Wednesday, November 16, 2005
The Amazing Race, For The Love of All
By Diamond
Actually, I don’t really mean that. Please feel free to hate both the players and the game. But hey, remember back when I wrote a summary for that other show, and I was all, Mark Burnett sucks, Jerry Bruckheimer rooolz, etc.? Yeah, remember that? Well, just forget I ever said it, okay?
By the way, before I get to the actual summarizin’, I should apologize for the atrocious lateness, but in my defense, the show was two hours. That’s like writing two regular summaries, you know. I’m just saying. Also, since there’s no new episode this week, you have a whole extra week to read it, so I don’t want to hear any complaints. At least, not about the lateness. Feel free to complain about anything else. For example, the lack of funny.
Anyway, previously on The Amazing Race, No Seriously, the Family Edition Really Sucks:
Continuing the race aroundthe world North America the U.S. and some token Central American countries, the teams traveled from Panama to Costa Rica. The Weavers were yielded at the Roadblock by the Paolos, and my hatred for them rose to a whole new level after they did something unspeakably offensive while standing on the Yield mat – they made me feel bad for the Paolos. That is something I simply WILL NOT STAND FOR. At the Detour, the Paolos hauled bananas, while the rest of the field hauled inflatable “relics” in one of the hokiest, fakiest tasks we’ve seen in a long time.
In the end, an elusive red coffee bean spelled doom for the Gaghans. I felt extraordinarily conflicted upon seeing them eliminated instead of the next-to-last-place Weavers. As a fan and viewer, this was clearly not the desired outcome, both because the Gaghans had grown increasingly likable, and because the Weavers seriously need to get off my TV. However, knowing as I did that I would be writing the next summary (this one here), I knew I’d have much better material with the Weavers still present. Either way, it would have been bittersweet. *sigh*
On to this week’s show. Who will be eliminated….next?
Commercials. Oh, I’m not doing the commercials this time. Not because I have anything against summarizing commercials, but because I fell asleep on the night the show originally aired, and didn’t wake up till after it was over. Which means, for those following along at home, that I watched the show only on tape, and when I do that, there’s no way I’m watching the commercials, especially not when the friggin’ episode is two hours long, and this summary is hella late as it is.
We rejoin the teams as they take off from the Pit Stop in Costa Rica. Phil is there too, wearing a hideous peachy-orangey colored shirt that really accentuates the manmaries. I don’t know if it’s that particular color or if he’s just let himself go, but man, I’m getting a little jealous. Anyway, the Fighting Paolos take off first, bound for a beach called Playa Maracas, where they will have to swim to a buoy to retrieve the next clue. Mama Paolo says she isn’t feeling so good physically, and it’s affecting her mentally. I didn’t realize it was possible for her to go any lower. What? I’m just saying.
Next off are the Dimz. One of the Dimz boys (don’t ask me to identify which one; they’re pretty much all blandly interchangeable as far as I’m concerned) says the race has been a learning experience, but he says he’d rather not have learning experiences, he’d rather be first. And while I normally would be quick to mock such a down-with-learning stance, the fact is, this is a race. Being first is the object here. So I will reluctantly have to praise his entirely appropriate perspective. (Sorry. I’ll try not to let it happen again.)
Leaving third are the Bransens. One of the Bransen girls (as with the Dimz, I have no idea who’s who or what any of their names are) says she wants her dad to step back and let everyone have an equal opportunity to do stuff. He promptly says he’ll do the swim, to which all of the girls respond, “Are you sure….?” It’s quite funny – they all totally know his creaky body has no business swimming, especially not with three very athletic-looking daughters right there. But of course, the girls complain to the camera that they want to participate, and, hopefully, don’t want their dad to drown, but they don’t actually say anything to him when it matters. Way to stand up for yourselves, girls. God, these people are boring.
The Paolos arrive at the beach and decide that Papa Paolo should swim, because, apparently, he’s the strongest. Never mind that physical strength and swimming ability have very little to do with each other, but whatever. I’m sure that won’t matter. The Dimz arrive soon after Papa Paolo, and one of the Dimz boys takes the swim. Say what you will about the Dimz, but physically unattractive they are not. Papa Paolo makes it out to the buoy, but apparently can’t make it back without drowning. DJ helpfully yells from shore, “Dad, don’t drown!” Because, clearly, it’s a matter of choice. He just doesn’t want to stay afloat badly enough. Anyway, unfortunately for us, Bruckheimer has a boat full of rescuers at the ready who help Papa Paolo not drown. Gah, these reality TV producers, they’re all alike. We get previews promising tragedy, and they NEVER follow through. It’s quite disappointing. Nick finishes his swim, and the Dimz get their clue, which tells them to go to the town of Grecia, and to find La Iglesia de Metal, which is, presumably, a metal church, I guess. I don’t know. Don’t really care either. The Bransens and then the Paolos also get their clues. All three teams get taxis and take off. Interestingly, Phil says it’s sixty miles, while one taxi driver says is two and a half hours. Those must be some slow roads.
Back at the Pit Stop, the Pinkeyes are departing. One of them talks about how they have problems and they know they argue, but at least they’re aware of it. One of them (as distinguished from the “that one” and the “other one” and the other “other one”) takes the swim with little fanfare and gets the clue.
Election 2005 update: A banner at the bottom of my TV tells me that CBS4 is projecting that Tom Menino has won his fourth term as Boston mayor, with 64% of the vote, while Maura Hennigan has 35%. In the Salem mayor’s race, Kim Driscoll has defeated Kevin Harvey.
Last to leave the Pit Stop are the thoroughly loathsome Weavers. In wardrobe this week, the skunk-haired daughter has chosen to wear the pink hotpants. Can I talk about the hotpants for a moment? It isn’t bad enough that the Weavers have to be offensive with respect to the things they say, they also apparently have to do everything they can to offend my aesthetic sensibilities. I’m sorry, but people who don’t have perfect bodies should not be wearing hotpants. I’m not saying she’s fat. Hell, she may be thinner than I am. But also, I don’t wear hotpants. See how that works? And furthermore, I don’t care if you’re Miss Louisiana Assfuck – hotpants simply are not the slightest bit practical for this show, no matter what kind of body you have. So I am both offended and annoyed by the hotpants, and they need to get off my TV. As does the skunk hair. Yuck.
Skunk-hair says it’s better to be hated for you are, than loved for who you’re not. They’re being themselves, and they’re being hated for who they are. By which she means, Christian, rather than jerks. This is always my favorite part of the Christian experience – the persecution complex. *sigh* She goes on to say that they don’t want to be “buddy-buddy friends.” No! They’re competitors! They want to win! Because it’s impossible to be friendly competitors while still trying to win. Just ask every single one of the other teams.
Rolly takes the swim for the Weavers. From shore, Mama Weaver treats us to one of her trademarked prayers for God to keep Rolly safe. Which, okay, I guess if you’re going to pray about something, keeping your child safe is something I’ll allow. It won’t, however, stop me from offering up a prayer of my own:
Dear Jesus, please watch over this show and keep the viewers safe from the urge to scratch out their own eyeballs by throwing many and varied obstacles in the Weavers’ path so that they get eliminated. Amen.
Rolly finishes the swim without incident and gets the clue, while the Pinkeyes get a taxi. The Weavers get their taxi and ask the driver his name. He is Arnold. To which the Weavers respond with a loud, obnoxious, Arnold cheer. Arnold continues driving, trying to ignore them as best he can, all the while with a look of terror on his face all, “Dear Lord, what did I do to deserve this?”
The Dimz, the Paolos, and the Bransens arrive at the church to get the next clue, and proving that nothing is too tacky for Jerry Bruckheimer, they’re arriving right in the middle of a funeral. Seriously. The clue leads to this leg’s Detour: Brush or Barrel. In Brush, they have to paint a couple of cart wheels (that would be the wheels of a cart, not a gymnastics move) in a particular pattern. When they’re done, they’ll get the next clue from the artisan there. In Barrel, they have to go to a sugarcane plantation and load a ton of sugarcane onto a truck, transport it six miles, then find a clue stuck in a rum barrel.
The Paolos choose Barrel, despite the fact that past experience has shown that Papa Paolo is really the only one with any appreciable physical strength. Mama Paolo says she’s going to have more muscles than she has brains in her head when she’s done with the race. Which…doesn’t seem that outrageous a statement, given that it’s not hard to have more than none. Dimz choose Barrel. Bransens choose Brush.
Driving toward the church, the Pinkeyes proclaim Costa Rica beautiful, and a perfect place where one might spend a honeymoon. Except not now, because they’re with the sisters, so it’s no time for romance. I should hope not. That’s really not something I need to think about. Although I suspect it would involve a lot of screeching. In the Weaver taxi, Arnold remains stone-faced as the family yells, “Go, Arnold, go!” I remain awed at his amazing level of self-restraint. I would have had a hard time keeping myself from willingly driving into a tree.
The Dimz and the Paolos arrive at the rum plantation and start loading sugarcane. The Bransens taxi driver doesn’t know where she’s going. Oh no, will they be left driving aimlessly around the streets of Costa Rica forever, reduced to street urchins who must sell their bodies for food (daughters only)? The answer to this thrilling cliffhanger will come after the commercials, which I am not summarizing.
And…we’re back. The Bransens are still lost. The Dimz and Paolos are still loading. The Pinkeyes make it to the metal church, where the funeral has apparently ended. They choose painting. The Bransens finally arrive at the Detour site. Wow, I was worried for a minute that they wouldn’t make it. The Weavers find the church and choose painting.
Over at the plantation, the Dimz and the Paolos are still loading. Proving that, if there is indeed a god, he certainly has a sense of humor, DJ Paolo gets whacked in the face by a stalk of sugarcane. The Dimz finish and climb in their truck for the ride over to the rum factory. One of the boys informs us that he has sugarcane up his butt. Pleasant. At least his farts will smell sweet, I guess.
Bransens painting. Pinkeyes painting. Dimz riding. Paolos riding. Papa Paolo singing some song that I’m sure is not Costa Rican. DJ Paolo saying, “Am I in hell?” And you know, when my mother tries to sing, we don’t exactly welcome it, but we also don’t say we’re in hell. So shut up, DJ Paolo. Weavers painting.
The Dimz arrive at the rum factory and find the barrels with the clues, but can’t quite figure out where the clues are. They just start banging on the barrels from various angles, and for some reason the thing that pops into my head is that they remind me of cavemen. Not sure where that came from, but I’m going with it. Eventually they do figure out that the clue is attached to the cork in the side of the barrel. Megan says they are not smart. But hey, at least they’re perceptive, so there’s that.
The clue tells them to fly to Phoenix, Arizona, and then drive to a go-cart racetrack. Wow, another racetrack? Man, that Jerry Bruckheimer is one sadistic motherfucker. Which is why we love him so (well, why we love him, apart from the fact that we hate him because he has very nearly destroyed this show with this stupid family edition). The Dimz take off for the airport. Back at the plantation, the Paolos find the clue and take off as well, but not before Mama Paolo yells, “What the hell are we going to Phoenix, Arizona for? I wanna go to New Zealand!” And again I’m conflicted. On the one hand, I agree with what her general sentiment seems to be, that the destinations this season are a bit lacking (just a little). Nothing against Phoenix (it is, after all, the home of our lovely Wheezy), but I’m sure I speak for most of us when I say we liked it better when it was a race around the actual world. On the other hand, it is Mama Paolo, and I’m reluctant to give anyone from that family credit for anything, so I’ll just say, you’re lucky you’re getting to go anywhere at all on someone else’s dime, so you’ll go to Phoenix, and you’ll like it.
Bransens finish painting, get their clue, and take off. Weavers finish, and Mama Weaver asks the artisan if they’re good, except she calls him “Mr. Artesian,” because…she thinks he’s a well, I guess. Or she doesn’t know how to read, and/or doesn’t know the meaning of either the words “artisan” or “artesian.” Did you know she’s a teacher? Boy do I feel sorry for the kids she teaches.
The Dimz arrive at the airport and decide, for some unknown reason, that Delta is the best airline. Something about flying through Atlanta. I don’t know. They find a flight that arrives at 9:35 in the morning and buy tickets, making no attempt to even investigate any other flights. They tell the Paolos about the flight, but it’s too late, and the ticket agents won’t let them on for security reasons. To which the Paolos respond by calling them morons. Yes, the refusal to violate, at best, their company’s policy, and at worst, the law, means they are morons. As assessed by the Paolos. Who didn’t even bother checking on flights on their own at all. Charming. The Dimz take off on the flight to Atlanta.
The Weavers show up at the airport, and upon seeing the Paolos, Skunk-hair starts flailing around like a lunatic and shouting, “The Cleavers! The Cleavers! The Cleavers!” Now, I am all for giving humorous nicknames to people, and I won’t even go so far as to mandate that they have to make sense, but COME ON. How can you come up with a nickname like the Cleavers, and not give it to the Bransens? I mean, hello? Wally and the Beavers? Way to swing and miss, Weavers. If it were anyone else, I’d suggest that maybe they were going for irony, what with the fact that the Paolos are nothing at like the “real” Cleavers, but I think we all know that there’s no way the Weavers are smart enough to understand the concept.
Anyway, the Paolos eventually find their way to another airline, where they find a flight that gets into Phoenix at 9:20 in the morning. The Bransens and Weavers get on the same flight. The Paolos are much chagrinned about the presence of the Weavers. DJ Paolo then says, “Ever hear of ‘don’t mess with a good thing’? Right now we’re a good thing.” It seems like it’s in response to finding out the Weavers are on their flight, but it doesn’t entirely make sense, and the editing cuts are weird, so I don’t think it really is, but the reason why I’m reproducing it here is just because I want to get in younger brother Brian’s response, which is, “Then we should mess with you, because you’re a bad thing.” Ha! Brian is totally adopted.
At the Detour, the Pinkeyes finally finish painting.
Back at the airport, in a hilarious scene, the Weavers corner DJ Paolo and demand to know why his family yielded them. He looks like a deer caught in the headlights of a car full of psychos. Mama Weaver takes charge and looks like she's thisclose to throttling him.
They are totally scandalized when he tells them it was because they were simply trying to knock a team out decisively. Which, while it may or may not be true (it sure seemed like it was personal at the time, but it was probably some of both), is a perfectly valid reason for yielding someone. If your goal is simply to not come in last, the best strategy is to yield the team that is farthest back, to try to make them last by as wide a margin as possible. And in any case, the yield is PART OF THE GAME. There is nothing wrong with using it. It’s not dishonest, it’s not un-Christian, and it doesn’t make anyone who uses it a bad person. Mama Weaver doesn’t accept this, saying they’ve always been nice to him. Hmmm. I guess making fun of his father’s job and calling his brother a retard doesn’t count. Now, I’m not Christian, but I’m pretty sure lying is something that’s frowned upon. Anyway, Mama Weaver gets the last word in by threatening to yield the Paolos at some hypothetical future point, and it’s gross, because she calls him “Sweets,” and looks like a total serial killer.
The Pinkeyes get to the airport and get tickets on the flight that lands at 9:20. Or so they think. When they get into New York, the find out that they didn’t actually get reservations on the New York to Phoenix leg. It’s all gloom-and-doom, but they find out that there’s a flight to Phoenix out of Newark, so they hop in a cab over there, where they do indeed get on the flight.
Amazingly, they get to Phoenix first, where one sister proclaims it “hotter than snot.” Is snot hot? I didn’t know. Based on counting the marked cars at the airport, they figure out that they are first, to which one sister says, “We are smart women.” Well, no, not so much. I’d venture to say that you were actually quite stupid, because you didn’t check to make sure you actually had confirmed tickets all the way through when you first made your flight reservations. If you hadn’t been extremely lucky to not only find the flight through Newark, but also have time to get over there, you’d probably be hours behind everyone else.
The Bransens, the Weavers, and the Dimz land and find their cars, while the Paolos roam around the parking lot aimlessly, fighting, as they do. Aw, I missed the fighting. *eyeroll* It’s just so precious when a mother is prompted to yell at her son that she hopes he never gets married, because no woman would ever put up with his nonsense. And she’s basically right, but also, if the parents hadn’t put up with it his entire life, he’d be a much nicer person now. I’m just saying.
The Pinkeyes arrive at the speedway, where they get the clue for the Roadblock, which is 50 laps around the speedway in a “supercart.” Is that the same as a go-cart? I have no idea. Whatever. The one with the short hair takes it. Wally takes it for the Bransens. And then…the Weavers arrive. Mama Weaver takes the wheel. When she goes to get the information for the task, as well as her jacket and helmet, she practically orders the guy to be compassionate towards her. I do understand why this is difficult for them, and I’m sympathetic, but I don’t get any sense that the guy was about to be a jerk or anything, and seriously, using that tone is just rude. I hate these people.
The race itself is uneventful. There’s a minor fake-out where we’re led to believe the Dimz boy maybe is going to cause a crash with Mama Weaver, but as usual, nothing happens. On the sidelines, one of the Pinkeyes tries to give some seemingly-genuine support to Skunk-hair, who then tells the camera how much she hates the Pinkeyes, because they’re annoying, and they lie. Annoying I’ll grant, but they don’t seem like bad people, and I’m not sure what they’ve ever lied about, so whatever. I just don’t get this family. They bitch about everyone hating them, but then when people actually try to be nice, they get pissed off about that too. I hate these people.
The Pinkeyes finish the Roadblock first and get the clue for the Pit Stop, Fort McDowell, home to the Yavapai Nation, which totally sounds like “Yabba-Pie,” which makes me want to watch the Flintstones and eat pie.
Election 2005 update: Tim Murray has defeated Konstantina Lukes for Worcester mayor. In the Boston mayor’s race, Tom Menino now has 67% of the vote, while Maura Hennigan has 32%.
The Bransens finish the Roadblock in second, followed by the Weavers in third and the Dimz in fourth. In the Weaver car, Rolly and Skunk-hair sarcastically bitch about the Dimz boy, “a 20 year-old guy,” celebrating because he passed Mama Weaver, “a 46 year-old woman,” on the track. Yes, because god forbid anyone should celebrate about passing someone else in a race. It wasn’t a fistfight, it was A RACE. Just like this whole entire show is A RACE. Will they be allowed to celebrate when they beat your asses and win the million dollars? Is that okay with you? To top everything off, they immediately pass a garbage truck and take the opportunity to make fun of the Paolos again, some more. God, I hate these people.
The Bransens are majorly lost, so they stop at a hotel to ask directions. They get directions to the Fort McDowell Casino, but they’re not sure it’s the same place. The Beavers, however, don’t want to stick around and find out, and they rush back to the car, causing Wally to have the minor hissy-fit we saw in the previews. There’s not much more than we saw, and it’s really quite boring. Much like this family in general. *snore*
Back at the speedway, the Paolos finally finish the Roadblock, while the Pinkeyes, the Weavers, and the Dimz are already arriving at the Pit Stop. The Pinkeyes are first, winning a vacation to Belize. The Weavers are second, followed by the Dimz. When the Dimz check in, Phil busts on the youngest Dimz (who did the Roadblock), saying, “Have you got a license?” Oh, snap! Or not. Phil is not really the king of snark, I don’t think. But perhaps I shouldn’t talk. Let’s just move on.
Driving up to the Pit Stop, the Paolos think they are last, not realizing how lost the Bransens were. Despite the fact that they know enough to count the cars at the Pit Stop, they don’t know enough to actually know how many there should be. So they still think they are last, and it leads to one of the most horrifying scenes in reality TV history – the Paolos putting their giant granny-panties and tighty-whities on over their clothes, making them look like a bunch of escaped mental patients, and making everyone watching the show collectively drain the country’s bleach supply in an attempt to scrub the images from their brains. The Paolos realize they are not last when the Bransens show up, but they are able to run to the Pit Stop, clad in their unmentionables, and check in as the fourth team.
Interestingly, the Bransens run up while the Paolos are still on the mat, and the Paolos yell at them to go back and put all their clothes on before they check in. Most likely, they’re just doing it to be nice (weirdly, they do seem to be able to be nice to outsiders, just not to each other), but if you think about it, this actually is a brilliant move (or, I should say, would be a brilliant move in the hands of people who I could give credit to for being capable of being brilliant, which is to say, not the Paolos). If the Bransens check in right then, with no extra clothes, they may be unhappy and uncomfortable for the rest of the race, but I doubt it would do much to their racing capabilities, except possibly to make them faster, since they wouldn’t have much to carry. However, by encouraging them to go back to their car to put on clothes, they’re making them check in later, meaning that they will be leaving that much later for the next leg. Of course, I’m sure the Paolos didn’t actually put that much thought into it, but it’s interesting (to me, anyway) nonetheless. In any case, the Bransens go back, and, through tears, put on the extra clothes, including the seemingly obligatory underwear-on-the-outside. They still look ridiculous, thought not nearly as horrifying as the Paolos. Oh, and they’re not eliminated.
Can I just say how much I hate this non-elimination penalty? What is the point of taking away their possessions? I mean, I guess, like I said above, it’s to make them unhappy and uncomfortable, and stress them out. Which I guess leads to better TV? However, now that the teams know about the rule, it ends up effectively meaning “take away their backpacks and their toiletries, because they’ve figured out how to keep all their clothes." I don’t know. I just think it’s really stupid. And I hate the taking away of their money as well, because it’s just so obnoxious to have them begging, especially when it happens in poor countries. I don’t mind the idea of not giving them any new money, because that would actually have strategic implications – it would give them an incentive to conserve money on the regular legs. As it is now, there’s some incentive, but it would be that much more important if they could actually keep what they’d saved if they’re last in a non-elim leg. Just my opinion.
Twelve hours later, we lead off with sweeping shots of the gorgeous Arizona scenery, as well as a shot of Phil, who, while not nearly so gorgeous, is at least thankfully wearing a better shirt.
First to depart are the Pinkeyes. The clue tells them to drive to Fighter Combat International at Gateway Airport in Mesa, Arizona. Next off are the Weavers. Skunk-hair (boy, she talks a lot, doesn’t she?) says the other people don’t like them because they’re different. And she’s right. They are disliked because they’re different. Except she thinks “different” means “Christian,” when in fact it means “rude,” “obnoxious,” “hypocritical,” “immature,” “assholish,” “holier-than-thou,” “arrogant,” “screechy,” “standoffish,” and “annoying.”
The Dimz leave next in a hail of clichés, followed by the Paolos and then the Bransens. The Bransens head to the casino to beg. Determined to live up to the name Wally and the Beavers, Dad pimps out his young, nubile daughters while hanging back creepily in the shadows. Unsurprisingly, the begging nets them enough cash, and they are on their way.
At the airport, teams pull numbered tags to determine the order for the next day’s task. The Weavers, unfortunately, get #1. The Dimz get #2. One of the Dimz boys asks the Weavers how they got there so fast, and one of them says, “We’re smart.” To which the Dimz boy responds, under his breath, “No.” Ha! I think I love him just a little bit. The Pinkeyes arrive next, getting #3, followed by the Paolos, who get #4, and the Bransens, pulling in last.
In the morning, they get their clues for the Roadblock, which involves taking the controls and performing a full 360 degree loop in a fighter plane. I hate this Roadblock – it’s just like the one with the centrifuge – they’re pretty much guaranteed to finish in the exact order that they start in, so what’s the point (I mean, other than to show a bunch of fancy aerial maneuvers)?
The first three take off at the same time, and the Dimz boys call their sister “Air Biscuit.” Is that as gross as I think it is? Anyway, before doing the loops, the planes all do a bunch of various twists and turns and flips and whatnot, and it looks totally unsafe to my untrained eye, but what do I know. All three perform their loops successfully. One of the Dimz boys starts teasing Brian Paolo about pulling on the joystick between his legs. Aw, dude, shut up. Leave Brian alone. He’s the only sane one in that family. It’s not like he doesn’t have enough shit to deal with. Before taking off, Brian and one of the Beavers share hug, and it’s both cute and weird. The first three teams land and get their clues, which direct them to the Grand Canyon.
Election 2005 update: John Hanlon has narrowly defeated David Ragucci for Everett mayor, Michael Sullivan has defeated Marcos Devers for Lawrence mayor, and James Harrington has defeated Jass (yes, Jass) Stewart for Brockton mayor.
Back at the roadblock, both Brian and the Beaver girl manage to screw up the loop and have to do it twice. The Paolos and the Bransens take off for the Grand Canyon.
In the Pinkeye car, the sisters express puzzlement as they pull up next to the Weavers, and the Weavers throw garbage out the window at them. Classy! As they pull up to the entrance to the Grand Canyon lookout, the get the idea that it would be hilarious to tell the park ranger guy to try to delay the Dimz (who are behind them) by telling them all about the history of the Grand Canyon, even if they say they don’t want to hear it. So, let me get this straight. In the Weavers’ universe, using the Yield, which is completely within the rules of the race, is a cardinal sin, but pulling shit like this and lying is okay? What.the.fuck.ever. Mind you, I don’t have a problem with what they did (except with respect to the fact that it’s totally stupid and unlikely to work, and not brilliant and hilarious they way they think it is), but I fucking hate hypocrites. Especially stupid ones. Not surprisingly, the park ranger guys totally knows what idiots the Weavers are, and rather than trying to give the Dimz history, gives up the Weavers for all the smack they were talking. Heh.
The Weavers make it to the Grand Canyon clue first, which tells them to drive to Page, Arizona. Unfortunately, none of them falls into the canyon. They are pulling their car out as the Dimz are pulling in, which prompts Skunk-hair to say that they play dirty. They do? Have we ever seen them do anything dirty? If they did, I don’t remember it. And again, do I have to remind them who it was up there trying to get the park ranger guy to delay another team? Aaauuuugggghhhh! I fucking hate these fucking hypocritical fucks.
DJ Paolo is really excited to see “the largest pothole in the world.” First of all, shut up, DJ. Second, the Grand Canyon is not a pothole. And right here I was about to geek out and give you an explanation of how potholes are formed, versus how the Grand Canyon was formed, and how they’re not the same at all, but I don’t have the energy, and it’s not actually funny, and this summary is way late already, so let’s just move on, shall we?
The teams are now on their way to Glen Canyon Dam, where they have to choose a tour guide to take them up across the dam. The guides are all lined up, and it feels just like an elementary school kickball game, and I start feeling really bad for the guides who don’t get picked first. Up on top of the dam, they get their next clue, which reveals the Detour, a choice of Bailing or Bearing. In Bearing, the have to use a compass to find a bunch of cards located around the water. In Bailing, they have to bail out a submerged boat and then carry it up onto the shore. Dimz and Pinkeyes choose bailing. On their way off the dam, the Weavers are coming in, and they try to high-five the Dimz, who flatly ignore them. One of the daughters wonders why the Dimz are so rude to them. Hmmm, yes, I wonder why? They then call the Pinkeyes “so rude.” For what? All it looks like is that they didn’t say anything at all when they walked by. Which…isn’t that what the Weavers did back at the airport a few episodes back, when one of the other teams asked them a direct questions? OHMYGOD will someone please just kill this family now? Please? I don’t know if I can take this much longer. Anyway, Weavers choose Bearing.
Out on the water, the Pinkeyes remark on the beauty of the…what is this, anyway? A gorge? A canyon? Anyway, it’s gorgeous. (Ha! Maybe it's a gorgeous gorge!) She also says it’s something you’d never do (on your own, presumably). But, why wouldn’t you do it on your own? I don’t get that. Whatever. A Dimz boy sees the Weavers go for the Bearing Detour, which prompts him to point out how the Dimz are going for the “more challenging” Detour. And maybe you might want to get over yourself there, buddy-boy. Things can be challenging in different ways. Not that I am giving the Weavers credit for successfully doing anything challenging, but I personally would have a harder time with Bearing, since I don’t know how to read a compass.
The Dimz locate the submerged boats, leading one brother to stand and Leonardo DiCaprio, “I’m king of the canyon!” I’m having a hard time deciding if this is lame or funny. I think I’m going with lame. Sorry, Dimz boy, try again. They get out and start bailing, using plastic containers and a small pump. The Pinkeyes are right behind them, and one sister helpfully gives instructions to another, telling her to “put it between your legs and pump.” Hey, hey, hey! I thought we weren’t going to have any of that here with just the sisters! Save it for the honeymoon!
The Dimz get enough water out of their boat to make it light enough to lift up and tip out the rest. They carry it up the shore and get their clue, which tells them to drive to Lake Powell, Arizona, where they’ll have to get in a motorboat and search the lake for the Pit Stop, which is a houseboat.
Waaaay back at the dam, the Bransens get the clue and decide to Bail. The Weavers find all their cards and get the Pit Stop clue. The Pinkeyes finish bailing and get their clue as well. The Paolos, after getting lost, finally find the dam as the Dimz, the Weavers, and the Pinkeyes are already on the road to the Pit Stop. The Weavers are unsure of where they’re going, so they stop to get directions. An unsuspecting motorist offers to let them follow him. Mama Weaver prays to God, asking to be led to the Pit Stop.
Please God, let the Weavers get lost and fall behind all the other teams, and get eliminated, if it is your will. Amen.
Bransens finish bailing. Paolos start. Presumably influenced by the stress of knowing they are in last place, they start to fight with an intensity not seen since the first few episodes. So lovely, these people. DJ tells his mother he could drown her and no one would ever find her body here. No one except for all the cameramen filming them. But otherwise he has a point. And then, because apparently he has to go out in a real blaze of non-glory, he has a near-complete meltdown over whether or not they can carry the boat instead of dragging it. This is really getting painful to watch. Someone just put this team out of its misery already. Hey, here’s an idea - is there any chance we could eliminate both the Weavers and the Paolos? That would be awesome. Bruck? Could you do me just this one favor? Please? The Paolos finally, mercifully finish the task, and we can thankfully get a breather and move to another team for a bit.
The Dimz get to Lake Powell first, but fail to read the clue and don’t go to the right place. Eventually, they figure it out and find the boats, but the Pinkeyes are now right on their tails. On the lake, the Pinkeyes eventually pass the Dimz because their boat, having much less weight, can go much faster. They make it to the Pit Stop first, and are greeted by a kid who looks like he could totally be Phil’s son. Phil tells them they’ve won a travel trailer. They celebrate politely, as if he’d just given them socks for Christmas. The Dimz come in second. Phil kind of busts on them again for falling behind, and one of the boys says, with a suggestive, slightly leering look, that maybe the Pinkeyes will share their prizes after the race. Does it strike anyone else as weird that the Dimz boys (or at least one of them – I can’t ever tell who says what) are lusting after the Pinkeyes (remember, they did it back in the first episode), rather than the Bransen girls? I mean, the Bransen girls would seem more likely, wouldn’t they, given that they’re much closer in age to the Dimz? And also, by my own estimation, they’re generally hotter. Is it maybe because their father is there? Or that they’re just extremely dull? It’s certainly one of life’s great mysteries.
The Weavers make it to the Pit Stop next. Phil notes that they don’t seem too happy, to which they respond that it’s hard, because they’re all alone. Because the others are all classless, says the blonde daughter. And because the Weavers are the only team that doesn’t curse, and the only team trying to live a Christian life. Oh. My. God. Where to start with this one? Firstly, she seems to be saying cursing is the main thing that defines whether one is living a Christian life. Nothing about being a good person. Just cursing. Well fuck that. I don’t want to be a fucking Christian if it fucking means I can’t fucking curse. And then. AND THEN. The only team trying to live a Christian life? Is she fucking kidding? As I said above, I’m not even Christian, and I can’t tell you how offensive this is to me. The level of arrogance it takes to make a statement like that is simply astounding. I’d bet good money that most, if not all of the other teams are Christian, and I’m sure they’d be happy to know that the Weavers have declared them un-Christian. God. WILL SOMEONE PLEASE GET THESE FUCKING PEOPLE OFF MY FUCKING TV?
In any case, they’ve checked in, so they’re thankfully off my TV for the remainder of this summary. I was very close to having an aneurysm there.
The Bransens find the lake and get in their boat. The Paolos get in theirs. Bransens. Paolos. The editing tries to make it look like they’re close, but I don’t really think they are. The Bransens check in fourth, leaving the Paolos to fight one last time in their boat before checking in, last, and getting eliminated. Mama Paolo tries to blow off the fighting as what keeps them together, or something, but enough already. Go away.
Next time on the Amazing Race: One of the Pinkeyes takes a tumble while rappelling down the side of a cliff. I think it’s supposed to be dramatic, but she only fell on her butt a little, not down the entire cliff, and besides, long ago and far away, I summarized the episode of this show where Flo had her meltdown while rappelling, and there’s no way they could top that, so lets just agree that it will be lame and move on. And a Dimz brother face-plants into a pool while wearing skis.
My thanks and everlasting love to TeamJoisey for the fantastic graphics. My thanks and everlasting love to everyone else, for, well, just being you. ¶ 12:07 AM
That is Good and Holy, Please Bring Back
the Regular Edition
Episode 7: “Don’t Hate the Players, Hate the Game”By Diamond
Actually, I don’t really mean that. Please feel free to hate both the players and the game. But hey, remember back when I wrote a summary for that other show, and I was all, Mark Burnett sucks, Jerry Bruckheimer rooolz, etc.? Yeah, remember that? Well, just forget I ever said it, okay?
By the way, before I get to the actual summarizin’, I should apologize for the atrocious lateness, but in my defense, the show was two hours. That’s like writing two regular summaries, you know. I’m just saying. Also, since there’s no new episode this week, you have a whole extra week to read it, so I don’t want to hear any complaints. At least, not about the lateness. Feel free to complain about anything else. For example, the lack of funny.
Anyway, previously on The Amazing Race, No Seriously, the Family Edition Really Sucks:
Continuing the race around
In the end, an elusive red coffee bean spelled doom for the Gaghans. I felt extraordinarily conflicted upon seeing them eliminated instead of the next-to-last-place Weavers. As a fan and viewer, this was clearly not the desired outcome, both because the Gaghans had grown increasingly likable, and because the Weavers seriously need to get off my TV. However, knowing as I did that I would be writing the next summary (this one here), I knew I’d have much better material with the Weavers still present. Either way, it would have been bittersweet. *sigh*
On to this week’s show. Who will be eliminated….next?
Commercials. Oh, I’m not doing the commercials this time. Not because I have anything against summarizing commercials, but because I fell asleep on the night the show originally aired, and didn’t wake up till after it was over. Which means, for those following along at home, that I watched the show only on tape, and when I do that, there’s no way I’m watching the commercials, especially not when the friggin’ episode is two hours long, and this summary is hella late as it is.
We rejoin the teams as they take off from the Pit Stop in Costa Rica. Phil is there too, wearing a hideous peachy-orangey colored shirt that really accentuates the manmaries. I don’t know if it’s that particular color or if he’s just let himself go, but man, I’m getting a little jealous. Anyway, the Fighting Paolos take off first, bound for a beach called Playa Maracas, where they will have to swim to a buoy to retrieve the next clue. Mama Paolo says she isn’t feeling so good physically, and it’s affecting her mentally. I didn’t realize it was possible for her to go any lower. What? I’m just saying.
Next off are the Dimz. One of the Dimz boys (don’t ask me to identify which one; they’re pretty much all blandly interchangeable as far as I’m concerned) says the race has been a learning experience, but he says he’d rather not have learning experiences, he’d rather be first. And while I normally would be quick to mock such a down-with-learning stance, the fact is, this is a race. Being first is the object here. So I will reluctantly have to praise his entirely appropriate perspective. (Sorry. I’ll try not to let it happen again.)
Leaving third are the Bransens. One of the Bransen girls (as with the Dimz, I have no idea who’s who or what any of their names are) says she wants her dad to step back and let everyone have an equal opportunity to do stuff. He promptly says he’ll do the swim, to which all of the girls respond, “Are you sure….?” It’s quite funny – they all totally know his creaky body has no business swimming, especially not with three very athletic-looking daughters right there. But of course, the girls complain to the camera that they want to participate, and, hopefully, don’t want their dad to drown, but they don’t actually say anything to him when it matters. Way to stand up for yourselves, girls. God, these people are boring.
The Paolos arrive at the beach and decide that Papa Paolo should swim, because, apparently, he’s the strongest. Never mind that physical strength and swimming ability have very little to do with each other, but whatever. I’m sure that won’t matter. The Dimz arrive soon after Papa Paolo, and one of the Dimz boys takes the swim. Say what you will about the Dimz, but physically unattractive they are not. Papa Paolo makes it out to the buoy, but apparently can’t make it back without drowning. DJ helpfully yells from shore, “Dad, don’t drown!” Because, clearly, it’s a matter of choice. He just doesn’t want to stay afloat badly enough. Anyway, unfortunately for us, Bruckheimer has a boat full of rescuers at the ready who help Papa Paolo not drown. Gah, these reality TV producers, they’re all alike. We get previews promising tragedy, and they NEVER follow through. It’s quite disappointing. Nick finishes his swim, and the Dimz get their clue, which tells them to go to the town of Grecia, and to find La Iglesia de Metal, which is, presumably, a metal church, I guess. I don’t know. Don’t really care either. The Bransens and then the Paolos also get their clues. All three teams get taxis and take off. Interestingly, Phil says it’s sixty miles, while one taxi driver says is two and a half hours. Those must be some slow roads.Back at the Pit Stop, the Pinkeyes are departing. One of them talks about how they have problems and they know they argue, but at least they’re aware of it. One of them (as distinguished from the “that one” and the “other one” and the other “other one”) takes the swim with little fanfare and gets the clue.
Election 2005 update: A banner at the bottom of my TV tells me that CBS4 is projecting that Tom Menino has won his fourth term as Boston mayor, with 64% of the vote, while Maura Hennigan has 35%. In the Salem mayor’s race, Kim Driscoll has defeated Kevin Harvey.
Last to leave the Pit Stop are the thoroughly loathsome Weavers. In wardrobe this week, the skunk-haired daughter has chosen to wear the pink hotpants. Can I talk about the hotpants for a moment? It isn’t bad enough that the Weavers have to be offensive with respect to the things they say, they also apparently have to do everything they can to offend my aesthetic sensibilities. I’m sorry, but people who don’t have perfect bodies should not be wearing hotpants. I’m not saying she’s fat. Hell, she may be thinner than I am. But also, I don’t wear hotpants. See how that works? And furthermore, I don’t care if you’re Miss Louisiana Assfuck – hotpants simply are not the slightest bit practical for this show, no matter what kind of body you have. So I am both offended and annoyed by the hotpants, and they need to get off my TV. As does the skunk hair. Yuck.
Skunk-hair says it’s better to be hated for you are, than loved for who you’re not. They’re being themselves, and they’re being hated for who they are. By which she means, Christian, rather than jerks. This is always my favorite part of the Christian experience – the persecution complex. *sigh* She goes on to say that they don’t want to be “buddy-buddy friends.” No! They’re competitors! They want to win! Because it’s impossible to be friendly competitors while still trying to win. Just ask every single one of the other teams.
Rolly takes the swim for the Weavers. From shore, Mama Weaver treats us to one of her trademarked prayers for God to keep Rolly safe. Which, okay, I guess if you’re going to pray about something, keeping your child safe is something I’ll allow. It won’t, however, stop me from offering up a prayer of my own:
Dear Jesus, please watch over this show and keep the viewers safe from the urge to scratch out their own eyeballs by throwing many and varied obstacles in the Weavers’ path so that they get eliminated. Amen.
Rolly finishes the swim without incident and gets the clue, while the Pinkeyes get a taxi. The Weavers get their taxi and ask the driver his name. He is Arnold. To which the Weavers respond with a loud, obnoxious, Arnold cheer. Arnold continues driving, trying to ignore them as best he can, all the while with a look of terror on his face all, “Dear Lord, what did I do to deserve this?”
The Dimz, the Paolos, and the Bransens arrive at the church to get the next clue, and proving that nothing is too tacky for Jerry Bruckheimer, they’re arriving right in the middle of a funeral. Seriously. The clue leads to this leg’s Detour: Brush or Barrel. In Brush, they have to paint a couple of cart wheels (that would be the wheels of a cart, not a gymnastics move) in a particular pattern. When they’re done, they’ll get the next clue from the artisan there. In Barrel, they have to go to a sugarcane plantation and load a ton of sugarcane onto a truck, transport it six miles, then find a clue stuck in a rum barrel.
The Paolos choose Barrel, despite the fact that past experience has shown that Papa Paolo is really the only one with any appreciable physical strength. Mama Paolo says she’s going to have more muscles than she has brains in her head when she’s done with the race. Which…doesn’t seem that outrageous a statement, given that it’s not hard to have more than none. Dimz choose Barrel. Bransens choose Brush.
Driving toward the church, the Pinkeyes proclaim Costa Rica beautiful, and a perfect place where one might spend a honeymoon. Except not now, because they’re with the sisters, so it’s no time for romance. I should hope not. That’s really not something I need to think about. Although I suspect it would involve a lot of screeching. In the Weaver taxi, Arnold remains stone-faced as the family yells, “Go, Arnold, go!” I remain awed at his amazing level of self-restraint. I would have had a hard time keeping myself from willingly driving into a tree.
The Dimz and the Paolos arrive at the rum plantation and start loading sugarcane. The Bransens taxi driver doesn’t know where she’s going. Oh no, will they be left driving aimlessly around the streets of Costa Rica forever, reduced to street urchins who must sell their bodies for food (daughters only)? The answer to this thrilling cliffhanger will come after the commercials, which I am not summarizing.
And…we’re back. The Bransens are still lost. The Dimz and Paolos are still loading. The Pinkeyes make it to the metal church, where the funeral has apparently ended. They choose painting. The Bransens finally arrive at the Detour site. Wow, I was worried for a minute that they wouldn’t make it. The Weavers find the church and choose painting.
Over at the plantation, the Dimz and the Paolos are still loading. Proving that, if there is indeed a god, he certainly has a sense of humor, DJ Paolo gets whacked in the face by a stalk of sugarcane. The Dimz finish and climb in their truck for the ride over to the rum factory. One of the boys informs us that he has sugarcane up his butt. Pleasant. At least his farts will smell sweet, I guess.Bransens painting. Pinkeyes painting. Dimz riding. Paolos riding. Papa Paolo singing some song that I’m sure is not Costa Rican. DJ Paolo saying, “Am I in hell?” And you know, when my mother tries to sing, we don’t exactly welcome it, but we also don’t say we’re in hell. So shut up, DJ Paolo. Weavers painting.
The Dimz arrive at the rum factory and find the barrels with the clues, but can’t quite figure out where the clues are. They just start banging on the barrels from various angles, and for some reason the thing that pops into my head is that they remind me of cavemen. Not sure where that came from, but I’m going with it. Eventually they do figure out that the clue is attached to the cork in the side of the barrel. Megan says they are not smart. But hey, at least they’re perceptive, so there’s that.
The clue tells them to fly to Phoenix, Arizona, and then drive to a go-cart racetrack. Wow, another racetrack? Man, that Jerry Bruckheimer is one sadistic motherfucker. Which is why we love him so (well, why we love him, apart from the fact that we hate him because he has very nearly destroyed this show with this stupid family edition). The Dimz take off for the airport. Back at the plantation, the Paolos find the clue and take off as well, but not before Mama Paolo yells, “What the hell are we going to Phoenix, Arizona for? I wanna go to New Zealand!” And again I’m conflicted. On the one hand, I agree with what her general sentiment seems to be, that the destinations this season are a bit lacking (just a little). Nothing against Phoenix (it is, after all, the home of our lovely Wheezy), but I’m sure I speak for most of us when I say we liked it better when it was a race around the actual world. On the other hand, it is Mama Paolo, and I’m reluctant to give anyone from that family credit for anything, so I’ll just say, you’re lucky you’re getting to go anywhere at all on someone else’s dime, so you’ll go to Phoenix, and you’ll like it.
Bransens finish painting, get their clue, and take off. Weavers finish, and Mama Weaver asks the artisan if they’re good, except she calls him “Mr. Artesian,” because…she thinks he’s a well, I guess. Or she doesn’t know how to read, and/or doesn’t know the meaning of either the words “artisan” or “artesian.” Did you know she’s a teacher? Boy do I feel sorry for the kids she teaches.
The Dimz arrive at the airport and decide, for some unknown reason, that Delta is the best airline. Something about flying through Atlanta. I don’t know. They find a flight that arrives at 9:35 in the morning and buy tickets, making no attempt to even investigate any other flights. They tell the Paolos about the flight, but it’s too late, and the ticket agents won’t let them on for security reasons. To which the Paolos respond by calling them morons. Yes, the refusal to violate, at best, their company’s policy, and at worst, the law, means they are morons. As assessed by the Paolos. Who didn’t even bother checking on flights on their own at all. Charming. The Dimz take off on the flight to Atlanta.
The Weavers show up at the airport, and upon seeing the Paolos, Skunk-hair starts flailing around like a lunatic and shouting, “The Cleavers! The Cleavers! The Cleavers!” Now, I am all for giving humorous nicknames to people, and I won’t even go so far as to mandate that they have to make sense, but COME ON. How can you come up with a nickname like the Cleavers, and not give it to the Bransens? I mean, hello? Wally and the Beavers? Way to swing and miss, Weavers. If it were anyone else, I’d suggest that maybe they were going for irony, what with the fact that the Paolos are nothing at like the “real” Cleavers, but I think we all know that there’s no way the Weavers are smart enough to understand the concept. Anyway, the Paolos eventually find their way to another airline, where they find a flight that gets into Phoenix at 9:20 in the morning. The Bransens and Weavers get on the same flight. The Paolos are much chagrinned about the presence of the Weavers. DJ Paolo then says, “Ever hear of ‘don’t mess with a good thing’? Right now we’re a good thing.” It seems like it’s in response to finding out the Weavers are on their flight, but it doesn’t entirely make sense, and the editing cuts are weird, so I don’t think it really is, but the reason why I’m reproducing it here is just because I want to get in younger brother Brian’s response, which is, “Then we should mess with you, because you’re a bad thing.” Ha! Brian is totally adopted.
At the Detour, the Pinkeyes finally finish painting.
Back at the airport, in a hilarious scene, the Weavers corner DJ Paolo and demand to know why his family yielded them. He looks like a deer caught in the headlights of a car full of psychos. Mama Weaver takes charge and looks like she's thisclose to throttling him.
They are totally scandalized when he tells them it was because they were simply trying to knock a team out decisively. Which, while it may or may not be true (it sure seemed like it was personal at the time, but it was probably some of both), is a perfectly valid reason for yielding someone. If your goal is simply to not come in last, the best strategy is to yield the team that is farthest back, to try to make them last by as wide a margin as possible. And in any case, the yield is PART OF THE GAME. There is nothing wrong with using it. It’s not dishonest, it’s not un-Christian, and it doesn’t make anyone who uses it a bad person. Mama Weaver doesn’t accept this, saying they’ve always been nice to him. Hmmm. I guess making fun of his father’s job and calling his brother a retard doesn’t count. Now, I’m not Christian, but I’m pretty sure lying is something that’s frowned upon. Anyway, Mama Weaver gets the last word in by threatening to yield the Paolos at some hypothetical future point, and it’s gross, because she calls him “Sweets,” and looks like a total serial killer.
The Pinkeyes get to the airport and get tickets on the flight that lands at 9:20. Or so they think. When they get into New York, the find out that they didn’t actually get reservations on the New York to Phoenix leg. It’s all gloom-and-doom, but they find out that there’s a flight to Phoenix out of Newark, so they hop in a cab over there, where they do indeed get on the flight.
Amazingly, they get to Phoenix first, where one sister proclaims it “hotter than snot.” Is snot hot? I didn’t know. Based on counting the marked cars at the airport, they figure out that they are first, to which one sister says, “We are smart women.” Well, no, not so much. I’d venture to say that you were actually quite stupid, because you didn’t check to make sure you actually had confirmed tickets all the way through when you first made your flight reservations. If you hadn’t been extremely lucky to not only find the flight through Newark, but also have time to get over there, you’d probably be hours behind everyone else.
The Bransens, the Weavers, and the Dimz land and find their cars, while the Paolos roam around the parking lot aimlessly, fighting, as they do. Aw, I missed the fighting. *eyeroll* It’s just so precious when a mother is prompted to yell at her son that she hopes he never gets married, because no woman would ever put up with his nonsense. And she’s basically right, but also, if the parents hadn’t put up with it his entire life, he’d be a much nicer person now. I’m just saying.
The Pinkeyes arrive at the speedway, where they get the clue for the Roadblock, which is 50 laps around the speedway in a “supercart.” Is that the same as a go-cart? I have no idea. Whatever. The one with the short hair takes it. Wally takes it for the Bransens. And then…the Weavers arrive. Mama Weaver takes the wheel. When she goes to get the information for the task, as well as her jacket and helmet, she practically orders the guy to be compassionate towards her. I do understand why this is difficult for them, and I’m sympathetic, but I don’t get any sense that the guy was about to be a jerk or anything, and seriously, using that tone is just rude. I hate these people.
The race itself is uneventful. There’s a minor fake-out where we’re led to believe the Dimz boy maybe is going to cause a crash with Mama Weaver, but as usual, nothing happens. On the sidelines, one of the Pinkeyes tries to give some seemingly-genuine support to Skunk-hair, who then tells the camera how much she hates the Pinkeyes, because they’re annoying, and they lie. Annoying I’ll grant, but they don’t seem like bad people, and I’m not sure what they’ve ever lied about, so whatever. I just don’t get this family. They bitch about everyone hating them, but then when people actually try to be nice, they get pissed off about that too. I hate these people.
The Pinkeyes finish the Roadblock first and get the clue for the Pit Stop, Fort McDowell, home to the Yavapai Nation, which totally sounds like “Yabba-Pie,” which makes me want to watch the Flintstones and eat pie.
Election 2005 update: Tim Murray has defeated Konstantina Lukes for Worcester mayor. In the Boston mayor’s race, Tom Menino now has 67% of the vote, while Maura Hennigan has 32%.
The Bransens finish the Roadblock in second, followed by the Weavers in third and the Dimz in fourth. In the Weaver car, Rolly and Skunk-hair sarcastically bitch about the Dimz boy, “a 20 year-old guy,” celebrating because he passed Mama Weaver, “a 46 year-old woman,” on the track. Yes, because god forbid anyone should celebrate about passing someone else in a race. It wasn’t a fistfight, it was A RACE. Just like this whole entire show is A RACE. Will they be allowed to celebrate when they beat your asses and win the million dollars? Is that okay with you? To top everything off, they immediately pass a garbage truck and take the opportunity to make fun of the Paolos again, some more. God, I hate these people.
The Bransens are majorly lost, so they stop at a hotel to ask directions. They get directions to the Fort McDowell Casino, but they’re not sure it’s the same place. The Beavers, however, don’t want to stick around and find out, and they rush back to the car, causing Wally to have the minor hissy-fit we saw in the previews. There’s not much more than we saw, and it’s really quite boring. Much like this family in general. *snore*Back at the speedway, the Paolos finally finish the Roadblock, while the Pinkeyes, the Weavers, and the Dimz are already arriving at the Pit Stop. The Pinkeyes are first, winning a vacation to Belize. The Weavers are second, followed by the Dimz. When the Dimz check in, Phil busts on the youngest Dimz (who did the Roadblock), saying, “Have you got a license?” Oh, snap! Or not. Phil is not really the king of snark, I don’t think. But perhaps I shouldn’t talk. Let’s just move on.
Driving up to the Pit Stop, the Paolos think they are last, not realizing how lost the Bransens were. Despite the fact that they know enough to count the cars at the Pit Stop, they don’t know enough to actually know how many there should be. So they still think they are last, and it leads to one of the most horrifying scenes in reality TV history – the Paolos putting their giant granny-panties and tighty-whities on over their clothes, making them look like a bunch of escaped mental patients, and making everyone watching the show collectively drain the country’s bleach supply in an attempt to scrub the images from their brains. The Paolos realize they are not last when the Bransens show up, but they are able to run to the Pit Stop, clad in their unmentionables, and check in as the fourth team. Interestingly, the Bransens run up while the Paolos are still on the mat, and the Paolos yell at them to go back and put all their clothes on before they check in. Most likely, they’re just doing it to be nice (weirdly, they do seem to be able to be nice to outsiders, just not to each other), but if you think about it, this actually is a brilliant move (or, I should say, would be a brilliant move in the hands of people who I could give credit to for being capable of being brilliant, which is to say, not the Paolos). If the Bransens check in right then, with no extra clothes, they may be unhappy and uncomfortable for the rest of the race, but I doubt it would do much to their racing capabilities, except possibly to make them faster, since they wouldn’t have much to carry. However, by encouraging them to go back to their car to put on clothes, they’re making them check in later, meaning that they will be leaving that much later for the next leg. Of course, I’m sure the Paolos didn’t actually put that much thought into it, but it’s interesting (to me, anyway) nonetheless. In any case, the Bransens go back, and, through tears, put on the extra clothes, including the seemingly obligatory underwear-on-the-outside. They still look ridiculous, thought not nearly as horrifying as the Paolos. Oh, and they’re not eliminated.
Can I just say how much I hate this non-elimination penalty? What is the point of taking away their possessions? I mean, I guess, like I said above, it’s to make them unhappy and uncomfortable, and stress them out. Which I guess leads to better TV? However, now that the teams know about the rule, it ends up effectively meaning “take away their backpacks and their toiletries, because they’ve figured out how to keep all their clothes." I don’t know. I just think it’s really stupid. And I hate the taking away of their money as well, because it’s just so obnoxious to have them begging, especially when it happens in poor countries. I don’t mind the idea of not giving them any new money, because that would actually have strategic implications – it would give them an incentive to conserve money on the regular legs. As it is now, there’s some incentive, but it would be that much more important if they could actually keep what they’d saved if they’re last in a non-elim leg. Just my opinion.
Twelve hours later, we lead off with sweeping shots of the gorgeous Arizona scenery, as well as a shot of Phil, who, while not nearly so gorgeous, is at least thankfully wearing a better shirt.
First to depart are the Pinkeyes. The clue tells them to drive to Fighter Combat International at Gateway Airport in Mesa, Arizona. Next off are the Weavers. Skunk-hair (boy, she talks a lot, doesn’t she?) says the other people don’t like them because they’re different. And she’s right. They are disliked because they’re different. Except she thinks “different” means “Christian,” when in fact it means “rude,” “obnoxious,” “hypocritical,” “immature,” “assholish,” “holier-than-thou,” “arrogant,” “screechy,” “standoffish,” and “annoying.” The Dimz leave next in a hail of clichés, followed by the Paolos and then the Bransens. The Bransens head to the casino to beg. Determined to live up to the name Wally and the Beavers, Dad pimps out his young, nubile daughters while hanging back creepily in the shadows. Unsurprisingly, the begging nets them enough cash, and they are on their way.
At the airport, teams pull numbered tags to determine the order for the next day’s task. The Weavers, unfortunately, get #1. The Dimz get #2. One of the Dimz boys asks the Weavers how they got there so fast, and one of them says, “We’re smart.” To which the Dimz boy responds, under his breath, “No.” Ha! I think I love him just a little bit. The Pinkeyes arrive next, getting #3, followed by the Paolos, who get #4, and the Bransens, pulling in last.
In the morning, they get their clues for the Roadblock, which involves taking the controls and performing a full 360 degree loop in a fighter plane. I hate this Roadblock – it’s just like the one with the centrifuge – they’re pretty much guaranteed to finish in the exact order that they start in, so what’s the point (I mean, other than to show a bunch of fancy aerial maneuvers)?
The first three take off at the same time, and the Dimz boys call their sister “Air Biscuit.” Is that as gross as I think it is? Anyway, before doing the loops, the planes all do a bunch of various twists and turns and flips and whatnot, and it looks totally unsafe to my untrained eye, but what do I know. All three perform their loops successfully. One of the Dimz boys starts teasing Brian Paolo about pulling on the joystick between his legs. Aw, dude, shut up. Leave Brian alone. He’s the only sane one in that family. It’s not like he doesn’t have enough shit to deal with. Before taking off, Brian and one of the Beavers share hug, and it’s both cute and weird. The first three teams land and get their clues, which direct them to the Grand Canyon.
Election 2005 update: John Hanlon has narrowly defeated David Ragucci for Everett mayor, Michael Sullivan has defeated Marcos Devers for Lawrence mayor, and James Harrington has defeated Jass (yes, Jass) Stewart for Brockton mayor.
Back at the roadblock, both Brian and the Beaver girl manage to screw up the loop and have to do it twice. The Paolos and the Bransens take off for the Grand Canyon.
In the Pinkeye car, the sisters express puzzlement as they pull up next to the Weavers, and the Weavers throw garbage out the window at them. Classy! As they pull up to the entrance to the Grand Canyon lookout, the get the idea that it would be hilarious to tell the park ranger guy to try to delay the Dimz (who are behind them) by telling them all about the history of the Grand Canyon, even if they say they don’t want to hear it. So, let me get this straight. In the Weavers’ universe, using the Yield, which is completely within the rules of the race, is a cardinal sin, but pulling shit like this and lying is okay? What.the.fuck.ever. Mind you, I don’t have a problem with what they did (except with respect to the fact that it’s totally stupid and unlikely to work, and not brilliant and hilarious they way they think it is), but I fucking hate hypocrites. Especially stupid ones. Not surprisingly, the park ranger guys totally knows what idiots the Weavers are, and rather than trying to give the Dimz history, gives up the Weavers for all the smack they were talking. Heh.
The Weavers make it to the Grand Canyon clue first, which tells them to drive to Page, Arizona. Unfortunately, none of them falls into the canyon. They are pulling their car out as the Dimz are pulling in, which prompts Skunk-hair to say that they play dirty. They do? Have we ever seen them do anything dirty? If they did, I don’t remember it. And again, do I have to remind them who it was up there trying to get the park ranger guy to delay another team? Aaauuuugggghhhh! I fucking hate these fucking hypocritical fucks.
DJ Paolo is really excited to see “the largest pothole in the world.” First of all, shut up, DJ. Second, the Grand Canyon is not a pothole. And right here I was about to geek out and give you an explanation of how potholes are formed, versus how the Grand Canyon was formed, and how they’re not the same at all, but I don’t have the energy, and it’s not actually funny, and this summary is way late already, so let’s just move on, shall we?
The teams are now on their way to Glen Canyon Dam, where they have to choose a tour guide to take them up across the dam. The guides are all lined up, and it feels just like an elementary school kickball game, and I start feeling really bad for the guides who don’t get picked first. Up on top of the dam, they get their next clue, which reveals the Detour, a choice of Bailing or Bearing. In Bearing, the have to use a compass to find a bunch of cards located around the water. In Bailing, they have to bail out a submerged boat and then carry it up onto the shore. Dimz and Pinkeyes choose bailing. On their way off the dam, the Weavers are coming in, and they try to high-five the Dimz, who flatly ignore them. One of the daughters wonders why the Dimz are so rude to them. Hmmm, yes, I wonder why? They then call the Pinkeyes “so rude.” For what? All it looks like is that they didn’t say anything at all when they walked by. Which…isn’t that what the Weavers did back at the airport a few episodes back, when one of the other teams asked them a direct questions? OHMYGOD will someone please just kill this family now? Please? I don’t know if I can take this much longer. Anyway, Weavers choose Bearing.
Out on the water, the Pinkeyes remark on the beauty of the…what is this, anyway? A gorge? A canyon? Anyway, it’s gorgeous. (Ha! Maybe it's a gorgeous gorge!) She also says it’s something you’d never do (on your own, presumably). But, why wouldn’t you do it on your own? I don’t get that. Whatever. A Dimz boy sees the Weavers go for the Bearing Detour, which prompts him to point out how the Dimz are going for the “more challenging” Detour. And maybe you might want to get over yourself there, buddy-boy. Things can be challenging in different ways. Not that I am giving the Weavers credit for successfully doing anything challenging, but I personally would have a harder time with Bearing, since I don’t know how to read a compass.
The Dimz locate the submerged boats, leading one brother to stand and Leonardo DiCaprio, “I’m king of the canyon!” I’m having a hard time deciding if this is lame or funny. I think I’m going with lame. Sorry, Dimz boy, try again. They get out and start bailing, using plastic containers and a small pump. The Pinkeyes are right behind them, and one sister helpfully gives instructions to another, telling her to “put it between your legs and pump.” Hey, hey, hey! I thought we weren’t going to have any of that here with just the sisters! Save it for the honeymoon!
The Dimz get enough water out of their boat to make it light enough to lift up and tip out the rest. They carry it up the shore and get their clue, which tells them to drive to Lake Powell, Arizona, where they’ll have to get in a motorboat and search the lake for the Pit Stop, which is a houseboat.
Waaaay back at the dam, the Bransens get the clue and decide to Bail. The Weavers find all their cards and get the Pit Stop clue. The Pinkeyes finish bailing and get their clue as well. The Paolos, after getting lost, finally find the dam as the Dimz, the Weavers, and the Pinkeyes are already on the road to the Pit Stop. The Weavers are unsure of where they’re going, so they stop to get directions. An unsuspecting motorist offers to let them follow him. Mama Weaver prays to God, asking to be led to the Pit Stop.
Please God, let the Weavers get lost and fall behind all the other teams, and get eliminated, if it is your will. Amen.
Bransens finish bailing. Paolos start. Presumably influenced by the stress of knowing they are in last place, they start to fight with an intensity not seen since the first few episodes. So lovely, these people. DJ tells his mother he could drown her and no one would ever find her body here. No one except for all the cameramen filming them. But otherwise he has a point. And then, because apparently he has to go out in a real blaze of non-glory, he has a near-complete meltdown over whether or not they can carry the boat instead of dragging it. This is really getting painful to watch. Someone just put this team out of its misery already. Hey, here’s an idea - is there any chance we could eliminate both the Weavers and the Paolos? That would be awesome. Bruck? Could you do me just this one favor? Please? The Paolos finally, mercifully finish the task, and we can thankfully get a breather and move to another team for a bit.
The Dimz get to Lake Powell first, but fail to read the clue and don’t go to the right place. Eventually, they figure it out and find the boats, but the Pinkeyes are now right on their tails. On the lake, the Pinkeyes eventually pass the Dimz because their boat, having much less weight, can go much faster. They make it to the Pit Stop first, and are greeted by a kid who looks like he could totally be Phil’s son. Phil tells them they’ve won a travel trailer. They celebrate politely, as if he’d just given them socks for Christmas. The Dimz come in second. Phil kind of busts on them again for falling behind, and one of the boys says, with a suggestive, slightly leering look, that maybe the Pinkeyes will share their prizes after the race. Does it strike anyone else as weird that the Dimz boys (or at least one of them – I can’t ever tell who says what) are lusting after the Pinkeyes (remember, they did it back in the first episode), rather than the Bransen girls? I mean, the Bransen girls would seem more likely, wouldn’t they, given that they’re much closer in age to the Dimz? And also, by my own estimation, they’re generally hotter. Is it maybe because their father is there? Or that they’re just extremely dull? It’s certainly one of life’s great mysteries.
The Weavers make it to the Pit Stop next. Phil notes that they don’t seem too happy, to which they respond that it’s hard, because they’re all alone. Because the others are all classless, says the blonde daughter. And because the Weavers are the only team that doesn’t curse, and the only team trying to live a Christian life. Oh. My. God. Where to start with this one? Firstly, she seems to be saying cursing is the main thing that defines whether one is living a Christian life. Nothing about being a good person. Just cursing. Well fuck that. I don’t want to be a fucking Christian if it fucking means I can’t fucking curse. And then. AND THEN. The only team trying to live a Christian life? Is she fucking kidding? As I said above, I’m not even Christian, and I can’t tell you how offensive this is to me. The level of arrogance it takes to make a statement like that is simply astounding. I’d bet good money that most, if not all of the other teams are Christian, and I’m sure they’d be happy to know that the Weavers have declared them un-Christian. God. WILL SOMEONE PLEASE GET THESE FUCKING PEOPLE OFF MY FUCKING TV?
In any case, they’ve checked in, so they’re thankfully off my TV for the remainder of this summary. I was very close to having an aneurysm there.
The Bransens find the lake and get in their boat. The Paolos get in theirs. Bransens. Paolos. The editing tries to make it look like they’re close, but I don’t really think they are. The Bransens check in fourth, leaving the Paolos to fight one last time in their boat before checking in, last, and getting eliminated. Mama Paolo tries to blow off the fighting as what keeps them together, or something, but enough already. Go away.
Next time on the Amazing Race: One of the Pinkeyes takes a tumble while rappelling down the side of a cliff. I think it’s supposed to be dramatic, but she only fell on her butt a little, not down the entire cliff, and besides, long ago and far away, I summarized the episode of this show where Flo had her meltdown while rappelling, and there’s no way they could top that, so lets just agree that it will be lame and move on. And a Dimz brother face-plants into a pool while wearing skis.
My thanks and everlasting love to TeamJoisey for the fantastic graphics. My thanks and everlasting love to everyone else, for, well, just being you. ¶ 12:07 AM
Comments:
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The Dimz's are bullies through and through, so they lust after the women who don't have an alpha male with them.
Although calling Wally an alpha male may be a bit of a stretch...
Oh, and nice. Niiiiice.
Although calling Wally an alpha male may be a bit of a stretch...
Oh, and nice. Niiiiice.
You hate hypocrites? Damn, now I'll never get into your pants.
Fabulous work. I'm particularly charmed by your stance on the Weavers. Who knew folk singing could go so wrong?
Fabulous work. I'm particularly charmed by your stance on the Weavers. Who knew folk singing could go so wrong?
Dear God,
Please keep the Weavers safe from harm or elimination... until the final episode, and then, oh Godly one, smote them from the fuckin earth.
In thy mercy. Amen.
Please keep the Weavers safe from harm or elimination... until the final episode, and then, oh Godly one, smote them from the fuckin earth.
In thy mercy. Amen.
Oh, and Diamond?
Bless you for your hilarious summary. May the sweet baby Jesus, or any non-specific diety of your choosing, smile down upon you.
When we do the Circle of Friends Union Tour. I want to see you in pink hot pants.
Bless you for your hilarious summary. May the sweet baby Jesus, or any non-specific diety of your choosing, smile down upon you.
When we do the Circle of Friends Union Tour. I want to see you in pink hot pants.
Mmmmm, I haven't made it further than shirtless Dimz boy yet. Let me clean up the drool and then return to reading. Thanks, diamond!
Very nice. I especially like the "Jesus loves you" bumper sticker.
And on behalf of everyone in Cincinnati, I apologize for the Dimz.
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And on behalf of everyone in Cincinnati, I apologize for the Dimz.
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