Monday, December 05, 2005
Episode Nine: The Neverfuckingending Story
by Kimmah
You know how sometimes a good thing just drags on and on until you just want to kick it death and watch it die a quick, yet painful death? You know, sort of like Friends? This is what The Amazing Race Family Edition, Final Four is becoming. This group of people will NOT go away. The four most nerve-grating teams in the history of reality television and they are STILL ON MY TELEVISION this week. Why? Why? Why? And, in a cruel twist of fate...well. I'll tell you that part in a minute.
Last week on TAR, Jesus Mama and the Holy Roller Kids were saved by the Phil at the mat with a non-elimination leg because everyone knows that God loves a whiner. Around the world, good Christians threw their Bibles at the televisions and and cursed Jerry Bruckheimer as the most religiously offensive family on network t.v. managed to salvage another week in the spotlight that is TAR 8. I threw up a little in my mouth at the sight of them blathering about their goodness. Smack them already, Phil. You know you want to.
Have you checked out the link on CBS's page where you can see Phil's own photos? I did because I didn't have any pictures to help make this summary interesting. I have to say, I'm impressed with Phil's ability to take pictures of himself?!
Phil at the ranch:
This week's episode begins with the teams going to Park City High School--who said that this season was boring? High school is FUN, folks. That's my kind of excitement!!! /end pathetic attempt at perkiness. The Linzes--who I thought were the Lintzes all this time--are the first to leave. They find out that they will be helping a team inflate a hot air balloon. This will be no problem for them since they are nothing if not chock effing full of hot air. They are visibily glad that there will be no academics involved in this leg of the race, although frankly, it isn't as if they were in any real danger of being smoked by the other teams. This has to be 16 of the dimmest people ever gathered together in SUVs.
Oh, look, clouds! Thanks, Phil!
The first three teams all arrive at the high school and get to camp out at the school, thinking that they are going to have some advantage over the team that was A. yielded and B. in last place and C. nearly eliminated oh, and D. has no money. Bwahahahahahahaha. This is The Amazing Race. There is no penalty for being last, not when there is a prime opportunity for bunching to occur and that is exactly what happens, even though hot air balloons can easily launch at 5 a.m. Mama Weaver, ever the Christian good sport, taunts the crowd as she arrives, asking the Lintzes if they are sorry that they wasted their yield. Nothing like raving in the manner of a banshee to bond with the other racers. The woman is about three inches from the precipice of insanity. Make that two.
The Lint family gets to inflate their balloon first, for all the good that does. The other teams quickly follow and soon the Bransen family is in the air with the Lints. And then they are a little TOO close to the Lints as they manage to nearly have a mid-air collision with them. You can see how that would happen, what with only the wide-open sky for them to try to manuever around in and all. Sadly, they all survive and no one is dashed to the ground in a spectacular crashing fireball. That? would have put the Amazing back in TAR. None of the Weavers are thrown from their balloon, either, despite Rolly being dragged a bit on takeoff and a jolt or two that had me giddy with excitement and a landing on a steep hill where they manage to degondola safely. The teams read "clues" and learn that they have to find the oh-so-exciting Heber Valley Railway in Heber City.
Excuse me while I take a nap during the most boring "race" ever. I can't believe they even get away with calling this The Amazing Race. Where the hell is the FCC? Race implies excitement. A race implies competition. Amazing implies things that amaze or awe. The only word in the title that isn't false advertising is the. This show is most definitely THE. The shit. The suckiest reality show on CBS. The saddest decline of a once-great show in reality television history.
From Phil--a picture of barbed wire. Evidently they don't have that in his land of man boobs and sweaters.
Anyway, back to the monotony of four groups of incompetent related people stumbling around the American West looking for boring things to do while being filmed. Oh, look, in Heber City, it's a Detour. A Detour is a choice between two tasks.
One of them will make people sweat, the other will require luck and someone to fuck Phil off camera in order to make things go their way (example, Mama Weaver and the magic red bean or the Black Jack hand). This Detour involved building 20-feet of railroad track (cue I've Been Working on the Railroad) or lugging 400 pounds of coal to fill up a steam engine. The track building emphasizes precision. The coal task empasizes brawn. Evidently, this day was opposites day in TAR land--maybe the high altitude was affecting brains or something--because the Lints decided to do the precision task despite being much better suited for all things brawny, as did the Godeshuthefuckups and the Bransens. The Weavers chose the coal task despite being much better suited for all...oh, well, I guess they were really fifty/fifty, weren't they?
Train Art a la Phil:
The Lints set to work building as do the others, while Mama Jesus and her disciples haul coal. The Holy crew comes up with a rather efficient relay system, which is impressive from a group that didn't know Pennsylvania was a state. The railbuilders are less effective. The Lints complete their task, but it doesn't pass inspection. Meanwhile, Team Bransen is being led by Daddy Wally who is better a swinging a sledgehammer than he has been at any other physical endeavor thus far. My hope that he would bash someone in the face doesn't happen, but one of the Bransen Look-Alike sisters does get bonked on the head, which is always good for a laugh. Unfortunately, they are able to soldier on with their task, so we are left with four teams. The Weavers are kicking ass and taking names, in a Christian manner, of course, and they manage to finish their task and pass the Godeshutthefuckups. This group of Look-Alike-Sisters is the biggest clusterfuck of females I've ever seen assembled in one family unit. How the hell have they managed not to get run over, lost, or fall into a crevass yet? It is their luck that they weren't sent off to India or China or some "real" foreign country, or they'd all still be lost over there. As usual, they bicker and fuss and fight during their task. I don't even pretend to know which sister this one is, but I think her overall deameanor speaks for itself. This woman is a walking disaster.
They cannot agree on how to complete their task, so they snipe. And bitch. And complain. And fight. Somewhere, a corportate sponsor paid money to put this shit on the air. They finally finish their task and get in the car, where they still fight and one of them whines some more and then the tears come in. I hate this group almost as much, no, actually more, than I do the Weavers. At least the Weavers are 3/4 children.
Please take a moment to appreciate Phil's artistic side. Perhaps someone had to take a pee break on the side of the road? Or maybe Phil thought that the reflectors looked pretty? Who knows:
The teams are told to drive to Salt Flats (I'm not even going to pretend like they were looking for a "clue"). Once there, they found the Tree of Utah and then were told to drive 400 more miles to Bear Lake. Teams would be departing from the Lake the next morning at 15 minute intervals--can you say "contrived bunching TAR style?" Why, yes, yes you can.
The next morning, the teams get up and get ready to go, but the Lints family is screwed by CBS. Their vehicle's battery has been drained. Not by any fault of one of the dumbass Lints brothers or the sister. Not because someone accidently left the light on in the back of the SUV. Nope. It is drained due to a CBS production error. This throws the Lints family from FIRST to FOURTH. As far as I am concerned, The Amazing Race is now officially over. It is bad enough that inept, shitty teams schelp around the United States pretending to look for "clues" in some faux "race", but when Bubba the cameraman juices up his equipment and as a result penalizes one of the teams and the team isn't given any compensation for something that is totally and completely not their fault for no reason other than I suppose it will add drama to the show? Fuck that. TAR, you SUCK. This show is stupid.
Photo break because my nerves need to be soothed--here is a road courtesy of Phil. No idea where it is or why the foliage is so out of focus.
Because I have a job to do, I'll tell you the rest, but please note the underlying tone of pissed offedness from here on out:
The teams get to the next fucking stop where they are faced with a stupid Roadblock that uses the inane phrase Cowboy Up, which I am tired to death of hearing and would venture to guess not one stinking soul on the TAR staff has ever used correctly since they evidently suck ass.
Even Phil knows this is a lameass challenge. Look how uninspired this photo is:
Two members from each team have to ride a damn horse and herd six cattle 1/4 of a mile. This challenge sucks, too, like most of the show. Where are the broken donkeys or balancing pots on your head? When the teams finish the "challenge", they are given what the TAR producers think is a clue. They've really stretched their brains on this one. "I'm Old and I'm Faithful." I swear to God, it is as if this shit is being produced for third graders. The task that they have to complete at Old Faithful is mind-boggling in its sheer stupidity. Keep in mind, this show is called The Amazing Race. They had to put a minimum age on the contestants because they didn't want anyone to get hurt doing the challenges or anything. Fuck. For the next leg, the teams will:
GO WATCH OLD FAITHFUL ERUPT.
I shit you not, folks. This is what the once mighty TAR, winner of Emmys has been reduced to. Go watch a geyser erupt. And not one that you might have to wait around on or do any sort of hunting for. Oh, no. Go stand around and watch the geyser that erupts like clockwork every 90 minutes. You can find it even without the stupid red and yellow flags because there are signs, sidewalks and national park guides to take you there. If you miss them, the throngs of people will surely lead you there. The only difficult thing about the entire stupid task will be suffering through the smell because Old Faithful smells like ass. This is not one of Phil's photos, but it did come to mind when I thought of "smells like ass" for some reason.
The Weavers were in the lead leaving the horsey challenge because the girls were so used to riding things. On their way out, they have a little power struggle with the Lints family because only one team can use the road at a time. The Weavers are outbound and the Lints are inbound. The rules give the Weavers the right of way, much to their delight. I have to admit is at least a little bit entertaining because it breaks the monotony, but it's also infuriating because the Lints family shouldn't be last due to a cameraman's fault. I don't like them well enough to really get too mad about it for them personally, though. I'm still seething about it from a show standpoint, though.
The Weavers arrived at the park first and despite 134 different indicators that I mentioned previously, these dumbasses had to ask someone to take them to the geyser. *bang head repeatedly* They watched Old Faithful with the Bransens and I half expected Mama Weaver to tell her children this was the Statue of Liberty since she has such a keen grasp of key American points of interest. The two teams haul ass to find Phil, but then, the unthinkable happens. When they arrive, they are told to step on the mat TOGETHER.
WTF???
Remember when I started this godawful summary and I ranted about the fact that something never end? Well, this leg of the race is NEVER going to end. Ever. It's a double leg! Aren't you glad? Aren't you happy? Yet again, another week of four families racing across this great nation. Woot! Do you realize that a team hasn't been eliminated since, like Halloween? Actually, it was November 8, which was practically Halloween. We were all still eating Halloween candy. It will be FOUR weeks between eliminations...unless they decide to drag this out again, God forbid. So, I bid you farewell with the follwig picture of the whiney sister. Her expression pretty much sums up how I feel about the show at this point:
¶ 12:10 AM 
You know how sometimes a good thing just drags on and on until you just want to kick it death and watch it die a quick, yet painful death? You know, sort of like Friends? This is what The Amazing Race Family Edition, Final Four is becoming. This group of people will NOT go away. The four most nerve-grating teams in the history of reality television and they are STILL ON MY TELEVISION this week. Why? Why? Why? And, in a cruel twist of fate...well. I'll tell you that part in a minute.
Last week on TAR, Jesus Mama and the Holy Roller Kids were saved by the Phil at the mat with a non-elimination leg because everyone knows that God loves a whiner. Around the world, good Christians threw their Bibles at the televisions and and cursed Jerry Bruckheimer as the most religiously offensive family on network t.v. managed to salvage another week in the spotlight that is TAR 8. I threw up a little in my mouth at the sight of them blathering about their goodness. Smack them already, Phil. You know you want to.
Have you checked out the link on CBS's page where you can see Phil's own photos? I did because I didn't have any pictures to help make this summary interesting. I have to say, I'm impressed with Phil's ability to take pictures of himself?!
Phil at the ranch:
This week's episode begins with the teams going to Park City High School--who said that this season was boring? High school is FUN, folks. That's my kind of excitement!!! /end pathetic attempt at perkiness. The Linzes--who I thought were the Lintzes all this time--are the first to leave. They find out that they will be helping a team inflate a hot air balloon. This will be no problem for them since they are nothing if not chock effing full of hot air. They are visibily glad that there will be no academics involved in this leg of the race, although frankly, it isn't as if they were in any real danger of being smoked by the other teams. This has to be 16 of the dimmest people ever gathered together in SUVs.
Oh, look, clouds! Thanks, Phil!
The first three teams all arrive at the high school and get to camp out at the school, thinking that they are going to have some advantage over the team that was A. yielded and B. in last place and C. nearly eliminated oh, and D. has no money. Bwahahahahahahaha. This is The Amazing Race. There is no penalty for being last, not when there is a prime opportunity for bunching to occur and that is exactly what happens, even though hot air balloons can easily launch at 5 a.m. Mama Weaver, ever the Christian good sport, taunts the crowd as she arrives, asking the Lintzes if they are sorry that they wasted their yield. Nothing like raving in the manner of a banshee to bond with the other racers. The woman is about three inches from the precipice of insanity. Make that two.
The Lint family gets to inflate their balloon first, for all the good that does. The other teams quickly follow and soon the Bransen family is in the air with the Lints. And then they are a little TOO close to the Lints as they manage to nearly have a mid-air collision with them. You can see how that would happen, what with only the wide-open sky for them to try to manuever around in and all. Sadly, they all survive and no one is dashed to the ground in a spectacular crashing fireball. That? would have put the Amazing back in TAR. None of the Weavers are thrown from their balloon, either, despite Rolly being dragged a bit on takeoff and a jolt or two that had me giddy with excitement and a landing on a steep hill where they manage to degondola safely. The teams read "clues" and learn that they have to find the oh-so-exciting Heber Valley Railway in Heber City.
Excuse me while I take a nap during the most boring "race" ever. I can't believe they even get away with calling this The Amazing Race. Where the hell is the FCC? Race implies excitement. A race implies competition. Amazing implies things that amaze or awe. The only word in the title that isn't false advertising is the. This show is most definitely THE. The shit. The suckiest reality show on CBS. The saddest decline of a once-great show in reality television history.
From Phil--a picture of barbed wire. Evidently they don't have that in his land of man boobs and sweaters.
Anyway, back to the monotony of four groups of incompetent related people stumbling around the American West looking for boring things to do while being filmed. Oh, look, in Heber City, it's a Detour. A Detour is a choice between two tasks.
One of them will make people sweat, the other will require luck and someone to fuck Phil off camera in order to make things go their way (example, Mama Weaver and the magic red bean or the Black Jack hand). This Detour involved building 20-feet of railroad track (cue I've Been Working on the Railroad) or lugging 400 pounds of coal to fill up a steam engine. The track building emphasizes precision. The coal task empasizes brawn. Evidently, this day was opposites day in TAR land--maybe the high altitude was affecting brains or something--because the Lints decided to do the precision task despite being much better suited for all things brawny, as did the Godeshuthefuckups and the Bransens. The Weavers chose the coal task despite being much better suited for all...oh, well, I guess they were really fifty/fifty, weren't they?
Train Art a la Phil:
The Lints set to work building as do the others, while Mama Jesus and her disciples haul coal. The Holy crew comes up with a rather efficient relay system, which is impressive from a group that didn't know Pennsylvania was a state. The railbuilders are less effective. The Lints complete their task, but it doesn't pass inspection. Meanwhile, Team Bransen is being led by Daddy Wally who is better a swinging a sledgehammer than he has been at any other physical endeavor thus far. My hope that he would bash someone in the face doesn't happen, but one of the Bransen Look-Alike sisters does get bonked on the head, which is always good for a laugh. Unfortunately, they are able to soldier on with their task, so we are left with four teams. The Weavers are kicking ass and taking names, in a Christian manner, of course, and they manage to finish their task and pass the Godeshutthefuckups. This group of Look-Alike-Sisters is the biggest clusterfuck of females I've ever seen assembled in one family unit. How the hell have they managed not to get run over, lost, or fall into a crevass yet? It is their luck that they weren't sent off to India or China or some "real" foreign country, or they'd all still be lost over there. As usual, they bicker and fuss and fight during their task. I don't even pretend to know which sister this one is, but I think her overall deameanor speaks for itself. This woman is a walking disaster.
They cannot agree on how to complete their task, so they snipe. And bitch. And complain. And fight. Somewhere, a corportate sponsor paid money to put this shit on the air. They finally finish their task and get in the car, where they still fight and one of them whines some more and then the tears come in. I hate this group almost as much, no, actually more, than I do the Weavers. At least the Weavers are 3/4 children.
Please take a moment to appreciate Phil's artistic side. Perhaps someone had to take a pee break on the side of the road? Or maybe Phil thought that the reflectors looked pretty? Who knows:
The teams are told to drive to Salt Flats (I'm not even going to pretend like they were looking for a "clue"). Once there, they found the Tree of Utah and then were told to drive 400 more miles to Bear Lake. Teams would be departing from the Lake the next morning at 15 minute intervals--can you say "contrived bunching TAR style?" Why, yes, yes you can.
The next morning, the teams get up and get ready to go, but the Lints family is screwed by CBS. Their vehicle's battery has been drained. Not by any fault of one of the dumbass Lints brothers or the sister. Not because someone accidently left the light on in the back of the SUV. Nope. It is drained due to a CBS production error. This throws the Lints family from FIRST to FOURTH. As far as I am concerned, The Amazing Race is now officially over. It is bad enough that inept, shitty teams schelp around the United States pretending to look for "clues" in some faux "race", but when Bubba the cameraman juices up his equipment and as a result penalizes one of the teams and the team isn't given any compensation for something that is totally and completely not their fault for no reason other than I suppose it will add drama to the show? Fuck that. TAR, you SUCK. This show is stupid.
Photo break because my nerves need to be soothed--here is a road courtesy of Phil. No idea where it is or why the foliage is so out of focus.
Because I have a job to do, I'll tell you the rest, but please note the underlying tone of pissed offedness from here on out:
The teams get to the next fucking stop where they are faced with a stupid Roadblock that uses the inane phrase Cowboy Up, which I am tired to death of hearing and would venture to guess not one stinking soul on the TAR staff has ever used correctly since they evidently suck ass.
Even Phil knows this is a lameass challenge. Look how uninspired this photo is:
Two members from each team have to ride a damn horse and herd six cattle 1/4 of a mile. This challenge sucks, too, like most of the show. Where are the broken donkeys or balancing pots on your head? When the teams finish the "challenge", they are given what the TAR producers think is a clue. They've really stretched their brains on this one. "I'm Old and I'm Faithful." I swear to God, it is as if this shit is being produced for third graders. The task that they have to complete at Old Faithful is mind-boggling in its sheer stupidity. Keep in mind, this show is called The Amazing Race. They had to put a minimum age on the contestants because they didn't want anyone to get hurt doing the challenges or anything. Fuck. For the next leg, the teams will:
GO WATCH OLD FAITHFUL ERUPT.
I shit you not, folks. This is what the once mighty TAR, winner of Emmys has been reduced to. Go watch a geyser erupt. And not one that you might have to wait around on or do any sort of hunting for. Oh, no. Go stand around and watch the geyser that erupts like clockwork every 90 minutes. You can find it even without the stupid red and yellow flags because there are signs, sidewalks and national park guides to take you there. If you miss them, the throngs of people will surely lead you there. The only difficult thing about the entire stupid task will be suffering through the smell because Old Faithful smells like ass. This is not one of Phil's photos, but it did come to mind when I thought of "smells like ass" for some reason.
The Weavers were in the lead leaving the horsey challenge because the girls were so used to riding things. On their way out, they have a little power struggle with the Lints family because only one team can use the road at a time. The Weavers are outbound and the Lints are inbound. The rules give the Weavers the right of way, much to their delight. I have to admit is at least a little bit entertaining because it breaks the monotony, but it's also infuriating because the Lints family shouldn't be last due to a cameraman's fault. I don't like them well enough to really get too mad about it for them personally, though. I'm still seething about it from a show standpoint, though.
The Weavers arrived at the park first and despite 134 different indicators that I mentioned previously, these dumbasses had to ask someone to take them to the geyser. *bang head repeatedly* They watched Old Faithful with the Bransens and I half expected Mama Weaver to tell her children this was the Statue of Liberty since she has such a keen grasp of key American points of interest. The two teams haul ass to find Phil, but then, the unthinkable happens. When they arrive, they are told to step on the mat TOGETHER.
WTF???
Remember when I started this godawful summary and I ranted about the fact that something never end? Well, this leg of the race is NEVER going to end. Ever. It's a double leg! Aren't you glad? Aren't you happy? Yet again, another week of four families racing across this great nation. Woot! Do you realize that a team hasn't been eliminated since, like Halloween? Actually, it was November 8, which was practically Halloween. We were all still eating Halloween candy. It will be FOUR weeks between eliminations...unless they decide to drag this out again, God forbid. So, I bid you farewell with the follwig picture of the whiney sister. Her expression pretty much sums up how I feel about the show at this point:
¶ 12:10 AM
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