Friday, October 14, 2005
The Amazing Race: Incest Edition
Episode Three: The not so very interesting episode in which the best parts are when someone gets gas, and when we learn what will happen in the next episode
by TeamJoisey
Did any one of you spot any random bits of amusement on this episode? Was there a single moment that made you laugh? Smile? Consider putting aside the remote?
No, of course not.
Because this episode, even more so than all the boring TAR episodes that have come before, was a giant suckhole of entertainment. A caterwauling vacuum of mirth. The Linda Lovelace of Laughter, except that Linda Lovelace is currently technically dead, and thus any attempt at cadaver copulation would not produce the same therapeutic respiratory effects commonly associated with Ms. Lovelace’s cinematic exploits. I’ll say this however: This episode sucked more than prime Linda Lovelace and Little Oral Annie, and almost as much as renowned fellatrix Harriet Miers.
Nicely played, if I do say so myself. I’ve included a “sorry I’m boring” disclaimer, provided the obligatory necrophilia for Reasonable Rodent, mentioned the ass-licking Supreme Court nominee and threw in some pornography to boot. And speaking of pornography and ass licking, Miss Louisiana Sweetcheeks did not appear in this episode, which might account for the hideous ratings and my general lack of interest.
There are, of course, many other reasons to watch The Amazing Race Incest Edition. You might witness a guest appearance by Blake and Paige Mycoski, for instance. Perhaps Stasi Schroeder will confess she’s a leather-lovin’ Nazi, or it might be Rolly Weaver’s turn to wear the tight little pink shorts. Bully Gaghan’s repressed sister envy might erupt in sweet, sweet violence. Megan Linz might pull a train. And maybe, just maybe, the Paolo sons will wind up in a landfill.
Yeah, none of that has happened either. Yet. But people did get on a plane, which is a marked improvement in The Amazing Race season as a whole.
Speaking of The Amazing Race, I’m sure you’ve read the previous summaries by our Dark Lord and Master, Landru, and his prime minion, the Reasonable Rodent, Dweeze. You can find links to these works on that little sidebar thing over there on the side. I’ll assure you now; they were funnier.
If you’re pressed for time, here’s a brief recap: 10 families of four, Brooklyn Bridge, lost in NYC, row across the Delaware, drive to Amish country and try to kill mom, say goodbye to the Token family, which was in fact, token. Clearly, tokens can’t swim or paddle. Drive to a big shoe, get lost, drive to Washington, get lost, drive to a Civil War battlefield, fail to get shot, say goodbye to the Rogers family, which was in fact, home to the best ass on the show. And his daughter.
But those, those were the good episodes. Here’s what filled Episode 3, The One Where Nothing Happened.
Phil opens the show at the pit stop: Well-Born Manor, a monument to wealthy white southerners who used to enslave token folks like the Token family. Dey sho' be sorry dey be missin' dis.
The Widow Weaver and family, which Jesus favored with a first-place finish, depart at 2:26 a.m., or shortly before Rolly’s third nocturnal emission. The teams are told to fly to Charleston, South Carolina, and find a gazebo in an area called The Battery.
In previous episodes families were required to drive themselves. Suddenly we have chauffeurs. Perhaps it’s a southern thing, or perhaps producers realize there are planes to catch and they won’t let some bozo direct his son to drive 1600 miles in the wrong direction. And yes, the chauffeurs are token.
The testorone-soaked Linz-innati family departs a minute later, and little sister Megan tells us she’s got to make her macho brothers listen to more than just her orgasms. She commands their attention, and instructs them to drive to Washington-Dole Airport.
Team Shriek departs at 2:29, and they have abandoned the dress-alike motif. This does nothing to distinguish one blonde Godlewski sister from another.
Team Reichstag and the much-feared Stasi depart at 2:35, and stepmom tells us that she’s glad the children think of her as a friend and not the evil stepmom stereotype. She then proceeds to nag young Günter, who rolls his eyes at the evil stepmom biotch creature that’s fucked up his life.
My Three Sons-in-Law roll out at 2:37; Daddy’s Little Girls start at 2:38. That’s six teams inside of 12 minutes. Team Nukular Fambly leaves at 2:43, and Mom and Dad praise their wee moppets for their maturity. They are just like little adults. And it’s true! Right now Bully is caressing Carissa’s crotch.
Traffic problems. Uh-huh. That’s new. Two families borrow cell phones from their token drivers and phone ahead for plane tickets.
Team Garbage finally departs at 3:05 a.m. and they quarrel over whether they bicker. Mom declares this The Amazing Race-American Style. By which she means “boring except for the parts where her sons threaten to kill her.”
Arrival at the airport usually means a mad scramble for the best flights. In this episode, we see intense drama over whether teams get to sit on the plane that arrives at 10:04 a.m. … Or the one that arrives at 10:06 a.m. I swear to Landru, we spent 10 frikkin’ minutes on this two-minute gap. The only real drama in the airport was when an insecure novice traveler, the Widow Weaver, went back to the counter to ask some innocuous question about how planes operate, and NaziStasi became paranoid over the Widow Weaver’s furtive master plan to have Jesus rapture the kinfolk down to Charleston on a golden chariot.
Team My Three Sons-in-Law join in the paranoia. They suspect the Weavers have found an earlier flight, and hope the friendly widow will share her secret. As the Weavers walk past, the Aiellos ask if they found a better flight. Unfortunately for all involved, at that very moment the Weavers are communicating with the Lord, and don’t reply to the Aiellos.
Intense hatred blooms among the Boston Bozos, who share their feelings with the Louisiana Nazi and her Evil Stepbitch. Sharp claws and declarations of revenge, all because Jesus has Mommy on call waiting.
To punctuate the inanity engulfing this episode, the Widow Weaver directs the late-arriving Garbage Family to a third flight, which arrives at 10:38 a.m., and makes the point that a half-hour is no big deal.
Ho-hum.
Cut to Rolly Weaver and Günter Schroeder sharing a few harmless teen boy moments while waiting in the gate area. This, of course, is a problem for Günter’s bestest pal, the Evil Stepbitch, who doesn’t want Günter to fraternize with the enemy. She shares these thoughts during an extended conversation with one of Team Shriek’s Godlewski sisters. Stepbitch then corrals Günter and tells him to shut his pie hole and no talking with the other teams. He tells Rolly, “She’s a bitch.”
Finally, planes fly. Paolos bicker. Paolos complain about the bickering. Paolos gripe about the complaining over the bickering. Paolos grumble over the griping about the complaining over the bickering. We go to commercials, grumbling over ….
The Amazing Race – Lots of Driving Edition is sponsored by BP (British Petroleum) one of the world’s evil money sucking giants, and we are treated to a collection of faux anecdotes with sexual innuendo (Man: My personal record is about four minutes. Wife: That long?) … Take your wife to London, give her diamonds, but watch out for terrists … GMC has a fabulous new Denali, which is sure to be among the prizes somewhere during the race … IBM promises “incredible entertainment experiences in your lap” but offers a merely a computer instead of Miss Louisiana Sweetcheeks Brittany Rogers … Ladies: Use Jerkin’ Lotion and your knees will thank you. … and Staples introduces us to the folks who write the Survivor poetry.
Back to Charleston, and planes are landing. Scramble for cars. Driving. Battery. Gazebo. Clue box. Detour.
Each with its own pros and cons.
Two tasks. Forrest Gump: Squeeze the head off 200 pounds of shrimp.
Muddy Waters: Drive a jeep through an 400-foot course of deep mud.
Widow Weaver chooses mud. Linz-innati choses shrimp. Stasi und das Reichstag chose shrimp because Evil Stepbitch hates dirty laundry. My Three Sons-in-Law are thrilled at the chance to drive in the mud. Team Shriek chooses shrimp.
Das Schroeders begin to pinch the shrimp. Stasi opts to skip the gloves, probably because she likes the feeling when she squeezes their little heads off. Little brother Günter also likes the feeling when he "squeezes the head," and he’s probably thinking about Stasi at that very moment.
Team Nukular Fambly chooses mud, Daddy’s Little Girls chose shrimp. The Weavers arrive at the mud run (“thank you, Lord”), but Jesus won’t let them walk on water, or drive over mud. They get stuck, and get towed out. Repeatedly. The Aiellos begin the mud run, and get stuck just 30 feet from the finish line on their first attempt.
Team Trashcan chooses the shrimp task because Mom is eager to rip off heads with her fingers. Alas, she is referring to shrimp, and not her sons. She means the smelly little creature with no backbone. And yes, that is her husband.
Weavers roll in the mud. Aiellos mud wrassle. Schroeders argue over the proper way to decapitate crustaceans, one of the Linz boys makes out with a shrimp. No, not Günter. The Bransen girls get some sage advice from Dad: “If it’s got a head, squeeze it.” This works for both pimples and prom night.
Team Nukular Fambly arrives at the mud run, and the Widow Weaver and her hard-driving kin dismiss the Gaghans as city people who won’t be able to do the task. Weavers and Aiellos get stuck again, and Weavers abandon the mud run and head for the shrimp. No, not Günter.
Stasi und ze rest of her party conclude molesting the shrimp. No, not Günter. They get a clue that directs them to the Charleston Visitor Center, and two magical clipboards. These props determine which mystery charter bus you get to ride all night. One leaves two hours after the first, so this might be important. Probably not.
Linz-innati, Shriek and the Daughters finish abusing the shrimp. No, not Günter. With the Boston Bozos looking on in disbelief, Team Nukular Fambly completes the mud run on the first try. Bully did not sing “Coming Round the Mountain,” but you could feel it in the air.
Families Linz, Schroeder, Godlewski and Bransen fill the first bus. Aiellos continue to spin their wheels in the mud. Are they doomed?
Find out after these brainwashing moments from corporate America…
The first season of The Amazing Race is available on DVD, and damn! It’s a lot better than this version. … Buick promises total value in their high quality cars. HA! … Attention K-Mart shoppers: They think you are country music yahoos. … Aveeno ultra-calming moisturizer for your frenetic wrinkles … Presenting Country Crock mashed potatoes: Now you can buy pre-made leftovers … Local news tease for NYC’s “Wag the Subway” terror threat and how frikkin’ laser beams can stop your smoking habit… In a no doubt hastily assembled ad, Chevy is touting fuel economy … Verizon DSL is better than dialup and cheaper than cable. And slower than shit … Mercedes has been making cars longer than anyone, so they can overcharge, dammit. …
Back to the mud. Aiellos switch drivers, and finally succeed on the 14th attempt. This, I’m sure, will be discussed in great detail on Thanksgiving, because frankly, no one will want to mention the Red Sox.
Second bus: Gaghan, Paolo, Aiello, Weaver. And the Lord sayeth, “Let there be bunch.” Papa Gaghan leads a mock cheer over the four-way tie for last place.
Phil finally reveals the mystery destination as Huntsville Alabama, the rocket capital of the world, which is eight hours away. The first bus arrives, and those teams grab the clue. They head for the U.S. Space and Rocket Center and the Edward O. Buckbee Hangar, where the next clue awaits. It’s easy to locate the space center, identifiable by the large white phallic symbol protruding proudly in the night. No, not Günter.
Roadblock
Phil tells us that in this family version, roadblocks will sometimes be performed by two people. In this task, two people ride the centrifuge, which simulates the gravity force created during blastoff. They must endure 3.2Gs.
For those of you who still unclear on the statehood of Pennsylvania and other elementary school knowledge, Phil offers this quick science lesson:
“If you haven’t noticed, gravity is currently pushing on me.”
For the rest of you: “Boredom is currently pushing on me.”
So let’s wrap this thing up. The Bransen Babes are the first to the hanger, and grab tag #1 for the lone centrifuge, which takes several minutes to get up to the right speed, and several more minutes to stop. The Linz family takes tag #2, and then sits to WAIT FOR THE LONE CENTRIFUGE. Can you see where this is going?
Stasi und Herr Schroeder arrive third, and wait with the Linzer Division while the Bransen sisters go in circles. One of the gravitatin’ sisters echoes America’s sentiment during this task when she says, “It’s hard to keep my eyes open.”
Team Shriek arrives at Space Camp, debating whether a hangar is an actual airplane or an airplane storage facility. They claim spot #4 while the Bransen Babes are STILL in the centrifuge.
Daddy’s Little Girls finish the task, and the next clue sends them on a one-mile walk to Rocket Park’s space museum, where they get the chance to shill for America Online. Easy to find, because there is a large white phallic symbol protruding proudly in the night. Oh wait… that’s Günter. No, no… it’s the Saturn V rocket.
The next clue is an email video of Phil, telling them to go outside and run to the Pit Stop mat, which is under the space shuttle exhibit. Linz family collects clue… faux dramatic race to the mat… and the Bransen Babes check in first.
And then Phil announces the best prize in the history of reality TV. All licensed drivers on the team receive free gasoline for life. Whenever they pull into a BP or Arco station, they can fill up for free.
Yeah, the folks at BP are cool. Yeah, that oil company sure cares about the average folks. Yeah, that toxic-fume-spewin’ megalith makes me proud to be … uh wait… BRITISH petroleum? Yes, Bransen sisters, every time you need petrol, motor on to London, and they’ll refuel your motorcar, check under your bonnet, and wipe your boot. Cheerio now!
Well, OK, there are 15,000 BP or Arco stations in the United States, so they might find a station back home in Illinois. And yeah, this prize might be worth more than a quarter share of the million dollar first place money.
Consider Lindsay Bransen, age 20. She’ll drive for 40 more years, and with free gas, she’ll drive more than the average person. Figure 25,000 miles a year for 40 years (a million miles) with gas mileage of 20 mph (who needs an economical car?) and a price of 3 dollars a gallon. That’s about $150,000; roughly equivalent to the after-tax share of the “million dollar prize.”
So three cheers for an oil company!!! Hell, go ahead and drill away!!! Hell, go ahead and drill the daughters!!! Oil companies are sooo selfless, sooo considerate. Soooo beneficial to the planet. Oh so, so lovable.
Meanwhile, back in reality, the Linz-innati family jogs to the mat, with a muttered “darn it” so you know the Bransens are still standing there. Second place. You don’t get petrol, but we do have a nice selection of bean dip.
The second charter bus is rolling down the highway, and we are treated to the spectacle of the Widow Weaver’s pustulating daughter complaining about their tough day. Ooh, we got no sleep. Ooh, we had to go in the mud. Ooh, we had to pinch shrimp. Ooh, we are prisoners on a bus. (Shut up and sleep, bitch.) She starts laughing and sobbing and the other folks on the bus quietly move away from the insane passenger. During a rest stop at the Waffle House, slightly less zit-laden younger daughter Rachel says, “I can’t take it, Mommy.”
Mom’s answer: “Then lie… be completely fake.”
Jesus wept.
The UnrealityWeavers exit the Waffle House with enormous fake smiles and dance through the parking lot like drunks who just saw Cirque de Soleil. Those poster boys for mental stability, the Paolos, say the Weavers, “broke down … snapped … like, lost it … they just went nuts.”
Thank you Dr. Paolo.
But don’t let Tom Cruise hear you.
AOL says high-speed connections make you more vulnerable to viruses … GMC car assembly robots love soul music … Verizon network provides you with 50,000 stalkers … Kohl’s has women’s clothes and the models look hot. Oh wait, that’s Günter. … Amazon aborigines keep a GPS in their loincloth, thanks to the wonders of Duracell Promos for a new show called Close to Home which no one will watch … and Inigo Montoya’s show that no one will watch because they are all watching Lost … and then CBS’ CSI:NY – the Alphabet Strikes Back … Acura’s invisible car commercial … American Express Gift Cards … Mercedes Benz … local news tease… and we return to find:
The Weavers happily dancing in the parking lot, singing on the bus, and making complete fools of themselves.
Back at Space Camp, Das Schroeders and the Shrieks complete the mission and run for Rocket Park. And yes, one of the Godlewski sisters shrieks, “That was so cool you guys!!!” Schroeders finish third, Godlewski fourth. And they shriek.
The second bus finally arrives, and the other teams throw the Weavers onto the sidewalk. They grab a clue and a car, and ask the Lord for wisdom. The other three teams also drive to space camp.
The Weavers arrive at the centrifuge, and claim spot #5. For those keeping score, the Weavers will finish in fifth place.
The Nukular Fambly, My Three Sons-in-Law and the Garbage Family arrive together. They grab the clue. They read the clue. They get to the part where it says “first come, first served.”
Garbage Dad and Garbage son sprint for the door ahead. Nukular Dad and little Bully sprint for the door ahead. The Sons-in-Law consider the options, and walk to the door ahead. They claim the last spot in the Centrifuge Shuffle. Now do you see where this is going? Tony Aiello does. He looks like he’s ready to go find Phil right now. And if he did, you might be done reading this summary by now.
Weavers spin around, this time with NASA’s help. They run to the computers and get a message from Phil. Or maybe Jesus, because that familiar “You’ve got mail” was followed by a quick “Oh, thank you, Lord.” They check in and they are all happy and giddy again.
Paolo’s spin around, get the clue, and then squabble about how to find the 363-foot tall luminous white rocket right in front of their faces.The Aiellos complete the challenge, and the editors cut that footage with clips of the Gaghans and Paolos getting lost trying to locate the 363-foot tall luminous white rocket right in front of their faces.
Mom Paolo can’t run. Bully Gaghan can’t run. Carissa leads her team into the computer alcove just as the Paolos leave. The Aiellos finish, get the message from Phil, and begin running for the Pit Stop.
Oh the drama!! Oh the action!! Oh, the bullshit.
The Paolos finish sixth, with no other teams nearby. The Gaghans finish seventh, with no other teams nearby. The Aiello’s finish last, and are eliminated. Yes, that’s a Boston Red Sox hat on one of the Sons-in-Law. Papa Aiello says “They are all good guys and they tried haahd. We’re all family now.
But this - is just a wicked pissah.”
Finally, after wasting nearly an hour, Phil delivers the promo for the next episode. The funny episode. The one I should have traded for…
The one where the already clinically insane Weaver family, left fatherless in a raceway accident, have to go to the Talladega Super Speedway and face their worst fears: Acne, and the hundreds of potential boyfriends who saw them blubber like loons on this show.
And the Godlewskis? They shriek at each other!! ¶ 4:50 AM
by TeamJoisey
Did any one of you spot any random bits of amusement on this episode? Was there a single moment that made you laugh? Smile? Consider putting aside the remote?
No, of course not.
Because this episode, even more so than all the boring TAR episodes that have come before, was a giant suckhole of entertainment. A caterwauling vacuum of mirth. The Linda Lovelace of Laughter, except that Linda Lovelace is currently technically dead, and thus any attempt at cadaver copulation would not produce the same therapeutic respiratory effects commonly associated with Ms. Lovelace’s cinematic exploits. I’ll say this however: This episode sucked more than prime Linda Lovelace and Little Oral Annie, and almost as much as renowned fellatrix Harriet Miers.
Nicely played, if I do say so myself. I’ve included a “sorry I’m boring” disclaimer, provided the obligatory necrophilia for Reasonable Rodent, mentioned the ass-licking Supreme Court nominee and threw in some pornography to boot. And speaking of pornography and ass licking, Miss Louisiana Sweetcheeks did not appear in this episode, which might account for the hideous ratings and my general lack of interest.
There are, of course, many other reasons to watch The Amazing Race Incest Edition. You might witness a guest appearance by Blake and Paige Mycoski, for instance. Perhaps Stasi Schroeder will confess she’s a leather-lovin’ Nazi, or it might be Rolly Weaver’s turn to wear the tight little pink shorts. Bully Gaghan’s repressed sister envy might erupt in sweet, sweet violence. Megan Linz might pull a train. And maybe, just maybe, the Paolo sons will wind up in a landfill.
Yeah, none of that has happened either. Yet. But people did get on a plane, which is a marked improvement in The Amazing Race season as a whole.
Speaking of The Amazing Race, I’m sure you’ve read the previous summaries by our Dark Lord and Master, Landru, and his prime minion, the Reasonable Rodent, Dweeze. You can find links to these works on that little sidebar thing over there on the side. I’ll assure you now; they were funnier.
If you’re pressed for time, here’s a brief recap: 10 families of four, Brooklyn Bridge, lost in NYC, row across the Delaware, drive to Amish country and try to kill mom, say goodbye to the Token family, which was in fact, token. Clearly, tokens can’t swim or paddle. Drive to a big shoe, get lost, drive to Washington, get lost, drive to a Civil War battlefield, fail to get shot, say goodbye to the Rogers family, which was in fact, home to the best ass on the show. And his daughter.
But those, those were the good episodes. Here’s what filled Episode 3, The One Where Nothing Happened.
Phil opens the show at the pit stop: Well-Born Manor, a monument to wealthy white southerners who used to enslave token folks like the Token family. Dey sho' be sorry dey be missin' dis.
The Widow Weaver and family, which Jesus favored with a first-place finish, depart at 2:26 a.m., or shortly before Rolly’s third nocturnal emission. The teams are told to fly to Charleston, South Carolina, and find a gazebo in an area called The Battery.
In previous episodes families were required to drive themselves. Suddenly we have chauffeurs. Perhaps it’s a southern thing, or perhaps producers realize there are planes to catch and they won’t let some bozo direct his son to drive 1600 miles in the wrong direction. And yes, the chauffeurs are token.
The testorone-soaked Linz-innati family departs a minute later, and little sister Megan tells us she’s got to make her macho brothers listen to more than just her orgasms. She commands their attention, and instructs them to drive to Washington-Dole Airport.
Team Shriek departs at 2:29, and they have abandoned the dress-alike motif. This does nothing to distinguish one blonde Godlewski sister from another.
Team Reichstag and the much-feared Stasi depart at 2:35, and stepmom tells us that she’s glad the children think of her as a friend and not the evil stepmom stereotype. She then proceeds to nag young Günter, who rolls his eyes at the evil stepmom biotch creature that’s fucked up his life.
My Three Sons-in-Law roll out at 2:37; Daddy’s Little Girls start at 2:38. That’s six teams inside of 12 minutes. Team Nukular Fambly leaves at 2:43, and Mom and Dad praise their wee moppets for their maturity. They are just like little adults. And it’s true! Right now Bully is caressing Carissa’s crotch.Traffic problems. Uh-huh. That’s new. Two families borrow cell phones from their token drivers and phone ahead for plane tickets.
Team Garbage finally departs at 3:05 a.m. and they quarrel over whether they bicker. Mom declares this The Amazing Race-American Style. By which she means “boring except for the parts where her sons threaten to kill her.”
Arrival at the airport usually means a mad scramble for the best flights. In this episode, we see intense drama over whether teams get to sit on the plane that arrives at 10:04 a.m. … Or the one that arrives at 10:06 a.m. I swear to Landru, we spent 10 frikkin’ minutes on this two-minute gap. The only real drama in the airport was when an insecure novice traveler, the Widow Weaver, went back to the counter to ask some innocuous question about how planes operate, and NaziStasi became paranoid over the Widow Weaver’s furtive master plan to have Jesus rapture the kinfolk down to Charleston on a golden chariot.
Team My Three Sons-in-Law join in the paranoia. They suspect the Weavers have found an earlier flight, and hope the friendly widow will share her secret. As the Weavers walk past, the Aiellos ask if they found a better flight. Unfortunately for all involved, at that very moment the Weavers are communicating with the Lord, and don’t reply to the Aiellos. Intense hatred blooms among the Boston Bozos, who share their feelings with the Louisiana Nazi and her Evil Stepbitch. Sharp claws and declarations of revenge, all because Jesus has Mommy on call waiting.
To punctuate the inanity engulfing this episode, the Widow Weaver directs the late-arriving Garbage Family to a third flight, which arrives at 10:38 a.m., and makes the point that a half-hour is no big deal.
Ho-hum.
Cut to Rolly Weaver and Günter Schroeder sharing a few harmless teen boy moments while waiting in the gate area. This, of course, is a problem for Günter’s bestest pal, the Evil Stepbitch, who doesn’t want Günter to fraternize with the enemy. She shares these thoughts during an extended conversation with one of Team Shriek’s Godlewski sisters. Stepbitch then corrals Günter and tells him to shut his pie hole and no talking with the other teams. He tells Rolly, “She’s a bitch.” Finally, planes fly. Paolos bicker. Paolos complain about the bickering. Paolos gripe about the complaining over the bickering. Paolos grumble over the griping about the complaining over the bickering. We go to commercials, grumbling over ….
The Amazing Race – Lots of Driving Edition is sponsored by BP (British Petroleum) one of the world’s evil money sucking giants, and we are treated to a collection of faux anecdotes with sexual innuendo (Man: My personal record is about four minutes. Wife: That long?) … Take your wife to London, give her diamonds, but watch out for terrists … GMC has a fabulous new Denali, which is sure to be among the prizes somewhere during the race … IBM promises “incredible entertainment experiences in your lap” but offers a merely a computer instead of Miss Louisiana Sweetcheeks Brittany Rogers … Ladies: Use Jerkin’ Lotion and your knees will thank you. … and Staples introduces us to the folks who write the Survivor poetry.
Back to Charleston, and planes are landing. Scramble for cars. Driving. Battery. Gazebo. Clue box. Detour.
Each with its own pros and cons.
Two tasks. Forrest Gump: Squeeze the head off 200 pounds of shrimp.
Muddy Waters: Drive a jeep through an 400-foot course of deep mud.
Widow Weaver chooses mud. Linz-innati choses shrimp. Stasi und das Reichstag chose shrimp because Evil Stepbitch hates dirty laundry. My Three Sons-in-Law are thrilled at the chance to drive in the mud. Team Shriek chooses shrimp.
Das Schroeders begin to pinch the shrimp. Stasi opts to skip the gloves, probably because she likes the feeling when she squeezes their little heads off. Little brother Günter also likes the feeling when he "squeezes the head," and he’s probably thinking about Stasi at that very moment.
Team Nukular Fambly chooses mud, Daddy’s Little Girls chose shrimp. The Weavers arrive at the mud run (“thank you, Lord”), but Jesus won’t let them walk on water, or drive over mud. They get stuck, and get towed out. Repeatedly. The Aiellos begin the mud run, and get stuck just 30 feet from the finish line on their first attempt.
Team Trashcan chooses the shrimp task because Mom is eager to rip off heads with her fingers. Alas, she is referring to shrimp, and not her sons. She means the smelly little creature with no backbone. And yes, that is her husband.
Weavers roll in the mud. Aiellos mud wrassle. Schroeders argue over the proper way to decapitate crustaceans, one of the Linz boys makes out with a shrimp. No, not Günter. The Bransen girls get some sage advice from Dad: “If it’s got a head, squeeze it.” This works for both pimples and prom night.Team Nukular Fambly arrives at the mud run, and the Widow Weaver and her hard-driving kin dismiss the Gaghans as city people who won’t be able to do the task. Weavers and Aiellos get stuck again, and Weavers abandon the mud run and head for the shrimp. No, not Günter.
Stasi und ze rest of her party conclude molesting the shrimp. No, not Günter. They get a clue that directs them to the Charleston Visitor Center, and two magical clipboards. These props determine which mystery charter bus you get to ride all night. One leaves two hours after the first, so this might be important. Probably not.
Linz-innati, Shriek and the Daughters finish abusing the shrimp. No, not Günter. With the Boston Bozos looking on in disbelief, Team Nukular Fambly completes the mud run on the first try. Bully did not sing “Coming Round the Mountain,” but you could feel it in the air.
Families Linz, Schroeder, Godlewski and Bransen fill the first bus. Aiellos continue to spin their wheels in the mud. Are they doomed?
Find out after these brainwashing moments from corporate America…
The first season of The Amazing Race is available on DVD, and damn! It’s a lot better than this version. … Buick promises total value in their high quality cars. HA! … Attention K-Mart shoppers: They think you are country music yahoos. … Aveeno ultra-calming moisturizer for your frenetic wrinkles … Presenting Country Crock mashed potatoes: Now you can buy pre-made leftovers … Local news tease for NYC’s “Wag the Subway” terror threat and how frikkin’ laser beams can stop your smoking habit… In a no doubt hastily assembled ad, Chevy is touting fuel economy … Verizon DSL is better than dialup and cheaper than cable. And slower than shit … Mercedes has been making cars longer than anyone, so they can overcharge, dammit. …
Back to the mud. Aiellos switch drivers, and finally succeed on the 14th attempt. This, I’m sure, will be discussed in great detail on Thanksgiving, because frankly, no one will want to mention the Red Sox.
Second bus: Gaghan, Paolo, Aiello, Weaver. And the Lord sayeth, “Let there be bunch.” Papa Gaghan leads a mock cheer over the four-way tie for last place.
Phil finally reveals the mystery destination as Huntsville Alabama, the rocket capital of the world, which is eight hours away. The first bus arrives, and those teams grab the clue. They head for the U.S. Space and Rocket Center and the Edward O. Buckbee Hangar, where the next clue awaits. It’s easy to locate the space center, identifiable by the large white phallic symbol protruding proudly in the night. No, not Günter.Roadblock
Phil tells us that in this family version, roadblocks will sometimes be performed by two people. In this task, two people ride the centrifuge, which simulates the gravity force created during blastoff. They must endure 3.2Gs.
For those of you who still unclear on the statehood of Pennsylvania and other elementary school knowledge, Phil offers this quick science lesson:
“If you haven’t noticed, gravity is currently pushing on me.”
For the rest of you: “Boredom is currently pushing on me.”
So let’s wrap this thing up. The Bransen Babes are the first to the hanger, and grab tag #1 for the lone centrifuge, which takes several minutes to get up to the right speed, and several more minutes to stop. The Linz family takes tag #2, and then sits to WAIT FOR THE LONE CENTRIFUGE. Can you see where this is going?
Stasi und Herr Schroeder arrive third, and wait with the Linzer Division while the Bransen sisters go in circles. One of the gravitatin’ sisters echoes America’s sentiment during this task when she says, “It’s hard to keep my eyes open.”
Team Shriek arrives at Space Camp, debating whether a hangar is an actual airplane or an airplane storage facility. They claim spot #4 while the Bransen Babes are STILL in the centrifuge.
Daddy’s Little Girls finish the task, and the next clue sends them on a one-mile walk to Rocket Park’s space museum, where they get the chance to shill for America Online. Easy to find, because there is a large white phallic symbol protruding proudly in the night. Oh wait… that’s Günter. No, no… it’s the Saturn V rocket.
The next clue is an email video of Phil, telling them to go outside and run to the Pit Stop mat, which is under the space shuttle exhibit. Linz family collects clue… faux dramatic race to the mat… and the Bransen Babes check in first.And then Phil announces the best prize in the history of reality TV. All licensed drivers on the team receive free gasoline for life. Whenever they pull into a BP or Arco station, they can fill up for free.
Yeah, the folks at BP are cool. Yeah, that oil company sure cares about the average folks. Yeah, that toxic-fume-spewin’ megalith makes me proud to be … uh wait… BRITISH petroleum? Yes, Bransen sisters, every time you need petrol, motor on to London, and they’ll refuel your motorcar, check under your bonnet, and wipe your boot. Cheerio now!
Well, OK, there are 15,000 BP or Arco stations in the United States, so they might find a station back home in Illinois. And yeah, this prize might be worth more than a quarter share of the million dollar first place money.
Consider Lindsay Bransen, age 20. She’ll drive for 40 more years, and with free gas, she’ll drive more than the average person. Figure 25,000 miles a year for 40 years (a million miles) with gas mileage of 20 mph (who needs an economical car?) and a price of 3 dollars a gallon. That’s about $150,000; roughly equivalent to the after-tax share of the “million dollar prize.”
So three cheers for an oil company!!! Hell, go ahead and drill away!!! Hell, go ahead and drill the daughters!!! Oil companies are sooo selfless, sooo considerate. Soooo beneficial to the planet. Oh so, so lovable.
Meanwhile, back in reality, the Linz-innati family jogs to the mat, with a muttered “darn it” so you know the Bransens are still standing there. Second place. You don’t get petrol, but we do have a nice selection of bean dip.
The second charter bus is rolling down the highway, and we are treated to the spectacle of the Widow Weaver’s pustulating daughter complaining about their tough day. Ooh, we got no sleep. Ooh, we had to go in the mud. Ooh, we had to pinch shrimp. Ooh, we are prisoners on a bus. (Shut up and sleep, bitch.) She starts laughing and sobbing and the other folks on the bus quietly move away from the insane passenger. During a rest stop at the Waffle House, slightly less zit-laden younger daughter Rachel says, “I can’t take it, Mommy.”
Mom’s answer: “Then lie… be completely fake.”
Jesus wept.
The UnrealityWeavers exit the Waffle House with enormous fake smiles and dance through the parking lot like drunks who just saw Cirque de Soleil. Those poster boys for mental stability, the Paolos, say the Weavers, “broke down … snapped … like, lost it … they just went nuts.”Thank you Dr. Paolo.
But don’t let Tom Cruise hear you.
AOL says high-speed connections make you more vulnerable to viruses … GMC car assembly robots love soul music … Verizon network provides you with 50,000 stalkers … Kohl’s has women’s clothes and the models look hot. Oh wait, that’s Günter. … Amazon aborigines keep a GPS in their loincloth, thanks to the wonders of Duracell Promos for a new show called Close to Home which no one will watch … and Inigo Montoya’s show that no one will watch because they are all watching Lost … and then CBS’ CSI:NY – the Alphabet Strikes Back … Acura’s invisible car commercial … American Express Gift Cards … Mercedes Benz … local news tease… and we return to find:
The Weavers happily dancing in the parking lot, singing on the bus, and making complete fools of themselves.
Back at Space Camp, Das Schroeders and the Shrieks complete the mission and run for Rocket Park. And yes, one of the Godlewski sisters shrieks, “That was so cool you guys!!!” Schroeders finish third, Godlewski fourth. And they shriek.
The second bus finally arrives, and the other teams throw the Weavers onto the sidewalk. They grab a clue and a car, and ask the Lord for wisdom. The other three teams also drive to space camp.
The Weavers arrive at the centrifuge, and claim spot #5. For those keeping score, the Weavers will finish in fifth place.
The Nukular Fambly, My Three Sons-in-Law and the Garbage Family arrive together. They grab the clue. They read the clue. They get to the part where it says “first come, first served.”
Garbage Dad and Garbage son sprint for the door ahead. Nukular Dad and little Bully sprint for the door ahead. The Sons-in-Law consider the options, and walk to the door ahead. They claim the last spot in the Centrifuge Shuffle. Now do you see where this is going? Tony Aiello does. He looks like he’s ready to go find Phil right now. And if he did, you might be done reading this summary by now.
Weavers spin around, this time with NASA’s help. They run to the computers and get a message from Phil. Or maybe Jesus, because that familiar “You’ve got mail” was followed by a quick “Oh, thank you, Lord.” They check in and they are all happy and giddy again.Paolo’s spin around, get the clue, and then squabble about how to find the 363-foot tall luminous white rocket right in front of their faces.The Aiellos complete the challenge, and the editors cut that footage with clips of the Gaghans and Paolos getting lost trying to locate the 363-foot tall luminous white rocket right in front of their faces.
Mom Paolo can’t run. Bully Gaghan can’t run. Carissa leads her team into the computer alcove just as the Paolos leave. The Aiellos finish, get the message from Phil, and begin running for the Pit Stop.
Oh the drama!! Oh the action!! Oh, the bullshit.
The Paolos finish sixth, with no other teams nearby. The Gaghans finish seventh, with no other teams nearby. The Aiello’s finish last, and are eliminated. Yes, that’s a Boston Red Sox hat on one of the Sons-in-Law. Papa Aiello says “They are all good guys and they tried haahd. We’re all family now.
But this - is just a wicked pissah.”
Finally, after wasting nearly an hour, Phil delivers the promo for the next episode. The funny episode. The one I should have traded for…
The one where the already clinically insane Weaver family, left fatherless in a raceway accident, have to go to the Talladega Super Speedway and face their worst fears: Acne, and the hundreds of potential boyfriends who saw them blubber like loons on this show.
And the Godlewskis? They shriek at each other!! ¶ 4:50 AM
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It's an old comment, it's a cliche comment, but damn. This was better than the show.
And for those of you who scoffed - scoffed, I say - at the fact that I liked the Weavers, let me say this. Any family hated by the She-Wolf of the Bayou can't be all bad.
And brilliant working in of the corpse fucking, losing points only because you pointed out that you worked corpse-fucking in.
And for those of you who scoffed - scoffed, I say - at the fact that I liked the Weavers, let me say this. Any family hated by the She-Wolf of the Bayou can't be all bad.
And brilliant working in of the corpse fucking, losing points only because you pointed out that you worked corpse-fucking in.
No, Dweezil. I do not scoff at the fact that you like the Flanders.
I mock you. I doubt your sanity. Yea, I call into question the very nature of your intellectual being.
These people meet every accepted clinical standard for a stunning variety of mental and emotional disorders. They are stompdown nuts.
Sorry, TJ. This comment should have been devoted entirely to praising your name for doing something funny with that giant steaming turdpile of an episode of this giant steaming turdpile of a show.
You have done a very, very fine job, and my only disappointment is that you missed making a joke about how 3.2G didn't do anything to flatten out Phil's hideous manmaries.
I mock you. I doubt your sanity. Yea, I call into question the very nature of your intellectual being.
These people meet every accepted clinical standard for a stunning variety of mental and emotional disorders. They are stompdown nuts.
Sorry, TJ. This comment should have been devoted entirely to praising your name for doing something funny with that giant steaming turdpile of an episode of this giant steaming turdpile of a show.
You have done a very, very fine job, and my only disappointment is that you missed making a joke about how 3.2G didn't do anything to flatten out Phil's hideous manmaries.
Eh. You worked in the corpse fucking a little too soon for my taste. I like to savor the anticipation of never knowing when the corpse fucking will take place, but you shot your corpse fucking wad in the third paragraph. Still, this summary has got to be that episode's only redeeming feature. Thank you for turning an hour of excruciating crap into something funny.
You know, I understand that the kids are on a reality show and so some people consider them fair game. But I think your comment about the two kids in the car was way over the line and totally inappropriate. How would you feel if those were your kids?
I stopped reading at that point because I was so disgusted, so I don't know if there was more of the same later on. If that's the sort of "humor" that's going to happen at this site and the Survivor one, I won't be recommending them any longer.
I stopped reading at that point because I was so disgusted, so I don't know if there was more of the same later on. If that's the sort of "humor" that's going to happen at this site and the Survivor one, I won't be recommending them any longer.
The kids are on television, are public figures, and are fair game. Their parents put them there. If I were their parents? I wouldn't have put them there.
Do please enjoy your disgust and your self-righteousness. This is a parody site. Come back if you choose, don't come back if you don't choose. If you do, I hope you enjoy the writing that people do for the site. And if you don't? Buh-bye, Corvis.
Do please enjoy your disgust and your self-righteousness. This is a parody site. Come back if you choose, don't come back if you don't choose. If you do, I hope you enjoy the writing that people do for the site. And if you don't? Buh-bye, Corvis.
So their parents put them there and that makes it fair game to write despicable things about them? Just because their parents didn't protect them doesn't make it acceptable. You can cry "self righteous" all you want but it doesn't change the fact that using children in that way is a despicable action.
You asked about the parents, and about how they'd feel. I gave you my opinion on the parental piece.
In direct answer to the question you ask here: yes, I think it's fair game.
Writers on this site (which, you imply, you have until now been recommending), including TJ, have made a running joke of necrophilia. Is that any less despicable, really? Any more unfunny?
Further, is it not despicable that their parents are using them as game-show contestants? You seem to agree, although I could be reading that in a different light from the way you meant it.
Humor is in the eye of the beholder. I think that's where I was going with my "self-righteous" jab. You may feel that was overly personal. For my part, I take slams on this site's writers personally. If that makes me my own brand of self-righteous, I'll live with it.
I'm not defending the joke as particularly funny. But I'm damn sure defending TJ's right to make it. If you choose to take that one joke, regardless of its quality, as exemplar of the entire site and all of Circle Of's collective writings, I can disagree with you, and regret that the site doesn't entertain you, but I can't (and won't) stop you.
I'll be happy to take this up with you further, offline. The site's email address goes to me.
In direct answer to the question you ask here: yes, I think it's fair game.
Writers on this site (which, you imply, you have until now been recommending), including TJ, have made a running joke of necrophilia. Is that any less despicable, really? Any more unfunny?
Further, is it not despicable that their parents are using them as game-show contestants? You seem to agree, although I could be reading that in a different light from the way you meant it.
Humor is in the eye of the beholder. I think that's where I was going with my "self-righteous" jab. You may feel that was overly personal. For my part, I take slams on this site's writers personally. If that makes me my own brand of self-righteous, I'll live with it.
I'm not defending the joke as particularly funny. But I'm damn sure defending TJ's right to make it. If you choose to take that one joke, regardless of its quality, as exemplar of the entire site and all of Circle Of's collective writings, I can disagree with you, and regret that the site doesn't entertain you, but I can't (and won't) stop you.
I'll be happy to take this up with you further, offline. The site's email address goes to me.
Two things:
"(which, you imply, you have until now been recommending)"
Here's a link to where I publicly recommended your Survivor summary site. I have also recommended both sites to people privately.
http://survivorthoughts.blogspot.com/2005/09/ah-funny-stuff.html
"Is that (necrophilia) any less despicable, really?"
Yes, it is far less despicable because we're not talking about children. I believe children need to be protected far more than dead people.
If you want the rest taken to email, that's fine with me.
"(which, you imply, you have until now been recommending)"
Here's a link to where I publicly recommended your Survivor summary site. I have also recommended both sites to people privately.
http://survivorthoughts.blogspot.com/2005/09/ah-funny-stuff.html
"Is that (necrophilia) any less despicable, really?"
Yes, it is far less despicable because we're not talking about children. I believe children need to be protected far more than dead people.
If you want the rest taken to email, that's fine with me.
Excellent work TJ. And how true -- you had so little to work with. I'm particularly pleased because you capped the boy licking (or whatever he was doing to) the shrimp.
Dweeze, there is nothing, I say NOTHING, good about the Weavers. (I refer to them by their actual name because Flanders is much too flattering.) I only hope that they stay around for enough weeks for me to kick the living crap out of them. I'll be looking forward to seeing them at Taledega next time. And geez, Matt. It was the incest edition.
Dweeze, there is nothing, I say NOTHING, good about the Weavers. (I refer to them by their actual name because Flanders is much too flattering.) I only hope that they stay around for enough weeks for me to kick the living crap out of them. I'll be looking forward to seeing them at Taledega next time. And geez, Matt. It was the incest edition.
Bravo. Brah. Vo.
But please, don't ever mention porn and Harriet Miers in the same sentence again. Ever. Again.
But please, don't ever mention porn and Harriet Miers in the same sentence again. Ever. Again.
So let me get this straight. We hate the Weavers because Mama Weaver is none too bright, is an inexperienced traveler, and is religious.
How come I think that last part is probably the main factor? Why do I suspect you'd be giving them a free pass if Mama Weaver had never mentioned God?
They've got a sympathetic story, Mama Weaver has been supportive and loving towards her kids, they haven't made any critical blunders despite her lack of smarts, and they haven't been nasty to or said rude things about other teams.
Yeah, they're scum all right.
How come I think that last part is probably the main factor? Why do I suspect you'd be giving them a free pass if Mama Weaver had never mentioned God?
They've got a sympathetic story, Mama Weaver has been supportive and loving towards her kids, they haven't made any critical blunders despite her lack of smarts, and they haven't been nasty to or said rude things about other teams.
Yeah, they're scum all right.
As you well know, I don't hate anybody, with previously noted sports-related exceptions.
Mama Flanders can be as religious as she wants. It's her constant spew about it on national television that I find offensive and ignorant.
Yes, the religious drivel is a major factor in my dislike for the family. Their fundamental ignorance wouldn't be winning them any prizes with me, even if they didn't find it necessary to thank Jesus every time they successfully defecate.
And their refusal to acknowledge the existence of other teams at the airport was, in fact, rude. There was nothing strategic about it. Worse, it was ignorant-rude; it was the sort of thing done by people who don't want their young folk exposed to any of those darned ideas.
You go on liking them, and we'll go on mocking you for it. I'm not seeing any harm there.
Mama Flanders can be as religious as she wants. It's her constant spew about it on national television that I find offensive and ignorant.
Yes, the religious drivel is a major factor in my dislike for the family. Their fundamental ignorance wouldn't be winning them any prizes with me, even if they didn't find it necessary to thank Jesus every time they successfully defecate.
And their refusal to acknowledge the existence of other teams at the airport was, in fact, rude. There was nothing strategic about it. Worse, it was ignorant-rude; it was the sort of thing done by people who don't want their young folk exposed to any of those darned ideas.
You go on liking them, and we'll go on mocking you for it. I'm not seeing any harm there.
Very nicely done, TJ. I think the Domestic TAR sucks. I think it is a whole tarpit full of suckitude--even a little incest can barely save it! Your summary, on the other hand, was cadaver-humpingly poetic.
Just a request: In the future, please feature dead children being corpse fucked, by their close relatives if possible. Thank you!
I agree with Dweeze. No, not about the Weavers. Do you think I'm insane? About this summary being better than the show. Way better. Thanks TJ!
-SilverStar
-SilverStar
I'm with HD on this one. And may I request that the child corpse fucking be one of the Weavers? Any one will do.
TJ, I think there should be Pulitzers for online summaries. Cuz you deserve one for this. Worst.episode.ever.on.the.worst.season.of.TAR.ever.
TJ, I think there should be Pulitzers for online summaries. Cuz you deserve one for this. Worst.episode.ever.on.the.worst.season.of.TAR.ever.
Did you know that if you a google search for (Rolly Amazing Race zit) this is the very first entry that appears? You must be so proud!
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