What's So Amazing?

Farewell, So Long, Auf Wiedersehen, Good Night

2007-02-11T09:23:00.000-05:00

We are out of the summarizing business. We hear tell that our good friend Dweezil is undertaking a solo adventure, but we don't have a site link for it. Dweezil's blog Corn O'Copia may be able to direct you to a new site for summary-y goodness.

It's been a great ride, and the management thanks those who've contributed, but thanks even more especially those who've read. Vaya con dios, muchachos.

UPDATED: Dweezil is undertaking a television-related writing adventure, along with the lovely and talented Jolene and some other friends. You can and should check them out at DTV.

The Amazing Race Season TenFinale: Every Time I Think I’m Done, They Pull Me Back In

2006-12-18T16:21:00.000-05:00

by Dweeze

Previously on The Amazing Race:

The only team worth rooting for (as opposed to rooting against) was eliminated, leaving us struggling to find someone to cheer on. Our candidates, and their credentials:

Rob and Kimberly – Con: Rob alternates between wanting to marry Kimberly and wanting to throw her under the nearest form of public transportation; Kimberly gives screeching harpies a bad name. Pro: Rob has displayed occasional flashes of humanity over the course of the season and you only need a minimal amount of alcohol to consider Kimberly doable, provided she has no means of contacting you afterward.

Lyn and Karlyn – Con: They rank pretty high on the hypocrisy scale, constantly decrying behavior they themselves engage in. Pro: Could genuinely use the money, and have sincerely appreciated the opportunity to travel around the world.

Tyler and James – Con: Would blow the million dollars on crack, forcing them to return to being homeless on the streets giving handjobs for cash. Pro: Would blow the million dollars on crack, forcing them to return to being homeless on the streets giving handjobs for cash.

Speaking of

Sorry about the sound quality on that one. That’s You Tube for ya.

Anyway, we’re in Spain. Barcelona. Cue music.

Okay, lousy picture quality on that one. Oh well. I don’t really care all that much. I mean, if CBS could only be bothered to schedule an hour for the finale, why should I be bothered to do much for the summary. Anyway, two clips is two more than the most recent Survivor summary got. So let’s proceed, and quickly.

Barcelona. Find a church that’s been under construction for 124 years. Search park behind said church for next clue.

Rob and Kimberly are amazed to still be in the race, probably because they both figured Kimberly would be dead and Rob would be in jail for her murder by now.

Lyn and Karlyn want to win because the money will change their lives.

Tyler and James believe they are both too sexy for the race, which is of course a cue for me.

All teams find the clue with varying degrees of difficulty. The clue sends them off to Paris and the Eiffel Tower.

Airport waiting. Flights can’t be booked until 4:00 am. James wants to find an Internet connection and try to find tickets that way, Tyler tells him no. James breaks down, gives a wino a handjob in the bathroom for change for the vending machines.

Ticket offices open, Rob and Kimberly get first flight to DeGaulle. Lyn and Karlyn get seats on later flight coming into Orly. Tyler and James, after some fake suspense, get stand-by seats on flight with Rob and Kimberly.

Rob and Kimberly and Tyler and James land and are off, but since DeGaulle is farther from Eiffel Tower than Orly, Lyn and Karlyn get there first. Clue sends them to airport in city of Caen. Hey, didn’t Springsteen sing a song called “Adam Raised A Cain”? Sure did. Sure did.

Teams get to the Caen airport. Roadblock! One person will skydive over the beaches at Normandy, then have to dodge German fire. The other person will ride in the plane, which will do surprise nosedive. Kinda like ARod.

Tyler, Karlyn, and Kimberly do the task. Tyler and Kimberly claim to be choices to do the task because their partner has done more roadblocks, but we have never heard any discussion of this during the course of the season. Rob is pissed that he isn’t skydiving, because he has always wanted to go skydiving and it was the one thing he really wanted to do on the race. Rob will continue to bitch about not getting to skydive for the rest of the episode. Rob, can we talk? Lean in close, okay? That’s it.

SMACK

Listen, idiot, you don’t need to go on The Amazing Race to skydive. Hell, I’ve gone skydiving, and none of this pussy tandem shit. Real skydiving, by myself, just me and a chute. It was great, up until the point when I landed and broke my foot. Hell, it was still great, even though I broke my foot. I don’t know if I would do it again – you feel a lot less invulnerable at age 47 than you do at age 20 – but I’m glad I did do it. And you can do it too, Rob. There are United States Parachute Association-certified schools in every state. You can find one here, if you are so inclined.

Okay, everyone completes their jump, gets their clue, and are instructed to head back to Paris. There is a brief fakeout that Rob and Kimberly will miss the train, but alas. We all get to Paris at the same time, and find the next clue box and roughly the same time. The next clue is a detour, and, because this is the last time for this season, here’s the song:

A detour is a choice between two tasks
Between two tasks
Between two tasks
A detour is a choice between two tasks
Each with its own pros and cons.

Okay, our choices are Art or Fashion. In Art, teams carry a panting from a gallery to a painter. Quick, easy, relatively effortless. In Fashion, teams build an outfit on a tailor’s model using clothe and patterns. Teams need the approval of the Audrey, Nazi-Collaborator Seamstress. Difficult, lengthy, and effort heavy. All three teams choose Fashion, of course.

Tyler and James, as models, finish first. Lyn and Karlyn, as mothers, finish second. Rob and Kimberly, as assholes, finish third. The clue tells them to go to New York City and find the globe in the Daily News building. Tyler and James and Rob and Kimberly head back to DeGaulle; Lyn and Karlyn head to Orly, where they discover that they need to go to DeGaulle to get an international flight. This doesn’t prove to be as fatal as it could be.

What does prove to be fatal for them is that Rob and Kimberly and Tyler and James are able to get on the first flight to New York, although it comes down to Tyler and James getting pulled off the stand-by list and Lyn and Karlyn not getting pulled off the stand-by list. As a result, Lyn and Karlyn are doomed to finish third.

The first flight lands in New York City, and Tyler and James and Rob and Kimberly are off. Tyler and James are familiar with the city, and direct their cabbie to lose the cab following them. The cabbie can’t. What the cabbie can do, however, is produce an EZPass, allowing him to bypass the tolls, the tolls that stop Rob and Kimberly’s cab. This will prove the difference.

Tyler and James arrive at the Daily News building, see the globe, get the clue, and get instructions to find woman by a sculpture in Union Square. They find the woman and get the last clue, directing them to the Pit Stop about an hour north of the city. Rob and Kimberly are edited to be closely behind them, but there is no race to the finish. Tyler and James walk to their win, Rob and Kimberly finish second, Lyn and Karlyn third, and the season is over. So goodbye until next spring, when the All-Star edition pops up. Thanks for reading, both of you.

The Amazing Race Season TenEpisode Eleven: The One With The Flying Tomato Brothers

2006-12-04T12:03:00.000-05:00

by Dweeze

Previously on The Amazing Race:

The blonde’s asses were saved due to a non-elimination, though they were given a 30-spanking, I mean, a 30-minute penalty on the next leg. MMMM. Spanking beauty queens. And no, that’s not just a blatant attempt to drive up traffic.

We open in Morocco. Tyler and James, the first team to arrive, are the first team to leave. Dweeze, the first person to summarize, decides to take the Evelyn Woods route on this baby. After all, I still need to crank out a Survivor summary, and I got a big mad-on brewing for that one. So we’ll go fast.

Tyler and James leave. The clue says go to a market in Casablanca and find Sidney Greenstreet. Lyn and Karlyn are next. Both teams are focused more on eliminating Dustin and Kandice as opposed to running their own race.

Rob and Kimberly are next out. Rob tells us he wants to win a million dollars, marry Kimberly, and ride off into the Moroccan sunset. I’d be much happier if they just did one of those three things. Actually, they can get married too if they promise not to breed. Kimberly says that she hates that there are so many dogs in the desert. Uhm, Kimberly. Those aren’t dogs. Okay?

Dustin and Kandice are next out, talking about how the other teams hate them and how they are facing a 30-minute penalty. This will not be the last time we hear mention of the 30-minute penalty. It’s pounded into us so much over the course of the show that it has to come into play, right? It can’t turn into a non-factor, like if the blondes finish first (negating the penalty) or finish last (no penalty needed), right?

All four teams are on the road to Casablanca, which was my favorite Crosby and Hope movie. Dustin and Kandice charm a local into riding with them and leading them to the destination. No such luck for anyone else, though it must either be a short journey or Tyler and James got a big lead because they arrive before anyone else.

There’s a Roadblock at the market. One team member must get some camel meat, grind it, give it to a cook, then eat it. James, he of the cow lips eating challenge, takes the task. Like I said before, after you’ve sucked off the homeless for crack, eating camel meat is no challenge. On this challenge, the person doing the task can have the cook add a variety of spices to the food.

Dustin and Kandice arrive next at the Roadblock. Kandice opts to do the task. She grinds the meat (yes, I’m leaving the obvious joke alone) and takes it to be cooked, shocking Tyler and James. James finishes up as Kandice’s meat is cooking, and the next clue sends them to Barcelona.

Where they going? Barcelona. Oh. Don't get up.Do they have to? Yes, they have to.

Don’t get up.

Sometimes the jokes are just for me.

Meanwhile, Rob and Kimberly and Lyn and Karlyn are struggling to find the market. Back at the grill, Kandice comments that the camel meat is the protein missing from her diet. I gotcher protein right here, Kandice. She then asks the cook to prepare her camel meat medium well. I gotcher medium well rig… Okay. That makes no sense. He cooks the meat, she eats it, and they are on their way.

Tyler and James run into Rob and Kimberly at the parking lot outside the market. They tell them the blondes are already there, but they don’t bother to tell them how to find the camel meat. I gotcher camel… Nevermind.

Lyn and Karlyn arrive, and they are searching with Rob and Kimberly. Of course, Rob and Kimberly are yelling and acting like idiots. Lyn and Karlyn are calmly searching. There’s a brief scene as the blondes run into Rob and Kimberly as the blondes are leaving. They hide the clue and run to the car. Kimberly doesn’t fall for it, telling Rob the blondes are leaving, not arriving, but Rob drags Kimberly all the way to the blondes’ car before finally listening to her. He makes one last attempt to get the blondes to help them, but they drive off.

Rob and Kimberly and Lyn and Karlyn finally get to the cluebox. Kimberly chooses to do the task, or more accurately, Rob makes Kimberly do the task. Lyn does the task for their team. Lyn is able to grind meat faster than Kimberly, and I’m not getting anywhere near a joke on that one, either. Lyn seems to indicate that it has something to do with being a mother. She finishes first and gets her meat on the grill first. Kimberly is not far behind, and both women start eating at about the same time, both of them getting the same kind of encouragement from their teammates. In other words, Rob is yelling at Kimberly and Karlyn is yelling at Lyn. Lyn points out that it is difficult to eat the meat any faster because it just came off the grill. Calm down, both of you. The airport bunching that is about to occur is obvious to anyone.

Indeed, all four teams eventually end up on the same flight to Barcelona. Where they going? Barcel… Right. Already made the Company joke. Dustin and Kandice attempt to convince Tyler and James to let them step on the mat ahead of them. Tyler and James, politely enough, do not tell the blondes to fuck themselves. There is much bitching about the blondes, much talk about a 30-minute penalty, and not a whole lot of anything else.

So we get to Barcelona, and the teams have to find a park and search for the clue box in a hedge maze. A HEDGE MAZE THAT COMES ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Alive with bunching, that is! See, the park doesn’t open until the next morning. Dustin and Kandice ask some construction workers to call them a cab for the next morning. Rob and Kimberly do the same, asking for two cabs, one for them and one for Tyler and James. Lyn wants to also request a cab, but Karlyn is noncommittal, so Lyn doesn’t do it.

The next morning arrives, and the teams enter the park, get the clue, and leave the park. It’s detour time, and you know the song by now. Our choices are Love It or Leave It. In Love It, teams unquestionably love the United States no matter what policies the administration… Sorry. Our choices are Lug It or Lob It. In Lug It, teams put on giant costumes and walk around until they find their next clue from another person in a giant costume. In Lob It, teams look for a clue among a pile of tomatoes as bystanders throw tomatoes at them.

Tyler and James decide to do the same task as the blondes, no matter what task they do, correctly calculating that all they have to do is arrive at the mat either just before or just after the blondes to secure a spot in the final three. The blondes choose Lug It, and Tyler and James follow them.

Rob and Kimberly both decide to do Lob It, though, because Lyn didn’t call for a taxi the night before, Rob and Kimberly get there first. We are then treated, and I don’t think treated is a bad choice of words, to the sight of Rob and Kimberly digging through tomatoes while being pelted, and I don’t think pelted is too harsh of a word, by bystanders. Kimberly starts to freak out. At first Rob tells her to ignore the people throwing tomatoes, although in a few minutes we will see that Kimberly is the only one looking for the clue and Rob is, instead, throwing tomatoes back at the bystanders. Kimberly starts to cry, prompting Rob to regress to third grade and say “Way to cry”. Nice dude. I bet she can’t wait to marry you. He finally agrees to switch tasks, but they then find out how far away Lug It is. They instead return to searching, and, thanks to the magic of editing, immediately find the clue. It sends them to the next Pit Stop.

Over at Lug It, Dustin and Kandice and Tyler and James have found the costumes, putting them on and setting off. Tyler and James have also regressed, though only as far as junior high. Ty – what’s that you say? Oh, yeah. Good point. Tyler and James have never matured beyond junior high. As they put on their costumes, Tyler says “I’m up some giant chick’s skirt,” a statement that reminds me of some of my dates.

Cut back to Lob It, where Lyn and Karlyn have arrived. For some reason, the crowd doesn’t seem to be as into throwing tomatoes at them as they were into throwing them at Rob and Kimberly. Maybe it’s because Lyn and Karlyn aren’t having a complete breakdown. They quickly find the clue and set off for the Pit Stop.

Meanwhile, Dustin and Kandice and Tyler and James have finally finished the task. They get the clue and head off to the Pit Stop.

Over at the Pit Stop, Rob and Kimberly have arrived in first place. Phil greets them, and Rob breaks down crying. Manic depression at its finest, folks.

The remaining three teams arrive at the part where the Pit Stop is at the same time, though Lyn and Karlyn’s cab driver drops them off right at the fountain where the Pit Stop is placed. They finish second, the first all-woman team to make the final three.

Tyler and James finish third, which means all the talk about a 30-minute penalty was just time filler. Oh well. It also means no blondes in the final three, just teams without a shred of likability to them. Oh well again.

On the next Amazing Race – a summary by someone other than me! YAY!!!!!!

The Amazing Race Season TenEpisode Ten: The One That's Vaguely Reminiscent

2006-11-28T12:19:00.000-05:00

by Dweeze

Previously on The Amazing Race: The Cho Brothers were eliminated in an episode that can only be described as unsummarizable.

We start tonight with four teams and three episodes left, a set-up that screams non-elimination. Tyler and James, the first team to arrive, are, predictably enough, the first to leave. The clue says they are going to Morocco. Once there, they need to find an antique shop, where they will get a clue and a trinket. They tell us in confessional that they hope Dustin and Kandice, who are the next to leave, are the next eliminated, as they are the toughest competition.

Dustin and Kandice, as they leave, tell us that they are being driven by the spirit of competition. Dustin adds that she wrote a paper on Morocco in college. Take that, doubters of Beauty Queen Intelligence!

Next out are Rob and Kimberly. Kimberly says Rob is learning how to calm down, learning that he can’t control everything, and that he shouldn’t freak out when something happens he can’t control. They proceed to have car trouble again, and Rob shows us the new him by calmly restarting the car.

Cut to the airport, where Dustin and Kandice have managed to arrive before James and Tyler. The blondes get tickets on a flight through Italy. The flight goes to Rome, then to Casablanca, where they have to catch a connecting flight. Tyler and James, when they arrive, are unable to get the same tickets, settling on a more direct flight, but one that also goes through Casablanca. In fact, not only does it go through Casablanca, they will be on the same connecting flight as the blondes from Casablanca on, which many of you will find reminiscent of my porn debut, Connecting Directly Into Her Flight Plan.

Cut back to the Pit Stop, as Lyn and Karlyn leave. She says she is proud that they are the last remaining team from the Six Pack. She adds that they started the race by themselves, and they will finish it by themselves.

Rob and Kimberly arrive at the airport, getting the same tickets as Tyler and James. They at first tell Dustin and Kandice they will arrive in Casablanca before them, then confess that they are only kidding. Those wacky funsters! Rob tells us that Dustin and Kandice are arrogant.

Lyn and Karlyn arrive and get the same tickets. Well, no, they don’t. They get the same final flight, however, but with a three hour layover in Paris instead of a layover in Casablanca. They use the time to buy and study a map.

Eventually all four teams end up in Casablanca, making the connecting flight to their final destination, which is unpronounceable by Americans. The teams get there, and we have the usual post-flight taxi scramble. Lyn and Karlyn are the first to reach the antique shop, proving that studying maps pays off. How were they able to find it first? Easy. Rob and Kimberly and Tyler and James all decided to follow Dustin and Kandice, and Dustin and Kandice ended up stopping several times to find directions. This allowed Lyn and Karlyn to pass them all.

Lyn and Karlyn get their clue and their trinket. It’s a small necklace, and much easier to carry than a Travelocity gnome, which many of you will find reminiscent of my porn writing debut, She Wore A Gnome's Pearl Necklace. The clue directs them to nearby Atlas Studios, where another clue, and a Yield, awaits them. They stop and ask a local for directions, then insist that he get in the vehicle and ride with them. The terrified young man reluctantly agrees.

Back with the other three teams, Dustin and Kandice have attracted a group of young men bent on re-enacting the rape scene from Two Women. Rob and Kimberly and James and Tyler choose this moment to leave the blondes behind. Great work, guys. The blondes get away, however, and are able to grab a passerby to act as their guide.

Rob and Kimberly and Tyler and James arrive at the antique shop at the same time. They discover one clue gone, and assume that somehow Dustin and Kandice beat them there. If that isn’t an indication of how they feel about their abilities to use a map, nothing is. I mean, they just left them behind and somehow they got ahead of them? And to discount the possibility that Lyn and Karlyn, who passed them, got the clue first? Idiots. Morons. Imbeciles.

Meanwhile, Lyn and Karlyn have arrived at Atlas Studios. They have decided to yield Kandice and Dustin, and are disappointed to discover that the studios are closed til morning. The decision to yield the blondes is a good one; they are certainly the best of the other three teams. Tyler and James and Rob and Kimberly arrive, shocked to discover they have been beaten by Lyn and Karlyn. Eventually Dustin and Kandice arrive, and we are all bunched til morning.

The studios open, and Tyler and James, the best remaining athletes, win the footrace to the Cluebox and the Yield Stand. They opt not to yield anyone. So do Rob and Kimberly. Dustin and Kandice, the third team to arrive, choose to yield Lyn and Karlyn. Hmm. The third place team yields the last place team. Can’t fault that strategy.

The Roadblock involves one team member riding in a chariot race and trying to grab two colored flags (sorry, two flags of color) from a wire above the track. Tyler takes the task, as does Rob. Rob tells us he decided to do the Roadblock because Kimberly doesn’t like horses and adds that he thinks horses don’t like her. This is in voiceover to grainy black and white footage, which many of you will find reminiscent of my porn editng debut, Horse Play 4. Sorry. My bad. The footage is actually the previous challenge where a horse bucked her, not footage of some cheap movie where a horse... Ahem.

By the way, had Peter and Sarah still been in the race, Peter would have made Sarah do the task. Naked. Without her prosthetic leg. Sick bastard.

Dustin also chooses to do the task, and Kandice tells her to choose a fast horse. Like they are marked, “Fast,” “Slow,” “Average.” Anyway, the three teams take off on the race as Lyn and Karlyn wait for the yield to end. They bitch considerably to the camera about being yielded by the blondes, despite the fact that they themselves were planning to yield the blondes. Karlyn tells us that she and Lyn have character and the blondes don’t, and that she and Lyn can sleep at night. I’m betting the blondes don’t have any trouble getting to sleep either, Karlyn.

As the race goes on, a chariot loses a wheel. It would be appropriate if it were Rob’s chariot, considering the vehicle trouble they have had, but it isn’t. Instead, it is just a non-TAR racer’s chariot. Rob is able to finish the task first, followed by Dustin. It takes James longer to finish. Probably because of the drugs still in his system.

As Dustin and Kandice leave, Karlyn flips them off. So wait. You yielding them would have been a good thing. They yielding you is a horrible thing. Guess where you stand does really depend on where you sit.

Rob and Kimberly are leaving at the same time. The clue sends them to a café. The two teams decide to team up to find it, and drive off with Rob and Kimberly in the lead. As they drive along, Rob tells us that Dustin and Kandice using the yield was a crappy move. And believe me, Rob knows crappy. They stop to ask directions, and Dustin and Kandice notice that Rob and Kimberly have a flat tire. However, they decide not to tell them anything. Now that’s a crappy move. It’s only after they start driving again, and Rob notices the car is driving roughly, do the blonds pull alongside, roll down their window, and yell at Rob that they have a flat tire, making it the third time Rob and Kimberly have had major vehicle trouble during the race.

Meanwhile, James has finished the task and he and Tyler have set off. The yield has ended, and Lyn and Karlyn move onto the Roadblock, with Karlyn doing the task. Lyn tells us that they were yielded because they were a threat, then says that Dustin and Kandice should not have yielded them because the blonds should want a slow team that can’t run in the final three. First, Lyn, doesn’t that imply that you aren’t a threat? Second, please explain how Dustin and Kandice were supposed to yield a team that was in front of them. No matter; Karlyn finishes the task quickly and she and Lyn are off to the café.

We’re now treated to some hot driving action. Well, in the case of Rob and Kimberly, some hot tire changing action. Except Rob can’t find the jack. Indeed, he insists there isn’t a jack, all the while we are given a shot of the jack in the back of the vehicle. Apparently it’s easier for a cameraman to find a jack than a racer.

Dustin and Kandice have already passed by, getting to the café and finding the next clue. Tyler and James have made up time on the road and arrive at the café closely after them. Lyn and Karlyn are not far behind either, not stopping for directions like the other three teams. They see Rob and Kimberly at the side of the road, but choose not to stop to help.

The clue at the café begets a Detour. Let’s sing, shall we? Or shall we not? Makes no difference to me.

A detour is a choice between two tasks
Between two tasks
Between two tasks
A detour is a choice between two tasks
Each with its own pros and cons

Our two tasks are Throw It and Grind It, which many of you will find reminiscent of the title of my porn directing debut, Throw Her and Grind Her. In Throw It, teams must find a pottery shop and throw two “properly made” pots. In Grint It, teams find an olive farm and, using a horse and an olive mill, must grind seventy-seven pounds of olives and fill pressing sleeves with them. There are only three stations at each task, making them semi-first come, first-served. I suppose technically they would be first three come, first three served, which many of you will find reminiscent of the title of my porn comeback, First Three Served, First Three Cum.

Tyler and James decide to do Throw It, reasoning, and I use that term loosely, that the pottery shop is nearby. Dustin and Kandice use the same logic for choosing Grind It, believing that the clue instructs them to go back to the town they just left. They get in their car and set off. Tyler and James are about to do the same, when they realize, and I swear to God that I am not making this up, that the task does not actually throwing pottery, the task involves making pottery. Seriously.

They then take off for Grind It, but not before they see Lyn and Karlyn arrive at the café. Either Lyn and Karlyn made the greatest recovery in the history of the race, or James and Tyler are the worst direction followers in the… Oh yeah. They are. Lyn and Karlyn choose Grind It – Karlyn was an art major in college, and tells Lyn that throwing too perfect pots will take too much time.

All three teams eventually drive by Rob and Kimberly. Rob has either found the jack, or the cameraman pointed it out to him, and Rob is changing the tire. He curses Dustin and Kandice, receives information (though not assistance) from James and Tyler, and says nothing about Lyn and Karlyn. He finishes and they rush ahead to get the clue, choosing Grind It.

More hot, sweaty driving action. Dustin and Kandice have missed road to the olive farm and are lost. This allows Tyler and James and Lyn and Karlyn to get to the olive farm and begin the task. Rob and Kimberly are also able to get to the olive farm before the blond, making all three grinding stations are full when Dustin and Kandice finally get there.

Believe me, if you thought the hot, sweaty, glistening driving action was thrilling, wait til you see olive grinding footage. It should be rated XXXXXXXXXX for eXXXXXtremely

(wait for it)

boring.

I’m not going to recap all the olive grinding twists and turns, just tell you that Tyler and James finish first, followed shortly by Lyn and Karlyn. The clue they receive for finishing the task instructs them to go to the next Pit Stop at a Nomadic Barber Shop, marked on the road by a boulder with a race flag painted on it. It might have been a Nomadic Berber Camp. I get confused. No matter; the two teams head off for the Pit Stop at roughly the same time, with Tyler and James holding a slight lead. They stretch the lead a little, get to the Pit Stop, park their vehicle, and head off down the trail for Phil, then draw to a halt, remembering that they forgot the trinket (remember it) they got at the start of the race. They start back to their car.

Meanwhile, Lyn and Karlyn have arrived and also take off, grabbing the trinket. They get out of the car, look around, and Lyn says she hates looking for Phil, that Phil should be in places where people can find him, which many of you will find reminiscent of the title of my AVN award-winning movie, Filling You In Places Where People Can Find Us. They meet James and Tyler running back, and yet James and Tyler are still able to reach the car, get the trinket, and beat Lyn and Karlyn to the mat. It’s a close finish, with no time for them to spare, but they are able to do it. Can you say “let’s make sure they reach the final three so we can eliminate one team from winning before the leg even begins”? Of course you can.

Phil welcomes Tyler and James as winners, then asks to see the trinket. It matches the one worn by the greeter, and they win the leg prize, fancy-schmancy cell phones. Whoop dee doo! Lyn and Karlyn are second, and they get nothing and they’ll like it!

Back at Grind It, Rob and Kimberly have finished and head off to the Pit Stop. Dustin and Kandice have made up good ground and appear to be right behind them. At the very least, that’s how it is edited. Rob and Kimberly reach the mat first, are happy to be third, and then a few minutes of screen time later Dustin and Kimberly walk somberly to the mat. Let’s go to the actual dialogue.

Phil: Dustin and Kandice, I’m sorry to tell you that you are the last team to arrive. However, because you are hot white chicks, with breasteses marginally bigger than mine, we decided to make this a non-elimination leg.

Dustin: Really?

Phil: No, not really.

Kandice: So we’re eliminated?

Phil: Oh no, it’s a non-elimination leg. It’s just that it was a planned non-elimination leg, not a non-elimination leg because you’re hot white chicks with breasteses marginally bigger than mine. I bet summary writers across the net called it as a non-elimination leg at the start of their summaries. Whoever finished last, even Lyn and Karlyn, would be spared. The fact that you are hot white chicks with breasteses marginally bigger than mine is just gravy. And everyone likes gravy.

On the next Amazing Race: The blondes are still in the race, which is just like getting more gravy. Which many of you will find reminiscent of my farewell to porn White-Gravy Coated Blondes.

The Amazing Race 10, Episode 9

2006-11-19T00:25:00.000-05:00

Requiem For A Coalminer (And Wife)

By Diamond

Okay, so before I get into things here, I just want you all to know how much adversity I had to overcome just to bring you this summary. You see, my fake crap-ass sorry excuse for a Tivo from DirecTV does not want me to watch reality TV. I’m not kidding. For some reason, it refuses to record both Survivor and The Amazing Race, even though it has no problem recording anything else. And I can’t write a summary unless I record the show and watch it several times first (and you wondered why it takes me so damn long to write these things). With Survivor, it shows the little record icon on the show, but just doesn’t record. It likes to taunt me with that icon. With this show, it just likes to lose the record icon a few days before the show, even though I know I set it. Like I said, it doesn’t do anything like this with any other show I watch, only these two. It’s truly bizarre. So anyway, it took a monumental effort to make sure this episode was recorded in some form. Not only did I recheck the settings on my fake crap-ass non-Tivo a thousand times, but I also set up the VCR to tape it as well. Because that’s just how dedicated I am. You’re welcome.

Anyway, so if this is a summary, I suppose I should, like, summarize some sort of shit or something? Yeah, let’s do that.

Previously on the Amazing Race: Six teams raced from Mauritius to Madagascar, and were shocked - SHOCKED! - to discover a new twist, the Intersection, which sounds much kinkier than it actually was. And if I may editorialize for a moment, I really think this Intersection thing would have been a lot more interesting if they’d done it when there were more teams around, and the Fast Forward wasn’t also an option, because it meant there were way too few groups. But anyway, the daters and the models/drug addicts teamed up to do the Fast Forward, which involved the eating of cow lips, an alleged “delicacy,” which I’m not sure I believe. I suspect it’s more of a “in a poor country you eat every last part of the animal because you can’t afford to waste anything,” but that’s just me. That was not the only thing deceptive about the Fast Forward, the other being the “fast” and the “forward” parts, as the beauty queens ended up coming in first place. David and Mary, coalminer and wife, despite coming in second-to-last place, were eliminated because they got the 30-minute marked-for-elimination penalty. What we didn’t see was that immediately after their elimination, they were summarily executed by the production staff. Well, maybe. The details are a little fuzzy, but I think that’s what happened. In any case, it happened not a moment too soon, because hell if I wanted to try summarizing the garbled mishmash of words that pass for English coming out of their mouths.

Opening credits. Wait, who the hell are all these people? They were on the show? Are they sure?

Commercials. I still haven’t decided if this wacky Russian dude who suddenly seems to be everywhere is funny or creepy. I just noticed that the CSI: Maimi promo has overpowering orange overtones. Do you think they do that to complement David Caruso’s orangeness, or to try to distract from it?

Now onto the show. We rejoin our teams at the pit stop in Madagascar. You know what I miss? The eating, drinking, and mingling with the teams. They never show that anymore. Although maybe they realized that these teams are so deadly dull that there would really be no point.

Dustin and Kandice, the blond and kind-of-annoying-but-not-enough-to-be-interesting-in-a-villainous-
sort-of-way beauty queens, are the first to depart at 2:56 am. They’re told to fly to Helsinki, Finland, where they must find a coffee shop for some crass, product-placed shilling for AOL. And wait, isn’t AOL free now? How do they make the money required to pay for this? And really, does anyone still use AOL? Phil says that due to ~~poor production planning~~ limited availability of tickets out of the country, teams have been given tickets to Paris, France, where they will have to make their own arrangements to get to Finland. But they don’t actually have to use the tickets if they can find something better.

One of the queens (no idea which one) says people are mistaken if they think the queens get handed everything. No! They work hard! They sweat, they cry, they fight to win! If you cut a beauty queen, does she not bleed?? (Sorry. I’m not sure that makes sense here, but it kept popping into my head every time I watched this.) The queens tell us the Paris flight doesn’t leave till 9:40 at night and wonder if people in Finland wear wooden shoes. I guess all that hard work they were talking about was in places other than school.

Tyler and James, the models/actors/drug/addicts/whatevers (henceforth known as the whatevers) are next to leave at 3:08 am. One of them says something boring and pointless.

Next off are Rob and Kimberly, the generic fighting daters, at 3:14 am. Rob says they have a bond with the whatevers, not so much with the queens. No one cares.

Fourth to leave are Erwin and Godwin at 3:24 am. Out of all the teams left, they are probably the ones I would root for, given how worthless everyone else is, and the brothers seem like the ones who might be the least offensive to hang out with in real life. But the things is, they’re playing this race (key word here: “race”) so stupidly that self-respect does not allow me to cheer for them. It’s very disappointing.

Anyway, one brother - again, no idea which one; all I know is one has short hair and the other has a ridiculous ponytail (and for the rest of my life, whenever I see a guy with hair like that, I will hear in my head, “He is NOT Mr. Sensitive Ponytail Man”; and yes I know they have medication to treat that) - says they miss Dave and Mary will run this leg in memory of them. Because they’re dead, you see.

Ponytail: (laughing) That makes it sound like they’re under the grave.

Well, at least there’s some evidence that he has some shred of self-awareness, however miniscule. But still, give me a break. I expect this sort of nonsense from the nitwits that play Survivor. The Amazing Race is supposed to the classy operation in the reality TV stable. Get it together, people.

The queens arrive at the airport and tell the ticket agent they need tickets to Helinski (yeah, not a typo), Finland. The whatevers show up and tell us how they and the blonds are in a relationship of mutual using. It’s not interesting. Nor is the physical interaction between these two teams. You’d think there’s be at least a little flirting, because that’s what attractive people do, but there’s nothing. (As has been pointed out before, it’s probably because they’re too in love with themselves to notice anyone else.) God this is dull.

Rob and Kimberly show up. Everyone learns that there’s a flight to Johannesburg at 5:00 am, and they should be able to get flights to Helsinki from there. All three teams get tickets.

Finally, Lyn and Karlyn pull up the rear at 3:55 am. Of the them says she has Dave’s hat and still feels them there in spirt. Because they’re dead, remember? Also, wearing his hat? Which is probably disgustingly dirty by now? Gross.

At the airport, the first three teams make their way to the Johannesburg flight. The Chos show up and get tickets, and then when Lyn and Karlyn (henceforth known as the whiners, for lack of a better name, and because I need something short to type) show up, they inexplicably tell them about the Johannesburg flight. And okay, I know it’s not inexplicable. It can be explained by the fact that the Chos are Unclear On The Concept of “race.” Dude. There are five teams left. Here’s an idea: self-preservation. Learn it, love it, live it. When you are consistently coming in near the back of the pack, it’s really not in your best interest to be helping other people, because you are going to get your ass eliminated, and then where will you be? (Answer: dead, apparently.) This isn’t about friendship. You can play a game against your friends and still try to beat them, and it’s okay. Like, when I play fantasy football with my friends, I don’t say, hey, I guess I’ll bench LaDainian Tomlinson this week, because it just isn’t nice to score so many points against my friends. You know why I don’t do that? Because it’s fucking stupid, is why. Jesus.

Anyway, there’s some doubt about whether the whiners can get on the flight, but they whine and cajole and eventually guilt trip the ticket agents into letting them on. Everyone flies to Johannesburg, then on to Addis Ababa, Ethiopia, Frankfurt, Germany, and finally, Helsinki. That is one long-ass trip.

Everyone arrives in Helsinki and gets in cabs. The daters bicker. Snore. The whiners say they’re still aligned with the Chos, but it’s down to five teams, and they’ll do what they have to do to win. Wow, it’s like they think this is a race or something! They also bitch about the queens being pretty. Snore some more.

The queens and the whatevers find the coffeeshop and log into AOL to find video messages from their families. I’d make fun of them if I had the energy to care. After completing this “task,” they get their clue, which tells them to take a train to a school. The other three teams get their messages and clues. There is weeping. Everyone makes it to the train station, and there is bunching.

On the train, one of the whatevers educates us on the benefits of moisturizer. Fascinating.

Upon arriving at the train station, the queens and the whatevers find taxis, but the rest of the teams quickly discover they you can only get taxis in a special taxi line, which now happens to be full of Finns. The daters beg the people to let them cut in line, and the people, not realizing that the daters are not the only ones who’ll be doing this, let them. The brothers get in line, while the whiners decide to just cut in front of everyone, despite the protestations of a mild-mannered Finnish gentleman. Damn, it would have been nice to see some violence. Those Finns are just too polite. And also, where, may I ask, was the taxi driver in all this? He shouldn’t have allowed that shit. Let’s see what happens when these whiny assholes try to pull this stunt in a place like LaGuardia. The Chos lament their last-place fate due to being polite themselves.

Commercials. This Cheez-Its commercial, with the cheese wheel rolling around San Francisco, makes no sense. Also, the scary bottle of death on Survivor? Stupid.

The queens and whatevers make it to the school, where they find the Detour. Today, it’s Swamp This or Swamp That, ostensibly activities winter athletes use to stay in shape during the summer. In Swamp This, they have to cross-country ski a mile across a muddy field. In Swamp That, they have to go through a muddy obstacle course. Phil explains both tasks waist-deep in mud, with his waders barely covering the man-boobs.

The queens take the skiing. The whatevers take the obstacle course.

Rob and Kimberly find the school. Or do they?

The whiners arrive and take the skiing. Rob and Kimberly figure out they are actually at the wrong school. The queens and whiners get their skis on and take off. The whatevers…what’s the verb here? I need a word that describes going through the obstacle course, but I don’t think there is one. Bah. Anyway, they get dirty. Partway through the skiing, the queens discover they have to climb over a obstacle-wall thing and jump down, and wait, that doesn’t seem fair. Isn’t the point of this Detour that one option has obstacles and one doesn’t? I mean, if you were looking at these two options, and you knew you were going to have to get all muddy either way, then you might as well do the obstacle course, since it certainly looks more fun. I don’t know.

One of the whatevers sinks waist-deep into the mud and almost seems unable to get out. That doesn’t seem sanitary. Also, it reminds me of the Swamps of Sadness in The Neverending Story, so it gets my hopes up at least some of these people will be in foul enough moods that they’ll get sucked down into the swamp forever. As always, I suspect I will be disappointed. And indeed, the whatever is pulled out by the other whatever and they move on.

The daters finally arrive at the right place and choose the obstacle course.

More skiing. More…obtacling, I guess. The whatevers have to go piggyback style, prompting the one riding to slap the other one on the ass. Cute. (By which I mean, stupid.) The Chos seem to have shown up and some point, and have chosen obstacle. More obstacling, more skiing.

The whatevers and queens finish up and get the next clue, which tells them to take the train to Turku, then drive to a town called Lohja, where they have to find a limestone mine (the Tityrin Mine, which, the way Phil pronounces it, makes me giggle like a 12 year-old idiot; you know, because Phil knows from tits - mantits, that is; I’ll stop now).

As they get back to their cabs, the queens pass the whatevers because the whatevers decided to take the time to change. While the queens are happy about this, I’m not sure their cab driver is. His cab is going to reek like Jerry’s car in that one Seinfeld episode. You know which one I’m talking about.

Back at the Detour, the daters have caught up and finished ahead of the Chos and the whiners. At the train station, the queens and the whatevers make it onto a train that’s just about to leave, but the daters just barely miss it, and are pissed.

Commercials. Is Ron Livingston that hard-up for work that he had to become the Spring pitchman? I mean, I know Standoff sucks and will probably be cancelled eventually (not that it has stopped me from watching it - he is just so very, very pretty), but come on. This is just kind of sad. If I was stuck in a snowed-in airport waiting for a flight that might never take off, and someone whipped out a schlocky Hallmark musical Christmas toy, I think I might actually murder someone. Over-under on the number of episodes before this show 3 Lbs. gets cancelled? I’m putting my money on three.

The daters learn the next train is an hour behind. Rob wants to have his moment. Kimberly lets him, and shows him the hand. The Chos and the whiners show up.

On the first train, the whatevers get directions to the mine. The last three teams get on their train, where the Chos ask a guy for directions who turns out to work for a mining company (unclear if it is “the” mining company, or just “a”, but it doesn’t seem to matter). The Chos think this is fantastic, and proceed to worship him. No, really, they do. An onlooking Finnish woman is all, wow, these boys are weird.

The whatevers and the queens arrive and find Mercedes (Mercedeses?) waiting for them. A whatever calls the queens “crafty little girls.” Ew.

On the second train, Kimberly asks for directions to La Jolla. Wait, what? Apparently I must have blacked out and woken up weeks later during the finale, because the daters are headed for Southern California. Oh wait, no, she’s just a moron. Nevermind. After getting their directions, the daters make their way through the car the other two teams are in, not answering when one of the whiners asks if there’s a bathroom back there. Rob says they bug him. The whiners announce to the “party train” that the daters are not their friends, as if any of the other people there actually give a shit. What is this, third grade?

The whatevers and the queens locate the general area of mine, but the queens miss it and have to ask someone, so the whatevers get to it first. Because there’s only one tram down into the mine, the queens have to wait a few minutes for it to come back. They are annoyed, but only to the point where they exclaim, “darn it!” Come on, put more emotion into it than that! You’re beauty queens - you’re supposed to throw tantrums!

The daters arrive at the station and get their car, followed by the whiners and then the Chos. And the Chos are not happy that the whiners didn’t wait for them. Says the ponytailed brother, “Our style would have been to wait for them.” Yeah, because you are obviously participating in something called the Amazing Group Vacation. Problem is, the other teams are on something called the Amazing RACE. How have these two not been eliminated yet?

Roadblock. One team member has to ride a bike (a bike? Really? That’s how the actual miners get down into the mine?), fetch a block of limestone, haul it back, break it open, and get the clue from inside it. A whatever takes off on his bike, saying that he hasn’t had a chance to do many Roadblocks yet. So, have they gotten rid of that rule that says each person has to do certain number of them? Because I can’t remember anyone mentioning it at all this season, and that statement seems to imply that it’s not a rule anymore. Just wondering.

The tram comes back to pick up the queens, who think it’s “roller-coaster at Disneyworld awesome.” Somehow I doubt that. One of them says David would love this, because he spent all his time down in a cave. I don’t know, do you really think he would love it? I mean, I’m sure he’s proud of what he does, but at the same time, I don’t get the sense that mining is really something you’re, I don’t know, affectionate about. Like, do miners really love mines? They’re dirty and dangerous, and it seems like the kind of job you wouldn’t want if you had better options. Wow, that suddenly sounds really elitist, doesn’t it? I’m really not sure what I’m trying to say. I guess I’m just not sure Dave would be all, woohoo, a mine! By the way, when I first watched this scene, I didn’t catch the first part of what she said, so I only heard, “David spent all his time down in a cave.” Unlike all these idiots, I’d already completely forgotten about Dave and Mary, so I didn’t know who she was talking about. For a minute I actually thought she might be telling some sort of biblical story about King David. I mean, I was one of those people who also thought the prodigal son was Jesus, so…you can see how much I know about the Bible. Anyway, let’s just move on, shall we?

The bicycle-riding whatever finds the limestone, while one queen gets hers. The whatever starts back up, pushing the bike instead of riding. Wuss. Back at the cluebox, the remaining whatever and queen speculate about what the other two are doing down there, and the queen jokes that they’re probably making out. Yeah, I’m sure.

The whatever comes back and starts hammering his limestone (not code).

Whatever: It’s hammer time!

Okay, that was a little bit funny.

He orders it to break, and says it’s hammer time again. Dude, it wasn’t that funny. Once was enough. The limestone finally breaks, and they get their clue, which tells them to drive to the Olympic Stadium in Helsinki.

By the way, if you’re paying attention, they’ve finished both tasks. Usually the clue they get after the second task tells them to go to the pit stop. This one didn’t. So…I guess we’re getting a super-leg. Super.

The queen comes back with her limestone. The other one tells her to grab a pokey-thing (again, not code; however: stupid). She successfully breaks the limestone and gets their clue.

The last three teams get to the mine at the same general time, but for some reason Rob decides to drive in the wrong direction and almost manages to drive right into a mine-shaft. Good work. Eventually they make it to the right place, but have to wait, as the tram has already left with the Chos and the whiners. On the way down, in a truly bizarre scene, one of the whiners claps and yells, literally, like a four year-old. Yikes, where did that come from? It was uncomfortable to watch.

Commercials. Leaving aside the whole issue of whether or not a pizza from Domino’s could ever remotely resemble a real Brooklyn-style pizza, the thing that makes no sense about this commercial is that the guy who ordered the pizza asks the delivery guy what a Brooklyn-style pizza is. Huh? First of all, why would he order it if he didn’t know what it was? Also, if was going to ask anyone what it was, he would have asked the person on the phone, not the delivery guy. Seriously, it makes no sense.

The daters finally find the mine. The whatevers are on the road to Helsinki. The brothers and the whiners get the Roadblock, followed by the daters. As the non-ponytailed brother and a whiner bike down, the brother actually says, “Come on, Dave, help the remaining six-pack.” No, really. He just invoked the spirit of an eliminated contestant. Does that mean Dave is a saint now? I hope the Pope knows.

Limestone is collected. Rob careens recklessly down into the mine on his bike. The whatevers find the stadium but can’t seem to find the cluebox. The queens are still driving, thinking they are just ten minutes from the “pit stop.” The brother and the whiner make their way up with the limestone. Rob is hot on their tails, and actually manages to pass the whiner.

Clues are gotten. All three trailing teams end up on the tram back up together. A Cho gives a whiner a high-five, while Rob rolls his eyes. Such a pointless feud.

The whatevers still can’t find the clue box. Finally, they find it, and learn that they still have to climb up to the top of a tower and rappel down the side of it. And since there’s only a few minutes left, it’s quite obvious now that it’s a super-leg. Damn. I wanted to see someone (anyone) get eliminated.

Whatever: How long did we run around like idiots?

Only your whole lives, man, only your whole lives.

The first whatever rappels down. Face-first, by the way. The queens show up at the stadium.

Back on the road, the final three teams are trying to outmaneuver each other to get ahead. Unfortunately, no one gets run off the road (though I suppose it’s for the best - I wouldn’t want to see those pretty cars get smashed up). The Chos try to trashtalk Rob, and really, they are the worst badasses ever.

The second whatever starts his rappel, and it’s embarrassing. His technique is not what you would call skilled. But he makes it down alive anyway. Pity.

The three final teams reach the stadium and make a break for it. In yet another inexplicable bit of strategy, the Chos yell out to the whiners to let them know where the clue box is. Now, I guess I get what they are trying to do - they think it’s the pit stop, and they want their friends to get in ahead of the daters. But, the thing is, when you are so close to the other teams you are battling for last place, it’s really stupid to help anyone else, because you could very well end up in last place yourself. Self-preservation, dudes. The only thing that matters is you not being last. God, they are frustrating to watch.

Having finished the rappel, the whatevers get their clue and learn, dun, dun, dun, the leg is not over! (Cue scary, ominous music. Hey production dudes, it’s a super-leg, not a horror movie.)

On the next episode: Tanks! And the alliance between the Chos and the whiners is over. Over! Thank god.

The Amazing Race Season TenEpisode Eight: The One Where Three Guys Watch While One Girl Jams Things In Her Mouth

2006-11-06T14:08:00.000-05:00

By Dweeze

Previously on The Amazing Race:

Uhm. You know, I’m not going to take the time to summarize. David and Mary came in last, weren’t eliminated, and are marked for elimination again.

Dustin and Kandice, the first to arrive, are, obviously enough, the first to leave. The clue tells them to take a flight to Madagascar, though everyone knows the best way to get to Madagascar is in a crate that falls off a ship. Once in Madagascar, they have to find the Black Angel, which, in a twist, has been painted white.

They need to take a car to the airport, but the clue says nothing about taking the same car they arrived in. As a result, they choose to abandon the car they crashed, leaving it solely because it has some dents, and take another team’s car. A pretty red car. They justify it by saying they aren’t there to win friends, to be in alliances, or to do anything other than win.

Tyler and James are next out, discovering that their vehicle is gone. So they take the other red car, which will prove to be the car belonging to Lyn and Karlyn. Tyler tells us that James is too passive, which requires him, Tyler that is, to be more dominant. Thanks for the insight into the sexual relationship, guys. James tells us he needs to be more assertive. They decide to wait for Rob and Kimberly, saying that the existence of the Six Pack has forced them into an alliance. When Rob and Kimberly reach the cars, Tyler and Rob disagree about the route to take to the airport.

Erwin and Godwin leave next, followed by Lyn and Karlyn and Mary and David. There are only seven minutes separating the departure times of the three teams. It hadn’t seemed that close last week. Indeed, only four minutes separate Lyn and Karlyn and Mary and David. Those four minutes made the difference in getting a thirty minute penalty.

In confessional, Erwin says that if there was a choice between coming in first on a leg and one of the other two teams being eliminated, they would give up first place. Nice thought, dude. What show are you on?

The three teams head off to the airport. Lyn and Karlyn decide to try a different route. As they do, they tell us how much they hate Dustin and Kandice for taking their car. Mary tells us that all she knows about Madagascar is from the movie.

There was a movie? Did it feature anything like this:

Sorry.

Anyway, we all reach the airport, and there is only one flight. One. That all teams get on. Imagine that. Leaving in the middle of the night, finding an airport with only one flight that leaves in the morning. Nothing important from the plane, except David telling Mary he would like to sit by the window, that he hasn’t had a window seat yet. Everyone? Awwww.

We arrive in Madagascar, and the Six Pack are out of the airport and into cabs first. They drive right by the lake where the Black Angel is located, and, indeed, see the big statue of a white angel in the middle of the lake. Of course, they drive right by it.

The other three teams also drive out, with Dustin and Kandice first. They quickly get passed by Tyler and James and Rob and Kimberly. Rob tells us that the people of Madagascar don’t live as long because they don’t get protein.

I’ll let that stand uncommented upon.

These three teams realize the statue is the place they want to go. Tyler and James get there first, finding a new twist, the Intersection. In the Intersection, two teams must work together as one until further notice. Tyler and James team up with Rob and Kimberly, leaving Dustin and Kandice to wait for another team to arrive. The two teams of beautiful people (Note: None of them are really all that beautiful) decide to do the Fast Forward. In this case, the Fast Forward involves eating. Cow lips. One plate per person.

One by one, the three Six Pack teams get back to the Black Angel. Along the way, either Karlyn or Lyn refers to herself as the Black Angel. Better than the Blue Angel, I guess. Or the Blue Angels, for that matter.

Lyn and Karlyn and David and Mary choose to, uhm, Intersect, leaving Erwin and Godwin to mate, uhm, Intersect, with Dustin and Kandice. These, folks, are the two best teams in the race this season. They are tasked with a Detour, which we all know is a choice between two tasks, between two tasks, between two tasks. Yes, a detour is a choice between two tasks each with its own pros and cons.

Our choices are Long Sleep and Short Letter, and I’m not going to describe Short Letter because no one does it. In Long Sleep, teams must select eight foam mattresses, cover them with cheap mattress covers, and then carry them someplace. The teams head out, though Mary and David and Lyn and Karlyn briefly debate going after the Fast Forward. Lyn says that if Tyler and James and Rob and Kimberly are already doing the Fast Forward, it would be a waste of time. Unless, of course, it was a Fast Forward they could do faster. And you know, what the hell do Lyn and Karlyn have to lose? They have a 30-minute lead on Mary and David due to the marked for elimination penalty, so why not see what the Fast Forward is, see if you can do it, and then, if you can’t, head out to the detour task? Idiots.

Cut to the Fast Forward, where we see the teams arrive and find themselves face to face with their task. The cow lips look disgusting, with hair and bone and teeth. James digs right in, because after sucking winos off for cash in dirty alleys, eating cow lips is nothing. But he is the only doing well. The other three struggle, and struggle mightily. Indeed, there is talk of quitting. Hmm. Think David and Mary and Lyn and Karlyn could have eaten their plates faster, especially if it meant the difference between elimination and staying in the race? Could be.

Erwin/Dustin/Godwin/Kandice finish putting covers on mattresses first, and find a local to lead them to their destination. Lyn/Mary/David/Karlyn do the same, and decide to use their fanny packs to tie the mattresses together. On the other hand, they head off in a completely different direction from the other two teams.

The Beauty Chos reach the destination first. After hauling mattresses for awhile, they got the bright idea to go forward, find the destination, then bring the mattresses, though they didn’t have the bright idea of leaving someone with their mattresses. The clue tells them the Intersection is over and they are on their own. They are to find another clue box near some stairs in the market district.

Kenbama are having worse luck, getting lost a couple of times and discovering that tying eight mattresses together may not be the best way to maneuver through crowds, streets, cars, animals, and other objects. Cut to the Fast Forward where little progress is being made except for James, who has already finished. There is much talk about how they can go slow, that the other four teams will have to do a detour and a roadblock, and how they can take their time and still finish first. The result of all this talk is that for the first time, I find myself annoyed with James and Tyler. Apparently Rob’s innate assholeness is contagious.

Dustin and Kandice get a cab before Erwin and Godwin, and don’t offer to share. You know, it would have been the least you could do, girls. The Cho Brothers get a cab, but are behind the two blondes. Dustin and Kandice find the next clue box first, finding a Roadblock. In this task, the person performing the Roadblock must get their clue stamped with four distinct stamps, a car, a train, a boat, and a plane. They must search through dozens of vendors to find the proper one. While one person performs the task, the other is taken to the next pit stop. Dustin opts to perform the task, and Kandice is taken to the pit stop. When she gets there, Phil is dancing along with the greeter, so Kandice takes a place among the dancers and joins with them in dance. Dance! Dance!

Cut to Godwin doing the task and Erwin going to the pit stop, there to be teased by Kandice. Cut back to the Fast Forward, where they have really made no progress. But at least they are still confident that there is no way they won’t finish ahead of the other teams! Cut to Mary/Karlyn/Lyn/David finishing the Detour and heading off to the Roadblock.

Dustin finishes getting stamped and heads off. Godwin seems to be going faster than she did, but it still takes time. We see Dustin find a cab and head off, only to have the cab run out of gas. We then see the Fast Forward Four finally finish and head off to the Pit Stop. Erwin finishes, gets a cab, and runs out of gas. We now have four teams racing to the Pit Stop, and if the editing is to be believed, they all finish close to each other. First in, though, is Dustin, giving her and Kandice consecutive first place finishes. Tyler and James are next, followed by Rob and Kimberly. Neither team remarks on their placement; perhaps they saw Erwin waiting and realized their Fast Forward was neither particularly fast nor forward. Erwin and Godwin then finish fourth. The same order as the last leg.

Back at the Roadblock, where Mary and Lyn are performing the task. Mary finishes first and heads off. Lyn finishes and also heads off. Her cab runs out of gas. Mary gets to the pit stop first, and Phil tells her and David that they need to wait 30 minutes before they can check in. There’s a brief attempt by the editing to make it look like they have a chance, but Lyn gets there and, after they are checked in and Phil waves Mary and David in, we are told that there were still 20 minutes left on the penalty, meaning Lyn was only ten minutes behind Mary. And with that, Mary and David are gone, promising that they are not going to raise their kids to sit at home, they are going to raise their kids to go off and see the world. Somehow, there’s some dust in the air, causing me to tear up briefly. Must just be the dust.

Next week? Mud!

The Amazing Race Season TenEpisode Seven: The One Where Dweeze Regrets Saying Nice Things About Some Of These People

2006-10-30T15:22:00.000-05:00

by Dweeze

Previously on The Amazing Race.

Ding dong, the Aryan obnoxious jerk is dead
Which Aryan obnoxious jerk?
Peter the Aryan obnoxious jerk!
Ding dong, the Aryan obnoxious jerk is dead
The Aryan obnoxious jerk is dead

Yeah, previously Peter and his fetish, Sarah, were eliminated. And the crowd went wild!

So what next? Well, we’re in the Middle East, and the teams can’t Kuwait to get out of there! Ha!

David and Mary, in first place because of the Fast Forward, get their clue, telling them to go to Mauritius, an island near Madagascar, and if you think I’m going to pass up the chance to include this:

quite frankly, you’re nuts. Or as Stephen A. Smith would say “QUITE FRANKLY, YOU’RE NUTS! NOW, HOW ABOUT SOME DELICIOUS CHEESE DOODLES?” and if that isn’t a sign I spend too much time at Deadspin, I don’t know what is.

In confessional, Mary tells us what we already know, that they got the Fast Forward because of the Cho brothers. She says the friendships they have made are woth more than a million dollars. Ever try to buy groceries with friendship, Mary? Not a good currency. She further tells us that the three teams, David and Mary, Erwin and Godwin, and Lyn and Karlyn, are calling themselves the Six Pack, after the Kenny Rogers movie of the same name.

David and Mary are first at the airport, and they are told the fastest flight available goes through London. They book the tickets and wait. And we, the home viewer are now in for about twenty minutes of hot airport action.

Seriously. We don’t get out of the airport before the first break. Dustin and Kandice arrive, don’t like the idea of booking through London, and head out for more information. Rob and Kimberly arrive, and get annoyed when they are ignored when they ask David and Mary what flight they are on. Erwin and Godwin arrive and are sent to the right counter by David and Mary. Lyn and Karlyn arrive, are also sent to the right counter only to find themselves behind Dustin and Kandice, who have concluded that this flight is the only flight. The only excitement in the whole sequence comes when Tyler and James show up and, despite the fact that they are behind Lyn and Karlyn, get their tickets booked by Dustin and Kandice, causing an argument between all three teams, a meaningless argument because there is only one flight and everyone got on it.

When teams arrive, they are to head for TAR cars. You know, the identical fleet lined up right next to each other when the producers want teams to drive themselves and get lost. The car has a model boat inside, and teams have to figure out where the boat is located and then swim to it.

Everyone arrives at the boat at about the same time, except for Tyler and James, who took a wrong turn and ended up in Albuquerque. We are then treated (Dustin, Kandice) or punished (everyone else) with swimsuit shots. Dustin reaches the boat first, followed by Kimberly, but they cannot get the clue until both team members reach the boat. After getting the clue, they are directed to a post office to receive another clue.

Wait. Shouldn’t there be a roadblock here?

Anyway, teams finish, though the Cho brothers wait for Lyn and Karlyn and Mary and David to finish the task. They are still there when Tyler and James arrive, and James thinks the Cho brothers have formed the alliance so that they can take two weaker teams to the final three. You know, I got in a conversation about just that topic on Saturday, and if it is their strategy (they say in confessional, it isn’t their reason), it is a brilliant strategy.

Cut to fun driving montages. Rob and Kimberly’s car breaks down. Dustin and Kandice have an accident.

Dustin and Kandice are the first to arrive at the post office, and the clue they receive, postage due, tells them it’s detour time. I didn’t do the song last week, causing the readers not to comment, so I’ll do the song this week. Ready?

A detour is a choice between two tasks,
Between two tasks,
Between two tasks,
A detour is a choice between two tasks,
Each with its own pros and cons

Our choices are Salt ‘n’ Pepa. In Salt, teams must… Sorry. Our choice are between the current day economy and the island heritage. In Salt, teams must search three big Salt stacks to find a salt shaker containing their next clue. This should have been called the Jimmy Buffet task. In Sea, teams must take a boat to an island and, using a map created by third graders, find a mast and sail for their boat.

Dustin and Kandice elect for Sea because the clue tells them they will have a skipper to help them. Uhm, girls? The skipper is just to sail the boat. You have to find the clue by yourself.

Cut to Rob and Kimberly, finally getting a new car (but as Phil tells us in voiceover, not getting any time break for the first car breaking down), trying to find their way to the post office. Rob says it’s tough to enjoy the view when you’re stressed out all the time. Kimberly says “This isn’t a vaca” which we get captioned because, uhm, no idea. Some worry that America wouldn’t understand vaca without seeing it? Perhaps. Rob returns to his old self, making fun of the locals for not being more helpful. Because, as we all know, the only thing natives of foreign countries have to do all day long is be prepared to help any Americans who cross their path. Other things – going to their jobs, taking their kids to school, meeting a friend for lunch, you know, living their lives? – are secondary to making sure they are always able to help random asshole Americans traveling with a camera crew. Get with it, rest of the world!

You know, I said some nice things about Rob last week. I would like to withdraw those I don’t think he ever quit being an aggressive asshole, it’s just that Peter was such an enormous asshole that he made any other asshole seem like a nice guy. Peter sucked in assholeness like a black hole sucks in light, making stars that are actually burning bright seem dim. Course, there is a possibility that Peter’s absence may make Rob seem like even more of an asshole than he is. When Peter took his assholeness with him, it left an asshole void that makes Rob’s assholeness all the more assholey.

Lyn and Karlyn and Erwin and Godwin and David and Mary and Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice arrive at the Post Office all at the same time. These days, they even all have their periods at the same time! Either Karlyn or Lyn ask the postal clerk if he has a package for her, and if I knew for sure which one said it, I would make a “I’ve got a package for her” joke. But I don’t, so I won’t. All three teams debate the pros and cons of the detours, just as Phil would want them to do, and eventually decide on Salt. For a moment it looked like they might actually split up, with Erwin and Godwin going to Salt and the others to Sea, but they fought back their urges for individuality. It’s a stupid move, especially if you are considering yourself a part of an alliance. There are a limited number of salt shakers, and it’s not like you will stay to help another team find one if you find yours first. On the other hand, if you take three teams to the island at the same time, you have effectively tripled your ability to cover the island and find the mast and sails. And since all of the masts and sails are in the same place, one team completing the task means all teams complete the task.

As they are driving away from the post office, they see Tyler and James driving to the post office. The boys also decide to do Salt, because Sea is too complex. Yeah. Riding a boat, then following a map, hurts the mind.

Cut to Dustin and Kandice on the boat, happy for the break they get while sailing. They decide to stretch out in the boat, and somehow we get an almost overhead shot of the two of them laying down side by side.

Jump back to four teams at the salt piles, digging through salt. In the background, we see Mauritiusians hard at work stacking salt. I guess we know who is going to clean up the mess. Tyler tells us his hands will be pickled. Mary finds a salt shaker, but it’s filled with pepper. Ha ha! I mean, that’s HI-larious! I mean, it’s not like spilling pepper into stacks of pure salt are going to mean extra work for someone else, right? Right?

Meanwhile, Rob and Kimberly have finally found the post office. Kimberly takes the clue, and reads it. Or tries to read it, because, as Rob points out, she isn’t getting all the words. Come on. Who needs all the words? What’s the difference between, say, “when the priest gets drunk he wants to fuck you up” and “the priest wants to fuck you”? They have a debate moment over which task to do, then Rob picks Salt. As they head back to their car, Rob trips over nothing, then tosses the clue in the car window, prompting Kimberly to accuse him of throwing the clue at her.

I apologize again, but I was wrong earlier. It’s not just the absence of Peter making Rob look like more of an asshole, it’s the added factor that Rob has stepped up his game in Peter’s absence. Rob, recognizing the dearth of assholeness, is bringing it hard. He’s determined not to let this season of TAR lose it’s assholeness. Good show Rob! Good show.

Dustin and Kandice reach the island and start searching. They quickly become lost, but they are at least sharp enough to be able to read the map and head off from the boat landing in the right direction.

Rob and Kimberly find the salt piles and Kimberly immediately tells Rob that they are going to switch to sea because of the chance of passing the other four teams. He seems hesitant at first, though as they are driving off he acts like it was his idea. Seeing them leave, Tyler and James also decide to go to sea. After a couple more minutes, Erwin and Godwin and Lyn and Karlyn decide to switch as well. Mary and David, on the other hand, decide to stay. Well, David does. He says he is not going to quit, though Mary keeps pestering him about it. In confessional she says that she didn’t blame Erwin and Godwin and Lyn and Karlyn, that they were playing to win, but she felt they were going to end up being a team forever looking for the lost item and getting eliminated because of it. She keeps pestering David about switching. She tells him they are never going to find it, he says he wants to keep looking, and we cut to commercial.

Now why do I mention the commercial, seeing that I have decided not to do the commercial gig anymore? Here’s why. It’s a standard TAR editing technique to go to commercial break with someone saying something can’t be done, then come back from commercial with the person doing it. And that’s what I was expecting here. But we don’t get it. Instead, when we come back from commercial David finally agrees with Mary that, since they are in last place anyway, they need to switch tasks.

Uhm, no. No. NO! For one thing, you don’t know how hard the other task is. We, the viewers, in order to form a more perfect union, have already seen Dustin and Kandice contemplate switching tasks from Sea to Salt. But even if you want to assume the other task is easier, at this point you are so far behind the other teams that, barring unforeseen difficulties, you’re going to end up in last place. On the other hand, finding the salt shaker will probably guarantee that you will pass some of the other teams. As a result, better to stay and stake your chances on finding the salt shaker than leaving.

Meanwhile, Rob and Kimberly and Tyler and James have arrived at the island and started looking. Tyler and James head off in the opposite direction from what the map indicates, and this, added with all the time they have spent lost on the trip, explains why they were reluctant to pursue this task in the first place. I mean, figuring out the right direction to head is as simple as it can be – the map marks the sails as being to the right of the boat landing. So even if you can’t figure out north or south, once you hit the boat landing, you head right. Perhaps all the drugs they collectively did killed their sense of direction.

Not that Rob and Kimberly are doing much better. They do head off in the proper direction, but rather than trying to work their way on the path into the jungle that is drawn on the map, Rob decides to just walk along the beach. Great plan, dude!

Cut back to Dustin and Kandice, who finally find the location of the masts and sails. Guarding the location is a ManTrap1900, the original version of the Man Trap, and yes, that’s a joke so far inside no one reading (if anyone is reading) is going to get it. The ManTrap1900 is covered with grass, and one of the girls falls into it. They return with the equipment, the skipper puts it up, and they are given their clue. It instructs them to go to the next pit stop at Chateau Briand. Or some such place. The two are worried that there is no one else there, apparently ignoring the two boats from the other teams.

Jump back to Erwin and Godwin and Lyn and Karlyn getting boats and heading for the island. As they head out, Dustin and Kandice are heading in. They wave at each of the other two teams, but both the brothers and the sistahs ignore them. And, to show how long the boat ride is (or perhaps more accurately, how little time actually passed between Erwin/Godwin/Lyn/Karlyn deciding to leave salt and Mary and David deciding to leave salt, Dustin and Kandice see David and Mary on their boat headed to the island. And when Dustin and Kandice wave at them, they both wave back, much to the delight of the blondes.

So now we have five teams on sea. Rob and Kimberly find them first, with Kimberly falling into the ManTrap1900. They pass the Karlyn and Lyn and Erwin and Godwin on their way back to the main island, and they must also pass David and Mary, though we don’t see that. Same with Tyler and James. Tyler is next victim of the ManTrap1900. The boys get their equipment and head back. Before they leave, David and Mary get to the island. Indeed, just after we see Tyler and James take off, we see David/Erwin/Lyn/Karlyn/Mary/Godwin hook up and start searching. The three teams find the sails and masts at the same time, but no one falls into the ManTrap1900.

Cut to the main island, where three teams are searching for the Pit Stop. Dustin and Kandice get there first, winning scooters. Phil tells them the scooters hold two people, so they can use them to go on dates. Dustin asks Phil if she can take him on a date, and though Jeff Probst is sitting on his shoulder whispering “Say yes”, Phil just arches an eyebrow.

Tyler and James are next to the mat, and one of them remarks that one of the Six Pack will be going home. Rob and Kimberly come in third.

Cut to the Six Pack arriving at the main island. The teams are all making comments about how they don’t expect any of the other teams to wait for them or to have hard feelings about trying to not finish last. We see David and Mary take a wrong turn at Mary’s suggestion. Erwin and Godwin make it next to the mat, followed very closely by Lyn and Karlyn. Lyn and Karlyn are visibly upset, and Phil asks them why. Lyn says “Because we know who is finishing sixth”, and indeed, David and Mary are last. But we get another non-elimination, which means we should only have one left. David and Mary are marked for elimination and get hit with a 30-second penalty if they don’t finish first, and since they already used a Fast Forward, that option is no longer open to them, even if the next leg features one.

Next on the Amazing Race? Cool! A Yield? Wait. The hell? An Intersection? Sounds like teams will be required to work with another team to perform a task.

The Amazing Race Season TenEpisode Six: For Whom The Gimp Tolls

2006-10-24T17:35:00.000-04:00

Previously on The Amazing Race:

The racers participated in a star-studded salute to Steve Irwin. Peter was a major asshole even by his standards. David and Mary were last in a non-elimination leg, and for being so got slapped with a scarlet E. If they don’t finish first on the leg, they will receive a 30-minute penalty. It probably goes without saying that this could eliminate them. It probably also goes without saying that I wouldn’t mind being slapped by a Scarlett J.

Sarah and Peter, the first to arrive, are the first to depart. Whew. Glad there are some things in life you can count on. The clue is given to them in the form of a video phone message from Phil. Phil tells them to go to Kuwait and find a mystery location. Their only clue to the location is a picture of some towers. Hmm. Towers. In Kuwait. You could almost call them Kuwait Towers. Man, that will be tough to figure out. The video ends with Phil saying that if any of the racers are captured, Jerry Bruckheimer will disavow all knowledge of them. The phone then self-destructs.

In confessional, Peter admits to being a self-absorbed asshole who pushes Sarah too hard. Or is he? Maybe he’s saying that Sarah is too weak to keep up. Either way, he says he needs to ease up on her. This won’t be a problem, because they are so much better than all the other teams that they can win on their worst day. We’ll see about that. In her own confessional, Sarah tells us she is going to kill Peter in his sleep. Atta girl, Sarah!

Dustin and the spelling challenged Kandice are next out. She really should have checked with Survivor-Candice on how to spell her name. Kandice thinks they are underrated by the other teams, and that no one wants to be beaten by a couple of blond girls. I wouldn’t say no one, Kandice.

Both teams rush to get tickets for Kuwait. Peter tries to claim a medical emergency, waving Sarah’s leg in the face of the ticketing agent. This doesn’t work, but he is smart enough to show the picture of the mystery location they need to find in Kuwait, and he is rewarded by being told the name of the location, Kuwait Towers, and by being given a printout with relevant information, including address. He and Sarah book a flight with a 7:50 arrival time.

Dustin and Kandice, on the other hand, try to get good bookings by telling the agent they are Ms. California and Ms. New York, which is the same trick Tyler and James will use later. They get no special favors, instead getting the same 7:50 arrival time.

Rob and Kimberly are third out, with Rob telling us that his drama-queen nature sometimes gets them in trouble. I have to confess, I wrote Rob off early on as another in a long-line of TAR alpha males, but I think there is more to him than that. He has actually shown signs of being a decent human being at times, with sincere flashes of humor.

Speaking of humor, Erwin and Godwin are next out. Godwin is wearing a “Will Flex For Food” shirt. Not as funny as the lost Phil shirts, but not bad. They decide to wait for Karlyn and Lyn, the fifth place team, before leaving to book their flight. They start out, as do James and Tyler who

Wait. Forget it. This first segment is nothing but ticketing and airports and bunching. You don’t want to know about that. Who does? It’s the least attractive part of TAR. Here’s all you need to know: Every team, including David and Mary, who left the Pit Stop six hours after Peter and Sarah, are on the same flight. Every team, that is, except for James and Tyler, who managed to get a flight out of India three hours earlier than the other teams. This advantage was negated, however, by a layover in Mumbai, a layover that allowed the other six teams to catch up. In other words, complete and total bunching that results in everyone arriving in Kuwait at the same time.

Okay. We’re all in Kuwait. Everyone has been able to figure out the name of the clue and how to get there. It’s just a matter of who can get there fastest. Rob and Kimberly and Tyler and James are the first two teams to arrive. They have to take an elevator to the cluebox. However, the cluebox is in a portion of the tower that doesn’t open until 11:00 am. As a result, teams are required to take a number.

Dustin and Kandice are next to arrive, followed by Peter and Sarah. Peter, however, pushes past the girls to take the third number. Stay classy, Peter. Stay classy.

The Back Pack Three, Mary and David and Karlyn and Lyn and Erwin and Godwin are last to arrive. The tower hasn’t opened yet, though, so it doesn’t really matter.

The clock strikes 11:00 am, and the tower opens. It’s a Roadblock, requiring one team member to scale to the top of the tower on the outside of the building, grab a bag filled with puzzle pieces, go back to the ground, complete the puzzle, and then find the location of the next clue. There’s also a Fast Forward involving finding a clue in a fire at an oil field.

The first three teams take the Road Block, though Peter does briefly debate using the Fast Forward. Dustin and Kandice also debate using the Fast Forward, then opt for Road Block. Lyn and Karlyn and Erwin and Godwin also choose Road Block, leaving the Fast Forward for David and Mary. Those two can’t decide which to do, though it should be an easy decision. As they are debating, Kandice and Dustin change their minds and come back to the clue box for the Fast Forward. Erwin and Godwin intercept them and tell them they are already heading for the Fast Forward, causing the Beauty Queens to return to the Road Block. Erwin and Godwin then practically push David and Mary into taking the Fast Forward, and return themselves to the Road Block line, telling the others David and Mary had beaten them to the Fast Forward.

Now it’s time for teams to split up, with one person climbing and the other returning to the ground. Kimberly takes the task, and though she is nervous, she gets it done pretty quick. Tyler goes next, showing off all the way.

Peter has told Sarah to do the task, since she has demonstrated her superb climbing skills several times in the competition. What a jerk. It’s tough for her, but she manages. Everyone manages, even Erwin, who is terrified by heights. No surprise, though. They were tethered to the ladder, the ladder was covered, and though they could see around them to the outside of the building, they would have had to actively take their safety gear off to ever be in danger on the challenge.

David and Mary reach the Fast Forward, and it’s pretty easy. They are to put on flame resistant suits, and, while surrounded by firemen able to put the flames out at a moment’s notice, approach the clue box located in the middle of the flames and get the clue. They do so easily, though not before Mary notes that she should be in a Steven Seagal movie (Race Through Flames? Under Clues?) and David notes that he always wanted to be a fireman. The clue tells them to go directly to the next Pit Stop.

Back at the Road Block, everyone is now back on the ground working on their puzzles. Yes, this is television at its finest, ladies and gentlemen. Television at its finest.

The completed puzzle is in Arabic, causing teams to find people to translate for them. Most everyone finds assistance without incident. On the other hand, Karlyn and Lyn get a man to write down directions for them, and when they see Kandice and Dustin approach the same men for help, they tell him not to assist the blondes. What are they to do? What man is going to come up and help to hot blondes in need of assistance? Oh yeah. Every man. No sooner do they get rejected than someone comes up and, in front of Karlyn and Lyn, offer to take Dustin and Kandice to the location, prompting complaints from Lyn that it isn’t fair. Right. It’s fair that you got someone to translate, it’s fair that you got someone to write out directions, it’s fair that they were unwilling to help Dustin and Kandice because you asked them not to do so, but it’s unfair that Dustin and Kandice were able to get help on their own.

One by one, teams arrive at the clue box. It’s a detour, and you all know what that means:

Aww, fuck it. Sing it to yourselves.

Anyway, our choices are Manual or Automatic. In Manual, teams must fill ten 110-pound bags of camel feed. In automatic, teams go to the camel racing club to race camels with voice-controlled robot jockeys. By the way, I had a dream with voice-controlled robot jockeys racing camels one night, but attributed it to bad shellfish. Tyler and James are the first to arrive, and head off to do manual. Or do Manuel. I get confused.

Cut to Mary and David arriving at the Pit Stop. Yay, them! Hit with a brutal penalty, saved by a gimmick. Actually, saved by the Cho brothers. But whose counting. Phil welcomes them, then gives them a trip to Jamaica mon for winning the leg.

Jump back to the Detour clue box, which Rob and Kimberly find next. They try to act like they didn't find it, hiding their clue and not reading it until they are back at their car. Peter and Sarah attempt deceit as well, but the open clue in their hand tips off Erwin and Godwin. Peter and Sarah reach the car and decide on automatic. Erwin and Godwin choose manual. So do Dustin and Kandice, next to the clue box. Lyn and Karlyn are last, opting for automatic. So that's four manual, two automatic. Plan Voodoo will not be working tonight.

We're now treated to shots of racers driving around Kuwait. Dustin and Kandice find a guide, and arrive at manual shortly before Rob and Kimberly, who manage to locate it on their own. Everyone else, and I mean everyone else, has trouble finding their destinations. Now, I’ve never been to Kuwait, though I’ve been to Oklahoma. People tell me I was born there, but I really don’t…

Sorry, I was thinking of something else.

Now, I've never been to me. Sorry, wrong start again.

Now, I've never been to Kuwait, so maybe it is tough driving. Or maybe this batch of racers has some real idiots. We've had mostly cabbies for most of the race, so this is one of the first times we've really seen them drive themselves, and most are not impressing. Erwin and Godwin finally reach manual at about the time Dustin and Kandice and Rob and Kimberly are done filling their bags. Indeed, Dustin and Kandice had taken their bags to the observer, but were told they were not yet done because their bags weren't full enough. Dude. Their bags are plenty full enough, if you know what I mean and I think you do. This error allows Rob and Kimberly to finish the task first, getting the final clue directing them to the Pit Stop. Dustin and Kandice finish shortly after, also heading for the Pit Stop.

Meanwhile, Lyn and Karlyn arrive at the camel racing club. They get told what to do, prep their tiny robot jockey, then start the race. It doesn't take long before they finish the task and head off for the Pit Stop. Cut to Erwin and Godwin finishing manual and heading off to the Pit Stop.

So that makes four teams headed for the Pit Stop and two teams still hopelessly lost. We see Peter and Sarah find a yellow arrow only to get out and discover it is the already completed Fast Forward. We see Peter and Sarah return to the detour clue box and get directions again from the same man who gave them directions before. We see Peter yell at Sarah and blame her for getting them lost. Finally, we see Tyler and James arrive at automatic. It's not the task they were looking to do, but it is a task, and they do it, but not before James tells the camel that the camel sucks because they couldn't find it. Yeah, it's the damn camel's fault.

But what about the teams headed to the Pit Stop? They too are having driving troubles, such that Dustin and Kandice actually reach the Pit Stop before Rob and Kimberly and Lyn and Karlyn reach before Erwin and Godwin. But they reach, in that order. The Brothers Cho are particularly thrilled to find they are in fifth place, because they were certain they were goners. Shortly after they get there, James and Tyler arrive.

Intercut with all of the shots of people arriving at the Pit Stop are more shots of Peter and Sarah driving around Kuwait. Based on the editing, the Iraqi army didn’t spend as much time in Kuwait as Peter and Sarah, and to just about as good of an end. It’s dark when they finally find the spot where the Manual challenge takes place, but the instructions they get there tell them to head to the Pit Stop, a sure sign that the most perfect ending is going to occur – Peter and Sarah will be eliminated. And, indeed, they are, getting the bad news from Phil. Peter tells Phil that he doesn’t think they are a good couple. Sarah tells us in confessional that – well, hell. Let’s let her speak for herself:

“I learned a lot about him in these stressful situations. He is a very strong go-getter, but he isn’t a very nurturing or kind individual. I want someone that’s driven and is strong, but I’m also looking for someone who is caring and compassionate.”

In other words, she wants someone who is strong enough for a man, but made for a woman. She continues “I really got to see a lot of sides to Peter on this trip, and he’s not the person for me.”

Sarah, Peter isn’t the person for anyone other than Peter. Don’t beat yourself up over it.

You know, it’s hard to say considering how far off the grid Peter and Sarah fell, but Erwin and Godwin may have saved David and Mary. They wouldn’t have gotten the Fast Forward without the brothers, and they probably could not have finished more than 30 minutes ahead of any other team under normal conditions. Though I’m glad they did, I don’t think David and Mary are long for the show. They’re easily the worst remaining team, though Tyler and James seem to share Season Seven’s Brian and Greg’s ability to get lost. But even if they do go out next, they finished better than five teams, they won a trip to Jamaica, and they did their kids proud. That’s nothing to sneeze at.

Something else, while I’m at it. Though there’s no way of knowing, I wonder if maybe Sarah didn’t intentionally bag the race. Could she have led them in circles for hours on purpose? It’d be the TAR-equivalent of fragging the looey.

Finally, with Peter and Sarah gone, there’s no team left that you can tab as total villains. I wouldn’t want to see a yield used on any of the remaining teams. Sure, Karlyn and Lyn can be obnoxious on occasion, but they can also be decent, and realistically, there’s not much chance of them finishing higher than fourth or fifth. We could have another all decent final three, unless Kimberly really kicks things up a notch.

On the next Amazing Race: Karlyn and Lyn mix it up with Dustin and Kandice, proving everything I just said about them is wrong.

The Amazing Race Season TenEpisode Five: At Least It Wasn't Stingrays

2006-10-17T09:45:00.000-04:00

by Dweeze

Previously on The Amazing Race:

Tom (or was it Terry?) uttered the phrase “Pick up your Vietnamese dong” and I was giggling like a third grade boy when one of his friends farts. We had a rock-climbing roadblock, and Sarah – who did such a magnificent job the first time she had to scale something using just a rope, her arm, and her prosthesis – chose to do this rope-climbing endeavor as well, with the same results as last time, and dear Lord Sarah, if you can’t remember how painfully you struggled doing the exact same challenge not more than five days ago in real time, you deserve the Aryan control freak who is your race partner. Finally, proving what I said in the last summary I wrote, when push came to shove Dustin and Kandice were much better equipped to perform a grueling physical task than Tom and Terry, resulting in Tom and Terry’s elimination.

Who’ll be eliminated tonight? Actually, more likely who won’t be eliminated tonight? I mean, we’re down to seven teams with presumably eight episodes left. You need three for the final, four for the next to final. That means three non-eliminations need to be worked in here someplace, making tonight the most likely place for them to start. Whether it will be an old style non-elimination (which I hate) or an extended leg (which I love) is yet to be seen.

See the thing is, as I write this, I don’t know the outcome of the episode. This intro bit? I’m writing this on Tuesday, well before the show even airs. I already know what happened previously on The Amazing Race, cause it just happened. I don’t give a (corpse) fuck what CBS tells us happened previously when they tell us next Sunday night. I know what I want to mention, and the hell with CBS. Course, I can’t write anything else until the show airs, but at least I have my opening.

Oh, wait. I can write something else, and I need to do so because Tom and Terry are gone. Is it me, or has the obligatory gay couple gotten more flaming as TAR seasons pass? I mean, Team Guido were far from the butchest pair of guys ever to cross a TV screen, but they were Clint Eastwood and Bruce Willis compared to Tom and Terry. At this rate, by the time we get to TAR 15, the obligatory gay couple will be dressed like Guy Pearce and Terence Stamp in Priscilla, Queen of the Desert. (Or, for those of you who are Australian movie challenged, like John Leguizamo and Patrick Swayze in To Wong Foo Thanks For Everything, Julie Newmar.)

But I digress.

Rob and Kimberly are the first to leave. Their clue tells them they will be flying to Chennai, India where they will be welcomed as liberators until they shoot someone in the face. They need to first take a train to Hanoi, then, due to Vietnamese laws which require tickets to be sold only in travel agencies, find a travel agency to buy tickets. In confessional Rob tells us that the race is an interview for him and Kimberly to see if they want a life together. Personally, I’d give them life separately, with no possibility of parole, but that’s probably just me. He adds that the two of them need to learn how to chill. The sad truth is that they will never learn how to chill, they will get married, they will breed, and their child will be the kid who always has to win at whatever he does. I hate that child already.

Next out are Peter and Sarah. Sarah tells us she no longer holds Peter on a pedestal. As much as I’d like to congratulate her for that, my main impulse is to ask why the hell she ever put him on one in the first place. I would hate to think that it’s simply a matter of, when you’re an amputee, you’re happy for any attention. But maybe it is. I don’t know. I do know that asshole is Peter’s default mode, and it shouldn’t have taken the race to show Sarah that fact.

Next out are Tyler and James. One of them – and does it really matter which one? – says that one of the keys to the race is being able to deal with things beyond one’s control, and adds that, due to their former addictions, they are used to dealing with things beyond their control.

After the models are Erwin and Godwin. They’ve got cool shirts with the word LOST on them. There also appears to be a picture of Phil on the shirts and a reward for finding him. As they turn, we see that the back of the shirts say “Vote 4 Cho.” You know, I would vote for Margaret Cho for anything. They tell us that they are in the race for the adventure, not the money.

Not so for David and Mary, the next team out. David tells us he wants to win so he can quit working in a coal mine, going down down. Working in a coal mine, whoops about to get down. He adds that if they win, he can take the kids to Disneyland.

Two teams left, the two all female teams. Lyn tells us that she and Karlyn have never continuously spent this much time together, even in college. They both joke that they need some alone time.

Dustin and Kandice lament the fact that they are in last place, and add that they need to be more aggressive. Aggressive beauty queens. I can get behind that.

Rob and Kimberly reach the train station first, which means they are the first to realize we’re bunching. Everyone makes this train to Hanoi, and the train leaves. We see a shot of Tyler and James looking out, seeing people shooting up by the train tracks. This prompts much wistful longing for the old days.

Cut to Erwin and Godwin, talking about how well they are getting along with David and Mary and Lyn and Karlyn. The boys wonder if any of the others are sharing information. The three teams then review their maps, trying to figure out which travel agency is the closest. As they review their maps, Peter gets up and walks past them, offering to share information with them. Before they can say anything, he walks past to the next car.

In the next car, he tells Kandice and Dustin that other teams are sharing information. He tells them they need to work together. The girls halfheartedly agree, then, after he leaves, Dustin asks Kandice why he is being nice. Kandice says it’s because he likes her, which seems as good as any reason to me. I figure the other teams have already made known their unwillingness to work with him. They say that working with Peter will occur on a case-by-case basis. That Peter. No one likes him.

On his way back to Sarah, he again asks the Misfit Alliance if they want to share information. Lyn says sure, but Peter says nothing. Lyn tells us that she knows Peter was just trying to play them. Staying there, Erwin and Godwin pull out a fake cell phone and pretend to call a travel agency. Peter overhears them, and immediately rushes back to Kandice and Dustin. The people they are sitting with have a phone, and Peter uses it to call an agency. They book tickets and tell the agent they are on their way.

We jump forward to the train reaching Hanoi and teams disembarking. We’re almost a quarter of the way through the episode and we haven’t reached an airport yet. The teams scramble to find a travel agency. In fact, we spend the next fifteen minutes or so with teams booking flights, getting to the airport, scrambling to change flights, scrambling to make flights, and one team, David and Mary, missing a flight. Seriously. We spend about fifteen minutes on this. We reach the second break and no one has even landed in Chennai yet. If you like fast-paced airport action, this episode of TAR is for you. The only thing – truly, the only thing – breaking this up is Peter being a jerk. As he and Sarah and Dustin and Kandice sit in a café, he does an imitation of David and Mary. If the editing is to be believed, David and Mary were sitting within listening distance. When all is said and done, Kandice and Dustin and Sarah and Peter, who were on the last flight to leave Hanoi, are on the first flight to arrive in Chennai.

The clue tells teams to find an arts and crafts place in Mamallapuram. I had to take Mamallapuram when I was in the hospital to get my kidney stones removed. Peter starts off the ugly American scenes when he tells Sarah they are going from one polluted city to another. You know, Hanoi and Chennai weren’t polluted before Peter got there. Just sayin’. Dustin and Kandice are the first to Mamallapuram, where they find they have to wait, though not long enough to consider it bunching, for the place to open.

Rob and Kimberly complain about the smell, and then Karlyn says – wait. Karlyn says something nice. Well, maybe it’s nice. She says it’s good to be in a place where people have more substance on their bodies than in Vietnam. That’s a nice thing to say, right?

Anyway, Mamalluram opens and guess what? It’s detour time, and you know what that means – the detour song! Sing along, boys and girls

A detour is a choice between two tasks,
Between two tasks
Between two tasks
A detour is a choice between two tasks
Each with its own pros and cons

Our choices today are Wild Things or Wild Rice. In Wild Things, teams much watch the entire Denise Richards-Neve Campbell-Matt Dillon sex scenes without getting aroused. If a team member gets aroused, they have to start over.

Sorry. That’s how I would make a Wild Things challenge. In reality, the Wild Things challenge involves helping some crocodile wranglers move a crocodile from one crocodile pit to another without making a single stingray comment. And, by the way, because I love it so much, here’s this:

In Wild Rice, teams must use colored rice and a picture to paint an elaborate pattern on the ground. So, apparently, the pros and cons of these two tasks are as follows:

Wild Things Pro: Can complete it quickly.
Wild Things Con: Possibly eaten by crocodile (though, depending on who was eaten, I might be inclined to put this in the pro column), the task is first-come, first served.

Wild Rice Pro: No possibility of being eaten by crocodile, unless of course you give up and decide to go wrangle crocodiles anyway because the task takes fucking forever.
Wild Rice Con: The tasks takes fucking forever.

Kandice and Dustin and Sarah and Peter all choose to do Wild Things, and the possibility of someone (Peter) being eaten by a crocodile has never filled me with such glee. The two teams run back to their cabs to take off for Crocodile Village, but Kandice and Dustin find their cab has a flat tire. Peter finds a great deal of pleasure in this, and race past them. They get to the task and find that it consists of putting bands around the snout of a crocodile that wranglers are holding still. They then have to put the croc on a wooden stretcher and carry it to its new home. To do so they need to climb over a short wall. As they do so, Peter says “Come on, sister” to Sarah, adding incest to the paraplegic fetish we already knew he had. While they are transporting their crocodile, Kandice and Dustin start banding theirs.

Sarah and Peter finish, getting their next clue. It tells them to take a bus back to Chennai and find a driving school. They rush to get to the bus, but miss it. Peter gets on Sarah’s case for being too slow. Nice guy, Peter. Then, when she tells him she can’t go faster, he tells her he isn’t telling her to go faster. Dude. It’s right there on tape. He then goes passive-aggressive on her, telling her that if she wants him to do so, he’ll quit trying so hard to win. Dickweed. That’s really the only thing you can say about Peter. He’s a dickweed. But it doesn’t end there. He says he just wants her to have fun. That’s all he really wants. To have fun. She tells him she isn’t having any fun, and I realize I much prefer a Kimberly and Rob’s open warfare with each other to the underhanded sniping of these two.

Dustin and Kandice finish up moving their crocodile, which sounds like something the euphemism generator would come up with, and catch up with Peter and Sarah at the bus stop. Meanwhile, Karlyn and Lyn and Erwin and Godwin have found the detour. They both opt for Wild Rice, despite the fact that they need to put costumes on and take their shoes and socks off. They start in on the task, standing on hot concrete.

Kimberly and Rob are next to arrive, picking Wild Things. During the cab ride there Kimberly spots a roaming cow, asking Rob if the cow is homeless. Not as funny as my ox is broken, but not bad. They start in on the task as Karlyn and Lyn and Erwin and Godwin, and really, that’s a lot of “in” sounds, decide to switch tasks. As they are leaving James and Tyler arrive and choose Wild Rice. Apparently wrangling crocodiles is too much like the fevered-drug-induced dreams they used to have.

Rob and Kimberly arrive, quickly completing the task, and go to the bus stop. While there, Karlyn and Erwin and Lyn and Godwin all arrive, complete the task, and make it to the bus stop before the next bus leaves. Meanwhile, David and Mary arrive and also choose Wild Rice. Mary asks David why he thinks she would want to wrestle a crocodile. Of course she wouldn’t – she’s probably never been near anything with all of its teeth.

Now here's the thing. I'm sure wrestling a crocodile sounds dangerous as hell. But it isn't. At least, it isn't in Amazing Race land. See, the producers are going to make sure that, if you do the task properly, the way the people at the task tell you to do it, you won't get hurt. You won't even have a risk of getting hurt. The only way you can get hurt doing a task, no matter how dangerous it sounds, is if you fuck it up. Sure, you might get some scrapes rock-climbing, or have some sore muscles. But no matter how high you climb or zipline or parachute, the safety of the task has been tested over and over and over again. The last thing the TAR producers want are headlines screaming "Contestant Dies While Trying To Wrestle Crocodile". So that's why it's crocodile wrestling and not stingray catching.

The first two teams get separated, and Peter and Sarah are the first to arrive at the driving school, home of a roadblock. One person has to take driving lessons, then pass a driving test. Peter, of course, chooses to perform the task. He is quickly taught how to drive, and passes his test. The clue he gets tells them to drive the cab to the next pit stop. They do so, winning the leg. As if anyone cares.

Cut back to Tyler and James and David and Mary using the rice to color the pattern. It’s an impossibly long task, especially compared to how quickly everyone handled the crocodiles.

Cut back to Dustin and Kandice finishing up the road block. They set off to the pit stop, arriving shortly after Sarah and Peter. Phil asks if they will be the first all female team to win the race, probably hoping for some hot Probst-on-contestant action. As they finish, Erwin and Karlyn and Godwin and Lyn arrive and do the task.

Back at the roadblock, Rob is performing the task. Somehow, as the show progresses, he is becoming a more decent human being. Maybe it’s the scruffy growth he’s keeping on his face.

Tyler and James finish the detour and head off to the driving school. In short order Rob and Kimberly, Erwin and Godwin, and Lyn and Karlyn arrive at the mat. Phil chides Erwin and Godwin for picking a bad picture of him for their shirts.

We’re zipping through this roadblock. In fact, it probably takes less time to watch than it does to read. That’s what happens when you spend half a show in airports. Tyler and James do the roadblock, reach the pit stop, and tell Phil that a low finish was a good thing, cause it will humble them. That leaves all the teams but one.

It’s dark, and David and Mary finally arrive at the driving school, which is still open. If we needed another sign that this was a non-elimination episode – and did we? I don’t think so – the fact that the school is still open gives it to us. I mean, everyone else completed the task during daylight. David and Mary are so far behind it’s dark, yet they have to do the task anyway. If it were an elimination, they would get moved right to the mat. Indeed, Phil doesn’t even attempt to fool them into thinking they’ve been eliminated. Instead, he goes with a pretty straightforward “last to arrive, happy to tell you non-elim, but you need to give up your money and belongings and”

The hell? He just told them they get to keep their stuff. Wow. They got rid of the penalty for finishing last in a non-elim…

The hell???? Now they’re being told they are marked for elimination. If they don’t finish first the next leg, they will be assessed a 30-minute penalty when they do finish.

Wow. That’s pretty fucking vicious. That’s first prize is a Cadillac, second prize is steak knives, third prize is you’re fired vicious. That’s first prize is two tickets to see Gallagher, second prize is four tickets to see Gallagher vicious. Bravo, TAR producers. Bravo. You recognized that taking people’s money and belongings was not causing them any impediment and devised a penalty that could result in elimination. Have David and Mary finished ahead of any non-last place team by more than 30 minutes in any leg of the race? Other than last week, of course? I wouldn’t be surprised, however, to see a Fast Forward on the next leg. That might be the only thing that could save David and Mary. We’ll see.

Next on The Amazing Race. Lyn and Karlyn get into a fight with Dustin and Kandice over a man and we’re treated to some sort of robot camel racing. Well, not robot camels, but robots on camels. And believe me, you really need to look far and wide to get any sort of hot robot on camel tapes.

The Amazing Race, Season 10, Episode 4: It's Too Hard!!!

2006-10-09T22:05:00.000-04:00

by Technoir

Preface

Let me start with the essentials of life here. Sunday is for football. Sunday has been for football since before I could walk. And this season we have the advent of Sunday Night Football. At 8PM. So what in the bloody blue blazes is The Amazing Race doing on on Sunday night?

Not only is it on on Sunday night but I can't tell what damn time it is going to be on because all of the schedule gets shifted depending on when the football game ends. And my Comcast provided fake-Tivo will record the scheduled time, not the actual time of a show. Even if I am sitting there recording it manually. It just shuts the hell off when it thinks the show is supposed to be over.

So now we have gays and damn athiests on during The Children's Hour on a show that has long ago worn thin at an unpredictable time opposite a football game (Pittsburgh v San Diego I'll have you know) that I can't watch because I am dedicated to you, my public, who must not be forced to watch this increasingly dreadful POS yourself. I sometimes wish that I could be more like Heather
who is actually enjoying the show this season but then I remember that she is eight months pregnant and count my blessings.

Enough! On With The Show!

Tonight's episode, curiously enough, begins with a ticking stopwatch and an ancient curmudgeon babbling on about knowing the capitals of 48 states and some other blather that I can't bear to watch. Sorry but you're on your own here. Do you think that one day Andy Rooney will die on-air? Or that he and Charlie Daniels have a thing going and that he'll outlast us all? Creepily enough, he is followed by a Cialis commercial featuring a graphic definition of priapism.

More commercials ... Oh wait. The show hasn't actually started yet. Whew!

Previously on The Amazing Race Dweeze told you what happened in a much more interesting way. Phil just wants us to be all tense about that half an hour that Tom and Jerry had to stand in time-out for cheating. We didn't believe it then and we don't believe it now Phil. I'd offer another moment of silence for the passing that was Duke and Lauren but I still can't stand his bigoted self, so they're on their own. The only thing that surprises me is that Phil didn't get that man-boob breast reduction surgery that I told him about last season. I guess you just can't help some people.

Eight teams remain. We are returned to that lovely opening montage when they were all shiny and new and we were trying to figure out who they were, only to be shocked that we have totally forgotten some of them already. Remember Vipul and Arti?

Commercials, bulleted for your convenience:

AOL is now the bastion of safety on the internet. You need them. They have a dorky guy wearing a dreadful brown jacket, so he must be useful.
Triaminic cough syrup which is evidently for unartfully created paper cutout wolf children on Hallowe’en. Perhaps they are werewolves and need to suppress their coughs better to approach prey. Although it says “The medicine of motherhood.” Perhaps the werewolves are trying to infiltrate our hearts by advertising their sweetness and maternal instinct.
Scummy fake poker players, a mechanic, and geek boys for Wendy’s who has apparently decided to make a play for the unbathed male population.
Chase has some bonus if you use their card as if you don’t pay for it.
NCIS, Another Boring Episode.

Woo Hoo! We’re back

We begin in the rice patty outside of Hanoi where we found the last pit stop. The Wins, Gay and Gayer, leave first. I can’t tell them apart but one of them is wearing a tee shirt that says “Let’s Hug It Out.” And you know I can’t make this stuff up.

They are going to Ly Tai To Gardens in Hanoi by taxi. Given that it is now 10:55 PM we strongly suspect that we will soon be witness to one of the traditional TAR devices that always seems to surprise the participants: Bunching. The camera takes us to Hanoi and through the gardens, softly lit with the red light that in the days of American warring indicated the presence of ladies who would love you long time but now reminds us all of the takeover by the Reds. Or perhaps it is just another wave of the evanescent scent of Robert McNamara.

I seem to have wandered a bit. Sorry. It is too close to election time.

No wonder I wandered. One of them is babbling about how they are Asian-Americans and have to represent well in the race because, you know, they are symbols of all Asian-Americans. It’s the one with the shirt. So they joke about going to Disneyland. Apparently they don’t realize that they have already failed miserably.

The models, who would be gay if they didn’t love themselves so much, make dong jokes in the taxi. Rob of Rob and Kimberly calls the cab driver “bro.” The Pageant Blondes are wearing pink caps. The Gimp and The Sadistic Control Freak (SCF) are next. Oh, I just can’t stand it. There’s nothing to watch except wave after wave of these dweebs getting a clue – literally of course. Nothing could cause a single one of them to get a mental clue. They get money. They get in cabs. They ride in the dark. And because there isn’t a damn thing to see we are ‘treated’ to a seemingly endless stream of confessionals. And damn, they do go on.

How many times are we going to hear about the Moms who Live For Their Children? And really, how much perky can one writer stand? Can anybody understand a word the Kentuckians are saying? Besides everybody knows that a coalminer with any ambition figures out a way to become a hockey player. How on earth did these two end up on TV? Could the producer understand a word they were saying? Wait, I think she said “couch potato” and “my foot.” Also, I know from personal experience that not every aging gay runs like a girl and cries at every opportunity.

Oh, the producers love stereotypes? Doh. But I thought Landru asked them to stop. They really ought to listen. He has Powers.

We were on the way to the gardens, weren’t we?

They get in cabs, get out of cabs, say “go go go” to cab drivers. A lot. They seem to all be wearing coal miner’s headgear with lights. Perhaps they will all turn into Kentucky before this race is over. They arrive at the gardens and are treated to an auditory clue that is half in English and half in what I presume is Vietnamese. A recording at the ghost of Robert McNamara statue tells them “Attention Racers. Take a taxi across the Red River to Ben Xe Gia Lam then Ben Xe Bai Chay then find the Hydrofoil Harbor.” At first I had a flash of an ancient John Wayne movie but then remembered that everyplace has a red river. It is the one that is full of mud. And Vietnam is no exception.

In the ensuing chaos there are pitiful failed attempts to reproduce the tone and syllabification of the recording. Why let's all make fun of our racers because they don't speak the language. The Moms and Kentucky are particularly wretched. Those who appear a bit more clueful take the taxi driver to the recording. Of course it is partially in English so that doesn't work so well. The daters -- well he is the worst drama queen I've ever seen. She keeps telling him 'Don't freak out Don't freak out." Shetucky tells the taxi driver of her love for him and practically giggles. Gaywin and Gayerwin keep representing. They're 'tailing' somebody but I don't think they mean what I might mean by 'tailing.'

And the daters are in some tragically annoying downward spiral. She yells and yells at him about not freaking out. Of course that creates such a calming atmosphere. He says -- again, I'm not making this up -- "He's just toying with us right now" while freaking out. He is sweating like a stuck pig. Why yes Dave. You've caught on to those wiley Asian taxi drivers. The get a victim in the taxi and, like a cat with a mouse, just toy away. It is all retaliation for the war that happened before the taxi driver was born.

I can't tell you how grateful I am for commercials brought to you by Excedrin.

Excedrin is available someplace
Cheerios are fruity. They look like Froot Loops.
There is all this traffic in New York City colored in a golden-tinged semi- daguerreotype kind of picture. It is really quite attractive, although I think it is supposed to be a bit scary. Then the cars start floating and my head explodes. I force myself for the sake of all of you to study it. This takes a while because the floating car makes my neck snap my head in a direction not facing the television. After some experiments with mirrors (or, as that other wretched commercial says, murrrs) I find that GM now has a 100,000 mile warranty. Big whoop.
Gold and black are clearly the colors of the evening. Golden and black colored things for Sprint and it's powerful network.
A gold bouncing happy face and taped on numbers for Wal-Mart because they don't want you to think about what those low prices are actually costing you.
Things blowing up for The Unit.
CBS telling you how intensely they care about you by using autistic children.

Back To The Fray

The daters bail out of their taxi, find another and drag him back to hear the announcement. Whereupon he utters the single most ridiculous sentence I have ever heard on the Race, and I’ve heard many.

“I’m done talking with foreigners.”

I can’t quite bring myself to explain so I’ll just wait a minute while you think about this man in a taxi in Hanoi. Who is done talking with “foreigners.”

.

.

.

Ok, ready to proceed?

Mr. and Mrs. Coalminer say some stuff. Their taxi driver says some stuff. It is all indecipherable but they end up back at the announcement with the taxi driver. The Moms look despairing and lost, eventually ending back at the announcement with their driver.

Finally the Queens, Beauty find the Hydrofoil schedule followed closely by the other Queens inexplicably wearing matching orange shirts and Gaywin and Gayerwin. We seem to have an emerging theme. They can stop this matching clothes nonsense any time, but in my heart of hearts I suspect producer encouragement. Gimp and Perv (I could never improve on those names) arrive followed by the Moms. The Models are in there somewhere. This is one of those middle of the night things when we have no sense of time. Of course it really doesn’t matter because of the Bunching. The Daters arrive, she whining and he predicting the doom of civilization talking about the “worst taxi experience in the history of taxi driving.” He appears to be the greatest master of hyperbole in the history of hyperbole-masters. The Hillbillies get back on track and she struggles to plant a huge smooch on the taxi driver. Wiggle and squirm though he might, he can’t escape.

So they are in Full Bunch on a bus to Ha Long Bay. We are fortunate because sometime during the 100 mile bus trip the day has dawned and we are able to see what is a very beautiful country. They still need to find Hydrofoil Harbor.

Where they find a Roadblock. Y'know, Phil didn't explain what a Roadblock is. I'm so disappointed. Does he think we already know? That we hang on his every word? ? He does explains in his High Drama Voice that one team member must use mechanical ascenders to climb up the sheer face of a rock to receive their clue. First come first served for the three ascenders.

After some confusing footage of each of the teams (Bunched, remember?) grabbing clues and racing on foot along a breakwater to small boats with outboard motors. There is some bumping going down to the water’s edge. Tom and Jerry are first and Daters second at this point, although we all know that the position doesn’t matter at all. Shetucky’s leg hurts. The Queens, Beauty push ahead of the Moms who point out that the ensuing leg cut is what she deserved for cutting ahead. The boats race across the harbor, the Models whining about their crappy boat.

For all of Phil’s Danger Voice they are equipped and strapped and strapped and helmeted such that if anybody had a heart attack they’d probably just hang from their straps. Our major drama is provided by The Gimp who worriedly stares at the cliff and The Perv who keeps telling her how she will be ok. When she looks shaky he shouts that she should play her handicapped card to get the next ascender. While she is a sniveling overachiever, he really is a colossal perverted over controlling shit.

The Daters are down, heading for another boat trip a mile across the harbor to Sung Sot Cave. The clue is inside the cave. They are followed by the Hillbillies.

And we’re back to the rock face where we see helmets and hands and some photographer hoping to earn his chops so that he can find work on some Freddy movie. In spite of the high drama, most folks suck up the pain and get to the top eventually. I suspect heavy and fast editing behind the scenes. I also suspect in real life this took hours and was accented with endless boring whining. The Gimp is on her way up the hill, still sniveling about her metal appendage getting caught when we are relieved by another round of commercials.

Brought to you by Wendy's All White Meat Chicken Sandwich
Wendy's 99 cent Super Value Meal by all of those white guys who don't bathe
Assorted floors for Lowe's
Unattractive women backed up by a drum solo for Dove's shampoo and conditioner
Gold Rush which seems to be a television show on CBS
Doogie Houser and some other people that I wish didn't exist for two dreadful CBS shows
10 seconds of Survivor
John Lithgow who was once a decent actor hawking wretched expensive canned soup
Somebody with a british accent for a Mercedes. I think they are trying to be more like BMW
Meat, meat, and more meat for Ruby Tuesday
My Local News for My Local News

And the sniveling continues as The Perv lies back in the boat telling her she's doing a good job.

Meanwhile the frontrunners arrive at the cave and, unlike the sneakily constructed preview, have to get off of the boat and climb up a path constructed for tourists to the caves. This bay is populated with huge rock outcroppings apparently, in some cases, containing caves and this is one of those not so fascinating entities. The Daters arrive first at the clue; he can’t believe it. They find a Detour and once again Phil fails to explain what a detour is. I’m so disappointed. Btw, his breasts still look ginormous in the loose orange shirt. Wearing that silly necklace doesn’t distract the eye.

Meanwhile the Moms, the Models, the Queen, Beauty and the Gimp struggle up the cliff with coaching from their partners below. I thought male models had to work out but these two don’t seem to have a muscle between them.

The Detour consists of Over where they ride a junk to a marked buoy, then row a sampan to a supply boat, load provisions, row to a floating village – a cluster of boats on which folks work and live – and deliver the provisions to specific addresses. They then row back to the supply boat with the signed invoice which they trade for the next clue. Or Under where they ride a junk to a different marked buoy, row a sampan to a pearl farm marked with buoys lined up like curvy lane markers in a pool, choose a lane, and pull up (harvest) 30 pearl baskets into their boats, the deliver them to a pearl farmer who will give them a clue. There is no obvious advantage of one over the other at first glance.

Water, Water Everywhere

The Daters, of course, have no idea what a junk is. A JUNK IS A BOAT. Didn’t your parents read to you?

Scrambling back down from the cave they find boats. And signs that say “OVER” and “UNDER.” “Do you know how to row a boat?” “Did you ever row a boat?” “Please don’t yell at me.” Please stop your passive aggressive crap. You can’t out passive-aggressive each other so stop making us watch you try.

We are treated to seemingly endless bickering from The Daters. He hyperbolizes “We’re never getting out of this harbor.” No never. You’ll grow old there, stroking your beard and living off of fish. Don’t taunt me with the dream. You’ll only disappoint me later.

Tom and Jerry worry about having to row but settle in on deck chairs. Hetucky admits that he is ascairt of deep water, punctuated by a plumber’s asscrack. I find that over time I am able to decipher a word or two, but comprehending Spanish is easier. I got her saying “When you become my boss you can tell me what to do.” One gets the feeling that she has said that more than, say, 10,000 times. The Daters try to figure out how to row. He says things like “up, down, up, down.” He may have said that more than once. I’d like to share more of their incessant bickering but it gives me a shooting pain in the center of my skull. They have picked “Under” and eventually begin to pull up baskets of pearls.

Tom and Jerry try to figure out how to row. Hetucky manages to row with Shetucky shrieking at him. Tom and Jerry try to figure out how to row. Gaywin and Gayerwin row a bit. Gimp jabbers while Perv rows. The Moms don’t know how to row. The Queens, Beauty try to row from a standing position. Tom and Jerry have figured out how to row and went to the wrong place. I don’t know how they figured out that they were in the wrong place, but I’ll take their word for it. By the way Ha Long Bay is just beautiful with dottings of craggy rocks rising from the deep green water. I would be a lovely place to visit. But we can’t because we have snuck up to commercials.

We are supposed to vote for the most irritating partner, from Sprint who apparently don't realize that it would be impossible to decide.
More gold and black from Sprint.
Cartoony people for the "Over The Hedge" DVD. I'm supposed to care if I am the first to own it.
A dog gargling for Kibbles 'n Bits
Pseudo-hip folks for playing Monopoly at McDonalds
Some chick talking to herself about birth control pills. I can't imagine how chicks who talk to themselves need birth control pills.
AOL annoying me again.
CBS couldn't sell all of the advertising time so they're trying to get me to watch Cold Case Files and CSI: Miami with that horrid horrid horrid David Caruso. Just typing his name creeps me out.

Still they struggle on the water. The Daters bicker, Tom and Jerry snivel, the Models pull up pearl baskets, the Moms get to the supply boat. At least they are pleased when things work out or when they accomplish something.

The Daters get to the next clue apparently first although how can one tell? They have to row their sampans back to their junks and take their junks nine miles to Soi Sim Island where they will find Phil and the next pit stop where one of the teams “may be eliminated.” I’m guessing will be eliminated, but I wouldn’t want to spoil it for you.

Of course I’d rather tell you that than tell you about more bickering.

Gimp and Perv start pulling up pearl baskets, but he fails to notice that he is in a boat and manages tilt it over enough to flood it. Tom and Jerry, apparently having found where they belong, run their boat into the Perv who throws a temper tantrum. Gaywin and Gayerwin, Perv/Gimp, and the Models finish getting the pearl baskets; one of the indistinguishable two tells the other that “You are just a muscle man today.”

And with this single sentence I am reminded why I watch this show. No amount of fiction reading, hanging with my friends, or social science research would ever convince me that people in real life would actually say things like this. And if I happened to overhear it I would bust out laughing in one of those fits that make your eyes burn and coffee fly out of your nose.

The Daters arrive at the pit stop first. They win a jet ski each, just the thing for folks who are always over the top anyway. Phil, who apparently is trying to channel Jeffy, slyly asks them if they are being nice to each other. I cannot bear to listen to the answer.

Back to the sampans, struggle ensues all around. The Moms are struggling to row against the wind. Many teams get to the next clue. Arriving at the junk Perv jumps right up into the boat. Gimp with more than a little panic in her voice says “Peter please don’t leave me here.” This shows prescience that I didn’t realize she had. This is followed by a confessional where she finds that she isn’t always comfortable with the Perv’s temperament or his treatment toward her. You go girl! Oh, and she thinks he is a pussy.

Tom and Jerry pull up pearl baskets near the Queens, Beauty. And I am unable to resist my continuing impulse to to show you a Tom and Jerry pic. And the Models discover that their junk is moving slowly because the anchor is still down ????

The Perv and Gimp hit the pit stop, Moms and Hillbillies get to the clue. And the Models then Gaywin and Gayerwin hit the pit stop. We are left to ponder the fate of the last few on the water. Tom and Jerry and the other Queens seem to be fighting for last place the Other Queens are slightly unpleasant, unheard of in the Beauty Queen racket. One is “slightly upset” with the other. Tom. Or is it Jerry. Is physically exhausted. We seem to be in for an extended session of “Who’s The Biggest Pussy?” I’m sure you’ll be surprised to learn that this isn’t my favorite game. I’d rather see them play Cut Off A Limb With A Machete but alas, that is not to be.

“I’m just so tired.” “Let me cry as I paddle.” “I’m so exhausted.” The Moms are bearing up, hoping they aren’t eliminated. The Queens, Beauty seem to have been paddling around looking for Phil instead of the junk they were on before. It wouldn’t be the first time that we have experienced and elimination for stupidity, but they aren’t as frequent as they should be.

The Moms make it to the pit stop. Meanwhile Tom or Jerry is in the water pulling the boat. This is incomprehensible. If he were walking it would be one thing, but he seems to be swimming pulling the boat. The Queens, Beauty have lost the clue and are sick of the “blame game.” Tom and Jerry and the Queens are all sobbing. “It’s so HARD!” and he isn’t talking about a penis. “It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done.” I can barely stand it. Why are you doing this to me, forcing me to endure this nonsense, this puerile sniveling?

I must get this over with. The Queens, Beauty arrive at the pit stop and live to blame and bicker another day. Tom and Jerry, lovingly pictured above, are the last to arrive. As with all male gay couples they now have a stronger, more touching relationship for having had this experience together.

Next time the remaining Queens get down with an alligator and SURPRISE Gimp isn’t having fun with Perv.

And as for me -- Race, I'm putting you on notice!

The Amazing Race Season TenEpisode Three: You Don't Have To Live Like An Amputee

2006-10-02T17:33:00.000-04:00

by Dweeze

Previously on The Amazing Race:

One of the former drug addicts turned male models admitted that his moment of clarity came when he was arrested for the third time for giving hand jobs for crack. A beauty queen lost her Mongol Helmet (cue Ilse laughing). Something needed a hand crank to get started. The cheerleaders were eliminated despite getting a hand with the hand cranking when they drove down the right road, decided they were going the wrong way, then turned around and drove back the other direction.

Hey! That actually was previously on The Amazing Race! SWEET!

Sun comes up, it’s Tuesday morning. (Sometimes the inside references are just for me. Sorry.)

We open in outer Mongolia. Better than opening in Baltimore, I guess. Anyway, it’s 6:54, and Peter and Sarah, the first to arrive, are the first to depart. They open the clue and find out they’re on their way to Vietnam to find the infamous Hanoi Hilton. They seem happy, and I am as well, thrilled at the prospect of jokes writing themselves. The teams are given no money and must find a travel agency to get their tickets. It would be tough to do with no new money, though I know everything I could possibly want in Vietnam is only five dolla.

And so Peter and Sarah are off, having served their purpose as our exposition source for the start of the episode. They’re followed shortly after by Tyler and James, who are thrilled to be traveling to the heart of the golden triangle. Next out are Duke and Lauren.

As they are driving, Duke sees a bunch of girls walking by the side of the road and asks Lauren if she can use her super sharp Lesbian sense to tell if the girls are gay. Okay, he didn’t phrase it that way. Instead he said

“You suppose they’re friends or…”

letting the sentence hang there. Yeah Duke. They’re lesbians. Outer Mongolia is famous for its walking daisy chains.

Duke tells us he avoided Vietnam because his draft number wasn’t called. Let’s see. Duke is 52 now. That means he was born in 1954 and turned 18, draft age, in 1972. The draft was abolished in 1973. So that leaves a year in which he would have been subject to the draft lottery. Okay, I’ll grant him this one. But just this one. What that means, though, is that today was the first time Duke had to open an envelope and find out he was going to Vietnam.

Next out, no pun intended, are Tom and Terry. Folks, let me set my summarizing hat aside for a second for some practical advice. I don’t care what your preference is – gay, lesbian, straight, transgendered, animals – don’t, and I can’t stress this strongly enough, don’t choose a partner whose name, when attached to your name, makes you sound like a cartoon cat and mouse. No Tom and Terry. No Jon and Cherie. No Bitchy and Catchy. Take that to heart and you’ll thank me later.

Tom says they have trouble making decisions together and implies that it’s due to the fact that they have only been together two years. Tom buddy, you can be with someone for, oh, say five years and still have trouble making decisions together. Time seems to have nothing to do with it – it’s who you and your partner are as people.

We cut to Peter and Sarah in their car, as Sarah Exposition reads more of the clue. Not only are they given no money to start the leg, they can’t beg or sell any possessions to raise money. They arrive at the Genghis Khaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan hotel, home of the travel agency, and find that the agency doesn’t open until 9:00 am. James and Tyler arrive shortly after.

Back at the Pit Stop, Dustin and Kandice are ready to roll. Kandice says she is learning to be better with directions, which is strange because her bio says she is a rocket scientist.

Sorry. I misread that. Her bio says she is a Rockette. Big difference.

Next to go are Rob and Kimberly, who start the leg the only way they know how. At each other’s throats. Considering how much time these two spend fighting all through each leg, the make-up sex each night must be tremendous.

We’re getting to the end of the departures. Mary and David are in seventh place. They open the clue and David starts thinking about his father. His dad served a tour of duty in Nam, and seldom spoke about it to David.

Now, I’m not usually one to open the door at the behind the scenes aspects of summary writing. But I had a great visual planned here as I watched the episode. When David started talking about his dad being in the military, the visual I got was of the country bumpkin character in the movie Stripes. I was going to find a picture of that character (played by John Diehl) and put it in the summary with the caption “David’s father during his military service.” But I couldn’t find one. So imagine that picture is here, imagine that caption, and imagine yourselves laughing at it. Not a laugh out loud, granted. More a small, satisfied chuckle.

They drive along, David reminiscing and Mary worried about the race. We cut to other teams arriving at the Khaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan, and then back to Erwin and Godwin leaving the Pit Stop. Godwin tells us he’s already won because he’s traveling the globe seeing beautiful sites with his brother. Yeah, and Billy has already won Survivor Social Experiment Island because he and the Candice who spells her name in a manner that doesn’t set spell check off found true love.

Cut back to the Khaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan, where the travel agency opens up. Four clerks, no waiting. The first three teams go in to the farthest clerks, leaving the clerk closest to the door free. Do Tom and Terry, the fourth team in line, go to this clerk? No. They move past her farther into the room. Dustin and Kandice, fifth in line, go to the free clerk, prompting what can only be described as a hissy fit from Tom and Terry. They accuse Dustin and Kandice of cutting in line, and get upset when Kandice accidentally calls Tom Terry. Or Terry Thomas. I get confused. Terry stage whispers “They are not going to win a beauty pageant of kindness.” Snap. You go girl!

Wait. Beauty pageant of kindness? What the fuck does that mean? Shouldn’t that just be a kindness pageant?

Mind you, cutting in line isn’t good, but cutting in line usually involves some sort of physical activity, like pushing someone else aside who was there. I have no doubt that Dustin and Kandice, who are both much butcher than Tom and Terry, could put them down like rabid dogs if they wanted. But they didn’t here. Tom and Terry walked right by one ticket agent, and Dustin and Kandice went to her instead. It’s not going to matter anyway – this thing has airport bunching written all over it. And the confusion thing? It’s not like you could tell Dustin and Kandice apart without DNA testing. So just chill out boys.

Last out from the Pit Stop are Lyn and Karlyn. Lyn tells us that the reace isn’t that glamorous, that it’s painful and full of hard work, just like childbirth. Now, I was there when Little E was born, and it didn’t involve traveling all around the world. Course, it was a Caesarian. Vaginal birth may be different.

Cut back to the Khaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan, where we find out that the fastest flight leaves at 1:00 pm and arrives in Vietnam at 9:00 pm. Everyone present gets booked on it, as do the teams that arrive later. All nine teams will start out on equal footing, except of course for Sarah. And with that we leave the Genghis Khaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan Hotel and that particular joke.

We take to the air and in no time arrive in Hanoi. Kandice and Dustin are first out, followed by Rob and Kimberly and Tyler and James. We see shots of people piling into cabs, Sarah being unable to keep up with Peter in the airport, Lyn and Karlyn trying to get a van for both them and David and Mary, and Duke and Lauren walking with a Hanoi resident they met on the plane who has agreed to help them. Inside their van, Lyn and Karlyn say they were being helpful, which is what Southerners do. Didn’t they drive right by someone having trouble last week, or was that my imagination? Oh well. Back at the airport, Duke and Lauren are still waiting for their newfound friend to come out of the airport. Eventually she comes out and gets in the cab with them.

Up ahead, there’s trouble on the road. A truck has turned over. For some reason, Dustin and Kandice get out of their cab to look around. As they do, other teams pass them. They finally get back in their cab and move on past the truck as do all the other teams.

Except for Duke and Lauren, who are still with their new friend. She needs to go to her brother’s place, and then her brother will guide them to their destination. Yes, this woman is taking revenge for every local who has ever been exploited by a TAR contestant. Right on! Power to the people! Stick it to the man!

Lauren, who apparently is not smart enough to see the upcoming need-to-wait-til-morning-for-it-to-open bunch, starts to panic about being eliminated. Duke is more worried about their lack of cash, especially when their Hanoi helper tells them the cab will be $10 to $20. Seems they only have $11, and after Duke makes a special purchase, they’ll only have $6.

Rob and Kim and Tyler and James are the first two teams to arrive, finding out that the prison does not open until 8:00 am. Everyone else eventually arrives, including Duke and Lauren. Duke offers the cab driver all his money, and the driver accepts. Maybe it would have been smart to keep something in reserve. Just saying, Duke.

In the morning, an attendant opens the door and hands everyone a piece of paper describing what the Hanoi Hilton was and their mission inside. Someone starts reading the message outloud, and as they do, we segue into Phil’s voiceover, reading the exact same words. A tricky little edit, and kind of cool if you think about it. The mission, we are told, is to find the flight suit worn by Senator John “I was against torture before I was for it” McCain when he was brought to the prison as a young captured pilot.

The teams start racing around the prison. Inside are exhibits of what went on, though according to online sources, the Vietnamese have whitewashed the history and do not tell of the gruesome tortures that were practiced there. So while we see a small cave-like cell where prisoners were kept (now an accepted practice under the Military Commissions Act of 2006), or another small cell where rows of prisoners were forced to sit upright for hours in cramped conditions (also now an accepted practice under the Military Commissions Act of 2006), we don’t see where the waterboarding (also now an accepted practice under the Military Commissions Act of 2006) or the Bastinado (also now an accepted practice under the Military Commissions Act of 2006) or the denailing (also now an accepted practice under the Military Commissions Act of 2006) or the sleep deprivation (also now an accepted practice under the Military Commissions Act of 2006) or the various forms of psychological torture such as forced labor (also now an accepted practice under the Military Commissions Act of 2006), mock executions (also now an accepted practice under the Military Commissions Act of 2006), or being forced to witness atrocities (also now an accepted practice under the Military Commissions Act of 2006) took place. And yes, I’m pissed as all fucking hell that my country has come to this, and if you aren’t, you’re not paying attention.

Everyone eventually finds the room with the flight suit, more or less all at the same time. Some teams are respectful towards McCain and his sacrifice, which is much more than the hypocritical mother fucker deserves. Some teams, such as Dustin and Kandice and David and Mary, thank the man passing out clues. And then there’s Peter, who not once, not twice, but three times tries to reach in and grab the clue being handed to a team in front of him in line. You stay classy, Peter.

The clue instructs the team to go to the Old Quarter, the Vietnamese version of Old Navy, and find a flower shop. There they will receive their next clue. Everyone rushes to a cab, except the cash-deprived Duke and Lauren, who are forced to walk the several kilometers to the Old Quarter.

Tom and Terry get there first, and are the first to discover a roadblock. A roadblock, as we all know, is a task only one person can perform. In this task, that person has to sell 80,000 dong worth of flowers, or, using today’s currency exchange rate, $5 worth of flowers, from a bicycle.

Oh my. Eighty thousand dong equals five dolla. My head’s going to explode. And folks, can we have more countries give their currency names that make grown men giggle like ten year olds? Thanks.

The upside of earning that much dong is that you get to keep it. The downside, of course, is that after all is said and done, you only have $5.

Tom chooses to sell the flowers, and promptly goes out and begins to scream at passerby to purchase flowers. Yeah, that’s going to work.

Erwin and Godwin are next to arrive, Erwin doing the task. He has difficulty riding the bike and difficulty selling as well. Peter and Sarah are next, and Peter starts selling flowers like mad. I think something about his features and demeanor struck a chord with the ladies milling around the flower shop. He finishes first, despite all the other teams arriving (well, all the others but Duke and Lauren) and beginning the task. Sarah tells us in confessional that she’ll have to do the next roadblock and that she’ll jump into it “with both feet, no pun intended.” For the first time I notice the yellow safety glasses she wears. As he finishes, they get the clue, instructing them to take a public bus to the village of Vac, where they will find their next clue at the local Buddhist temple.

Duke and Lauren finally arrive, and Duke takes the task because he is a salesman. Once more to the bio, where we find out that he is the owner and operator of a successful company called My Little Town, which makes New England icons in miniature porcelain. Hmm. I would have thought he was regional sales manager for Grecian Formula, dude’s hair is so dark. Regardless, he makes porcelain miniatures of famous landmarks and HE questions his daughter’s sexual preferences?

Teams start to finish the task. Erwin completes it, as does Tom. Both teams head out to find a bus. Sarah and Peter have already found a bus, and as they board Sarah hopes that no one else will board their bus and that the bus is the right one. On well. One out of two ain’t bad.

Erwin and Godwin are the first to find a bus to Vac, and they get on as the bus takes off. Tom and Terry are next, getting on a bus all by themselves. Meanwhile, Sarah and Peter have discovered they are on the wrong bus. The driver lets them off, but they seem to have lost valuable time.

By now, everyone but Duke and Lauren have finished selling. Five teams set off wandering the streets of the Old Quarter in search of the bus station. This is, of course, the title of a lost Pirandello script. Duke and Lauren finishes, and find a much more direct route to the station, such that as we reach the sidewalk across the street from the station, all remaining six teams are together. The street is busy, and cars won’t stop, and Kimberly almost gets run over by a motorbike, but, as always, almost doesn’t count. Eventually everyone gets across the street (which Tyler refers to as a live action game of Frogger) and on the next bus to Vac. As a result, we have eight teams going to Vac and one team, Peter and Sarah, standing around trying to find a bus to Vac. And with that Dweeze bows his head and prays.

“Dear God, I know the Foley emails and IMs were a great gift, as was the Cards backing into the playoffs and tomorrow night’s Packer win, but please, if you could, let Peter and Sarah be eliminated tonight. Thanks.”

As we travel, David looks out at the Vietnamese countryside and gets wistful thinking of his father. We cut to Erwin and Godwin arriving in Vac. They are offered a ride on a motorcycle, but turn it down. Phil explains in voiceover that the clue told them that for safety reasons, they could not ride on a motorcycle in Vietnam. They aren’t allowed to get bogged down in a land war in Vietnam either, but that rule doesn’t come into play. They walk to the temple, finding it easily. They also find the clue box, which is surrounded by people holding one of those giant paper dragons. Finally, they find a detour. Everyone sing!

A detour is a choice between two tasks
Between two tasks
Between two tasks
A detour is a choice between two tasks
Each with its own pros and cons.

The choices here are Fuel or Fowl. In Fuel, teams must use wet, muddy Vietnamese coal to make 30 bricks. In Fowl, teams must use traditional tools, materials, and methods to make a Vietnamese birdcage. Erwin and Godwin choose Fuel and find someone to help take them there.

Cut back to Tom and Terry getting off the bus. They too are offered rides on motorcycles, and they too turn them… Wait. They accept. Can you say upcoming penalty time? Sure you can. Tom and Terry find the cluebox and choose forming coal bricks over making a birdcage, and I’m just going to let you make your own damn La Cage Aux Folles joke. Go ahead. I’ll wait.

Erwin and Godwin get instructions on how to make coal bricks and begin the task. Tom and Terry arrive shortly after and do the same. Erwin and Godwin finish, but are told their bricks are too small. That has to hurt. Of course, it’s never happened to me. Tom and Terry are doing something wrong with their brickmaking, much to the amusement of the gathered crowd.

Meanwhile, the third bus has arrived, disgorging six teams. All six find the clue and choose Fuel. The teams set out in vastly different directions, none of them smart enough to ask for assistance in getting there. Mary and David pause, however, and Mary remarks that the dancing dragon is just like something you would see on TV. This pause will prove to be crucial for them. Back at the task, Erwin and Godwin finish, getting a clue with instructions on finding the Pit Stop. It’s located in a rice paddy called Canh Dong Dia, and my chuckles at typing the word dong again are replaced by wonderment at the fact that rice paddies have names.

Meanwhile, Sarah and Peter have found the right bus and are arriving in Vac. Someone fell asleep at captioning, because the caption lists them as being in first when they are actually last. I’m certain this was inadvertent, cause if you were going to intentionally miscaption, you would say “Sarah and Peter, Gimp and Jerk”. At least I would.

Rob and Kimberly, Tyler and James, Dustin and Kandice, Karlyn and Lyn, and Duke and Lauren are all searching high and low through Vac for the task. Duke and Lauren get separated, see the birdcage task, and decide to do it. Mary and David, who got separated back at the cluebox, find the task and dig in. David complains that it’s not real coal like we have back home. In confessional he tells us he has been distracted all day, thinking of his father and how the Vietnamese feel about having a group of Americans swarm their town and not about the race, and he’s so damn sweet about it I’m glad I couldn’t find the Stripes picture.

Cut to Erwin and Godwin arriving at the Pit Stop, finding out that they each win a home entertainment system for taking first place.

Back at Fuel, everyone is working as hard as they can. Dustin and Kandice are actually working quite well. Peter and Sarah finally arrive, beginning to make bricks. Tom and Terry finish and head to the Pit Stop, where they are told they must take a thirty minute penalty for riding the motorcycles. But Phil! They just wanted something large, hard, and throbbing between their legs! Is that such a crime? Apparently so, because they are forced to step off the mat and wait and watch.

Cuts back to the tasks, as Duke and Lauren make a birdcage and everyone else makes bricks. Tyler and James finish, heading off to the Pit Stop. Next are Kandice and Dustin. David and Mary finish, but David leaves his fanny pack behind. They stop as he goes back to get it. As he does, Rob and Kimberly and Peter and Sarah finish and head out, passing David and Mary. As David retrieves the fanny pack, Lyn and Karlyn finish.

Back at the Pit Stop, Tyler and James check in. Rob and Kimberly have caught up to Dustin and Kandice and check in third. Dustin and Kandice take fourth. We are then treated to a very disturbing image. The path to the Pit Stop is narrow, with rice paddy on either side. We see the path in side view. Peter is running about ten paces ahead of Sarah, who is bent over, literally dragging her bad leg. Mother fucking son of a bitch couldn’t even be bothered to help her. Again, stay classy Peter. Stay classy. After they check in, Phil turns to Tom and Terry and says “This really must suck, huh guys?” Nice Phil. Ten seasons of treating all these folks politely starting to boil up within you?

We see Duke and Lauren finish the birdcage and start off. Cut to Lyn and Karlyn catching up to David and Mary as they make their way to the Pit Stop. Lyn and Karlyn offer to stay and walk with them, but David and Mary tell them to go on ahead and finish. They check in at sixth and seventh place respectively.

Lyn and Karlyn tell Phil they are upset that they had to pass Mary and David, but Mary tells them not to worry about it. Mary stands and waits for Tom and Terry to check in, telling them that someone has to walk with her to the resting area. In confessional Mary tells us that Lyn and Karlyn, Erwin and Godwin, and Tom and Terry form the back of the pack pack with them. She says all four of them hang out together during Pit Stops and try to help each other. Yes, the black females, the poor white folks, the Asians, and the gay guys hang out together. Throw in Sarah and you have a Democratic Party ad. The handicapped girl should be there, but Peter has more than enough Aryan in him for the two of them.

We see Duke and Lauren running for the Pit Stop, and we see Phil do his patented look to see if another team is coming, but you never get the feeling there is any danger for Tom and Terry. Phil finally motions them in, and they are long gone when Duke and Lauren arrive.

Duke and Lauren finally arrive, and though she is crying, he’s calm. He tells us in confessional that the race is something every parent should go through with their child. While they seemed like decent people, and are certainly more likable than several of the teams remaining, they made too many mistakes in this leg, and eventually paid the price. Or should I say Duke made too many mistakes. Which leads us to only one sad, perhaps inevitable, conclusion.

Duke sucks.

The Amazing Race, Season 10, Episode 2: Huh-Huh-Huh…I’ll Bet She’ll Make a Game Outta Your…Uh, Never Mind

2006-09-25T23:09:00.000-04:00

By Landru

Aren’t you surprised? It’s me again. It was supposed to be somebody else, but what happened was, she gave birth. I mean, like eight years ago. And as a result, she had a pretty crappy evening, and I agreed to take over so as to make this here episode disappear. Actually, we both had a pretty crappy evening, but she’s taken a few more bullets than I have today, so duty, honor, and country demand, quite reasonably, that I be the one to step up and do the things that must be done. After all, before all of these crappy events occasioned by her giving birth (eight years ago) happened today, she had gone to work, and picked up and dropped off the birth-results (my vehicle has mysteriously disappeared into the Black Hole of Automotive Service, for like four freakin’ days), and dealt out most of the adverse consequences of her giving birth (eight years ago) that did not accrue to us, and sat in traffic. A lot. All I did was sit at home and supervise the maids and play NCAA Football 2007 and yell at the Black Hole of Automotive Service and pick up the pizza for dinner (in her car) and take a few phone calls from the school that is responsible for the daily management of the thing to which She gave birth (eight years ago), that thing being, according to wildly divergent accounts, a charming and intelligent little eight-year-old boy person with some unfortunate problems, or Damien, or Ted Bundy, or Mike Steele, or something in between that may actually not deserve to be chained up and dropped in Loch Ness, but the jury’s still way the hell out on that one and will likely stay there until somewhere around 2015, but we’ll try to give you fair warning on the verdict, when a meaningful trend can be discerned.

Anyway, poof! It’s gone. The episode, I mean, not my Jeep.

Okay, it’s not gone yet, but it will be, really soon. I mean, you’re not getting the full ten thousand word treatment here, mmkay? There’s gonna be a lot of brakage. Especially in the parts where nothing funny is happening, or when my vocabulary is so choked up with anger that I can only be bitterly angry, instead of just bitterly angry in a sort of marginally entertaining way.

Most of the latter, by the way, will involve Kar/Lyn. Actually, so will a lot of the former, come to think on it.

Okay, so let’s see…previously on The Amazing Race, I wrote a few thousand words of sarcasm and gave all of the teams insulting names and reminded you that the show is hosted by a not-at-all-winsome and extremely-well-padded transvestite named Dixie Melons. Some other stuff happened in the show that the producers thought important, to wit, the token Amputees preboarding an aircraft and pissing off various teams, most especially the token Welfare Mothers, who appear to be easily pissed off, and went to Beijing, and some freakishly annoying religious fanatics got eliminated unexpectedly, and the token Amputees struggled up the Great Wall, and teams arrived at the pit stop in some mostly irrelevant order and varying states of disarray, and Apu and Manjula got there last and were, therefore, shat out into the world by Dixie Melons and the TAR production crew.

Credits roll, and we’re off to:

Commercials:

Another enervating AOL commercial, for AOL; a chick on a couch writing about menstruation on her laptop, for some drug that evens out things that bleed for five days and don’t die; skinny models, for a laxative, and it’s really nice to see that TAR got all the cool Survivor reject sponsors; billboard painters and the apparently otherwise unemployable Jon Lovitz, for Subway; and CBS, for a load of shitty CBS television programs.

So we start at the Great Wall of China, which I was, sadly, unable to visit during my trip to China. This may seem to you to be unconscionably stupid. And I suppose that it is. However, it’s a day trip to the Great Wall from Beijing, and I was in China being employed, and those employing me had many needs that I was expected to fulfill, so I was pretty much lucky to get a plate of kung pao at a tiny little homestyle place across the street from the place where the wankers all ate fish eyes last week, let alone get away from my duties as a holder of hands and an offerer of wet-nursing and a shill for whoever it was I was working for, let alone slip out for the eight consecutive hours required to go visit the Wall, since I was also in a hurry to get the fuck out of China, which is a shithole (albeit a far more interesting shithole than, for instance, Seattle), and back to my beloved wife-person, who had, for that weekend only, temporarily stowed the things to which she gave birth in some place that did not involve us for 48 glorious hours.

Dixie Melons gives us some narrative that is intended to create some form of suspense. It doesn’t. Instead, I’ll just tell you that the teams are headed for Mongorea, where they will encounter Mongoreans, who have torn down Shitty Wall, which was, as you know, built by the guy who owns and operates Shitty Wok.

They must go to Mongorea by bus and train, ending up in the capital of Mongorea, Genghisville (actually, it’s Ulan Bataar, but who the fuck cares?), and there doing whatever it is that Dixie Melons and that crazy production team have dreamed up for them.

Mongorea is interesting. For a given value of interesting equalling “not interesting.” It is a desert, and it is such a gigantic mongomofo desert that it dries out Beijing, hundreds of miles away, and covers it in dust and sand, regularly. This will be an interesting discovery made by thousands of people descending upon Beijing for the 2008 Olympics, or possibly for the 2007 China Bowl, which the NFL just announced yesterday as a panacea for the unfortunate problem of 1 billion people on this planet not giving a flying fuck about the NFL. While thousands of unwilling Chinese laborers are planting millions of fucking trees to act as sand and dust breaks against the relentless natural action of this gigantimongomofo desertification, I am here to tell you that this doesn’t work, because the shithole part of Beijing that distinguishes it most from a run-of-the-mill dank and yeasty shithole like Seattle is that it’s really dry, and dusty, and polluted.

My, how I do tangentialize. So we’re on the way to Mongorea, whereat we will observe some religious ceremony and claim cluefulness.

The Gaywad Drug Addict Models, not to be confused with proto-Asians Gaywin and Gayerwin, leave first, after confessing about how happy they are that they’re no longer practicing junkies. Bad Daddy and L-Girl are next, with Bad Daddy once again affirming that he is an absolutely fuck-awful person who should be beaten senseless by dildoes wielded by remorseless, humorless lesbians who hate men (as opposed to remorseful, funny lesbians who want to do a threesome with me and Ilse; Lucy Liu comes to mind as an appropriate candidate). The Token Amputees are next, with Gimpgirl whining incessantly about her fucked-up bionic leg. The Beauty Queens are next, and we get a gratuitous glimpse of thongs under their sweatpants as they climb over a fence. The Daters confess about how they’re going to kill each other in their sleep, because he’s psychotic and she’s not only more psychotic, she’s a super kingkong mayamaya beeeeeitch. This group is the first bus to Mongorea.

The second bus to Mongorea, two hours later, is peopled by the GameCock Cheerleaders, who do, in fact, appear to be game for…uh, never mind. Gaywin and Gayerwin are next, followed by the Flamers, who need to be bitchslapped, and the Angry Welfare Mothers, and the Hillbillies, who have gotten neither smarter, nor more articulate, nor more palatable since we last ran into them, one short week ago.

We were so innocent then, weren’t we? So many bad, bad things had yet to happen.

There is much camaraderie. The Hillbillies tell us that they ain’t never been around queers and nigras and slopes and lesbians and all manner of other weird and offensive and godless types. I’m not shitting you.

But it’s all okay, because most of those people have never been around dirt-stupid hillbillies whose teeth are still crooked even after they’ve been pulled out to save money on dental work and replaced with randomly arranged pieces of old bones jammed together into something that will masticate roadkill.

But it’s okay. Mrs. Hillbilly likes them queer fellas, and Mr. Hillbilly doesn’t seem to be beating her for it. At least not on camera.

Bus ride. 99 bottles of beer on the wall. Back at the bus station, people are dancing and having fun, activities wholly inappropriate to the gravity of the task at hand. The bus ride yields to a train station. No notice is made of the fact that we are, once again, crossing the Chinese frontier, a thing which, I am here to tell you, is not a thing that is small. Oh no. That bottle of Aquafina in your flight bag feels like a brick of fucking heroin when you’re being stared down by a motherfucking Chinese Border Guard. And that $60K in hard currency that you’re carrying strapped around your waist so you can pay off anyone who needs to be paid off during the course of a 350-person, three-quarters-of-a-million-dollar conference in a dirt-poor totalitarian Commie country? Let’s just say I was a lot more comfortable shooting up that day-care center, back in the day (to be fair to dirt-poor totalitarian Commies, it was no picnic conveying the not-inconsiderable remains of that gigantimongous wad of cash back into our own very fine country). No, it is no small matter to cross the Chinese border in any fucking direction, even in the direction of Mongorea, which is close personal friends with them there dirt-poor totalitarian Commies. I am left wondering how much it cost TAR to make it happen without hitchery.

Conspiracy occurs in the train station. The Gaywad Drug Addict Models foil a plot by the BQ’s to keep a secret. They are abundantly proud of themselves for outsmarting platinum blondes. The blondes are too stupid to be proud of anything but their hair.

The scene in front of the train station is far more disturbing. The Amputee and her own personal Fetishist are being stared at by the assembled provincial Chinese persons. She begins to dance and show off. The Fetishist attempts to collect money from those watching. What a fucking reprehensible, steaming pile of cabbage-induced shit. This asshole needs to be struck by lightning, except slowly, agonizingly, the world’s longest and most self-aware lightning strike evar, and even that’s too good for this smug, debilitatingly insensitive vulture.

The second bus ride gets to the station before the train departs, enabling yet more bunching. And oh, shit—it turns out we’re not in Mongorea yet, we’re in Erenhot, which is out in some portion of the fuck-all nowhere of China. So that whole frontier-crossing diatribe? Just move it up here, mmkay?

During the train ride, we’re subjected to yet more self-reflection from the Gaywad Drug Addict Models, who really should be holding hands with the Amputee Fetishist when he’s struck by that long, drawn-out bolt of lightning.

So everyone hops into taxicabs. The Super King-Kong Mayamaya Beeeeitch gets splashed by some street water because she’s riding with the window open. “Can I get diseases from that?” she whines. No, you lachrymose uberhostile twat, you’re far more likely to get diseases from the swine you allow to penetrate your needy and not-at-all desirable body. Now die slowly, you most severely gruesomely fuckugly of Ugly Americans. And scream while you’re doing it, except quietly so I’m not distracted by it.

Frenzy, much frenzy, people jockeying for places faster than we can about tracking. There are varying levels of depression and paranoia and confidence and gloating and other forms of distracting noise that do not involve annoying persons dying slowly.

A short person in a mask greets the first teams to arrive, and there is some dancing and clanging and suchlike, followed by some clue-giving. The clue instructs the not-at-all-loveable losers to steal a surplus Russian military jeep (the official motorized conveyance of Mongorea, which was, before it became one in socialist brotherhood with the dirt-poor totalitarian Commie Chinese, a satellite of the Soviet Union existing only to reduce the footage of border that the Soviets would have to guard against Chinese incursions in the Border War that the two Commie fucktard giants waged for about 40 fucking years), drive to some village, ride horses to a meadow, and get a clue that will presumably lead to a prostitutional and conniving Detour, or a ronery Roadblock.

The jeeps are, as you’d expect of a Commie-era motor vehicle, useless and obstinate pieces of shite. The spacing of the religious rituals guarantees some artificial spreading of the teams, and this after we went to so much trouble to bunch them up in a train station. There are various acts of intra-team aggression perpetrated by various shitheels. I will not waste your time or mine by describing them in any detail.

The trip to the village is really irksome. The Gaywad Drug Addict Models are the first to break down; they get a flat tire. Various teams pass them by. The GameCock girls’ Jeep stalls. No one passes them by, because they’re way behind and lost anyway. There are various expressions of self-pity before we head off to:

Commercials, brought to you by the awesome Excedrin/CVS/CBS Axis of Evil:

an evil axis, for Excedrin, CVS, and CBS; Jason Whatshisnugget and the other guy, in yet another in their series of stupid, insipid, not-at-all funny, untruth-laden Mac commercials; a kid swimming in Froot Loops, for a Froot Loops ripoff undertaken by Cheerios; various fat firefighters, policemen, and construction workers, for Quiznos; a trailer, for a DVD about a cartoon monkey, which I will not name because I quite seriously fear that to type or speak the name of this cartoon monkey in this household will set up a hue and cry of demand for this fucking DVD, which I will not abide, mostly because I am, according to some denizens of this structure, an extremely Mean and Cranky Old Man; an Audrey Hepburn impersonator for the Gap, and while I am reminded that I will not shop at the Gap, I am reminded that it’s a damn shame that I wasn’t around to try to nail Audrey Hepburn back when she was so eminently nailable; and CBS, for some number of television programs that are not, in any respect, amusing.

And we’re back, where the Drug Addicts receive assistance for their flatness problem, and the Game Cock Girls are hampered by their lack of flatness.

So down at the horsey place, the teams must strap on Official Mongol Horseman helmets. One of the BQs demands to be paid tribute in Mongorean barbecue. She thinks this is funny. It isn’t.

The Hillbillies get stuck in the mud. We do love a joke that writes itself.

So there’s some attempted comedy associated with riding. And a lot of bitching, mostly by the Super Kingkong Mayamaya Beeeeeitch, who takes a tumble. And whimpers. A lot. I enjoy her pain.

I also enjoy the pain of one of the BQs when she tumbles from her horse and is dragged by one foot. It’s a dangerous place, Mongorea.

Over at the Place of Cluefulness, Dixie Melons cheerfully tells us that we are facing a Detour, involving a choice between two traditional Mongorean tasks. The choices are Fuck a Sheep, or Nurse a Goat. Some teams’ choice will be driven by their possession (or lack thereof) of the proper equipment for the task. In Fuck a Sheep, a male racer must insert his penis into a sheep (of any gender), and deliver a convincing rogering. In Nurse a Goat, a female racer must breastfeed a goat until it stops bleating.

It is my sincere hope that the foregoing paragraph is the worst grouping of words, bar none, that you have ever been forced to read in all your years of digesting my reality television summaries.

So the actual task involves packing up a tent and getting a camel to pick it up, or loading water jugs onto an ox-driven cart and using them to fill a water barrel.

Seriously, my way was a lot more interesting, right?

Brak brak brak whining, bitching, whimpering, bickering, as the teams undertake their sheep-fucking and goat-nursing. The Hillbillies get a new Jeep to replace the one they sunk in quicksand. Several teams are bitching uncontrollably about the horse-riding, before they even get to the sheep-fucking and goat-nursing.

Amputee and Pervert change tasks. He barks at her when she protests. He is a complete fuckhead.

Those hauling water are having trouble because the jugs are unstable (the water jugs, you fucking freaks), and so are the oxen. Various oxen stampede, including the ox under the nominal control of the Amputee and the Pervert. The Amputee is in tears—it is rapidly becoming apparent that this is her usual modus—and he becomes a pedantic, smug, overbearing piece of shit. Sadly, she does not destroy him in his boots. I feel the tiniest itty bitty twinge of sympathy for her, even though she is completely fucking dreadful. Their ox stampedes again, before it is time for:

Commercials, brought to you by Sprint:

Peyton Manning in a wig and moustache, for Sprint; Peyton Manning in a giant rubber bladder, for Gatorade; Peyton Manning and his father and brother, for eggs checking to pancakes; Peyton Manning in an apron, for some credit card; Peyton Manning in a dress and lipstick, for the United Transvestite College Fund; Peyton Manning in a tutu, for the Hold Me Closer Tiny Dancer School for Prima Donna Ballerinas; Peyton Manning skydiving, for some trampoline company; Peyton Manning trapped in a fishing net, for Uncruel brand Dolphin-safe tuna; Peyton Manning in strappy mules, for DSW; Peyton Manning giving his brother a wedgie, for the NFL on CBS; Peyton Manning in a gay adult bookstore, for some AIDS prevention campaign; Peyton Manning hugging Mike Steele, who claims that the Washington Post threw Oreos at him while falsely accusing him of raping Peyton Manning’s kittens; Peyton Manning in a wig and moustache, again, for Sprint, again; and Peyton Manning, for My Local News.

And we’re back, with oxen running wild. The Amputee and the Pervert return to camel-loading. Kar/Lyn beg Jesus for assistance in loading their camel. He makes them do it anyway. The Daters bicker. I’m guessing that in this case, she’s the one who’s gonna hit him.

The BQ’s finish pouring water, but one of them has lost her Mongol helmet and has to go find it.

Ilse thinks “Mongol helmet” is really funny. Sometimes I just don’t understand her. But then I slap her ass a few times and everything becomes more clear.

Bad Daddy and L-Girl finish watering and get clued up; they are to drive to yet another village, where the Hotel Mongorea awaits.

Here’s the difference between me and everyone else who writes summaries: in anyone else’s summary, except maybe TechNoir’s, you’d have had to deal with a joke involving the Eagles right there. Not here. No way. Don Henley must die, I tell you.

Kar/Lyn abandon Jesus and their camel, heading off to haul water. The BQs keep looking for a helmet, not hitting on the simple idea of stealing someone else’s. Stupid twats. The Daters continue to bicker; Super Kingkong Mayamaya Beeeeitch is in deep tears.

Nothing worth mentioning occurs for the next four or five minutes of footage. This is good, because it’s getting late and I’m tired of this summary. The next noteworthy thing that occurs is that the BQs find their Mongol Helmet. Ilse is laughing. Excuse me, I’m going to slap her ass and see if I find clarity.

Bitching, moaning, whining, complaining, felching. Bad Daddy and L-Girl get passed by the Amputee and the Pervert, and then by the Gaywad Drug Addict Models. The simple expedient of driving faster does not seem to occur to Bad Daddy.

Three teams are plagued by breakdowns; Gaywin and Gayerwin stop by the side of the road, while the Game Cock Girls and the Welfare Mothers can’t even get their surplus Soviet pieces of shit to start. Gaywin and Gayerwin are the first to get rolling again while, back at the meadow, the Game Cock Girls are the first to get help. A local Mongorean handcranks their surplus Soviet piece of shit back to life. The Welfare Mothers are surprised to find that two cute, perky Southron girls who asked nicely got help before two crabby, self-important, trash-talking nasty Bamas. Karma, she’s a bitch, but before Karma plays out her hand, we’re off to:

Commercials, brought to you by Sprint, and you know what that means:

Peyton Manning in a wig and moustache, again, for Sprint, again; Peyton Manning with a big head on a little body, accompanied by Derek Jeter’s big head and some other big damn heads on little bodies, for the Hydroencephaly Society; Peyton Manning at the bottom of the ocean, for a Talking Heads album; Peyton Manning in a car, for NASCAR on Fox; Peyton Manning as a cartoon, for the Curious George movie…aw, shit; Peyton Manning in a casket, for CBS police shows; Peyton Manning dry-humping Jeff Probst, for Survivor; and Peyton Manning in a chalk outline, for My Local News.

And we’re back.

So over at cluefulness, the Amputee and Pervert find that the Ronery Roadbrock involves shooting a flaming Mongorean arrow at a target. When the target’s burning, the racers can run like hell for the Pit Stop.

The Pervert finishes first, as the Gaywad Drug Addict Models look on in disgust. The Amputee and Pervert dash to the Pit Stop, where Dixie Melons awards them a trip to Mexico and a threesome with the Travelocity Gnome. They rant about how cool they are. The Amputee confesses that she’s done with the Perv after this show is over, and she’ll be back in the Hustler personals. For, y'know, anyone who's interested.

So, people shoot flaming arrows, and the Gaywad Drug Addict Models come in second, followed by Bad Daddy and L-Girl, after L-Girl manages, after about forty or fifty tries, to launch an arrow into the target. The Flamers are shooting at the same time, but whichever Flamer is doing the Roadblock is doing a very creditable job of shooting an arrow like a girl, if such a thing is possible. However, the blind squirrel finds an acorn and they manage to finish.

The Daters bicker over the arrow-shooting; Mister Hillbilly is almost as lame as the Flamer; and a blonde whisks the BQs into next place. Other arrow-shooting occurs; Super Kingkong Mayamaya Beeeeeitch sinks one, and the Daters finish nextish. The Hillbillies get in next, as the non-limping Mrs. Hillbilly whines about how badly she’s fucked up her ankle.

Suspenseful drama is being set up on the back end, as the producers are unwilling to tell us who, between the Game Cock Girls and the Welfare Mothers, is more lost. Gaywin and Gayerwin finish next, and the Welfare Mothers get to the shooting range while the Game Cock Girls once again ask directions and establish that they are hopelessly, fuckall, no-shit, Truly Effing Lost. The Welfare Mothers come in ninth.

Finally, as the sun sets, the Game Cock Girls fire flaming arrows at the targets, setting a whole field on fire. Eventually, they give up and trudge off to the Pit Stop, where Dixie Melons titslaps them into tearful irrelevance. They babble. In the morning, when their confessional is filmed, their tears have passed and they are once again hopelessly perky in their pursuit of Game Cock. And so we beat off, sails unfurled uselessly against the prevailing wind, which carries a distinct whiff of Tony Chang’s Mongorean Barbecue and Third-Floor Whorehouse, on H Street between Seventh and Eighth, in My Local Nation’s Capital.

Commercials:

Peyton Manning fucking a gnome, for Travelocity; Peyton Manning overdosing on Oxy, for Excedrin, CVS, and CBS; Peyton Manning in lip gloss, for Victoria’s Secret; Peyton Manning as Robin Williams running for President; Peyton Manning in Massachusetts, fucking a goat and nursing a sheep (he just can’t get anything right there); and Peyton Manning promising me sunny skies on an overcast day tomorrow, for My Local News.

Next week on TAR: Bad Daddy pimps out L-Girl at a Mongorean bus stop, and the Flamers have a hissy slap-fight with the BQs about who has the deepest throat.

Thanks tons for reading, and for bearing with this late substitution.

The Amazing Race, Season 10, Episode 1: Amputee Corner

2006-09-18T22:52:00.000-04:00

by Landru

So here’s the thing: reality has lost its hold on me. No, no, not reality television. Reality itself. There used to be this world where I had a quiet life in a small cave in the deep suburbs, a life untrammeled by human contact, except maybe when Ilse would drop by to use me for her pleasure, or some unsuspecting college student selling magazine subscriptions would drop by to help restock my freezer. Since the last television season, that reality has completely evaporated, replaced by some hallucination in which I live in a large house in the not-quite-as-deep suburbs that is populated by not only Ilse, but some…I don’t know…small creatures? That she apparently created? And a cat. A really smelly, obnoxious, stupid cat.

Since this can only be a hallucination, I have determined that nothing that my apparently fevered brain is ascribing to what it thinks is my television set can possibly be real. For instance, my apparently fevered brain invented some fantastickal story about Survivor openly centering itself on race and ethnicity, pitting various ethnic slurs against each other for ratings. I figure I must be a pretty sick fuck, eh?

So I’m just going to write about this here hallucination that I think is The Amazing Race. Because I’m just egocentric enough to believe that you give a flying fuck about my hallucinations.

In this hallucination, Phil Keoghan is in Seattle, opening up a season of the show. I can tell it’s Phil because…well, you know how I can tell it’s Phil. Because this is a hallucination, Phil’s incredibly huge hooters have swollen to somewhere in the range of 44FFF, straining through the bra he’s wearing under the same fucking wardrobe he’s been wearing for 10 seasons now. His porn star name is Dixie Melons.

Brak brak brak race, brak brak brak teams of blacks, whites, Hispanics, Asians, brak brak brak sole survivor.

No, no, that’s not it. Sorry. Damn fever.

Brak brak brak race, brak brak brak million dollars.

And seaplanes. The teams are coming in on seaplanes, and now we’re going to meet them. The teams, not the seaplanes. Well, we’re meeting the seaplanes, too, but they’re not going to hang around this bad dream for quite nearly as long as the teams. Let’s meet my nightmare, shall we?

Peter and Sarah are easily the most frightening TAR team since Dolf and Thirdreichen. They are both scary blonde. Peter is an amputee fetishist. Sarah is an amputee. She alleges that she was born with one leg shorter than the other, but this makes very little sense, because her left leg is bionic. Peter and Sarah are triathletes, and they clearly believe that their triathleticism will propel them to victory. She loves him because he can fix her prosthetic leg. He loves her because he’s a sick freakazoid and hasn’t been this happy since he found a stash of old Hustler magazines with the “Amputee Corner” feature.

This has to be a hallucination, right? I mean, CBS couldn’t possibly be making this shit up. It’s gotta be another fucking malaria relapse. Right? Right?

Bilal and Sa’eed were born Desmond and Lamont, but subsequently converted to Islam, and are best friends and Cleveland Browns fans. They vow that their religion will take priority over the race, and that they will not hesitate to take five minutes to pray. For my part, I will not go all Michelle Malkin on these guys, and will instead focus on their much more obvious weakness. They’re fucking Browns fans? No one dumb enough to be a Browns fan could ever win this game. Actually, I’ll do a reverse and get Michelle to go all Michelle Malkin on me: there’s no way in hell these guys could possibly be more annoying in their religiosity than the Weavers. Especially since we’re not going to have to deal with them for very long.

I hear they no longer use quinine-based treatments for malaria, rendering ineffective my gin-and-tonic curative. This is clearly a plot by Big Pharma.

Rob and Kimberly are yet another pair of morons using the game as a vehicle for determining whether they should get married. He’s an arrogant piece of shite; she’s a bitch who claims to want him to lead, but she plans to top him from the bottom. She is strikingly identical to every other supposedly beautiful brunette who’s ever been on a reality show, except phonier-looking. It is painfully obvious that neither of them should, under any circumstances, be allowed to reproduce, ever. It is possible that it will be pleasurable to watch them explode on national television.

Maybe it’s not a malarial relapse; maybe I’m just a little sleep-deprived. This is starting to look more normal, hmm?

Dustin and Kandice have in common their excruciating blondeness, their hobby of blowing beauty pageant judges (one of them was Miss New York, the other Miss California), and parents who can’t spell. They used to be bitter, hair-pulling, tit-slapping rivals. Now they’re lovers. Can’t two kids get a break in this crazy, crazy world?

David and Mary are fat, pasty, white middle Americans who met when Mary dunked David’s left hand in the fryer at the McDonald’s where they both worked. He is a former soldier and a coal miner. She is just pasty, and is on the Race in the hope that David won’t beat her quite as much. They are Kentucky fans, and must therefore die. They are also hillbillies, of which America needs some to sustain its insatiable appetite for Springer guests.

Erwin and Godwin are gay Asian brothers, the sons of inexcusably whimsical parents, and highly competitive overachievers who may not be able to stop tormenting each other long enough to use their overwhelming intellectual superiority to crush their opposition. Or not, as we shall see.

Duke and Lauren are daddy and daughter, with every little bit of the associated psychosis you’d expect, and then some. It is rare for someone to stand out so clearly as an asshole after only a few words on national television as does Duke, who is crushed by the fact that his daughter is…gasp! A LESBIAN! He bursts into tears as he tells us that he’s just a little disappointed in his daughter’s proclivities. Lauren, who seems to be a perfectly normal human being in every respect, including her sexual preference, manages not to garrote this asshole to the choking death he clearly deserves in their opening interview.

Vipal and Arti are the first openly Indian-American couple to compete on TAR. From their CBS bios, it is clear that he is stereotypically assholic, and she is stereotypically passive. They are in this for a free trip. That’s a shame, because they ain’t trippin’ much after tonight’s episode.

Kellie and Jamie are the mandatory token Southron cheerleaders. One claims they’d both “have a conversation with a doorknob.” We’ll just not bother to tell them that they’ve been punk’d by a fraternity yet again—that wasn’t conversation, and it wasn’t a doorknob, if’n you know what I mean.

Tyler and James are “recovering drug addicts and models from Southern California.”

Sigh. I have to watch this shit through to the end, y’know. Kill me now.

Lyn and Karlyn are friends and single mothers from Alabama. They are the token black folk, since Islamofascists don’t count. They will be brutally sacrificed on the altar of intelligence somewhere in some godforsaken wasteland elsewhere in the world, probably by smart people Gaywin and Gayerwin (Note: I’m not generally homophobic. I am, however, extremely phobic about smart Asian homos. Those people are so going to make us all their bitches.). Lyn and Karlyn look a lot alike, except one of them is driving a kar.

Sorry. Sometimes the spirit moves me, and sometimes it just shits me out.

Tom and Terry are the token flamboyant open homosexuals. They are not nearly as interesting as other flamboyant open homosexuals we have experienced on this and other shows. Their show bio describes them as “fun and feisty,” which is pretty much a dead giveaway that they’re soulless twits. They are shown getting manicures and being bitchy about the other teams (which they had, of course, not yet met when they were interviewed).

Really. I don’t hate them because they’re gay. I hate them because they’re flaming.

Brak brak brak Who will win? Can we roll credits? No, we cannot, because it’s time for Dixie Melons to arch his eyebrows and lecture the victims. Brak brak brak My father’s race has many legs, with eight elimination pit stops.

Whoa. Eight eliminations for twelve teams? I can math up. There’s a double elimination somewhere. Now, while I have not yet seen this episode, which I am watching on tape because far more important things were happening when the episode actually aired, I am willing, based on an accidental visit to the front page of the show’s Web site, to venture that the double-headed Smoot is going to come tonight. I’m even willing to venture that all of those eliminated will be brown people of one shade or another.

Science. It’s a good thing.

Anyway, brak brak brak if you’re last, you’re shat out like yesterday’s beans. Brak brak brak there will be surprises. Brak brak brak arch Dixie’s eyebrow. Again. Brak brak brak read a clue, steal a car, and get the fuck outta tit-slappin’ range of these 44FFFs. Brak brak brak don’t take any wooden nickels, don’t talk to men in furry hats in bus stations, don’t push the red button that says “Don’t Push This Button,” and hurry up and get this over with so we can go do more useful things than watching this show, like nosepicking, bumwiping, and constant masturbation.

We become clueful. We are flying to Beijing on one of two flights, one United and the other Korean. This will mark, as near as I can tell, the first time we’ve pseudocircumnavigated the globe in a generally westerly direction.

You have no idea how lucky you are that I am writing this here summary. As it happens, I myself flew to Beijing this very year. And stayed there. Which will allow me all sorts of snide commentary, some of it entirely truthful, about the place they’re going in this here episode. Aren’t you lucky?

Wait a minute. I can’t hear you. Aren’t you lucky?

That’s better. Maggots.

The Islamofascists tell us that Allah is great. Wow, that was unpredictable. Gaywin and Gayerwin know their way around Seattle. Either the Cheerleaders or the Beauty Queens—it’s hard to tell them apart at this stage--can’t figure out how to work a vehicle. The Flamers are pumped. Fuck it, roll credits.

Credits duly rolled, we work our way through Seattle, where it is raining. Wow, that’s unpredictable. By the way, Seattle’s a shithole.

It develops that it’s the beauty queens who can’t work a vehicle, but it’s no big deal, because Loretta Lynn’s Daddy cain’t, either. “Uh doan’ knuh hah t’ git ‘er ‘n geer,” he grunts. Way to go, CBS. Yet another fine job of presenting us with Southrons who don’t know toilet tissue from wrapping paper.

Duke and Lauren can’t work a car, either. The BQ’s solve their problem by switching drivers; Loretta Lynn’s Daddy solves his problem by mouthing around his chaw. Lauren applies sophisticated lesbian technology to the matter and gets Duke into gear. There is whining.

Followed by the mandatory direction-getting, in this instance by the Buff Not At All Gay Former Drug Addict Models (BNAAGFDAM, for simplicity). They want to know how to get to the airport.

So there’s a reason I’m not too awful at writing these here TAR summary things, which reason being that I been a few places. Not so much on that whole world level, although as I noted, it is true that I have, in the recent past, been to this Beijing place that we’re off to now. But I have been to and navigated about many of the American places that these alleged racers frequent, and Seattle is one of them. In fact, I know enough about Seattle to say with unswerving conviction that it is a shithole. You may disagree, particularly if you live there, and that’s fine. So it ain’t a shithole for you. Fair nuff. But you’re not writing, and I am. It’s a shithole, a low-grade industrial port city that is rarely anything other than dank. The dank is leavened, for me, by some coffee shops, a few okay bars, some nice places to eat, and a crapload of close friends who I love to visit. But it’s a shithole.

In addition to being a shithole, Seattle is a remarkably simple city. It’s long and thin, and I-5 runs right through it and dumps you pretty much inexorably at the airport. It is unforgiveably stupid to have to ask for airport directions in Seattle. You do not have to be the Prince of Fucking Geography to find Sea-Tac. You might could get a little confused by Boeing Field, which is right by the highway on the way to Sea-Tac, but that confusion should be cleared up by the giant “Boeing Field” sign that faces the highway. Which, by the way, runs through pretty much the shittiest part of the shithole that is Seattle.

Anyway, the teams make their way to I-5, which is pretty much impossible to miss; their way to the highway is marred and frustrated by…uhm, mostly their complete inability to fucking read.

There is a designed-to-be-touching mandatory confessional from the amputee and her pervert boyfriend. Fuck ‘em. Brak brak brak. There’s also a quick cameo with Apu and Manjula, and I’m sure they’re very sweet and touching. Ilse thinks Manjula is hot. I’d hit it, but she’s no Kelly Goldsmith.

Loretta Lynn’s Daddy and his wife are having awful trouble articulating the fact that they ain’t never been outside a the holler. Other teams are trying to follow various other teams, an enterprise compounded by the fact that most of the teams are, in fact, fuck-all stupid. The hillbillies ask for directions, and are told to take the worst possible route, one that is traffic-choked and goes through a particularly gruesomely shitty, whore-and-pancake-house-laden part of town, rather than the highway, which may well be traffic-choked—surely more so than down the holler—but is, at least, a limited-access highway unburdened with dirty pirate hookers who can give you a dose at 300 yards.

And so it is—traffic-choked, that is—because there’s been an accident. The amputee and the perv artfully slide around on side streets. The hillbillies are fortunate, at least for now, to have avoided the interstate. Mrs. Hillbilly tells us (as near as I can tell) that LLD makes all the decisions, but that ain’t goan be t’ case here, if’n they want t’ win this here race-thing.

The Gimp and The Perv are the first into the airport, followed by the Hillbillies. The Islamofascists pray in traffic—hmm, maybe I was wrong about that whole Weavers thing.

Dixie Melons tells us that six teams can fly on each plane, and that the second plane will arrive nearly a full hour after the first!

The Hillbillies meet the BQ’s on the airport parking lot bus. They’re duly impressed; Mrs. Hillbilly just about pees her union suit.

There is much noise. The Daters prove, once again, that TAR is a really crappy venue for deciding your suitability for marriage. The Islamofascists fuck up. Duke rants as L-Girl sulks in the back seat, cursing the father that abused her into switching teams. The Daters continue to bicker and threaten. Wow, are they gonna esplode. There is universal weeping and gnashing of teeth as we head into:

Commercials:

an idiotic commercial, for AOL; a guy wedged on top of a filing cabinet, for Sprint; a flying tablecloth and a very bad rendition of Magic Carpet Ride, the best movie song in history, for Wendy’s; designer crap, for Pier 1, which is better than Kirstie Alley for Pier 1; sexy models, for a laxative; and CBS, for a bad new Mark Burnett/AOL joint venture, and for Dave, and for Survivor: Hatin’ On Yo Peoples.

Commercials just ain’t what they used to be.

We’re back, with the line in the airport parking garage, and then with people heading into the airport. Other teams are met, greetings are exchanged. Snide commentary must, by law, ensue.

Long story short: Gimp ‘n Perv, the BQs, the Hillbillies, BNAAGFDAM, Bad Daddy and L-Girl, and Lyn and Kar-Lyn make it onto the United flight. Apu and Manjula are turned away and sent scurrying to KAL.

Over at KAL, one of the Islamofascists refuses to shake hands with one of the cheerleaders “because of my religion,” and permanently loses any interest I had in being nice to him. I say to you, Sir, Fuck Your Religion. Assimilate your religion more or less into the dominant cultural paradigm, if that’s not too disruptive, or do not whine to me about how you are persecuted. For the record:

Shaking Hands With Women: Not disruptive.

Eating Pork: Plenty disruptive.

We clear? Y’all are way over into Weaverville.

On the KAL flight: The Flamers, the Cheerleaders, Gaywin and Gayerwin, the Daters, the Islamofascists, and Apu and Manjula.

Gaywin and Gayerwin are busted for carrying loaded squirt guns. I’m not fucking kidding. So much for their superior fucking intellect.

Boarding for the United flight introduces us to this crew’s capacity for being complete fucksticks: they all simper and whine as Gimp ‘n Perv preboard, by virtue of her amputational superiority. Guess what, morons? It doesn’t matter in what order you board the airplane. It matters in what order you deplane. Perv, however, gloats about how much use he and his little amputee honey expect to get out of the crip card.

Planes take off. The Islamofascists ostentatiously pray in the gate lounge. Incredibly, this does not appear to delay the flight.

So, Beijing. Remember that whole “shithole” thing? Beijing is partially it. It is, of course, wondrously alien and teeming with life and, in parts, beautiful and strange. It is also dry, dusty, teeming with life and germs, heavily polluted, choked with traffic, and ruled by persons who do not find it odd that they are carrying automatic weaponry in their pursuit of enforcing jaywalking laws.

The United flight is, of course, delayed. There is more bitching about Gimpgirl; “She can run the Ironman but she can’t stand in line?” simpers either Lyn or Kar-Lyn. Bad Daddy and L-Girl make it to a taxi first.

We’re going to a restaurant called the Gold House. Gimp ‘n Perv, Kar/Lyn, the Hillbillies, the BQs, and BNAAGFDAM trail behind. The Hillbillies gulp and choke around some language reflecting their relative lack of travel experience. “We ain’t done been outside Kintuhkee oar Tinnuhsee,” gulps one of them. There is much pidgining at the Beijing taxi drivers who, I must credit, are a surly and undecipherable lot.

Kar/Lyn continue to snipe at Gimp ‘n Perv. This should be way cool. They’re really graceless bitches, these two are.

The second flight apparently arrives, because the Flamers and Cheerleaders pile into cabs, the Cheerleaders offering up some Gamecock cheer for their driver. The Daters assert that they aren’t tired (bullshit—Beijing is the exact fucking opposite of North America, time-zone-wise, and after 14 hours in business class, you’re utterly destroyed—it’s fucking impossible that you’d jump off the plane perky after flying in cattle). The Islmaofascists grab a cab, followed by Apu and Manjula, with Gaywin and Gayerwin bringing up the rear, as befits idiots who think it’s okay to brandish fucking squirt guns in a fucking airport.

Bad Daddy and L-Girl arrive at the Gold House, which is, as near I can tell, around the block from the hotel where I stayed in Beijing. It’s already time for a Roadblock brak brak brak only one person (brak brak brak), and we’re gonna jump right into the Bad Food motif, the bad food in this case being fish eyes, a ritual I was, thankfully, not called upon to perform during my stay in China (I was pretty lucky at the formal banquets I attended).

So what they gotta do is actually pluck the eyes out of a bowl of fish heads. And eat them. Yum!

Bad Daddy undertakes the task, and either Kar or Lyn interrupts her bitter bitching about Gimpgirl long enough to do the thing what must be done. Well, almost. She’s distracted by Gimp ‘n Perv’s arrival, but still finishes first, just barely averting a puking. Insert inappropriate cultural food joke here.

Bad Daddy and L-Girl are close behind, and continue the bad-mouth tradition, referring to Kar/Lyn simply as “Alabama.” Owie.

So we’re going to the Forbidden City, which is neither forbidden nor a city. Discuss amongst yourselves.

Once there, we’ll be picking a departure time, and encountering, Dixie promises us, a big surprise. Other than his 44FFFs.

Gimp ‘n Perv hurry to choke down the remaining fish eyes and catch up. The BQs arrive at the wrong place. Meanwhile, Mrs. Hillbilly tries to pick through the fish eyes, as LLD harangues her. BNAAGFDAM are close behind. Mrs. Hillbilly asks a taxi driver if he knows where the Forbidden City is; he doesn’t. He’s lying. It’s like, only the most spectacularly requested tourist destination in the whole fucking city. He just doesn’t want to haul hillbillies. BNAAGFDAM escape a few minutes ahead of them. Horrors!

The Flamers arrive as the Cheerleaders are consuming fish eyes. Oddly, neither team has trouble consuming grotesque, slimy things. The BQs are still hopelessly lost; they are in the wrong neighborhood, and stunningly, no one has ever heard of this one restaurant in Beijing. I wouldn’t have, either, if I were a local and I thought that this would induce two statuesque Western blondes to eat in my joint.

But it shall all remain unsolved, because we’re off to:

Commercials, brought to us by Excedrin:

Voiceover for Excedrin, CVS, and CBS, in an awesome display of cross-marketing; lots of noise and neon, for…wait for it…I’m guessing something IPod-related…kaching; willowy chicks and a bad 80s cover, for Kohls; various largish women, getting progressively thinner as the commercial continues, for Crystal Light; a bodybuilder with a squeaky voice, for Citi’s identity theft thing; sizzling food, for Stouffer’s; and CBS, for CSI: Crockett and Tubbs, and for Jeff Probst’s Race War 2006.

And we’re back, with the BQs looking desperately for both English speakers and the right restaurant. Meanwhile, back in the taxis, the Daters and the Islamofascists are annoying, Apu and Marjula are frightened, and Gaywin and Gayerwin are snide.

Several teams mill about the gates of the Forbidden City; Gimp ‘n Perv get there first, followed by Bad Daddy and L-Girl, then Kar/Lyn. All get departure times of 7 AM; so do BNAAGFDAM. The Cheerleaders and the Flamers show up to grab 7:15 departures; the Cheerleaders rub up against the Flamers. Literally. Ew. The Hillbillies likewise get a 7:15 time.

The BQs get out of the restaurant, followed by the Daters. Apu chokes down a plateful of eyes, as the Islamofacists start to crumble. Gaywin and Gayerwin fail to arrive at the restaurant until after everyone else is gone.

The remaining teams grab 7:30 departures, except there’s one tag that says “Last Team.” Apu and Manjula have trouble finding the Forbidden Fucking City. This is fucking ridiculous. It’s the south fucking side of Tiananmen Square, which is like the center of the fucking city. You can find it blindfolded, even if you’re stupid. I did (I was stupid and soaked like a drowning rat, although not, per se, blindfolded).

Gaywin and Gayerwin grab the next-to-last departure ticket, just after Apu and Manjula, and just before the Islamofascists. Uh-oh. There’s a mat. Here comes Dixie Melons. Pa-DOW!!! You fucking Brownie-fan bitches are eliminated! One of the Islamofascists tries to argue. The other turns it into a religious diatribe. Go back to the Dawg Pound, annoying persons.

The mood of all the other teams—assembled for the express purpose of watching this humiliation—crumbles as they suddenly realize that they survive at the pleasure of Jerry Bruckheimer and Dixie Melons. You’d think that they’d be smart enough to have recognized that when they…I dunno…READ THE RULES? But no. They’re crushed, and we’re off to:

Commercials:

Meat, bread, and other foodstuffs, for Wendy’s; a voice on the phone, for Dell, which is pretty tragic, considering that the Dell laptop on which I have composed for you so many very nearly witty and almost funny summaries has recently developed some horrible aversion to being touched in the USB ports, yielding a series of BSOD errors and a lot of time on the phone with Dell Support, leaving me to compose this on the lighter but slower and creepier laptop I bought to take with me to…Beijing! And which is now the computer that Ilse is allowed to use…yeah, I’m funny; Gorillas, or quite possibly persons in gorilla suits, for Jeep; svelte people, for a laxative, again; the stupid guy wedged in a file cabinet, again, for Sprint, again; CBS, for some show involving Ray Liotta, and for the dumbass Mandy Patinkin show, and for CSI: Sipewicz, and for Dave; talking fruits (no, really) for My Local Grocery UberMegalopoly; pseudoscience, for Subway; and My Local News, for itself.

And we’re back, with everyone pretending to be disappointed that the scary-looking Muslims have been Dixied. “They looked like cool guys,” someone says. “I’m glad we won’t have to go through airport security with them again,” no one says.

So it’s the next morning, and we’ll be leaving the Forbidden City, which forms the south side of Tiananmen Square, apparently in the sidecars of motorbikes, where they have to go on some madcap dash to some place with pedicabs. Or pedicures. I dunno, I can’t be bothered. This shit is really tiresome.

Gimp gets upset because her fake leg is leaking hydraulic fluid. Perv can’t fix it. Kar/Lyn do some chest-puffing, claiming that other teams are disappointed that they did well, and blaming it on The Man.

Dear TV Producers,

Would it be too much fucking trouble for you to stop perpetuating every nasty racial, cultural, and ethnic stereotype in the book?

Yeah, I know, what the fuck am I thinking? Never mind.

Peace Out,
Landru

BNAAGFDAM are first to leave for real, after telling us how cool they are because they’re former drug addicts. Bad Daddy and L-Girl are next, and the dash down the Avenue of Heavenly Peace begins.

Oh, look. Pedicabs tastefully decked out in red and yellow. We must be somewhere. Where we are is at a Detour (brak brak brak choice between two tasks, one prostitutional and the other communistic brak brak brak). The choice is between laying paving bricks in a specific pattern, or doing some stupid Chinese dance steps. Wow, shades of German knee-slap dancing. Either way, we gotta ride a pedicab to get there.

There’s more whinging. The Daters are profoundly serious. Apu and Manjula are trepidatious. Gaywin and Gayerwin are assholes.

It appears that everyone is doing the bricklaying thing.

Gimp ‘n Perv start laying the bricks, as do Kar/Lyn. BNAAGFDAM are the first to correctly suss out the incredibly simple pattern that is necessary for continued cluefulness. The Cheerleaders and the Flamers become the first teams to go after the dancing task. Apu and Manjula get lost. Badly lost. We’d better go to:

Commercials:

an ordinary guy, for Sears; a trailer, for a movie that includes Leo Decaprio, Matt Damon (Matt Damon!), Marky Mark, and Jack Freakin’ Nicholson, and how could a thing be any more studded with starstuds?; a woman on a sinking ship, combined with a Greek god motif, for Excedrin; I don’t care, for some air freshener product; shrimp, for Red Lobster; happy rigid people, for Botox; and CBS, for CSI: Top Gun, and for the dumbass show with the President from 24, and for CSI: Original Recipe.

And we’re back. Apu and Manjula finally get unlost, and decide to lay some brick. Gimp ‘n Perv do a little better. BNAAGFDAM finish the bricklaying first, and have to take a taxi to the Great Wall, which they must scale like Mongoreans, except using ropes, to get to the pit stop, where some poor sumbitches will be DixieMeloned. Gimp ‘n Perv finish bricklaying and hit the road. Kar/Lyn, who are way the fuck behind, use some undoubtedly unimportant time to bitch some more about Gimp ‘n Perv.

Hateful.

Bitches.

We can look forward to a time when these two no-account, tude-poisoned hobags bitch themselves right out of the race. I hope.

And remember, I don’t even like Gimp ‘n Perv; she’s trading on a disability, and he’s both trading on her disability and indulging his sicko fetish.

The BQs pass BNAAGFDAM in the street and spend some time talking about how cute they are. Bad Daddy and L-Girl finish. Gimp ‘n Perv lie to get a taxi cab ahead of some other people. BNAAGFDAM have trouble finding a taxi, which is not surprising, since the ride is like an hour or an hour and a half. BNAAGFDAM are disgusted.

There’s more bricklaying. Kar/Lyn finally finish up, and lend encouragement to any team that doesn’t include an amputee. The BQs finish next. The Daters are squabbling bitterly, until they finally figure out the secret of the brick border.

The Flamers and the Cheerleaders head for their dancing activity and start to practice. The locals are appalled.

Gaywin and Gayerwin try to steal bricks from the hillbillies. Sadly, violence does not ensue.

The Cheerleaders start to show off.

Gimp ‘n Perv are busy nattering about their great love as Bad Daddy and L-Girl blow by them. Gimp starts to gasp climbing up the stairs. No one has figured out the ropes yet. Gimp ‘n Perv blow by the ropes as Perv tells Gimp how great she is.

BNAAGFDAM hit the ropes first, bragging all the way. Bad Daddy has trouble climbing. Gimp has serious trouble, as you might expect from a person with one leg. And on we climb. It’s pretty fucking dull, except for the part where Gimp is crying about not being able to do this, even with the incredibly superior upper-body strength she was bragging about not five minutes ago, in show time. Perhaps we ought to go to:

Commercials:

people drinking tea, for some weird Lipton product; various people working, for TIAA-CREF; that damn guy on the file cabinet, again, for Sprint, again; a shoplifting runner, for MasterCard; models I wouldn’t hit with Gothmog’s pecker, for Victoria’s Secret; CBS, for a bunch of shit that isn’t really funny; a fake farmer, for Bob Evans restaurants; a car, for itself; talking fruits, for My Local Grocery Megalopoly, again; children dressed all sporty and rad or something, for some vehicle; and My Local News, for itself, again.

And we’re back, with Gimp melting down almost totally. BNAAGFDAM spit on her panting, panicking corpse as she hauls it up the ropes, and get in first. They win $20,000. They brag on themselves.

Doods. You’re fucking drug addicts.

L-Girl bursts into tears as Bad Daddy grunts and pants to the top of the rope. L-Girl beats the Perv to the top, and Bad Daddy and L-Girl come in second. She’s still weeping, mostly because her dad is such a fucking asshole. Gimp ‘n Perv come in third.

Meanwhile, back at the bricks, the Hillbillies are bickering, hugely, but finally finish. It oughta be cute seeing her haul her fat hillbilly ass up a rope, hmm? The Daters finally finish.

Kar/Lyn, being fat fucking welfare mothers who do nothing but bitch, are eying the ropes with some trepidation. They’re whining, a lot, forgetting that a woman with one leg just got up ahead of them.

The BQs come in fourth, as the Flamers, then the Cheerleaders, finish dancing.

Gaywin and Gayerwin finish laying brick, leaving Apu and Manjula still working. They rescue the Daters from a potential lost-ness experience, laying a claim to good karma.

There’s a lot of moaning and bickering at the wall, as Apu and Manjula finally finish bricklaying. Hillbillies are bickering, Kar/Lyn are bitching, Flamers are flaming, and we’re in:

Commercials, brought to us by Sprint:

that fucking scrunched-up asshole, again, for Sprint, again, and I’m really sick of this; a sleepy guy, running into Abe Lincoln and a badger and wait a minute, wasn’t this TJ’s fucking nightmare a few nights ago?; the freakshow Andie McDowell, for L’Oreal; Buggy, for Arm and Hammer; meats, breads, and other foodstuffs, again, for Wendy’s, again; CBS, for CSI: Crockett and Tubbs, again; a car, for itself, again; people staining a carpet, inexplicably, for the Maryland Lottery; some woman and Peter Graves, for Geico; and My Local News, for itself, again.

And we’re back, but things are no less boring/annoying. There’s still bitching and whining, and twisting, and general doom and gloom. This is really not entertainment.

The Daters actually come in fifth, followed by the Cheerleaders. Meanwhile, Apu and Manjula are lost. Very lost. They appear to be going to the wrong place on the wall. Gaywin and Gayerwin come in seventh, followed by the flamers. Mrs. Hillbilly is stuck on the wall, but then again so are the Bitches. Kar/Lyn gets there first, and Kar/Lyn come in ninth. They are feeling very accomplished. Kinda like climbing that rope with one leg, huh?

The Hillbillies toddle in tenth. They are surprised not to be last. Apu and Manjula are the last to arrive, after the sadistic fucks who make this show force them to climb the fucking ropes, even though everyone else is already done. They go out sweetly and nicely, and there are, truly very nice young people. I’m almost sorry that I so cruelly named them Apu and Manjula.

Next Week: The Daters bicker in some agricultural nightmare. Horses drag teams to their very deaths. Gimp ‘n Perv are not eliminated, since we’re viewing footage of them having trouble with horses that don’t speak English.

Thanks for visiting the site, and don’t forget to visit our sister site, Survive This! where staffers other than me will be chronicling the ruination of Western civilization, as interpreted by Mark Burnett.

The Amazing Race Season Nine Finale

2006-05-18T00:32:00.000-04:00

Kings of Karma: A Summary Not Written by Dweeze

Previously on nearly all recent summaries, Devious Weasel bailed out his loser friends and dashed off a comedic gem of such rare brilliance that far flung planetary systems turned on their axis and said “whazzat?” Also, TeamJoisey’s hard drive was eliminated in the “bad header”challenge (catapulting him into the aforementioned pantheon of loser friends) and Andrew Savage emerged to beat the snot out of Aras Baskaballus…

Oh wait… that was previously among “circle of” productions, where stalwart chum Dweezil got stuck with long relief duty before the arrival of overpaid, egomaniacal closers. Thanks, kid. Ya done good.

“Now pitching for the New York Mets, number 13, lefthander Billy Wagner…”

Previously on The Amazing Race

Let's begin all the way back at the beginning, when Jerry Bruckenmeisterstalag and Bertram Van "Eddie" Munster hired Phil "The Sweater" Keoghan. OK, not that far back. Let's go to Denver, and the start of The Amazing Race Nine, which directly followed Amazing Race Seven, making no stop whatsoever at any Amazing Race resembling the number Eight. Personally, I'm so relieved to be free of the Weavers I can't summon enough vitriol to hate this season. Yeah, it was sucky and predictable. But last season was a disaster of Biblical proportions.

I digress. And not for the last time.

There we were in Colorado. Phil cocked his .48-caliber eyebrow, and fired. The recoil hurled nearly a dozen coupled cadavers down the hillside at the Red Rocks Ampeetheater. We we off and not-really-racing. Phil takes us along on a 12-minute recap of every episode, every country, every Philimination, every non-philimination, every non-proliferation treaty between the “he’s gay, I’m not” best friends, every moment of wife-beating glory in the previous ten episodes. Has it been 10? Do you care? Do we have summaries? (Yes, yes we do. Look to your right and be entertained.)

Along the way we’ve discarded a vast array of useless idiots, hideous harridans, and a half-dozen breast implants larger than Phil’s head.There were the “bestest pals who aren’t gay, no way,” those weeping, screaming old harlot sisters, an illegal immigrant mother-daughter team, a pair of bubblechested blonde sluts, the loving and loveable nerds, a psychotic dentist, two geriatric sex addicts and most recently Team MoJo, Joseph & Monica. It was she who gave all the world a brief peek at her Brazilian crotch barbering. (At least those who could take their eyes off her bulging cleavage.) Good times. I think it was fitting that one of the final images of Monica is her walking the street, sobbing, holding up her two large jugs.

Along the way, Phil details each of the nine countries the race has visited thus far, even providing a helpful shot of the Italian flag, in case any viewers at home might want to store such information for use later in the episode.

We’ve seen holes dug, hoes drilled, plates smashed, cliffs climbed, laundry sniffed, bungees stretched, parachutes opened, crickets gnawed. We’ve tolerated every moment of fish slapping, doll-coring, diaper-wrasslin' monkey love. Finally, we are down to three teams.

The Hippies: BJ & Tyler. Highy educated, multilingual, well-traveled young white males who work exceptionally well as a team and stay upbeat and mutually supportive through adversity. Total dweebs. They've finished last in both non-philimination legs, and continued on despite a serious lack of pants. Aside from being drippy, flippy weirdos, they’ve done nothing offensive other than wear hideous clothing and grow copious amounts of hair. On the other hand, these people do not represent George W. Bush’s America. The NSA is currently combing through the lint in their dryer. What's the odds these guy have rolling papers stashed under the floorboards?

The Frat Boys: Eric & Jeremy. Misogynistic cretins who dropped out of college to spend more time masturbating, these two hypercompetitive slimeballs have offended our global neighbors at every opportunity. (Now that’s Amurrican!) They rarely think, except with their penises, and they lack any ability to communicate in complex sentences. They have not had a single likeable moment in the entire run of the show. In fact, it’s been clearly established that they are complete assholes, unworthy of the one million dollar prize. On The Amazing Race, teams of unworthy assholes never win the money, unless the whiny one has large tits.

Some Other Team That Has Had Absolutely No Impact On The Show Whatsoever: Ray & Yolanda. It wouldn’t be an Amazing Race without Token Blacks. We’ve seen loving black couples win twice in the last three years, but this pair does not qualify as loving. Nor intelligent, nor skillful, nor interesting. They are here by accident. I will mention them only when it becomes necessary. Trust me, that won’t happen a lot.

The real show finally opens in Bang-Cock, which Phil describes as the commercial and cultural center of Thailand. To the Frats, this means "a place where 14-year-old girls will suck you off for three dollars."

The Hippies earned a Fast Forward in the previous leg by devouring five quarts of Kentucky Fried Crickets, and thus are the first to depart. They open the clue envelope with their usual mock gusto at 11:18 p.m. This insures the three remaining teams will be bunched together before sunrise. As they depart, BJ tells us they expected to win every leg, but have been surprisingly humbled by the same moronic mistakes we saw from every other team. Only luck and the magic of non-Philimination has kept them from going home. That, and good mushrooms.

The clue-that-isn't-a-clue-but-merely-printed-instructions directs them to the Royal Kraal, an elephant farm 75 miles away, where some lavishly overdressed pachyderms are text-messaging Shane Powers with their Blackberry-esque T-Mobile Sidekicks. Like everyone and everything else in Thailand, these royal elephants are willing to tart themselves up in the middle of the night and whore themselves out for American dollars.

The Frat Boys depart more than two hours later, and count out the $388 allocated for this leg of the race. Nobody ever runs out of money, so this is useless information. The Frat Boys also tell us that “since this is the final three, we want to win.” Also useless information, but it does demonstrate an ability to count to three.

Some Other Team That Has Had Absolutely No Impact On The Show Whatsoever departs at 1:28. They are determined to catch the Hippies and the “Frat Girls,” but expound on the problems in their relationship and how simple discussions about race strategy turn into personal problems. (Uh-huh. Yeah. You’re right. I agree. OK, let’s do that. ... What do you mean my ass is big?) Listen, Some Other Team That Has Had Absolutely No Impact On The Show Whatsoever, we don’t care about your relationship, your strategy or your promises to win the money. Just let the cameraman focus on those muscular thighs and shut up.

Eventually, each team arrives at the elephant corral, which opens at 4 a.m. They wait. We wait. We ponder whether the elephant corral normally opens at 4 a.m., or if the producers have rigged the schedule. The handwritten sign in English is our first clue.
At 4 a.m. the elephants do a lap dance, the racers dodge doo-doo, the royal pachyderm prostitutes do their whorish pandering for T-Mobile. The participants all fake interest in the sponsor’s gizmo, which tells them to fly to Tokyo’s version of Times Square and watch the huge video screens for the next clue. Ray writes this down. With a crayon. BJ and Tyler rejoice at this news, and give us the first of 6 trillion reminders that Tyler speaks Japanese.

It is time for another round of Airport Tag, where teams scramble about, looking for any slight advantage, only to end up on the same exact planes. This iteration is in Thailand, and it is of no interest at all except that the oh-so-confident Hippies are denied seats on the oh-so-important United Flight 9. Feh.

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Venus feminine razors now have a built in vibrator, which does much to explain the current predeliction for nearly hairless crotches… The Roaming Gnome, not buried in a shallow hole waiting for shallow contestants… Nike attempts to warn Americans about soccer… Not a pachyderm prostitute quite yet, the rapidly thickening Catherine Zeta Jones whores for T-Mobile… an asthma medicine, whose disclaimer actually includes these words: “may increase the chance of asthma-related death” … Applebee’s shithole restaurants… Promos for CBS shows: Cold Case (of Beer); King of Queers; Julia Louis Dreyfus Used to Be Funny; Charlie Sheen Really Really Likes Little Girls; Julia Louis Dreyfus Won’t Go Away; Letterman; When I Shtupped Everybody But Your Mother.

Back to the show. We are thrilled by the vision of people boarding aircraft. The Hippies find seats on another flight 90 minutes behind the other teams. They are not concerned because, in case you were wondering, they speak Japanese. Teams must eventually find their way to the Hotel Nikko Smith, where they will acquire economical Japanese cars for the trip to Sudoku Square. The next clue is a huge sign that says simply, "Find Natalie Holloway." Well, it should have. We can't all sit around waiting for that voyeur Greta Van Susteren to do it. The sign actually says "Play Pachinko."

The Frat Boys get directions and a map from the hotel desk, which is a good thing. Japanese road signs are indecipherable, even for people who conveniently speak Japanese. It's tougher than reading a bowl of noodles. No wonder those people all squint: It's a mystery how they ever found Pearl Harbor. Needless to say, Some Other Team That Has Had Absolutely No Impact On The Show Whatsoever gets hopelessly lost. The ever-resourceful Hippies get off a plane and onto a bus, where they befriend and get directions from some Japanese-speaking native resident-type Japanese people.
In Engrish.

Once in Sudoku Square, we learn that Hachiko is the Japanese Lassie, and has been imortalized with a nearby statue where a garishly-scarved anime refugee provides the next envelope. This reveals a Detour. The choice (each with its own pros and cons) is Slut in a Box or Tiny Bicycles of Death. In the first, teams have to pick up and deliver a prepackaged courtesan to a tea garden. In the other, they must assemble bikes the size of a noseclip and deliver two small packages to nearby Toyko addresses. The first choice is for rational humans. The second choice is for idiotically optimistic teams which speak Japanese. Sadly, there are no rational humans in the game. Predictably, The Frat Boys choose to pick up sluts.

The Hippies, of course, chose silly bicycles, and pedal off shouting random Japanese phrases at confused and amused pedestrians. Some Other Team That Has Had Absolutely No Impact On The Show Whatsoever is stuck in traffic looking for Sudoku Square, confident they are still in the game.

COMMERCIALS
Tom Hanks cracks The DaVinci Code with his imperviously shellacked hair... McDonalds has a new crisp Asian salad, featuring Hachinko nuggets... Antonio Bee-deras for Nasonex... newly formulated Head & Shoulders can now be used to clean your hair... Visa reveals a key secret business practice: steal ideas... Promo for CSI:NY, with some ludicrous plot about terrorists planting bombs in Manhattan, which could never happen now that George W. Bush is Prezdent... News promo promises to reveal the neighborhood sexual predators stalking your children (welcome to sweeps month)... Saab-bots turn your car into an F-16 fighter so you can join the War On Terror, Swedish Edition... Plasticized couple Regis and Kelly for Commerce Bank... Women confess that Dove chocolates are more fun than vibrating razors.

When we return, The Frat Boys deliver the Slut in a Box and reveal the precious cargo, which Eric declares to be a naughty fantasy come true. Fantasy? I guess we are supposed to think he's never stuffed any tiny Asian women into a wooden crate and buried them in the garden. And did anyone notice the unaturally large lips and mouth on this woman/child? Do you think that's a coincidence or an employment requirement?

I digress. There's a clue involved here, which sends teams to the Capsule Land Hotel, which provides vending-machine sized sleeping berths passing as hotel accomodations. Naturally, it is back in Sudoku Square, inches from the statue of Pachinko the Wonder Dog. The Frats pile back into the cab for a return trip. Meanwhile, The Hippies wheel their way around Toyko and deliver their "packages" to smiling receptionists inside office buildings. The Others continue to star in their own episode of Lost.

The Frat Boys arrive at the Capsule Hotel, and make lame jokes about time capsules. The Hippies return the nano-bikes and blather on in random Japanese phrases while hunting for the hotel. Soon enough, they join up with Frat Boys. Ray and Yolanda eventually find Pachinko, mishandle and deliver the Slut in a Box, find the vending machine hotel. They have each been given starting times for the morning, but only 30 minutes separate the three teams. Bunching, sardine style. All three teams go off to play Hyperbaric Michael Jackson for the night. As an aside: You know I would never make a racially insensitive remark, but why is it Ray that makes the observation that the capsule hotel is like a prison?

When they awake and depart, they are given the next envelope. This directs them to Fujikyu Highland, an amusement park near the base of Mount Fuji, Japan's big volcanic mountain. The park's rollercoasters are among the tallest and fastest in the world. When they arrive they will find a Roadblock, which requires one team member to ride three rollercoasters and look for a man holding a monstrously large sign naming their next destination.

Everyone jumps in those economical Japanese cars, and off they go in search of Ku-chi-ku Island, and/or directions to the amusement park. As an aside: You know I would never make a racially insensitive remark, but why is it that Ray and Yolanda immediately stop at Dennys?

Jeremy spots an inordinately large volcano-like hill with a snow-capped peak, and declares it must be Mount Tokyo. Eric correctly identifies it as Mount Suribachi. Speaking of spewing detritus, The Hippies continue to revel in the smug confidence borne of their ability to speak Japanese. To them, life is a Nintendo game. Soon enough they catch up to the Frat Boys, who damn them for their language skills.

When teams arrive at One Flag over Tokyo, they open the instructions for the Roadblock, which Phil describes as “the physical strain and adrenaline rush of three consecutive thrill rides.” The Hippies see this physical strain as something less demanding than Bowl O’ Bugs. Tyler and Jeremy ride at the same time. Tyler makes friends with two Japanese ladies. Jeremy attempts to seduce three uniformed schoolgirls, who giggle at him dismissively. On the first ride, Tyler declares he's going to regurgitate some crickets; Jeremy say snot is coming out of his nose. Oh...remember Some Other Team That Has Had Absolutely No Impact On The Show Whatsoever? They somehow lost their Turnpike ticket, and are stuck at a tollbooth.

COMMERCIALS
The Gnome… Subaru Outback … nerds for Wendy’s Frosties… contact lenses that breathe… I know some women pile on tons of makeup, but I had no idea you could buy primer for your lips… Dr. Phil… CSI: The Good One, with one cast member imperiled… Without a Trace, which promises a cast member will be imperiled in a plot twist so thrilling they can’t show it on TV. (Huh?)… Close to Home tells the tale of a young lady running an Internet webcam porn site from her bedroom in her parents’ suburban home (sadly, I did not get the site address), and YET ANOTHER cast member is imperiled… Rippling fabric makes me want to buy an Infiniti… Reality show winners should bank at Wachovia… Women who drive the Ford Fusion are promised sexual gratification (your mileage may vary)… and a news blurb on the hunt for Jimmy Hoffa in some cornfield. So much for the legend he’s buried at Giants Stadium.

We return, and things haven’t changed much. Ray and Yolanda fail to find the Turnpike ticket, and pay the maximum fare before moving along. Tyler and Jeremy ride the next two thrill rides. After a little ruse about spotting the clue on the second one, both see the enormous sign on the third ride. They retrieve the instructions, which direct them to a pit stop at Lake Yo!Monica. Once they arrive they must pedal duck-shaped boats out to the swan-shaped yacht where Phil waits.
Off they go in their economical Japanese cars, which, although smaller than the duck boats, do not require pedaling. These two teams jockey for position all the way to the lake, and then furiously duel their way across the water in the absurd little duck boats. The Hippies prevail, possibly because the Frats were stuck in the duck boat with the top hat. Waiting at mat alongside Phil is the Captain Stubing of the Waterfowl Navy, who welcomes them to the Pit Stop. Phil tells them they’ve won a T-Mobile Sidekick, elephant snot included, and three years of service. On his command, they jump for joy. The Frats arrive and the teams trash talk each other inanely. Hours later, Some Other Team That Has Had Absolutely No Impact On The Show Whatsoever arrives to find it is a non-elimination leg. Phil takes their money but not their pants, reminds them they lack any communication skills, and taunts them with the million dollars we all know they can’t possibly win. Both of them say they can win because they’ve had flashes of brilliance along the way. Honestly, I can’t even remember flashes of competence. I can’t even figure out which one ties Ray’s shoes in the morning.

COMMERCIALS
Product placement reminder for the T-Mobile… the idiotically named Cymbalta prescription medication for depression… Chase credit cards allow you to spy on your children while simultaneously transmitting all transaction data to the Department of Homeland Security… Red Lobster describes shrimp scampi as “decadent”… Lowes do-it-yourself home improvement centers are taking the “yourself” out of do-it-yourself… That creepy Burger King ad campaign is so effective that Quaker Oats has ripped it off… Speaking of creepy, here’s Dr. Phil… Country music awards, from Las Vegas, featuring shrieking robotic Carrie Underwear.

The final leg begins. Phil welcomes us to the show as if this is a new episode. We see the three teams sitting on the floor eating dinner aboard a big floating chicken. Phil tells us this last leg is a sprint to the finish. Uh-huh. A sprint, with four dead stop bunch points.

The Hippies depart at 12:18 a.m. and get instructions to fly to Anchorage, Alaska. As they depart, they leave money for Some Other Team That Has Had Absolutely No Impact On The Show Whatsoever. It won’t help. Tyler tells us he and BJ have been training their whole lives for this leg of the race, and they will approach it with wide-eyed enthusiasm and joy. There's something extra special about a relationship that includes the terms "BJ" and "wide-eyed enthusiasm."

The Frat Boys leave two minutes later. They admit they have no friends. As they drive toward the hotel to drop off the cars, they do the tired old “fake Japanese voiceover” schtick. More inexplicable traffic signs: the two teams take different routes back to Tokyo.

Three hours later, Some Other Team That Has Had Absolutely No Impact On The Show Whatsoever begins the last leg. They are thrilled with the $20 left by the Hippies. They stop in a local restaurant, where drunken businessmen declare Yolanda looks like Janet Jackson. They shower her with cash in hope of a quick wardrobe malfunction. She does not comply.

The Hippies arrive first at the hotel. They get directions to the Internet center, and ask the desk clerk to lie if anyone else asks for online service. As the Hippies are making Internet reservations, the Frats arrive. The desk clerk smiles and winks and tells them there is no Internet service. The Frats phone the airlines instead. They end up on different routes to Alaska, but only minutes apart. After this secret stuff, the Frats lounge in the lobby awaiting a shuttle, confident the Hippies are an hour behind. BJ and Tyler share whispers while spying from the balcony. This inconsequential, immature drama is intended to remind us these two teams have been battling each other since the first episode. The teams meet up and the Frats lament the lack of Internet service in the hotel. The lying desk clerk beams at the camera. As they board the shuttle, BJ thanks the liar, unaware that this little 15 minutes of subterfuge has no bearing on the next phase of travel or the outcome of the show. But it does bruise the karma.

That wasn’t silly enough? Now the two teams arrive at the airport, and the Frat Boys hunker behind a wall to keep the Hippies from trailing along. The clever Frat Boys sneak onto their earlier flight headed for a connection in Taipei. After they leave, the Hippies check around and book seats for that same connecting flight out of Taipei. Ray and Yolanda finally arrive at the airport, and sure enough, they find the same connecting Taipei flight. They fight with the ticket agent who tells them they are too late to board the flight to Taipei. Stop me if you’ve heard this one before. Hate to break this to you Ray, but you are not Rob Mariano.

COMMERCIALS
Michael has returned from the Other side of the Island and reports there are three dozen hot models dancing in Old Navy madras clothing... Claritin... Edy's slow churned ice cream inspires stalkers... The Saab wagon, for drivers with low self esteem... Gnome... Aveeno sunblock will last all summer... Dave puts Bruce Willis in a tank of water. Damn the oxygen tube... Mercedes can tow your house... Friendship cottage cheese salutes previous contestants on the Race, including losers Lori & Bolo and Rebecca & Adam. We are also reminded that the detestable winners Freddy & Kendra have more money than us... James and the Giant Peach for the Orange Savings Bank... You can fit your whole house in a Mercedes... A news promo for CSI: The University.

Ho-hum. Japanese airport counter. No tickee, no boardee. Awready crowsed. What's dat, producer-san? Okay, we open prane now. Wecome aboard, Janet Jacki-san. Yes, Some Other Team That Has Had Absolutely No Impact On The Show Whatsoever gets on the same plane with the Hippies. And yes, they both arrive in Taipei in time for the connecting flight with the Frat Boys. Welcome aboard Bunch Airlines, folks!

Phil intones, "All teams are now flying to Anchorage, Alaska." We get the cute little map with a single animated line. Teams arrive to find it is both cold and snowing in Alaska. Somehow BJ, who had no shoes and pants, Some Other Team(etc.) which had no money, and the Frats all acquire parkas and boots.

When they get to their cars they find instructions sending them to Mirror Lake. They all get the exact same directions from the exact same toll booth operator, "stay straight on this road until you get there."
One team gets lost. Twice. Can you guess which team?

The Frat Boys pass The Hippies on the highway, assuring a vital 14-second time advantage. The envelope at Mirror Lake announces a detour. Drill It or Deliver It. One involves tediously cutting holes through the ice with an auger and setting up an ice fishing shanty. The other involves flying 150 miles over scenic Alaska to deliver first aid supplies, and then flying back. Of course, the Frats choose to drill. The Hippies chose the plane, but ha-ha you hippies. We can’t fly in the snow. Go drill. And the idiot Frat Boys taunt our heroic Hippies for being copycats.

Did I mention tedious? Ten holes takes a long time. Eric and Jeremy, who’ve spent their lives drilling things cold and unresponsive, finish first. The next instructions send them to Kincaid Park, where they have to put on snowshoes and trek along a trail to the next cloobox. Hippies finish and leave just as Ray and Yolanda arrive and begin to drill. Ray, a native of Florida, complains about the cold. Through the miracle of editing, they drill their holes in seconds and race off to the next task. Ray predicts they’ll catch up at the airport. Duh. Overheard at the task: Fisherman to Yolanda, “let me check your holes.”
Frats arrive at Kincaid Park and find the snowshoes along the wall in front of the chalet. Hippies search all over for the snowshoes, nearly tripping over them twice. Silly, silly Hippies.

COMMERCIALS
X-Men: The Last Stand (unless we make money and then we’ll make more movies)… Ford will help you terrorize your daughter… Announcing birth control pills that shorten menstrual periods. Now there’s a dilemma for Rev. Wildmon… Meglomaniacal millionaire bankers sneer at common Americans here in George W. Bush's Amurrica… Promos for CSI, and for that unbelieveable show where Rob Morron is supposed to be an FBI agent. This time his genius brother calculates up some serial-sexual-thrill-killer and both Judd Hirsch (gunshot) and Rob Morron (injection in the neck) are imperiled. Welcome to sweeps, where desperate producers need to boost their Numbers.

Back to the action. The Hippies eventually find the snowshoes in front of their faces. Undeterred, they put them on and skip along the trail. Frats find the cloobox first, and the instructions send them to the final city: Denver. They must drive to Clear Creek History Park in nearby Golden, Colorado and search the place for another envelope. The Frat Boys head back to the chalet and catch a cab for the airport. The Hippies are shown wandering around the Kincaid Park trails. Eventually they find the cloobox, return the invisible snowshoes and catch a cab to the airport. (Dusk falls. Some Other Team arrives. No one cares.)

The Frat Boys book seats on a Frontier Airlines flight at 11:10 p.m. The Hippies book seats on a Frontier Airlines flight at 11:10 p.m. Both teams taunt each other in the airport. Some Other Team That Has Had Absolutely No Impact On The Show Whatsoever arrives ... and books seats on a Frontier Airlines flight at 11:10 p.m. Yawn.

All three teams scramble for cabs in Denver. The Frats arrive at the history park first and find their next instructions. This “clue” sends them back to Red Rocks Ampeetheater, where the race began, where there is one more cloobox of instructions. Hippies arrive at the history park as the Frats are leaving, and find the hidden envelope. Some Other Team That Has Had Absolutely No Impact On The Show Whatsoever arrives as the Hippies are leaving, and wander aimlessly, unable to find the hidden envelope.

It’s a series tradition: The Amazing Cab Race to The Finish Line. We see lots of intercut shots of the two leading teams peering out the window, worrying and hurling hexes.

COMMERCIALS
Gnome. Honda. Air Freshener. T-Mobile. Vibrating crotch razors. McDonald’s Asians. CSI: A Very Special Episode.

Enough with that shit. Back to the show. Frats are first to retrieve the envelope at Red Rocks. It's one final Roadblock. One team member has to run into a field full of 285 flags of various nations, collect the flags from the nine foreign countries they’ve visited on the race, and assemble them, in order, at hidden work stations. Teammates can provide advice, but no physical help. Each work station has a chart with unidentified flags, but the chart includes three incorrect flags. When they’ve completed the lineup of flags, they can run to the finish line.
Jeremy says Eric has the brains of the group. This was determined using electron microscopes. Eric sets off to collect flags. Despite all odds, he correctly places Brazil in the first slot and Japan in the last.

The Hippies draw near, and Tyler says he can smell Phil lurking in the shadows. Perhaps Phil is lactating again. The Heroic Hippies collect the clue, and agree BJ will do the task. Eric brings back a third flag, and puts it in the wrong position. Jeremy begins worrying, pointing out that Eric is a college dropout while BJ and Tyler went to Harvard and Stanford. Sounds simple. Yet with all those brains, neither BJ or Tyler recognize the Russian flag. Note to Harvard graduates: The Soviet Union broke up. No more hammer and sickle, you pointy headed dweebs.

Meanwhile, Ray and Yolanda are.. Eh, who cares.

Eric and BJ continue to collect flags, and continue to put them in the wrong order. Eric is completely wrong about the order from early in the race. BJ actually has them all in the correct order, but jumped past Russia. Eric now has all the flags, but in the wrong order. Eric shuffles his flags, and is incorrect again. Eric shuffles his flags and is incorrect again. Eric shuffles his flags and is incorrect again. BJ and Tyler finally identify the Russian flag on their helpful chart, and he races out to retrieve it. Eric is just one swap from completing the task. BJ begins moving the flags one slot to the left, Eric and Jeremy make one final incorrect swap. BJ finishes first and the Hippies sprint from the field, headed for the finish line. Frats kick the snow.

Cut to the finish line, where Phil waits with the cadre of previously Philiminated bozos. The Hippies come around the corner and are greeted by as much wild applause as 16 people in gloves can generate.

Phil greets them with his usual aplomb. "Five continents, nine countries, more than 59,000 miles and at least one billion Gnome commercials... BJ and Tyler you are the official winners of The Amazing Race. And not that excruciating Family abomination.

Tears, hugs, cheers, brak brak brak. Life-changing... world's a beautiful place... adventure energy... If it is this successful to be hippies, we might as well stay hippies.

The Frat Boys arrive. One of the most competitive ever... grumble grumble... We didn't know the last one would be brains, dammit. We're college dropouts and we hoped to win so we could not work our crappy jobs. Back to waiting tables.

Some Other Team That Has Had Absolutely No Impact On The Show Whatsoever arrives just before Phil's mammaries succumb to frostbite. It seems they've skipped the flag task completely. Phil greets them, the crowd applauds tepidly. Someone shouts, "Get married." Yolanda fires back sharply, "Not today." Phil says there is love. Ray says there is love. Yolanda says there is tough love. In the end, there must be something... they got engaged on The Early Show this week.

It's time for pithy final words from the Hippies:

Joy. Love. Peace.

Psst. Dood, did you pack the bong?

The Amazing Race NineEpisode Ten: The Other One With The Easily Telegraphed Non-Elimination

2006-05-08T16:40:00.000-04:00

by Dweeze

Previously on The Amazing Race:

Something happened. Then, something else happened. Finally, something else happened.

Sorry

Previously on the Amazing Race, no one gave the hippies money besides Fran and Berry and Ray and Yo. Fran and Berry made a small, tiny, comment about their sex life that was completely lacking in detail and it was still more than most of America wanted to hear. As a result, there was much rejoicing when Fran and Berry were eliminated.

At least at my house.

Anyway, who will be eliminated tonight?

I already know the answer, of course. No one. No one is going home tonight. We’re at four teams left, there are three shows left, and there has to be an elimination the week before the two-hour final. No one is leaving tonight. No one.

By the way, you may be reading this before you read last week’s summary. It will depend on several factors. But if you are, please don’t worry and please don’t fret. Last week’s summary will be up soon.

Okay, let’s get this mother started! Eric and Jeremy were the first to arrive, so they are, appropriately enough, the first to depart. The clue tells them to go to Swan Bell Tower, fifteen miles away. There they will take a rifle and start shooting students. It’s the Charles Whitman challenge!

Sorry. Bad taste.

No, at the tower they will find their next clue. The teams all take off in order. MoJo say they heard that Tyler and BJ were going to Yield them for not giving them money. Tyler and BJ say that the word on their t-shirts is their power word. They then play with their action figures for a bit. Finally, Ray and Yo say they are learning and growing.

MoJo are the first ones to the tower. It is closed until morning, and they try to find a place to stay. A local approaches and asks Joseph how much for his woman. Monica laughs but Joe doesn’t find it very amusing. They decide to stay at the tower, the same choice Eric and Jeremy make when they arrive.

BJ and Tyler then arrive, followed by Ray and Yo. The latter hang out by themselves, proving they are the smartest team left in the race. Eric says Ray is on a short leash. Joseph says he is on a short leash. Eric says he doesn’t let Jeremy out of the house. BJ and Tyler note that Eric has been flirting with Monica, and decide to try to stir up trouble to create friction between Eric and Jeremy and Monica and Joseph. Eric helps their cause by telling Monica he wants her to talk dirty to him.

Nice guy that Eric.

Ray and Yo decide to call for a taxi. Tyler and BJ and Eric and Jeremy do as well. Jeremy uses a fake name when he requests the taxi. Eric then makes separate calls back, first as Tyler and then as Ray, to cancel their cab. It’s a Marianoesque move, though coming from Eric it seems far less cool than if Rob had done it.

When the tower opens, Tyler and BJ are the first up. They get a clue which instructs them that they have to fly to a crocodile farm, wade into a pool of crocodiles to get their next clue, come back down, and find no taxi for them. They try to take MoJo’s, but Joe stops them.
Ray and Yo come down and are also taxi-less. They call for another. Eric and Jeremy hit the street and find that their cab also didn’t arrive.

Karma. Ain’t she a bitch?

Eventually everyone gets a cab and is on their way to the airport.

MoJo are first to the airport. They ask the ticket agent to not tell anyone what route they are taking. The ticket agent asks he what it is worth. She says a million dollars, he says “Not to me”. Finally. A ticket agent saying on camera what we’ve always wanted to hear one say. Monica offers a kiss, but the agent isn’t interested. Joseph offers one as well, and the agent considers it, then says no. Tyler and BJ and Ray and Yo arrive and state that someone canceled their cabs. Tyler and BJ suspect MoJo, but they deny it. Instead they confront Eric and Jeremy when they arrive.

Everyone gets on the same flight to Darwin. The plane lands, the teams scramble, and they all arrive at the park in short order just to see the “Open at 9:00) sign. Mo complains about the bugs, prompting Eric to say the bugs are attracted to her. This prompts Tyler to say “Just like Eric”. Eric says he will tie meat around Joe so that the crocodiles attack him. At least I think that’s why he wants to put meat on Joe. It may have to do with the undercurrent of homosexuality in everything Eric does. We cut to a shot of Joe telling Mo he hates the hippies. Also the blacks, the Mexicans, the gays, and those damn wimmen libbers. Mo nods and fixes him a martini.

When the park open, everyone suits up. They are told a list of rules, basically all consisting of “remember, you are in the water with crocodiles”. BJ and Tyler get their clue first and make their way out of the water. The clue sends them to an airfield in Batchelor, Australia.

Insert your own Rose Ceremony joke here.

The clue also tells them that there is a Yield ahead!

MoJo are next to complete the task, and are able to pass BJ and Tyler on the road. Nonetheless, BJ and Tyler are able to outrun Mo and Jo and get to the Yield before they do. They choose to use the Yield on MoJo.

The clue shows that the task is a roadblock. One member of each team has to tandem skydive from a plane. Which is a lot tougher than tandem skydiving from a truck. Anyway, Monica is extremely pissed about being Yielded. She calls BJ and Tyler sleazebags.

Like she wouldn’t have Yielded them if she and Joseph had won the footrace.

Meanwhile, the other two teams arrive. Monica is still complaining, though by now it would be more of a surprise if she quit complaining. Eric chooses to jump for his team, Ray for his. BJ jumps and Tyler seems to enjoy the experience as much as BJ. This prompts Yo and Jeremy to talk about how unique BJ and Tyler are. It also prompts Jeremy to tell us that if Yo were single, she would be his. Oh yes. She would be his.

Dude is almost as deluded as Shane Powers.

BJ lands and he and Tyler get the clue. The clue sends them to the Magnetic Termite Mound of Rebound in Litchfield National Park. As they leave, Mo threatens to hit them. Joe calls her a brat, and the two fight until they finally realize the hour glass ran out. Mo chooses to do the roadblock.

Eric jumps and lands, Ray jumps and lands. Actually, Ray jumps and holds the person he is jumping with tighter than anything Ray has held in his life. He holds him so close he’s behind him. Both teams get their clues and take off.

Meanwhile, BJ and Tyler arrive at the Magnetic Termite Mound’s Coconut Bar. BJ and Tyler make termite jokes while they grab the clue. The task is a detour, and we all know the song by now, right? I don’t have to repeat it?

Sigh.

Okay.

A detour is a choice between two tasks
Between two tasks
Between two tasks
A detour is a choice between two tasks
Each with its own pros and cons

Our choices are Wet and Dry. In Wet, teams drive to another park and swim down a river filled with creepy crawlers until the find the next clue box. In Dry, teams drive to rock cropping, grab a didgeridoo, find the aborigine playing a didgeridoo with an emblem matching the emblem on their didgeridoo, then play a note. Each team member must play the note before they get the clue.

BJ and Tyler decide to do Wet, reasoning that it will be easier.

Right.

Monica finally jumps. They get the clue and take off, Monica still complaining about being Yielded.. Meanwhile, Eric and Jeremy have arrived. They also choose to do Wet. Ray and Yo get their and opt for Dry since Yo can’t swim.

We see shots of Tyler and BJ and Eric and Jeremy trekking through the water. Both teams start second-guessing their decision, saying it is taking longer than they thought. MoJo arrive, get the clue, and choose Dry. Cut to Ray and Yo. They found the didgeridoo player with a didgeridoo that matches theirs. They take turns getting brief lessons, and while it doesn’t sound pretty, they complete the task and take off. They pass MoJo on the way in as they leave.

Meanwhile, all sorts of mean and nasty things are looking in on Tyler and BJ and Eric and Jeremy. They finally can see the clue box in the distance, but it is still a ways away. MoJo have found their didgeridoo player, and Joseph goes first, quickly mastering it. Monica is next and has troubles until Joseph tells her how to blow.

You know, sometimes the joke is hanging out there on a tee waiting to be hit. Those are the times it pays most to resist.

Finally Tyler and BJ and Eric and Jeremy get their clue. They have trouble finding the pitstop location on a map, and drive aimlessly for a bit.

At the same time, Ray and Yo have arrived at the stop. Phil tells them they are in first, then tells them they each get a year lease on a Mercedes identical to the one they have been driving. Ray asks if it is truly identical or if it will be the American version of the vehicle. Phil assures him the steering wheel will be on the appropriate side.

Cut to the other teams finally making it to the highway. Eventually, all three teams are lined up one after another, Eric and Jeremy first, Tyler and BJ second, MoJo third. Or, since Ray and Yo have already checked in, Eric and Jeremy second, Tyler and BJ third, MoJo fourth.

Each team realizes the need for a footrace from the parking lot to the mat. As we saw when Ray and Yo arrived, the path to the mat crosses a little footbridge. The teams park, jumping out of their cars. Eric and Jeremy take a lead, with BJ hot after them. Next is Jo, then Tyler, with Mo bringing up the rear.

Which is a switch from how things usually go with Mo.

But I digress.

At this point, all they need to do is arrive in this order and MoJo will be elim. Ahh, I can’t even kid myself. All they need to do is arrive in this order and MoJo will get the non-elimination penalty. But for some reason, when they reach the footbridge, BJ decides to skip the bridge and try to cross through the water. Maybe he thought he could pass the Eric and Jeremy, but still. This gains him no time, but instead allows Jo AND Mo to pass him. They take turns stepping on the mat, then Phil has all three teams stand in front of him like some Reunification Church ceremony. Phil pronounces their finish on a team by team basis, pausing after telling BJ and Tyler they were last before letting loose with a “I’m happy to tell you that you have not been eliminated.” They are once again forced to turn over their possessions (other than the ones they are wearing) and their money. We see that BJ has lost one shoe, and it is hard to tell if it is an ominous warning that he will have to race with only one shoe (I can see Mo saying that “He wasn’t wearing the shoe when he stepped on the mat”) or just a cool camera shot. I imagine the shoe is in the water that he tried in vain to cross in a hurry. In confessional we see BJ and Tyler say that losing their possessions helps them metamorph into something better.

Next time on The Amazing Race: Monkeys! Sweet! Everything goes better with monkeys!

The Amazing Race 9: Episode Nine: In Which Frankenberry Finally Get to Bump and Grind

2006-05-07T22:12:00.000-04:00

by Gothmog

Well here we are once again, me writing and you reading another one of our efforts here at CircleOf. Before I begin, though, I have to comment, or disclaim if you will, on what we all know to be the highlight, or lowlight of this particular episode—a frank and bare disclosure of Frankenberry’s sex-life, or lack thereof. Evidently, being on the Amazing Race has thrown some particularly nasty interruptus into their coitus. And since it’s been a while since the episode actually aired (completely my bad; life interfered for a bit), I’ve had a time to reflect on my feelings regarding the disturbing nature of this disclosure. Or more specifically, why I’m disturbed. It’s not that I’m against old people having sex. (Well, except for one’s parents, as you might remember from a story I once told). (And I suppose this is especially true now, considering one of my parents is a corpse, but anyway). No, I’m just against them being so non-chalant and public about it. Especially public. I don’t want to see pictures of Hugh Hefner and his harem on his 80th birthday, I don’t want to see J Howard Marshall feeling up Anna Nicole, and I certainly don’t want to see Bob Dole in erectile dysfunction commercials.

But I get ahead of myself. Back to the show itself, and we’ll start with the previouslying. (Love that verb, btw, even if my using it comes with the price of having to © Landru. Back in my formative years, I was instructed not to verb nouns—probably at the same time I was taught to never split an infinitive—but since this involves nouning (or gerunding) an adverb, I’m gonna guess that Mrs. Krunk (she was my 7th grade English teacher; everyone wave at Mrs. Krunk, who might find this if she googles her name, unless she’s dead) won’t come after me all Freddy Kruger-like if I use it, right?)

So anyway, the previouslying. The story thus far: 5 teams. Greece, heading to Oman. Team Token getting testy. (And Frankenberry? not getting testes. See, this sort of thing just works into your subconscious and sticks there, leaving you no outlet but bad puns and subliminal references.) Ray cusses and Yomamma fusses. Everyone has to wade through the wadi. Team Jermneric are surprised that the camel they must transport isn’t Joe, then decide to do some off-roading in the desert. Team Mojo is passed by Team Mofo (i.e. Frankenberry, ‘cept the Mo’ ain’t gettin’ much Fo at the moment—see, there it is again. *sigh*) on the way to the pit stop. BJ, squatting in the sun, can’t find squat in the sun, but his team avoids elimination because ~~they are too entertaining to boot~~ this is one of the pre-determined and damned (oops, sorry Yomamma; TOTALLY my bad) annoying non-elim legs. Phil: “Who will be eliminated next? And will Frankenberry ever get to have sex again?” Stay tuned, and cue the airplane/cloud thingy.

Commercials: You know, fast forwarding through these suckers produces some bizarre and disturbing mixtures. I think this one was about Catherine Zeta-Jones and Tom Selleck text-messaging the grass-drinking Bartles and James clones while taking their RV to dump the Travelocity gnome in the rainforest. Or something.

What did Jabreen me?
Back. Oh man, we’re staring in Oman at Jabreen Castle. BJ and Bear, as penalty for the non-elim, must continue the race without any money or worldly possessions. Yeah, that’ll hurt. Isn’t this sort of like forcing someone to go through life without their appendix? Or to make Jermneric give up their brains? Ray, his spine? Berry, his penis?

Phil wonders if Frankenberry will be able to maintain their lead. Berry muses that the other teams see them as real competitors now. They feel they’ve proven they have what it takes to finish this thing. This, in the first 20 seconds of the show, is enough to clue us in that these folks are buttered toast. (But Berry’s biscuit? not getting buttered)

Teams head to the airport, looking for a berth to Perth. Although this isn’t a scheduled detour, teams must choose to either leave money, or pretend to leave money in BJ and Bear’s car. Frankenberry choose to leave some. MoJo doesn’t want to give money to BJ; Mo would rather get money for a BJ.

They drive to Muscat, get stuck behind parade for King (directing traffic, left). After leaving some money for the hippies, Tokens say their arguing has gone from 1 –120 kilometers (kilometers? how unUhmercan of them). I of course would have gone for the simpler transportation metaphor to describe their relationship: trainwreck. They need to find the fun again in their relationship. Or, as T-Box would say, the funny. Very important in a relationship, the funny.

Jermneric give the hippies an IOU, once they figure out how to spell it. It’s a competition, they explain: just like getting into a girl’s pants, you gotta lie, cheat, steal. Or find someone stupid enough, like the Dani. (Let us pause a minute and remember the entertainment that was the Dani.) They think that even jackasses like them (not gonna lie; them’s their exact words) should be able to find the airport.

Everyone waits for King Caractacus to pass by. And his harem. And the fascinating witches, and the boys with the powder, etc. And if you actually GOT that, you must have attended the same lame camp as I growing up. My sincere sympathies.

Meanwhile, Team thirtysomething find the dough and vow revenge on the teams that left them with D’oh! They look forward to putting a few shrimp on the barbie. (Frankenberry? not getting the shrimp in the Barbie.)

Airport. And there is much parking, and milling, and ticket buying, and bunching. Back to the Hippies, and the hitchhiker they pick up along the way: Abdul the Bedouin. From the desert, in case you may have thought he was a Bedouin from England or something. (No joke: when my students read Oliver Twist one year, one of them kept referring to “that Arab Housekeeper.” I discreetly informed her that her NAME was MRS. Bedwin, not that she WAS a Bedouin. Yeah, that one was really paying attention as she listened to the movie.)

So anyway, Abdul. When he says he’s from the desert, BJ counters with “I’m from New Jersey.” (I’ll let our Estee-med readers from New Joisey insert any obvious jokes here.) BJ notes how much he, as an “American Bedouin,” has in common with Abdul, who ~~ponies~~ camels up for some traditional Bedouin food, Snickers and Fango juice, as they buy traditional Bedouin gas at the traditional Bedouin Kwik-E-Mart. They eschew the Muscat Love for some “Bedouin lovin,” or nose-kisses. (Frankenberry? Not getting some lovin’ in Bed-ouin—ok, I’ll stop now.)

Cut back to the Airport. And the bunching, and the boarding, and the stowing of backpacks, and the congratulating each other on the fact that Team thirtysomething will not make this flight. Just in case your irony meters are all turned off, they repeat the congratulating. No question about it. BJ and Bear will most definitely Not, under any circumstances, so help me Dog, one nation indivisible, forever and ever, Amen. Make. This. Flight.

Ok, so they make the flight. Sorry to give that away, I know you were all peeing your pants in suspense. But first, there is the matter of the traditional Bedouin commercials, after we find out that the T-mobile Play Hard, Get More team of week was BJ & Bear (Frankenberry? Not voted the Play More, Get Hard team. Ok, so I lied before about stopping. I’m in serious need of help, you all knew that. Anyway, commercials, again on fast-forward:)

Wes Anderson directs some saccharine Disney animals as they order Denny’s supreme bowl breakfast on their cellphones while sitting on Martha Stewart garden patio furniture and stopping bullets with numb3rs. Or something.

Hostel Takeover
And we’re back. With the boarding, and the gloating, and the fuming, and the gnashing of teeth. BJ and Bear work the cabin, begging for money and exclaiming their catchphrase, “T’Pau” or something like that. Teams land in Perth and head for the State War Memorial. Because if there’s one thing Aussies are known for, it’s their victories in war.

Jermneric arrive first and learn that they must head via ferry to Rottnest island, home of the famous Rott Ness monster. MoJo quickly follows and both retain their taxis for the ferry. Teams Token and thirtysomething decide to take a bus to the ferry, evidently not being aware that on this show, people who choose public transportation over a taxi end up getting screwed. Frankenberry, not looking to get screwed (oops, sorry), keep their taxi.

The 3 taxied teams arrive to find (what a surprise) that they’ve missed the last ferry of the day (not sure about the last fairy), so they head to a nearby hostel, where they’ll have to share rooms. “I get the bottom” exclaims one half of Jermneric (damn’d if I know which) to his hostel roommies, evidently forgetting about the lying and cheating foreplay. “Sweet!” mumbles Jo to Mo. Or maybe it was “Suite!”

Frankenberry gets the Pleasure Dome, and (not having read their Kubla Khan) wonder what that means, all the while bemoaning how much this race has ruined their sex-lives. And we all collectively bemoan how much that comment, and the images it conjures, has ruined ours. But you already know my thoughts on this matter. And I have to interject here that, having spent a part of my wayward youth backpacking across Europe, hostels are certainly NOT the place to find people inhibited about having sex. Just sayin, is all.

Barry's the one on the left, though his Stately Pleasure Dome is almost cropped out.

The bus teams find a nice discreet hotel where sex is allowed and uninhibited, and there was evening and there was morning a second day.

Ok. Ferry? boarded. Island? reached. Bikes? tandem. Destination? to the Lighthouse. Mrs. Ramsay? dead. (And that? has to be the pinnacle of obscure jokes. What can I say. I’m a bitter ex-grad student, and writing only feeds my aggression.) Various posturing by teams. Frankenberry compliment themselves on how fit they are for this task. They can feel this thing within their grasp. (Toast, I tells ya.) (And notice how I skipped the obvious joke about what ELSE has been in Berry’s grasp. My gift to you, fair readers.) After a couple of miles, Yomamma finally figures out that their bike isn’t a PushmePullu.

Detour. The real one this time. Sand? or Sea? Sand: teams get to drag some branches along a beach and slap them onto a pile. (Yes, folks, this task involves a beach slap.) Sea: Teams must retrieve two crayfish from traps, or dive trying.

Jermneric choose Sea, as do MoJo. Animosity continues between Hippies and MoJo, with the 4th reference to a possible Yield in 20 minutes. I swear, sometimes this show has all the subtlety of a jackhammer. Hippies, Frankenberry and Tokens choose Sand.

Somewhere between clue and beach, MoJo gets lost. We learn that Jo cannot drink water and listen to Mo bitch at the same time. And there is much yelling, and crying, and Jonathan’nVictorianing. Frats think they look amazing in their Speedos, despite the obvious shrinkage. Oops, my bad doods, didn’t notice you hadn’t entered the water yet.

thirtysomethings are dragging, joined by Frankenberry. Actual dialogue from this segment:
Fran: Ooooooh. It’s so hard!
Barry: Way to go, babe!
Barry: I’ll just drop my load here, while you head back.

Never thought I’d say this, but I guess these people do need to get laid. And soon.

Frats get their fish, shut their traps and head toward Freemantle prison, where, unfortunately, the only thing arrested will be their development. MoJo arrives at the beach, and our hopes rise (not code) that we’ll get to see another bikini shot of Mo. Alas, no, it’s a modest one-piecer, leaving us to merely ponder what might-have-been. Which is as good of an excuse as any to show this again:

BJ and Bear do great with brush thing (they brush with greatness?) and finish 2nd. MoJo get one fish. Unfortunately, hungry Aussie tells them they need two fish, then red fish, then blue fish. No soup for him, yet. Frankenberry finish, and Mo has an Annie Hall moment. She exercises her Dog-given Consitutional right to be scared of an underwater creepy crawlie, as we head to:

CSI, on the case to determine why Johnny Damon, after finishing his OreIda fries and whitening with Listerine, drove Jennifer Lovesher Hewitts in his Kia Sportage into a Wal-Mart, staffed by gnomes. Or something

Are you Jailin'?
And we’re back. MoJo done with fishing thing, Tokens done with brush thang, and everyone’s back on the bikes. Jermneric board the ~~fairy~~ ferry (ya know, Freud would have a field day with this show) back to Freemantle just before it leaves. Hippies discover next departing ferry goes to Hillarys, not Bills, er Freemantle; they decide to board and taxi from there, to get a jump on other teams. Frankenberry order taxi via phone, which ultimately will not come. (… . . . . . .). Nice shot of Mo’s legs on the tandem: you know, she might be half crazy, but she sure does look sweet on the seat of a bicycle built for two. (Now just try and get that song out of your head. Just try.) (And, for a bit of not totally unrelated trivia, I’ve actually met Doug Rain, who was the voice of HAL. I’ll give you a minute while you follow that random connection.) Last three teams all bunched on 2nd ferry to Freemantle.

Jermneric hoof it to prison. MoJo orders a taxi. thirtysomethings start riding from Hillarys, get stuck in traffic. Franknberry can’t get a ride. (again: ... . . . . . .) Faux suspense as we head to:

CSI again, this time after Ethyl and Julius, who ruin a wedding by spreading squeezable mayonnaise on Sara Evans while she eats KFC, all captured on a Duracelled penguincam. Or something.

Back to the Roadblock, which as we all know, only one team member can perform: search for cell containing a flashlight and Duracells. (The ‘Cell in the cell? You know, for product placement, even that’s pretty bad.) Then boat or hike through underground tunnels to find clue.

As the teams arrive there is much searching, and whining, and whistleassing. Jermneric (whichever one is searching) can’t find Division 4, division evidently not being his thing.
Also, not having the flashlight yet, his bulb isn’t burning that brightly, either, since it takes him a while to think of actually looking inside the prison. He finds the light, then searches for the end of the tunnel. Some choice dialogue:
Jermneric #1: Maybe this outhouse leads to the tunnel thingy. Let me just climb down into its basement and take a look.
Jermneric #2: Good thing we have a lead, because my partner is a dumbass.
Jermneric #1: None of these doors even has a key hole. You know that I can’t get entry if I can’t find the hole, right? (Again, I choose to eschew the Frankenberry joke. You’re welcome.)
He continues to struggle, maybe because he’s missing a key piece of the prison map he cryptically tattooed on his chest before his incarceration.

MoJo arrives, then BJ and Bear. Mo reminds Jo to use his finely honed reading skills on the clue. Tyler tries to cooperate with Jo, gets dissed. Jermneric finds tunnel, chooses wet route, but has so much fun paddling he misses every single clue, and returns to dry tunnels. Yomamma and Fran complete the set, so now everybody is in prison. Jermneric finds the clue, meets Jo on the way out. He tries to mislead Jo by telling him to canoe (thinking that it might be harder), but Jo foils this plan by remember to search for the clue as he paddles. Jermneric and MoJo now headed to pitstop: a breakwater rock outcropping about a mile away at the Freemantle Sailing Club. Jermneric, still in dumbass mode, decide to walk, while MoJo’s taxi is still waiting, with meter running.

Cue more faux suspense as we wonder which team will arrive first? It’s Jermneric by a couple of seconds. Phil tells them, in that horribly dubbed voiceover of his, that they’ve won a trip to some hotel and spa in Hong Kong. There is much rejoicing; someone needs to tell them that a facial doesn’t mean what they think it means. MoJo? gets bupkis (right).

Yomamma and Fran find light, Tyler and Yomamma find tunnel, with Fran close behind. (Berry? not close to Fran’s behind. Bet you thought I’d forgotten my run-into-the-ground bit, didn’tcha.) Tyler? out. Yomamma? out. Fran? out, hoping she’s not in last place. Jackhammer, I tells ya.

More taxiing, and hurrying, and red-lighting, and T'Pauing, and man-boobing. More faux suspense. thirtysomethings greeted by Phil, then Tokens.

Fran convinces herself she’s not gonna cry, as she heads sobbing to the mat. Phil: “I’m sorry to tell you you’ve been eliminated: But the good news is, you can now go back and have hot monkey sex to your hearts content.” Fran closes by saying that she sees old people holding hands and thinks, “that’ll be us in 30 years.” No, I actually think this will be you in 30 years.

After commercials ( Over the Hedge animals having Hot Monkey Sex with Catherine Zeta Jones, a Gorilla using Ask.com to find someone to have Hot Monkey sex with, and Cerie and Shane having Hot Monkey Sex on the next Survivor. Or something. Sorry, this Frankenberry thing has really gotten to me.) we get the “nexttimeonTARring,” but you don’t need that, since I’m egregiously late with this thing, and you can already read Dweeze's fine recap. Thanks for your patience, and as always, thanks for reading.

The Amazing Race NineEpisode Eight: The One With The Easily Telegraphed Non-Elimination

2006-04-20T15:55:00.000-04:00

By Dweeze

Previously on The Amazing Race: Wilbur is taken to the Zuckerman farm, where he will eventually be eaten. Charlotte the spider decides to help poor Wilbur by acting as if he can spell. Wilbur then saves the day by guiding the sheep through an award-winning performance at the border collie trials.

Wait. I may have mixed up some details there. And that certainly wasn’t The Amazing Race.

Previously on The Amazing Race: Eric and Jeremy went forward fast, BJ and Tyler went forward wrong, and Lake and Michelle went forward into the past. Or out of the race. Or both. Five teams are left – who will be eliminated next?

I can answer that one with relative certainty – no one, at least not tonight. We are seven episodes in, six teams are gone, and we have had no non-eliminations. An extended leg, yes. But a non-elim? No. We’ve got one coming tonight, I’d bet my, uhm, first season DVD set, on it.

Yes it’s predictable week here at Circle Of Industries, at least as far as the shows go. TAR is obviously a non-elim. The ending of this week’s Survivor has already been telegraphed in the promos. However, behind the scenes here at the Circle Of Compound, it’s been unpredictable. I wasn’t scheduled for any summaries this week, and now I am writing two. Yes, it’s double-dose of Dweeze week. Enjoy.

We open at the Fortress of Rion. She rings like a bell in the night, don’t you know. Eric and Jeremy are the first to leave, getting the clue that sends them to Muscat, Oman. You remember Muscat, don’t you? The Captain and Tenille sang about it.

Muscat Aziza, Muscat Faud
Do the Khaleegy down in Muscat land
And they shimmy
And Aziza’s so skinny

And they whirl and they twirl and raqs sharqi
Singing and playing rababa
Floating like the heavens above
Looks like Muscat love

But I digress. Everyone’s off to Oman, there to find a giant incense burner. The task is to find a giant stick of incense, place it in the burner, light it, and then smoke a giant doob while staring at a giant black light poster of the Keep On Trucking guy.

The clue also instructs our racers to go to a visitor’s center to sign up for one of two charter buses, either 9:00 am or 10:00 am. The frat boys get there first, and being the smart guys they are, sign up for the 9:00 am bus. In short order MoJo, RaYo, and FrBa arrive, also signing up for the first bus. Tyler and BJ are running way behind, however, and get to the visitors center as the first bus leaves. Though they yell at it to stop, it doesn’t. Kind of like with me and the Weasel Stepson. And with that, they are consigned to the

SECOND BUS OF DOOM!!!!!!!!!

The first bus arrives at the airport, and Fran and Barry are fist in line to get tickets. They get a flight to Oman that lands at 10:50 pm. Can you play spot the bunching? Can you say “giant incense burner” (or else store that sells giant incense stick) closed until 6:00/7:00/8:00 am? If you can’t, you haven’t been watching the show very much, have you?

The other teams arrive at the counter, and quickly book the same flight even though Fran and Barry made a point of not giving them any information.

Hello? I understand the Kimmah point of view that you shouldn’t be helping, but is it really such an advantage not to tell the people who are behind you in the queue at the ticket counter the time of the earliest flight? Is the ticket counter person not going to give them the exact same information in a minute? What are you achieving here?

We cut to the

SECOND BUS OF DOOM

where Tyler and BJ and the Bear are pretending that their fallen comrades are riding with them, once again displaying their vast knowledge of reality tv. If only they could throw their fallen comrades torches into the ocean! Oh well. They mock Lake and Michelle, say nice things about Dave and Lori, and insinuating that Dani and Danielle were dumb. Hard to believe, huh? They apparently have no words for the other three teams that fell, but who can blame them? I don’t remember them either.

BJ and the Bear and Tyler show up at the airport, going to the same counter as the other four teams. Although they ask what time the flight they are on gets in, the other four teams claim to not know. They then ask the booking agent, who tells them the earliest flight gets in at 10:50 but that it is full. The hippies then turn to the other four teams and say “Well, we found out what time your flight gets in – it’s 10:50.” The two are forced to take the

SECOND PLANE OF DOOM

which will not get in until 11:45 pm. Oh! The horrors!

So the flights take off, we get airplanes moving across a map, and we finally get teams arriving in Oman. Everyone comments on how pretty and clean it is, the cleanest place they have been. Take that you third world nations without mountainous oil revenues! The teams drive by a McDonald’s that looks like a temple, which seems strangely appropriate. And, as predicted, when they finally arrive at the giant incense burner, it is closed until morning. The teams all arrive and wait for morning.

Morning comes, the park opens, and everyone starts running. You know, I haven’t seen this many people running for an incense burner since that one time my Senior year in college when the cops knocked on the door. The teams get their next clue, which instructs them to go to Sur, with love, and find the ferry. They are given strict instructions, however, not to pay the ferry man. Indeed, they aren’t supposed to even fix a price until he gets them to the other side.

It’s a long and winding road to Sur, with love, and one that takes them through several flooded areas. Along the way the lead changes hands several times, mostly due to the fact that the people in front didn’t want to be in front. In other words, after the lack of information sharing in the airport, everyone decides to be polite. Or just to follow someone else. This behavior continues through the flooded areas, as teams allow others to go first in the hope that they will get stuck.

We get to the cluebox at the ferry. Tyler and the Bear and BJ, Fran and Barry, and MoJo get there at about the same time. The clue tells them that they are at tonight’s detour. Sing along with me, boys and girls!

A detour is a choice between two tasks
Between two tasks
Between two tasks
A detour is a choice between two tasks
Each with its own pros and cons!

Our detour choices are Camel or Watchtower. In Camel, teams have to smoke an entire carton of Camels in under fifteen minutes. If they are unable to do so, they have to start over. In Watchtower, teams are required to distribute Jehovah’s Witness literature for an hour.

Wait.

I’m thinking of something else.

In Camel, teams are required to lift a camel, place it in the back of a pick-up, and drive it to a Bedouin camp. In Watchtower, teams are required to sing the Dylan classic, I mean, search three nearby watchtowers until the find a scroll that will give them mystical powers. Or at least that they can trade with a man in a shop for a clue.

Now, everyone knows the first rule of detours is, when given a choice between carrying and finding, always choose carrying. And that was my first inclination here. However, there are some mitigating factors. First, the watchtowers are nearby, the camel loaders are a short walk away. Second, when you are finished with the watchtowers, you are still near the ferry. The camel tasks requires you to drive a distance away to deliver the camel. Finally, you can only cross back to your car when the ferry returns. This might be the rare exception where find makes more sense than carry.

The Bear, Tyler, and BJ, along with Fran and Barry and MoJo, cross the water on the ferry and then set off for the watchtowers. MoJo go to the first watchtower, the other two teams head towards the second. Meanwhile, Eric and Jeremy have crossed and headed off to raise the camel.

No, that’s not code.

There is no scroll in the first watchtower. Tyler and BJ and the Bear find one in the second, then tell Fran and Barry that there is another one inside. They also tell MoJo that there were only two scrolls in the second watchtower, meaning the remaining scrolls must be in the watchtower that seems about a mile away. BJ, the Bear, and Tyler, along with Fran and Barry, head back to the ferry stop.

MoJo stop to contemplate abandoning the watchtower task and doing the camel task.

Now, let’s think about this. At this point, they are about halfway between the watchtower and the ferry stop. There is, without a doubt, a scroll in the next watchtower. The distance to that watchtower is less than the distance back to the ferry stop plus the distance to the camel task. Given that, the logical thing to do would be to continue on to the watchtower, eschewing the camel task. At that point and at that distance, they are pot-committed to the watchtower task.

MoJo of course decide to give up watchtower and go to camel.

Meanwhile, back at the camel task, Eric and Jeremy have succeeding in lifting the camel and placing it in the truck.

No, that’s not code.

They set off looking for the Bedouin camp, not noticing as they drive right past their turn.

The first two teams have gotten to the ferry stop, crossed back over, and are heading to the shop to drop off the scroll. As they are driving, BJ shows a sketch he did of a camel. They get to the shop, turn in the scroll, and get a clue telling them to drive 80 miles to the village of Al Howareya.

MoJo are doing the camel task; well, Jo is doing the camel task. Mo is standing around cooing sweet nothings to the camel. As they drive off, they begin bickering again about whether or not they are lost. Mo things they are, Jo things they aren’t, a viewpoint proven correct when he finds the camp. Mo tells the camel they found it’s home, like there was no way the camel was getting there without them. As they drive back to the ferry with their clue, they see Eric and Jeremy off-roading in the distance. We go to commercial with the frat boys bemoaning the fact that they will probably end up dehydrated and dead in the desert. If the prospect of that doesn’t bring viewers back from commercial, I don’t know what will.

Commercial time, many national, a local one for Junge Motors. Now, as many of you know, I’ve gotten out of the summarizing commercials gig. Quite frankly, there are others who do it much better. I’m only mentioning Junge Motors because the bastards and I have a history.

It was late-2002. I got a call from a contact on the inside. Junge was looking to do some commercials for their used car dealership, and was I interested? Of course I said, what’s the part? Well, my contact explained, they are going for humor. Over the top humor. They want a sleazy used car salesman and a goofy mechanic. Sounds good, I said – I can play goofy. No, my contact explained. They had Mateo lined up for the goofy mechanic. We were thinking of you as the sleazy salesman. I paused, thinking. Well, sleazy is a stretch, but I can see it. I can see it. Good, my contact said, and proceeded to give me time and place details.

Well, we shot the commercials. Five of them, all with different themes. I’ve got the tape, and they are great. Hilarious. Peabody-award winning stuff. They ran a couple of times, and I got a lot of feedback from people who saw them.

And then they got pulled.

Pulled!

Mr. Junge himself finally saw one, and he thought they were stupid, not funny. Everyone tried to argue otherwise with him, but he was the owner and the commercials were yanked.

Bastards.

(I later shot a couple of commercials for Royal Flush Plumbing that ran for a good long time. But that’s a story for another day.)

Back from break, we find Eric and Jeremy discovering the Bedouin camp and delivering the camel. As they make their way back to the ferry, they see Ray and Yolanda (remember them? they were in the episode when it started) crossing the ferry and making their way to the camel. They quickly finish the task, get their clue, and head off. At this point everyone is going to Al Howareya.

The BJ and Tyler and Bear, along with Fran and Barry, reach the next clue stand first. It’s roadblock time! The clue asks who is willing to dig for food. There are 117 sand mounds, six of which contain a shuwa, which is lamb wrapped in palm leaves and placed in an underground oven pit.

Shuwa it is.

Anyway, the task is to dig up a shuwa, take it to the man standing beside the sand mounds, and get their next clue. They are to keep the shuwa with them, because it is supper.

It was Chekov (Anton, not Ensign) who said that if you see a gun in the first act, you have to make sure it fires in the third act. Similarly, if you say in the third segment that you need to carry your shuwa because it is your supper, you expect that something happens involving the shuwa, or some team forgetting the shuwa, in the fourth segment. You would expect that, but you would be wrong. Maybe next week we’ll open with the teams eating their shuwas. Maybe, but I doubt it.

BJ and the Barry head out to find a shuwa. These two teams are quickly joined by MoJo, who are shocked that they aren’t first at the task.

Yeah, when you last saw them they had completed their detour task and were heading back across the water. When you got back across the water, their vehicles were gone. I can see why you would be surprised they beat you there.

Mo heads out to dig, quickly getting dirty and starting to complain. Jo tells her to just dig. As the opinion of Mo everywhere starts to head south, let me remind you of this:

Eric and Jeremy arrive, and Eric takes to the sand mounds. Barry is the first to find a shuwa, but he has trouble digging it out. I was going to say he had trouble getting it up, but that seemed like a cheap joke even by my standards. Mo also finds a shuwa, and is able to dig it out quicker than Barry. I was going to say her vast experience in using her hands to get things up gave her an advantage over Barry, but figured if I didn’t make the first cheap joke, I shouldn’t make that one.

Meanwhile, Jeremy is standing by a camel cheering Eric on. The camel lets out a long, low moan, to which Jeremy replies “I don’t need any of your lip.” These guys can be funny when they try.

Mo takes her shuwa to the clue man, who hands her a clue. She reads that they need to make their way to the next pit stop at Jabreen Castle. It is a 150 mile trip, and the last team to arrive may be eliminated.

Like there’s a chance that will happen.

Barry gets his shuwa on, and he and Fran get their clue. So does Eric. Tyler, meanwhile, is getting frustrated. Tyler tries to encourage him, but BJ simply mutters about how Tyker got to do all the cool roadblocks and he’s had to do the tough roadblocks. I would agree with him, but one of the tough roadblocks he cites was the looking under gnomes roadblock. Dude. That was the simplest roadblock of all time. You didn’t have to dig, and you could tell where the other teams had looked because there was a gnome lying on the ground. In the shuwa roadblock, there might still be some lamb under a mound someone else dug at, they just didn’t dig deep enough.

Cut to Ray and Yolanda (remember them? they are in the show) in the car, coming to the roadblock. They are still bickering about something that started the day before. Ray denies being stressed, denies swearing at Yolanda. She asks why he is quiet and he says he is just driving Miss Daisy. They get to the roadblock, which Yolanda does, probably because of the “each team member must perform x number of roadblocks” rule, otherwise known as the Chip and Kim rule. As she enters the field of battle, Ray tells her get a pattern going. Yolanda mutters under her breath, in words so soft the editors caption them, “Your momma got a pattern going.”

That’s the great thing about “Your momma” jokes. They don’t have to have any sense or meaning to them.

Anyway, Yolanda quickly finds a shuwa, and we go to commercial with the feeling that BJ, the Bear, and Tyler may go Lena and Kristy on us.

Pardon me while I rant.

The best thing about TAR is that, alone among the major reality contest shows, the winner of TAR is determined by first and foremost ability. Sure, luck plays a role, but as Einstein once said, chance favors the prepared mind. You have to be in position to take advantage of lucky breaks. Sure, there is a team every year that makes it to final five or four purely by taking advantage of the miscues of others (I’m looking at you, Meredith and Gretchen), but the team that races the best throughout the race is almost always among the top three teams and the team that wins is almost always among the best teams in the race. There is no tribal council, no voting by phone, no CEO making choices deciding who goes home.

Which is why roadblocks like this suck so much. They are entirely dependent on luck, on hitting the right spot, and not at all dependent on skill. They certainly shouldn’t be used in elimination legs, and probably not used at all. Less than 5% of the mounds have a shuwa in them – the odds of hitting one quickly are astronomical. So why penalize a team who doesn’t hit the lottery?

But, again, I digress.

After commercial, BJ quickly finds a shuwa. They get their clue and take off. Meanwhile, MoJo and Fran and Barry find the town where the castle is located. MoJo pull off to get quick directions, while Fran and Barry drive straight ahead, resulting in them taking first place, much to their delight. MoJo come to the mat shortly after them, with a look that, well. If you didn’t have the sound up, and had just tuned in, you would have thought that Phil told them they were eliminated. Hell, I don’t think they could have looked more pissed if they HAD been eliminated.

We cut back to Eric and Jeremy, deciding to take a short cut to the castle. They then proceed to get hopelessly lost. As they struggle, Ray and Yolanda arrive at the castle and come in third. In confessional afterwards, Yolanda said her main goal entering the race was to have fun. She complains that she is not having fun. Hey! You got a Yo’ Momma joke on network television! What else do you want?

We have a bad attempt at ratcheting up the tension and making it seem that BJ and the Tyler and Bear can catch Eric and Jeremy, but they don’t. The frat boys take fourth, and get lectured by Phil about being overconfident. At least that’s how I took it. When the BJ and Bear and Tyler come to the mat, they are doing the obligatory put-all-clothes-on-in-case-of-non-elimination-round, and Phil doesn’t disappoint them. He tells them they are last (loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnggggggggggggggg pppppppppppppaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuusssssssssssssssseeeeeeee) but he is happy to say they are still in the race. They hand over their money and the possessions they don’t have on, but remain in good spirits. They say that without their possessions holding them back they will surprise the other teams. And with that, we fade out into the Oman night, ready to race again next week.

Next on The Amazing Race: The teams go to Australia, do some tasks, and then get stranded when their Oceanic flight out of Sydney crashes. I look forward to it!

Episode 7: Wherein We Zoom, Zoom, Zoom Into The LakeFeaturing the Bridge at Rion

2006-04-17T22:10:00.000-04:00

By TechNoir

Before we consider this week on The Amazing Race, let us take a moment to mourn our favorite ever contestants, the Nerds. Lori Willems and David Spiker were charming. They were consistently kind and respectful to each other and everyone else, they always took time to notice their surroundings, and even when things weren't going well, still took time to support each other and enjoy the experience. I am very sorry to see them go.

If you want more of them, you can hear some of David's music where he is the lead singer with Rustabank. It's Ska. I'm afraid that I don't know which Pizza Hut Lori works at but there are only four in Manhattan KS proper if you want to go on a quest.

Last Week on TAR

Ilse told you. If you missed it, this is the time to rectify that oversight.

Editorial Remarks

Of late the camera work, typically excellent, has degraded into a morass of panning and zoom zoom zoom at every opportunity. I'm seasick, and I am never seasick on the water. They should get rid of these faux artistes who apparently just got out of school and pick up some old guys who have been lugging cameras forever. They would be less taken with their own cleverness and more inclined to just take the damn picture. I'm done now.

No, no I'm not done. That Travelocity gnome was clever the first time or two. Kudos to the ad agency and all that. But for crying out loud. It isn't the Taco Bell dog. Remember? Yo quiero Taco Bell! I have proof, empirical evidence of this. Gaze upon the results of a Google Fight between them. It's time to kill the gnome.

OK, OK, Sooner Or Later I Have To Summarize The Show

Our teams leave Siracusa, Italy in the middle of the night with instructions to take a train to Rome, Italy. (Good that the clue is clear so that they won't be tempted to take a train to Rome, New York.) They must find the Trevi fountain and nearby the man on the red and yellow Vespa. Unfortunately the man on the scooter is the best looking person in the entire episode. He disappears much too quickly.

BJ or Tyler -- I can't tell them apart and neither of them looks like a BJ -- drones on explaining some great philosophical approach to trudging across Europe under trying circumstances. Phil is absent so his mammaries are of no interest at the moment. Monica jumps up and down with excitement, displaying one of her three emotions -- excitement, hysteria, and mourning. Some of you may take interest in her bouncing funbags. She thinks that the inside of the SUV smells like dead fish. Ray says they have to play the game from the bottom up. We are treated to various additional confessionals, all dreadful. Lake takes advantage of the walk to their vehicle to rail, yell, and accuse his partner who is apparently named Bitch. More yakking ensues. They arrive at the train station and we encounter a classic TAR session of bunching. The frat boys think Lake is bipolar. I think that is much too kind.

Rome, Italy

They arrive in the train station in Rome and need to find the Trevi Fountain. This small tourist attraction was made famous by a dreadful movie entitled Three Coins in the Fountain, a hymn to the fifties wherein three secretaries try to Find Love. They each toss a coin in this wretchedly ugly fountain while making a wish. Don’t bother to watch it.

A close-up of the fountain, at left, provides ample evidence that Bruck really is mocking us and that he knows this show blows. The frat boys arrive first. Now that their temporary paramours were ejected and they are no longer getting laid, they seem to have put their energy into the race. Monica has wanted to go to the fountain for Her Entire Life. It is so nice to see lifelong wishes fulfilled.

From the Trevi Fountain they go to the Spanish Steps were we find the most egregious example of product placement ever. They have part of DaVinci's Vitruvian Man in a black leather portfolio. BJ and Tyler, unable to pronounce ‘vitruvian’ decide that it is DaVinci’s naked man.

The racers must find the other half of the picture and ‘break the code’ which is about as difficult as the code in The DaVinci Code where they practically told you how to break the code on the cover of the book. This is all “in honor of” the opening of the movie which, I believe Phil refers to as a film. I’m inclined to quibble. Oh and when they crack the code it says “You cracked the code.” I love the subtlety.

The Old Folks manage to find the fountain without passing it seven or eight times. Practice seems to be serving them well. Lake gives orders. The frat boys manage to turn over one of the two pieces of paper and read the semi-cursive below. They note that they must bring the picture and the portfolio with them to the pit stop. They speak these words aloud.

Athens, Greece

The teams fly to Athens and we are finally treated to the fabulous scenery that, for me, makes watching these losers week after week somewhat tolerable. At least we aren’t driving SUVs around familiar roads in the US week after week after week after … Ok, I’ll get a grip.

The next clue will be found at the Agora, another of those horrid foreign words that the racers must figure out how to say. (They have already mastered airporta.) Surprise! Airport bunching. They get in cabs, out of cabs, buy tickets, and fly to Athens. (Greece, of course.) Monica says “We’re grateful to be here. This is where thinking began. The great philosophers are all from here.” I bow to her intellect, to her effort to prove that she has a brain. Yolanda, the heretic, says of Monica “I’m not sure there is a lot going on there.” For shame!!

I’m sure it will come as a great surprise to you when I tell you that the Agora is closed in the middle of the night. For those of you planning to travel in that direction, though, it is lighted by night and very beautiful. Oh yes. By the time it opens at eight our racers are once again bunched, this time standing in pouring rain.

There is a Fast Forward. Because I am certain you have no idea what a Fast Forward is after nine seasons of this show I will let Phil, who is wearing a drapey dark red shirt that nicely shows off his man-boobs, tell you.

(Recently I was minding my own business, driving somewhere or another listening to the radio, as is my custom, and on came some discussion of man boobs or gynecomastia. This was both disconcerting and oddly fascinating in that staring-at-the-blood-flowing-from-the-wrecked-truck-on-the-freeway sort of way. They explained that *SCREAM* 60% of men have man boobs. Who knew? And they often do breast reduction surgery for it, especially in thin men. I won’t go into detail about the puffy nipples part because I’m still grossed out about that. But, do you think we should tell Phil?)

Oh yes, the Fast Forward. “This is first of only two Fast Forwards hidden on the entire race. The first team that finds it and completes it can skip all tasks and go directly to the pit stop. Each team can use a Fast Forward only once during the race so they need to decide when it is most advantageous to go for it.”

They must go to a nearby restaurant and engage in the traditional Greek way of warding off evil spirits – plate breaking. Isn’t this a terrific tradition? I am going to yard sales this weekend to find inexpensive plates to take to work. I intend to pile them up on my desk and when folks come in with things that suggest bad karma, I will smash them in the corner one by one. I am so looking forward to it. And who said The Race isn’t educational?

The frat boys win the Fast Forward ensuring that they will be the first to arrive at the pit stop. We fear for them, though. With all of the foreshadowing back at the instructions to take the vitruvian man along …. At least they will have time for some drop dead gorgeous scenery along the way to the pit stop at the Fortress of Rion. It is a shame that they don't have some local talent to spend time their spare time with.

The other teams go from the Agora to Corinth by train to the clue at the train station. Monica exhibits one of her three emotions – the whining one. And we go to

Commercials. I know you are accustomed to a rendition of the capitalism here, but I just can’t take it any more. I tried my little chickpeas, but when I got to some damn advertisement for depression I found I was too depressed to go on. I had depression, thoughts of suicide. Depression hurts. I decided that instead of telling my doctor, I’d tell you. If you want cell phone service or lunch at the Olive Garden or shoes from Payless, be my guest. Eating ice cream and cheese makes you skinny. I’m so confused. I’m going to put a cool compress on my forehead and wait until the race resumes.

The teams continue while Monica cries. Joseph lectures her and the tears continue to roll down her cheeks. "When I get upset, it's what I do. I cry all the time," clues Monica. There is much confusion with some getting on the train, some getting off of the train and onto busses, and some getting on busses. Of course they were told to take the TRAIN to the TRAIN station, but that detail seems lost on some. I can’t bear their idiocy so I’ll look at the scenery. TJ has thoughtfully provided some clips so that I might share the scenery and the lovely clear water with you. BJ and Tyler take the time to look out of the train window and notice their surroundings. There hasn't been much of that since The Nerds left.

Barry natters about time and who took what train while his "Married 40 Years" wife wrings her hands. She does that a lot. I must admit that they are supremely well suited to one another. Flip to Lake. (Excuse me, those of you who have Southern accents, but the accent only makes his abusiveness seem worse. He is not doing a good job of representin'.)

Ok I need to explain what happened, much as I want to blow it off. Lake and Michelle, Ray and Yolanda, and BJ and Tyler get off of the train at the Corinth Station instead of the Isthmos Station. An attendant suggests they take a bus to the correct station, which they do. FORESHADOWING: Michelle wonders if taking the bus will be a problem but Mr. Knowitall snaps at her, as usual. They find the correct station because someone figures out that the RR stands for railroad, then they find the cluebox at the train station. And in the cluebox they find that the next task is

A Roadblock

Phil, who has the amazing ability to say the same words in the same way show after show, season after season, explains to us “A roadblock is a task only one person may perform.” Aren’t you surprised? He is surrounded by rigging that distracts the eye from his manboobs.

This is actually a rather wretched task. The doer walks out on scaffolding and bungee jumps 240 feet down into a canal that looks like the sides are lined with stone. In the photo at right you can see the scaffolding at the center bottom of the bridge. Most of the divers just go, typically screaming that John Wayne I'm Gonna Kill All The Indians scream all the way down. Tyler seems to think he is on an acid trip. Of course in his life I expect that is indistinguishable from everyday life.

Most of the racers just bite the bullet and, with more or less trepidation, take off in a poor imitation of a swan dive. Fran, however, decided to do her delicate old lady who is afraid bit. And the editors seem to believe that extended footage of Fran repeating “Oh my God” and “I’m so scared.” Just as it appears that she may or may not jump, we go to commercials. Which I can’t bear to do for you. I have no idea who thought this would be suspenseful television, but he or she should be immediately removed and sentenced to edit Smurfs footage for eternity.

Of course we return from the extended Break Of Hawking Unneeded Items only to have the pleasure of seeing those fearful shouts again. After all, we might have forgotten “Oh my God” that Fran is “so scared.” Surprise! She jumps, all anti-climactic like.

The Detour

Here I thought we were going to get to see more of Greece, but nooooo. Instead we are treated to a detour. Both events take place in the same area, an ancient Olympian stadium to which the racers must drive. It’s All Greek To Me has the team search for 9 pieces of pottery marked with Greek letters, get help translating them, then figure out the anagram that spells a location on a map. It sounds worse than it is. Herculean Effort has a team member throwing a discus a competitive distance, the other tossing a javelin a competitive distance, then both trying to fell an “Olympic” wrestler, pushing him outside a 20’ circle.

On the drive Michelle discovers that the map she has acquired is written in -- surprise -- Greek. Lake takes this discovery with his usual equanimity, shrieking, swearing, abusing Michelle, and smashing things about. "Damnit, don't be an idiot right now," he says. "Don't be crazy now. If you're gonna fall apart when the pressure gets tough." Michelle will defend him later on, as usual. They go into a shop and she asks for directions because, of course, he won't.

Ray and Yolanda handle the Herculean Effort with ease – well except for the part where Ray can’t master the javelin and Yolanda keeps explaining to him how to throw sidearm -- while BJ and Tyler get lost. Michelle and Lake fight over where they are going as Joseph and Monica complete the Herculean Effort.

I must take a moment here to point out that the ancient Olympics took place with the contestants in the nude. The diaper on the wrestler wasn't even a good imitation of sumo. There is little enough reason to watch this show, but when I am teased like that I get angry. And they don't want me angry.

Meanwhile Eric and Jeremy. having won the Fast Forward, are the first to arrive at the Fortress at Rion. Phil asks if they have brought “Leonardo DaVinci’s vitruvian man.” Of course they have whereupon they are awarded a trip to the theatrical premier of The DaVinci Code, their “first red carpet event.” The boys from Florida get a trip to Hollywood to see Tom Hanks with a bad hairdo. This was not their finest moment.

Fran and Barry find the puzzle pieces easily while Lake tells Michelle what a good job she did ??!?!!?? They arrive and find puzzle pieces too. BJ and Tyler remain lost. A brief trip to a gas station reveals that they are an hour out in the wrong direction while we have a suspenseful cut to

Commercials: I am certain you will be shocked when I tell you that they include The DaVinci Code, the movie and Travelocity. Please feel free to imagine other commercials of your choosing.

BJ and Tyler, convinced that they are two hours behind, hope that this is a non-elimination round. Amazingly enough, Fran and Barry solve the puzzle using reason to find the correct place-name on the map. Michelle mentions it to Lake, saying “They’re just better than us,” whereupon Lake elegantly tells her “Shut up!” Monica and Joseph complete their task whereupon Phil introduces us (again) to the pit stop at the Fortress of Rion. We are particularly fortunate because Phil is wearing a suede jacket, unbuttoned, that barely skims his manboobs, hiding them nicely.

The Race to Rion

Amidst the usual confusion racing to cars and trying to find their way, Barry manages to back the SUV into a teeny tree, totally destroying the back window. “I didn’t see it,” he says casually, revealing the enduring secret of his 40 year marriage to Fran, the hysteric. He must have the worlds largest stash of Prozac.

BJ and Tyler finally arrive at the stadium, completing their task while Michelle and Lake, swearing and shrieking all the way, seem to be lost. Of course with them it is hard to tell. Lake would have the same reaction if he were 10 feet from his destination. Monica asks directions nicely.

Aside: I must mention this terrific bridge at Rion. Apparently it is quite new, having been built for the Olympics. The contrast between the modern bridge and the ancient fortress is quite striking. I won’t bore you with my travelogue much longer. Instead I’ll leave you with a shot of it lit in blue at dusk.

And They Arrive

Second Ray and Yolanda but remember that foreshadowing? They are penalized for 15 minutes because they took the bus to the train station instead of travelling all of the way by train. They have to wait while others arive until their time is up. Joseph and Monica are officially team number two. Ray and Yolanda are checked in after serving their time.

Fran and Barry arrive in the dark in the rain. Team number four. BJ and Tyler arrive ready to be last. First they are elated. Then they too have to do a 15 minute penalty. Which is up before anyone else arrives. Tyler (I think) or maybe it is BJ kisses Phil. For some reason Phil doesn't seem to get the full measure of pleasure from the experience.

Lake and Michelle arrive. Phil is sorry to tell them that they have been eliminated from the race. Lake flips from sad to comforting the crying Michelle. "That's ok babe. You did good," he assures her. He went on and on about how good she did, how well they got along during the race. And I walk away from this episode having stared in the face of true, total insanity in the form of Lake.

I leave you with the bridge. And a huge thank you to TJ for the pics. You'll have to tune in next week to see what happens then.

TAR 9, Episode Six: Geek, InterruptedorGargling at the Fountain of Knowledge

2006-04-10T10:09:00.000-04:00

By ilse

Previously, on The Assholes, Revisited...

Well, normally in this spot, you’d get a brief recap of last week’s show, in case you had something better to do during that time, like snake the bathtub drain, or have a wart removed, or stare at the wall until the voices in your head stop screaming at you. Although as much as this show sucks this season, those would all be pretty much lateral moves.

No, this week, we get an overview of the entire show to date. This is the network’s attempt to draw people in who would normally be tuning in to watch something else in this time slot, because CBS switched TAR from Tuesdays at 10 (which is already an hour later than it was last season) to Wednesdays at 8. What the hell?

See, there’s this new, gritty show called “The Unit” that they want so badly to succeed they’re putting it on between two acronymic crime dramas (NCIS and CSI) and hoping the Nielsen families mistake it for porn. And they really want “Criminal Minds,” the offal in the 9 o’clock Wednesday slot, to attract a larger audience, so they’re moving their Emmy-winning, loyally-watched reality show (no, the one with Phil) to Humpday, and hoping that people are too stupid or lazy to operate their remotes. Or that viewers can forget Mandy Patinkin as either the Elmo in Grouchland villain with the Andy Rooney eyebrows, or Inigo Montoya. Which I can’t. But then, I do have to be at least a little grateful; I was going to be truly saddened if I had to abandon the Lady Terps playing Dook in the NCAA National Championship game so I could watch this dreck.

And dreck it is, dreck on parade, beginning in Colorado, then flying to Brazil, eliminating first The Happy Boys (“You say ‘in the closet’ like it’s a BAD thing”) and then the Saggy Old Broads (I’d suggest they act their age, but that would involve them holding very, very still in a six-foot-long box, and we don’t want Dweezil getting all excited this early in the summary). The teams moved on to Russia, then to Germany, saying good bye to the single mom/future single mom team, who were so stupid their fingers and toes were numbered (English on one hand, Spanish on the other). Italy was the next stop, and we joyfully witnessed the demise of the girls my co-workers refer to as “The Boobthings”, who dress like they shop at the Stupid Spoiled Whore Emporium. I’d really like to smack the crap out of them if I didn’t think it would fill up a room.

We begin with panoramic views of Sicily, and zoom in on an area called Segesta, which we are told was destroyed by the Vandals 2300 years ago, and although I’m not all that comfortable doing math without my printing calculator, that seems to me to come out to 300 B.C. Which is funny, because my history degree (and my world history book) tells me that the Vandals were an East Germanic tribe who invaded Sicily in the middle of the 5th century A.D. But what’s 750 years among friends? I mean, it’s not like the difference between the Magna Carta and the moon landing...oh, wait, yes it is.

This is the Pit Stop, from which the remaining teams will leave. The first ones to depart are BJ & Tyler (The Bear was unavailable, still doing promo tours for his sweet gig in King Kong), the Haight-Ashbury Summer o’ Love (Yes, Goth, I did nearly spell that with one ‘m’) wannabees. Please note their resemblance to the contemptible Ethan Zohn and the quirky Spin Doctors front man, Chris Barron, respectively.

The first leg of their trip is to Catania, a city all the way on the east coast of Sicily (from an official Sicilian tourism site: “Catania is certainly worth seeing -- at least for a brief visit.” Now THAT’s a glowing recommendation. Screw Disneyworld, kids...we’re going to Catania!). They’ll find their next clue in the ruins of an old Roman amphitheater. Jeez, how hard could that be? I mean, there must be one on every corner; they were like the Starbucks of the ancient world.

Cultural note: The patron saint of Catania is St. Agatha. According to a Catholic website about patron saints, the standard representation for Agatha is a “virgin martyr wearing a veil and bearing her severed breasts on a silver platter.” She’s the patron saint of wet nurses, volcanic eruptions, and jewelers, and there’s a pearl necklace joke in there somewhere, but I’m certainly way too much of a proper lady to mention it.

However, in recognition of Holy Week (Hosanna, Hosannadanna), I will include other patron saint references throughout, where appropriate (or not). So, technically, by reading this, you will have fulfilled your religious obligations for the week, and can take Easter Sunday off to stuff your face with candy and read “Me Talk Pretty One Day.” I mean, come on -- isn’t that what Easter’s all about?

And now, back to our program, already in progress.

The Hippies, in confessional: We’re ahead of the frat boys, but we totally need to extend our lead. I mean, they’re really, really, really, really dumb, but that’s only one more “really” than us. No, look, there they are behind us! No, like, right behind us, man! It’s totally freaking me out! Oh, my god, this is some good shit. Pass the Cheetos.

They stop to pet a stray dog (Patron Saint of mad dogs: St. Sithney, who was called by God to be the patron saint of girls seeking husbands, and begged off, saying he preferred his crazy bitches to have four legs), then hop in a waiting marked car. They easily find Catania on a map and plot a course to get there. The course includes a brief stop-off for rolling papers and Slurpees.

Back at the Pit Stop, the Frat Boys are ready to leave, because someone left their cage open.

The Frat Boys, in confessional: We’re learning as we go. Which is good, because if we kept getting stupider, someone would have to water us twice a week.

They have a map, and they think this gives them “a huge advantage.” Unfortunately, their map looks like this:

Remember: Map good. No map, bad. See? They’re learning! Next on the agenda: what bears do in the woods.

Speaking of purposeless pieces of crap, next up is HoJo.

Ho, in confessional: I’ve learned a lot about myself during the race. Like, before this, my ambition in life was to be a Hooters girl. But now, I want to be a Hooters HOSTESS. It’s this kind of motivation and inner strength that prove that I’m an asset.

She’s off by two letters, of course. So sad...a body that won’t quit and a brain that won’t start.

They don’t have a map (remember: no map, bad). They stop a stranger on the side of the road, who not only shows them where Catania is, but gives them his map (map good). HoJo are stunned at this turn of events.

Jo: No way in America am I stopping at 5 o’clock in the morning for strange people asking me for directions -- I might get murdered.

First of all, it wouldn’t take as much motivation as you think. Second of all, you’re in Sicily. Did you not see The Godfather? Don’t stop at any toll booths. (Patron Saint of protection against gunshots: St. Barbara. .)

The next to leave is Team FrankenBarry (I just love that...but does that make Ray and Yolanda Count Chocula?). Barry waxes nostalgic on being a Vietnam vet, and says that he and Fran thought that the war would tear them apart, but really, it was that commie bitch Jane Fonda. We’re not sure how this relates to the race. They have a tour book. It is unclear whether this is good or bad, in comparison to having a map.

The Hippies have arrived in Catania, and follow a taxi driver to the amphitheater. They run to the iron gates, only to find them closed, with a sign stating that the amphitheater opens at 8:30 a.m. We prepare to witness The Bunching, a time-honored TAR tradition: no matter how large a lead the first couple of teams have, there will be at least one spot like this one that allows the teams in the back to catch up.

Beej, who seems, unlike most TAR contestants, to have actually watched the show once or twice, recognizes this as the designated Bunching spot. Ever the cutup, he makes a little notebook-paper sign-in sheet, mocking the Bunching, and places it above the “open at 8:30” sign on the gates. Take one step forward if you think no one would ever be fooled into thinking the crumpled bit of paper has anything to do with the Race...not so fast, Frat Boys.

Back at the Pit Stop (yes, there are teams still leaving), we see Lake & Michelle, who miscount their money, and whine, and are generally horrid and passive-aggressive to each other (Patron Saint of difficult marriages and verbal abuse: St. Monica).

Lake, in confessional: She needs to shut up. She’s always nagging me about not listening...or some shit like that, I don’t know.

Close on their heels (although we don’t really have any idea) is Dave & Lori, the Wonder Geeks. You know what’s funny? I just Googled “+geeks +’in love’” and the #5 link was Dave & Lori. How cool is that? (Further aside: the #3 link is entitled “The Joy of Tech,” which I think is a site dedicated to knitting gags for insufferable morons.) The Geeks want to stay positive and “keep on truckin,” although I fail to see how either Robert Crumb or Jerry Garcia is going to help them, here.

And, finally, Ray & Yolanda. They look very tired, but Yolanda is near-bubbly with wuv.

Yolanda, in confessional: I love him more watching him in the race. He’s strong, he’s smart, and he’s FINE. He climbs things, and lifts things, and drives, and he exudes manliness from every manly pore in his manly body.

I think we know what they spent their time doing during the “mandatory rest period.”

They ask directions from a Danny Aiello lookalike. However, they still do not have a map, and as we know, no map, bad.

Catania awakens from its slumber. Old pruney women open shops, old drunk men look for a pickup bocci ball game...Christ, isn’t anyone in Catania under 75? Oh, there they are, both of them, sucking face on a park bench. They better hurry up and get bizzay if they’re going to repopulate the island.

The Frat Boys find the amphitheater and discover the sign-in sheet. They sign it. A local walks up with a petition to outlaw nude beaches, and they sign it. A Scientologist walks up with a donation pledge form for $5,000, and they sign it. They are presented with a petition to allow fishermen to use live puppies as shark bait, and they sign it. Suddenly, the 15 watt bulbs over their head fade in, and they question the authenticity of the sign-in sheet. They actually debate about it for a couple of minutes before the Hippies take pity on them and let them in in the joke. Outwitted by Hippies...not something to put on one’s resume. (Patron Saint of state schools: St. Martin de Porres, who also happens to be the first African-American saint.)

FrankenBarry have arrived in Catania...sort of. They’re lost. From the grafitti, it appears they have successfully discovered Italian Harlem, which settles the question: tour book is not the same as a map. No map, bad.

The clock chimes 8:30, and no other teams have arrived. The Hippies and the Frat Boys go down into the sunken amphitheater to pluck their clue from its box-lair. The task is simple: around the outer perimeter of the amphitheater is a fence, and approximately every other fence post is topped with a small head. They must run around the amphitheater, do a head-count, and then find the groundskeeper. If they give good head-count to the groundskeeper, they will recieve their next clue. This takes each team approximately 3.5 seconds, as there are only 41 of the heads. Thank goodness there aren’t any all-girl teams left, or they’d never be able to count to 41 (wait for it....two teams...fingers and toes and...yes, there you go).

Detour alert! Today, our task choices are:

a. Big fish
b. Little fish
c. Red fish
d. Blue fish

For Big Fish, teams walk to a certain street vendor, and each member picks up a 32-pound swordfish, and then carries it 1/3 mile to Storico la Pescheria (“Ye Olde Fishe Shoppe”). Once they find a particular fish vendor, he will trade them their fishes for their next clue (and a couple of loaves). For Little Fish (a.k.a. The Lamer Task), the teams walk directly to Storico la Pescheria, where they will take over a merchant’s stall and sell 4 kilos (somewhere between 200 and 300 pounds, I think. I dunno, I’m an American, I don’t know from metric) of small Sicilian fish to earn their next clue.

This seems like a no-brainer. It’s approximately the same distance in travel; the only difference is that it might take a bit longer to walk it carrying a swordfish. But the time difference would certainly be less than the amount of time it would take to sell 500 pounds of small fish. (Patron saint of fish: St. Neot, who was reportedly only 15 inches tall. Riiiiiiiiiight.)

Both teams decide to take my advice.

FrankenBarry are now somewhere in Apulia, and Barry will not shut up about how screwed they are, and what a poor choice they made. His head is so far up his ass, he could chew his food twice, if he had his own teeth. I say again: no map, bad.

Here we have a commerical break. I don’t usually comment on commercials, but I’ll interject briefly on the Hallmark ad. No, there’s nothing particularly wrong with the ad, but I recently had a bad experience with Hallmark, and I’m going to use you as a captive audience to bitch about it. If you’re competely uninterested, tough noogies. Long story short, I had in my hand a card costing $2.25. I had no cash on me (as usual) and handed the cashier my debit card. She asked for my driver’s license, then informed me that she couldn’t accept my debit card for payment, because the name on my debit card did not match my driver’s license, and “frankly, ma’am, I don’t think this looks like you.”

Now, as many of you know, I married recently (I love being married. There’s nothing quite like finding that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life), and changed my name from Ilse Q. Smith – the name on the debit card -- to Ilse Q. Jones, the name on my new driver’s license (the Q. being the first letter of my maiden name, Smith being my ex-husband’s last name, and Jones being my new husband’s last name). The cashier said that unless I had a picture ID with the name on it that has not been my legal name for three months, or my marriage certificate, I could not make a purchase. I even produced my Social Security card, in the name of Ilse Q. Jones, and my plea was again rejected. It should be noted that in the 3 months I’ve been Mrs. Jones, this is the first instance in which I’ve been denied a purchase anywhere, and it was for a $2.25 card from Hallmark. If you’re more concerned about the possibility that someone is going to commit fraud over $2.25 than you are about common-sense customer service, then fuck you, Hallmark, you fascist pigs. (Patron saint against false witness: St. Felix of Nola.)

Just goes to prove there’s no vaccine against stupidity. Speaking of which, we’re back to the show. FrankenBarry are still lost.

We’re treated to another episode of “As My Stomach Turns,” starring Lake and Michelle, who are also lost and stuck in traffic. Lake asks Michelle if she recognizes anything. She hasn’t yet recognized that he’s a total ass, so I’m guessing no. He points. “Whut’s thayut?” “It’s yaller, it must be a school bus,” she says.

It is an airport shuttle, but thank you for playing. We have some lovely parting gifts for you, including a $20 gift certificate to Wal-Mart and the DVD boxed set of “The Jeff Foxworthy Show.” Oh, wait, you already have those. Never mind.

Those Adorable Geeks are jammed up with the masses, as well. Ray and Yolanda are not, but that’s only because they’re nowhere near the city yet.

HoJo pulls up to the amphitheater and begins counting heads as the Frat Boys and Hippies arrive at the fishmonger. They each drape a swordfish across their shoulders and begin jogging to the market. The smell makes the Frat Boys miss the Double D’s. Tyler remarks that after a while and a little LSD, the fish stops feeling like a wet cat and starts feeling more like an ice pack.

HoJo finish counting. Jo got 40; Ho got 41. To Jo’s credit, he defers to Ho’s number; to his shame, he is accepting without concern the fact that he was unable to successfully complete a Kindergarten-level task. They race down the steps of the amphitheater to find the groundskeeper, who confirms Ho’s number and hands them the clue. They, too, decide to do the fish-hauling. She’s concerned she can’t carry 30 pounds of excess dead weight, but she seems to balance her head on top of her neck just fine.

The Boy Teams have arrived at the market and are now trying to find the right merchant. Say what you will about the Got-Damn Hippies, but I have to commend them for two things: first, they always know at least a few words of the languages of each country they’ve visited (so far), and don’t attempt to speak Pig-Latin Esperanto to cab drivers. Second, they truly seem to appreciate the scenery and the cultural experience around them. I’m not saying that I don’t want them to slump over, just that they can take their time. If Dave and Lori can’t win (Patron Saint of impossible causes, St. Rita of Cascia), then I don’t hate the idea of it being the Doug Henning Bastard Children.

The swordfish are deposited and the clues distributed at the same time, which we can tell isn’t one of the sneaky camera tricks they use to make the race seem closer, because they’re all in the same shot together. In lieu of that, however, Bruckheimer insists on another annoying contrivance: captioning the teams “Currently in 1st place” and “Currently in 2nd place” when they received their clues at the same time and are standing next to each other. This is probably still proper, though, because the Frat Boys can’t think without moving their lips, much less read, so the Hippies are a half-step ahead.

They must now drive themselves to Siracusa (Syracuse), Sicily and find some place I can’t spell to find their next clue. They wend their way through the streets back the way they came. HoJo passes them going the other way, and BJ hugs Ho, in what at first seems to be a friendly gesture. A moment after he departs, however, she exclaims, “That smell – ohmigod, fish blood on my shirt!” Like that’s the worst sort of stain she’s ever had on her clothing. Other than that, Ms. Lewinsky, how was your tour of the White House?

From this point, the editing begins switching wildly between the remaining teams. I will do what I can to make some sense of the mess we’re presented with, but forgive me if it gets choppier than a stammering woodcutter’s convention.

FrankenBarry finally find the amphitheater. The boy teams find Siracusa on a map (map good) and agree to cooperate to find it together. FrankenBarry count 41 heads, and rush down below. Fran begins screaming “hello” every 3 feet, like the groundskeeper is on a cell phone that keeps cutting out. They eventually find him, and he hands over the clue. They decide to sell the small Sicilian Brasifish, the only team to make this choice, because “The tourbook said it’s FUN! That, and we’re so old, we fart dust.”

HoJo find the swordfish and attempt to carry them like they’re firelogs. Ho is visibly distressed and disgusted. She is also upset about having to carry a fish.
Lake Asswipe and Wife are still in traffic, and still bitching at each other (this is clearly their steady state). Dave & Lori are having The Eternal Male-Female conversation: “Why won’t you ask for directions?” “Because I’m not lost!” (Other popular riffs on this tune include “Toilet seats: up or down?” “What a Thermostat is For” and “How many goddamn pairs of shoes do you need?”/”How many holes does that underwear have to have before you throw it out?”)

Lori, to Dave: “I’m glad you’re being unilateral in the decision-making.”

I’m just glad that someone on this race is using a word like “unilateral,” and can pull off sarcasm.

Ray & Yolanda, who think that “unilateral” is something they can work on with their Bowflex machine, decide that they will completely circumvent the traffic and walk to the amphitheatre, hoping that they will encounter someone along the way who can tell them how to get there. Ray, however, is having a problem – everyone he walks up to and says “Theatre Romano?” just says “No,” and walks away quickly, like he’s the Black Panther Amway Salesman.

FrankenBarry try to sell fish by screeching “pesky, pesky fresco” at people. They are not having any luck, because the locals are not interested in purchasing bothersome paintings.

HoJo are schlepping the swordfish (which is not code) and Ho is complaining the entire time. “EW, fish guts, fish juice, ew, it’s all over me!” Gods, she’s such a species-ist. I mean, sure, human bodily fluids of any kind she’ll gladly wallow in on any given Saturday night, but put scales on the fluid provider, and she gets all squeamish. (Sicilian Word of the Day: The word “Stuppaghiara” literally means “a girl who can suck the cork out of a wine bottle.”)

HoJo try to deliver the fish to the wrong guy, who has no idea why they’re delivering swordfish to him. They wait expectantly for the clue that is not forthcoming. (Patron Saint of the mentally challenged: St.Christina the Astonishing.) Ho begins to cry. Boy, if she doesn’t develop a higher threshold for stress, she’ll never make it to Patron Sainthood. HoJo go off in search of the right guy, shouting his name, but pronouncing it incorrectly.

FrankenBarry sell a few pesky frescos. HoJo are still looking for the right guy, and some other merchant finally tells them how to pronounce his name. Ho drops the fish onto the ground and insists that she just can’t carry it anymore. Her makeup is running in streaks down her face, and we have to question her choice of non-waterproof mascara. She whines, “This is the worst thing I’ve ever done, besides screwing the entire Razorback football team.”

She’s about as useless as the Pope’s testicles. Maybe the commercial break will give her enough time to collect herself.

Nope. “Just tough it out,” Jo encourages her, with an edge to his voice that adds, “you whiny little skank.” She sniffles, the weight of the world on her shoulders, and hefts the fish dramatically, waiting for her Oscar. They finally find the right vendor, and get the clue. “Drive yourself to whatever,” Jo reads, anxious to be on their way. “Siracusa,” Ho snivels. Good to know that she’s never too defeated to quibble and correct him. Nothing more attractive than that. Jo: Pay attention, dood. This is the rest of your life, right here.

FrankenBarry are still trying to sell fish, and they’ve finally sold the requisite 650 pounds of ichthyophagous. They think it was fun. But then, they add a little Metamucil to their decaf for the extra kick.

HoJo are finally back at their car. They try to proceed down the clogged city streets with little luck. “I’m going to smell like a fish all damn day,” Ho moans. She continues to harp on this topic by pointing out various women on the street who are cleaner than she and smell less fishy, like the crack whores. I don’t suppose it would occur to her to change clothes; I doubt it’d be the first time she exposed herself in public. Jo tries to chew off his own arm to escape. (Patron Saint of trappers: St. Hubert of Liege.)

FrankenBarry check their map (ooh, a map now...map good) and attempt to find moss on the north side of Barry’s leg to get oriented. Lake Asswipe finally find the amphitheater. Lake motions to FrankenBarry for help as they drive away, but FrankenBarry pretend not to notice, and say, “Yeah, I don’t think that’s gonna happen.” For one brief, shining moment, I giggle.

Lake Asswipe counts to 41, then goes downstairs in search of the groundskeeper. They run up to the first guy they see and inform him that the correct number is 41. The random tourist they’ve selected gives them a high-five, and that’s it. Suddenly they realize, hey, this isn’t the groundskeeper (all foam, no beer, those two). They are aggravated at the tourist for not being the groundskeeper (and who wouldn’t be?), but eventually find the old fellow and get their clue. They decide to do Big Fish. Michelle heads for the car, insisting it would be faster to drive to the market. “It says walk, ding dong!” Lake vociferates helpfully.

FrankenBarry continue to drive. Their left turn signal is on the whole time.
Ho is about two seconds away from rolling down her window and asking to borrow clothes from passers-by. Jo slumps down in his seat, trying to pretend he’s a cab driver who doesn’t know this walking public health warning. (Patron saint of venereal disease: St. Fiacre.)

Lake Asswipe finds the swordfish vendor. “What if this isn’t the guy and we’re stealing his fish?” Michelle panics. A rejection letter from MENSA wouldn't be too much of a surprise for you now, would it?

They walk to the fish market and find the right guy without much difficulty and get their clue. While they are running back to their car, someone on the street says, “Hello” to them. In English. Lake responds, “Hola!” This guy couldn’t dump water out of a boot if the instructions were on the heel.

The WonderGeek Twins are still looking for the right place, and finally ask directions – and immediately find a guy who will lead them there. “Thank you, I love you (especially when I’m right),” Lori says. “Love you (I hate when you do that),” Dave replies.

Ray & Yolanda are still looking for the amphitheater on foot, and finally find someone who doesn’t think they’re refugees from a 50 Cent video to help them.
Lake Asswipe are looking for Siracusa on a map. “Go this way, then turn that way,” Michelle suggests, looking at the map. “No, I’m overruling you, I’m just gonna ask this guy to lead us out of this damn town,” Lake insists. They make a turn, then see the sign for Siracusa. Lake whoops. “Kiss me darlin’! Boy, did we ever get lucky on that one!” “No, I’m just smart,” Michelle reminds him.

Pop quiz: How many members of each of their families died right after uttering the phrase, “Hey, watch this!”?

It’s a trick question. Their family trees don’t branch all that much.

Ray & Yolanda have found the amphitheater and are counting. They count 41, find the groundskeeper, and decide to do Big Fish. Dave & Lori park and follow the same pattern.

Ray & Yolanda pick up their fish and begin the haul to the fish market. Dave &Lori count to two score and one, find the groundskeeper, and get the clue. They, too, decide to do Big Fish, and brak brak brak.*

Meanwhile, the Frat Boys find the place that I can’t spell, and guess what? It’s a Road Block. One member of the team must play in a kayak polo match and score a goal to earn their next clue. This is a total lie, because as far as I can tell, there’s no “match” to be played. The Racer gets in a kayak, paddles near the goal, has someone pass him/her the ball, and tosses it into the net, unopposed. These are the most simplistic, retarded tasks I’ve ever seen. Next leg, the tasks are going to be mouth breathing and drooling, and there’ll STILL be someone who will find a way to fuck it up.

One of the Frats (does it matter which one? They’re both the sort of guys you’d use as a blueprint to build an idiot) gets in a kayak and pushes off with his hands. He is literally in a canoe without a paddle, and he has obviously never paddled anything before. He’s thrashing around like a pesky fresco out of water.

Ray & Yolanda deliver their fish, get back to their car, and start the drive.

Dave & Lori, while carrying the fish: “Love you. Is this not fun?” “This is awesome.” They are just cute as a cupcake. I can hardly stand it.

They find the right guy, get a clue, buy a map (map good), and drive.

The Frat Boy scores a goal. It’s the first time he’s scored since Lake’s mom needed bus fare.

The Hippies arrive, stowing their copies of High Times under the car seats. “Wow. Kayaking in Italy, man. WALSTIB.”

The Frat Boys get the last clue, directing them to the Pit Stop of Fonte Aretusa, a natural spring that’s so close by, they are told to walk there. They take off running like it’s dollar day at the whorehouse.

BJ quickly hops in the kayak and tosses in an easy goal. They, too, get the clue, and high-tail it to the Pit Stop.

FrankenBarry continue to drive, as does HoJo. Upon arriving at the Road Block, Barry decides to be the one to kayak. Jo volunteers for their team. Ho has managed to change; sadly, just her clothes, not her attitude. (Patron Saint against vanity: St. Rose of Lima.)

To get to Philamina and the Doormat of Fate, the teams have to run across a bridge and squeeze by a concert band playing a catchy tune. We see the Frat Boys running, and BJ & Tyler running, in that exasperating editing that makes it look like it’s anyone’s leg to win, but stick with the chalk: the Frat Boys get there first, and they also win a cruise. BJ & Tyler come in next.

Back at the kayaks, Jo scores a goal. Barry is making an effort, but in the words of his loving wife, “He’s pathetic. And he can’t score a goal, either.”

HoJo get their clue and hoof it to the pit stop. Barry finally scores (perhaps he could have used a Little Blue Pill beforehand) and they get their clue. How the hell they are managing to stay in this race is beyond me.

Lake Asswipe arrives, inexplicably wearing laser tag targets on their chests, and decide that Michelle will do the Road Block. She sucks at it worse than Barry. She bites so hard she leaves tracks. She finally scores, despite shouted criticisms thinly disguised as encouragement provided by her husband. “Make your way on foot,” she reads, when she gets the clue. “Foot, yes, foot! Foot!” Lake hoots. Thank you, Lake, we’re all challenged by your unique point of view, although I’ve put things on fishing hooks that are smarter than you.

The camera cuts to Philamina dancing like a frog in a blender to the music. (Patron Saint of rhematic chorea: St. Vitus.) He settles down, and greets HoJo with the news that they are Team Three. FrankenBarry arrive fourth. Lake Asswipe arrives fifth.

This leaves two teams. These are the same two teams who vied for last place on the last leg, just like the first two teams are the ones who were also the first two to arrive on the last leg. This is due largely, in my humble opinion, to the lack of Bunching. I thought Bunching was boring, and have campaigned against it, until I saw an Unbunched leg. This was the most boring.leg.ever. Now? I’m a big fan of the Bunching.

Ray & Yolanda and Team Dwork are searching for the kayak place. Ray & Yolanda find it first, and decide that Ray will take the plunge. He tosses the ball, misses worse than Vanderjagt in the AFC Championship Game, and flips over. He splutters, climbs back in, scores, and they set off for the Fonte.

Dave & Lori arrive, and Dave gets in the kayak. “May the force be with you,” Lori says. I’m sensing that one of them owns a Slave Girl Gold Bikini, and I’m thinking that’s her, since Dave is definitely more in the Jabba the Hutt mold. He misses once, then hits. They get the clue, ask for directions, then jog.

We see Ray and Yolanda jogging, too. This would create some suspense if we hadn’t seen Dave & Lori arrive at the Road Block as Ray and Yolanda were finishing. Team Lando have no shot, short of Ray or Yolanda pulling a hammy, but unfortunately, they are in decent physical condition, and they arrive sixth.

Dave & Lori, not being utter schlubs, realize they are last. As they are jogging along, Lori jokes, “If this is a non-elmination leg, we’re going to be stuck in these fishy clothes for the rest of the race.” Dave shows his dedication to her by saying, “If this IS a non-elimination leg, I will wash your fishy clothes tonight.” “Love you’s” are exchanged as they approach Phil.

But it IS an elimination, and they are done. They’re both tearful, but they have the good grace to thank Phil for the experience. In their final confessional, they gush some more about how in love they are. They’re just SO GODDAMN ADORABLE.

Dave leaves us with a final thought: “Nerds rule.” (Patron Saint of computer geeks: St. Isidore of Seville.)

Drape the Circle Of halls in black, pilgrims, and let there be songs of mourning and dirges of pain: The Nerds are dead. Long live the Nerds.

Next week: Olympic-style rasslin’, and Fran learns that you don’t list your actual greatest fear on the TAR application.

In conclusion, as we contemplate the events of Holy Week, meditate on this question: If Jesus was Jewish, why did he have a Mexican name?

Thanks for reading.

* Landru invented that, you know. What? It’s not a TAR summary unless it has braks.

TAR 9 Episode 5 - Karma's Chameleons Wear Orange Pants

2006-04-06T18:26:00.000-04:00

By Buggy

Before on the Amazing Race, there was some bunching in Moscow, a non elimination, some lost women, a found gnome and people named Wanda and Deserie were sent home from Germany at the 3rd Pitstop.
Wheezy wrote a lovely summary, all the details, all the highs all the lows, all the funny. (In German! )

I have to confess that I haven’t seen any episodes of The Race yet this season , til this one.
It starts at 9 o clock and that is just too late, I’m old and I get tired at darktime. I rarely see any show that doesn’t end by 9 Central.

So, I don’t know any of these people. I don’t know who is likeable, I don’t know who has been an ass. I don’t know who is funny. ( ha ha or weird)
I am sure we have some married people, and some dating couples, some buddy types, some lovable old folks, some siblings , and someone who will try to hug Phil ( Oh, I hope it happens this week, because that always cracks me up).
Anywho , I just ask that you bear with me as I try to figure out who these folks are, and which "type" they are playing.

PitStop

The episode begins in Somewhere, Germany, Europe.
This is the 4th Pitstop. There are 8 teams left.

First to leave, because they were first to arrive, is Eric and Jeremy. They pick up their clue that tells them to fly to Palermo Italy , and find a 100 year old Opera House.
Eric and Jeremy seem nice.
They tell us that they are just being idiots, competing and looking for chicks , like normal. ( My money says they are really the Gay Couple, these guys are way too well-groomed to be straight)

Next to leave the Pitstop is BJ & Tyler.
They have long hair and big smiles, and they tell us that they believe in good Karma , and that they use humor to get people to help them. We see them asking for directions to the Airport, we see them rewarding the directional samaritans with a funny little dance. Goodness begets goodness, kindness is it’s own reward, the circle of Karma is complete. OhhhMMMm.

(I think these young men are what was once known as " Hippys" , but I am pretty sure they are time travelers, because as everyone knows, Hippys don’t exist anymore. Hippy’s became extinct about the time the last VW Bus was sent to the junkyard. Besides, that BJ had to grow up in a commune, no way would he have survived public school with a name like that.
I would maybe buy that they were real Hippys if they were in their 50's or 60's, but they appear to be early 30's. Definitely time travelers.
I’m guessing that they are also well- liked by the fans, it’s a Karma thing.)

After getting directions to the Airport, our Dippys wait for the next pair of Racers, Lake and Michelle.
Lake and Michele are married parents, Lake and Michelle are southern, Lake and Michelle are Tim McGraw and Faith Hill! Only not as good-looking, or nice, or famous , or talented. ( But I’d bet ya a pack a gum, that the boy owns a cowboy hat.)
Lake tells us that Michelle has gotten them lost, and she needs to grow. He tells us that he is, "The Leader" of their team. He has a stupid name.

Munich Airport

The first team to arrive at the airport is Eric and Jeremy, who flirt up the ticket chicks. Flirty Flirty.! I guess the Airport is closed because there is no one else there in the middle of the night.
BJ and Tyler arrive looking for Air Italia and calling out, " Frat Boys! Frat Boys!" as they enter the terminal.
( Ah HA! I guess they are frat brothers and not a couple afterall. I still maintain they look awfully clean for straight boys, but I’m willing to believe the time travel hippy boys.)
Hippys find the Frat Boys playing Special Olympics. They race and crash in wheelchairs. They even fall on their heads. It’s amusing.
( But I did NOT laugh, oh no, no I did not. I would never laugh at people in wheelchairs, even when they are duffus fraternity boys who can walk perfectly well, and probably even fall down all by themselves without the help of wheelchairs. Nope, not laughing, not me.)
The TimeTravelingHippyDippysFromThePast (TTHDFTP) decide to waste some time playing in the wheelchairs too. Because that is what the chairs are there for, right? I mean it’s probably good Karma.

Lake and his woman arrive and decide they don’t have time for silly shenanigans and wheelchair races, they must get tickets. For some reason they fail to see the Airport as a fun place to play and think the main goal, is to catch a flight to Italy.
Geeze! What’s the big hurry?
So Lake and Michelle use the computer thingys to book a flight. Or, try to use them, because all the words are in German!

GASP!
It’s like they are in Germany or someplace!!!!
What will they do ? How will they manage? They need a Wheezy to translate! They got no Wheezy! How will they get tickets when they no can speaka the Deutsche! Oh woe and misery for the Lady and the Lake

Time Travelers wander in, flushed and exhilarated from their wheelchair games. They pick a computer terminal, they click on a little button that says " English" and they book a 6:35 flight that will arrive in Italy at 10:15 a.m. That’s it. That’s all. Done! That? is what you call " Good Karma" boys and girls.

(Does anyone else remember the Hudson Brothers show from the ‘70's? You know? They did that Razzle Dazzle song and wore the bad flashy psychedelic jumpsuits? You remember, right? The dark haired Hippy looks kinda like the Hudson that was nailing Goldie Hawn . Seriously, just like him. Remember that?)
By the time Michelle figures it out, the flight is full.

PitStop

Back at the Pitstop the next 3 teams are getting their clues and preparing to race to the Airport.

OLD PEOPLE!
Yes! I knew it!
Loveable old people, Fran and Barry, have been married 40 years.
( I assume to each other, because it’s not that big a deal if they married a whole bunch of other people before they met each other. I also assume that the female half of this team is the Fran, and the old guy is Barry, but you never know with old folks. I mean old people sometimes got the weird names, and there are guys named "Fran". Like that guy from That’s Incredible. Remember that show?

(You know what is freaky? That Fran guy was on That’s Incredible from 1980 to 1984, and The Hudson Brothers Show was on from 1974 to 1974. Spooky)

Granny Franny tells us that they are learning to play the game. Barry says they are trying hard to climb that ladder. They are just full of piss and vinegar these two!

Next to leave the pit is Dave and Lori.
Dave and Lori are dating and DEEPLY in LOVE. In fact, the way they are running this Race is solid proof that they are DEEPLY in LOVE. They are taking it One Leg at A Time, and racing smooth. Like Buttah.

( *Pssssst* Hey Lori, listen to me. I am sure Dave is a terrific guy and he seems to be DEEPLY in LOVE, with you and all that, and I am sure that you aren’t all shallow and superficial about his looks because you are DEEPLY in LOVE with him. But that man needs to shave and comb his hair. I’m not dissing him, he seems great, but once you are married? that whole scruffy unkempt look? Not so charming anymore. Really. Trust me, if he doesn’t shavenow, he will never pick up his socks later. I’d cut him a little slack with the whole " racing around the world" thing, if he didn’t just have a 12 hour break. Please tell me that Dave the BoyToy had a shower at some point in that 12 hours. )

Dave and Lori grab their clue and off they run.
Lori- "Going to Italy!"
Dave- " Rock solid!"
Lori - "Kickass!"

Next to leave is Joseph and Monica, another dating couple. Monica is steering the wheel, making the decisions, reading the clues.
Monica - "We are going to Pal ER Moe, Italy"
She tells us that she is proud to be making the decisions and calling the shots for her team. She says that some people look at her like a "dumb blond" , but she can use that to her advantage.
Monica - " Joseph! I can’t believe we are going to PAL ELMO ! YAY!"

Airport

It must be morning because our racers back at the airport are talking about actually getting some tickets for some flights. The Airport stuff always confuses me, I never firgure out who has tickets and what time, and which connection is better. But I will try to sort this out for me, so I can sort it out for you.

The Time Traveling Karmainiacs got like the last seats on a fully booked flight to Rome. They got them over the internet, earlier, when the clean college boys were playing and Michelle was trying to read in German. Turns out no one else was worried about getting tickets to Palermo, til now.
Lake and Lake’s Woman run to the Lufthansa window and see what they have got going on in the way of flights to Italy. They are able to get a 9:30 departure on a flight to Rome.

Frannie and Bare use Lufthansa for a tickets too, and easy peasy they also get a 9:30 to Rome, but the kicker is that there is an earlier connection to Pal Elmo than the one that Lake and Lake’s Wife got. Francie is all a giggle over putting one over on those meddling kids.

Lake sees Fran and the Old guy at the window and is worried that someone else might figure out that the German airline may have some flights leaving Germany ( go figure), he doesn’t want anyone else getting tickets on the Lufthansa flight , and other racers will probably be arriving at the Airport soon, so he approaches Frannie .

Lake - " Fran? Did anyone see you getting tickets?"
Fran - " Back up! Back AWAY!! Please, just back a way."
Lake- " It’s okay, we already have our tickets, did anyone else see you..."
Fran- " Back away! Back AWAY! GO AWAY!!!"

Hey! Wait a minute!
Those aren’t cute loveable old people!
Those are crotchety old A-Holes!!

Lake clearly isn’t aware and doesn’t understand what is going on because he tries to talk to her again.

Lake - " We didn’t do anything to ya’ll"
Frannie - " GET OFF MY LAWN YOU STINKIN’ KIDS!!!"

In the meantime Eric & Jeremy lucked out somehow and scored some seats on the first flight out with the Karma Kids ( on the flight that was full already). Lori and Dave arrive and get tickets on the second flight ( Lufthansa ! It’s like everybody knows about it already.)

PitStop

The 7th team to leave to pitstop is Ray and Yolanda. They are another dating couple , and finally we have some people of color on this episode. Ray says that being with Yolanda on the race has made him see what she is really made of. She is strong minded and he respects her. I don’t know if I like them yet, but she has pretty hair. They make their way to the Airport.

Airport

Joseph and Monica are now with the Airport crowd and in need of tickets. Unfortunately they aren’t real clear on where they need to go.
Joe tells the Lufthansa guy, " We need tickets to Palomino."
Monica corrects him, " No Joseph, it’s PAlamo "
And bless their hearts, I’m afraid they are going to end up in Texas.

PitStop

The 8th and final team to leave the pits is the Dani Team. One is named Danielle, and one is named Dani.. How cute! They look exactly alike! How cute! They are BFF! How absolutely adorable! Dan tells us that they promised each other they wouldn’t stress out, and "slow and steady " will get them through the race. ( Ummm, sure, like THAT ever works!)
Sooooo CUTE!

Fly Fly Away

They all get on planes and fly off to Rome, ( 3 planes) where the various teams will make various connecting flights and arrive at various times in Palermo.
To Rome
Flight 1 - BJ &Tyler, and Eric & Jeremy
Flight 2 - Lake & Michelle, Fran & Barry, Joseph & Monica and Lori & Dave
Flight 3 - Ray & Yolanda , and Dani and Dani
To Palermo
Flight 1 - BJ & Tyler
Flight 2 - Eric & Jeremy
Flight 3 - Fran & Barry, Joseph & Monica and Lori & Dave
Flight 4 - Lake & Michelle with Ray and Yolanda and Dani’s
Somehow, poor misunderstood Lake and his Lady got screwed on the connecting flight and ended up with the tailies. He’s pretty frustrated about it, as he should be. They left the Pit 3rd and get on the last plane , 3rd from last. It sucks, and he’s upset, and who can blame him. I decide I really like Michelle when she stays calm and gives him a pep talk.

Palermo

It’s a beautiful day in Palermo! The sun is shining, the Karma Hippy guys are using funny accented voices and collecting the clue. ( you come and go, you come and go)
Get in the marked car and drive yourselves 42 miles to Castle De Marrra De Golfo , a seaside town named for a fort . ( Really? A Fort? Okay, whatever you say Phil, you the Man!)

(You know who the blond TTHDFTP looks like? That guy from thirtysomething. You remember that show? The guy with with the long hair. Not Elliot, he was the red-headed guy who was kind of a jerk to his wife til she got cancer, (or maybe he was a jerk after she got the cancer), anyway, not Elliot , that other guy , the tall one who wore the jacket with the patches on the elbows, he was a teacher of some find. Gary! His name was Gary! The Blonde Hippy boy reminds me of him, Gary was supposed to be the "cool guy" on the show, but looking back on it, he dressed like kind of a stiff. You remember that, right? It was a good show, they used to show the reruns on Lifetime in the afternoon.)

Everyone arrives in Palermo, and everyone is ahead of Lake ( even those who can’t even SAY Palermo get there before the Lakes).
Our Hipster friends have opened the clue for the Detour ,which is a choice between 2 tasks.
This detour is Foundry or Laundry. For Foundry they have to go to a metal works shop and get a 110 pound bell , transport it to a church and then carry the bell up the church steps, where a priest will give them their next clue. For Laundry the racers have to locate an intersection where there are lines and lines of clothes drying between the balconies. They must search the 2400 pieces of laundry for one of the 16 items that is marked with a special tag.

The Karma Hippy buddies choose Laundry and dance about in a hilarious manner.
Who knew that wearing orange pants could make people so happy? ( Yes, I am going to get me some orange pants, why do you ask?)

There are scenes of all the teams picking up clues and racing about.
Barry the offensive and smelly, drives like an old guy, and tries to run down some people on motorbikes , while calling out " Driving like an Italian! Man, I LOVE it! " Frannie is so proud.

Lori and Dave are in traffic, Joseph can drive, Ray and Yolanda are still in it, but one of the Dani’s can’t drive a stick, allowing the Lake and Michelle to pass .
WooHoo for the Lakes, they aren’t in last anymore. They are second to last, but it’s better than last.

BJ & Tyler ( clearly the Heros of the episode) work the Laundry and very quickly find a shirt with the special tag. ( I think they found the tag so quickly because the shirt was blinding hot pink, and I think our Happy Hippy friends are attracted to bright colors.)

They collect their next clue from the laundry woman calling " Bella Bella" and pretty much spreading joy throughout the whole country, while dancing about in those fabulous orange pants.

The clue tells them to drive 13 miles to the ancient town of Segrestra . Caution, there is a Yield .

The Frat Boy Friends ( in 2nd place) choose the laundry task and make lame jokes about finding Phil’s turtlenecks hanging on the line. ( They are cute, totally growing on me, and not in the fungus kinda way either.)
" Look! It's Phil's shirt!"
They complete the task pretty quickly , grab their clue, wonder if they will be yielded by the happy shaggy haired heros, and dash off.

Joseph and Monica ( in 3rd) decide the foundry task is for them, since moving a big heavy bell up some steep steps sounds faster. I don’t blame them, I avoid laundry whenever I can too.

Our Time Traveling heros arrive at the Yield box first, pretend to think about yielding other teams, and do not yield anyone. The clue contains a Roadblock ( a task that only one member of the team can perform, while the other member sits back and either gripes or heckles depending on how far behind they are)

The task is to put together a classical ( meaning " nearly naked") Greek statue, and then have an archaeologist check your work and give you a clue . It’s like a puzzle, but there is a trick. Two extra pieces have been added to the pile of puzzle pieces. Two pieces that don’t go anywhere at all. This is sure to create hi-jinx and hilarity with our race teams.

By the way, there is no way to begin to describe how beautiful the countryside is. The hills, the ancient ruins, it’s all just amazingly stunning.

So the blond hippyman gets to do the statue task, his teammate cheering him on, the task goes quickly and they finish with a flourish of excited and random Italian words. The 2 extra pieces didn’t stump them a bit.

Since we know that the TTHDFTF are going to come in first, I’m going to pick up the pace on this here summary story, because really, does anyone care about the other teams? ( oh sure I’ll let you know who got eliminated and stuff, no worries, but I may have to skip a few of the more boring segments.)

Monica bitches at Joey as he finishes the Bell task pretty much on his own.

Fran and Barry walk back and forth past the clue box for what seems like 40 minutes ( it’s actually only about 5 minutes) it’s funny.
They decide to do the laundry challenge and finish without trouble. (Somebodies laundry is totally gonna smell like old people.)

Dave and Lori are working well together , encouraging and DEEPLY in LOVE, as the laundry challenge kicks their ass. It is taking them way too long, and other teams are gonna catch up.

Michelle and Lake pick laundry and cheer each other on as they try to find the alley of the clotheslines. They are nice to each other, I think I like them.

Dani Deux are lost, are last, are listless and laundry is their task.

Ray and Yolanda choose the Bell and as he powers it up the stairs, muscles bulging, she swoons. He is THE MAN! They are starry eyed on each other, and really quite cute.

Lori and Dave are getting frustrated as the other two teams show up for the laundry task, now all are searching
( I would like to mention that Lake is wearing a pair of black knee length leggings under his baggy khaki shorts, I don’t know why, but it does look stupid as hell)

Lori and Dave find it first ( finally) with Team Lake and Double Dan to follow.

( And seriously, the Laundry task? about as much fun to watch as folding a load of socks. Totally BORING!)

Eric and Jeremy are in 2nd place and arriving at the Yield box when they see The Hippy Heros running down a path to the pit stop.

The Pitstop which is one mile downhill from the task, is in beautiful ruins from the 5th Century B.C. CBS spares no expense, and lets them pit at the most awesome ruins of awesomely amazing ruins, ever, like anywhere. ( It’s really pretty, a perfect spot for a drum circle)

Our Happy Karma Hippys arrive at the mat first and great Phil. The act surprised to be first, they play being shocked that they get prizes. " WOW! A Digital media center! Wow! A Camera! WOW we get to stand next to Phil!" These guys are the perfect race contestants, fun, funny, quirky. I love them.

E & J start the statue task ( well one of them does and I can’t tell them apart) the other talks about how ripped Greek guys are, and how hot the statue is, and he poses and struts and offers himself for inspiration.
Despite the distractions they get it done without the extra pieces causing them any trouble, way too easy, and off they trek to the pitstop of awesomeness.

They know that they are the second team to arrive and they are disappointed . Phil looks a little terbed that the Fratties aren’t leaping for joy ( and therefore bad TV). Frats tell Phil they made some mistakes, and they vow to beat those darn Hippys if it’s the last thing they do!

The Blond, but Definitely not dumb, Monica builds the statue and notices some pieces don’t seem to fit ( finally, that trick is going to stump someone). The not dumb and ever helpful Joseph yells, " Don’t get frustrated!!!!"

Bare and Fransome show up. Fran will build the neekid man, Barry tells her to relax and take her time, the view from the mountain is beautiful and he wants to take a nap. Barry is a cocky old fool.
( Yes, I said "cock" and "Barry" in the same sentence. Yes, I am grossed out too.)

Monica and Joey are 3rd at the Phil mat.
Lori and Dave are still lost
Ray and Yolanda are still lost
Lake and Michelle finally find the laundry tag , and though they aren’t lost yet, will be soon.
Dani and Dani are " Hanging on by a thread"
And this has become the most boring thing I have ever watched , and writing about it is worse.
I can hardly stay awake
Barry and Frantic are 4th at the mat.
Lake and Lake’s Woman use the yield on the Dani’s. I think it’s a good move, because chances are that they will mess up or get lost, or walk back and forth up and down mountains for no reason, Karma has not been kind to them and they need an edge..

And then..........
Oops!
Oh No!
Oh Shit!
Darn that Karma!
I spilled a non-alcoholic, decaf beverage on my notes.
Darn, that really sucks too, because the episode got so damned interesting after the first teams finished hours before all the lame ass filler racers. I was having such a good time telling you all about who was the most lost.
Oh well.

The Dani’s got eliminated, no one was sad.
The End

Next Week Ilse will tell you about the Amazing Race!

TAR 9: Lech mir am Arshle, bitte bitte bitte sehr.

2006-03-24T17:34:00.000-05:00

by Wheeze

Well, well. Here you are. Just when you thought the Big Buckin’ Chicken was the best thing on TV, The Amazing Race brings you a real doozy. Just before it begins, The Network shows a commercial about some amazing fruit drink, using gigantic fruit that people are climbing all over. Enormous fruits, on the coast of some body of veryblue water. And right where I have this frame paused, in pink, 7-point font letters on top of red, juicy strawberries, are the words, “Contains no fruit juice.”

There’s an irony there in that commercial that relates to this particular episode. Oh yes, yes there is. If you figure it out, let me know what it is because it’s over my head.

The show opens with a montage of craziness that can only be called Moscow. That’s in Russia, in case you didn’t watch Anastasia eight hundred brazillian times, not that we are bringing brazillians into this – well, some of us might when we try to talk to cab drivers in Moscow.

Little know fact: All cab drivers speak Spanish. It’s a prerequisite. Minimum is 4 courses, or a 215 class equivalency. Whether in Brazil or Russia, you can always find somebody who speaks the universal language.

Let’s talk about me for a moment.

I can’t remember names. I don’t even remember who won TAR last season. If I knew their names then, I’d be surprised. But I’ll never know if I knew, because I am too lazy to check the last TAR episode I did.

Usually (still talking about me here), if we’re down to four or fewer people, I’ll manage to get the names okay. But today we are dealing with eighteen people. Plus that one guy with the stone cold tits who never smiles. That’s a lot of names.

Here are the people I know: FrankenBarry, The Geeks, The Fratboys, and The Scoobs, as in Scooby and Shaggy, stolen from Beannie because that’s funny stuff. Also known are LaWanduh and LaFawnduh who make up the Spanglish team, Lake and his bitch, and the other team that looks like Lakenbitch, hence, the Lakealikes. And there’s Token of course, who will never win because they are black. I’m missing one team, but for the love of God and money I can’t remember who that might be. Maybe we’ll find them later, maybe not. Oh hell! It’s the Dani team (plural, Dani). Silly me.

On to the show. Which is a continuation of last week. So go read Beannie’s if you haven’t been keeping up.

Phil feels right at home in the freezing cold land of Witch’s Tit, Russia while Fratboys discover this leg of the race isn’t over yet. They take their clue and head to the airport, with intention of continuing on to Frankfurt, Germany.

The rest of this summary will be written in German, in honor of my beloved and dearly departed grandmother, who was, incidentally, found to have a sewing needle in her bum during one lengthy CAT scan I was forced to attend. Boy, was that a shocker.

Ja. Nun. Die Fratjungen gehen, und Lakeundbitchen gehen nach. Sie sind sehr glucklich! Nummer Zwei, viel spaß und gluck! Aber. Es ist nicht am enden, nein, nein, nein! “Ach, Scheiss!” sagt Bitchen. Undsoweiter, undsoweiter, die andere personnen, wie Yolanda auf dem Tokens, sagt auch, “Ach, Scheiss!”

“Wo den?” fragt die Frat. “Zum Taxi?”

“Nein! Danke!” sagt die andere Frat. “Ich habe den Wagen da!”

(And with that, I have fulfilled the prophecy of the Bundeslände Karten of 1987, by using the one phrase I said I’d never ever ever use. Because when would I have a car in Germany?? That’s just nuts. But. The spell has been broken, and I no longer must honor my Grossmutter in such fashion. For which you will be thankful, and you [b]will[/b] praise me, and tell me how thankful you are in your comment below.)

In the taxi, the Fratboys decided that on the mat in front of Phil the Witch would have been a good place to be holding hands with the Dani. And now we know that the Frats will neverever win this thing, because they think with their heads.

The Lakers are “haulin’ ass,” and Lake utters a slimy under-chuckle like a red-faced Dubya in the presence of Helen Thomas. Or, heck, even that not-scary David Gregory.

Tokens are third, and Mister sez, brightly, “I don’t want any of the other groups to catch up to us.” Ohhhhhhhhhh… I think I get it now.

Shaggy and Scooby turn up next, and they share a tender moment about FrankenBarry. Shaggy generously tips Tits, who almost…almost…cracks a smile and becomes animated. He just can’t wait to blog about the Scoobs later on. Meanwhile, Scooby grabs the dollar back from Tits and they are on their way.

FrankenBarry are fifth and oh so excited. Too bad they’ve quit twice already. How many times will FrankenBarry quit today, is the REAL question here. I think they should be Titliminated immediately for being whiney.

LaWanduh and LaFawnduh are doing what Latinos do best – cleaning the buses of Caucasians. Sadly, they keep crying about it and refuse to leave, streaking. You get what you pay for, I guess. The Lakealikes clean too.

Meanwhile, the Frats get their tickets to Frankfurt without a problem, and are in a philnominal lead. The call the ugliest ticket counter woman I have ever seen ‘beautiful’ and head to the plane, while the Lakers are refused ticketing. The Frats take off at 7:05 pm.

Little Known Fact: I like the Fratboys. I like the Scoobs, and I love the Geeks.
Everyone else must die.

Back on the mat (hi, Matt!) in Moscow, the Dani are 6th, the Duhs are 7th, the Lakealikes are 8th and the Geeks, who also cleaned the bus, have fallen into last place, OH THE HORRORS! Tits plays a mean trick on them, and this is the first time we’ve seen them cranky at Tits’ ‘Psych you out pit stop’. But not nearly cranky enough for me to lose one iota of geeklove for them.

The Lakers manage a flight a couple hours behind the Frats, and the Scoobs pick a smart spot to wait for ticketing in the airport. Meanwhile, the Frats arrive in Frankfurt, grab a train, win the lottery and get laid by a whole host of Veela, that’s how fucking lucky they are today.

On the 9:15pm flight to Frankfurt are the Lakers and Scoobs.

LaWanduh and LaFawnduh piss and moan about this being the worst day ever, and the ticket counter person pulls the shade in their face. Ha! The Lakealikes go elsewhere to Lufthansa to get a 7am flight to Frankfurt the next morning.

I’m beginning to think we’re never going to get out of this damn Aeropuerto (that’s Taxispeak for shithole). The other teams find out one by one that they will have to come back in the morning to book flights. Ach, Scheiße! The Lakealikes make camp in the airport while the others go find a hotel. And we wait. For seven am.

The Frats meet Johann on the train to Stuttgart and immediately ask him if there are pretty ladies in Germany. Johann smiles all cute and stuff and says yes, there are. Sometimes. And adds the worldwide wisdom, “The more you trinkt, the schöner they get.” The Frats wonder why the Germans are always drunk. They make it to Stuttgart, and find a taxi which brings them to the Mercedes building. The run to the clue box, and we hope they get a clue that says, ‘Du Sceißkopf! There’s nobody behind you. You can walk.’

Once 8:30am arrives, the teams will hop into a Mercedes and luckily have a driver to take them on the ultimate torque + spiderman experience of driving on the ominous WALL OF DEATH, which is not to be confused with that little wall that was once in Berlin, though the results were similar.

Train 2 reaches Stuttgart with the Lakenbitch and Scoobs teams, who also head to the Mercedes factory and get their clues.

Back in Moscow it’s 5am and the remaining teams are all present at the airport and getting tickets for Flight 3, which leaves at 7am.

Little Known Fact: Russia is a mere 55 miles away from the United States.

At 8:30am in Stuttgart, the ISS arrives to drive the teams in circles and demand an answer to the world’s most puzzling question: What the fuck is wrong with your president? The teams urge Germany not to wait to get involved – 335 million lives depend upon them. ‘Yeah, we’ll get right on that,’ they say.

Teams get the tour of the track, first on the high-speed lane, where they reach 170 kilometers per hour, which, after careful calculation, I have determined to be roughly 885.3 miles per hour. All the teams yell. The Frats reach climax. Some (coughSCOOBScough) do the Chicken Dance, while yelling Mach Schnell! Mach Schnell! (which, translated, means ‘No hurry. Take your time.’)

Little Known Fact: All first year German language students learn the Chicken Dance, as well as the song, Mein Hut. Crazy, crazy lyrics there. Goes a little like this…

(clears throat)

Mein Hut, er hat drei Ecke,
Drei Ecke hat mein Hut.
Und hat er nicht drei Ecke,
Denn das is nicht mein HUT!

(Ja ja ja!)

Which, translated, means “Um ya ya, um ya ya, Um ya ya ya! Gooooo Terrapins!”

Groups 1 and 2 are all bunched up again, the teams receive their next clues from the drivers and are given the keys to the ‘cedes. They must now drive 200 miles(4.6 kilometers) on the Autobahn (i.e. Wall of Death 2), to Bad Tolz (meaning “BloodBath of the Nightmare G(ah)Nomes”). In the haunted field there are decapitated and bisected fantastical creatures who have apparently just been attacked by Hector, Gunilla and the whole team of Ithilgorn’s Orc Brigade. Their cleaved bodies are strewn about the field. The teams must pick up the body parts and look under them, for apparently Gnomes are a little like worms – when split in half, they don’t die, they regenerate a new gnome underneath. The racers must collect the newborn gnomies and bring them, coddled in their bosoms, to the Tit Queen and Dumbledore, who is sometimes mistaken for Santa.

But first. The third group of teams arrives in Stuttgart, and the LaWanduhs ask their taxi driver what the word for ‘fast’ is. “Schnell,” says he, and they begin to chant ‘Schnell, Schnell, Schnell!’ at him, just in case he doesn’t understand ‘fast'. Of course, after a while, LaWanduh forgets the word and starts saying ‘Schlaff! Schlaff!’ instead, which is a really, really extremely funny thing to say to someone who is driving you around on a race for a million dollars. They all do their Mercedes ride, with the only thing of note that happens is that Lakealike gets in the driver’s seat, then can’t get his seatbelt on.

The Geeks find themselves in 4th place and holding the keys to their Mercedes, but aren’t sure how to find Bad Tolz. LaWanduh asks for directions using the universal accent, and LaFawnduh is completely annoyed. The Tokens find someone to give them directions to Bad Tolz, and the crabby Mrs says, “Hot boooty,” which will now be my new phrase to repeat endlessly, and with which I will drive all my friends crazy.

We go back to the Geeks, who have now found directions, but when the Lakealikes ask them, they deny that they know anything. Hooray, Geeks! Way to get a strategy. They confess they may have lied, just a little...aren’t they so cute?

Little Known Fact (to LaFawnduh and no one else):

Munich? Is the same as München.

Then, tragically, stupidly the Dani follow the LaWanduhs going the wrong way, which turns into a Bill Murray scene on Ground Hog Day.

Meanwhile, back at the Gnomish Field of Destruction, with yodeling music playing in the background, the Frats find their regenerated gnomebaby. They take their next clue, which says, “Drive yourselves to Bavaria Film in Gruhnewald, take your gnomebaby with you and call his name Yeesus, for he is the great and powerful god who will bring you safely to your next pit stop.”

Lakenbitch pick up a German man who speaks like he lives in Ohio. “I cannot drive, I’m too drunk anymore,” says he. “Lech mir am Ärshle.” Which is Schwäbisch, or Stuttgartian, for “Kiss my ass and call me Sally.” Or something like that.

“Nein, danke, Ich habe den Wagen da, und lech mir auch, bitte,” replies Lake, and Wheezy gets a bonus point added to her GPA.

Little Known Fact: Wheezus hearts Gothmog am besten.

Lakenbitch and the Scoobs arrive at the Gnomely Battlefield. Shaggy dances around like a goon, which for some reason annoys Bitch. Somebody needs to take a bottle to her insolent little head and teach her a lesson in how to have fun.

Lake finds his baby Yeesus while Shaggy does the Sawmill Lumberjack Dance. Boy, those hippies are sure good at dancing. Wouldn’t it be great if there were a task that involved dancing? They’d totally win. Scooby continues searching and wonders aloud what the gnomes look like when Lake finds his. Almost as if we had planned it, Scoob pulls up the next decapitated gnome head and finds new growth. “Like this?” he says, holding it up. Bwa ha ha. Shaggy admires Scooby’s new toy. “Nice gnome, buddy!” he says, like he’s talking to a 4-year-old. Those two orange-panted sillies crack me up.

FrankenBarry arrive. Barry will be the one to venture out on this dangerous task. “Be systematic!” yells Fran.
“I’m gonna only do feet!” yells Barry.
“Why?” screeches Fran
“Because that’ll be my system!” he cries.
The yodelers are gone; Mission Impossible now plays in the background. Barry’s plan works, that sly devil. He grabs the creature and runs. Back in the car, Barry confesses, “That’s the way Fran and Barry travel,” he boasts. “In a car, with a map, that’s what we do. We hit our stride.”

Ground Hog Day on the Autobahn. Much fighting within the vehicles occurs. I have no further comment on these idiots.

The Frats arrive at Bavaria Film, where they are faced with a choice between two tasks: Break It or Slap It.

Break It involves breaking stunt bottles on each others’ heads. They cannot do this willy nilly, oh no. They must wait for the cuckoo bird to … uh … cuckoo before each attempt. Once broken, they must look at the label and find one that says “Prost!” which of course means, “Watch Survivor Next Thursday!”

In Slap It, teams must learn and successfully (snort) perform a series of steps from a German folk dance. We the viewers are led to believe that the dance is long and difficult.

Whichever they choose, they will all dress up in silly costumes.

The Frats choose Break It and make eyes at the Pauli Girl whose job it is to oversee the cuckoo clock and the bottle breakage. At first, the Pauli Girl scowls and pouts like all good German blondes should do when facing naughty frat boys, but soon her boredom leads her to giggle openly. After several Lederhosen jokes and Abbott and Costello attempts, they still come up short.

The Tokens are in 5th place and seem to find their gnomebaby immediately. They discuss the Lakealikes, and wonder how they are always so hot on their trail. Mr. Token sounds like he’s reading his off-the-cuff comment from a cue card.

The Lakealikes find their gnome. The Geeks arrive, search and soon find theirs as well. They make their way to Bavaria Film, where the Frats are still smashing bottles. They ask the Pauli Girl out for some beers afterward. “Eef you pay,” she says coolly. They begin to get cranky at how long it’s taking. Finally they find one as the hippies arrive. They receive kisses from their Pauli Girl, and request she leaves a mark of proof, which I guess will show that they’re not all just talk. Or something.

The Scoobs choose Break It. Shaggy needs a changing room because he’s not wearing underwear.

Yeah, you just sit and think on that for a while.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.

The Frats receive their next clue, which leads them 10 miles away into Munich, where they must find Leopoldstraße. The pit stop is at the Siegestor, which, incidentally, is not the same as the Spiegel Store. No, it’s a 153 year old monument to peace. The last team to arrive may be eliminated.

Not Really A Little Known Fact: the “ß” is a symbol used in the Germanic language, and is called the ‘S Set’. A set of s’s, it is. You’d pronounce it just like you’d pronounce a double ‘s’. Why not just write two s’s in a row, you ask. I.Don’t.Know. But I do know that on my new iBook, all I have to do is push ‘Option s’ to get it to type.

Scooby and Shaggy are in their element. They ARE yodelers. After filming a quick Riccola commercial, they begin their task. They, unlike everyone else, can actually speak a few words of Geman, and they are not bad at it. They yuck it up and after a few bottles, Lakenbitch arrive. The Lakenbitches, incidentally, just finished filming a remake of The Accused. Breaking bottles over Bitch’s head is standard procedure. Poor Bitch. She feels she must hide the truth, even when the bottles are fake. “That hurt because you hit it so soft!” she says, looking for Lake’s nod of approval. That one was the winner, and the LakenBitch moves on. In the car, Bitch remarks unconvincingly, “That was fun, huh?”

The Scoobs finally get their Prost, and they kiss and flatter the Pauli Girl. “Ich mochte du tanzen gehen!” says Scooby, which on the screen translates to “I would like to go dancing with you,” but in my cobwebbed German dictionary of the mind, sounded more like, “I would like you to go dancing.” I shrug. Ich weiß nicht.

FrankenBarry enter the Tanzen Universität, and I must say, those little shorts never looked more flattering on a man than Barry. And once again, it appears that FrankenBarry have chosen improperly a task suited for their abilities. Oh, if they had only brought their gnomebaby Yeesus inside to help them.

The Fratboys make haste to the Siegestor. They grab gnomebaby (he ain’t sayin’ nothin’) and rush to find The Tit Queen, who is standing on the mat alongside one of the seven dwarves. Moldy, I think it is. Or Paunchy. The boys are the first to arrive, and they have won a terrific trip to Africa. TQ notices the lipstick on their faces and declares these two to be the biggest Casanovas ever to appear on TAR. They launch into reverie about the Dani, saying they hope the Dani make it to the mat in good time so they can ‘do a little more tongue wrestling or whatever.’ Phil gives them a sterile look. I don’t think he really wanted to know that. And I’m sure the Dani will be glad to know the Frats just spilled that bit of news to the world.

Lakenbitch and the Scoobs meet in the street, trying to find Leopoldstraße. The Lakers are fighting. Lake tells his Bitch to ‘zip the negativism out’. She immediately becomes annoyingly positive, which I hope she is doing on purpose. The Scoobs sneak around the back way to the Siegestor. Realizing they are well in front of the Lakers, they decide to run to the mat, backwards. They turn around, and Scooby’s face lights up. “SANTA!” he cries when he sees the dwarf. What a couple of crazies. Lakenbitch is right behind, in third.

FrankenBarry are still Slapping It. It takes a little longer at that age. They manage not to fall down as the professionals go through it one last time, from the top, at half speed. Before the musicians can gouge their eyes out, the leader declares FrankenBarry to have completed the task perfectly. EVERYBODY CHEERS WILDLY. They head for the pit stop.

The Lakealikes arrive at Bavarian Film and start breaking bottles, followed by the Geeks and the Tokens. Some of them are a bit too big for their britches, but they all make it to the set and start breaking bottles when the extremely bored band decides to do a little parade around them. Somebody screeches. The band plays. The parade marches. The cuckoo calls, the bottles smash, and the screech again. Play, march, cuckoo, smash screeeeeeeeeech. It’s Stomp, Bavarian style.

And good God in heaven, we forgot all about the Dani and the LaWanduhs. They’re still back on the grassy knoll looking for trollbabies. In the dark. They dig in the dirt of the already emptied nests, hoping against hope for a twin. The Dani finally find one, and LaFawnduh declares that there simply aren’t anymore. It’s a mean, evil trick. Miraculously, the camera person stands stoically next to the correct one, and waits until somebody notices. Finally, a new Spanglish gnomebino is born. They drive off into the impending sunrise.

FrankenBarry arrive at the Siegestor and are delighted at their fourth place finish, and back at the Film, The Geeks have luck with bottles and head out, The Lakealikes are mesmerized by the parade and follow the piper, deciding suddenly they can dance. And guess what – they CAN! Quite impressively, too. The Tokens are peee-ussssed, go dance, and totally do fair as well. Of course, the clarinetist has by now run out of spit, so they were practically pushing people through the dance line. As long as they were still standing when the music stopped, they were free to go.

My Sweet Geek-Cheeks take the number five spot on the mat (hi matt, my sweet geek boyfriend!) and are worthily proud of their comeuppance in the ranks from the previous day. Lakealikes arrive in the Six spot, all cute and smiley. They really aren’t anything like the Lakenbitches. They are sweet. Ewww. Not far behind are the Tokens, and Yolanda manages to crack a smile.

And we regretfully go back to the Film, where the Dani have arrived. They start dancing. It looks as if the entire band has gone home for the day, but that was just a little camera trick. They were all simply backstage, the accordianists exchanging spit with the woodwinds. They are team players, the Bavarians. You should see them play soccer.

Little Known Fact: I did, indeed, see the Bavarians play soccer against Manchester United in Soldier Field a couple of years ago. It was a great game. They did not, however, wear the same outfits as what we saw on our television sets Tuesday last.

The Dani make quick work of the dance, and in no time have their next clue. I bet they get lost again…let’s see. Meanwhile, LaWanduh and LaFawnduh find the dance and do a piss poor job. Here’s where it’s a lucky time to be last – they let them go anyway.

The Dani get lost (what else is new) and after asking fourteen people for help, finally have the building in their sites. Of course, by this time, LaWanduhs have managed NOT to get lost for once, and they spot each other. It appears we may indeed have a close finish. But no. The Dani make it, the Duhs do not, and Peter the dwarfman says, “Welcome to Munich, Germany,” in the sweetest grandfatherly voice you’ve ever heard.

The Duhs have been eliminated, they are crying (again), and they tell their tale as if they were forced to join this race. The past four days have been hell, it’s been one nightmare after another, they say, and I for one am glad to see them go.

Next week, on TAR: The teams look for a clue in pieces of hanging laundry, and Geekgirl breaks down at the Roadblock, apparently while putting together a giant Michelin Man.

The Amazing Race 9, Episode 3: Whiners, Shitheads andDaggum Morons

2006-03-20T16:40:00.000-05:00

by: Beannie

(First, let me apologize for the very lateness of this entry. Real Life really got in the way this week. Secondly, let me apologize for the ridiculous horridness of what is to follow. I am pms’ing and am out of my special medicine, so nothing seems funny to me today.)

Last time, on the Amazing Race, 10 teams journeyed through the apparently “Spanish-speaking” Brazil, Jeremy & Eric grabbed ass, giving us all a collective case of the willies, and led the pack with the weirdest duo ever to grace the race, BJ & Tyler. Teams struggled with bad karma (Fran & Barry) and worse partners (Michelle & Lake), and the foul-mouthed, god-fearing Lisa & Joni were sent packing, much to my chagrin. There was a lot of material in those over-sized, never-shutting-the-fuck-up ladies, I’ll tell you whut.

First to depart from Brotas, Brazil at 4:48 am are BJ & Tyler, representing the great unwashed with a penchant for orange pants. They explain that they think the other teams now see that they are not just the crazy, happy-go-lucky hippies running around naked all the time. Can you say thank god for small favors? Too goofy to describe doing them any justice, I will just call them Shaggy & Scooby, and leave it at that.

The teams must figure out how to travel a whole THREE miles to engage in the skill-intensive task of riding a zipline. Good Christmas. Has there been a race yet of the 9 where there hasn’t been a zipline? Fine, a nice way to see the scenery of a foreign land. But so is a guided fucking bustour, but neither makes for a very exciting “race.” Of course, you can’t see the tops of the trees in the dark, so the ride, er, task doesn’t open til 7 am, a good two hours later. Thus, Scooby 7 Shaggy amuse themselves by jumping in front of the approaching cars and scaring the bejeezus out of several teams arriving behind them.

Next to depart are skeezebags Eric & Jeremy. If these lazy ass, do-nothing pieces of turd win this race, so help me … oh, I don’t know what, but if God got the Weavers to the final three in the last installment, surely he can exercise some muscle and eliminate these guys before I contract a veneral disease just watching them. They would so fuck a corpse, you know they would. So foul are they, and so concerned with getting laid and earning cash for playing around their whole lives, I have dubbed them “Team RonJeremy.”

Joseph & Monica are the third to depart. Bland. Beautiful but bland. Nothing else to say. They have named themselves MoJo, I call the “HoHum.”

Next comes my favorite team of all fucking time, the Dorknamic Duo – Dave & Lori, the overweight, bespectacled dorky lovers, who remind me of half of my college Freshman Honors Dorm. So sweet and oh so socially unacceptable, they prove the old adage that beauty ain’t everything. They are so truly in love with each other and the opportunity to travel the world together, I can’t help but love them to death. Ok, so I wouldn’t fuck either of them, but I would ask them for help with my science project and laugh with them the whole damn time.

Ray & Yolanda, the requisite long-distance dating couple, are next. Ray hopes to learn something about Yolanda he hasn’t in the FIVE years they’ve been together, but apart. Five years, people. If you haven’t had the urge to get closer yet, I’d call it on account of lack of interest. They obviously packed light by leaving their sense of humor behind in the states. If they’ve smiled yet this race, I musta blinked and missed it. But, otoh, failure to smile will prevent wrinkles and they are damn fine-looking for miserable people. Team Sourpuss. Bleh.

Starting in sixth place, nearly 2 hours behind the first team, is the mother-daughter duo of Wanda & Desiree, who could easily pass for sisters, if’n you don’t look too close. These Latino beauties are the stuff of just about every teen’s wet dreams. Damn Fester stole my nickname for them, so I’m stealing it back. Team Spanglish. Desiree notes that her mom has a tendency to overreact the tense situations and can imagine things to be worse than they are. Foreshadow much??

Seven o’clock finally rolls around and the first 6 teams jog to the starting place for the zipline. Shaggy & Scooby demonstrate why potheads aren’t allowed in the armed forces, singing “I don’t know what I’ve been told, zip kinds (the stoner version of the Freudian slip), zip lines, uh …” The teams get outfitter by their riggers, and Dorknamic Dave gives me a good giggle as he wriggles into his harness.

Cut to Lake & Michelle, married couple from somewhere they speak some type of Bavarian English, because I can only understand every third word. He waxes hillbilly about being glad Michelle hasn’t slowed him down too much. Lake is a misnomer. While he may feel Superior, he is so full of hillbilly hubris, he much more akin to pond scum. Between his berating and her sitting and taking it, they simply don’t deserve a nickname. Michelle reads the arrow and says turn right, Lake turns left and tells her to STFU. When he realizes he’s lost, he pitches a hissy and wonders aloud that “we don’t know the first turn out of the damn gate.” If looks could kill, Michelle’s facing a life sentence without parole.

Danielle and Danni are next. Which is which? No one knows and no one cares. They plan to use, in this order, their hearts, then bodies, then boobs. They completely leave out the thought of using their brains, guaranteeing their success in the race. With the big eyes and even bigger boobs, these girls are Bratz dolls come to life.

Shaggy’s the first down the zipline and manages to figure out its intricacies. Gosh, I hope the other teams are taking notes. Scooby follows and they receive their next clue – fly to Moscow, Russia! Find Chaika Bassein to get the next clue. For some reason, the guys get very excited about the fact that they need to get to the bus station and claim a departure time to Sao Paolo airport, so they celebrate with a painful headbutt and a few “tatows,” which Scooby explains is the source of their power and the circle of the universe. I have no idea if this is a real word or how to spell it, but I am pretty sure, given the reverence with which they say it, it means a three foot long sub they can eat in two gulping bites.

Team Ron Jeremy navigates the treacherous zip line next and manage not to make a sexual reference. Joseph and Monica follow. Ho-hum.

As the first teams are leaving, Spanglish, Team Sourpuss and the Bratz are arriving. Lake & Michelle are still lost, and Lake stands atop the care to get a better view of the middle of nowhere.

Finally, at 8:24, married Seniors Fran & Barrry depart the pitstop. Now, I know it can sometimes be tough for the older teams to keep up with the young & the fit, but these two are certainly not making it any easier on themselves. Leg one, Fran decides that since she’s handy, she can put together a motorcycle. She was wrong. Leg two, they decide to scale a rock wall rather than make ethanol from sugar cane. They suck at that too. Of course, the car battery dying on them at the end of that leg wasn’t technically their fault, but it couldn’t have happened to a more derving couple. And each and every time, they lament their bad fortune and are ready to throw in the towel. I call them Team Woe is Me. As they take off for the dreaded zipline, Fran announces they are hot to trot. I shiver and have a nasty flashback of a night at Grandma and Grandpas when I innocently walked into their bedroom to get ask for a glass of water and burnt out my retnas at the site of naked writhing wrinkle sacs. And no, I am not sorry I put that image into your heads. Hell, if I had to live it, you can hear it described.

Team Sourpuss takes the zipline and almost smiles, but not quite. Yet Desiree is all smiles, despite the fact she announces to the viewing public that she is about the pee her pants, and the pair make it across the harrowing ravine.

Shaggy & Scooby are the first to the bus station and grab a seat on the 9:15 bus with RonJeremy, HoHum and the Dorknamic Duo. Well, I sure am glad the teams out in front get to keep their lead this time. I mean, forty-five minutes ought to be plenty of time to book a great flight to Moscow from Brazil and leaving the trailing teams in the dust, right?

Lake and Michelle finally complete their three mile, hour long ride to the zipline. Upon learning their destination, Lake remarks “Daggumit, I was hoping we wouldn’t have to go to Russia.” Geez, I hope they got their commie innoculation before they went on this trip.

Back at the bus depot, Ron Jeremy and the Bratz, who get on the 10:00 am bus with teams Sourpuss and Spanglish, flirt while a porn riff is playing in the background. At least the producers have a sense of humor. The girls talk about how much they enjoyed “spending time” with these two sleeziods at the last pitstop, confirming their plan not to use their brains on this race.

On the way to the bus depot, Michelle confirms to Lake that the clue is not magic and still says Moscow, Russia, at which time he tells her not to be ugly to him because he’s treated her so daggum nice so far. Michelle almost leaves the clue bag behind in the car and gets chastised once again by Lake. Good thing he’s not being ugly to her. Apparently, “shut up, Bitch” is just a pet name.

Long after they other teams are en route to the airport, Fran and Barry arrive at the bus depot to discover they are the only team on the last bus. They cringe, they “Oh God,” they wonder if this is the end, my friend.

One by one, every fucking team gets tickets on the same flight to Moscow, via Frankfurt, Germany. The Bratz defy their strategy and actually have the foresight to ask a Russian traveler to write down some handy Russian words for them, then immediately share their advantage with RonJeremy. I then witness Dani(elle?) getting her hat stolen and hair mussed by Scuz #1, the exact same behavior that got my 9 year old son sent to the principal last week.

7300 hundred miles later, every fucking team arrives in Moscow at the same time. They hop cabs to Chaka Bassein. Like good little communists, pooling their resources for the common good, Dave & Lori and HoHum share a taxi, as do the Bratz and RonJeremy. And who says these racers have no appreciation for foreign cultures. Oh, never mind, Monica explains all she knows about Russian culture, glean from action-adventure films, no doubt – they smoke and drink a lot.

Oh, by the way, it’s cold. So cold just about every team has to comment on the fact that it’s fucking cold outside in Russia.

Roadblock at Chaka Bassein – Who wants to “Take the Plunge?” The chosen person must jump from a 10 meter platform and swim under water to retrieve the next clue. Unfortunately for them, Teams Sourpuss and Spanglish must have gotten clues written in Russian, because they assign the task to the partner who can’t even fucking swim. Michelle doesn’t want to do it, because she might have to get naked in front of the Russians.

Shaggy jumps, and Barry jumps. The men have donned provided speedos and each time we are subjected to the most unfortunate of camera angles – the underwater crotch-cam. Yeah, ok guys, we know, it’s very very cold out there. Uh huh. Whatever you say.

Yolanda climbs to her certain death as Ray asks something he’s been dying to know about her for the past five years – can she doggie paddle? The concern is underwhelming. Yolanda stutters a few times and then jumps and splashes down as ominous music accompanies her whining, sobbing, dog-paddlin’ ass to the clue. Hey, this isn’t survivor, people, you don’t have to take turns sitting out the roadblocks. Surely, one of the upcoming roadblocks would more fit her talents – a frown-off in Nepal for instance?

Lake, Eric (?) (I still don’t know which is which and I am afraid to look too close to find out, seeing as I don’t have a barf bag handy) and Danielle jump. RonJeremy saves their cab to share with the Bratz and tell the driver to wait for the two girls with the big boobies. In case the driver doesn’t understand the nuances of the English language, they use hand signals to describe them. I throw up a little in my mouth. And I wonder, do these girls have a different impression of the boys with the sex-addled brains upon viewing this from home? And will Eric or Jeremy ever get a date again?

Monica jumps. As bad a fashion choice the Speedos were for the men, the women’s selection was worse, because it meant Monica didn’t get to jump in this outfit:

which for once and for all dispells the notion that Barbie was impossibly proportioned.

Wanda is the last to jump. And she was the obvious choice of the two, seeing as diving underwater is her.greatest.fear.in.the.world. She jumps no problem, but flips the fuck out when she has to dive 5 feet under to get the clue. She sobs uncontrollably that “I can’t make myself go down!” At first I thought “what a ridiculous thing to say,” then I remembered I said pretty much the same thing to the mister last Saturday night. Ok, having share too much, let’s move on, shall we?

Scooby & Shaggy arrive at the beautiful (I missed the name of it) Cathedral to get their next clue.

Detour – Choose between these two impossible tasks

Scrub: Search endlessly for a trolley park known only to three cab drivers in the entire city and wash a filthy trolley that’s been carting filthy disgusting Russians around filthy disgusting Moscow and wait for the results of the tox screen to come back negative before receiving your next clue …

Or Scour – Search through 1500 Russian Matrioshka Nesting Dolls for one of ten microscopic clues – without a microscope even! Not only are there just gazillions of those dolls, this task requires the teams to be surrounded by beclogged twirling dancers who might last about five minutes in the room with me before I strangle their brightly-clad asses. The only thing worse than this insipid detour is if they have to open all those fucking dolls to find Charla reading their next clue. (Hat tip to Estee for the image)

So in love with the thought of sitting on RonJeremy’s lap in the cab, the Bratz forget their clue bag – passports, money, clues and all – back at the Roadblock. They alight from the shared cab to make their way back as RonJeremy bemoan the fact that the girls’ stupidity might cost the guys a quality shag at the next pitstop.

At just about the same time, RonJeremy, Fran &amp;amp;amp;amp; Barry, Lake & Michelle & the Sourpusses arrive at the Cathedral. Michelle reminds Lake there is no running in this sacred place, so he naturally bolts for the clue box at full tilt. Team Sourpuss picks the Matrioshka, and RonJeremy and Micelle & Lake follow them blindly, thinking they are heading to “scour.” I mean, the black couple has to be going to scrub something, don’t they?

Back at Chaika Bassein, Desiree wells up with tears as her mother finally conquers her greatest fear of diving 5 feet under water. Just as they are leaving, the Bratz return for their clue bag, which has been sitting in the locker room for quite a long time untouched. Sounds like the Russian economy is on the up-tick, as the bag wasn’t stolen by some filthy Russian in need of cigarettes and vodka.

Scooby & Shaggy and Team Woe is Me picked the wrong cabbies, get lost looking for the apparently non-existent Trolley park, give up and head to the site of the great nesting doll massacre of 2006. Beating them there are the Sourpusses, RonJeremy and Michelle & Lake, who get bitchslapped by the Sourpusses when they complain about the shitty detour Ray & Yolanda led them to. “Pick your own damn detour,” Yolanda growls. I smile. She doesn’t.

Team Spanglish and Team Bratz arrive at the Catherdral for the clue, and the Latino lovelies choose the trolleys, as Wanda is a self-proclaimed cleaning pro. Let’s just hope the trolleys aren’t at the bottom of a pool. The Bratz don’t ask their cab to wait, and then whine as they try to hail another that their hearts aren’t getting them a cab. Had they been using their brains, they’d have realized the boobies might have worked. They finally find a cab parked at the curb around the corner and are off to the trolley park.

Back at the dolls, RonJeremy and Lake & Michelle luck into their not-so-microscopic, but definitely tiny, clues which tell them to search Red Square behind St. Basile’s Catherdral for Phil. Oh, shit. Fuck me. No “Head to the pit stop,” no “last team to arrive …” Would ya look at the time. 10:55 pm. Bite me, bite me. You mean not a one of these stupid fucking teams is getting the axe tonight? I can name at least three who deserve the boot based on game play and two who should go on principle alone. We have enough stupid on the nightly news, now I have to watch all ten of these dumbass teams again next week? Cripes, more happens in the first 25 minutes of an American Idol elimination episode than this entire god-damned hour. Ptooey.

Dave & Lori and HoHum, who have been driving from what seems like dawn to dusk in search of the trolley park, finally find it. And it’s a scrub-off, with the teams sloshing soap and water over the trolleys. There is nothing whatsoever amusing about this and it’s dark so I am not sure how anyone can tell if these trolleys are clean, and now I am just waiting for the TBC, so fuck it, back to the dolls.

Fran and Barry arrive at the dolls as Team Sourpuss find their clue. Scooby and Shaggy aren’t far behind and the luck of the hippies is with them, as they seem to find theirs in record time. Ya know, I have thought since episode one that these two look familiar to me. I think I’ve finally placed them. I am 97% convince I bought a veggie burrito and a phatty dank gooball from them out the back of their VW bus at a Phish show once.

Team Woe is Me is heard to exclaim “If it’s not in that one, we’ll just give up, finished.” Barry tries to support his wife by telling her “It’s impossible.” I am not sure what these two expected on this race and not sure what they thought they could bring to it, but skill and entertainment are not among their strengths. Impossible isn’t even eating four pounds of meat or driving a double-decker bus through an obstacle course, and both of those were measurably harder than opening up and finite number of nesting dolls to find a clue. Tedious, maybe. Impossible, shut up you stupid whiny, morons. I? am not a fan.

RonJeremy and Lake & Michelle arrive at Red Square to look for Phil. Dayum, that place is HUGE. I wonder if Fran & Barry will think it’s impossible. RonJeremy arrives first, only to have Phil tell them the leg isn’t over and gives them their next clue.

Next time on the Amazing Race – Fran & Barry (who obviously do the impossible and find a fucking clue at the last detour) surprise us by struggling with the next one. Team Spanglish gets lost and bitch each other out, and hopefully someone named after a body of water crashes in a racecar.