The Amazing Race Season Ten

Episode Ten: The One That's Vaguely Reminiscent

by Dweeze

Previously on The Amazing Race: The Cho Brothers were eliminated in an episode that can only be described as unsummarizable.

We start tonight with four teams and three episodes left, a set-up that screams non-elimination. Tyler and James, the first team to arrive, are, predictably enough, the first to leave. The clue says they are going to Morocco. Once there, they need to find an antique shop, where they will get a clue and a trinket. They tell us in confessional that they hope Dustin and Kandice, who are the next to leave, are the next eliminated, as they are the toughest competition.

Dustin and Kandice, as they leave, tell us that they are being driven by the spirit of competition. Dustin adds that she wrote a paper on Morocco in college. Take that, doubters of Beauty Queen Intelligence!

Next out are Rob and Kimberly. Kimberly says Rob is learning how to calm down, learning that he can’t control everything, and that he shouldn’t freak out when something happens he can’t control. They proceed to have car trouble again, and Rob shows us the new him by calmly restarting the car.

Cut to the airport, where Dustin and Kandice have managed to arrive before James and Tyler. The blondes get tickets on a flight through Italy. The flight goes to Rome, then to Casablanca, where they have to catch a connecting flight. Tyler and James, when they arrive, are unable to get the same tickets, settling on a more direct flight, but one that also goes through Casablanca. In fact, not only does it go through Casablanca, they will be on the same connecting flight as the blondes from Casablanca on, which many of you will find reminiscent of my porn debut, Connecting Directly Into Her Flight Plan.

Cut back to the Pit Stop, as Lyn and Karlyn leave. She says she is proud that they are the last remaining team from the Six Pack. She adds that they started the race by themselves, and they will finish it by themselves.

Rob and Kimberly arrive at the airport, getting the same tickets as Tyler and James. They at first tell Dustin and Kandice they will arrive in Casablanca before them, then confess that they are only kidding. Those wacky funsters! Rob tells us that Dustin and Kandice are arrogant.

Lyn and Karlyn arrive and get the same tickets. Well, no, they don’t. They get the same final flight, however, but with a three hour layover in Paris instead of a layover in Casablanca. They use the time to buy and study a map.

Eventually all four teams end up in Casablanca, making the connecting flight to their final destination, which is unpronounceable by Americans. The teams get there, and we have the usual post-flight taxi scramble. Lyn and Karlyn are the first to reach the antique shop, proving that studying maps pays off. How were they able to find it first? Easy. Rob and Kimberly and Tyler and James all decided to follow Dustin and Kandice, and Dustin and Kandice ended up stopping several times to find directions. This allowed Lyn and Karlyn to pass them all.

Lyn and Karlyn get their clue and their trinket. It’s a small necklace, and much easier to carry than a Travelocity gnome, which many of you will find reminiscent of my porn writing debut, She Wore A Gnome's Pearl Necklace. The clue directs them to nearby Atlas Studios, where another clue, and a Yield, awaits them. They stop and ask a local for directions, then insist that he get in the vehicle and ride with them. The terrified young man reluctantly agrees.

Back with the other three teams, Dustin and Kandice have attracted a group of young men bent on re-enacting the rape scene from Two Women. Rob and Kimberly and James and Tyler choose this moment to leave the blondes behind. Great work, guys. The blondes get away, however, and are able to grab a passerby to act as their guide.

Rob and Kimberly and Tyler and James arrive at the antique shop at the same time. They discover one clue gone, and assume that somehow Dustin and Kandice beat them there. If that isn’t an indication of how they feel about their abilities to use a map, nothing is. I mean, they just left them behind and somehow they got ahead of them? And to discount the possibility that Lyn and Karlyn, who passed them, got the clue first? Idiots. Morons. Imbeciles.

Meanwhile, Lyn and Karlyn have arrived at Atlas Studios. They have decided to yield Kandice and Dustin, and are disappointed to discover that the studios are closed til morning. The decision to yield the blondes is a good one; they are certainly the best of the other three teams. Tyler and James and Rob and Kimberly arrive, shocked to discover they have been beaten by Lyn and Karlyn. Eventually Dustin and Kandice arrive, and we are all bunched til morning.

The studios open, and Tyler and James, the best remaining athletes, win the footrace to the Cluebox and the Yield Stand. They opt not to yield anyone. So do Rob and Kimberly. Dustin and Kandice, the third team to arrive, choose to yield Lyn and Karlyn. Hmm. The third place team yields the last place team. Can’t fault that strategy.

The Roadblock involves one team member riding in a chariot race and trying to grab two colored flags (sorry, two flags of color) from a wire above the track. Tyler takes the task, as does Rob. Rob tells us he decided to do the Roadblock because Kimberly doesn’t like horses and adds that he thinks horses don’t like her. This is in voiceover to grainy black and white footage, which many of you will find reminiscent of my porn editng debut, Horse Play 4. Sorry. My bad. The footage is actually the previous challenge where a horse bucked her, not footage of some cheap movie where a horse... Ahem.

By the way, had Peter and Sarah still been in the race, Peter would have made Sarah do the task. Naked. Without her prosthetic leg. Sick bastard.

Dustin also chooses to do the task, and Kandice tells her to choose a fast horse. Like they are marked, “Fast,” “Slow,” “Average.” Anyway, the three teams take off on the race as Lyn and Karlyn wait for the yield to end. They bitch considerably to the camera about being yielded by the blondes, despite the fact that they themselves were planning to yield the blondes. Karlyn tells us that she and Lyn have character and the blondes don’t, and that she and Lyn can sleep at night. I’m betting the blondes don’t have any trouble getting to sleep either, Karlyn.

As the race goes on, a chariot loses a wheel. It would be appropriate if it were Rob’s chariot, considering the vehicle trouble they have had, but it isn’t. Instead, it is just a non-TAR racer’s chariot. Rob is able to finish the task first, followed by Dustin. It takes James longer to finish. Probably because of the drugs still in his system.

As Dustin and Kandice leave, Karlyn flips them off. So wait. You yielding them would have been a good thing. They yielding you is a horrible thing. Guess where you stand does really depend on where you sit.

Rob and Kimberly are leaving at the same time. The clue sends them to a café. The two teams decide to team up to find it, and drive off with Rob and Kimberly in the lead. As they drive along, Rob tells us that Dustin and Kandice using the yield was a crappy move. And believe me, Rob knows crappy. They stop to ask directions, and Dustin and Kandice notice that Rob and Kimberly have a flat tire. However, they decide not to tell them anything. Now that’s a crappy move. It’s only after they start driving again, and Rob notices the car is driving roughly, do the blonds pull alongside, roll down their window, and yell at Rob that they have a flat tire, making it the third time Rob and Kimberly have had major vehicle trouble during the race.

Meanwhile, James has finished the task and he and Tyler have set off. The yield has ended, and Lyn and Karlyn move onto the Roadblock, with Karlyn doing the task. Lyn tells us that they were yielded because they were a threat, then says that Dustin and Kandice should not have yielded them because the blonds should want a slow team that can’t run in the final three. First, Lyn, doesn’t that imply that you aren’t a threat? Second, please explain how Dustin and Kandice were supposed to yield a team that was in front of them. No matter; Karlyn finishes the task quickly and she and Lyn are off to the café.

We’re now treated to some hot driving action. Well, in the case of Rob and Kimberly, some hot tire changing action. Except Rob can’t find the jack. Indeed, he insists there isn’t a jack, all the while we are given a shot of the jack in the back of the vehicle. Apparently it’s easier for a cameraman to find a jack than a racer.

Dustin and Kandice have already passed by, getting to the café and finding the next clue. Tyler and James have made up time on the road and arrive at the café closely after them. Lyn and Karlyn are not far behind either, not stopping for directions like the other three teams. They see Rob and Kimberly at the side of the road, but choose not to stop to help.

The clue at the café begets a Detour. Let’s sing, shall we? Or shall we not? Makes no difference to me.

A detour is a choice between two tasks
Between two tasks
Between two tasks
A detour is a choice between two tasks
Each with its own pros and cons

Our two tasks are Throw It and Grind It, which many of you will find reminiscent of the title of my porn directing debut, Throw Her and Grind Her. In Throw It, teams must find a pottery shop and throw two “properly made” pots. In Grint It, teams find an olive farm and, using a horse and an olive mill, must grind seventy-seven pounds of olives and fill pressing sleeves with them. There are only three stations at each task, making them semi-first come, first-served. I suppose technically they would be first three come, first three served, which many of you will find reminiscent of the title of my porn comeback, First Three Served, First Three Cum.

Tyler and James decide to do Throw It, reasoning, and I use that term loosely, that the pottery shop is nearby. Dustin and Kandice use the same logic for choosing Grind It, believing that the clue instructs them to go back to the town they just left. They get in their car and set off. Tyler and James are about to do the same, when they realize, and I swear to God that I am not making this up, that the task does not actually throwing pottery, the task involves making pottery. Seriously.

They then take off for Grind It, but not before they see Lyn and Karlyn arrive at the café. Either Lyn and Karlyn made the greatest recovery in the history of the race, or James and Tyler are the worst direction followers in the… Oh yeah. They are. Lyn and Karlyn choose Grind It – Karlyn was an art major in college, and tells Lyn that throwing too perfect pots will take too much time.

All three teams eventually drive by Rob and Kimberly. Rob has either found the jack, or the cameraman pointed it out to him, and Rob is changing the tire. He curses Dustin and Kandice, receives information (though not assistance) from James and Tyler, and says nothing about Lyn and Karlyn. He finishes and they rush ahead to get the clue, choosing Grind It.

More hot, sweaty driving action. Dustin and Kandice have missed road to the olive farm and are lost. This allows Tyler and James and Lyn and Karlyn to get to the olive farm and begin the task. Rob and Kimberly are also able to get to the olive farm before the blond, making all three grinding stations are full when Dustin and Kandice finally get there.

Believe me, if you thought the hot, sweaty, glistening driving action was thrilling, wait til you see olive grinding footage. It should be rated XXXXXXXXXX for eXXXXXtremely

(wait for it)

boring.

I’m not going to recap all the olive grinding twists and turns, just tell you that Tyler and James finish first, followed shortly by Lyn and Karlyn. The clue they receive for finishing the task instructs them to go to the next Pit Stop at a Nomadic Barber Shop, marked on the road by a boulder with a race flag painted on it. It might have been a Nomadic Berber Camp. I get confused. No matter; the two teams head off for the Pit Stop at roughly the same time, with Tyler and James holding a slight lead. They stretch the lead a little, get to the Pit Stop, park their vehicle, and head off down the trail for Phil, then draw to a halt, remembering that they forgot the trinket (remember it) they got at the start of the race. They start back to their car.

Meanwhile, Lyn and Karlyn have arrived and also take off, grabbing the trinket. They get out of the car, look around, and Lyn says she hates looking for Phil, that Phil should be in places where people can find him, which many of you will find reminiscent of the title of my AVN award-winning movie, Filling You In Places Where People Can Find Us. They meet James and Tyler running back, and yet James and Tyler are still able to reach the car, get the trinket, and beat Lyn and Karlyn to the mat. It’s a close finish, with no time for them to spare, but they are able to do it. Can you say “let’s make sure they reach the final three so we can eliminate one team from winning before the leg even begins”? Of course you can.

Phil welcomes Tyler and James as winners, then asks to see the trinket. It matches the one worn by the greeter, and they win the leg prize, fancy-schmancy cell phones. Whoop dee doo! Lyn and Karlyn are second, and they get nothing and they’ll like it!

Back at Grind It, Rob and Kimberly have finished and head off to the Pit Stop. Dustin and Kandice have made up good ground and appear to be right behind them. At the very least, that’s how it is edited. Rob and Kimberly reach the mat first, are happy to be third, and then a few minutes of screen time later Dustin and Kimberly walk somberly to the mat. Let’s go to the actual dialogue.

Phil: Dustin and Kandice, I’m sorry to tell you that you are the last team to arrive. However, because you are hot white chicks, with breasteses marginally bigger than mine, we decided to make this a non-elimination leg.

Dustin: Really?

Phil: No, not really.

Kandice: So we’re eliminated?

Phil: Oh no, it’s a non-elimination leg. It’s just that it was a planned non-elimination leg, not a non-elimination leg because you’re hot white chicks with breasteses marginally bigger than mine. I bet summary writers across the net called it as a non-elimination leg at the start of their summaries. Whoever finished last, even Lyn and Karlyn, would be spared. The fact that you are hot white chicks with breasteses marginally bigger than mine is just gravy. And everyone likes gravy.

On the next Amazing Race: The blondes are still in the race, which is just like getting more gravy. Which many of you will find reminiscent of my farewell to porn White-Gravy Coated Blondes.

  ¶ 12:19 PM 1 Comments

  The Amazing Race 10, Episode 9 Requiem For A Coalminer (And Wife)

By Diamond

Okay, so before I get into things here, I just want you all to know how much adversity I had to overcome just to bring you this summary. You see, my fake crap-ass sorry excuse for a Tivo from DirecTV does not want me to watch reality TV. I’m not kidding. For some reason, it refuses to record both Survivor and The Amazing Race, even though it has no problem recording anything else. And I can’t write a summary unless I record the show and watch it several times first (and you wondered why it takes me so damn long to write these things). With Survivor, it shows the little record icon on the show, but just doesn’t record. It likes to taunt me with that icon. With this show, it just likes to lose the record icon a few days before the show, even though I know I set it. Like I said, it doesn’t do anything like this with any other show I watch, only these two. It’s truly bizarre. So anyway, it took a monumental effort to make sure this episode was recorded in some form. Not only did I recheck the settings on my fake crap-ass non-Tivo a thousand times, but I also set up the VCR to tape it as well. Because that’s just how dedicated I am. You’re welcome.

Anyway, so if this is a summary, I suppose I should, like, summarize some sort of shit or something? Yeah, let’s do that.

Previously on the Amazing Race: Six teams raced from Mauritius to Madagascar, and were shocked - SHOCKED! - to discover a new twist, the Intersection, which sounds much kinkier than it actually was. And if I may editorialize for a moment, I really think this Intersection thing would have been a lot more interesting if they’d done it when there were more teams around, and the Fast Forward wasn’t also an option, because it meant there were way too few groups. But anyway, the daters and the models/drug addicts teamed up to do the Fast Forward, which involved the eating of cow lips, an alleged “delicacy,” which I’m not sure I believe. I suspect it’s more of a “in a poor country you eat every last part of the animal because you can’t afford to waste anything,” but that’s just me. That was not the only thing deceptive about the Fast Forward, the other being the “fast” and the “forward” parts, as the beauty queens ended up coming in first place. David and Mary, coalminer and wife, despite coming in second-to-last place, were eliminated because they got the 30-minute marked-for-elimination penalty. What we didn’t see was that immediately after their elimination, they were summarily executed by the production staff. Well, maybe. The details are a little fuzzy, but I think that’s what happened. In any case, it happened not a moment too soon, because hell if I wanted to try summarizing the garbled mishmash of words that pass for English coming out of their mouths.

Opening credits. Wait, who the hell are all these people? They were on the show? Are they sure?

Commercials. I still haven’t decided if this wacky Russian dude who suddenly seems to be everywhere is funny or creepy. I just noticed that the CSI: Maimi promo has overpowering orange overtones. Do you think they do that to complement David Caruso’s orangeness, or to try to distract from it?

Now onto the show. We rejoin our teams at the pit stop in Madagascar. You know what I miss? The eating, drinking, and mingling with the teams. They never show that anymore. Although maybe they realized that these teams are so deadly dull that there would really be no point.

Dustin and Kandice, the blond and kind-of-annoying-but-not-enough-to-be-interesting-in-a-villainous-
sort-of-way beauty queens, are the first to depart at 2:56 am. They’re told to fly to Helsinki, Finland, where they must find a coffee shop for some crass, product-placed shilling for AOL. And wait, isn’t AOL free now? How do they make the money required to pay for this? And really, does anyone still use AOL? Phil says that due to poor production planning limited availability of tickets out of the country, teams have been given tickets to Paris, France, where they will have to make their own arrangements to get to Finland. But they don’t actually have to use the tickets if they can find something better.

One of the queens (no idea which one) says people are mistaken if they think the queens get handed everything. No! They work hard! They sweat, they cry, they fight to win! If you cut a beauty queen, does she not bleed?? (Sorry. I’m not sure that makes sense here, but it kept popping into my head every time I watched this.) The queens tell us the Paris flight doesn’t leave till 9:40 at night and wonder if people in Finland wear wooden shoes. I guess all that hard work they were talking about was in places other than school.

Tyler and James, the models/actors/drug/addicts/whatevers (henceforth known as the whatevers) are next to leave at 3:08 am. One of them says something boring and pointless.

Next off are Rob and Kimberly, the generic fighting daters, at 3:14 am. Rob says they have a bond with the whatevers, not so much with the queens. No one cares.

Fourth to leave are Erwin and Godwin at 3:24 am. Out of all the teams left, they are probably the ones I would root for, given how worthless everyone else is, and the brothers seem like the ones who might be the least offensive to hang out with in real life. But the things is, they’re playing this race (key word here: “race”) so stupidly that self-respect does not allow me to cheer for them. It’s very disappointing.

Anyway, one brother - again, no idea which one; all I know is one has short hair and the other has a ridiculous ponytail (and for the rest of my life, whenever I see a guy with hair like that, I will hear in my head, “He is NOT Mr. Sensitive Ponytail Man”; and yes I know they have medication to treat that) - says they miss Dave and Mary will run this leg in memory of them. Because they’re dead, you see.

Ponytail: (laughing) That makes it sound like they’re under the grave.

Well, at least there’s some evidence that he has some shred of self-awareness, however miniscule. But still, give me a break. I expect this sort of nonsense from the nitwits that play Survivor. The Amazing Race is supposed to the classy operation in the reality TV stable. Get it together, people.

The queens arrive at the airport and tell the ticket agent they need tickets to Helinski (yeah, not a typo), Finland. The whatevers show up and tell us how they and the blonds are in a relationship of mutual using. It’s not interesting. Nor is the physical interaction between these two teams. You’d think there’s be at least a little flirting, because that’s what attractive people do, but there’s nothing. (As has been pointed out before, it’s probably because they’re too in love with themselves to notice anyone else.) God this is dull.

Rob and Kimberly show up. Everyone learns that there’s a flight to Johannesburg at 5:00 am, and they should be able to get flights to Helsinki from there. All three teams get tickets.

Finally, Lyn and Karlyn pull up the rear at 3:55 am. Of the them says she has Dave’s hat and still feels them there in spirt. Because they’re dead, remember? Also, wearing his hat? Which is probably disgustingly dirty by now? Gross.

At the airport, the first three teams make their way to the Johannesburg flight. The Chos show up and get tickets, and then when Lyn and Karlyn (henceforth known as the whiners, for lack of a better name, and because I need something short to type) show up, they inexplicably tell them about the Johannesburg flight. And okay, I know it’s not inexplicable. It can be explained by the fact that the Chos are Unclear On The Concept of “race.” Dude. There are five teams left. Here’s an idea: self-preservation. Learn it, love it, live it. When you are consistently coming in near the back of the pack, it’s really not in your best interest to be helping other people, because you are going to get your ass eliminated, and then where will you be? (Answer: dead, apparently.) This isn’t about friendship. You can play a game against your friends and still try to beat them, and it’s okay. Like, when I play fantasy football with my friends, I don’t say, hey, I guess I’ll bench LaDainian Tomlinson this week, because it just isn’t nice to score so many points against my friends. You know why I don’t do that? Because it’s fucking stupid, is why. Jesus.

Anyway, there’s some doubt about whether the whiners can get on the flight, but they whine and cajole and eventually guilt trip the ticket agents into letting them on. Everyone flies to Johannesburg, then on to Addis Ababa, Ethiopia, Frankfurt, Germany, and finally, Helsinki. That is one long-ass trip.

Everyone arrives in Helsinki and gets in cabs. The daters bicker. Snore. The whiners say they’re still aligned with the Chos, but it’s down to five teams, and they’ll do what they have to do to win. Wow, it’s like they think this is a race or something! They also bitch about the queens being pretty. Snore some more.

The queens and the whatevers find the coffeeshop and log into AOL to find video messages from their families. I’d make fun of them if I had the energy to care. After completing this “task,” they get their clue, which tells them to take a train to a school. The other three teams get their messages and clues. There is weeping. Everyone makes it to the train station, and there is bunching.

On the train, one of the whatevers educates us on the benefits of moisturizer. Fascinating.

Upon arriving at the train station, the queens and the whatevers find taxis, but the rest of the teams quickly discover they you can only get taxis in a special taxi line, which now happens to be full of Finns. The daters beg the people to let them cut in line, and the people, not realizing that the daters are not the only ones who’ll be doing this, let them. The brothers get in line, while the whiners decide to just cut in front of everyone, despite the protestations of a mild-mannered Finnish gentleman. Damn, it would have been nice to see some violence. Those Finns are just too polite. And also, where, may I ask, was the taxi driver in all this? He shouldn’t have allowed that shit. Let’s see what happens when these whiny assholes try to pull this stunt in a place like LaGuardia. The Chos lament their last-place fate due to being polite themselves.

Commercials. This Cheez-Its commercial, with the cheese wheel rolling around San Francisco, makes no sense. Also, the scary bottle of death on Survivor? Stupid.

The queens and whatevers make it to the school, where they find the Detour. Today, it’s Swamp This or Swamp That, ostensibly activities winter athletes use to stay in shape during the summer. In Swamp This, they have to cross-country ski a mile across a muddy field. In Swamp That, they have to go through a muddy obstacle course. Phil explains both tasks waist-deep in mud, with his waders barely covering the man-boobs.

The queens take the skiing. The whatevers take the obstacle course.

Rob and Kimberly find the school. Or do they?

The whiners arrive and take the skiing. Rob and Kimberly figure out they are actually at the wrong school. The queens and whiners get their skis on and take off. The whatevers…what’s the verb here? I need a word that describes going through the obstacle course, but I don’t think there is one. Bah. Anyway, they get dirty. Partway through the skiing, the queens discover they have to climb over a obstacle-wall thing and jump down, and wait, that doesn’t seem fair. Isn’t the point of this Detour that one option has obstacles and one doesn’t? I mean, if you were looking at these two options, and you knew you were going to have to get all muddy either way, then you might as well do the obstacle course, since it certainly looks more fun. I don’t know.

One of the whatevers sinks waist-deep into the mud and almost seems unable to get out. That doesn’t seem sanitary. Also, it reminds me of the Swamps of Sadness in The Neverending Story, so it gets my hopes up at least some of these people will be in foul enough moods that they’ll get sucked down into the swamp forever. As always, I suspect I will be disappointed. And indeed, the whatever is pulled out by the other whatever and they move on.

The daters finally arrive at the right place and choose the obstacle course.

More skiing. More…obtacling, I guess. The whatevers have to go piggyback style, prompting the one riding to slap the other one on the ass. Cute. (By which I mean, stupid.) The Chos seem to have shown up and some point, and have chosen obstacle. More obstacling, more skiing.

The whatevers and queens finish up and get the next clue, which tells them to take the train to Turku, then drive to a town called Lohja, where they have to find a limestone mine (the Tityrin Mine, which, the way Phil pronounces it, makes me giggle like a 12 year-old idiot; you know, because Phil knows from tits - mantits, that is; I’ll stop now).

As they get back to their cabs, the queens pass the whatevers because the whatevers decided to take the time to change. While the queens are happy about this, I’m not sure their cab driver is. His cab is going to reek like Jerry’s car in that one Seinfeld episode. You know which one I’m talking about.

Back at the Detour, the daters have caught up and finished ahead of the Chos and the whiners. At the train station, the queens and the whatevers make it onto a train that’s just about to leave, but the daters just barely miss it, and are pissed.

Commercials. Is Ron Livingston that hard-up for work that he had to become the Spring pitchman? I mean, I know Standoff sucks and will probably be cancelled eventually (not that it has stopped me from watching it - he is just so very, very pretty), but come on. This is just kind of sad. If I was stuck in a snowed-in airport waiting for a flight that might never take off, and someone whipped out a schlocky Hallmark musical Christmas toy, I think I might actually murder someone. Over-under on the number of episodes before this show 3 Lbs. gets cancelled? I’m putting my money on three.

The daters learn the next train is an hour behind. Rob wants to have his moment. Kimberly lets him, and shows him the hand. The Chos and the whiners show up.

On the first train, the whatevers get directions to the mine. The last three teams get on their train, where the Chos ask a guy for directions who turns out to work for a mining company (unclear if it is “the” mining company, or just “a”, but it doesn’t seem to matter). The Chos think this is fantastic, and proceed to worship him. No, really, they do. An onlooking Finnish woman is all, wow, these boys are weird.

The whatevers and the queens arrive and find Mercedes (Mercedeses?) waiting for them. A whatever calls the queens “crafty little girls.” Ew.

On the second train, Kimberly asks for directions to La Jolla. Wait, what? Apparently I must have blacked out and woken up weeks later during the finale, because the daters are headed for Southern California. Oh wait, no, she’s just a moron. Nevermind. After getting their directions, the daters make their way through the car the other two teams are in, not answering when one of the whiners asks if there’s a bathroom back there. Rob says they bug him. The whiners announce to the “party train” that the daters are not their friends, as if any of the other people there actually give a shit. What is this, third grade?

The whatevers and the queens locate the general area of mine, but the queens miss it and have to ask someone, so the whatevers get to it first. Because there’s only one tram down into the mine, the queens have to wait a few minutes for it to come back. They are annoyed, but only to the point where they exclaim, “darn it!” Come on, put more emotion into it than that! You’re beauty queens - you’re supposed to throw tantrums!

The daters arrive at the station and get their car, followed by the whiners and then the Chos. And the Chos are not happy that the whiners didn’t wait for them. Says the ponytailed brother, “Our style would have been to wait for them.” Yeah, because you are obviously participating in something called the Amazing Group Vacation. Problem is, the other teams are on something called the Amazing RACE. How have these two not been eliminated yet?

Roadblock. One team member has to ride a bike (a bike? Really? That’s how the actual miners get down into the mine?), fetch a block of limestone, haul it back, break it open, and get the clue from inside it. A whatever takes off on his bike, saying that he hasn’t had a chance to do many Roadblocks yet. So, have they gotten rid of that rule that says each person has to do certain number of them? Because I can’t remember anyone mentioning it at all this season, and that statement seems to imply that it’s not a rule anymore. Just wondering.

The tram comes back to pick up the queens, who think it’s “roller-coaster at Disneyworld awesome.” Somehow I doubt that. One of them says David would love this, because he spent all his time down in a cave. I don’t know, do you really think he would love it? I mean, I’m sure he’s proud of what he does, but at the same time, I don’t get the sense that mining is really something you’re, I don’t know, affectionate about. Like, do miners really love mines? They’re dirty and dangerous, and it seems like the kind of job you wouldn’t want if you had better options. Wow, that suddenly sounds really elitist, doesn’t it? I’m really not sure what I’m trying to say. I guess I’m just not sure Dave would be all, woohoo, a mine! By the way, when I first watched this scene, I didn’t catch the first part of what she said, so I only heard, “David spent all his time down in a cave.” Unlike all these idiots, I’d already completely forgotten about Dave and Mary, so I didn’t know who she was talking about. For a minute I actually thought she might be telling some sort of biblical story about King David. I mean, I was one of those people who also thought the prodigal son was Jesus, so…you can see how much I know about the Bible. Anyway, let’s just move on, shall we?

The bicycle-riding whatever finds the limestone, while one queen gets hers. The whatever starts back up, pushing the bike instead of riding. Wuss. Back at the cluebox, the remaining whatever and queen speculate about what the other two are doing down there, and the queen jokes that they’re probably making out. Yeah, I’m sure.

The whatever comes back and starts hammering his limestone (not code).

Whatever: It’s hammer time!

Okay, that was a little bit funny.

He orders it to break, and says it’s hammer time again. Dude, it wasn’t that funny. Once was enough. The limestone finally breaks, and they get their clue, which tells them to drive to the Olympic Stadium in Helsinki.

By the way, if you’re paying attention, they’ve finished both tasks. Usually the clue they get after the second task tells them to go to the pit stop. This one didn’t. So…I guess we’re getting a super-leg. Super.

The queen comes back with her limestone. The other one tells her to grab a pokey-thing (again, not code; however: stupid). She successfully breaks the limestone and gets their clue.

The last three teams get to the mine at the same general time, but for some reason Rob decides to drive in the wrong direction and almost manages to drive right into a mine-shaft. Good work. Eventually they make it to the right place, but have to wait, as the tram has already left with the Chos and the whiners. On the way down, in a truly bizarre scene, one of the whiners claps and yells, literally, like a four year-old. Yikes, where did that come from? It was uncomfortable to watch.

Commercials. Leaving aside the whole issue of whether or not a pizza from Domino’s could ever remotely resemble a real Brooklyn-style pizza, the thing that makes no sense about this commercial is that the guy who ordered the pizza asks the delivery guy what a Brooklyn-style pizza is. Huh? First of all, why would he order it if he didn’t know what it was? Also, if was going to ask anyone what it was, he would have asked the person on the phone, not the delivery guy. Seriously, it makes no sense.

The daters finally find the mine. The whatevers are on the road to Helsinki. The brothers and the whiners get the Roadblock, followed by the daters. As the non-ponytailed brother and a whiner bike down, the brother actually says, “Come on, Dave, help the remaining six-pack.” No, really. He just invoked the spirit of an eliminated contestant. Does that mean Dave is a saint now? I hope the Pope knows.

Limestone is collected. Rob careens recklessly down into the mine on his bike. The whatevers find the stadium but can’t seem to find the cluebox. The queens are still driving, thinking they are just ten minutes from the “pit stop.” The brother and the whiner make their way up with the limestone. Rob is hot on their tails, and actually manages to pass the whiner.

Clues are gotten. All three trailing teams end up on the tram back up together. A Cho gives a whiner a high-five, while Rob rolls his eyes. Such a pointless feud.

The whatevers still can’t find the clue box. Finally, they find it, and learn that they still have to climb up to the top of a tower and rappel down the side of it. And since there’s only a few minutes left, it’s quite obvious now that it’s a super-leg. Damn. I wanted to see someone (anyone) get eliminated.

Whatever: How long did we run around like idiots?

Only your whole lives, man, only your whole lives.

The first whatever rappels down. Face-first, by the way. The queens show up at the stadium.

Back on the road, the final three teams are trying to outmaneuver each other to get ahead. Unfortunately, no one gets run off the road (though I suppose it’s for the best - I wouldn’t want to see those pretty cars get smashed up). The Chos try to trashtalk Rob, and really, they are the worst badasses ever.

The second whatever starts his rappel, and it’s embarrassing. His technique is not what you would call skilled. But he makes it down alive anyway. Pity.

The three final teams reach the stadium and make a break for it. In yet another inexplicable bit of strategy, the Chos yell out to the whiners to let them know where the clue box is. Now, I guess I get what they are trying to do - they think it’s the pit stop, and they want their friends to get in ahead of the daters. But, the thing is, when you are so close to the other teams you are battling for last place, it’s really stupid to help anyone else, because you could very well end up in last place yourself. Self-preservation, dudes. The only thing that matters is you not being last. God, they are frustrating to watch.

Having finished the rappel, the whatevers get their clue and learn, dun, dun, dun, the leg is not over! (Cue scary, ominous music. Hey production dudes, it’s a super-leg, not a horror movie.)

On the next episode: Tanks! And the alliance between the Chos and the whiners is over. Over! Thank god.  ¶ 12:25 AM 2 Comments

  The Amazing Race Season Ten

Episode Eight: The One Where Three Guys Watch While One Girl Jams Things In Her Mouth

By Dweeze

Previously on The Amazing Race:

Uhm. You know, I’m not going to take the time to summarize. David and Mary came in last, weren’t eliminated, and are marked for elimination again.

Dustin and Kandice, the first to arrive, are, obviously enough, the first to leave. The clue tells them to take a flight to Madagascar, though everyone knows the best way to get to Madagascar is in a crate that falls off a ship. Once in Madagascar, they have to find the Black Angel, which, in a twist, has been painted white.

They need to take a car to the airport, but the clue says nothing about taking the same car they arrived in. As a result, they choose to abandon the car they crashed, leaving it solely because it has some dents, and take another team’s car. A pretty red car. They justify it by saying they aren’t there to win friends, to be in alliances, or to do anything other than win.

Tyler and James are next out, discovering that their vehicle is gone. So they take the other red car, which will prove to be the car belonging to Lyn and Karlyn. Tyler tells us that James is too passive, which requires him, Tyler that is, to be more dominant. Thanks for the insight into the sexual relationship, guys. James tells us he needs to be more assertive. They decide to wait for Rob and Kimberly, saying that the existence of the Six Pack has forced them into an alliance. When Rob and Kimberly reach the cars, Tyler and Rob disagree about the route to take to the airport.

Erwin and Godwin leave next, followed by Lyn and Karlyn and Mary and David. There are only seven minutes separating the departure times of the three teams. It hadn’t seemed that close last week. Indeed, only four minutes separate Lyn and Karlyn and Mary and David. Those four minutes made the difference in getting a thirty minute penalty.

In confessional, Erwin says that if there was a choice between coming in first on a leg and one of the other two teams being eliminated, they would give up first place. Nice thought, dude. What show are you on?

The three teams head off to the airport. Lyn and Karlyn decide to try a different route. As they do, they tell us how much they hate Dustin and Kandice for taking their car. Mary tells us that all she knows about Madagascar is from the movie.

There was a movie? Did it feature anything like this:



Sorry.

Anyway, we all reach the airport, and there is only one flight. One. That all teams get on. Imagine that. Leaving in the middle of the night, finding an airport with only one flight that leaves in the morning. Nothing important from the plane, except David telling Mary he would like to sit by the window, that he hasn’t had a window seat yet. Everyone? Awwww.

We arrive in Madagascar, and the Six Pack are out of the airport and into cabs first. They drive right by the lake where the Black Angel is located, and, indeed, see the big statue of a white angel in the middle of the lake. Of course, they drive right by it.

The other three teams also drive out, with Dustin and Kandice first. They quickly get passed by Tyler and James and Rob and Kimberly. Rob tells us that the people of Madagascar don’t live as long because they don’t get protein.

I’ll let that stand uncommented upon.

These three teams realize the statue is the place they want to go. Tyler and James get there first, finding a new twist, the Intersection. In the Intersection, two teams must work together as one until further notice. Tyler and James team up with Rob and Kimberly, leaving Dustin and Kandice to wait for another team to arrive. The two teams of beautiful people (Note: None of them are really all that beautiful) decide to do the Fast Forward. In this case, the Fast Forward involves eating. Cow lips. One plate per person.

One by one, the three Six Pack teams get back to the Black Angel. Along the way, either Karlyn or Lyn refers to herself as the Black Angel. Better than the Blue Angel, I guess. Or the Blue Angels, for that matter.

Lyn and Karlyn and David and Mary choose to, uhm, Intersect, leaving Erwin and Godwin to mate, uhm, Intersect, with Dustin and Kandice. These, folks, are the two best teams in the race this season. They are tasked with a Detour, which we all know is a choice between two tasks, between two tasks, between two tasks. Yes, a detour is a choice between two tasks each with its own pros and cons.

Our choices are Long Sleep and Short Letter, and I’m not going to describe Short Letter because no one does it. In Long Sleep, teams must select eight foam mattresses, cover them with cheap mattress covers, and then carry them someplace. The teams head out, though Mary and David and Lyn and Karlyn briefly debate going after the Fast Forward. Lyn says that if Tyler and James and Rob and Kimberly are already doing the Fast Forward, it would be a waste of time. Unless, of course, it was a Fast Forward they could do faster. And you know, what the hell do Lyn and Karlyn have to lose? They have a 30-minute lead on Mary and David due to the marked for elimination penalty, so why not see what the Fast Forward is, see if you can do it, and then, if you can’t, head out to the detour task? Idiots.

Cut to the Fast Forward, where we see the teams arrive and find themselves face to face with their task. The cow lips look disgusting, with hair and bone and teeth. James digs right in, because after sucking winos off for cash in dirty alleys, eating cow lips is nothing. But he is the only doing well. The other three struggle, and struggle mightily. Indeed, there is talk of quitting. Hmm. Think David and Mary and Lyn and Karlyn could have eaten their plates faster, especially if it meant the difference between elimination and staying in the race? Could be.

Erwin/Dustin/Godwin/Kandice finish putting covers on mattresses first, and find a local to lead them to their destination. Lyn/Mary/David/Karlyn do the same, and decide to use their fanny packs to tie the mattresses together. On the other hand, they head off in a completely different direction from the other two teams.

The Beauty Chos reach the destination first. After hauling mattresses for awhile, they got the bright idea to go forward, find the destination, then bring the mattresses, though they didn’t have the bright idea of leaving someone with their mattresses. The clue tells them the Intersection is over and they are on their own. They are to find another clue box near some stairs in the market district.

Kenbama are having worse luck, getting lost a couple of times and discovering that tying eight mattresses together may not be the best way to maneuver through crowds, streets, cars, animals, and other objects. Cut to the Fast Forward where little progress is being made except for James, who has already finished. There is much talk about how they can go slow, that the other four teams will have to do a detour and a roadblock, and how they can take their time and still finish first. The result of all this talk is that for the first time, I find myself annoyed with James and Tyler. Apparently Rob’s innate assholeness is contagious.

Dustin and Kandice get a cab before Erwin and Godwin, and don’t offer to share. You know, it would have been the least you could do, girls. The Cho Brothers get a cab, but are behind the two blondes. Dustin and Kandice find the next clue box first, finding a Roadblock. In this task, the person performing the Roadblock must get their clue stamped with four distinct stamps, a car, a train, a boat, and a plane. They must search through dozens of vendors to find the proper one. While one person performs the task, the other is taken to the next pit stop. Dustin opts to perform the task, and Kandice is taken to the pit stop. When she gets there, Phil is dancing along with the greeter, so Kandice takes a place among the dancers and joins with them in dance. Dance! Dance!

Cut to Godwin doing the task and Erwin going to the pit stop, there to be teased by Kandice. Cut back to the Fast Forward, where they have really made no progress. But at least they are still confident that there is no way they won’t finish ahead of the other teams! Cut to Mary/Karlyn/Lyn/David finishing the Detour and heading off to the Roadblock.

Dustin finishes getting stamped and heads off. Godwin seems to be going faster than she did, but it still takes time. We see Dustin find a cab and head off, only to have the cab run out of gas. We then see the Fast Forward Four finally finish and head off to the Pit Stop. Erwin finishes, gets a cab, and runs out of gas. We now have four teams racing to the Pit Stop, and if the editing is to be believed, they all finish close to each other. First in, though, is Dustin, giving her and Kandice consecutive first place finishes. Tyler and James are next, followed by Rob and Kimberly. Neither team remarks on their placement; perhaps they saw Erwin waiting and realized their Fast Forward was neither particularly fast nor forward. Erwin and Godwin then finish fourth. The same order as the last leg.

Back at the Roadblock, where Mary and Lyn are performing the task. Mary finishes first and heads off. Lyn finishes and also heads off. Her cab runs out of gas. Mary gets to the pit stop first, and Phil tells her and David that they need to wait 30 minutes before they can check in. There’s a brief attempt by the editing to make it look like they have a chance, but Lyn gets there and, after they are checked in and Phil waves Mary and David in, we are told that there were still 20 minutes left on the penalty, meaning Lyn was only ten minutes behind Mary. And with that, Mary and David are gone, promising that they are not going to raise their kids to sit at home, they are going to raise their kids to go off and see the world. Somehow, there’s some dust in the air, causing me to tear up briefly. Must just be the dust.

Next week? Mud!

  ¶ 2:08 PM 1 Comments