Episode 6: “Evil Triumphs And The Sun Flickers Out”

Bruck: Now that Pirates of the Carribbean and Bad Boys II are out, we've got to get back to the Race. I know this race thing is popular. Hell, I might even get an emmy for this one. But it's no CSI and it's costing too much. Besides I'm having trouble keeping all of my women happy what with spending so much time out of the country. So think about this: The Amazing Race -- Americana Edition !! How does it play?

Bob: Great Bruck! You know that anything you come up with is a success.

Bruck: Oh shut up Bob. I don't need any sucking up. I need some show ideas.

Jason: Where would they go, Bruck? I mean, I know we're all about the country. We even hate Canadians these days, But how would we get enough material for 14 shows out of that?

Tiffany, who is swelling with child: I've got it! Make it families. Let's drag babies and grandmothers along.

Bruck: Wait Tif, that sounds like it could get expensive and dangerous. I like wrapping them in the flag, though.

Elise: Yeah, I think we can do that.

Missy, elbowing Tiffany out of the way: No, Bruck. We'll just have them drive around. Hell, they can go to battlefields and historical sites. Won't cost squat.

Bob: Who'd want to watch that?

Jason: Yeah, driving around gets pretty boring. And I don't know anything about battlefields.

Elise: Don't worry about that. We'll make up a battlefield. Nobody will know the difference.

Bruck: Get us some coffee Bob. You think you can do it Evan? What about the gays and the wifebeaters?

Evan: We've got this one covered. The whole trick is to make sure they're all really stupid. Like never heard of the great lakes stupid. That means no Asians. They're too smart and they can't drive.

Tiffany, interrupting: Then we'll have to make sure we have African-Americans.

Evan: Well if we get a black family, let's make sure they're black. I don't want one of those white black families that usually apply.

Missy: Wow, this could work!!

Bruck: Run with it. Now where did Bob go?

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Episode 6

Previously on The Amazing Race: Six teams finally left the US to arrive at the American Section of Panama. They learned how to navigate airplanes, raced on the *ahem* Panama Canal, bungee jumped, prayed, and talked smack on each other. Some hit baseballs and others didn’t. The Paolos won the leg, though I can’t really understand how because they were using all of their air to yell at one another. As Dweezil so aptly explained. The Godlewhatevers arrived last in the best non-elimination leg yet. They wore all their clothes and looked silly, but laughed through it. At least they won’t have to spend the next couple of weeks wearing the same unwashed undergarments. And I won’t have to think about it every week. These things matter, boys and girls.

Aside: Here at Circle Of Productions, we try to reproduce the complete TAR experience. As part of this we bring you things like “Previously On,” promotional material because in addition to providing a Total Experience, we recognize that commercials are essential to the continuing success of capitalism. We provide value added in that the material is summarized, with commentary. While you may, of course, skip anything you choose, we believe that Circle Of Productions provides you with the finest Total Experience.

Interlude: Wherein we see Those Who Are No Longer With Us in very silly circumstances. By this time in the season one is always a bit shocked to find how easily those eliminated have slipped from our minds.

Promotions: Adam, conquering his claustrophobia in that iron diving suit from TAR 6, for GMC. A Dweeb in HUGE glasses (whose wife inexplicably carries a large cactus) wading through the trash searching for a credit card bill, for CITI. People in a grocery line for Progresso Soup. Some sort of retro wifely person who apparently still dusts for Pledge dust spray. I have no idea what this product might be good for. A black car emitting a Matrix-like green glow from its undercarriage for Gillette Mach3 Comfort Gel, “the best a man can get.” How sad for men! Cheap graphics for Aleve. A family having their picture taken and a whole lot of other silly views of the word “it” for ebay. *yawn* Some people I’ve never heard of for some show called “Yes, Dear” wherein apparently the men intend to have non-vaginal sex. Or something.

The Actual Episode: Ever enlightening, Phil, who is beginning to get a little rounded hunchback from lugging around those mammaries, explains what the Panama Canal is. He again recaps the last show. I won’t.

The Paolo’s are the first to leave. They are going to San Jose, Costa Rica by bus. Ahh, a comfortable ride I am sure. There will be three charter busses leaving ½ hour apart. We will now encounter the technique familiar to those of you who are seasoned TAR watchers: bunching. Then they will again acquire vehicles and drive to the top of Volcan Poas where they will find their clue on the rim of an active volcano while we will long, futilely, to see at least one of them plunge to a fiery death.

As they set off, Mrs. Paolo engages in extended brakage about how she hopes they appreciate her now. They don’t. Various families standing around in the middle of the night, all wearing huge backpacks and once again demonstrating that even the very clever and experienced camera operators can’t find a damn thing interesting in this abomination that is the “Family Edition.” Damn you, Bruck!

There is a lot of “por favoring” in general and “Heavenly father please guide us” brakage from the Weavers who explain that since they were small they learned to trust their family and God but not other people. (I know that you are looking for a rant about what kind of Christian values teach people that other people are bad and untrustworthy. Believe me, boys and girls, I want to provide you with that rant. But we are a mere seven minutes into what will be an interminable hour. If I start ranting about hypocrisy now, this ‘summary’ will stretch into the middle of next week.)

The Bransen Dad braks about how close his daughters are and how he doesn’t fit. The Weavers complain bitterly about not being able to find a cab. The Lint family offers adolescents braking about something that I can’t stand listening to. The Weavers still complain bitterly about not being able to find a cab. The Gagems, the only team with any remote charm, find that they are going 600 miles and while Twee, the tiny blond thing, asks if they have to run there. She’s got game.

Each team has $74 for this leg of the race except the Godlewhatevers, who have nothing because, as you may recall, the last arrivers in a non-elimination round have to give up all their carryables except passports. I expect there are those watchers who are beginning to salivate over the prospect of watching the Godless (because I can’t continue to type all those Godlewhatever letters) girls sell their bodies for a mess of pottage. I can almost hear the spittle falling from chins. But Phil, who certainly seems to be in the midst of some gender-reassignment process, has already offered himself as a holy receptacle, thereby rendering all of the men in the vicinity flaccid.

[Bruck: What’s the matter with you people? I took it out of the country like you wanted me to. And it’s still boring boring boring. Can’t you do anything right? Maybe we should give it the CSI treatment. Have them find a body or something.]

Much flash editing from team to team, in an attempt to make a trip to a bus station interesting. The Godless accumulate a few bucks and get to the bus station. So much for suspense. The Paolos hide in the bus station, hoping to avoid the Weavers.

The busses meander across the countryside during the daytime. The Gagems actually notice the scenery and the fact that some of the natives are poor. Bus #1 arrives with the Lints, and the Paolos still bickering. Bus #2 arrives with the Weavers and Gagems. Bus #3 contains the Godless and Bransens. It is dark again. If it weren’t racist and I weren’t such a damn liberal, I’d tell you that many of the families wander up and down the street looking for the place that their waiting cars have been parked. The Weavers pray loudly to be favored. Their God apparently resembles Santa Claus, but without the good/bad caveat.

Promotions: A large gasoline tank, for BP. Graphics and a lot of dweebs in white shirts using their laptops in a coffee shop for Verizon Wireless. Talking heads in a letterbox format bordered by green for BP. Some ugly people wearing long-sleeved red shirts for Toys R Us. Three chatty Kathies giggling for Olive Garden – all of the soup and breadsticks that you want for just $5.95. Unemployed yet beloved Vikings trying new forms of employment. One dangles a rubber ducky on a mace over a crib. A half dozen stand in an opening doorway holding plastic pumpkins for trick-or-treat. For Capital One. Some woman nattering about her car and an elephant for Mr. Goodwrench.

The families still meander, finally locating the parking lot. Some sniping as in “How’d the Brady Bunch catch up with us?” Mrs. Weaver, while struggling to remember how to drive a stick shift is caught saying most of the word ‘shit’ instead of her usual prayer. The vehicles race the 30 KM toward the volcano. The Bransen’s bicker. The Weavers pray to beat the other people. The Gagem kids sleep like a rock. And when they all arrive we find – bunching. The park is closed until morning.

Dawn breaks, rays of red-orange sun shining through the verdant foliage. The families race through the fog into the park, grabbing clues. A few glance at the volcano. I am disappointed that none ever get close to the edge. I mean, they could have given me a bit of hope. Their destination is the Doka Estate, a coffee plantation seventeen miles away. Whoa! Yield ahead. More driving. Mr. Gagem is nice to his family, telling everyone how well they did and thanking the youngest for running. Mr. Paolo tells the family that they did good, then looks at the view and admires it. How did these people get through the casting directors?

The teams are actually racing now which we know because there are quick edits from car to car. “On righto or lefto?” Go go go go. “I say we yield Florida” (the Weavers). Go go go go go go go. “Let’s give them a little gift.” Phil explains what a yield is. Since you have heard this very same speech in the neighborhood of 372 times, I won’t. Although I do love The Yield, since it brings out all of the mean in the players. The Paolos, amidst a scrum of racing to the yield, arrive first. With much glee they yield The Weavers who are in fifth place and no threat to anybody. However they are consistently rude, mean spirited, and holier than thou. Yet again, we have on display an important life lesson for those of you who go to work, live in neighborhoods, or have families. The players make such decisions based on who they like rather than who would be the most strategically advantageous. Oh, and another lesson. If you have huge man-boobs, wear loose layers.


Roadblock: “A Roadblock is a task that only one person can perform. In this roadblock, a person has to search through 800 pounds of coffee beans for the one bean that is colored red. Once they find that elusive bean, the plantation manager will give them their next clue.“ They each dump out drums of coffee beans, rake them out, and find either find it or not. *yawn* We see many close up shots of folks’ asses as they bend over looking for that “elusive bean.” My eyes burn.

Just when I think that I can’t take it any more, to my delight the Weavers arrive and discover that they have been yielded. They chew their nails and wait, more patiently than I would have expected. They are surprised to find that “they are all ganged up against us.” Meanwhile more folks find coffee beans. The Gagem mom continues to search for the red bean. The rest of the clan cheer her on.


Promotions: Ahh, commercials within commercials, all for odd letter combinations. TAR sponsored by GMC trucks, AOL where you belong and ZATHURA, in theaters brak. Zathura appears to be a movie brought to you by the Bush administration’s penchant for trying to make you pee in your pants. Small children and a pseudo-frozen woman combine with loud noises and quick editing to try to get you out of your Barcalounger. AOL continues its campaign to convince you that it is an alternative, competitive internet with – MORE FEAR and much brakage about viruses, spyware, and other things that are only vague concepts to most folks.


A Story About A Panda which may be of local interest only: We, and I speak of folks in the Washington DC metropolitan area, have little to be proud of these days, what with the Congress and the administration and the traffic and what not. But there is nearly universal agreement that we adore our baby panda. Now you know ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, that I am not sweet and that generally I am not a fan of cute. But like Wonkette I have fallen madly in love with our baby panda. This teeny tiny ball of fur has been on television since he was born. Our Local News in this Not Small Media Market leads off the news with stories of his physical or immunizations or first steps. He is a Star. And so adorable one can barely stand it.

Well as part of this local frenzy, the National Zoo(logical Park) held a naming contest for said panda. It seems that in the Chinese tradition people and, presumably pandas, do not get named until they are 100 days old, so there was plenty of time to whip up a local frenzy. The finalist names were Hua Sheng, Tai Shan, Sheng Hua, Qiang Qiang, and Long Shan. Unfortunately here in Your Nation’s Capital we are an unruly bunch. We had two local favorite names: Bling-Bling for obvious reasons and Butterstick for the description of the panda’s size when it was born. Well to make a long story short, the name Tai Shan, or peaceful mountain won. But our local folk have not acquiesced. We persist in calling the panda Butterstick. There are even shirts available for those who are unalterably stubborn.

And now back to the promotions: I was reminded of Butterstick by a promotion for Our Local News on the Station I won’t watch. Panda pictures, cute panda pictures, an adorable plethora of pandas for a feature about zoo personnel going to a panda preserve in China where there are 80 baby pandas. Panda panda panda. (Consider this foreshadowing … by the end you will need to remember that there remains some cute in this world.) Faces of people who look silly for American Express gift check. ACK! It is the political season. Tim Kaine says that his opponent, the fascist running for Governor in Virginia wants to outlaw all abortions, even in cases of rape or incest, unless the rape is reported within seven days and reminds us that especially in cases of incest, it may take a good deal longer than that for folks to report rape. Two small children drinking lemonade on a porch for Comcast Digital Cable. It’s Comcastic!

The Weavers make fun of the other players (““I hope those boobs cost a lot!” ), snivel about “nobody wants us here” but “we answer to a higher power.” I thought that was the Hebrew National slogan. Back to the Gagem family where the mother can’t find the red coffee bean. The boy says “Come on Mom! You’re under absolutely no pressure,” While the Weaver family says “Pray Rachel! Pray.” The other teams drive 94 miles to the small surf town of Jaco and locate a surf shop where Javier has the clue. The Weavers and the Gagems continue looking for the red bean while the other teams drive. And ask directions. And demonstrate why watching teams drive long distances is even more dreadfully boring than watching them flop around in airports. The Weaverchild finds a red bean and they take off. The Gagem mom finally finds the red bean, putting them in last place.

On arriving at the Roca Loca surf shop, Javier hands each team a clue that tells of a detour, which as you know, is a choice between two tasks, each with its pros and cons. The teams may go to the rainforest and cross some high rope bridges while looking for Mayan pseudorelics or them may go to a plantation where they gather and, using an incredibly clever pulley system, load 15 pounds of bananas onto a truck. The Branson’s arrive first followed closely by the Paolos.

The Paolos decide to move bananas discovering in short order that they are heavy. Doh! The boys can barely life them and end up carrying one bunch between the two of them. Dad handles them with ease. The boys are amazed that they are sniveling wimps and their father isn’t. I now see why they entered this race. It seems that the boys are unfit for any gainful employment and Dad is concerned about having to support them.

All of the other families go after the pseudorelics. The Bransens and Lints find that the bridges are “high.” This viewer is stunned by their insights. I suspect the rain is also “wet.” After expressing some concern about finding the relics, it turns out that they are about three feet high – difficult to miss – but they don’t appear to weigh much. Then Bransens, Lints, and Godlewhatevers cross the rope bridges and collect their relics. Four families are on their way to the town of Quepos to find the pit stop on a Pacific beach where a team may be eliminated. They are driving again. Hey, Bruck. When are you gonna get them out of the damn cars? This is sooooooo boring.

We now have the suspenseful race to the finish. The Weavers then the Gagems cross the bridges in that order. The Weavers get their SUV stuck in the mud and Mom Weaver throws her hands up in the air in despair shouting “I can’t do this! I’m sick of doing stuff I can’t do!”. I fail to understand why she isn’t just praying for a four lane asphalt road to appear. Or perhaps she could pray to be able to do the stuff she can’t do. Perhaps I am just obtuse.

Promotions: We will be treated to messages from sponsors including the Wild Bean Café, which I have never heard of. Talking heads for BP. This message is a total non sequitur to me. They speak of a sweet tooth and what a husband like, brak about life on the go, and then show that shot upwards at a pure white gasoline holding tank with a blue sky background and a BP sign on it. Maybe I am flawed because I remember that this used to be British Petroleum and am somewhat skeptical when they try to bill themselves as Beyond Petroleum. Adorable penguins wearing cameras for Duracell. Familiar beloved characters for Star Wars III, Revenge of the Sith on DVD. Soft background music and a heartbeat with women lowering their eyes for Start Smart. I think it is cereal. A teeny tiny impala jumping all over the inside of a car for Chevrolet. Guys gathering outside a building comparing the size of their .. um .. networks for Verizon Wireless. Quick editing of people I have never seen before for some TV vehicle called Close To Home. High drama, a hint of reveal, and entirely too much of Rafe for Survivor, Guatemala. Verizon again. I can’t bear it. A warmly colored very blonde child for McCain frozen mashed potatoes made into smiley face shapes. They are very very creepy. The Republican State Leadership Committee, Virginia Pac on the Virginia Attorney General race. Deeds doesn’t care about our families because of some crap that is incomprehensible, Bob McDonnell who will put violent criminals behind bars will protect our families. *ptooey* Oh I am so FRIGHTENED. My Local News That I Refuse To Watch in spite of the upcoming adorable panda feature tells me that they won an Emmy for the Best Late News Program. It was rigged.

The Weavers finally get unstuck. The Gagems finish their task, still being kind and supportive of one another. They were soooo miscast.

We are treated to a demi-race where the Paolos and Lints run to the pit stop carpet. The Lints are outrun by the Paolos have won a Vespa, ATV, or some such from the Wild Bean Café which I still have never heard of. They voice-over some sappy stuff about each other which is particularly hard to take since they spend all of their time yelling at one another. The Lints who we see very little of because they, apparently, have no personality arrive second followed closely by the Bransons.

The Gagems become the primary focus. Little Twee, pictured at right, explains to her Dad that winners never quit and quitters never win.

The Weaver family beats the Gagem family to the mat and, as Phil tells them that they are still in the race, the sun shining over the Pacific waves begins to flicker and dim. The Gagems, on their way to the mat talk about how beautiful the scenery is. They will be going back on vacation. Then Phil tells them that they have been eliminated from the race. The sun dims for the last time, and as the parents tell the kids what a good job they’ve done, our brave little Twee struggles to hold back the tears. As Phil insists on talking to the nine year old about how she lost, she can’t hold back the tears.
DAMN YOU PHIL! DAMN YOU BRUCK! You made the little girl cry!! You made the baby Jesus cry!!!

The crass bastards provide more promotions: The TAR talk show where we can talk to the eliminated, forcing more pain and suffering on the little girl. HAVE YOU NO HEART, BRUCK ??? An hysterical pregnant woman and FEAR for OnStar. A warm family around a dinner table filmed with golden light for Pillsbury crescent rolls. Flying cheeseburgers for Wendy’s. Those talking heads again for BP. They need a heavy dose of STFU. Shrieking and Mandy Patemkin for Criminal Minds followed by more shrieking and "schoolgirl suspects" for CSI: Someplace Else. Hey, I just realized that we're sneaking into a sweeps month. No wonder everything is about sex and fear. More shrieking, the Statue of Liberty, Tour Eiffel and Arc de Triumphe backlit with raging winds for something called Category 7: The End of the World. Hard to see many sequal possibilities in that one, although they clearly focus on the French.

Next week on The Amazing Race: (It is, of course, impossible to see how the Race can even continue after the horribleness that was this week, but I digress.) Mr. Paolo tries to drown. Mr. Branson gets pissed off at his daughters. They're just a bucket of surprises. But as you tune in next week, and I know you will, just remember that these are the people who make little girls cry, for ratings, and are happy about it. See? See Bruck smile? I can only suggest that you look at baby pandas until you remember that there is still cute in the world.

A huge thank you to Wheezy and TJ for graphics help. Carissa crying courtesy of TJ.

¶ 11:18 AM