The Amazing Race 9, Episode 3: Whiners, Shitheads and

Daggum Morons by: Beannie

(First, let me apologize for the very lateness of this entry. Real Life really got in the way this week. Secondly, let me apologize for the ridiculous horridness of what is to follow. I am pms’ing and am out of my special medicine, so nothing seems funny to me today.)

Last time, on the Amazing Race, 10 teams journeyed through the apparently “Spanish-speaking” Brazil, Jeremy & Eric grabbed ass, giving us all a collective case of the willies, and led the pack with the weirdest duo ever to grace the race, BJ & Tyler. Teams struggled with bad karma (Fran & Barry) and worse partners (Michelle & Lake), and the foul-mouthed, god-fearing Lisa & Joni were sent packing, much to my chagrin. There was a lot of material in those over-sized, never-shutting-the-fuck-up ladies, I’ll tell you whut.

First to depart from Brotas, Brazil at 4:48 am are BJ & Tyler, representing the great unwashed with a penchant for orange pants. They explain that they think the other teams now see that they are not just the crazy, happy-go-lucky hippies running around naked all the time. Can you say thank god for small favors? Too goofy to describe doing them any justice, I will just call them Shaggy & Scooby, and leave it at that.

The teams must figure out how to travel a whole THREE miles to engage in the skill-intensive task of riding a zipline. Good Christmas. Has there been a race yet of the 9 where there hasn’t been a zipline? Fine, a nice way to see the scenery of a foreign land. But so is a guided fucking bustour, but neither makes for a very exciting “race.” Of course, you can’t see the tops of the trees in the dark, so the ride, er, task doesn’t open til 7 am, a good two hours later. Thus, Scooby 7 Shaggy amuse themselves by jumping in front of the approaching cars and scaring the bejeezus out of several teams arriving behind them.

Next to depart are skeezebags Eric & Jeremy. If these lazy ass, do-nothing pieces of turd win this race, so help me … oh, I don’t know what, but if God got the Weavers to the final three in the last installment, surely he can exercise some muscle and eliminate these guys before I contract a veneral disease just watching them. They would so fuck a corpse, you know they would. So foul are they, and so concerned with getting laid and earning cash for playing around their whole lives, I have dubbed them “Team RonJeremy.”

Joseph & Monica are the third to depart. Bland. Beautiful but bland. Nothing else to say. They have named themselves MoJo, I call the “HoHum.”

Next comes my favorite team of all fucking time, the Dorknamic Duo – Dave & Lori, the overweight, bespectacled dorky lovers, who remind me of half of my college Freshman Honors Dorm. So sweet and oh so socially unacceptable, they prove the old adage that beauty ain’t everything. They are so truly in love with each other and the opportunity to travel the world together, I can’t help but love them to death. Ok, so I wouldn’t fuck either of them, but I would ask them for help with my science project and laugh with them the whole damn time.

Ray & Yolanda, the requisite long-distance dating couple, are next. Ray hopes to learn something about Yolanda he hasn’t in the FIVE years they’ve been together, but apart. Five years, people. If you haven’t had the urge to get closer yet, I’d call it on account of lack of interest. They obviously packed light by leaving their sense of humor behind in the states. If they’ve smiled yet this race, I musta blinked and missed it. But, otoh, failure to smile will prevent wrinkles and they are damn fine-looking for miserable people. Team Sourpuss. Bleh.

Starting in sixth place, nearly 2 hours behind the first team, is the mother-daughter duo of Wanda & Desiree, who could easily pass for sisters, if’n you don’t look too close. These Latino beauties are the stuff of just about every teen’s wet dreams. Damn Fester stole my nickname for them, so I’m stealing it back. Team Spanglish. Desiree notes that her mom has a tendency to overreact the tense situations and can imagine things to be worse than they are. Foreshadow much??

Seven o’clock finally rolls around and the first 6 teams jog to the starting place for the zipline. Shaggy & Scooby demonstrate why potheads aren’t allowed in the armed forces, singing “I don’t know what I’ve been told, zip kinds (the stoner version of the Freudian slip), zip lines, uh …” The teams get outfitter by their riggers, and Dorknamic Dave gives me a good giggle as he wriggles into his harness.

Cut to Lake & Michelle, married couple from somewhere they speak some type of Bavarian English, because I can only understand every third word. He waxes hillbilly about being glad Michelle hasn’t slowed him down too much. Lake is a misnomer. While he may feel Superior, he is so full of hillbilly hubris, he much more akin to pond scum. Between his berating and her sitting and taking it, they simply don’t deserve a nickname. Michelle reads the arrow and says turn right, Lake turns left and tells her to STFU. When he realizes he’s lost, he pitches a hissy and wonders aloud that “we don’t know the first turn out of the damn gate.” If looks could kill, Michelle’s facing a life sentence without parole.

Danielle and Danni are next. Which is which? No one knows and no one cares. They plan to use, in this order, their hearts, then bodies, then boobs. They completely leave out the thought of using their brains, guaranteeing their success in the race. With the big eyes and even bigger boobs, these girls are Bratz dolls come to life.

Shaggy’s the first down the zipline and manages to figure out its intricacies. Gosh, I hope the other teams are taking notes. Scooby follows and they receive their next clue – fly to Moscow, Russia! Find Chaika Bassein to get the next clue. For some reason, the guys get very excited about the fact that they need to get to the bus station and claim a departure time to Sao Paolo airport, so they celebrate with a painful headbutt and a few “tatows,” which Scooby explains is the source of their power and the circle of the universe. I have no idea if this is a real word or how to spell it, but I am pretty sure, given the reverence with which they say it, it means a three foot long sub they can eat in two gulping bites.

Team Ron Jeremy navigates the treacherous zip line next and manage not to make a sexual reference. Joseph and Monica follow. Ho-hum.

As the first teams are leaving, Spanglish, Team Sourpuss and the Bratz are arriving. Lake & Michelle are still lost, and Lake stands atop the care to get a better view of the middle of nowhere.

Finally, at 8:24, married Seniors Fran & Barrry depart the pitstop. Now, I know it can sometimes be tough for the older teams to keep up with the young & the fit, but these two are certainly not making it any easier on themselves. Leg one, Fran decides that since she’s handy, she can put together a motorcycle. She was wrong. Leg two, they decide to scale a rock wall rather than make ethanol from sugar cane. They suck at that too. Of course, the car battery dying on them at the end of that leg wasn’t technically their fault, but it couldn’t have happened to a more derving couple. And each and every time, they lament their bad fortune and are ready to throw in the towel. I call them Team Woe is Me. As they take off for the dreaded zipline, Fran announces they are hot to trot. I shiver and have a nasty flashback of a night at Grandma and Grandpas when I innocently walked into their bedroom to get ask for a glass of water and burnt out my retnas at the site of naked writhing wrinkle sacs. And no, I am not sorry I put that image into your heads. Hell, if I had to live it, you can hear it described.

Team Sourpuss takes the zipline and almost smiles, but not quite. Yet Desiree is all smiles, despite the fact she announces to the viewing public that she is about the pee her pants, and the pair make it across the harrowing ravine.

Shaggy & Scooby are the first to the bus station and grab a seat on the 9:15 bus with RonJeremy, HoHum and the Dorknamic Duo. Well, I sure am glad the teams out in front get to keep their lead this time. I mean, forty-five minutes ought to be plenty of time to book a great flight to Moscow from Brazil and leaving the trailing teams in the dust, right?

Lake and Michelle finally complete their three mile, hour long ride to the zipline. Upon learning their destination, Lake remarks “Daggumit, I was hoping we wouldn’t have to go to Russia.” Geez, I hope they got their commie innoculation before they went on this trip.

Back at the bus depot, Ron Jeremy and the Bratz, who get on the 10:00 am bus with teams Sourpuss and Spanglish, flirt while a porn riff is playing in the background. At least the producers have a sense of humor. The girls talk about how much they enjoyed “spending time” with these two sleeziods at the last pitstop, confirming their plan not to use their brains on this race.

On the way to the bus depot, Michelle confirms to Lake that the clue is not magic and still says Moscow, Russia, at which time he tells her not to be ugly to him because he’s treated her so daggum nice so far. Michelle almost leaves the clue bag behind in the car and gets chastised once again by Lake. Good thing he’s not being ugly to her. Apparently, “shut up, Bitch” is just a pet name.

Long after they other teams are en route to the airport, Fran and Barry arrive at the bus depot to discover they are the only team on the last bus. They cringe, they “Oh God,” they wonder if this is the end, my friend.

One by one, every fucking team gets tickets on the same flight to Moscow, via Frankfurt, Germany. The Bratz defy their strategy and actually have the foresight to ask a Russian traveler to write down some handy Russian words for them, then immediately share their advantage with RonJeremy. I then witness Dani(elle?) getting her hat stolen and hair mussed by Scuz #1, the exact same behavior that got my 9 year old son sent to the principal last week.

7300 hundred miles later, every fucking team arrives in Moscow at the same time. They hop cabs to Chaka Bassein. Like good little communists, pooling their resources for the common good, Dave & Lori and HoHum share a taxi, as do the Bratz and RonJeremy. And who says these racers have no appreciation for foreign cultures. Oh, never mind, Monica explains all she knows about Russian culture, glean from action-adventure films, no doubt – they smoke and drink a lot.

Oh, by the way, it’s cold. So cold just about every team has to comment on the fact that it’s fucking cold outside in Russia.

Roadblock at Chaka Bassein – Who wants to “Take the Plunge?” The chosen person must jump from a 10 meter platform and swim under water to retrieve the next clue. Unfortunately for them, Teams Sourpuss and Spanglish must have gotten clues written in Russian, because they assign the task to the partner who can’t even fucking swim. Michelle doesn’t want to do it, because she might have to get naked in front of the Russians.

Shaggy jumps, and Barry jumps. The men have donned provided speedos and each time we are subjected to the most unfortunate of camera angles – the underwater crotch-cam. Yeah, ok guys, we know, it’s very very cold out there. Uh huh. Whatever you say.

Yolanda climbs to her certain death as Ray asks something he’s been dying to know about her for the past five years – can she doggie paddle? The concern is underwhelming. Yolanda stutters a few times and then jumps and splashes down as ominous music accompanies her whining, sobbing, dog-paddlin’ ass to the clue. Hey, this isn’t survivor, people, you don’t have to take turns sitting out the roadblocks. Surely, one of the upcoming roadblocks would more fit her talents – a frown-off in Nepal for instance?

Lake, Eric (?) (I still don’t know which is which and I am afraid to look too close to find out, seeing as I don’t have a barf bag handy) and Danielle jump. RonJeremy saves their cab to share with the Bratz and tell the driver to wait for the two girls with the big boobies. In case the driver doesn’t understand the nuances of the English language, they use hand signals to describe them. I throw up a little in my mouth. And I wonder, do these girls have a different impression of the boys with the sex-addled brains upon viewing this from home? And will Eric or Jeremy ever get a date again?

Monica jumps. As bad a fashion choice the Speedos were for the men, the women’s selection was worse, because it meant Monica didn’t get to jump in this outfit:



which for once and for all dispells the notion that Barbie was impossibly proportioned.

Wanda is the last to jump. And she was the obvious choice of the two, seeing as diving underwater is her.greatest.fear.in.the.world. She jumps no problem, but flips the fuck out when she has to dive 5 feet under to get the clue. She sobs uncontrollably that “I can’t make myself go down!” At first I thought “what a ridiculous thing to say,” then I remembered I said pretty much the same thing to the mister last Saturday night. Ok, having share too much, let’s move on, shall we?

Scooby & Shaggy arrive at the beautiful (I missed the name of it) Cathedral to get their next clue.

Detour – Choose between these two impossible tasks

Scrub: Search endlessly for a trolley park known only to three cab drivers in the entire city and wash a filthy trolley that’s been carting filthy disgusting Russians around filthy disgusting Moscow and wait for the results of the tox screen to come back negative before receiving your next clue …

Or Scour – Search through 1500 Russian Matrioshka Nesting Dolls for one of ten microscopic clues – without a microscope even! Not only are there just gazillions of those dolls, this task requires the teams to be surrounded by beclogged twirling dancers who might last about five minutes in the room with me before I strangle their brightly-clad asses. The only thing worse than this insipid detour is if they have to open all those fucking dolls to find Charla reading their next clue. (Hat tip to Estee for the image)

So in love with the thought of sitting on RonJeremy’s lap in the cab, the Bratz forget their clue bag – passports, money, clues and all – back at the Roadblock. They alight from the shared cab to make their way back as RonJeremy bemoan the fact that the girls’ stupidity might cost the guys a quality shag at the next pitstop.

At just about the same time, RonJeremy, Fran & Barry, Lake & Michelle & the Sourpusses arrive at the Cathedral. Michelle reminds Lake there is no running in this sacred place, so he naturally bolts for the clue box at full tilt. Team Sourpuss picks the Matrioshka, and RonJeremy and Micelle & Lake follow them blindly, thinking they are heading to “scour.” I mean, the black couple has to be going to scrub something, don’t they?

Back at Chaika Bassein, Desiree wells up with tears as her mother finally conquers her greatest fear of diving 5 feet under water. Just as they are leaving, the Bratz return for their clue bag, which has been sitting in the locker room for quite a long time untouched. Sounds like the Russian economy is on the up-tick, as the bag wasn’t stolen by some filthy Russian in need of cigarettes and vodka.

Scooby & Shaggy and Team Woe is Me picked the wrong cabbies, get lost looking for the apparently non-existent Trolley park, give up and head to the site of the great nesting doll massacre of 2006. Beating them there are the Sourpusses, RonJeremy and Michelle & Lake, who get bitchslapped by the Sourpusses when they complain about the shitty detour Ray & Yolanda led them to. “Pick your own damn detour,” Yolanda growls. I smile. She doesn’t.

Team Spanglish and Team Bratz arrive at the Catherdral for the clue, and the Latino lovelies choose the trolleys, as Wanda is a self-proclaimed cleaning pro. Let’s just hope the trolleys aren’t at the bottom of a pool. The Bratz don’t ask their cab to wait, and then whine as they try to hail another that their hearts aren’t getting them a cab. Had they been using their brains, they’d have realized the boobies might have worked. They finally find a cab parked at the curb around the corner and are off to the trolley park.

Back at the dolls, RonJeremy and Lake & Michelle luck into their not-so-microscopic, but definitely tiny, clues which tell them to search Red Square behind St. Basile’s Catherdral for Phil. Oh, shit. Fuck me. No “Head to the pit stop,” no “last team to arrive …” Would ya look at the time. 10:55 pm. Bite me, bite me. You mean not a one of these stupid fucking teams is getting the axe tonight? I can name at least three who deserve the boot based on game play and two who should go on principle alone. We have enough stupid on the nightly news, now I have to watch all ten of these dumbass teams again next week? Cripes, more happens in the first 25 minutes of an American Idol elimination episode than this entire god-damned hour. Ptooey.

Dave & Lori and HoHum, who have been driving from what seems like dawn to dusk in search of the trolley park, finally find it. And it’s a scrub-off, with the teams sloshing soap and water over the trolleys. There is nothing whatsoever amusing about this and it’s dark so I am not sure how anyone can tell if these trolleys are clean, and now I am just waiting for the TBC, so fuck it, back to the dolls.

Fran and Barry arrive at the dolls as Team Sourpuss find their clue. Scooby and Shaggy aren’t far behind and the luck of the hippies is with them, as they seem to find theirs in record time. Ya know, I have thought since episode one that these two look familiar to me. I think I’ve finally placed them. I am 97% convince I bought a veggie burrito and a phatty dank gooball from them out the back of their VW bus at a Phish show once.

Team Woe is Me is heard to exclaim “If it’s not in that one, we’ll just give up, finished.” Barry tries to support his wife by telling her “It’s impossible.” I am not sure what these two expected on this race and not sure what they thought they could bring to it, but skill and entertainment are not among their strengths. Impossible isn’t even eating four pounds of meat or driving a double-decker bus through an obstacle course, and both of those were measurably harder than opening up and finite number of nesting dolls to find a clue. Tedious, maybe. Impossible, shut up you stupid whiny, morons. I? am not a fan.

RonJeremy and Lake & Michelle arrive at Red Square to look for Phil. Dayum, that place is HUGE. I wonder if Fran & Barry will think it’s impossible. RonJeremy arrives first, only to have Phil tell them the leg isn’t over and gives them their next clue.

Next time on the Amazing Race – Fran & Barry (who obviously do the impossible and find a fucking clue at the last detour) surprise us by struggling with the next one. Team Spanglish gets lost and bitch each other out, and hopefully someone named after a body of water crashes in a racecar.  ¶ 4:40 PM