What's So Amazing?
Monday, October 30, 2006
Episode Seven: The One Where Dweeze Regrets Saying Nice Things About Some Of These People
Previously on The Amazing Race.
Ding dong, the Aryan obnoxious jerk is dead
Which Aryan obnoxious jerk?
Peter the Aryan obnoxious jerk!
Ding dong, the Aryan obnoxious jerk is dead
The Aryan obnoxious jerk is dead
Yeah, previously Peter and his fetish, Sarah, were eliminated. And the crowd went wild!
So what next? Well, we’re in the Middle East, and the teams can’t Kuwait to get out of there! Ha!
David and Mary, in first place because of the Fast Forward, get their clue, telling them to go to Mauritius, an island near Madagascar, and if you think I’m going to pass up the chance to include this:
quite frankly, you’re nuts. Or as Stephen A. Smith would say “QUITE FRANKLY, YOU’RE NUTS! NOW, HOW ABOUT SOME DELICIOUS CHEESE DOODLES?” and if that isn’t a sign I spend too much time at Deadspin, I don’t know what is.
In confessional, Mary tells us what we already know, that they got the Fast Forward because of the Cho brothers. She says the friendships they have made are woth more than a million dollars. Ever try to buy groceries with friendship, Mary? Not a good currency. She further tells us that the three teams, David and Mary, Erwin and Godwin, and Lyn and Karlyn, are calling themselves the Six Pack, after the Kenny Rogers movie of the same name.
David and Mary are first at the airport, and they are told the fastest flight available goes through London. They book the tickets and wait. And we, the home viewer are now in for about twenty minutes of hot airport action.
Seriously. We don’t get out of the airport before the first break. Dustin and Kandice arrive, don’t like the idea of booking through London, and head out for more information. Rob and Kimberly arrive, and get annoyed when they are ignored when they ask David and Mary what flight they are on. Erwin and Godwin arrive and are sent to the right counter by David and Mary. Lyn and Karlyn arrive, are also sent to the right counter only to find themselves behind Dustin and Kandice, who have concluded that this flight is the only flight. The only excitement in the whole sequence comes when Tyler and James show up and, despite the fact that they are behind Lyn and Karlyn, get their tickets booked by Dustin and Kandice, causing an argument between all three teams, a meaningless argument because there is only one flight and everyone got on it.
When teams arrive, they are to head for TAR cars. You know, the identical fleet lined up right next to each other when the producers want teams to drive themselves and get lost. The car has a model boat inside, and teams have to figure out where the boat is located and then swim to it.
Everyone arrives at the boat at about the same time, except for Tyler and James, who took a wrong turn and ended up in Albuquerque. We are then treated (Dustin, Kandice) or punished (everyone else) with swimsuit shots. Dustin reaches the boat first, followed by Kimberly, but they cannot get the clue until both team members reach the boat. After getting the clue, they are directed to a post office to receive another clue.
Wait. Shouldn’t there be a roadblock here?
Anyway, teams finish, though the Cho brothers wait for Lyn and Karlyn and Mary and David to finish the task. They are still there when Tyler and James arrive, and James thinks the Cho brothers have formed the alliance so that they can take two weaker teams to the final three. You know, I got in a conversation about just that topic on Saturday, and if it is their strategy (they say in confessional, it isn’t their reason), it is a brilliant strategy.
Cut to fun driving montages. Rob and Kimberly’s car breaks down. Dustin and Kandice have an accident.
Dustin and Kandice are the first to arrive at the post office, and the clue they receive, postage due, tells them it’s detour time. I didn’t do the song last week, causing the readers not to comment, so I’ll do the song this week. Ready?
A detour is a choice between two tasks,
Between two tasks,
Between two tasks,
A detour is a choice between two tasks,
Each with its own pros and cons
Our choices are Salt ‘n’ Pepa. In Salt, teams must… Sorry. Our choice are between the current day economy and the island heritage. In Salt, teams must search three big Salt stacks to find a salt shaker containing their next clue. This should have been called the Jimmy Buffet task. In Sea, teams must take a boat to an island and, using a map created by third graders, find a mast and sail for their boat.
Dustin and Kandice elect for Sea because the clue tells them they will have a skipper to help them. Uhm, girls? The skipper is just to sail the boat. You have to find the clue by yourself.
Cut to Rob and Kimberly, finally getting a new car (but as Phil tells us in voiceover, not getting any time break for the first car breaking down), trying to find their way to the post office. Rob says it’s tough to enjoy the view when you’re stressed out all the time. Kimberly says “This isn’t a vaca” which we get captioned because, uhm, no idea. Some worry that America wouldn’t understand vaca without seeing it? Perhaps. Rob returns to his old self, making fun of the locals for not being more helpful. Because, as we all know, the only thing natives of foreign countries have to do all day long is be prepared to help any Americans who cross their path. Other things – going to their jobs, taking their kids to school, meeting a friend for lunch, you know, living their lives? – are secondary to making sure they are always able to help random asshole Americans traveling with a camera crew. Get with it, rest of the world!
You know, I said some nice things about Rob last week. I would like to withdraw those I don’t think he ever quit being an aggressive asshole, it’s just that Peter was such an enormous asshole that he made any other asshole seem like a nice guy. Peter sucked in assholeness like a black hole sucks in light, making stars that are actually burning bright seem dim. Course, there is a possibility that Peter’s absence may make Rob seem like even more of an asshole than he is. When Peter took his assholeness with him, it left an asshole void that makes Rob’s assholeness all the more assholey.
Lyn and Karlyn and Erwin and Godwin and David and Mary and Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice arrive at the Post Office all at the same time. These days, they even all have their periods at the same time! Either Karlyn or Lyn ask the postal clerk if he has a package for her, and if I knew for sure which one said it, I would make a “I’ve got a package for her” joke. But I don’t, so I won’t. All three teams debate the pros and cons of the detours, just as Phil would want them to do, and eventually decide on Salt. For a moment it looked like they might actually split up, with Erwin and Godwin going to Salt and the others to Sea, but they fought back their urges for individuality. It’s a stupid move, especially if you are considering yourself a part of an alliance. There are a limited number of salt shakers, and it’s not like you will stay to help another team find one if you find yours first. On the other hand, if you take three teams to the island at the same time, you have effectively tripled your ability to cover the island and find the mast and sails. And since all of the masts and sails are in the same place, one team completing the task means all teams complete the task.
As they are driving away from the post office, they see Tyler and James driving to the post office. The boys also decide to do Salt, because Sea is too complex. Yeah. Riding a boat, then following a map, hurts the mind.
Cut to Dustin and Kandice on the boat, happy for the break they get while sailing. They decide to stretch out in the boat, and somehow we get an almost overhead shot of the two of them laying down side by side.
Jump back to four teams at the salt piles, digging through salt. In the background, we see Mauritiusians hard at work stacking salt. I guess we know who is going to clean up the mess. Tyler tells us his hands will be pickled. Mary finds a salt shaker, but it’s filled with pepper. Ha ha! I mean, that’s HI-larious! I mean, it’s not like spilling pepper into stacks of pure salt are going to mean extra work for someone else, right? Right?
Meanwhile, Rob and Kimberly have finally found the post office. Kimberly takes the clue, and reads it. Or tries to read it, because, as Rob points out, she isn’t getting all the words. Come on. Who needs all the words? What’s the difference between, say, “when the priest gets drunk he wants to fuck you up” and “the priest wants to fuck you”? They have a debate moment over which task to do, then Rob picks Salt. As they head back to their car, Rob trips over nothing, then tosses the clue in the car window, prompting Kimberly to accuse him of throwing the clue at her.
I apologize again, but I was wrong earlier. It’s not just the absence of Peter making Rob look like more of an asshole, it’s the added factor that Rob has stepped up his game in Peter’s absence. Rob, recognizing the dearth of assholeness, is bringing it hard. He’s determined not to let this season of TAR lose it’s assholeness. Good show Rob! Good show.
Dustin and Kandice reach the island and start searching. They quickly become lost, but they are at least sharp enough to be able to read the map and head off from the boat landing in the right direction.
Rob and Kimberly find the salt piles and Kimberly immediately tells Rob that they are going to switch to sea because of the chance of passing the other four teams. He seems hesitant at first, though as they are driving off he acts like it was his idea. Seeing them leave, Tyler and James also decide to go to sea. After a couple more minutes, Erwin and Godwin and Lyn and Karlyn decide to switch as well. Mary and David, on the other hand, decide to stay. Well, David does. He says he is not going to quit, though Mary keeps pestering him about it. In confessional she says that she didn’t blame Erwin and Godwin and Lyn and Karlyn, that they were playing to win, but she felt they were going to end up being a team forever looking for the lost item and getting eliminated because of it. She keeps pestering David about switching. She tells him they are never going to find it, he says he wants to keep looking, and we cut to commercial.
Now why do I mention the commercial, seeing that I have decided not to do the commercial gig anymore? Here’s why. It’s a standard TAR editing technique to go to commercial break with someone saying something can’t be done, then come back from commercial with the person doing it. And that’s what I was expecting here. But we don’t get it. Instead, when we come back from commercial David finally agrees with Mary that, since they are in last place anyway, they need to switch tasks.
Uhm, no. No. NO! For one thing, you don’t know how hard the other task is. We, the viewers, in order to form a more perfect union, have already seen Dustin and Kandice contemplate switching tasks from Sea to Salt. But even if you want to assume the other task is easier, at this point you are so far behind the other teams that, barring unforeseen difficulties, you’re going to end up in last place. On the other hand, finding the salt shaker will probably guarantee that you will pass some of the other teams. As a result, better to stay and stake your chances on finding the salt shaker than leaving.
Meanwhile, Rob and Kimberly and Tyler and James have arrived at the island and started looking. Tyler and James head off in the opposite direction from what the map indicates, and this, added with all the time they have spent lost on the trip, explains why they were reluctant to pursue this task in the first place. I mean, figuring out the right direction to head is as simple as it can be – the map marks the sails as being to the right of the boat landing. So even if you can’t figure out north or south, once you hit the boat landing, you head right. Perhaps all the drugs they collectively did killed their sense of direction.
Not that Rob and Kimberly are doing much better. They do head off in the proper direction, but rather than trying to work their way on the path into the jungle that is drawn on the map, Rob decides to just walk along the beach. Great plan, dude!
Cut back to Dustin and Kandice, who finally find the location of the masts and sails. Guarding the location is a ManTrap1900, the original version of the Man Trap, and yes, that’s a joke so far inside no one reading (if anyone is reading) is going to get it. The ManTrap1900 is covered with grass, and one of the girls falls into it. They return with the equipment, the skipper puts it up, and they are given their clue. It instructs them to go to the next pit stop at Chateau Briand. Or some such place. The two are worried that there is no one else there, apparently ignoring the two boats from the other teams.
Jump back to Erwin and Godwin and Lyn and Karlyn getting boats and heading for the island. As they head out, Dustin and Kandice are heading in. They wave at each of the other two teams, but both the brothers and the sistahs ignore them. And, to show how long the boat ride is (or perhaps more accurately, how little time actually passed between Erwin/Godwin/Lyn/Karlyn deciding to leave salt and Mary and David deciding to leave salt, Dustin and Kandice see David and Mary on their boat headed to the island. And when Dustin and Kandice wave at them, they both wave back, much to the delight of the blondes.
So now we have five teams on sea. Rob and Kimberly find them first, with Kimberly falling into the ManTrap1900. They pass the Karlyn and Lyn and Erwin and Godwin on their way back to the main island, and they must also pass David and Mary, though we don’t see that. Same with Tyler and James. Tyler is next victim of the ManTrap1900. The boys get their equipment and head back. Before they leave, David and Mary get to the island. Indeed, just after we see Tyler and James take off, we see David/Erwin/Lyn/Karlyn/Mary/Godwin hook up and start searching. The three teams find the sails and masts at the same time, but no one falls into the ManTrap1900.
Cut to the main island, where three teams are searching for the Pit Stop. Dustin and Kandice get there first, winning scooters. Phil tells them the scooters hold two people, so they can use them to go on dates. Dustin asks Phil if she can take him on a date, and though Jeff Probst is sitting on his shoulder whispering “Say yes”, Phil just arches an eyebrow.
Tyler and James are next to the mat, and one of them remarks that one of the Six Pack will be going home. Rob and Kimberly come in third.
Cut to the Six Pack arriving at the main island. The teams are all making comments about how they don’t expect any of the other teams to wait for them or to have hard feelings about trying to not finish last. We see David and Mary take a wrong turn at Mary’s suggestion. Erwin and Godwin make it next to the mat, followed very closely by Lyn and Karlyn. Lyn and Karlyn are visibly upset, and Phil asks them why. Lyn says “Because we know who is finishing sixth”, and indeed, David and Mary are last. But we get another non-elimination, which means we should only have one left. David and Mary are marked for elimination and get hit with a 30-second penalty if they don’t finish first, and since they already used a Fast Forward, that option is no longer open to them, even if the next leg features one.
Next on the Amazing Race? Cool! A Yield? Wait. The hell? An Intersection? Sounds like teams will be required to work with another team to perform a task. ¶ 3:22 PM 3 Comments
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Episode Six: For Whom The Gimp Tolls
The racers participated in a star-studded salute to Steve Irwin. Peter was a major asshole even by his standards. David and Mary were last in a non-elimination leg, and for being so got slapped with a scarlet E. If they don’t finish first on the leg, they will receive a 30-minute penalty. It probably goes without saying that this could eliminate them. It probably also goes without saying that I wouldn’t mind being slapped by a Scarlett J.
Sarah and Peter, the first to arrive, are the first to depart. Whew. Glad there are some things in life you can count on. The clue is given to them in the form of a video phone message from Phil. Phil tells them to go to Kuwait and find a mystery location. Their only clue to the location is a picture of some towers. Hmm. Towers. In Kuwait. You could almost call them Kuwait Towers. Man, that will be tough to figure out. The video ends with Phil saying that if any of the racers are captured, Jerry Bruckheimer will disavow all knowledge of them. The phone then self-destructs.
In confessional, Peter admits to being a self-absorbed asshole who pushes Sarah too hard. Or is he? Maybe he’s saying that Sarah is too weak to keep up. Either way, he says he needs to ease up on her. This won’t be a problem, because they are so much better than all the other teams that they can win on their worst day. We’ll see about that. In her own confessional, Sarah tells us she is going to kill Peter in his sleep. Atta girl, Sarah!
Dustin and the spelling challenged Kandice are next out. She really should have checked with Survivor-Candice on how to spell her name. Kandice thinks they are underrated by the other teams, and that no one wants to be beaten by a couple of blond girls. I wouldn’t say no one, Kandice.
Both teams rush to get tickets for Kuwait. Peter tries to claim a medical emergency, waving Sarah’s leg in the face of the ticketing agent. This doesn’t work, but he is smart enough to show the picture of the mystery location they need to find in Kuwait, and he is rewarded by being told the name of the location, Kuwait Towers, and by being given a printout with relevant information, including address. He and Sarah book a flight with a 7:50 arrival time.
Dustin and Kandice, on the other hand, try to get good bookings by telling the agent they are Ms. California and Ms. New York, which is the same trick Tyler and James will use later. They get no special favors, instead getting the same 7:50 arrival time.
Rob and Kimberly are third out, with Rob telling us that his drama-queen nature sometimes gets them in trouble. I have to confess, I wrote Rob off early on as another in a long-line of TAR alpha males, but I think there is more to him than that. He has actually shown signs of being a decent human being at times, with sincere flashes of humor.
Speaking of humor, Erwin and Godwin are next out. Godwin is wearing a “Will Flex For Food” shirt. Not as funny as the lost Phil shirts, but not bad. They decide to wait for Karlyn and Lyn, the fifth place team, before leaving to book their flight. They start out, as do James and Tyler who
Wait. Forget it. This first segment is nothing but ticketing and airports and bunching. You don’t want to know about that. Who does? It’s the least attractive part of TAR. Here’s all you need to know: Every team, including David and Mary, who left the Pit Stop six hours after Peter and Sarah, are on the same flight. Every team, that is, except for James and Tyler, who managed to get a flight out of India three hours earlier than the other teams. This advantage was negated, however, by a layover in Mumbai, a layover that allowed the other six teams to catch up. In other words, complete and total bunching that results in everyone arriving in Kuwait at the same time.
Okay. We’re all in Kuwait. Everyone has been able to figure out the name of the clue and how to get there. It’s just a matter of who can get there fastest. Rob and Kimberly and Tyler and James are the first two teams to arrive. They have to take an elevator to the cluebox. However, the cluebox is in a portion of the tower that doesn’t open until 11:00 am. As a result, teams are required to take a number.
Dustin and Kandice are next to arrive, followed by Peter and Sarah. Peter, however, pushes past the girls to take the third number. Stay classy, Peter. Stay classy.
The Back Pack Three, Mary and David and Karlyn and Lyn and Erwin and Godwin are last to arrive. The tower hasn’t opened yet, though, so it doesn’t really matter.
The clock strikes 11:00 am, and the tower opens. It’s a Roadblock, requiring one team member to scale to the top of the tower on the outside of the building, grab a bag filled with puzzle pieces, go back to the ground, complete the puzzle, and then find the location of the next clue. There’s also a Fast Forward involving finding a clue in a fire at an oil field.
The first three teams take the Road Block, though Peter does briefly debate using the Fast Forward. Dustin and Kandice also debate using the Fast Forward, then opt for Road Block. Lyn and Karlyn and Erwin and Godwin also choose Road Block, leaving the Fast Forward for David and Mary. Those two can’t decide which to do, though it should be an easy decision. As they are debating, Kandice and Dustin change their minds and come back to the clue box for the Fast Forward. Erwin and Godwin intercept them and tell them they are already heading for the Fast Forward, causing the Beauty Queens to return to the Road Block. Erwin and Godwin then practically push David and Mary into taking the Fast Forward, and return themselves to the Road Block line, telling the others David and Mary had beaten them to the Fast Forward.
Now it’s time for teams to split up, with one person climbing and the other returning to the ground. Kimberly takes the task, and though she is nervous, she gets it done pretty quick. Tyler goes next, showing off all the way.
Peter has told Sarah to do the task, since she has demonstrated her superb climbing skills several times in the competition. What a jerk. It’s tough for her, but she manages. Everyone manages, even Erwin, who is terrified by heights. No surprise, though. They were tethered to the ladder, the ladder was covered, and though they could see around them to the outside of the building, they would have had to actively take their safety gear off to ever be in danger on the challenge.
David and Mary reach the Fast Forward, and it’s pretty easy. They are to put on flame resistant suits, and, while surrounded by firemen able to put the flames out at a moment’s notice, approach the clue box located in the middle of the flames and get the clue. They do so easily, though not before Mary notes that she should be in a Steven Seagal movie (Race Through Flames? Under Clues?) and David notes that he always wanted to be a fireman. The clue tells them to go directly to the next Pit Stop.
Back at the Road Block, everyone is now back on the ground working on their puzzles. Yes, this is television at its finest, ladies and gentlemen. Television at its finest.
The completed puzzle is in Arabic, causing teams to find people to translate for them. Most everyone finds assistance without incident. On the other hand, Karlyn and Lyn get a man to write down directions for them, and when they see Kandice and Dustin approach the same men for help, they tell him not to assist the blondes. What are they to do? What man is going to come up and help to hot blondes in need of assistance? Oh yeah. Every man. No sooner do they get rejected than someone comes up and, in front of Karlyn and Lyn, offer to take Dustin and Kandice to the location, prompting complaints from Lyn that it isn’t fair. Right. It’s fair that you got someone to translate, it’s fair that you got someone to write out directions, it’s fair that they were unwilling to help Dustin and Kandice because you asked them not to do so, but it’s unfair that Dustin and Kandice were able to get help on their own.
One by one, teams arrive at the clue box. It’s a detour, and you all know what that means:
Aww, fuck it. Sing it to yourselves.
Anyway, our choices are Manual or Automatic. In Manual, teams must fill ten 110-pound bags of camel feed. In automatic, teams go to the camel racing club to race camels with voice-controlled robot jockeys. By the way, I had a dream with voice-controlled robot jockeys racing camels one night, but attributed it to bad shellfish. Tyler and James are the first to arrive, and head off to do manual. Or do Manuel. I get confused.
Cut to Mary and David arriving at the Pit Stop. Yay, them! Hit with a brutal penalty, saved by a gimmick. Actually, saved by the Cho brothers. But whose counting. Phil welcomes them, then gives them a trip to Jamaica mon for winning the leg.
Jump back to the Detour clue box, which Rob and Kimberly find next. They try to act like they didn't find it, hiding their clue and not reading it until they are back at their car. Peter and Sarah attempt deceit as well, but the open clue in their hand tips off Erwin and Godwin. Peter and Sarah reach the car and decide on automatic. Erwin and Godwin choose manual. So do Dustin and Kandice, next to the clue box. Lyn and Karlyn are last, opting for automatic. So that's four manual, two automatic. Plan Voodoo will not be working tonight.
We're now treated to shots of racers driving around Kuwait. Dustin and Kandice find a guide, and arrive at manual shortly before Rob and Kimberly, who manage to locate it on their own. Everyone else, and I mean everyone else, has trouble finding their destinations. Now, I’ve never been to Kuwait, though I’ve been to Oklahoma. People tell me I was born there, but I really don’t…
Sorry, I was thinking of something else.
Now, I've never been to me. Sorry, wrong start again.
Now, I've never been to Kuwait, so maybe it is tough driving. Or maybe this batch of racers has some real idiots. We've had mostly cabbies for most of the race, so this is one of the first times we've really seen them drive themselves, and most are not impressing. Erwin and Godwin finally reach manual at about the time Dustin and Kandice and Rob and Kimberly are done filling their bags. Indeed, Dustin and Kandice had taken their bags to the observer, but were told they were not yet done because their bags weren't full enough. Dude. Their bags are plenty full enough, if you know what I mean and I think you do. This error allows Rob and Kimberly to finish the task first, getting the final clue directing them to the Pit Stop. Dustin and Kandice finish shortly after, also heading for the Pit Stop.
Meanwhile, Lyn and Karlyn arrive at the camel racing club. They get told what to do, prep their tiny robot jockey, then start the race. It doesn't take long before they finish the task and head off for the Pit Stop. Cut to Erwin and Godwin finishing manual and heading off to the Pit Stop.
So that makes four teams headed for the Pit Stop and two teams still hopelessly lost. We see Peter and Sarah find a yellow arrow only to get out and discover it is the already completed Fast Forward. We see Peter and Sarah return to the detour clue box and get directions again from the same man who gave them directions before. We see Peter yell at Sarah and blame her for getting them lost. Finally, we see Tyler and James arrive at automatic. It's not the task they were looking to do, but it is a task, and they do it, but not before James tells the camel that the camel sucks because they couldn't find it. Yeah, it's the damn camel's fault.
But what about the teams headed to the Pit Stop? They too are having driving troubles, such that Dustin and Kandice actually reach the Pit Stop before Rob and Kimberly and Lyn and Karlyn reach before Erwin and Godwin. But they reach, in that order. The Brothers Cho are particularly thrilled to find they are in fifth place, because they were certain they were goners. Shortly after they get there, James and Tyler arrive.
Intercut with all of the shots of people arriving at the Pit Stop are more shots of Peter and Sarah driving around Kuwait. Based on the editing, the Iraqi army didn’t spend as much time in Kuwait as Peter and Sarah, and to just about as good of an end. It’s dark when they finally find the spot where the Manual challenge takes place, but the instructions they get there tell them to head to the Pit Stop, a sure sign that the most perfect ending is going to occur – Peter and Sarah will be eliminated. And, indeed, they are, getting the bad news from Phil. Peter tells Phil that he doesn’t think they are a good couple. Sarah tells us in confessional that – well, hell. Let’s let her speak for herself:
“I learned a lot about him in these stressful situations. He is a very strong go-getter, but he isn’t a very nurturing or kind individual. I want someone that’s driven and is strong, but I’m also looking for someone who is caring and compassionate.”
In other words, she wants someone who is strong enough for a man, but made for a woman. She continues “I really got to see a lot of sides to Peter on this trip, and he’s not the person for me.”
Sarah, Peter isn’t the person for anyone other than Peter. Don’t beat yourself up over it.
You know, it’s hard to say considering how far off the grid Peter and Sarah fell, but Erwin and Godwin may have saved David and Mary. They wouldn’t have gotten the Fast Forward without the brothers, and they probably could not have finished more than 30 minutes ahead of any other team under normal conditions. Though I’m glad they did, I don’t think David and Mary are long for the show. They’re easily the worst remaining team, though Tyler and James seem to share Season Seven’s Brian and Greg’s ability to get lost. But even if they do go out next, they finished better than five teams, they won a trip to Jamaica, and they did their kids proud. That’s nothing to sneeze at.
Something else, while I’m at it. Though there’s no way of knowing, I wonder if maybe Sarah didn’t intentionally bag the race. Could she have led them in circles for hours on purpose? It’d be the TAR-equivalent of fragging the looey.
Finally, with Peter and Sarah gone, there’s no team left that you can tab as total villains. I wouldn’t want to see a yield used on any of the remaining teams. Sure, Karlyn and Lyn can be obnoxious on occasion, but they can also be decent, and realistically, there’s not much chance of them finishing higher than fourth or fifth. We could have another all decent final three, unless Kimberly really kicks things up a notch.
On the next Amazing Race: Karlyn and Lyn mix it up with Dustin and Kandice, proving everything I just said about them is wrong. ¶ 5:35 PM 0 Comments
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Episode Five: At Least It Wasn't Stingrays
Previously on The Amazing Race:
Tom (or was it Terry?) uttered the phrase “Pick up your Vietnamese dong” and I was giggling like a third grade boy when one of his friends farts. We had a rock-climbing roadblock, and Sarah – who did such a magnificent job the first time she had to scale something using just a rope, her arm, and her prosthesis – chose to do this rope-climbing endeavor as well, with the same results as last time, and dear Lord Sarah, if you can’t remember how painfully you struggled doing the exact same challenge not more than five days ago in real time, you deserve the Aryan control freak who is your race partner. Finally, proving what I said in the last summary I wrote, when push came to shove Dustin and Kandice were much better equipped to perform a grueling physical task than Tom and Terry, resulting in Tom and Terry’s elimination.
Who’ll be eliminated tonight? Actually, more likely who won’t be eliminated tonight? I mean, we’re down to seven teams with presumably eight episodes left. You need three for the final, four for the next to final. That means three non-eliminations need to be worked in here someplace, making tonight the most likely place for them to start. Whether it will be an old style non-elimination (which I hate) or an extended leg (which I love) is yet to be seen.
See the thing is, as I write this, I don’t know the outcome of the episode. This intro bit? I’m writing this on Tuesday, well before the show even airs. I already know what happened previously on The Amazing Race, cause it just happened. I don’t give a (corpse) fuck what CBS tells us happened previously when they tell us next Sunday night. I know what I want to mention, and the hell with CBS. Course, I can’t write anything else until the show airs, but at least I have my opening.
Oh, wait. I can write something else, and I need to do so because Tom and Terry are gone. Is it me, or has the obligatory gay couple gotten more flaming as TAR seasons pass? I mean, Team Guido were far from the butchest pair of guys ever to cross a TV screen, but they were Clint Eastwood and Bruce Willis compared to Tom and Terry. At this rate, by the time we get to TAR 15, the obligatory gay couple will be dressed like Guy Pearce and Terence Stamp in Priscilla, Queen of the Desert. (Or, for those of you who are Australian movie challenged, like John Leguizamo and Patrick Swayze in To Wong Foo Thanks For Everything, Julie Newmar.)
But I digress.
Rob and Kimberly are the first to leave. Their clue tells them they will be flying to Chennai, India where they will be welcomed as liberators until they shoot someone in the face. They need to first take a train to Hanoi, then, due to Vietnamese laws which require tickets to be sold only in travel agencies, find a travel agency to buy tickets. In confessional Rob tells us that the race is an interview for him and Kimberly to see if they want a life together. Personally, I’d give them life separately, with no possibility of parole, but that’s probably just me. He adds that the two of them need to learn how to chill. The sad truth is that they will never learn how to chill, they will get married, they will breed, and their child will be the kid who always has to win at whatever he does. I hate that child already.
Next out are Peter and Sarah. Sarah tells us she no longer holds Peter on a pedestal. As much as I’d like to congratulate her for that, my main impulse is to ask why the hell she ever put him on one in the first place. I would hate to think that it’s simply a matter of, when you’re an amputee, you’re happy for any attention. But maybe it is. I don’t know. I do know that asshole is Peter’s default mode, and it shouldn’t have taken the race to show Sarah that fact.
Next out are Tyler and James. One of them – and does it really matter which one? – says that one of the keys to the race is being able to deal with things beyond one’s control, and adds that, due to their former addictions, they are used to dealing with things beyond their control.
After the models are Erwin and Godwin. They’ve got cool shirts with the word LOST on them. There also appears to be a picture of Phil on the shirts and a reward for finding him. As they turn, we see that the back of the shirts say “Vote 4 Cho.” You know, I would vote for Margaret Cho for anything. They tell us that they are in the race for the adventure, not the money.
Not so for David and Mary, the next team out. David tells us he wants to win so he can quit working in a coal mine, going down down. Working in a coal mine, whoops about to get down. He adds that if they win, he can take the kids to Disneyland.
Two teams left, the two all female teams. Lyn tells us that she and Karlyn have never continuously spent this much time together, even in college. They both joke that they need some alone time.
Dustin and Kandice lament the fact that they are in last place, and add that they need to be more aggressive. Aggressive beauty queens. I can get behind that.
Rob and Kimberly reach the train station first, which means they are the first to realize we’re bunching. Everyone makes this train to Hanoi, and the train leaves. We see a shot of Tyler and James looking out, seeing people shooting up by the train tracks. This prompts much wistful longing for the old days.
Cut to Erwin and Godwin, talking about how well they are getting along with David and Mary and Lyn and Karlyn. The boys wonder if any of the others are sharing information. The three teams then review their maps, trying to figure out which travel agency is the closest. As they review their maps, Peter gets up and walks past them, offering to share information with them. Before they can say anything, he walks past to the next car.
In the next car, he tells Kandice and Dustin that other teams are sharing information. He tells them they need to work together. The girls halfheartedly agree, then, after he leaves, Dustin asks Kandice why he is being nice. Kandice says it’s because he likes her, which seems as good as any reason to me. I figure the other teams have already made known their unwillingness to work with him. They say that working with Peter will occur on a case-by-case basis. That Peter. No one likes him.
On his way back to Sarah, he again asks the Misfit Alliance if they want to share information. Lyn says sure, but Peter says nothing. Lyn tells us that she knows Peter was just trying to play them. Staying there, Erwin and Godwin pull out a fake cell phone and pretend to call a travel agency. Peter overhears them, and immediately rushes back to Kandice and Dustin. The people they are sitting with have a phone, and Peter uses it to call an agency. They book tickets and tell the agent they are on their way.
We jump forward to the train reaching Hanoi and teams disembarking. We’re almost a quarter of the way through the episode and we haven’t reached an airport yet. The teams scramble to find a travel agency. In fact, we spend the next fifteen minutes or so with teams booking flights, getting to the airport, scrambling to change flights, scrambling to make flights, and one team, David and Mary, missing a flight. Seriously. We spend about fifteen minutes on this. We reach the second break and no one has even landed in Chennai yet. If you like fast-paced airport action, this episode of TAR is for you. The only thing – truly, the only thing – breaking this up is Peter being a jerk. As he and Sarah and Dustin and Kandice sit in a café, he does an imitation of David and Mary. If the editing is to be believed, David and Mary were sitting within listening distance. When all is said and done, Kandice and Dustin and Sarah and Peter, who were on the last flight to leave Hanoi, are on the first flight to arrive in Chennai.
The clue tells teams to find an arts and crafts place in Mamallapuram. I had to take Mamallapuram when I was in the hospital to get my kidney stones removed. Peter starts off the ugly American scenes when he tells Sarah they are going from one polluted city to another. You know, Hanoi and Chennai weren’t polluted before Peter got there. Just sayin’. Dustin and Kandice are the first to Mamallapuram, where they find they have to wait, though not long enough to consider it bunching, for the place to open.
Rob and Kimberly complain about the smell, and then Karlyn says – wait. Karlyn says something nice. Well, maybe it’s nice. She says it’s good to be in a place where people have more substance on their bodies than in Vietnam. That’s a nice thing to say, right?
Anyway, Mamalluram opens and guess what? It’s detour time, and you know what that means – the detour song! Sing along, boys and girls
A detour is a choice between two tasks,
Between two tasks
Between two tasks
A detour is a choice between two tasks
Each with its own pros and cons
Our choices today are Wild Things or Wild Rice. In Wild Things, teams much watch the entire Denise Richards-Neve Campbell-Matt Dillon sex scenes without getting aroused. If a team member gets aroused, they have to start over.
Sorry. That’s how I would make a Wild Things challenge. In reality, the Wild Things challenge involves helping some crocodile wranglers move a crocodile from one crocodile pit to another without making a single stingray comment. And, by the way, because I love it so much, here’s this:
In Wild Rice, teams must use colored rice and a picture to paint an elaborate pattern on the ground. So, apparently, the pros and cons of these two tasks are as follows:
Wild Things Pro: Can complete it quickly.
Wild Things Con: Possibly eaten by crocodile (though, depending on who was eaten, I might be inclined to put this in the pro column), the task is first-come, first served.
Wild Rice Pro: No possibility of being eaten by crocodile, unless of course you give up and decide to go wrangle crocodiles anyway because the task takes fucking forever.
Wild Rice Con: The tasks takes fucking forever.
Kandice and Dustin and Sarah and Peter all choose to do Wild Things, and the possibility of someone (Peter) being eaten by a crocodile has never filled me with such glee. The two teams run back to their cabs to take off for Crocodile Village, but Kandice and Dustin find their cab has a flat tire. Peter finds a great deal of pleasure in this, and race past them. They get to the task and find that it consists of putting bands around the snout of a crocodile that wranglers are holding still. They then have to put the croc on a wooden stretcher and carry it to its new home. To do so they need to climb over a short wall. As they do so, Peter says “Come on, sister” to Sarah, adding incest to the paraplegic fetish we already knew he had. While they are transporting their crocodile, Kandice and Dustin start banding theirs.
Sarah and Peter finish, getting their next clue. It tells them to take a bus back to Chennai and find a driving school. They rush to get to the bus, but miss it. Peter gets on Sarah’s case for being too slow. Nice guy, Peter. Then, when she tells him she can’t go faster, he tells her he isn’t telling her to go faster. Dude. It’s right there on tape. He then goes passive-aggressive on her, telling her that if she wants him to do so, he’ll quit trying so hard to win. Dickweed. That’s really the only thing you can say about Peter. He’s a dickweed. But it doesn’t end there. He says he just wants her to have fun. That’s all he really wants. To have fun. She tells him she isn’t having any fun, and I realize I much prefer a Kimberly and Rob’s open warfare with each other to the underhanded sniping of these two.
Dustin and Kandice finish up moving their crocodile, which sounds like something the euphemism generator would come up with, and catch up with Peter and Sarah at the bus stop. Meanwhile, Karlyn and Lyn and Erwin and Godwin have found the detour. They both opt for Wild Rice, despite the fact that they need to put costumes on and take their shoes and socks off. They start in on the task, standing on hot concrete.
Kimberly and Rob are next to arrive, picking Wild Things. During the cab ride there Kimberly spots a roaming cow, asking Rob if the cow is homeless. Not as funny as my ox is broken, but not bad. They start in on the task as Karlyn and Lyn and Erwin and Godwin, and really, that’s a lot of “in” sounds, decide to switch tasks. As they are leaving James and Tyler arrive and choose Wild Rice. Apparently wrangling crocodiles is too much like the fevered-drug-induced dreams they used to have.
Rob and Kimberly arrive, quickly completing the task, and go to the bus stop. While there, Karlyn and Erwin and Lyn and Godwin all arrive, complete the task, and make it to the bus stop before the next bus leaves. Meanwhile, David and Mary arrive and also choose Wild Rice. Mary asks David why he thinks she would want to wrestle a crocodile. Of course she wouldn’t – she’s probably never been near anything with all of its teeth.
Now here's the thing. I'm sure wrestling a crocodile sounds dangerous as hell. But it isn't. At least, it isn't in Amazing Race land. See, the producers are going to make sure that, if you do the task properly, the way the people at the task tell you to do it, you won't get hurt. You won't even have a risk of getting hurt. The only way you can get hurt doing a task, no matter how dangerous it sounds, is if you fuck it up. Sure, you might get some scrapes rock-climbing, or have some sore muscles. But no matter how high you climb or zipline or parachute, the safety of the task has been tested over and over and over again. The last thing the TAR producers want are headlines screaming "Contestant Dies While Trying To Wrestle Crocodile". So that's why it's crocodile wrestling and not stingray catching.
The first two teams get separated, and Peter and Sarah are the first to arrive at the driving school, home of a roadblock. One person has to take driving lessons, then pass a driving test. Peter, of course, chooses to perform the task. He is quickly taught how to drive, and passes his test. The clue he gets tells them to drive the cab to the next pit stop. They do so, winning the leg. As if anyone cares.
Cut back to Tyler and James and David and Mary using the rice to color the pattern. It’s an impossibly long task, especially compared to how quickly everyone handled the crocodiles.
Cut back to Dustin and Kandice finishing up the road block. They set off to the pit stop, arriving shortly after Sarah and Peter. Phil asks if they will be the first all female team to win the race, probably hoping for some hot Probst-on-contestant action. As they finish, Erwin and Karlyn and Godwin and Lyn arrive and do the task.
Back at the roadblock, Rob is performing the task. Somehow, as the show progresses, he is becoming a more decent human being. Maybe it’s the scruffy growth he’s keeping on his face.
Tyler and James finish the detour and head off to the driving school. In short order Rob and Kimberly, Erwin and Godwin, and Lyn and Karlyn arrive at the mat. Phil chides Erwin and Godwin for picking a bad picture of him for their shirts.
We’re zipping through this roadblock. In fact, it probably takes less time to watch than it does to read. That’s what happens when you spend half a show in airports. Tyler and James do the roadblock, reach the pit stop, and tell Phil that a low finish was a good thing, cause it will humble them. That leaves all the teams but one.
It’s dark, and David and Mary finally arrive at the driving school, which is still open. If we needed another sign that this was a non-elimination episode – and did we? I don’t think so – the fact that the school is still open gives it to us. I mean, everyone else completed the task during daylight. David and Mary are so far behind it’s dark, yet they have to do the task anyway. If it were an elimination, they would get moved right to the mat. Indeed, Phil doesn’t even attempt to fool them into thinking they’ve been eliminated. Instead, he goes with a pretty straightforward “last to arrive, happy to tell you non-elim, but you need to give up your money and belongings and”
The hell? He just told them they get to keep their stuff. Wow. They got rid of the penalty for finishing last in a non-elim…
The hell???? Now they’re being told they are marked for elimination. If they don’t finish first the next leg, they will be assessed a 30-minute penalty when they do finish.
Wow. That’s pretty fucking vicious. That’s first prize is a Cadillac, second prize is steak knives, third prize is you’re fired vicious. That’s first prize is two tickets to see Gallagher, second prize is four tickets to see Gallagher vicious. Bravo, TAR producers. Bravo. You recognized that taking people’s money and belongings was not causing them any impediment and devised a penalty that could result in elimination. Have David and Mary finished ahead of any non-last place team by more than 30 minutes in any leg of the race? Other than last week, of course? I wouldn’t be surprised, however, to see a Fast Forward on the next leg. That might be the only thing that could save David and Mary. We’ll see.
Next on The Amazing Race. Lyn and Karlyn get into a fight with Dustin and Kandice over a man and we’re treated to some sort of robot camel racing. Well, not robot camels, but robots on camels. And believe me, you really need to look far and wide to get any sort of hot robot on camel tapes. ¶ 9:45 AM 5 Comments
Monday, October 09, 2006
The Amazing Race, Season 10, Episode 4:
Preface
Let me start with the essentials of life here. Sunday is for football. Sunday has been for football since before I could walk. And this season we have the advent of Sunday Night Football. At 8PM. So what in the bloody blue blazes is The Amazing Race doing on on Sunday night?
Not only is it on on Sunday night but I can't tell what damn time it is going to be on because all of the schedule gets shifted depending on when the football game ends. And my Comcast provided fake-Tivo will record the scheduled time, not the actual time of a show. Even if I am sitting there recording it manually. It just shuts the hell off when it thinks the show is supposed to be over.
So now we have gays and damn athiests on during The Children's Hour on a show that has long ago worn thin at an unpredictable time opposite a football game (Pittsburgh v San Diego I'll have you know) that I can't watch because I am dedicated to you, my public, who must not be forced to watch this increasingly dreadful POS yourself. I sometimes wish that I could be more like Heather
who is actually enjoying the show this season but then I remember that she is eight months pregnant and count my blessings.
Enough! On With The Show!
Tonight's episode, curiously enough, begins with a ticking stopwatch and an ancient curmudgeon babbling on about knowing the capitals of 48 states and some other blather that I can't bear to watch. Sorry but you're on your own here. Do you think that one day Andy Rooney will die on-air? Or that he and Charlie Daniels have a thing going and that he'll outlast us all? Creepily enough, he is followed by a Cialis commercial featuring a graphic definition of priapism.
More commercials ... Oh wait. The show hasn't actually started yet. Whew!
Previously on The Amazing Race Dweeze told you what happened in a much more interesting way. Phil just wants us to be all tense about that half an hour that Tom and Jerry had to stand in time-out for cheating. We didn't believe it then and we don't believe it now Phil. I'd offer another moment of silence for the passing that was Duke and Lauren but I still can't stand his bigoted self, so they're on their own. The only thing that surprises me is that Phil didn't get that man-boob breast reduction surgery that I told him about last season. I guess you just can't help some people.
Eight teams remain. We are returned to that lovely opening montage when they were all shiny and new and we were trying to figure out who they were, only to be shocked that we have totally forgotten some of them already. Remember Vipul and Arti?
Commercials, bulleted for your convenience:
Woo Hoo! We’re back
We begin in the rice patty outside of Hanoi where we found the last pit stop. The Wins, Gay and Gayer, leave first. I can’t tell them apart but one of them is wearing a tee shirt that says “Let’s Hug It Out.” And you know I can’t make this stuff up.
They are going to Ly Tai To Gardens in Hanoi by taxi. Given that it is now 10:55 PM we strongly suspect that we will soon be witness to one of the traditional TAR devices that always seems to surprise the participants: Bunching. The camera takes us to Hanoi and through the gardens, softly lit with the red light that in the days of American warring indicated the presence of ladies who would love you long time but now reminds us all of the takeover by the Reds. Or perhaps it is just another wave of the evanescent scent of Robert McNamara.
I seem to have wandered a bit. Sorry. It is too close to election time.
No wonder I wandered. One of them is babbling about how they are Asian-Americans and have to represent well in the race because, you know, they are symbols of all Asian-Americans. It’s the one with the shirt. So they joke about going to Disneyland. Apparently they don’t realize that they have already failed miserably.
The models, who would be gay if they didn’t love themselves so much, make dong jokes in the taxi. Rob of Rob and Kimberly calls the cab driver “bro.” The Pageant Blondes are wearing pink caps. The Gimp and The Sadistic Control Freak (SCF) are next. Oh, I just can’t stand it. There’s nothing to watch except wave after wave of these dweebs getting a clue – literally of course. Nothing could cause a single one of them to get a mental clue. They get money. They get in cabs. They ride in the dark. And because there isn’t a damn thing to see we are ‘treated’ to a seemingly endless stream of confessionals. And damn, they do go on.
How many times are we going to hear about the Moms who Live For Their Children? And really, how much perky can one writer stand? Can anybody understand a word the Kentuckians are saying? Besides everybody knows that a coalminer with any ambition figures out a way to become a hockey player. How on earth did these two end up on TV? Could the producer understand a word they were saying? Wait, I think she said “couch potato” and “my foot.” Also, I know from personal experience that not every aging gay runs like a girl and cries at every opportunity.
Oh, the producers love stereotypes? Doh. But I thought Landru asked them to stop. They really ought to listen. He has Powers.
We were on the way to the gardens, weren’t we?
They get in cabs, get out of cabs, say “go go go” to cab drivers. A lot. They seem to all be wearing coal miner’s headgear with lights. Perhaps they will all turn into Kentucky before this race is over. They arrive at the gardens and are treated to an auditory clue that is half in English and half in what I presume is Vietnamese. A recording at the ghost of Robert McNamara statue tells them “Attention Racers. Take a taxi across the Red River to Ben Xe Gia Lam then Ben Xe Bai Chay then find the Hydrofoil Harbor.” At first I had a flash of an ancient John Wayne movie but then remembered that everyplace has a red river. It is the one that is full of mud. And Vietnam is no exception.
In the ensuing chaos there are pitiful failed attempts to reproduce the tone and syllabification of the recording. Why let's all make fun of our racers because they don't speak the language. The Moms and Kentucky are particularly wretched. Those who appear a bit more clueful take the taxi driver to the recording. Of course it is partially in English so that doesn't work so well. The daters -- well he is the worst drama queen I've ever seen. She keeps telling him 'Don't freak out Don't freak out." Shetucky tells the taxi driver of her love for him and practically giggles. Gaywin and Gayerwin keep representing. They're 'tailing' somebody but I don't think they mean what I might mean by 'tailing.'
And the daters are in some tragically annoying downward spiral. She yells and yells at him about not freaking out. Of course that creates such a calming atmosphere. He says -- again, I'm not making this up -- "He's just toying with us right now" while freaking out. He is sweating like a stuck pig. Why yes Dave. You've caught on to those wiley Asian taxi drivers. The get a victim in the taxi and, like a cat with a mouse, just toy away. It is all retaliation for the war that happened before the taxi driver was born.
I can't tell you how grateful I am for commercials brought to you by Excedrin.
Back To The Fray
The daters bail out of their taxi, find another and drag him back to hear the announcement. Whereupon he utters the single most ridiculous sentence I have ever heard on the Race, and I’ve heard many.
“I’m done talking with foreigners.”
I can’t quite bring myself to explain so I’ll just wait a minute while you think about this man in a taxi in Hanoi. Who is done talking with “foreigners.”
.
.
.
Ok, ready to proceed?
Mr. and Mrs. Coalminer say some stuff. Their taxi driver says some stuff. It is all indecipherable but they end up back at the announcement with the taxi driver. The Moms look despairing and lost, eventually ending back at the announcement with their driver.
Finally the Queens, Beauty find the Hydrofoil schedule followed closely by the other Queens inexplicably wearing matching orange shirts and Gaywin and Gayerwin. We seem to have an emerging theme. They can stop this matching clothes nonsense any time, but in my heart of hearts I suspect producer encouragement. Gimp and Perv (I could never improve on those names) arrive followed by the Moms. The Models are in there somewhere. This is one of those middle of the night things when we have no sense of time. Of course it really doesn’t matter because of the Bunching. The Daters arrive, she whining and he predicting the doom of civilization talking about the “worst taxi experience in the history of taxi driving.” He appears to be the greatest master of hyperbole in the history of hyperbole-masters. The Hillbillies get back on track and she struggles to plant a huge smooch on the taxi driver. Wiggle and squirm though he might, he can’t escape.
So they are in Full Bunch on a bus to Ha Long Bay. We are fortunate because sometime during the 100 mile bus trip the day has dawned and we are able to see what is a very beautiful country. They still need to find Hydrofoil Harbor.
Where they find a Roadblock. Y'know, Phil didn't explain what a Roadblock is. I'm so disappointed. Does he think we already know? That we hang on his every word? ? He does explains in his High Drama Voice that one team member must use mechanical ascenders to climb up the sheer face of a rock to receive their clue. First come first served for the three ascenders.
After some confusing footage of each of the teams (Bunched, remember?) grabbing clues and racing on foot along a breakwater to small boats with outboard motors. There is some bumping going down to the water’s edge. Tom and Jerry are first and Daters second at this point, although we all know that the position doesn’t matter at all. Shetucky’s leg hurts. The Queens, Beauty push ahead of the Moms who point out that the ensuing leg cut is what she deserved for cutting ahead. The boats race across the harbor, the Models whining about their crappy boat.
For all of Phil’s Danger Voice they are equipped and strapped and strapped and helmeted such that if anybody had a heart attack they’d probably just hang from their straps. Our major drama is provided by The Gimp who worriedly stares at the cliff and The Perv who keeps telling her how she will be ok. When she looks shaky he shouts that she should play her handicapped card to get the next ascender. While she is a sniveling overachiever, he really is a colossal perverted over controlling shit.
The Daters are down, heading for another boat trip a mile across the harbor to Sung Sot Cave. The clue is inside the cave. They are followed by the Hillbillies.
And we’re back to the rock face where we see helmets and hands and some photographer hoping to earn his chops so that he can find work on some Freddy movie. In spite of the high drama, most folks suck up the pain and get to the top eventually. I suspect heavy and fast editing behind the scenes. I also suspect in real life this took hours and was accented with endless boring whining. The Gimp is on her way up the hill, still sniveling about her metal appendage getting caught when we are relieved by another round of commercials.
Meanwhile the frontrunners arrive at the cave and, unlike the sneakily constructed preview, have to get off of the boat and climb up a path constructed for tourists to the caves. This bay is populated with huge rock outcroppings apparently, in some cases, containing caves and this is one of those not so fascinating entities. The Daters arrive first at the clue; he can’t believe it. They find a Detour and once again Phil fails to explain what a detour is. I’m so disappointed. Btw, his breasts still look ginormous in the loose orange shirt. Wearing that silly necklace doesn’t distract the eye.
Meanwhile the Moms, the Models, the Queen, Beauty and the Gimp struggle up the cliff with coaching from their partners below. I thought male models had to work out but these two don’t seem to have a muscle between them.
The Detour consists of Over where they ride a junk to a marked buoy, then row a sampan to a supply boat, load provisions, row to a floating village – a cluster of boats on which folks work and live – and deliver the provisions to specific addresses. They then row back to the supply boat with the signed invoice which they trade for the next clue. Or Under where they ride a junk to a different marked buoy, row a sampan to a pearl farm marked with buoys lined up like curvy lane markers in a pool, choose a lane, and pull up (harvest) 30 pearl baskets into their boats, the deliver them to a pearl farmer who will give them a clue. There is no obvious advantage of one over the other at first glance.
Water, Water Everywhere
The Daters, of course, have no idea what a junk is. A JUNK IS A BOAT. Didn’t your parents read to you?
Scrambling back down from the cave they find boats. And signs that say “OVER” and “UNDER.” “Do you know how to row a boat?” “Did you ever row a boat?” “Please don’t yell at me.” Please stop your passive aggressive crap. You can’t out passive-aggressive each other so stop making us watch you try.
We are treated to seemingly endless bickering from The Daters. He hyperbolizes “We’re never getting out of this harbor.” No never. You’ll grow old there, stroking your beard and living off of fish. Don’t taunt me with the dream. You’ll only disappoint me later.
Tom and Jerry worry about having to row but settle in on deck chairs. Hetucky admits that he is ascairt of deep water, punctuated by a plumber’s asscrack. I find that over time I am able to decipher a word or two, but comprehending Spanish is easier. I got her saying “When you become my boss you can tell me what to do.” One gets the feeling that she has said that more than, say, 10,000 times. The Daters try to figure out how to row. He says things like “up, down, up, down.” He may have said that more than once. I’d like to share more of their incessant bickering but it gives me a shooting pain in the center of my skull. They have picked “Under” and eventually begin to pull up baskets of pearls.
Tom and Jerry try to figure out how to row. Hetucky manages to row with Shetucky shrieking at him. Tom and Jerry try to figure out how to row. Gaywin and Gayerwin row a bit. Gimp jabbers while Perv rows. The Moms don’t know how to row. The Queens, Beauty try to row from a standing position. Tom and Jerry have figured out how to row and went to the wrong place. I don’t know how they figured out that they were in the wrong place, but I’ll take their word for it. By the way Ha Long Bay is just beautiful with dottings of craggy rocks rising from the deep green water. I would be a lovely place to visit. But we can’t because we have snuck up to commercials.
Gimp and Perv start pulling up pearl baskets, but he fails to notice that he is in a boat and manages tilt it over enough to flood it. Tom and Jerry, apparently having found where they belong, run their boat into the Perv who throws a temper tantrum. Gaywin and Gayerwin, Perv/Gimp, and the Models finish getting the pearl baskets; one of the indistinguishable two tells the other that “You are just a muscle man today.”
And with this single sentence I am reminded why I watch this show. No amount of fiction reading, hanging with my friends, or social science research would ever convince me that people in real life would actually say things like this. And if I happened to overhear it I would bust out laughing in one of those fits that make your eyes burn and coffee fly out of your nose.
The Daters arrive at the pit stop first. They win a jet ski each, just the thing for folks who are always over the top anyway. Phil, who apparently is trying to channel Jeffy, slyly asks them if they are being nice to each other. I cannot bear to listen to the answer.
Back to the sampans, struggle ensues all around. The Moms are struggling to row against the wind. Many teams get to the next clue. Arriving at the junk Perv jumps right up into the boat. Gimp with more than a little panic in her voice says “Peter please don’t leave me here.” This shows prescience that I didn’t realize she had. This is followed by a confessional where she finds that she isn’t always comfortable with the Perv’s temperament or his treatment toward her. You go girl! Oh, and she thinks he is a pussy.
Tom and Jerry pull up pearl baskets near the Queens, Beauty. And I am unable to resist my continuing impulse to to show you a Tom and Jerry pic. And the Models discover that their junk is moving slowly because the anchor is still down ????
The Perv and Gimp hit the pit stop, Moms and Hillbillies get to the clue. And the Models then Gaywin and Gayerwin hit the pit stop. We are left to ponder the fate of the last few on the water. Tom and Jerry and the other Queens seem to be fighting for last place the Other Queens are slightly unpleasant, unheard of in the Beauty Queen racket. One is “slightly upset” with the other. Tom. Or is it Jerry. Is physically exhausted. We seem to be in for an extended session of “Who’s The Biggest Pussy?” I’m sure you’ll be surprised to learn that this isn’t my favorite game. I’d rather see them play Cut Off A Limb With A Machete but alas, that is not to be. “I’m just so tired.” “Let me cry as I paddle.” “I’m so exhausted.” The Moms are bearing up, hoping they aren’t eliminated. The Queens, Beauty seem to have been paddling around looking for Phil instead of the junk they were on before. It wouldn’t be the first time that we have experienced and elimination for stupidity, but they aren’t as frequent as they should be.
The Moms make it to the pit stop. Meanwhile Tom or Jerry is in the water pulling the boat. This is incomprehensible. If he were walking it would be one thing, but he seems to be swimming pulling the boat. The Queens, Beauty have lost the clue and are sick of the “blame game.” Tom and Jerry and the Queens are all sobbing. “It’s so HARD!” and he isn’t talking about a penis. “It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done.” I can barely stand it. Why are you doing this to me, forcing me to endure this nonsense, this puerile sniveling?
I must get this over with. The Queens, Beauty arrive at the pit stop and live to blame and bicker another day. Tom and Jerry, lovingly pictured above, are the last to arrive. As with all male gay couples they now have a stronger, more touching relationship for having had this experience together.
Next time the remaining Queens get down with an alligator and SURPRISE Gimp isn’t having fun with Perv.
And as for me -- Race, I'm putting you on notice!
¶ 10:05 PM 3 Comments
It's Too Hard!!!
by TechnoirPreface
Let me start with the essentials of life here. Sunday is for football. Sunday has been for football since before I could walk. And this season we have the advent of Sunday Night Football. At 8PM. So what in the bloody blue blazes is The Amazing Race doing on on Sunday night?
Not only is it on on Sunday night but I can't tell what damn time it is going to be on because all of the schedule gets shifted depending on when the football game ends. And my Comcast provided fake-Tivo will record the scheduled time, not the actual time of a show. Even if I am sitting there recording it manually. It just shuts the hell off when it thinks the show is supposed to be over.
So now we have gays and damn athiests on during The Children's Hour on a show that has long ago worn thin at an unpredictable time opposite a football game (Pittsburgh v San Diego I'll have you know) that I can't watch because I am dedicated to you, my public, who must not be forced to watch this increasingly dreadful POS yourself. I sometimes wish that I could be more like Heatherwho is actually enjoying the show this season but then I remember that she is eight months pregnant and count my blessings.
Enough! On With The Show!
Tonight's episode, curiously enough, begins with a ticking stopwatch and an ancient curmudgeon babbling on about knowing the capitals of 48 states and some other blather that I can't bear to watch. Sorry but you're on your own here. Do you think that one day Andy Rooney will die on-air? Or that he and Charlie Daniels have a thing going and that he'll outlast us all? Creepily enough, he is followed by a Cialis commercial featuring a graphic definition of priapism.More commercials ... Oh wait. The show hasn't actually started yet. Whew!
Previously on The Amazing Race Dweeze told you what happened in a much more interesting way. Phil just wants us to be all tense about that half an hour that Tom and Jerry had to stand in time-out for cheating. We didn't believe it then and we don't believe it now Phil. I'd offer another moment of silence for the passing that was Duke and Lauren but I still can't stand his bigoted self, so they're on their own. The only thing that surprises me is that Phil didn't get that man-boob breast reduction surgery that I told him about last season. I guess you just can't help some people.
Eight teams remain. We are returned to that lovely opening montage when they were all shiny and new and we were trying to figure out who they were, only to be shocked that we have totally forgotten some of them already. Remember Vipul and Arti?
Commercials, bulleted for your convenience:
- AOL is now the bastion of safety on the internet. You need them. They have a dorky guy wearing a dreadful brown jacket, so he must be useful.
- Triaminic cough syrup which is evidently for unartfully created paper cutout wolf children on Hallowe’en. Perhaps they are werewolves and need to suppress their coughs better to approach prey. Although it says “The medicine of motherhood.” Perhaps the werewolves are trying to infiltrate our hearts by advertising their sweetness and maternal instinct.
- Scummy fake poker players, a mechanic, and geek boys for Wendy’s who has apparently decided to make a play for the unbathed male population.
- Chase has some bonus if you use their card as if you don’t pay for it.
- NCIS, Another Boring Episode.
Woo Hoo! We’re back
We begin in the rice patty outside of Hanoi where we found the last pit stop. The Wins, Gay and Gayer, leave first. I can’t tell them apart but one of them is wearing a tee shirt that says “Let’s Hug It Out.” And you know I can’t make this stuff up.
They are going to Ly Tai To Gardens in Hanoi by taxi. Given that it is now 10:55 PM we strongly suspect that we will soon be witness to one of the traditional TAR devices that always seems to surprise the participants: Bunching. The camera takes us to Hanoi and through the gardens, softly lit with the red light that in the days of American warring indicated the presence of ladies who would love you long time but now reminds us all of the takeover by the Reds. Or perhaps it is just another wave of the evanescent scent of Robert McNamara.
I seem to have wandered a bit. Sorry. It is too close to election time.
No wonder I wandered. One of them is babbling about how they are Asian-Americans and have to represent well in the race because, you know, they are symbols of all Asian-Americans. It’s the one with the shirt. So they joke about going to Disneyland. Apparently they don’t realize that they have already failed miserably.
The models, who would be gay if they didn’t love themselves so much, make dong jokes in the taxi. Rob of Rob and Kimberly calls the cab driver “bro.” The Pageant Blondes are wearing pink caps. The Gimp and The Sadistic Control Freak (SCF) are next. Oh, I just can’t stand it. There’s nothing to watch except wave after wave of these dweebs getting a clue – literally of course. Nothing could cause a single one of them to get a mental clue. They get money. They get in cabs. They ride in the dark. And because there isn’t a damn thing to see we are ‘treated’ to a seemingly endless stream of confessionals. And damn, they do go on.
How many times are we going to hear about the Moms who Live For Their Children? And really, how much perky can one writer stand? Can anybody understand a word the Kentuckians are saying? Besides everybody knows that a coalminer with any ambition figures out a way to become a hockey player. How on earth did these two end up on TV? Could the producer understand a word they were saying? Wait, I think she said “couch potato” and “my foot.” Also, I know from personal experience that not every aging gay runs like a girl and cries at every opportunity.
Oh, the producers love stereotypes? Doh. But I thought Landru asked them to stop. They really ought to listen. He has Powers.
We were on the way to the gardens, weren’t we?They get in cabs, get out of cabs, say “go go go” to cab drivers. A lot. They seem to all be wearing coal miner’s headgear with lights. Perhaps they will all turn into Kentucky before this race is over. They arrive at the gardens and are treated to an auditory clue that is half in English and half in what I presume is Vietnamese. A recording at the ghost of Robert McNamara statue tells them “Attention Racers. Take a taxi across the Red River to Ben Xe Gia Lam then Ben Xe Bai Chay then find the Hydrofoil Harbor.” At first I had a flash of an ancient John Wayne movie but then remembered that everyplace has a red river. It is the one that is full of mud. And Vietnam is no exception.
In the ensuing chaos there are pitiful failed attempts to reproduce the tone and syllabification of the recording. Why let's all make fun of our racers because they don't speak the language. The Moms and Kentucky are particularly wretched. Those who appear a bit more clueful take the taxi driver to the recording. Of course it is partially in English so that doesn't work so well. The daters -- well he is the worst drama queen I've ever seen. She keeps telling him 'Don't freak out Don't freak out." Shetucky tells the taxi driver of her love for him and practically giggles. Gaywin and Gayerwin keep representing. They're 'tailing' somebody but I don't think they mean what I might mean by 'tailing.'
And the daters are in some tragically annoying downward spiral. She yells and yells at him about not freaking out. Of course that creates such a calming atmosphere. He says -- again, I'm not making this up -- "He's just toying with us right now" while freaking out. He is sweating like a stuck pig. Why yes Dave. You've caught on to those wiley Asian taxi drivers. The get a victim in the taxi and, like a cat with a mouse, just toy away. It is all retaliation for the war that happened before the taxi driver was born.
I can't tell you how grateful I am for commercials brought to you by Excedrin.
- Excedrin is available someplace
- Cheerios are fruity. They look like Froot Loops.
- There is all this traffic in New York City colored in a golden-tinged semi- daguerreotype kind of picture. It is really quite attractive, although I think it is supposed to be a bit scary. Then the cars start floating and my head explodes. I force myself for the sake of all of you to study it. This takes a while because the floating car makes my neck snap my head in a direction not facing the television. After some experiments with mirrors (or, as that other wretched commercial says, murrrs) I find that GM now has a 100,000 mile warranty. Big whoop.
- Gold and black are clearly the colors of the evening. Golden and black colored things for Sprint and it's powerful network.
- A gold bouncing happy face and taped on numbers for Wal-Mart because they don't want you to think about what those low prices are actually costing you.
- Things blowing up for The Unit.
- CBS telling you how intensely they care about you by using autistic children.
Back To The Fray
The daters bail out of their taxi, find another and drag him back to hear the announcement. Whereupon he utters the single most ridiculous sentence I have ever heard on the Race, and I’ve heard many.
“I’m done talking with foreigners.”
I can’t quite bring myself to explain so I’ll just wait a minute while you think about this man in a taxi in Hanoi. Who is done talking with “foreigners.”
.
.
.
Ok, ready to proceed?
Mr. and Mrs. Coalminer say some stuff. Their taxi driver says some stuff. It is all indecipherable but they end up back at the announcement with the taxi driver. The Moms look despairing and lost, eventually ending back at the announcement with their driver.
Finally the Queens, Beauty find the Hydrofoil schedule followed closely by the other Queens inexplicably wearing matching orange shirts and Gaywin and Gayerwin. We seem to have an emerging theme. They can stop this matching clothes nonsense any time, but in my heart of hearts I suspect producer encouragement. Gimp and Perv (I could never improve on those names) arrive followed by the Moms. The Models are in there somewhere. This is one of those middle of the night things when we have no sense of time. Of course it really doesn’t matter because of the Bunching. The Daters arrive, she whining and he predicting the doom of civilization talking about the “worst taxi experience in the history of taxi driving.” He appears to be the greatest master of hyperbole in the history of hyperbole-masters. The Hillbillies get back on track and she struggles to plant a huge smooch on the taxi driver. Wiggle and squirm though he might, he can’t escape.
So they are in Full Bunch on a bus to Ha Long Bay. We are fortunate because sometime during the 100 mile bus trip the day has dawned and we are able to see what is a very beautiful country. They still need to find Hydrofoil Harbor.Where they find a Roadblock. Y'know, Phil didn't explain what a Roadblock is. I'm so disappointed. Does he think we already know? That we hang on his every word? ? He does explains in his High Drama Voice that one team member must use mechanical ascenders to climb up the sheer face of a rock to receive their clue. First come first served for the three ascenders.
After some confusing footage of each of the teams (Bunched, remember?) grabbing clues and racing on foot along a breakwater to small boats with outboard motors. There is some bumping going down to the water’s edge. Tom and Jerry are first and Daters second at this point, although we all know that the position doesn’t matter at all. Shetucky’s leg hurts. The Queens, Beauty push ahead of the Moms who point out that the ensuing leg cut is what she deserved for cutting ahead. The boats race across the harbor, the Models whining about their crappy boat.
For all of Phil’s Danger Voice they are equipped and strapped and strapped and helmeted such that if anybody had a heart attack they’d probably just hang from their straps. Our major drama is provided by The Gimp who worriedly stares at the cliff and The Perv who keeps telling her how she will be ok. When she looks shaky he shouts that she should play her handicapped card to get the next ascender. While she is a sniveling overachiever, he really is a colossal perverted over controlling shit.
The Daters are down, heading for another boat trip a mile across the harbor to Sung Sot Cave. The clue is inside the cave. They are followed by the Hillbillies.
And we’re back to the rock face where we see helmets and hands and some photographer hoping to earn his chops so that he can find work on some Freddy movie. In spite of the high drama, most folks suck up the pain and get to the top eventually. I suspect heavy and fast editing behind the scenes. I also suspect in real life this took hours and was accented with endless boring whining. The Gimp is on her way up the hill, still sniveling about her metal appendage getting caught when we are relieved by another round of commercials.
- Brought to you by Wendy's All White Meat Chicken Sandwich
- Wendy's 99 cent Super Value Meal by all of those white guys who don't bathe
- Assorted floors for Lowe's
- Unattractive women backed up by a drum solo for Dove's shampoo and conditioner
- Gold Rush which seems to be a television show on CBS
- Doogie Houser and some other people that I wish didn't exist for two dreadful CBS shows
- 10 seconds of Survivor
- John Lithgow who was once a decent actor hawking wretched expensive canned soup
- Somebody with a british accent for a Mercedes. I think they are trying to be more like BMW
- Meat, meat, and more meat for Ruby Tuesday
- My Local News for My Local News
Meanwhile the frontrunners arrive at the cave and, unlike the sneakily constructed preview, have to get off of the boat and climb up a path constructed for tourists to the caves. This bay is populated with huge rock outcroppings apparently, in some cases, containing caves and this is one of those not so fascinating entities. The Daters arrive first at the clue; he can’t believe it. They find a Detour and once again Phil fails to explain what a detour is. I’m so disappointed. Btw, his breasts still look ginormous in the loose orange shirt. Wearing that silly necklace doesn’t distract the eye.
Meanwhile the Moms, the Models, the Queen, Beauty and the Gimp struggle up the cliff with coaching from their partners below. I thought male models had to work out but these two don’t seem to have a muscle between them.
The Detour consists of Over where they ride a junk to a marked buoy, then row a sampan to a supply boat, load provisions, row to a floating village – a cluster of boats on which folks work and live – and deliver the provisions to specific addresses. They then row back to the supply boat with the signed invoice which they trade for the next clue. Or Under where they ride a junk to a different marked buoy, row a sampan to a pearl farm marked with buoys lined up like curvy lane markers in a pool, choose a lane, and pull up (harvest) 30 pearl baskets into their boats, the deliver them to a pearl farmer who will give them a clue. There is no obvious advantage of one over the other at first glance.
Water, Water Everywhere
The Daters, of course, have no idea what a junk is. A JUNK IS A BOAT. Didn’t your parents read to you?Scrambling back down from the cave they find boats. And signs that say “OVER” and “UNDER.” “Do you know how to row a boat?” “Did you ever row a boat?” “Please don’t yell at me.” Please stop your passive aggressive crap. You can’t out passive-aggressive each other so stop making us watch you try.
We are treated to seemingly endless bickering from The Daters. He hyperbolizes “We’re never getting out of this harbor.” No never. You’ll grow old there, stroking your beard and living off of fish. Don’t taunt me with the dream. You’ll only disappoint me later.
Tom and Jerry worry about having to row but settle in on deck chairs. Hetucky admits that he is ascairt of deep water, punctuated by a plumber’s asscrack. I find that over time I am able to decipher a word or two, but comprehending Spanish is easier. I got her saying “When you become my boss you can tell me what to do.” One gets the feeling that she has said that more than, say, 10,000 times. The Daters try to figure out how to row. He says things like “up, down, up, down.” He may have said that more than once. I’d like to share more of their incessant bickering but it gives me a shooting pain in the center of my skull. They have picked “Under” and eventually begin to pull up baskets of pearls.
Tom and Jerry try to figure out how to row. Hetucky manages to row with Shetucky shrieking at him. Tom and Jerry try to figure out how to row. Gaywin and Gayerwin row a bit. Gimp jabbers while Perv rows. The Moms don’t know how to row. The Queens, Beauty try to row from a standing position. Tom and Jerry have figured out how to row and went to the wrong place. I don’t know how they figured out that they were in the wrong place, but I’ll take their word for it. By the way Ha Long Bay is just beautiful with dottings of craggy rocks rising from the deep green water. I would be a lovely place to visit. But we can’t because we have snuck up to commercials.
- We are supposed to vote for the most irritating partner, from Sprint who apparently don't realize that it would be impossible to decide.
- More gold and black from Sprint.
- Cartoony people for the "Over The Hedge" DVD. I'm supposed to care if I am the first to own it.
- A dog gargling for Kibbles 'n Bits
- Pseudo-hip folks for playing Monopoly at McDonalds
- Some chick talking to herself about birth control pills. I can't imagine how chicks who talk to themselves need birth control pills.
- AOL annoying me again.
- CBS couldn't sell all of the advertising time so they're trying to get me to watch Cold Case Files and CSI: Miami with that horrid horrid horrid David Caruso. Just typing his name creeps me out.
Still they struggle on the water. The Daters bicker, Tom and Jerry snivel, the Models pull up pearl baskets, the Moms get to the supply boat. At least they are pleased when things work out or when they accomplish something.
The Daters get to the next clue apparently first although how can one tell? They have to row their sampans back to their junks and take their junks nine miles to
Gimp and Perv start pulling up pearl baskets, but he fails to notice that he is in a boat and manages tilt it over enough to flood it. Tom and Jerry, apparently having found where they belong, run their boat into the Perv who throws a temper tantrum. Gaywin and Gayerwin, Perv/Gimp, and the Models finish getting the pearl baskets; one of the indistinguishable two tells the other that “You are just a muscle man today.”
And with this single sentence I am reminded why I watch this show. No amount of fiction reading, hanging with my friends, or social science research would ever convince me that people in real life would actually say things like this. And if I happened to overhear it I would bust out laughing in one of those fits that make your eyes burn and coffee fly out of your nose.
The Daters arrive at the pit stop first. They win a jet ski each, just the thing for folks who are always over the top anyway. Phil, who apparently is trying to channel Jeffy, slyly asks them if they are being nice to each other. I cannot bear to listen to the answer.
Back to the sampans, struggle ensues all around. The Moms are struggling to row against the wind. Many teams get to the next clue. Arriving at the junk Perv jumps right up into the boat. Gimp with more than a little panic in her voice says “Peter please don’t leave me here.” This shows prescience that I didn’t realize she had. This is followed by a confessional where she finds that she isn’t always comfortable with the Perv’s temperament or his treatment toward her. You go girl! Oh, and she thinks he is a pussy.
Tom and Jerry pull up pearl baskets near the Queens, Beauty. And I am unable to resist my continuing impulse to to show you a Tom and Jerry pic. And the Models discover that their junk is moving slowly because the anchor is still down ????The Perv and Gimp hit the pit stop, Moms and Hillbillies get to the clue. And the Models then Gaywin and Gayerwin hit the pit stop. We are left to ponder the fate of the last few on the water. Tom and Jerry and the other Queens seem to be fighting for last place the Other Queens are slightly unpleasant, unheard of in the Beauty Queen racket. One is “slightly upset” with the other. Tom. Or is it Jerry. Is physically exhausted. We seem to be in for an extended session of “Who’s The Biggest Pussy?” I’m sure you’ll be surprised to learn that this isn’t my favorite game. I’d rather see them play Cut Off A Limb With A Machete but alas, that is not to be. “I’m just so tired.” “Let me cry as I paddle.” “I’m so exhausted.” The Moms are bearing up, hoping they aren’t eliminated. The Queens, Beauty seem to have been paddling around looking for Phil instead of the junk they were on before. It wouldn’t be the first time that we have experienced and elimination for stupidity, but they aren’t as frequent as they should be.
The Moms make it to the pit stop. Meanwhile Tom or Jerry is in the water pulling the boat. This is incomprehensible. If he were walking it would be one thing, but he seems to be swimming pulling the boat. The Queens, Beauty have lost the clue and are sick of the “blame game.” Tom and Jerry and the Queens are all sobbing. “It’s so HARD!” and he isn’t talking about a penis. “It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done.” I can barely stand it. Why are you doing this to me, forcing me to endure this nonsense, this puerile sniveling?
I must get this over with. The Queens, Beauty arrive at the pit stop and live to blame and bicker another day. Tom and Jerry, lovingly pictured above, are the last to arrive. As with all male gay couples they now have a stronger, more touching relationship for having had this experience together.
Next time the remaining Queens get down with an alligator and SURPRISE Gimp isn’t having fun with Perv.
And as for me -- Race, I'm putting you on notice!
¶ 10:05 PM 3 Comments
Monday, October 02, 2006
Episode Three: You Don't Have To Live Like An Amputee
Previously on The Amazing Race:
One of the former drug addicts turned male models admitted that his moment of clarity came when he was arrested for the third time for giving hand jobs for crack. A beauty queen lost her Mongol Helmet (cue Ilse laughing). Something needed a hand crank to get started. The cheerleaders were eliminated despite getting a hand with the hand cranking when they drove down the right road, decided they were going the wrong way, then turned around and drove back the other direction.
Hey! That actually was previously on The Amazing Race! SWEET!
Sun comes up, it’s Tuesday morning. (Sometimes the inside references are just for me. Sorry.)
We open in outer Mongolia. Better than opening in Baltimore, I guess. Anyway, it’s 6:54, and Peter and Sarah, the first to arrive, are the first to depart. They open the clue and find out they’re on their way to Vietnam to find the infamous Hanoi Hilton. They seem happy, and I am as well, thrilled at the prospect of jokes writing themselves. The teams are given no money and must find a travel agency to get their tickets. It would be tough to do with no new money, though I know everything I could possibly want in Vietnam is only five dolla.
And so Peter and Sarah are off, having served their purpose as our exposition source for the start of the episode. They’re followed shortly after by Tyler and James, who are thrilled to be traveling to the heart of the golden triangle. Next out are Duke and Lauren.
As they are driving, Duke sees a bunch of girls walking by the side of the road and asks Lauren if she can use her super sharp Lesbian sense to tell if the girls are gay. Okay, he didn’t phrase it that way. Instead he said
“You suppose they’re friends or…”
letting the sentence hang there. Yeah Duke. They’re lesbians. Outer Mongolia is famous for its walking daisy chains.
Duke tells us he avoided Vietnam because his draft number wasn’t called. Let’s see. Duke is 52 now. That means he was born in 1954 and turned 18, draft age, in 1972. The draft was abolished in 1973. So that leaves a year in which he would have been subject to the draft lottery. Okay, I’ll grant him this one. But just this one. What that means, though, is that today was the first time Duke had to open an envelope and find out he was going to Vietnam.
Next out, no pun intended, are Tom and Terry. Folks, let me set my summarizing hat aside for a second for some practical advice. I don’t care what your preference is – gay, lesbian, straight, transgendered, animals – don’t, and I can’t stress this strongly enough, don’t choose a partner whose name, when attached to your name, makes you sound like a cartoon cat and mouse. No Tom and Terry. No Jon and Cherie. No Bitchy and Catchy. Take that to heart and you’ll thank me later.
Tom says they have trouble making decisions together and implies that it’s due to the fact that they have only been together two years. Tom buddy, you can be with someone for, oh, say five years and still have trouble making decisions together. Time seems to have nothing to do with it – it’s who you and your partner are as people.
We cut to Peter and Sarah in their car, as Sarah Exposition reads more of the clue. Not only are they given no money to start the leg, they can’t beg or sell any possessions to raise money. They arrive at the Genghis Khaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan hotel, home of the travel agency, and find that the agency doesn’t open until 9:00 am. James and Tyler arrive shortly after.
Back at the Pit Stop, Dustin and Kandice are ready to roll. Kandice says she is learning to be better with directions, which is strange because her bio says she is a rocket scientist.
Sorry. I misread that. Her bio says she is a Rockette. Big difference.
Next to go are Rob and Kimberly, who start the leg the only way they know how. At each other’s throats. Considering how much time these two spend fighting all through each leg, the make-up sex each night must be tremendous.
We’re getting to the end of the departures. Mary and David are in seventh place. They open the clue and David starts thinking about his father. His dad served a tour of duty in Nam, and seldom spoke about it to David.
Now, I’m not usually one to open the door at the behind the scenes aspects of summary writing. But I had a great visual planned here as I watched the episode. When David started talking about his dad being in the military, the visual I got was of the country bumpkin character in the movie Stripes. I was going to find a picture of that character (played by John Diehl) and put it in the summary with the caption “David’s father during his military service.” But I couldn’t find one. So imagine that picture is here, imagine that caption, and imagine yourselves laughing at it. Not a laugh out loud, granted. More a small, satisfied chuckle.
They drive along, David reminiscing and Mary worried about the race. We cut to other teams arriving at the Khaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan, and then back to Erwin and Godwin leaving the Pit Stop. Godwin tells us he’s already won because he’s traveling the globe seeing beautiful sites with his brother. Yeah, and Billy has already won Survivor Social Experiment Island because he and the Candice who spells her name in a manner that doesn’t set spell check off found true love.
Cut back to the Khaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan, where the travel agency opens up. Four clerks, no waiting. The first three teams go in to the farthest clerks, leaving the clerk closest to the door free. Do Tom and Terry, the fourth team in line, go to this clerk? No. They move past her farther into the room. Dustin and Kandice, fifth in line, go to the free clerk, prompting what can only be described as a hissy fit from Tom and Terry. They accuse Dustin and Kandice of cutting in line, and get upset when Kandice accidentally calls Tom Terry. Or Terry Thomas. I get confused. Terry stage whispers “They are not going to win a beauty pageant of kindness.” Snap. You go girl!
Wait. Beauty pageant of kindness? What the fuck does that mean? Shouldn’t that just be a kindness pageant?
Mind you, cutting in line isn’t good, but cutting in line usually involves some sort of physical activity, like pushing someone else aside who was there. I have no doubt that Dustin and Kandice, who are both much butcher than Tom and Terry, could put them down like rabid dogs if they wanted. But they didn’t here. Tom and Terry walked right by one ticket agent, and Dustin and Kandice went to her instead. It’s not going to matter anyway – this thing has airport bunching written all over it. And the confusion thing? It’s not like you could tell Dustin and Kandice apart without DNA testing. So just chill out boys.
Last out from the Pit Stop are Lyn and Karlyn. Lyn tells us that the reace isn’t that glamorous, that it’s painful and full of hard work, just like childbirth. Now, I was there when Little E was born, and it didn’t involve traveling all around the world. Course, it was a Caesarian. Vaginal birth may be different.
Cut back to the Khaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan, where we find out that the fastest flight leaves at 1:00 pm and arrives in Vietnam at 9:00 pm. Everyone present gets booked on it, as do the teams that arrive later. All nine teams will start out on equal footing, except of course for Sarah. And with that we leave the Genghis Khaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan Hotel and that particular joke.
We take to the air and in no time arrive in Hanoi. Kandice and Dustin are first out, followed by Rob and Kimberly and Tyler and James. We see shots of people piling into cabs, Sarah being unable to keep up with Peter in the airport, Lyn and Karlyn trying to get a van for both them and David and Mary, and Duke and Lauren walking with a Hanoi resident they met on the plane who has agreed to help them. Inside their van, Lyn and Karlyn say they were being helpful, which is what Southerners do. Didn’t they drive right by someone having trouble last week, or was that my imagination? Oh well. Back at the airport, Duke and Lauren are still waiting for their newfound friend to come out of the airport. Eventually she comes out and gets in the cab with them.
Up ahead, there’s trouble on the road. A truck has turned over. For some reason, Dustin and Kandice get out of their cab to look around. As they do, other teams pass them. They finally get back in their cab and move on past the truck as do all the other teams.
Except for Duke and Lauren, who are still with their new friend. She needs to go to her brother’s place, and then her brother will guide them to their destination. Yes, this woman is taking revenge for every local who has ever been exploited by a TAR contestant. Right on! Power to the people! Stick it to the man!
Lauren, who apparently is not smart enough to see the upcoming need-to-wait-til-morning-for-it-to-open bunch, starts to panic about being eliminated. Duke is more worried about their lack of cash, especially when their Hanoi helper tells them the cab will be $10 to $20. Seems they only have $11, and after Duke makes a special purchase, they’ll only have $6.
Rob and Kim and Tyler and James are the first two teams to arrive, finding out that the prison does not open until 8:00 am. Everyone else eventually arrives, including Duke and Lauren. Duke offers the cab driver all his money, and the driver accepts. Maybe it would have been smart to keep something in reserve. Just saying, Duke.
In the morning, an attendant opens the door and hands everyone a piece of paper describing what the Hanoi Hilton was and their mission inside. Someone starts reading the message outloud, and as they do, we segue into Phil’s voiceover, reading the exact same words. A tricky little edit, and kind of cool if you think about it. The mission, we are told, is to find the flight suit worn by Senator John “I was against torture before I was for it” McCain when he was brought to the prison as a young captured pilot.
The teams start racing around the prison. Inside are exhibits of what went on, though according to online sources, the Vietnamese have whitewashed the history and do not tell of the gruesome tortures that were practiced there. So while we see a small cave-like cell where prisoners were kept (now an accepted practice under the Military Commissions Act of 2006), or another small cell where rows of prisoners were forced to sit upright for hours in cramped conditions (also now an accepted practice under the Military Commissions Act of 2006), we don’t see where the waterboarding (also now an accepted practice under the Military Commissions Act of 2006) or the Bastinado (also now an accepted practice under the Military Commissions Act of 2006) or the denailing (also now an accepted practice under the Military Commissions Act of 2006) or the sleep deprivation (also now an accepted practice under the Military Commissions Act of 2006) or the various forms of psychological torture such as forced labor (also now an accepted practice under the Military Commissions Act of 2006), mock executions (also now an accepted practice under the Military Commissions Act of 2006), or being forced to witness atrocities (also now an accepted practice under the Military Commissions Act of 2006) took place. And yes, I’m pissed as all fucking hell that my country has come to this, and if you aren’t, you’re not paying attention.
Everyone eventually finds the room with the flight suit, more or less all at the same time. Some teams are respectful towards McCain and his sacrifice, which is much more than the hypocritical mother fucker deserves. Some teams, such as Dustin and Kandice and David and Mary, thank the man passing out clues. And then there’s Peter, who not once, not twice, but three times tries to reach in and grab the clue being handed to a team in front of him in line. You stay classy, Peter.
The clue instructs the team to go to the Old Quarter, the Vietnamese version of Old Navy, and find a flower shop. There they will receive their next clue. Everyone rushes to a cab, except the cash-deprived Duke and Lauren, who are forced to walk the several kilometers to the Old Quarter.
Tom and Terry get there first, and are the first to discover a roadblock. A roadblock, as we all know, is a task only one person can perform. In this task, that person has to sell 80,000 dong worth of flowers, or, using today’s currency exchange rate, $5 worth of flowers, from a bicycle.
Oh my. Eighty thousand dong equals five dolla. My head’s going to explode. And folks, can we have more countries give their currency names that make grown men giggle like ten year olds? Thanks.
The upside of earning that much dong is that you get to keep it. The downside, of course, is that after all is said and done, you only have $5.
Tom chooses to sell the flowers, and promptly goes out and begins to scream at passerby to purchase flowers. Yeah, that’s going to work.
Erwin and Godwin are next to arrive, Erwin doing the task. He has difficulty riding the bike and difficulty selling as well. Peter and Sarah are next, and Peter starts selling flowers like mad. I think something about his features and demeanor struck a chord with the ladies milling around the flower shop. He finishes first, despite all the other teams arriving (well, all the others but Duke and Lauren) and beginning the task. Sarah tells us in confessional that she’ll have to do the next roadblock and that she’ll jump into it “with both feet, no pun intended.” For the first time I notice the yellow safety glasses she wears. As he finishes, they get the clue, instructing them to take a public bus to the village of Vac, where they will find their next clue at the local Buddhist temple.
Duke and Lauren finally arrive, and Duke takes the task because he is a salesman. Once more to the bio, where we find out that he is the owner and operator of a successful company called My Little Town, which makes New England icons in miniature porcelain. Hmm. I would have thought he was regional sales manager for Grecian Formula, dude’s hair is so dark. Regardless, he makes porcelain miniatures of famous landmarks and HE questions his daughter’s sexual preferences?
Teams start to finish the task. Erwin completes it, as does Tom. Both teams head out to find a bus. Sarah and Peter have already found a bus, and as they board Sarah hopes that no one else will board their bus and that the bus is the right one. On well. One out of two ain’t bad.
Erwin and Godwin are the first to find a bus to Vac, and they get on as the bus takes off. Tom and Terry are next, getting on a bus all by themselves. Meanwhile, Sarah and Peter have discovered they are on the wrong bus. The driver lets them off, but they seem to have lost valuable time.
By now, everyone but Duke and Lauren have finished selling. Five teams set off wandering the streets of the Old Quarter in search of the bus station. This is, of course, the title of a lost Pirandello script. Duke and Lauren finishes, and find a much more direct route to the station, such that as we reach the sidewalk across the street from the station, all remaining six teams are together. The street is busy, and cars won’t stop, and Kimberly almost gets run over by a motorbike, but, as always, almost doesn’t count. Eventually everyone gets across the street (which Tyler refers to as a live action game of Frogger) and on the next bus to Vac. As a result, we have eight teams going to Vac and one team, Peter and Sarah, standing around trying to find a bus to Vac. And with that Dweeze bows his head and prays.
“Dear God, I know the Foley emails and IMs were a great gift, as was the Cards backing into the playoffs and tomorrow night’s Packer win, but please, if you could, let Peter and Sarah be eliminated tonight. Thanks.”
As we travel, David looks out at the Vietnamese countryside and gets wistful thinking of his father. We cut to Erwin and Godwin arriving in Vac. They are offered a ride on a motorcycle, but turn it down. Phil explains in voiceover that the clue told them that for safety reasons, they could not ride on a motorcycle in Vietnam. They aren’t allowed to get bogged down in a land war in Vietnam either, but that rule doesn’t come into play. They walk to the temple, finding it easily. They also find the clue box, which is surrounded by people holding one of those giant paper dragons. Finally, they find a detour. Everyone sing!
A detour is a choice between two tasks
Between two tasks
Between two tasks
A detour is a choice between two tasks
Each with its own pros and cons.
The choices here are Fuel or Fowl. In Fuel, teams must use wet, muddy Vietnamese coal to make 30 bricks. In Fowl, teams must use traditional tools, materials, and methods to make a Vietnamese birdcage. Erwin and Godwin choose Fuel and find someone to help take them there.
Cut back to Tom and Terry getting off the bus. They too are offered rides on motorcycles, and they too turn them… Wait. They accept. Can you say upcoming penalty time? Sure you can. Tom and Terry find the cluebox and choose forming coal bricks over making a birdcage, and I’m just going to let you make your own damn La Cage Aux Folles joke. Go ahead. I’ll wait.
Erwin and Godwin get instructions on how to make coal bricks and begin the task. Tom and Terry arrive shortly after and do the same. Erwin and Godwin finish, but are told their bricks are too small. That has to hurt. Of course, it’s never happened to me. Tom and Terry are doing something wrong with their brickmaking, much to the amusement of the gathered crowd.
Meanwhile, the third bus has arrived, disgorging six teams. All six find the clue and choose Fuel. The teams set out in vastly different directions, none of them smart enough to ask for assistance in getting there. Mary and David pause, however, and Mary remarks that the dancing dragon is just like something you would see on TV. This pause will prove to be crucial for them. Back at the task, Erwin and Godwin finish, getting a clue with instructions on finding the Pit Stop. It’s located in a rice paddy called Canh Dong Dia, and my chuckles at typing the word dong again are replaced by wonderment at the fact that rice paddies have names.
Meanwhile, Sarah and Peter have found the right bus and are arriving in Vac. Someone fell asleep at captioning, because the caption lists them as being in first when they are actually last. I’m certain this was inadvertent, cause if you were going to intentionally miscaption, you would say “Sarah and Peter, Gimp and Jerk”. At least I would.
Rob and Kimberly, Tyler and James, Dustin and Kandice, Karlyn and Lyn, and Duke and Lauren are all searching high and low through Vac for the task. Duke and Lauren get separated, see the birdcage task, and decide to do it. Mary and David, who got separated back at the cluebox, find the task and dig in. David complains that it’s not real coal like we have back home. In confessional he tells us he has been distracted all day, thinking of his father and how the Vietnamese feel about having a group of Americans swarm their town and not about the race, and he’s so damn sweet about it I’m glad I couldn’t find the Stripes picture.
Cut to Erwin and Godwin arriving at the Pit Stop, finding out that they each win a home entertainment system for taking first place.
Back at Fuel, everyone is working as hard as they can. Dustin and Kandice are actually working quite well. Peter and Sarah finally arrive, beginning to make bricks. Tom and Terry finish and head to the Pit Stop, where they are told they must take a thirty minute penalty for riding the motorcycles. But Phil! They just wanted something large, hard, and throbbing between their legs! Is that such a crime? Apparently so, because they are forced to step off the mat and wait and watch.
Cuts back to the tasks, as Duke and Lauren make a birdcage and everyone else makes bricks. Tyler and James finish, heading off to the Pit Stop. Next are Kandice and Dustin. David and Mary finish, but David leaves his fanny pack behind. They stop as he goes back to get it. As he does, Rob and Kimberly and Peter and Sarah finish and head out, passing David and Mary. As David retrieves the fanny pack, Lyn and Karlyn finish.
Back at the Pit Stop, Tyler and James check in. Rob and Kimberly have caught up to Dustin and Kandice and check in third. Dustin and Kandice take fourth. We are then treated to a very disturbing image. The path to the Pit Stop is narrow, with rice paddy on either side. We see the path in side view. Peter is running about ten paces ahead of Sarah, who is bent over, literally dragging her bad leg. Mother fucking son of a bitch couldn’t even be bothered to help her. Again, stay classy Peter. Stay classy. After they check in, Phil turns to Tom and Terry and says “This really must suck, huh guys?” Nice Phil. Ten seasons of treating all these folks politely starting to boil up within you?
We see Duke and Lauren finish the birdcage and start off. Cut to Lyn and Karlyn catching up to David and Mary as they make their way to the Pit Stop. Lyn and Karlyn offer to stay and walk with them, but David and Mary tell them to go on ahead and finish. They check in at sixth and seventh place respectively.
Lyn and Karlyn tell Phil they are upset that they had to pass Mary and David, but Mary tells them not to worry about it. Mary stands and waits for Tom and Terry to check in, telling them that someone has to walk with her to the resting area. In confessional Mary tells us that Lyn and Karlyn, Erwin and Godwin, and Tom and Terry form the back of the pack pack with them. She says all four of them hang out together during Pit Stops and try to help each other. Yes, the black females, the poor white folks, the Asians, and the gay guys hang out together. Throw in Sarah and you have a Democratic Party ad. The handicapped girl should be there, but Peter has more than enough Aryan in him for the two of them.
We see Duke and Lauren running for the Pit Stop, and we see Phil do his patented look to see if another team is coming, but you never get the feeling there is any danger for Tom and Terry. Phil finally motions them in, and they are long gone when Duke and Lauren arrive.
Duke and Lauren finally arrive, and though she is crying, he’s calm. He tells us in confessional that the race is something every parent should go through with their child. While they seemed like decent people, and are certainly more likable than several of the teams remaining, they made too many mistakes in this leg, and eventually paid the price. Or should I say Duke made too many mistakes. Which leads us to only one sad, perhaps inevitable, conclusion.
Duke sucks. ¶ 5:33 PM 4 Comments
