What's So Amazing?
Thursday, April 20, 2006
Episode Eight: The One With The Easily Telegraphed Non-Elimination
By DweezePreviously on The Amazing Race: Wilbur is taken to the Zuckerman farm, where he will eventually be eaten. Charlotte the spider decides to help poor Wilbur by acting as if he can spell. Wilbur then saves the day by guiding the sheep through an award-winning performance at the border collie trials.
Wait. I may have mixed up some details there. And that certainly wasn’t The Amazing Race.
Previously on The Amazing Race: Eric and Jeremy went forward fast, BJ and Tyler went forward wrong, and Lake and Michelle went forward into the past. Or out of the race. Or both. Five teams are left – who will be eliminated next?
I can answer that one with relative certainty – no one, at least not tonight. We are seven episodes in, six teams are gone, and we have had no non-eliminations. An extended leg, yes. But a non-elim? No. We’ve got one coming tonight, I’d bet my, uhm, first season DVD set, on it.
Yes it’s predictable week here at Circle Of Industries, at least as far as the shows go. TAR is obviously a non-elim. The ending of this week’s Survivor has already been telegraphed in the promos. However, behind the scenes here at the Circle Of Compound, it’s been unpredictable. I wasn’t scheduled for any summaries this week, and now I am writing two. Yes, it’s double-dose of Dweeze week. Enjoy.
We open at the Fortress of Rion. She rings like a bell in the night, don’t you know. Eric and Jeremy are the first to leave, getting the clue that sends them to Muscat, Oman. You remember Muscat, don’t you? The Captain and Tenille sang about it.
Muscat Aziza, Muscat Faud
Do the Khaleegy down in Muscat land
And they shimmy
And Aziza’s so skinny
And they whirl and they twirl and raqs sharqi
Singing and playing rababa
Floating like the heavens above
Looks like Muscat love
But I digress. Everyone’s off to Oman, there to find a giant incense burner. The task is to find a giant stick of incense, place it in the burner, light it, and then smoke a giant doob while staring at a giant black light poster of the Keep On Trucking guy.
The clue also instructs our racers to go to a visitor’s center to sign up for one of two charter buses, either 9:00 am or 10:00 am. The frat boys get there first, and being the smart guys they are, sign up for the 9:00 am bus. In short order MoJo, RaYo, and FrBa arrive, also signing up for the first bus. Tyler and BJ are running way behind, however, and get to the visitors center as the first bus leaves. Though they yell at it to stop, it doesn’t. Kind of like with me and the Weasel Stepson. And with that, they are consigned to the
SECOND BUS OF DOOM!!!!!!!!!
The first bus arrives at the airport, and Fran and Barry are fist in line to get tickets. They get a flight to Oman that lands at 10:50 pm. Can you play spot the bunching? Can you say “giant incense burner” (or else store that sells giant incense stick) closed until 6:00/7:00/8:00 am? If you can’t, you haven’t been watching the show very much, have you?
The other teams arrive at the counter, and quickly book the same flight even though Fran and Barry made a point of not giving them any information.
Hello? I understand the Kimmah point of view that you shouldn’t be helping, but is it really such an advantage not to tell the people who are behind you in the queue at the ticket counter the time of the earliest flight? Is the ticket counter person not going to give them the exact same information in a minute? What are you achieving here?
We cut to the
SECOND BUS OF DOOM
where Tyler and BJ and the Bear are pretending that their fallen comrades are riding with them, once again displaying their vast knowledge of reality tv. If only they could throw their fallen comrades torches into the ocean! Oh well. They mock Lake and Michelle, say nice things about Dave and Lori, and insinuating that Dani and Danielle were dumb. Hard to believe, huh? They apparently have no words for the other three teams that fell, but who can blame them? I don’t remember them either.
BJ and the Bear and Tyler show up at the airport, going to the same counter as the other four teams. Although they ask what time the flight they are on gets in, the other four teams claim to not know. They then ask the booking agent, who tells them the earliest flight gets in at 10:50 but that it is full. The hippies then turn to the other four teams and say “Well, we found out what time your flight gets in – it’s 10:50.” The two are forced to take the
SECOND PLANE OF DOOM
which will not get in until 11:45 pm. Oh! The horrors!
So the flights take off, we get airplanes moving across a map, and we finally get teams arriving in Oman. Everyone comments on how pretty and clean it is, the cleanest place they have been. Take that you third world nations without mountainous oil revenues! The teams drive by a McDonald’s that looks like a temple, which seems strangely appropriate. And, as predicted, when they finally arrive at the giant incense burner, it is closed until morning. The teams all arrive and wait for morning.
Morning comes, the park opens, and everyone starts running. You know, I haven’t seen this many people running for an incense burner since that one time my Senior year in college when the cops knocked on the door. The teams get their next clue, which instructs them to go to Sur, with love, and find the ferry. They are given strict instructions, however, not to pay the ferry man. Indeed, they aren’t supposed to even fix a price until he gets them to the other side.
It’s a long and winding road to Sur, with love, and one that takes them through several flooded areas. Along the way the lead changes hands several times, mostly due to the fact that the people in front didn’t want to be in front. In other words, after the lack of information sharing in the airport, everyone decides to be polite. Or just to follow someone else. This behavior continues through the flooded areas, as teams allow others to go first in the hope that they will get stuck.
We get to the cluebox at the ferry. Tyler and the Bear and BJ, Fran and Barry, and MoJo get there at about the same time. The clue tells them that they are at tonight’s detour. Sing along with me, boys and girls!
A detour is a choice between two tasks
Between two tasks
Between two tasks
A detour is a choice between two tasks
Each with its own pros and cons!
Our detour choices are Camel or Watchtower. In Camel, teams have to smoke an entire carton of Camels in under fifteen minutes. If they are unable to do so, they have to start over. In Watchtower, teams are required to distribute Jehovah’s Witness literature for an hour.
Wait.
I’m thinking of something else.
In Camel, teams are required to lift a camel, place it in the back of a pick-up, and drive it to a Bedouin camp. In Watchtower, teams are required to sing the Dylan classic, I mean, search three nearby watchtowers until the find a scroll that will give them mystical powers. Or at least that they can trade with a man in a shop for a clue.
Now, everyone knows the first rule of detours is, when given a choice between carrying and finding, always choose carrying. And that was my first inclination here. However, there are some mitigating factors. First, the watchtowers are nearby, the camel loaders are a short walk away. Second, when you are finished with the watchtowers, you are still near the ferry. The camel tasks requires you to drive a distance away to deliver the camel. Finally, you can only cross back to your car when the ferry returns. This might be the rare exception where find makes more sense than carry.
The Bear, Tyler, and BJ, along with Fran and Barry and MoJo, cross the water on the ferry and then set off for the watchtowers. MoJo go to the first watchtower, the other two teams head towards the second. Meanwhile, Eric and Jeremy have crossed and headed off to raise the camel.
No, that’s not code.
There is no scroll in the first watchtower. Tyler and BJ and the Bear find one in the second, then tell Fran and Barry that there is another one inside. They also tell MoJo that there were only two scrolls in the second watchtower, meaning the remaining scrolls must be in the watchtower that seems about a mile away. BJ, the Bear, and Tyler, along with Fran and Barry, head back to the ferry stop.
MoJo stop to contemplate abandoning the watchtower task and doing the camel task.
Now, let’s think about this. At this point, they are about halfway between the watchtower and the ferry stop. There is, without a doubt, a scroll in the next watchtower. The distance to that watchtower is less than the distance back to the ferry stop plus the distance to the camel task. Given that, the logical thing to do would be to continue on to the watchtower, eschewing the camel task. At that point and at that distance, they are pot-committed to the watchtower task.
MoJo of course decide to give up watchtower and go to camel.
Meanwhile, back at the camel task, Eric and Jeremy have succeeding in lifting the camel and placing it in the truck.
No, that’s not code.
They set off looking for the Bedouin camp, not noticing as they drive right past their turn.
The first two teams have gotten to the ferry stop, crossed back over, and are heading to the shop to drop off the scroll. As they are driving, BJ shows a sketch he did of a camel. They get to the shop, turn in the scroll, and get a clue telling them to drive 80 miles to the village of Al Howareya.
MoJo are doing the camel task; well, Jo is doing the camel task. Mo is standing around cooing sweet nothings to the camel. As they drive off, they begin bickering again about whether or not they are lost. Mo things they are, Jo things they aren’t, a viewpoint proven correct when he finds the camp. Mo tells the camel they found it’s home, like there was no way the camel was getting there without them. As they drive back to the ferry with their clue, they see Eric and Jeremy off-roading in the distance. We go to commercial with the frat boys bemoaning the fact that they will probably end up dehydrated and dead in the desert. If the prospect of that doesn’t bring viewers back from commercial, I don’t know what will.
Commercial time, many national, a local one for Junge Motors. Now, as many of you know, I’ve gotten out of the summarizing commercials gig. Quite frankly, there are others who do it much better. I’m only mentioning Junge Motors because the bastards and I have a history.
It was late-2002. I got a call from a contact on the inside. Junge was looking to do some commercials for their used car dealership, and was I interested? Of course I said, what’s the part? Well, my contact explained, they are going for humor. Over the top humor. They want a sleazy used car salesman and a goofy mechanic. Sounds good, I said – I can play goofy. No, my contact explained. They had Mateo lined up for the goofy mechanic. We were thinking of you as the sleazy salesman. I paused, thinking. Well, sleazy is a stretch, but I can see it. I can see it. Good, my contact said, and proceeded to give me time and place details.
Well, we shot the commercials. Five of them, all with different themes. I’ve got the tape, and they are great. Hilarious. Peabody-award winning stuff. They ran a couple of times, and I got a lot of feedback from people who saw them.
And then they got pulled.
Pulled!
Mr. Junge himself finally saw one, and he thought they were stupid, not funny. Everyone tried to argue otherwise with him, but he was the owner and the commercials were yanked.
Bastards.
(I later shot a couple of commercials for Royal Flush Plumbing that ran for a good long time. But that’s a story for another day.)
Back from break, we find Eric and Jeremy discovering the Bedouin camp and delivering the camel. As they make their way back to the ferry, they see Ray and Yolanda (remember them? they were in the episode when it started) crossing the ferry and making their way to the camel. They quickly finish the task, get their clue, and head off. At this point everyone is going to Al Howareya.
The BJ and Tyler and Bear, along with Fran and Barry, reach the next clue stand first. It’s roadblock time! The clue asks who is willing to dig for food. There are 117 sand mounds, six of which contain a shuwa, which is lamb wrapped in palm leaves and placed in an underground oven pit.
Shuwa it is.
Anyway, the task is to dig up a shuwa, take it to the man standing beside the sand mounds, and get their next clue. They are to keep the shuwa with them, because it is supper.
It was Chekov (Anton, not Ensign) who said that if you see a gun in the first act, you have to make sure it fires in the third act. Similarly, if you say in the third segment that you need to carry your shuwa because it is your supper, you expect that something happens involving the shuwa, or some team forgetting the shuwa, in the fourth segment. You would expect that, but you would be wrong. Maybe next week we’ll open with the teams eating their shuwas. Maybe, but I doubt it.
BJ and the Barry head out to find a shuwa. These two teams are quickly joined by MoJo, who are shocked that they aren’t first at the task.
Yeah, when you last saw them they had completed their detour task and were heading back across the water. When you got back across the water, their vehicles were gone. I can see why you would be surprised they beat you there.
Mo heads out to dig, quickly getting dirty and starting to complain. Jo tells her to just dig. As the opinion of Mo everywhere starts to head south, let me remind you of this:
Eric and Jeremy arrive, and Eric takes to the sand mounds. Barry is the first to find a shuwa, but he has trouble digging it out. I was going to say he had trouble getting it up, but that seemed like a cheap joke even by my standards. Mo also finds a shuwa, and is able to dig it out quicker than Barry. I was going to say her vast experience in using her hands to get things up gave her an advantage over Barry, but figured if I didn’t make the first cheap joke, I shouldn’t make that one.
Meanwhile, Jeremy is standing by a camel cheering Eric on. The camel lets out a long, low moan, to which Jeremy replies “I don’t need any of your lip.” These guys can be funny when they try.
Mo takes her shuwa to the clue man, who hands her a clue. She reads that they need to make their way to the next pit stop at Jabreen Castle. It is a 150 mile trip, and the last team to arrive may be eliminated.
Like there’s a chance that will happen.
Barry gets his shuwa on, and he and Fran get their clue. So does Eric. Tyler, meanwhile, is getting frustrated. Tyler tries to encourage him, but BJ simply mutters about how Tyker got to do all the cool roadblocks and he’s had to do the tough roadblocks. I would agree with him, but one of the tough roadblocks he cites was the looking under gnomes roadblock. Dude. That was the simplest roadblock of all time. You didn’t have to dig, and you could tell where the other teams had looked because there was a gnome lying on the ground. In the shuwa roadblock, there might still be some lamb under a mound someone else dug at, they just didn’t dig deep enough.
Cut to Ray and Yolanda (remember them? they are in the show) in the car, coming to the roadblock. They are still bickering about something that started the day before. Ray denies being stressed, denies swearing at Yolanda. She asks why he is quiet and he says he is just driving Miss Daisy. They get to the roadblock, which Yolanda does, probably because of the “each team member must perform x number of roadblocks” rule, otherwise known as the Chip and Kim rule. As she enters the field of battle, Ray tells her get a pattern going. Yolanda mutters under her breath, in words so soft the editors caption them, “Your momma got a pattern going.”
That’s the great thing about “Your momma” jokes. They don’t have to have any sense or meaning to them.
Anyway, Yolanda quickly finds a shuwa, and we go to commercial with the feeling that BJ, the Bear, and Tyler may go Lena and Kristy on us.
Pardon me while I rant.
The best thing about TAR is that, alone among the major reality contest shows, the winner of TAR is determined by first and foremost ability. Sure, luck plays a role, but as Einstein once said, chance favors the prepared mind. You have to be in position to take advantage of lucky breaks. Sure, there is a team every year that makes it to final five or four purely by taking advantage of the miscues of others (I’m looking at you, Meredith and Gretchen), but the team that races the best throughout the race is almost always among the top three teams and the team that wins is almost always among the best teams in the race. There is no tribal council, no voting by phone, no CEO making choices deciding who goes home.
Which is why roadblocks like this suck so much. They are entirely dependent on luck, on hitting the right spot, and not at all dependent on skill. They certainly shouldn’t be used in elimination legs, and probably not used at all. Less than 5% of the mounds have a shuwa in them – the odds of hitting one quickly are astronomical. So why penalize a team who doesn’t hit the lottery?
But, again, I digress.
After commercial, BJ quickly finds a shuwa. They get their clue and take off. Meanwhile, MoJo and Fran and Barry find the town where the castle is located. MoJo pull off to get quick directions, while Fran and Barry drive straight ahead, resulting in them taking first place, much to their delight. MoJo come to the mat shortly after them, with a look that, well. If you didn’t have the sound up, and had just tuned in, you would have thought that Phil told them they were eliminated. Hell, I don’t think they could have looked more pissed if they HAD been eliminated.
We cut back to Eric and Jeremy, deciding to take a short cut to the castle. They then proceed to get hopelessly lost. As they struggle, Ray and Yolanda arrive at the castle and come in third. In confessional afterwards, Yolanda said her main goal entering the race was to have fun. She complains that she is not having fun. Hey! You got a Yo’ Momma joke on network television! What else do you want?
We have a bad attempt at ratcheting up the tension and making it seem that BJ and the Tyler and Bear can catch Eric and Jeremy, but they don’t. The frat boys take fourth, and get lectured by Phil about being overconfident. At least that’s how I took it. When the BJ and Bear and Tyler come to the mat, they are doing the obligatory put-all-clothes-on-in-case-of-non-elimination-round, and Phil doesn’t disappoint them. He tells them they are last (loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnggggggggggggggg pppppppppppppaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuusssssssssssssssseeeeeeee) but he is happy to say they are still in the race. They hand over their money and the possessions they don’t have on, but remain in good spirits. They say that without their possessions holding them back they will surprise the other teams. And with that, we fade out into the Oman night, ready to race again next week.
Next on The Amazing Race: The teams go to Australia, do some tasks, and then get stranded when their Oceanic flight out of Sydney crashes. I look forward to it! ¶ 3:55 PM 7 Comments
Monday, April 17, 2006
Episode 7: Wherein We Zoom, Zoom, Zoom Into The Lake
Before we consider this week on The Amazing Race, let us take a moment to mourn our favorite ever contestants, the Nerds. Lori Willems and David Spiker were charming. They were consistently kind and respectful to each other and everyone else, they always took time to notice their surroundings, and even when things weren't going well, still took time to support each other and enjoy the experience. I am very sorry to see them go.
If you want more of them, you can hear some of David's music where he is the lead singer with Rustabank. It's Ska. I'm afraid that I don't know which Pizza Hut Lori works at but there are only four in Manhattan KS proper if you want to go on a quest.
Last Week on TAR
Ilse told you. If you missed it, this is the time to rectify that oversight.
Editorial Remarks
Of late the camera work, typically excellent, has degraded into a morass of panning and zoom zoom zoom at every opportunity. I'm seasick, and I am never seasick on the water. They should get rid of these faux artistes who apparently just got out of school and pick up some old guys who have been lugging cameras forever. They would be less taken with their own cleverness and more inclined to just take the damn picture. I'm done now.
No, no I'm not done. That Travelocity gnome was clever the first time or two. Kudos to the ad agency and all that. But for crying out loud. It isn't the Taco Bell dog. Remember? Yo quiero Taco Bell! I have proof, empirical evidence of this. Gaze upon the results of a Google Fight between them. It's time to kill the gnome.
OK, OK, Sooner Or Later I Have To Summarize The Show
Our teams leave Siracusa, Italy in the middle of the night with instructions to take a train to Rome, Italy. (Good that the clue is clear so that they won't be tempted to take a train to Rome, New York.) They must find the Trevi fountain and nearby the man on the red and yellow Vespa. Unfortunately the man on the scooter is the best looking person in the entire episode. He disappears much too quickly.
BJ or Tyler -- I can't tell them apart and neither of them looks like a BJ -- drones on explaining some great philosophical approach to trudging across Europe under trying circumstances. Phil is absent so his mammaries are of no interest at the moment. Monica jumps up and down with excitement, displaying one of her three emotions -- excitement, hysteria, and mourning. Some of you may take interest in her bouncing funbags. She thinks that the inside of the SUV smells like dead fish. Ray says they have to play the game from the bottom up. We are treated to various additional confessionals, all dreadful. Lake takes advantage of the walk to their vehicle to rail, yell, and accuse his partner who is apparently named Bitch. More yakking ensues. They arrive at the train station and we encounter a classic TAR session of bunching. The frat boys think Lake is bipolar. I think that is much too kind.
Rome, Italy
They arrive in the train station in Rome and need to find the Trevi Fountain. This small tourist attraction was made famous by a dreadful movie entitled Three Coins in the Fountain, a hymn to the fifties wherein three secretaries try to Find Love. They each toss a coin in this wretchedly ugly fountain while making a wish. Don’t bother to watch it.
A close-up of the fountain, at left, provides ample evidence that Bruck really is mocking us and that he knows this show blows. The frat boys arrive first. Now that their temporary paramours were ejected and they are no longer getting laid, they seem to have put their energy into the race. Monica has wanted to go to the fountain for Her Entire Life. It is so nice to see lifelong wishes fulfilled.
From the Trevi Fountain they go to the Spanish Steps were we find the most egregious example of product placement ever. They have part of DaVinci's Vitruvian Man in a black leather portfolio. BJ and Tyler, unable to pronounce ‘vitruvian’ decide that it is DaVinci’s naked man.
The racers must find the other half of the picture and ‘break the code’ which is about as difficult as the code in The DaVinci Code where they practically told you how to break the code on the cover of the book. This is all “in honor of” the opening of the movie which, I believe Phil refers to as a film. I’m inclined to quibble. Oh and when they crack the code it says “You cracked the code.” I love the subtlety.
The Old Folks manage to find the fountain without passing it seven or eight times. Practice seems to be serving them well. Lake gives orders. The frat boys manage to turn over one of the two pieces of paper and read the semi-cursive below. They note that they must bring the picture and the portfolio with them to the pit stop. They speak these words aloud.
Athens, Greece
The teams fly to Athens and we are finally treated to the fabulous scenery that, for me, makes watching these losers week after week somewhat tolerable. At least we aren’t driving SUVs around familiar roads in the US week after week after week after … Ok, I’ll get a grip.
The next clue will be found at the Agora, another of those horrid foreign words that the racers must figure out how to say. (They have already mastered airporta.) Surprise! Airport bunching. They get in cabs, out of cabs, buy tickets, and fly to Athens. (Greece, of course.) Monica says “We’re grateful to be here. This is where thinking began. The great philosophers are all from here.” I bow to her intellect, to her effort to prove that she has a brain. Yolanda, the heretic, says of Monica “I’m not sure there is a lot going on there.” For shame!!
I’m sure it will come as a great surprise to you when I tell you that the Agora is closed in the middle of the night. For those of you planning to travel in that direction, though, it is lighted by night and very beautiful. Oh yes. By the time it opens at eight our racers are once again bunched, this time standing in pouring rain.
There is a Fast Forward. Because I am certain you have no idea what a Fast Forward is after nine seasons of this show I will let Phil, who is wearing a drapey dark red shirt that nicely shows off his man-boobs, tell you.
(Recently I was minding my own business, driving somewhere or another listening to the radio, as is my custom, and on came some discussion of man boobs or gynecomastia. This was both disconcerting and oddly fascinating in that staring-at-the-blood-flowing-from-the-wrecked-truck-on-the-freeway sort of way. They explained that *SCREAM* 60% of men have man boobs. Who knew? And they often do breast reduction surgery for it, especially in thin men. I won’t go into detail about the puffy nipples part because I’m still grossed out about that. But, do you think we should tell Phil?)
Oh yes, the Fast Forward. “This is first of only two Fast Forwards hidden on the entire race. The first team that finds it and completes it can skip all tasks and go directly to the pit stop. Each team can use a Fast Forward only once during the race so they need to decide when it is most advantageous to go for it.”
They must go to a nearby restaurant and engage in the traditional Greek way of warding off evil spirits – plate breaking. Isn’t this a terrific tradition? I am going to yard sales this weekend to find inexpensive plates to take to work. I intend to pile them up on my desk and when folks come in with things that suggest bad karma, I will smash them in the corner one by one. I am so looking forward to it. And who said The Race isn’t educational?
The frat boys win the Fast Forward ensuring that they will be the first to arrive at the pit stop. We fear for them, though. With all of the foreshadowing back at the instructions to take the vitruvian man along …. At least they will have time for some drop dead gorgeous scenery along the way to the pit stop at the Fortress of Rion. It is a shame that they don't have some local talent to spend time their spare time with.
The other teams go from the Agora to Corinth by train to the clue at the train station. Monica exhibits one of her three emotions – the whining one. And we go to
Commercials. I know you are accustomed to a rendition of the capitalism here, but I just can’t take it any more. I tried my little chickpeas, but when I got to some damn advertisement for depression I found I was too depressed to go on. I had depression, thoughts of suicide. Depression hurts. I decided that instead of telling my doctor, I’d tell you. If you want cell phone service or lunch at the Olive Garden or shoes from Payless, be my guest. Eating ice cream and cheese makes you skinny. I’m so confused. I’m going to put a cool compress on my forehead and wait until the race resumes.
The teams continue while Monica cries. Joseph lectures her and the tears continue to roll down her cheeks. "When I get upset, it's what I do. I cry all the time," clues Monica. There is much confusion with some getting on the train, some getting off of the train and onto busses, and some getting on busses. Of course they were told to take the TRAIN to the TRAIN station, but that detail seems lost on some. I can’t bear their idiocy so I’ll look at the scenery. TJ has thoughtfully provided some clips so that I might share the scenery and the lovely clear water with you. BJ and Tyler take the time to look out of the train window and notice their surroundings. There hasn't been much of that since The Nerds left.
Barry natters about time and who took what train while his "Married 40 Years" wife wrings her hands. She does that a lot. I must admit that they are supremely well suited to one another. Flip to Lake. (Excuse me, those of you who have Southern accents, but the accent only makes his abusiveness seem worse. He is not doing a good job of representin'.)
Ok I need to explain what happened, much as I want to blow it off. Lake and Michelle, Ray and Yolanda, and BJ and Tyler get off of the train at the Corinth Station instead of the Isthmos Station. An attendant suggests they take a bus to the correct station, which they do. FORESHADOWING: Michelle wonders if taking the bus will be a problem but Mr. Knowitall snaps at her, as usual. They find the correct station because someone figures out that the RR stands for railroad, then they find the cluebox at the train station. And in the cluebox they find that the next task is
A Roadblock
Phil, who has the amazing ability to say the same words in the same way show after show, season after season, explains to us “A roadblock is a task only one person may perform.” Aren’t you surprised? He is surrounded by rigging that distracts the eye from his manboobs.
This is actually a rather wretched task. The doer walks out on scaffolding and bungee jumps 240 feet down into a canal that looks like the sides are lined with stone. In the photo at right you can see the scaffolding at the center bottom of the bridge. Most of the divers just go, typically screaming that John Wayne I'm Gonna Kill All The Indians scream all the way down. Tyler seems to think he is on an acid trip. Of course in his life I expect that is indistinguishable from everyday life.
Most of the racers just bite the bullet and, with more or less trepidation, take off in a poor imitation of a swan dive. Fran, however, decided to do her delicate old lady who is afraid bit. And the editors seem to believe that extended footage of Fran repeating “Oh my God” and “I’m so scared.” Just as it appears that she may or may not jump, we go to commercials. Which I can’t bear to do for you. I have no idea who thought this would be suspenseful television, but he or she should be immediately removed and sentenced to edit Smurfs footage for eternity.
Of course we return from the extended Break Of Hawking Unneeded Items only to have the pleasure of seeing those fearful shouts again. After all, we might have forgotten “Oh my God” that Fran is “so scared.” Surprise! She jumps, all anti-climactic like.
The Detour
Here I thought we were going to get to see more of Greece, but nooooo. Instead we are treated to a detour. Both events take place in the same area, an ancient Olympian stadium to which the racers must drive. It’s All Greek To Me has the team search for 9 pieces of pottery marked with Greek letters, get help translating them, then figure out the anagram that spells a location on a map. It sounds worse than it is. Herculean Effort has a team member throwing a discus a competitive distance, the other tossing a javelin a competitive distance, then both trying to fell an “Olympic” wrestler, pushing him outside a 20’ circle.
On the drive Michelle discovers that the map she has acquired is written in -- surprise -- Greek. Lake takes this discovery with his usual equanimity, shrieking, swearing, abusing Michelle, and smashing things about. "Damnit, don't be an idiot right now," he says. "Don't be crazy now. If you're gonna fall apart when the pressure gets tough." Michelle will defend him later on, as usual. They go into a shop and she asks for directions because, of course, he won't.
Ray and Yolanda handle the Herculean Effort with ease – well except for the part where Ray can’t master the javelin and Yolanda keeps explaining to him how to throw sidearm -- while BJ and Tyler get lost. Michelle and Lake fight over where they are going as Joseph and Monica complete the Herculean Effort.
I must take a moment here to point out that the ancient Olympics took place with the contestants in the nude. The diaper on the wrestler wasn't even a good imitation of sumo. There is little enough reason to watch this show, but when I am teased like that I get angry. And they don't want me angry.
Meanwhile Eric and Jeremy. having won the Fast Forward, are the first to arrive at the Fortress at Rion. Phil asks if they have brought “Leonardo DaVinci’s vitruvian man.” Of course they have whereupon they are awarded a trip to the theatrical premier of The DaVinci Code, their “first red carpet event.” The boys from Florida get a trip to Hollywood to see Tom Hanks with a bad hairdo. This was not their finest moment.
Fran and Barry find the puzzle pieces easily while Lake tells Michelle what a good job she did ??!?!!?? They arrive and find puzzle pieces too. BJ and Tyler remain lost. A brief trip to a gas station reveals that they are an hour out in the wrong direction while we have a suspenseful cut to
Commercials: I am certain you will be shocked when I tell you that they include The DaVinci Code, the movie and Travelocity. Please feel free to imagine other commercials of your choosing.
BJ and Tyler, convinced that they are two hours behind, hope that this is a non-elimination round. Amazingly enough, Fran and Barry solve the puzzle using reason to find the correct place-name on the map. Michelle mentions it to Lake, saying “They’re just better than us,” whereupon Lake elegantly tells her “Shut up!” Monica and Joseph complete their task whereupon Phil introduces us (again) to the pit stop at the Fortress of Rion. We are particularly fortunate because Phil is wearing a suede jacket, unbuttoned, that barely skims his manboobs, hiding them nicely.
The Race to Rion
Amidst the usual confusion racing to cars and trying to find their way, Barry manages to back the SUV into a teeny tree, totally destroying the back window. “I didn’t see it,” he says casually, revealing the enduring secret of his 40 year marriage to Fran, the hysteric. He must have the worlds largest stash of Prozac.
BJ and Tyler finally arrive at the stadium, completing their task while Michelle and Lake, swearing and shrieking all the way, seem to be lost. Of course with them it is hard to tell. Lake would have the same reaction if he were 10 feet from his destination. Monica asks directions nicely.
Aside: I must mention this terrific bridge at Rion. Apparently it is quite new, having been built for the Olympics. The contrast between the modern bridge and the ancient fortress is quite striking. I won’t bore you with my travelogue much longer. Instead I’ll leave you with a shot of it lit in blue at dusk.
And They Arrive
Second Ray and Yolanda but remember that foreshadowing? They are penalized for 15 minutes because they took the bus to the train station instead of travelling all of the way by train. They have to wait while others arive until their time is up. Joseph and Monica are officially team number two. Ray and Yolanda are checked in after serving their time.
Fran and Barry arrive in the dark in the rain. Team number four. BJ and Tyler arrive ready to be last. First they are elated. Then they too have to do a 15 minute penalty. Which is up before anyone else arrives. Tyler (I think) or maybe it is BJ kisses Phil. For some reason Phil doesn't seem to get the full measure of pleasure from the experience.
Lake and Michelle arrive. Phil is sorry to tell them that they have been eliminated from the race. Lake flips from sad to comforting the crying Michelle. "That's ok babe. You did good," he assures her. He went on and on about how good she did, how well they got along during the race. And I walk away from this episode having stared in the face of true, total insanity in the form of Lake.
I leave you with the bridge. And a huge thank you to TJ for the pics. You'll have to tune in next week to see what happens then.
¶ 10:10 PM 2 Comments
Featuring the Bridge at Rion
By TechNoirBefore we consider this week on The Amazing Race, let us take a moment to mourn our favorite ever contestants, the Nerds. Lori Willems and David Spiker were charming. They were consistently kind and respectful to each other and everyone else, they always took time to notice their surroundings, and even when things weren't going well, still took time to support each other and enjoy the experience. I am very sorry to see them go.
If you want more of them, you can hear some of David's music where he is the lead singer with Rustabank. It's Ska. I'm afraid that I don't know which Pizza Hut Lori works at but there are only four in Manhattan KS proper if you want to go on a quest.
Last Week on TAR
Ilse told you. If you missed it, this is the time to rectify that oversight.
Editorial Remarks
Of late the camera work, typically excellent, has degraded into a morass of panning and zoom zoom zoom at every opportunity. I'm seasick, and I am never seasick on the water. They should get rid of these faux artistes who apparently just got out of school and pick up some old guys who have been lugging cameras forever. They would be less taken with their own cleverness and more inclined to just take the damn picture. I'm done now.No, no I'm not done. That Travelocity gnome was clever the first time or two. Kudos to the ad agency and all that. But for crying out loud. It isn't the Taco Bell dog. Remember? Yo quiero Taco Bell! I have proof, empirical evidence of this. Gaze upon the results of a Google Fight between them. It's time to kill the gnome.
OK, OK, Sooner Or Later I Have To Summarize The Show
Our teams leave Siracusa, Italy in the middle of the night with instructions to take a train to Rome, Italy. (Good that the clue is clear so that they won't be tempted to take a train to Rome, New York.) They must find the Trevi fountain and nearby the man on the red and yellow Vespa. Unfortunately the man on the scooter is the best looking person in the entire episode. He disappears much too quickly.
BJ or Tyler -- I can't tell them apart and neither of them looks like a BJ -- drones on explaining some great philosophical approach to trudging across Europe under trying circumstances. Phil is absent so his mammaries are of no interest at the moment. Monica jumps up and down with excitement, displaying one of her three emotions -- excitement, hysteria, and mourning. Some of you may take interest in her bouncing funbags. She thinks that the inside of the SUV smells like dead fish. Ray says they have to play the game from the bottom up. We are treated to various additional confessionals, all dreadful. Lake takes advantage of the walk to their vehicle to rail, yell, and accuse his partner who is apparently named Bitch. More yakking ensues. They arrive at the train station and we encounter a classic TAR session of bunching. The frat boys think Lake is bipolar. I think that is much too kind.
Rome, Italy
They arrive in the train station in Rome and need to find the Trevi Fountain. This small tourist attraction was made famous by a dreadful movie entitled Three Coins in the Fountain, a hymn to the fifties wherein three secretaries try to Find Love. They each toss a coin in this wretchedly ugly fountain while making a wish. Don’t bother to watch it.
A close-up of the fountain, at left, provides ample evidence that Bruck really is mocking us and that he knows this show blows. The frat boys arrive first. Now that their temporary paramours were ejected and they are no longer getting laid, they seem to have put their energy into the race. Monica has wanted to go to the fountain for Her Entire Life. It is so nice to see lifelong wishes fulfilled.From the Trevi Fountain they go to the Spanish Steps were we find the most egregious example of product placement ever. They have part of DaVinci's Vitruvian Man in a black leather portfolio. BJ and Tyler, unable to pronounce ‘vitruvian’ decide that it is DaVinci’s naked man.
The racers must find the other half of the picture and ‘break the code’ which is about as difficult as the code in The DaVinci Code where they practically told you how to break the code on the cover of the book. This is all “in honor of” the opening of the movie which, I believe Phil refers to as a film. I’m inclined to quibble. Oh and when they crack the code it says “You cracked the code.” I love the subtlety.
The Old Folks manage to find the fountain without passing it seven or eight times. Practice seems to be serving them well. Lake gives orders. The frat boys manage to turn over one of the two pieces of paper and read the semi-cursive below. They note that they must bring the picture and the portfolio with them to the pit stop. They speak these words aloud.
Athens, Greece
The teams fly to Athens and we are finally treated to the fabulous scenery that, for me, makes watching these losers week after week somewhat tolerable. At least we aren’t driving SUVs around familiar roads in the US week after week after week after … Ok, I’ll get a grip.
The next clue will be found at the Agora, another of those horrid foreign words that the racers must figure out how to say. (They have already mastered airporta.) Surprise! Airport bunching. They get in cabs, out of cabs, buy tickets, and fly to Athens. (Greece, of course.) Monica says “We’re grateful to be here. This is where thinking began. The great philosophers are all from here.” I bow to her intellect, to her effort to prove that she has a brain. Yolanda, the heretic, says of Monica “I’m not sure there is a lot going on there.” For shame!!
I’m sure it will come as a great surprise to you when I tell you that the Agora is closed in the middle of the night. For those of you planning to travel in that direction, though, it is lighted by night and very beautiful. Oh yes. By the time it opens at eight our racers are once again bunched, this time standing in pouring rain.
There is a Fast Forward. Because I am certain you have no idea what a Fast Forward is after nine seasons of this show I will let Phil, who is wearing a drapey dark red shirt that nicely shows off his man-boobs, tell you.
(Recently I was minding my own business, driving somewhere or another listening to the radio, as is my custom, and on came some discussion of man boobs or gynecomastia. This was both disconcerting and oddly fascinating in that staring-at-the-blood-flowing-from-the-wrecked-truck-on-the-freeway sort of way. They explained that *SCREAM* 60% of men have man boobs. Who knew? And they often do breast reduction surgery for it, especially in thin men. I won’t go into detail about the puffy nipples part because I’m still grossed out about that. But, do you think we should tell Phil?)
Oh yes, the Fast Forward. “This is first of only two Fast Forwards hidden on the entire race. The first team that finds it and completes it can skip all tasks and go directly to the pit stop. Each team can use a Fast Forward only once during the race so they need to decide when it is most advantageous to go for it.”
They must go to a nearby restaurant and engage in the traditional Greek way of warding off evil spirits – plate breaking. Isn’t this a terrific tradition? I am going to yard sales this weekend to find inexpensive plates to take to work. I intend to pile them up on my desk and when folks come in with things that suggest bad karma, I will smash them in the corner one by one. I am so looking forward to it. And who said The Race isn’t educational?
The frat boys win the Fast Forward ensuring that they will be the first to arrive at the pit stop. We fear for them, though. With all of the foreshadowing back at the instructions to take the vitruvian man along …. At least they will have time for some drop dead gorgeous scenery along the way to the pit stop at the Fortress of Rion. It is a shame that they don't have some local talent to spend time their spare time with.The other teams go from the Agora to Corinth by train to the clue at the train station. Monica exhibits one of her three emotions – the whining one. And we go to
Commercials. I know you are accustomed to a rendition of the capitalism here, but I just can’t take it any more. I tried my little chickpeas, but when I got to some damn advertisement for depression I found I was too depressed to go on. I had depression, thoughts of suicide. Depression hurts. I decided that instead of telling my doctor, I’d tell you. If you want cell phone service or lunch at the Olive Garden or shoes from Payless, be my guest. Eating ice cream and cheese makes you skinny. I’m so confused. I’m going to put a cool compress on my forehead and wait until the race resumes.
The teams continue while Monica cries. Joseph lectures her and the tears continue to roll down her cheeks. "When I get upset, it's what I do. I cry all the time," clues Monica. There is much confusion with some getting on the train, some getting off of the train and onto busses, and some getting on busses. Of course they were told to take the TRAIN to the TRAIN station, but that detail seems lost on some. I can’t bear their idiocy so I’ll look at the scenery. TJ has thoughtfully provided some clips so that I might share the scenery and the lovely clear water with you. BJ and Tyler take the time to look out of the train window and notice their surroundings. There hasn't been much of that since The Nerds left.
Barry natters about time and who took what train while his "Married 40 Years" wife wrings her hands. She does that a lot. I must admit that they are supremely well suited to one another. Flip to Lake. (Excuse me, those of you who have Southern accents, but the accent only makes his abusiveness seem worse. He is not doing a good job of representin'.) Ok I need to explain what happened, much as I want to blow it off. Lake and Michelle, Ray and Yolanda, and BJ and Tyler get off of the train at the Corinth Station instead of the Isthmos Station. An attendant suggests they take a bus to the correct station, which they do. FORESHADOWING: Michelle wonders if taking the bus will be a problem but Mr. Knowitall snaps at her, as usual. They find the correct station because someone figures out that the RR stands for railroad, then they find the cluebox at the train station. And in the cluebox they find that the next task is
A Roadblock
Phil, who has the amazing ability to say the same words in the same way show after show, season after season, explains to us “A roadblock is a task only one person may perform.” Aren’t you surprised? He is surrounded by rigging that distracts the eye from his manboobs.
This is actually a rather wretched task. The doer walks out on scaffolding and bungee jumps 240 feet down into a canal that looks like the sides are lined with stone. In the photo at right you can see the scaffolding at the center bottom of the bridge. Most of the divers just go, typically screaming that John Wayne I'm Gonna Kill All The Indians scream all the way down. Tyler seems to think he is on an acid trip. Of course in his life I expect that is indistinguishable from everyday life.Most of the racers just bite the bullet and, with more or less trepidation, take off in a poor imitation of a swan dive. Fran, however, decided to do her delicate old lady who is afraid bit. And the editors seem to believe that extended footage of Fran repeating “Oh my God” and “I’m so scared.” Just as it appears that she may or may not jump, we go to commercials. Which I can’t bear to do for you. I have no idea who thought this would be suspenseful television, but he or she should be immediately removed and sentenced to edit Smurfs footage for eternity.
Of course we return from the extended Break Of Hawking Unneeded Items only to have the pleasure of seeing those fearful shouts again. After all, we might have forgotten “Oh my God” that Fran is “so scared.” Surprise! She jumps, all anti-climactic like.
The Detour
Here I thought we were going to get to see more of Greece, but nooooo. Instead we are treated to a detour. Both events take place in the same area, an ancient Olympian stadium to which the racers must drive. It’s All Greek To Me has the team search for 9 pieces of pottery marked with Greek letters, get help translating them, then figure out the anagram that spells a location on a map. It sounds worse than it is. Herculean Effort has a team member throwing a discus a competitive distance, the other tossing a javelin a competitive distance, then both trying to fell an “Olympic” wrestler, pushing him outside a 20’ circle.
On the drive Michelle discovers that the map she has acquired is written in -- surprise -- Greek. Lake takes this discovery with his usual equanimity, shrieking, swearing, abusing Michelle, and smashing things about. "Damnit, don't be an idiot right now," he says. "Don't be crazy now. If you're gonna fall apart when the pressure gets tough." Michelle will defend him later on, as usual. They go into a shop and she asks for directions because, of course, he won't.
Ray and Yolanda handle the Herculean Effort with ease – well except for the part where Ray can’t master the javelin and Yolanda keeps explaining to him how to throw sidearm -- while BJ and Tyler get lost. Michelle and Lake fight over where they are going as Joseph and Monica complete the Herculean Effort.
I must take a moment here to point out that the ancient Olympics took place with the contestants in the nude. The diaper on the wrestler wasn't even a good imitation of sumo. There is little enough reason to watch this show, but when I am teased like that I get angry. And they don't want me angry. Meanwhile Eric and Jeremy. having won the Fast Forward, are the first to arrive at the Fortress at Rion. Phil asks if they have brought “Leonardo DaVinci’s vitruvian man.” Of course they have whereupon they are awarded a trip to the theatrical premier of The DaVinci Code, their “first red carpet event.” The boys from Florida get a trip to Hollywood to see Tom Hanks with a bad hairdo. This was not their finest moment.
Fran and Barry find the puzzle pieces easily while Lake tells Michelle what a good job she did ??!?!!?? They arrive and find puzzle pieces too. BJ and Tyler remain lost. A brief trip to a gas station reveals that they are an hour out in the wrong direction while we have a suspenseful cut to
Commercials: I am certain you will be shocked when I tell you that they include The DaVinci Code, the movie and Travelocity. Please feel free to imagine other commercials of your choosing.
BJ and Tyler, convinced that they are two hours behind, hope that this is a non-elimination round. Amazingly enough, Fran and Barry solve the puzzle using reason to find the correct place-name on the map. Michelle mentions it to Lake, saying “They’re just better than us,” whereupon Lake elegantly tells her “Shut up!” Monica and Joseph complete their task whereupon Phil introduces us (again) to the pit stop at the Fortress of Rion. We are particularly fortunate because Phil is wearing a suede jacket, unbuttoned, that barely skims his manboobs, hiding them nicely.The Race to Rion
Amidst the usual confusion racing to cars and trying to find their way, Barry manages to back the SUV into a teeny tree, totally destroying the back window. “I didn’t see it,” he says casually, revealing the enduring secret of his 40 year marriage to Fran, the hysteric. He must have the worlds largest stash of Prozac.
BJ and Tyler finally arrive at the stadium, completing their task while Michelle and Lake, swearing and shrieking all the way, seem to be lost. Of course with them it is hard to tell. Lake would have the same reaction if he were 10 feet from his destination. Monica asks directions nicely.
Aside: I must mention this terrific bridge at Rion. Apparently it is quite new, having been built for the Olympics. The contrast between the modern bridge and the ancient fortress is quite striking. I won’t bore you with my travelogue much longer. Instead I’ll leave you with a shot of it lit in blue at dusk.
And They Arrive
Second Ray and Yolanda but remember that foreshadowing? They are penalized for 15 minutes because they took the bus to the train station instead of travelling all of the way by train. They have to wait while others arive until their time is up. Joseph and Monica are officially team number two. Ray and Yolanda are checked in after serving their time.
Fran and Barry arrive in the dark in the rain. Team number four. BJ and Tyler arrive ready to be last. First they are elated. Then they too have to do a 15 minute penalty. Which is up before anyone else arrives. Tyler (I think) or maybe it is BJ kisses Phil. For some reason Phil doesn't seem to get the full measure of pleasure from the experience.
Lake and Michelle arrive. Phil is sorry to tell them that they have been eliminated from the race. Lake flips from sad to comforting the crying Michelle. "That's ok babe. You did good," he assures her. He went on and on about how good she did, how well they got along during the race. And I walk away from this episode having stared in the face of true, total insanity in the form of Lake. I leave you with the bridge. And a huge thank you to TJ for the pics. You'll have to tune in next week to see what happens then.
¶ 10:10 PM 2 Comments
Monday, April 10, 2006
TAR 9, Episode Six: Geek, Interrupted
or
Gargling at the Fountain of Knowledge By ilse
Previously, on The Assholes, Revisited...
Well, normally in this spot, you’d get a brief recap of last week’s show, in case you had something better to do during that time, like snake the bathtub drain, or have a wart removed, or stare at the wall until the voices in your head stop screaming at you. Although as much as this show sucks this season, those would all be pretty much lateral moves.
No, this week, we get an overview of the entire show to date. This is the network’s attempt to draw people in who would normally be tuning in to watch something else in this time slot, because CBS switched TAR from Tuesdays at 10 (which is already an hour later than it was last season) to Wednesdays at 8. What the hell?
See, there’s this new, gritty show called “The Unit” that they want so badly to succeed they’re putting it on between two acronymic crime dramas (NCIS and CSI) and hoping the Nielsen families mistake it for porn. And they really want “Criminal Minds,” the offal in the 9 o’clock Wednesday slot, to attract a larger audience, so they’re moving their Emmy-winning, loyally-watched reality show (no, the one with Phil) to Humpday, and hoping that people are too stupid or lazy to operate their remotes.
Or that viewers can forget Mandy Patinkin as either the Elmo in Grouchland villain with the Andy Rooney eyebrows, or Inigo Montoya. Which I can’t. But then, I do have to be at least a little grateful; I was going to be truly saddened if I had to abandon the Lady Terps playing Dook in the NCAA National Championship game so I could watch this dreck.
And dreck it is, dreck on parade, beginning in Colorado, then flying to Brazil, eliminating first The Happy Boys (“You say ‘in the closet’ like it’s a BAD thing”) and then the Saggy Old Broads (I’d suggest they act their age, but that would involve them holding very, very still in a six-foot-long box, and we don’t want Dweezil getting all excited this early in the summary). The teams moved on to Russia, then to Germany, saying good bye to the single mom/future single mom team, who were so stupid their fingers and toes were numbered (English on one hand, Spanish on the other). Italy was the next stop, and we joyfully witnessed the demise of the girls my co-workers refer to as “The Boobthings”, who dress like they shop at the Stupid Spoiled Whore Emporium. I’d really like to smack the crap out of them if I didn’t think it would fill up a room.
We begin with panoramic views of Sicily, and zoom in on an area called Segesta, which we are told was destroyed by the Vandals 2300 years ago, and although I’m not all that comfortable doing math without my printing calculator, that seems to me to come out to 300 B.C. Which is funny, because my history degree (and my world history book) tells me that the Vandals were an East Germanic tribe who invaded Sicily in the middle of the 5th century A.D. But what’s 750 years among friends? I mean, it’s not like the difference between the Magna Carta and the moon landing...oh, wait, yes it is.
This is the Pit Stop, from which the remaining teams will leave. The first ones to depart are BJ & Tyler (The Bear was unavailable, still doing promo tours for his sweet gig in King Kong), the Haight-Ashbury Summer o’ Love (Yes, Goth, I did nearly spell that with one ‘m’) wannabees.
Please note their resemblance to the contemptible Ethan Zohn and the quirky Spin Doctors front man, Chris Barron, respectively.
The first leg of their trip is to Catania, a city all the way on the east coast of Sicily (from an official Sicilian tourism site: “Catania is certainly worth seeing -- at least for a brief visit.” Now THAT’s a glowing recommendation. Screw Disneyworld, kids...we’re going to Catania!). They’ll find their next clue in the ruins of an old Roman amphitheater. Jeez, how hard could that be? I mean, there must be one on every corner; they were like the Starbucks of the ancient world.
Cultural note: The patron saint of Catania is St. Agatha. According to a Catholic website about patron saints, the standard representation for Agatha is a “virgin martyr wearing a veil and bearing her severed breasts on a silver platter.” She’s the patron saint of wet nurses, volcanic eruptions, and jewelers, and there’s a pearl necklace joke in there somewhere, but I’m certainly way too much of a proper lady to mention it.
However, in recognition of Holy Week (Hosanna, Hosannadanna), I will include other patron saint references throughout, where appropriate (or not). So, technically, by reading this, you will have fulfilled your religious obligations for the week, and can take Easter Sunday off to stuff your face with candy and read “Me Talk Pretty One Day.” I mean, come on -- isn’t that what Easter’s all about?
And now, back to our program, already in progress.
The Hippies, in confessional: We’re ahead of the frat boys, but we totally need to extend our lead. I mean, they’re really, really, really, really dumb, but that’s only one more “really” than us. No, look, there they are behind us! No, like, right behind us, man! It’s totally freaking me out! Oh, my god, this is some good shit. Pass the Cheetos.
They stop to pet a stray dog (Patron Saint of mad dogs: St. Sithney, who was called by God to be the patron saint of girls seeking husbands, and begged off, saying he preferred his crazy bitches to have four legs), then hop in a waiting marked car. They easily find Catania on a map and plot a course to get there. The course includes a brief stop-off for rolling papers and Slurpees.
Back at the Pit Stop, the Frat Boys are ready to leave, because someone left their cage open.
The Frat Boys, in confessional: We’re learning as we go. Which is good, because if we kept getting stupider, someone would have to water us twice a week.
They have a map, and they think this gives them “a huge advantage.” Unfortunately, their map looks like this:
Remember: Map good. No map, bad. See? They’re learning! Next on the agenda: what bears do in the woods.
Speaking of purposeless pieces of crap, next up is HoJo.
Ho, in confessional: I’ve learned a lot about myself during the race. Like, before this, my ambition in life was to be a Hooters girl. But now, I want to be a Hooters HOSTESS. It’s this kind of motivation and inner strength that prove that I’m an asset.
She’s off by two letters, of course. So sad...a body that won’t quit and a brain that won’t start.
They don’t have a map (remember: no map, bad). They stop a stranger on the side of the road, who not only shows them where Catania is, but gives them his map (map good). HoJo are stunned at this turn of events.
Jo: No way in America am I stopping at 5 o’clock in the morning for strange people asking me for directions -- I might get murdered.
First of all, it wouldn’t take as much motivation as you think. Second of all, you’re in Sicily. Did you not see The Godfather? Don’t stop at any toll booths. (Patron Saint of protection against gunshots: St. Barbara. .)
The next to leave is Team FrankenBarry (I just love that...but does that make Ray and Yolanda Count Chocula?). Barry waxes nostalgic on being a Vietnam vet, and says that he and Fran thought that the war would tear them apart, but really, it was that commie bitch Jane Fonda. We’re not sure how this relates to the race. They have a tour book. It is unclear whether this is good or bad, in comparison to having a map.
The Hippies have arrived in Catania, and follow a taxi driver to the amphitheater. They run to the iron gates, only to find them closed, with a sign stating that the amphitheater opens at 8:30 a.m. We prepare to witness The Bunching, a time-honored TAR tradition: no matter how large a lead the first couple of teams have, there will be at least one spot like this one that allows the teams in the back to catch up.
Beej, who seems, unlike most TAR contestants, to have actually watched the show once or twice, recognizes this as the designated Bunching spot. Ever the cutup, he makes a little notebook-paper sign-in sheet, mocking the Bunching, and places it above the “open at 8:30” sign on the gates. Take one step forward if you think no one would ever be fooled into thinking the crumpled bit of paper has anything to do with the Race...not so fast, Frat Boys.
Back at the Pit Stop (yes, there are teams still leaving), we see Lake & Michelle, who miscount their money, and whine, and are generally horrid and passive-aggressive to each other (Patron Saint of difficult marriages and verbal abuse: St. Monica).
Lake, in confessional: She needs to shut up. She’s always nagging me about not listening...or some shit like that, I don’t know.
Close on their heels (although we don’t really have any idea) is Dave & Lori, the Wonder Geeks. You know what’s funny? I just Googled “+geeks +’in love’” and the #5 link was Dave & Lori. How cool is that? (Further aside: the #3 link is entitled “The Joy of Tech,” which I think is a site dedicated to knitting gags for insufferable morons.) The Geeks want to stay positive and “keep on truckin,” although I fail to see how either Robert Crumb or Jerry Garcia is going to help them, here.
And, finally, Ray & Yolanda. They look very tired, but Yolanda is near-bubbly with wuv.
Yolanda, in confessional: I love him more watching him in the race. He’s strong, he’s smart, and he’s FINE. He climbs things, and lifts things, and drives, and he exudes manliness from every manly pore in his manly body.
I think we know what they spent their time doing during the “mandatory rest period.”
They ask directions from a Danny Aiello lookalike. However, they still do not have a map, and as we know, no map, bad.
Catania awakens from its slumber. Old pruney women open shops, old drunk men look for a pickup bocci ball game...Christ, isn’t anyone in Catania under 75? Oh, there they are, both of them, sucking face on a park bench. They better hurry up and get bizzay if they’re going to repopulate the island.
The Frat Boys find the amphitheater and discover the sign-in sheet. They sign it. A local walks up with a petition to outlaw nude beaches, and they sign it. A Scientologist walks up with a donation pledge form for $5,000, and they sign it. They are presented with a petition to allow fishermen to use live puppies as shark bait, and they sign it. Suddenly, the 15 watt bulbs over their head fade in, and they question the authenticity of the sign-in sheet. They actually debate about it for a couple of minutes before the Hippies take pity on them and let them in in the joke. Outwitted by Hippies...not something to put on one’s resume. (Patron Saint of state schools: St. Martin de Porres, who also happens to be the first African-American saint.)
FrankenBarry have arrived in Catania...sort of. They’re lost. From the grafitti, it appears they have successfully discovered Italian Harlem, which settles the question: tour book is not the same as a map. No map, bad.
The clock chimes 8:30, and no other teams have arrived. The Hippies and the Frat Boys go down into the sunken amphitheater to pluck their clue from its box-lair. The task is simple: around the outer perimeter of the amphitheater is a fence, and approximately every other fence post is topped with a small head. They must run around the amphitheater, do a head-count, and then find the groundskeeper.
If they give good head-count to the groundskeeper, they will recieve their next clue. This takes each team approximately 3.5 seconds, as there are only 41 of the heads. Thank goodness there aren’t any all-girl teams left, or they’d never be able to count to 41 (wait for it....two teams...fingers and toes and...yes, there you go).
Detour alert! Today, our task choices are:
a. Big fish
b. Little fish
c. Red fish
d. Blue fish
For Big Fish, teams walk to a certain street vendor, and each member picks up a 32-pound swordfish, and then carries it 1/3 mile to Storico la Pescheria (“Ye Olde Fishe Shoppe”). Once they find a particular fish vendor, he will trade them their fishes for their next clue (and a couple of loaves). For Little Fish (a.k.a. The Lamer Task), the teams walk directly to Storico la Pescheria, where they will take over a merchant’s stall and sell 4 kilos (somewhere between 200 and 300 pounds, I think. I dunno, I’m an American, I don’t know from metric) of small Sicilian fish to earn their next clue.
This seems like a no-brainer. It’s approximately the same distance in travel; the only difference is that it might take a bit longer to walk it carrying a swordfish. But the time difference would certainly be less than the amount of time it would take to sell 500 pounds of small fish. (Patron saint of fish: St. Neot, who was reportedly only 15 inches tall. Riiiiiiiiiight.)
Both teams decide to take my advice.
FrankenBarry are now somewhere in Apulia, and Barry will not shut up about how screwed they are, and what a poor choice they made. His head is so far up his ass, he could chew his food twice, if he had his own teeth. I say again: no map, bad.
Here we have a commerical break. I don’t usually comment on commercials, but I’ll interject briefly on the Hallmark ad. No, there’s nothing particularly wrong with the ad, but I recently had a bad experience with Hallmark, and I’m going to use you as a captive audience to bitch about it. If you’re competely uninterested, tough noogies. Long story short, I had in my hand a card costing $2.25. I had no cash on me (as usual) and handed the cashier my debit card. She asked for my driver’s license, then informed me that she couldn’t accept my debit card for payment, because the name on my debit card did not match my driver’s license, and “frankly, ma’am, I don’t think this looks like you.”
Now, as many of you know, I married recently (I love being married. There’s nothing quite like finding that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life), and changed my name from Ilse Q. Smith – the name on the debit card -- to Ilse Q. Jones, the name on my new driver’s license (the Q. being the first letter of my maiden name, Smith being my ex-husband’s last name, and Jones being my new husband’s last name). The cashier said that unless I had a picture ID with the name on it that has not been my legal name for three months, or my marriage certificate, I could not make a purchase. I even produced my Social Security card, in the name of Ilse Q. Jones, and my plea was again rejected. It should be noted that in the 3 months I’ve been Mrs. Jones, this is the first instance in which I’ve been denied a purchase anywhere, and it was for a $2.25 card from Hallmark. If you’re more concerned about the possibility that someone is going to commit fraud over $2.25 than you are about common-sense customer service, then fuck you, Hallmark, you fascist pigs. (Patron saint against false witness: St. Felix of Nola.)
Just goes to prove there’s no vaccine against stupidity. Speaking of which, we’re back to the show. FrankenBarry are still lost.
We’re treated to another episode of “As My Stomach Turns,” starring Lake and Michelle, who are also lost and stuck in traffic. Lake asks Michelle if she recognizes anything. She hasn’t yet recognized that he’s a total ass, so I’m guessing no. He points. “Whut’s thayut?” “It’s yaller, it must be a school bus,” she says.
It is an airport shuttle, but thank you for playing. We have some lovely parting gifts for you, including a $20 gift certificate to Wal-Mart and the DVD boxed set of “The Jeff Foxworthy Show.” Oh, wait, you already have those. Never mind.
Those Adorable Geeks are jammed up with the masses, as well. Ray and Yolanda are not, but that’s only because they’re nowhere near the city yet.
HoJo pulls up to the amphitheater and begins counting heads as the Frat Boys and Hippies arrive at the fishmonger.
They each drape a swordfish across their shoulders and begin jogging to the market. The smell makes the Frat Boys miss the Double D’s. Tyler remarks that after a while and a little LSD, the fish stops feeling like a wet cat and starts feeling more like an ice pack.
HoJo finish counting. Jo got 40; Ho got 41. To Jo’s credit, he defers to Ho’s number; to his shame, he is accepting without concern the fact that he was unable to successfully complete a Kindergarten-level task. They race down the steps of the amphitheater to find the groundskeeper, who confirms Ho’s number and hands them the clue. They, too, decide to do the fish-hauling. She’s concerned she can’t carry 30 pounds of excess dead weight, but she seems to balance her head on top of her neck just fine.
The Boy Teams have arrived at the market and are now trying to find the right merchant. Say what you will about the Got-Damn Hippies, but I have to commend them for two things: first, they always know at least a few words of the languages of each country they’ve visited (so far), and don’t attempt to speak Pig-Latin Esperanto to cab drivers. Second, they truly seem to appreciate the scenery and the cultural experience around them. I’m not saying that I don’t want them to slump over, just that they can take their time. If Dave and Lori can’t win (Patron Saint of impossible causes, St. Rita of Cascia), then I don’t hate the idea of it being the Doug Henning Bastard Children.
The swordfish are deposited and the clues distributed at the same time, which we can tell isn’t one of the sneaky camera tricks they use to make the race seem closer, because they’re all in the same shot together. In lieu of that, however, Bruckheimer insists on another annoying contrivance: captioning the teams “Currently in 1st place” and “Currently in 2nd place” when they received their clues at the same time and are standing next to each other. This is probably still proper, though, because the Frat Boys can’t think without moving their lips, much less read, so the Hippies are a half-step ahead.
They must now drive themselves to Siracusa (Syracuse), Sicily and find some place I can’t spell to find their next clue. They wend their way through the streets back the way they came. HoJo passes them going the other way, and BJ hugs Ho, in what at first seems to be a friendly gesture. A moment after he departs, however, she exclaims, “That smell – ohmigod, fish blood on my shirt!” Like that’s the worst sort of stain she’s ever had on her clothing. Other than that, Ms. Lewinsky, how was your tour of the White House?
From this point, the editing begins switching wildly between the remaining teams. I will do what I can to make some sense of the mess we’re presented with, but forgive me if it gets choppier than a stammering woodcutter’s convention.
FrankenBarry finally find the amphitheater. The boy teams find Siracusa on a map (map good) and agree to cooperate to find it together. FrankenBarry count 41 heads, and rush down below. Fran begins screaming “hello” every 3 feet, like the groundskeeper is on a cell phone that keeps cutting out. They eventually find him, and he hands over the clue. They decide to sell the small Sicilian Brasifish, the only team to make this choice, because “The tourbook said it’s FUN! That, and we’re so old, we fart dust.”
HoJo find the swordfish and attempt to carry them like they’re firelogs. Ho is visibly distressed and disgusted. She is also upset about having to carry a fish.
Lake Asswipe and Wife are still in traffic, and still bitching at each other (this is clearly their steady state). Dave & Lori are having The Eternal Male-Female conversation: “Why won’t you ask for directions?” “Because I’m not lost!” (Other popular riffs on this tune include “Toilet seats: up or down?” “What a Thermostat is For” and “How many goddamn pairs of shoes do you need?”/”How many holes does that underwear have to have before you throw it out?”)
Lori, to Dave: “I’m glad you’re being unilateral in the decision-making.”
I’m just glad that someone on this race is using a word like “unilateral,” and can pull off sarcasm.
Ray & Yolanda, who think that “unilateral” is something they can work on with their Bowflex machine, decide that they will completely circumvent the traffic and walk to the amphitheatre, hoping that they will encounter someone along the way who can tell them how to get there. Ray, however, is having a problem – everyone he walks up to and says “Theatre Romano?” just says “No,” and walks away quickly, like he’s the Black Panther Amway Salesman.
FrankenBarry try to sell fish by screeching “pesky, pesky fresco” at people. They are not having any luck, because the locals are not interested in purchasing bothersome paintings.
HoJo are schlepping the swordfish (which is not code) and Ho is complaining the entire time. “EW, fish guts, fish juice, ew, it’s all over me!” Gods, she’s such a species-ist. I mean, sure, human bodily fluids of any kind she’ll gladly wallow in on any given Saturday night, but put scales on the fluid provider, and she gets all squeamish. (Sicilian Word of the Day: The word “Stuppaghiara” literally means “a girl who can suck the cork out of a wine bottle.”)
HoJo try to deliver the fish to the wrong guy, who has no idea why they’re delivering swordfish to him. They wait expectantly for the clue that is not forthcoming. (Patron Saint of the mentally challenged: St.Christina the Astonishing.) Ho begins to cry. Boy, if she doesn’t develop a higher threshold for stress, she’ll never make it to Patron Sainthood. HoJo go off in search of the right guy, shouting his name, but pronouncing it incorrectly.
FrankenBarry sell a few pesky frescos. HoJo are still looking for the right guy, and some other merchant finally tells them how to pronounce his name.
Ho drops the fish onto the ground and insists that she just can’t carry it anymore. Her makeup is running in streaks down her face, and we have to question her choice of non-waterproof mascara. She whines, “This is the worst thing I’ve ever done, besides screwing the entire Razorback football team.”
She’s about as useless as the Pope’s testicles. Maybe the commercial break will give her enough time to collect herself.
Nope. “Just tough it out,” Jo encourages her, with an edge to his voice that adds, “you whiny little skank.” She sniffles, the weight of the world on her shoulders, and hefts the fish dramatically, waiting for her Oscar. They finally find the right vendor, and get the clue. “Drive yourself to whatever,” Jo reads, anxious to be on their way. “Siracusa,” Ho snivels. Good to know that she’s never too defeated to quibble and correct him. Nothing more attractive than that. Jo: Pay attention, dood. This is the rest of your life, right here.
FrankenBarry are still trying to sell fish, and they’ve finally sold the requisite 650 pounds of ichthyophagous. They think it was fun. But then, they add a little Metamucil to their decaf for the extra kick.
HoJo are finally back at their car. They try to proceed down the clogged city streets with little luck. “I’m going to smell like a fish all damn day,” Ho moans. She continues to harp on this topic by pointing out various women on the street who are cleaner than she and smell less fishy, like the crack whores. I don’t suppose it would occur to her to change clothes; I doubt it’d be the first time she exposed herself in public. Jo tries to chew off his own arm to escape. (Patron Saint of trappers: St. Hubert of Liege.)
FrankenBarry check their map (ooh, a map now...map good) and attempt to find moss on the north side of Barry’s leg to get oriented. Lake Asswipe finally find the amphitheater. Lake motions to FrankenBarry for help as they drive away, but FrankenBarry pretend not to notice, and say, “Yeah, I don’t think that’s gonna happen.” For one brief, shining moment, I giggle.
Lake Asswipe counts to 41, then goes downstairs in search of the groundskeeper. They run up to the first guy they see and inform him that the correct number is 41. The random tourist they’ve selected gives them a high-five, and that’s it. Suddenly they realize, hey, this isn’t the groundskeeper (all foam, no beer, those two). They are aggravated at the tourist for not being the groundskeeper (and who wouldn’t be?), but eventually find the old fellow and get their clue. They decide to do Big Fish. Michelle heads for the car, insisting it would be faster to drive to the market. “It says walk, ding dong!” Lake vociferates helpfully.
FrankenBarry continue to drive. Their left turn signal is on the whole time.
Ho is about two seconds away from rolling down her window and asking to borrow clothes from passers-by. Jo slumps down in his seat, trying to pretend he’s a cab driver who doesn’t know this walking public health warning. (Patron saint of venereal disease: St. Fiacre.)
Lake Asswipe finds the swordfish vendor. “What if this isn’t the guy and we’re stealing his fish?” Michelle panics. A rejection letter from MENSA wouldn't be too much of a surprise for you now, would it?
They walk to the fish market and find the right guy without much difficulty and get their clue. While they are running back to their car, someone on the street says, “Hello” to them. In English. Lake responds, “Hola!” This guy couldn’t dump water out of a boot if the instructions were on the heel.
The WonderGeek Twins are still looking for the right place, and finally ask directions – and immediately find a guy who will lead them there. “Thank you, I love you (especially when I’m right),” Lori says. “Love you (I hate when you do that),” Dave replies.
Ray & Yolanda are still looking for the amphitheater on foot, and finally find someone who doesn’t think they’re refugees from a 50 Cent video to help them.
Lake Asswipe are looking for Siracusa on a map. “Go this way, then turn that way,” Michelle suggests, looking at the map. “No, I’m overruling you, I’m just gonna ask this guy to lead us out of this damn town,” Lake insists. They make a turn, then see the sign for Siracusa. Lake whoops. “Kiss me darlin’! Boy, did we ever get lucky on that one!” “No, I’m just smart,” Michelle reminds him.
Pop quiz: How many members of each of their families died right after uttering the phrase, “Hey, watch this!”?
It’s a trick question. Their family trees don’t branch all that much.
Ray & Yolanda have found the amphitheater and are counting. They count 41, find the groundskeeper, and decide to do Big Fish. Dave & Lori park and follow the same pattern.
Ray & Yolanda pick up their fish and begin the haul to the fish market. Dave &Lori count to two score and one, find the groundskeeper, and get the clue. They, too, decide to do Big Fish, and brak brak brak.*
Meanwhile, the Frat Boys find the place that I can’t spell, and guess what? It’s a Road Block. One member of the team must play in a kayak polo match and score a goal to earn their next clue. This is a total lie, because as far as I can tell, there’s no “match” to be played. The Racer gets in a kayak, paddles near the goal, has someone pass him/her the ball, and tosses it into the net, unopposed. These are the most simplistic, retarded tasks I’ve ever seen. Next leg, the tasks are going to be mouth breathing and drooling, and there’ll STILL be someone who will find a way to fuck it up.
One of the Frats (does it matter which one? They’re both the sort of guys you’d use as a blueprint to build an idiot) gets in a kayak and pushes off with his hands. He is literally in a canoe without a paddle, and he has obviously never paddled anything before. He’s thrashing around like a pesky fresco out of water.
Ray & Yolanda deliver their fish, get back to their car, and start the drive.
Dave & Lori, while carrying the fish: “Love you. Is this not fun?” “This is awesome.” They are just cute as a cupcake. I can hardly stand it.
They find the right guy, get a clue, buy a map (map good), and drive.
The Frat Boy scores a goal. It’s the first time he’s scored since Lake’s mom needed bus fare.
The Hippies arrive, stowing their copies of High Times under the car seats. “Wow. Kayaking in Italy, man. WALSTIB.”
The Frat Boys get the last clue, directing them to the Pit Stop of Fonte Aretusa, a natural spring that’s so close by, they are told to walk there. They take off running like it’s dollar day at the whorehouse.
BJ quickly hops in the kayak and tosses in an easy goal. They, too, get the clue, and high-tail it to the Pit Stop.
FrankenBarry continue to drive, as does HoJo. Upon arriving at the Road Block, Barry decides to be the one to kayak. Jo volunteers for their team. Ho has managed to change; sadly, just her clothes, not her attitude. (Patron Saint against vanity: St. Rose of Lima.)
To get to Philamina and the Doormat of Fate, the teams have to run across a bridge and squeeze by a concert band playing a catchy tune. We see the Frat Boys running, and BJ & Tyler running, in that exasperating editing that makes it look like it’s anyone’s leg to win, but stick with the chalk: the Frat Boys get there first, and they also win a cruise. BJ & Tyler come in next.
Back at the kayaks, Jo scores a goal. Barry is making an effort, but in the words of his loving wife, “He’s pathetic. And he can’t score a goal, either.”
HoJo get their clue and hoof it to the pit stop. Barry finally scores (perhaps he could have used a Little Blue Pill beforehand) and they get their clue. How the hell they are managing to stay in this race is beyond me.
Lake Asswipe arrives, inexplicably wearing laser tag targets on their chests, and decide that Michelle will do the Road Block. She sucks at it worse than Barry. She bites so hard she leaves tracks. She finally scores, despite shouted criticisms thinly disguised as encouragement provided by her husband. “Make your way on foot,” she reads, when she gets the clue. “Foot, yes, foot! Foot!” Lake hoots. Thank you, Lake, we’re all challenged by your unique point of view, although I’ve put things on fishing hooks that are smarter than you.
The camera cuts to Philamina dancing like a frog in a blender to the music. (Patron Saint of rhematic chorea: St. Vitus.) He settles down, and greets HoJo with the news that they are Team Three. FrankenBarry arrive fourth. Lake Asswipe arrives fifth.
This leaves two teams. These are the same two teams who vied for last place on the last leg, just like the first two teams are the ones who were also the first two to arrive on the last leg. This is due largely, in my humble opinion, to the lack of Bunching. I thought Bunching was boring, and have campaigned against it, until I saw an Unbunched leg. This was the most boring.leg.ever. Now? I’m a big fan of the Bunching.
Ray & Yolanda and Team Dwork are searching for the kayak place. Ray & Yolanda find it first, and decide that Ray will take the plunge. He tosses the ball, misses worse than Vanderjagt in the AFC Championship Game, and flips over. He splutters, climbs back in, scores, and they set off for the Fonte.
Dave & Lori arrive, and Dave gets in the kayak. “May the force be with you,” Lori says. I’m sensing that one of them owns a Slave Girl Gold Bikini, and I’m thinking that’s her, since Dave is definitely more in the Jabba the Hutt mold. He misses once, then hits. They get the clue, ask for directions, then jog.
We see Ray and Yolanda jogging, too. This would create some suspense if we hadn’t seen Dave & Lori arrive at the Road Block as Ray and Yolanda were finishing. Team Lando have no shot, short of Ray or Yolanda pulling a hammy, but unfortunately, they are in decent physical condition, and they arrive sixth.
Dave & Lori, not being utter schlubs, realize they are last. As they are jogging along, Lori jokes, “If this is a non-elmination leg, we’re going to be stuck in these fishy clothes for the rest of the race.” Dave shows his dedication to her by saying, “If this IS a non-elimination leg, I will wash your fishy clothes tonight.” “Love you’s” are exchanged as they approach Phil.
But it IS an elimination, and they are done. They’re both tearful, but they have the good grace to thank Phil for the experience. In their final confessional, they gush some more about how in love they are. They’re just SO GODDAMN ADORABLE.
Dave leaves us with a final thought: “Nerds rule.” (Patron Saint of computer geeks: St. Isidore of Seville.)
Drape the Circle Of halls in black, pilgrims, and let there be songs of mourning and dirges of pain: The Nerds are dead. Long live the Nerds.
Next week: Olympic-style rasslin’, and Fran learns that you don’t list your actual greatest fear on the TAR application.
In conclusion, as we contemplate the events of Holy Week, meditate on this question: If Jesus was Jewish, why did he have a Mexican name?
Thanks for reading.
* Landru invented that, you know. What? It’s not a TAR summary unless it has braks. ¶ 10:09 AM 3 Comments
or
Gargling at the Fountain of Knowledge By ilse
Previously, on The Assholes, Revisited...
Well, normally in this spot, you’d get a brief recap of last week’s show, in case you had something better to do during that time, like snake the bathtub drain, or have a wart removed, or stare at the wall until the voices in your head stop screaming at you. Although as much as this show sucks this season, those would all be pretty much lateral moves.
No, this week, we get an overview of the entire show to date. This is the network’s attempt to draw people in who would normally be tuning in to watch something else in this time slot, because CBS switched TAR from Tuesdays at 10 (which is already an hour later than it was last season) to Wednesdays at 8. What the hell?
See, there’s this new, gritty show called “The Unit” that they want so badly to succeed they’re putting it on between two acronymic crime dramas (NCIS and CSI) and hoping the Nielsen families mistake it for porn. And they really want “Criminal Minds,” the offal in the 9 o’clock Wednesday slot, to attract a larger audience, so they’re moving their Emmy-winning, loyally-watched reality show (no, the one with Phil) to Humpday, and hoping that people are too stupid or lazy to operate their remotes.
Or that viewers can forget Mandy Patinkin as either the Elmo in Grouchland villain with the Andy Rooney eyebrows, or Inigo Montoya. Which I can’t. But then, I do have to be at least a little grateful; I was going to be truly saddened if I had to abandon the Lady Terps playing Dook in the NCAA National Championship game so I could watch this dreck.And dreck it is, dreck on parade, beginning in Colorado, then flying to Brazil, eliminating first The Happy Boys (“You say ‘in the closet’ like it’s a BAD thing”) and then the Saggy Old Broads (I’d suggest they act their age, but that would involve them holding very, very still in a six-foot-long box, and we don’t want Dweezil getting all excited this early in the summary). The teams moved on to Russia, then to Germany, saying good bye to the single mom/future single mom team, who were so stupid their fingers and toes were numbered (English on one hand, Spanish on the other). Italy was the next stop, and we joyfully witnessed the demise of the girls my co-workers refer to as “The Boobthings”, who dress like they shop at the Stupid Spoiled Whore Emporium. I’d really like to smack the crap out of them if I didn’t think it would fill up a room.
We begin with panoramic views of Sicily, and zoom in on an area called Segesta, which we are told was destroyed by the Vandals 2300 years ago, and although I’m not all that comfortable doing math without my printing calculator, that seems to me to come out to 300 B.C. Which is funny, because my history degree (and my world history book) tells me that the Vandals were an East Germanic tribe who invaded Sicily in the middle of the 5th century A.D. But what’s 750 years among friends? I mean, it’s not like the difference between the Magna Carta and the moon landing...oh, wait, yes it is.
This is the Pit Stop, from which the remaining teams will leave. The first ones to depart are BJ & Tyler (The Bear was unavailable, still doing promo tours for his sweet gig in King Kong), the Haight-Ashbury Summer o’ Love (Yes, Goth, I did nearly spell that with one ‘m’) wannabees.
Please note their resemblance to the contemptible Ethan Zohn and the quirky Spin Doctors front man, Chris Barron, respectively.The first leg of their trip is to Catania, a city all the way on the east coast of Sicily (from an official Sicilian tourism site: “Catania is certainly worth seeing -- at least for a brief visit.” Now THAT’s a glowing recommendation. Screw Disneyworld, kids...we’re going to Catania!). They’ll find their next clue in the ruins of an old Roman amphitheater. Jeez, how hard could that be? I mean, there must be one on every corner; they were like the Starbucks of the ancient world.
Cultural note: The patron saint of Catania is St. Agatha. According to a Catholic website about patron saints, the standard representation for Agatha is a “virgin martyr wearing a veil and bearing her severed breasts on a silver platter.” She’s the patron saint of wet nurses, volcanic eruptions, and jewelers, and there’s a pearl necklace joke in there somewhere, but I’m certainly way too much of a proper lady to mention it.
However, in recognition of Holy Week (Hosanna, Hosannadanna), I will include other patron saint references throughout, where appropriate (or not). So, technically, by reading this, you will have fulfilled your religious obligations for the week, and can take Easter Sunday off to stuff your face with candy and read “Me Talk Pretty One Day.” I mean, come on -- isn’t that what Easter’s all about?
And now, back to our program, already in progress.
The Hippies, in confessional: We’re ahead of the frat boys, but we totally need to extend our lead. I mean, they’re really, really, really, really dumb, but that’s only one more “really” than us. No, look, there they are behind us! No, like, right behind us, man! It’s totally freaking me out! Oh, my god, this is some good shit. Pass the Cheetos.
They stop to pet a stray dog (Patron Saint of mad dogs: St. Sithney, who was called by God to be the patron saint of girls seeking husbands, and begged off, saying he preferred his crazy bitches to have four legs), then hop in a waiting marked car. They easily find Catania on a map and plot a course to get there. The course includes a brief stop-off for rolling papers and Slurpees.
Back at the Pit Stop, the Frat Boys are ready to leave, because someone left their cage open.
The Frat Boys, in confessional: We’re learning as we go. Which is good, because if we kept getting stupider, someone would have to water us twice a week.
They have a map, and they think this gives them “a huge advantage.” Unfortunately, their map looks like this:
Remember: Map good. No map, bad. See? They’re learning! Next on the agenda: what bears do in the woods.
Speaking of purposeless pieces of crap, next up is HoJo.
Ho, in confessional: I’ve learned a lot about myself during the race. Like, before this, my ambition in life was to be a Hooters girl. But now, I want to be a Hooters HOSTESS. It’s this kind of motivation and inner strength that prove that I’m an asset.
She’s off by two letters, of course. So sad...a body that won’t quit and a brain that won’t start.
They don’t have a map (remember: no map, bad). They stop a stranger on the side of the road, who not only shows them where Catania is, but gives them his map (map good). HoJo are stunned at this turn of events.
Jo: No way in America am I stopping at 5 o’clock in the morning for strange people asking me for directions -- I might get murdered.
First of all, it wouldn’t take as much motivation as you think. Second of all, you’re in Sicily. Did you not see The Godfather? Don’t stop at any toll booths. (Patron Saint of protection against gunshots: St. Barbara. .)
The next to leave is Team FrankenBarry (I just love that...but does that make Ray and Yolanda Count Chocula?). Barry waxes nostalgic on being a Vietnam vet, and says that he and Fran thought that the war would tear them apart, but really, it was that commie bitch Jane Fonda. We’re not sure how this relates to the race. They have a tour book. It is unclear whether this is good or bad, in comparison to having a map.
The Hippies have arrived in Catania, and follow a taxi driver to the amphitheater. They run to the iron gates, only to find them closed, with a sign stating that the amphitheater opens at 8:30 a.m. We prepare to witness The Bunching, a time-honored TAR tradition: no matter how large a lead the first couple of teams have, there will be at least one spot like this one that allows the teams in the back to catch up.
Beej, who seems, unlike most TAR contestants, to have actually watched the show once or twice, recognizes this as the designated Bunching spot. Ever the cutup, he makes a little notebook-paper sign-in sheet, mocking the Bunching, and places it above the “open at 8:30” sign on the gates. Take one step forward if you think no one would ever be fooled into thinking the crumpled bit of paper has anything to do with the Race...not so fast, Frat Boys.
Back at the Pit Stop (yes, there are teams still leaving), we see Lake & Michelle, who miscount their money, and whine, and are generally horrid and passive-aggressive to each other (Patron Saint of difficult marriages and verbal abuse: St. Monica).
Lake, in confessional: She needs to shut up. She’s always nagging me about not listening...or some shit like that, I don’t know.
Close on their heels (although we don’t really have any idea) is Dave & Lori, the Wonder Geeks. You know what’s funny? I just Googled “+geeks +’in love’” and the #5 link was Dave & Lori. How cool is that? (Further aside: the #3 link is entitled “The Joy of Tech,” which I think is a site dedicated to knitting gags for insufferable morons.) The Geeks want to stay positive and “keep on truckin,” although I fail to see how either Robert Crumb or Jerry Garcia is going to help them, here.
And, finally, Ray & Yolanda. They look very tired, but Yolanda is near-bubbly with wuv.
Yolanda, in confessional: I love him more watching him in the race. He’s strong, he’s smart, and he’s FINE. He climbs things, and lifts things, and drives, and he exudes manliness from every manly pore in his manly body.
I think we know what they spent their time doing during the “mandatory rest period.”
They ask directions from a Danny Aiello lookalike. However, they still do not have a map, and as we know, no map, bad.
Catania awakens from its slumber. Old pruney women open shops, old drunk men look for a pickup bocci ball game...Christ, isn’t anyone in Catania under 75? Oh, there they are, both of them, sucking face on a park bench. They better hurry up and get bizzay if they’re going to repopulate the island.
The Frat Boys find the amphitheater and discover the sign-in sheet. They sign it. A local walks up with a petition to outlaw nude beaches, and they sign it. A Scientologist walks up with a donation pledge form for $5,000, and they sign it. They are presented with a petition to allow fishermen to use live puppies as shark bait, and they sign it. Suddenly, the 15 watt bulbs over their head fade in, and they question the authenticity of the sign-in sheet. They actually debate about it for a couple of minutes before the Hippies take pity on them and let them in in the joke. Outwitted by Hippies...not something to put on one’s resume. (Patron Saint of state schools: St. Martin de Porres, who also happens to be the first African-American saint.)FrankenBarry have arrived in Catania...sort of. They’re lost. From the grafitti, it appears they have successfully discovered Italian Harlem, which settles the question: tour book is not the same as a map. No map, bad.
The clock chimes 8:30, and no other teams have arrived. The Hippies and the Frat Boys go down into the sunken amphitheater to pluck their clue from its box-lair. The task is simple: around the outer perimeter of the amphitheater is a fence, and approximately every other fence post is topped with a small head. They must run around the amphitheater, do a head-count, and then find the groundskeeper.
If they give good head-count to the groundskeeper, they will recieve their next clue. This takes each team approximately 3.5 seconds, as there are only 41 of the heads. Thank goodness there aren’t any all-girl teams left, or they’d never be able to count to 41 (wait for it....two teams...fingers and toes and...yes, there you go).Detour alert! Today, our task choices are:
a. Big fish
b. Little fish
c. Red fish
d. Blue fish
For Big Fish, teams walk to a certain street vendor, and each member picks up a 32-pound swordfish, and then carries it 1/3 mile to Storico la Pescheria (“Ye Olde Fishe Shoppe”). Once they find a particular fish vendor, he will trade them their fishes for their next clue (and a couple of loaves). For Little Fish (a.k.a. The Lamer Task), the teams walk directly to Storico la Pescheria, where they will take over a merchant’s stall and sell 4 kilos (somewhere between 200 and 300 pounds, I think. I dunno, I’m an American, I don’t know from metric) of small Sicilian fish to earn their next clue.
This seems like a no-brainer. It’s approximately the same distance in travel; the only difference is that it might take a bit longer to walk it carrying a swordfish. But the time difference would certainly be less than the amount of time it would take to sell 500 pounds of small fish. (Patron saint of fish: St. Neot, who was reportedly only 15 inches tall. Riiiiiiiiiight.)
Both teams decide to take my advice.
FrankenBarry are now somewhere in Apulia, and Barry will not shut up about how screwed they are, and what a poor choice they made. His head is so far up his ass, he could chew his food twice, if he had his own teeth. I say again: no map, bad.
Here we have a commerical break. I don’t usually comment on commercials, but I’ll interject briefly on the Hallmark ad. No, there’s nothing particularly wrong with the ad, but I recently had a bad experience with Hallmark, and I’m going to use you as a captive audience to bitch about it. If you’re competely uninterested, tough noogies. Long story short, I had in my hand a card costing $2.25. I had no cash on me (as usual) and handed the cashier my debit card. She asked for my driver’s license, then informed me that she couldn’t accept my debit card for payment, because the name on my debit card did not match my driver’s license, and “frankly, ma’am, I don’t think this looks like you.”
Now, as many of you know, I married recently (I love being married. There’s nothing quite like finding that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life), and changed my name from Ilse Q. Smith – the name on the debit card -- to Ilse Q. Jones, the name on my new driver’s license (the Q. being the first letter of my maiden name, Smith being my ex-husband’s last name, and Jones being my new husband’s last name). The cashier said that unless I had a picture ID with the name on it that has not been my legal name for three months, or my marriage certificate, I could not make a purchase. I even produced my Social Security card, in the name of Ilse Q. Jones, and my plea was again rejected. It should be noted that in the 3 months I’ve been Mrs. Jones, this is the first instance in which I’ve been denied a purchase anywhere, and it was for a $2.25 card from Hallmark. If you’re more concerned about the possibility that someone is going to commit fraud over $2.25 than you are about common-sense customer service, then fuck you, Hallmark, you fascist pigs. (Patron saint against false witness: St. Felix of Nola.)
Just goes to prove there’s no vaccine against stupidity. Speaking of which, we’re back to the show. FrankenBarry are still lost.
We’re treated to another episode of “As My Stomach Turns,” starring Lake and Michelle, who are also lost and stuck in traffic. Lake asks Michelle if she recognizes anything. She hasn’t yet recognized that he’s a total ass, so I’m guessing no. He points. “Whut’s thayut?” “It’s yaller, it must be a school bus,” she says.
It is an airport shuttle, but thank you for playing. We have some lovely parting gifts for you, including a $20 gift certificate to Wal-Mart and the DVD boxed set of “The Jeff Foxworthy Show.” Oh, wait, you already have those. Never mind.
Those Adorable Geeks are jammed up with the masses, as well. Ray and Yolanda are not, but that’s only because they’re nowhere near the city yet.
HoJo pulls up to the amphitheater and begins counting heads as the Frat Boys and Hippies arrive at the fishmonger.
They each drape a swordfish across their shoulders and begin jogging to the market. The smell makes the Frat Boys miss the Double D’s. Tyler remarks that after a while and a little LSD, the fish stops feeling like a wet cat and starts feeling more like an ice pack.HoJo finish counting. Jo got 40; Ho got 41. To Jo’s credit, he defers to Ho’s number; to his shame, he is accepting without concern the fact that he was unable to successfully complete a Kindergarten-level task. They race down the steps of the amphitheater to find the groundskeeper, who confirms Ho’s number and hands them the clue. They, too, decide to do the fish-hauling. She’s concerned she can’t carry 30 pounds of excess dead weight, but she seems to balance her head on top of her neck just fine.
The Boy Teams have arrived at the market and are now trying to find the right merchant. Say what you will about the Got-Damn Hippies, but I have to commend them for two things: first, they always know at least a few words of the languages of each country they’ve visited (so far), and don’t attempt to speak Pig-Latin Esperanto to cab drivers. Second, they truly seem to appreciate the scenery and the cultural experience around them. I’m not saying that I don’t want them to slump over, just that they can take their time. If Dave and Lori can’t win (Patron Saint of impossible causes, St. Rita of Cascia), then I don’t hate the idea of it being the Doug Henning Bastard Children.
The swordfish are deposited and the clues distributed at the same time, which we can tell isn’t one of the sneaky camera tricks they use to make the race seem closer, because they’re all in the same shot together. In lieu of that, however, Bruckheimer insists on another annoying contrivance: captioning the teams “Currently in 1st place” and “Currently in 2nd place” when they received their clues at the same time and are standing next to each other. This is probably still proper, though, because the Frat Boys can’t think without moving their lips, much less read, so the Hippies are a half-step ahead.
They must now drive themselves to Siracusa (Syracuse), Sicily and find some place I can’t spell to find their next clue. They wend their way through the streets back the way they came. HoJo passes them going the other way, and BJ hugs Ho, in what at first seems to be a friendly gesture. A moment after he departs, however, she exclaims, “That smell – ohmigod, fish blood on my shirt!” Like that’s the worst sort of stain she’s ever had on her clothing. Other than that, Ms. Lewinsky, how was your tour of the White House?
From this point, the editing begins switching wildly between the remaining teams. I will do what I can to make some sense of the mess we’re presented with, but forgive me if it gets choppier than a stammering woodcutter’s convention.
FrankenBarry finally find the amphitheater. The boy teams find Siracusa on a map (map good) and agree to cooperate to find it together. FrankenBarry count 41 heads, and rush down below. Fran begins screaming “hello” every 3 feet, like the groundskeeper is on a cell phone that keeps cutting out. They eventually find him, and he hands over the clue. They decide to sell the small Sicilian Brasifish, the only team to make this choice, because “The tourbook said it’s FUN! That, and we’re so old, we fart dust.”
HoJo find the swordfish and attempt to carry them like they’re firelogs. Ho is visibly distressed and disgusted. She is also upset about having to carry a fish.
Lake Asswipe and Wife are still in traffic, and still bitching at each other (this is clearly their steady state). Dave & Lori are having The Eternal Male-Female conversation: “Why won’t you ask for directions?” “Because I’m not lost!” (Other popular riffs on this tune include “Toilet seats: up or down?” “What a Thermostat is For” and “How many goddamn pairs of shoes do you need?”/”How many holes does that underwear have to have before you throw it out?”)
Lori, to Dave: “I’m glad you’re being unilateral in the decision-making.”
I’m just glad that someone on this race is using a word like “unilateral,” and can pull off sarcasm.
Ray & Yolanda, who think that “unilateral” is something they can work on with their Bowflex machine, decide that they will completely circumvent the traffic and walk to the amphitheatre, hoping that they will encounter someone along the way who can tell them how to get there. Ray, however, is having a problem – everyone he walks up to and says “Theatre Romano?” just says “No,” and walks away quickly, like he’s the Black Panther Amway Salesman.
FrankenBarry try to sell fish by screeching “pesky, pesky fresco” at people. They are not having any luck, because the locals are not interested in purchasing bothersome paintings.
HoJo are schlepping the swordfish (which is not code) and Ho is complaining the entire time. “EW, fish guts, fish juice, ew, it’s all over me!” Gods, she’s such a species-ist. I mean, sure, human bodily fluids of any kind she’ll gladly wallow in on any given Saturday night, but put scales on the fluid provider, and she gets all squeamish. (Sicilian Word of the Day: The word “Stuppaghiara” literally means “a girl who can suck the cork out of a wine bottle.”)
HoJo try to deliver the fish to the wrong guy, who has no idea why they’re delivering swordfish to him. They wait expectantly for the clue that is not forthcoming. (Patron Saint of the mentally challenged: St.Christina the Astonishing.) Ho begins to cry. Boy, if she doesn’t develop a higher threshold for stress, she’ll never make it to Patron Sainthood. HoJo go off in search of the right guy, shouting his name, but pronouncing it incorrectly.
FrankenBarry sell a few pesky frescos. HoJo are still looking for the right guy, and some other merchant finally tells them how to pronounce his name.
Ho drops the fish onto the ground and insists that she just can’t carry it anymore. Her makeup is running in streaks down her face, and we have to question her choice of non-waterproof mascara. She whines, “This is the worst thing I’ve ever done, besides screwing the entire Razorback football team.”She’s about as useless as the Pope’s testicles. Maybe the commercial break will give her enough time to collect herself.
Nope. “Just tough it out,” Jo encourages her, with an edge to his voice that adds, “you whiny little skank.” She sniffles, the weight of the world on her shoulders, and hefts the fish dramatically, waiting for her Oscar. They finally find the right vendor, and get the clue. “Drive yourself to whatever,” Jo reads, anxious to be on their way. “Siracusa,” Ho snivels. Good to know that she’s never too defeated to quibble and correct him. Nothing more attractive than that. Jo: Pay attention, dood. This is the rest of your life, right here.
FrankenBarry are still trying to sell fish, and they’ve finally sold the requisite 650 pounds of ichthyophagous. They think it was fun. But then, they add a little Metamucil to their decaf for the extra kick.
HoJo are finally back at their car. They try to proceed down the clogged city streets with little luck. “I’m going to smell like a fish all damn day,” Ho moans. She continues to harp on this topic by pointing out various women on the street who are cleaner than she and smell less fishy, like the crack whores. I don’t suppose it would occur to her to change clothes; I doubt it’d be the first time she exposed herself in public. Jo tries to chew off his own arm to escape. (Patron Saint of trappers: St. Hubert of Liege.)
FrankenBarry check their map (ooh, a map now...map good) and attempt to find moss on the north side of Barry’s leg to get oriented. Lake Asswipe finally find the amphitheater. Lake motions to FrankenBarry for help as they drive away, but FrankenBarry pretend not to notice, and say, “Yeah, I don’t think that’s gonna happen.” For one brief, shining moment, I giggle.
Lake Asswipe counts to 41, then goes downstairs in search of the groundskeeper. They run up to the first guy they see and inform him that the correct number is 41. The random tourist they’ve selected gives them a high-five, and that’s it. Suddenly they realize, hey, this isn’t the groundskeeper (all foam, no beer, those two). They are aggravated at the tourist for not being the groundskeeper (and who wouldn’t be?), but eventually find the old fellow and get their clue. They decide to do Big Fish. Michelle heads for the car, insisting it would be faster to drive to the market. “It says walk, ding dong!” Lake vociferates helpfully.
FrankenBarry continue to drive. Their left turn signal is on the whole time.
Ho is about two seconds away from rolling down her window and asking to borrow clothes from passers-by. Jo slumps down in his seat, trying to pretend he’s a cab driver who doesn’t know this walking public health warning. (Patron saint of venereal disease: St. Fiacre.)
Lake Asswipe finds the swordfish vendor. “What if this isn’t the guy and we’re stealing his fish?” Michelle panics. A rejection letter from MENSA wouldn't be too much of a surprise for you now, would it?
They walk to the fish market and find the right guy without much difficulty and get their clue. While they are running back to their car, someone on the street says, “Hello” to them. In English. Lake responds, “Hola!” This guy couldn’t dump water out of a boot if the instructions were on the heel.
The WonderGeek Twins are still looking for the right place, and finally ask directions – and immediately find a guy who will lead them there. “Thank you, I love you (especially when I’m right),” Lori says. “Love you (I hate when you do that),” Dave replies.
Ray & Yolanda are still looking for the amphitheater on foot, and finally find someone who doesn’t think they’re refugees from a 50 Cent video to help them.
Lake Asswipe are looking for Siracusa on a map. “Go this way, then turn that way,” Michelle suggests, looking at the map. “No, I’m overruling you, I’m just gonna ask this guy to lead us out of this damn town,” Lake insists. They make a turn, then see the sign for Siracusa. Lake whoops. “Kiss me darlin’! Boy, did we ever get lucky on that one!” “No, I’m just smart,” Michelle reminds him.
Pop quiz: How many members of each of their families died right after uttering the phrase, “Hey, watch this!”?
It’s a trick question. Their family trees don’t branch all that much.
Ray & Yolanda have found the amphitheater and are counting. They count 41, find the groundskeeper, and decide to do Big Fish. Dave & Lori park and follow the same pattern.
Ray & Yolanda pick up their fish and begin the haul to the fish market. Dave &Lori count to two score and one, find the groundskeeper, and get the clue. They, too, decide to do Big Fish, and brak brak brak.*
Meanwhile, the Frat Boys find the place that I can’t spell, and guess what? It’s a Road Block. One member of the team must play in a kayak polo match and score a goal to earn their next clue. This is a total lie, because as far as I can tell, there’s no “match” to be played. The Racer gets in a kayak, paddles near the goal, has someone pass him/her the ball, and tosses it into the net, unopposed. These are the most simplistic, retarded tasks I’ve ever seen. Next leg, the tasks are going to be mouth breathing and drooling, and there’ll STILL be someone who will find a way to fuck it up.
One of the Frats (does it matter which one? They’re both the sort of guys you’d use as a blueprint to build an idiot) gets in a kayak and pushes off with his hands. He is literally in a canoe without a paddle, and he has obviously never paddled anything before. He’s thrashing around like a pesky fresco out of water.
Ray & Yolanda deliver their fish, get back to their car, and start the drive.
Dave & Lori, while carrying the fish: “Love you. Is this not fun?” “This is awesome.” They are just cute as a cupcake. I can hardly stand it.
They find the right guy, get a clue, buy a map (map good), and drive.
The Frat Boy scores a goal. It’s the first time he’s scored since Lake’s mom needed bus fare.
The Hippies arrive, stowing their copies of High Times under the car seats. “Wow. Kayaking in Italy, man. WALSTIB.”
The Frat Boys get the last clue, directing them to the Pit Stop of Fonte Aretusa, a natural spring that’s so close by, they are told to walk there. They take off running like it’s dollar day at the whorehouse.
BJ quickly hops in the kayak and tosses in an easy goal. They, too, get the clue, and high-tail it to the Pit Stop.
FrankenBarry continue to drive, as does HoJo. Upon arriving at the Road Block, Barry decides to be the one to kayak. Jo volunteers for their team. Ho has managed to change; sadly, just her clothes, not her attitude. (Patron Saint against vanity: St. Rose of Lima.)
To get to Philamina and the Doormat of Fate, the teams have to run across a bridge and squeeze by a concert band playing a catchy tune. We see the Frat Boys running, and BJ & Tyler running, in that exasperating editing that makes it look like it’s anyone’s leg to win, but stick with the chalk: the Frat Boys get there first, and they also win a cruise. BJ & Tyler come in next.
Back at the kayaks, Jo scores a goal. Barry is making an effort, but in the words of his loving wife, “He’s pathetic. And he can’t score a goal, either.”
HoJo get their clue and hoof it to the pit stop. Barry finally scores (perhaps he could have used a Little Blue Pill beforehand) and they get their clue. How the hell they are managing to stay in this race is beyond me.
Lake Asswipe arrives, inexplicably wearing laser tag targets on their chests, and decide that Michelle will do the Road Block. She sucks at it worse than Barry. She bites so hard she leaves tracks. She finally scores, despite shouted criticisms thinly disguised as encouragement provided by her husband. “Make your way on foot,” she reads, when she gets the clue. “Foot, yes, foot! Foot!” Lake hoots. Thank you, Lake, we’re all challenged by your unique point of view, although I’ve put things on fishing hooks that are smarter than you.
The camera cuts to Philamina dancing like a frog in a blender to the music. (Patron Saint of rhematic chorea: St. Vitus.) He settles down, and greets HoJo with the news that they are Team Three. FrankenBarry arrive fourth. Lake Asswipe arrives fifth.This leaves two teams. These are the same two teams who vied for last place on the last leg, just like the first two teams are the ones who were also the first two to arrive on the last leg. This is due largely, in my humble opinion, to the lack of Bunching. I thought Bunching was boring, and have campaigned against it, until I saw an Unbunched leg. This was the most boring.leg.ever. Now? I’m a big fan of the Bunching.
Ray & Yolanda and Team Dwork are searching for the kayak place. Ray & Yolanda find it first, and decide that Ray will take the plunge. He tosses the ball, misses worse than Vanderjagt in the AFC Championship Game, and flips over. He splutters, climbs back in, scores, and they set off for the Fonte.
Dave & Lori arrive, and Dave gets in the kayak. “May the force be with you,” Lori says. I’m sensing that one of them owns a Slave Girl Gold Bikini, and I’m thinking that’s her, since Dave is definitely more in the Jabba the Hutt mold. He misses once, then hits. They get the clue, ask for directions, then jog.
We see Ray and Yolanda jogging, too. This would create some suspense if we hadn’t seen Dave & Lori arrive at the Road Block as Ray and Yolanda were finishing. Team Lando have no shot, short of Ray or Yolanda pulling a hammy, but unfortunately, they are in decent physical condition, and they arrive sixth.
Dave & Lori, not being utter schlubs, realize they are last. As they are jogging along, Lori jokes, “If this is a non-elmination leg, we’re going to be stuck in these fishy clothes for the rest of the race.” Dave shows his dedication to her by saying, “If this IS a non-elimination leg, I will wash your fishy clothes tonight.” “Love you’s” are exchanged as they approach Phil.
But it IS an elimination, and they are done. They’re both tearful, but they have the good grace to thank Phil for the experience. In their final confessional, they gush some more about how in love they are. They’re just SO GODDAMN ADORABLE.
Dave leaves us with a final thought: “Nerds rule.” (Patron Saint of computer geeks: St. Isidore of Seville.)Drape the Circle Of halls in black, pilgrims, and let there be songs of mourning and dirges of pain: The Nerds are dead. Long live the Nerds.
Next week: Olympic-style rasslin’, and Fran learns that you don’t list your actual greatest fear on the TAR application.
In conclusion, as we contemplate the events of Holy Week, meditate on this question: If Jesus was Jewish, why did he have a Mexican name?
Thanks for reading.
* Landru invented that, you know. What? It’s not a TAR summary unless it has braks. ¶ 10:09 AM 3 Comments
Thursday, April 06, 2006
TAR 9 Episode 5 - Karma's Chameleons Wear Orange Pants
By Buggy
Before on the Amazing Race, there was some bunching in Moscow, a non elimination, some lost women, a found gnome and people named Wanda and Deserie were sent home from Germany at the 3rd Pitstop.
Wheezy wrote a lovely summary, all the details, all the highs all the lows, all the funny. (In German! )
I have to confess that I haven’t seen any episodes of The Race yet this season , til this one.
It starts at 9 o clock and that is just too late, I’m old and I get tired at darktime. I rarely see any show that doesn’t end by 9 Central.
So, I don’t know any of these people. I don’t know who is likeable, I don’t know who has been an ass. I don’t know who is funny. ( ha ha or weird)
I am sure we have some married people, and some dating couples, some buddy types, some lovable old folks, some siblings , and someone who will try to hug Phil ( Oh, I hope it happens this week, because that always cracks me up).
Anywho , I just ask that you bear with me as I try to figure out who these folks are, and which "type" they are playing.
PitStop
The episode begins in Somewhere, Germany, Europe.
This is the 4th Pitstop. There are 8 teams left.
First to leave, because they were first to arrive, is Eric and Jeremy. They pick up their clue that tells them to fly to Palermo Italy , and find a 100 year old Opera House.
Eric and Jeremy seem nice.
They tell us that they are just being idiots, competing and looking for chicks , like normal. ( My money says they are really the Gay Couple, these guys are way too well-groomed to be straight)
Next to leave the Pitstop is BJ & Tyler.
They have long hair and big smiles, and they tell us that they believe in good Karma , and that they use humor to get people to help them. We see them asking for directions to the Airport, we see them rewarding the directional samaritans with a funny little dance. Goodness begets goodness, kindness is it’s own reward, the circle of Karma is complete. OhhhMMMm.
(I think these young men are what was once known as " Hippys" , but I am pretty sure they are time travelers, because as everyone knows, Hippys don’t exist anymore. Hippy’s became extinct about the time the last VW Bus was sent to the junkyard. Besides, that BJ had to grow up in a commune, no way would he have survived public school with a name like that.
I would maybe buy that they were real Hippys if they were in their 50's or 60's, but they appear to be early 30's. Definitely time travelers.
I’m guessing that they are also well- liked by the fans, it’s a Karma thing.)
After getting directions to the Airport, our Dippys wait for the next pair of Racers, Lake and Michelle.
Lake and Michele are married parents, Lake and Michelle are southern, Lake and Michelle are Tim McGraw and Faith Hill! Only not as good-looking, or nice, or famous , or talented. ( But I’d bet ya a pack a gum, that the boy owns a cowboy hat.)
Lake tells us that Michelle has gotten them lost, and she needs to grow. He tells us that he is, "The Leader" of their team. He has a stupid name.
Munich Airport
The first team to arrive at the airport is Eric and Jeremy, who flirt up the ticket chicks. Flirty Flirty.! I guess the Airport is closed because there is no one else there in the middle of the night.
BJ and Tyler arrive looking for Air Italia and calling out, " Frat Boys! Frat Boys!" as they enter the terminal.
( Ah HA! I guess they are frat brothers and not a couple afterall. I still maintain they look awfully clean for straight boys, but I’m willing to believe the time travel hippy boys.)
Hippys find the Frat Boys playing Special Olympics. They race and crash in wheelchairs. They even fall on their heads. It’s amusing.
( But I did NOT laugh, oh no, no I did not. I would never laugh at people in wheelchairs, even when they are duffus fraternity boys who can walk perfectly well, and probably even fall down all by themselves without the help of wheelchairs. Nope, not laughing, not me.)
The TimeTravelingHippyDippysFromThePast (TTHDFTP) decide to waste some time playing in the wheelchairs too. Because that is what the chairs are there for, right? I mean it’s probably good Karma.
Lake and his woman arrive and decide they don’t have time for silly shenanigans and wheelchair races, they must get tickets. For some reason they fail to see the Airport as a fun place to play and think the main goal, is to catch a flight to Italy.
Geeze! What’s the big hurry?
So Lake and Michelle use the computer thingys to book a flight. Or, try to use them, because all the words are in German!
GASP!
It’s like they are in Germany or someplace!!!!
What will they do ? How will they manage? They need a Wheezy to translate! They got no Wheezy! How will they get tickets when they no can speaka the Deutsche! Oh woe and misery for the Lady and the Lake
Time Travelers wander in, flushed and exhilarated from their wheelchair games. They pick a computer terminal, they click on a little button that says " English" and they book a 6:35 flight that will arrive in Italy at 10:15 a.m. That’s it. That’s all. Done! That? is what you call " Good Karma" boys and girls.
(Does anyone else remember the Hudson Brothers show from the ‘70's? You know? They did that Razzle Dazzle song and wore the bad flashy psychedelic jumpsuits? You remember, right? The dark haired Hippy looks kinda like the Hudson that was nailing Goldie Hawn . Seriously, just like him. Remember that?)
By the time Michelle figures it out, the flight is full.
PitStop
Back at the Pitstop the next 3 teams are getting their clues and preparing to race to the Airport.
OLD PEOPLE!
Yes! I knew it!
Loveable old people, Fran and Barry, have been married 40 years.
( I assume to each other, because it’s not that big a deal if they married a whole bunch of other people before they met each other. I also assume that the female half of this team is the Fran, and the old guy is Barry, but you never know with old folks. I mean old people sometimes got the weird names, and there are guys named "Fran". Like that guy from That’s Incredible. Remember that show?
(You know what is freaky? That Fran guy was on That’s Incredible from 1980 to 1984, and The Hudson Brothers Show was on from 1974 to 1974. Spooky)
Granny Franny tells us that they are learning to play the game. Barry says they are trying hard to climb that ladder. They are just full of piss and vinegar these two!
Next to leave the pit is Dave and Lori.
Dave and Lori are dating and DEEPLY in LOVE. In fact, the way they are running this Race is solid proof that they are DEEPLY in LOVE. They are taking it One Leg at A Time, and racing smooth. Like Buttah.
( *Pssssst* Hey Lori, listen to me. I am sure Dave is a terrific guy and he seems to be DEEPLY in LOVE, with you and all that, and I am sure that you aren’t all shallow and superficial about his looks because you are DEEPLY in LOVE with him. But that man needs to shave and comb his hair. I’m not dissing him, he seems great, but once you are married? that whole scruffy unkempt look? Not so charming anymore. Really. Trust me, if he doesn’t shavenow, he will never pick up his socks later. I’d cut him a little slack with the whole " racing around the world" thing, if he didn’t just have a 12 hour break. Please tell me that Dave the BoyToy had a shower at some point in that 12 hours. )
Dave and Lori grab their clue and off they run.
Lori- "Going to Italy!"
Dave- " Rock solid!"
Lori - "Kickass!"
Next to leave is Joseph and Monica, another dating couple. Monica is steering the wheel, making the decisions, reading the clues.
Monica - "We are going to Pal ER Moe, Italy"
She tells us that she is proud to be making the decisions and calling the shots for her team. She says that some people look at her like a "dumb blond" , but she can use that to her advantage.
Monica - " Joseph! I can’t believe we are going to PAL ELMO ! YAY!"
Airport
It must be morning because our racers back at the airport are talking about actually getting some tickets for some flights. The Airport stuff always confuses me, I never firgure out who has tickets and what time, and which connection is better. But I will try to sort this out for me, so I can sort it out for you.
The Time Traveling Karmainiacs got like the last seats on a fully booked flight to Rome. They got them over the internet, earlier, when the clean college boys were playing and Michelle was trying to read in German. Turns out no one else was worried about getting tickets to Palermo, til now.
Lake and Lake’s Woman run to the Lufthansa window and see what they have got going on in the way of flights to Italy. They are able to get a 9:30 departure on a flight to Rome.
Frannie and Bare use Lufthansa for a tickets too, and easy peasy they also get a 9:30 to Rome, but the kicker is that there is an earlier connection to Pal Elmo than the one that Lake and Lake’s Wife got. Francie is all a giggle over putting one over on those meddling kids.
Lake sees Fran and the Old guy at the window and is worried that someone else might figure out that the German airline may have some flights leaving Germany ( go figure), he doesn’t want anyone else getting tickets on the Lufthansa flight , and other racers will probably be arriving at the Airport soon, so he approaches Frannie .
Lake - " Fran? Did anyone see you getting tickets?"
Fran - " Back up! Back AWAY!! Please, just back a way."
Lake- " It’s okay, we already have our tickets, did anyone else see you..."
Fran- " Back away! Back AWAY! GO AWAY!!!"
Hey! Wait a minute!
Those aren’t cute loveable old people!
Those are crotchety old A-Holes!!
Lake clearly isn’t aware and doesn’t understand what is going on because he tries to talk to her again.
Lake - " We didn’t do anything to ya’ll"
Frannie - " GET OFF MY LAWN YOU STINKIN’ KIDS!!!"
In the meantime Eric & Jeremy lucked out somehow and scored some seats on the first flight out with the Karma Kids ( on the flight that was full already). Lori and Dave arrive and get tickets on the second flight ( Lufthansa ! It’s like everybody knows about it already.)
PitStop
The 7th team to leave to pitstop is Ray and Yolanda. They are another dating couple , and finally we have some people of color on this episode. Ray says that being with Yolanda on the race has made him see what she is really made of. She is strong minded and he respects her. I don’t know if I like them yet, but she has pretty hair. They make their way to the Airport.
Airport
Joseph and Monica are now with the Airport crowd and in need of tickets. Unfortunately they aren’t real clear on where they need to go.
Joe tells the Lufthansa guy, " We need tickets to Palomino."
Monica corrects him, " No Joseph, it’s PAlamo "
And bless their hearts, I’m afraid they are going to end up in Texas.
PitStop
The 8th and final team to leave the pits is the Dani Team. One is named Danielle, and one is named Dani.. How cute! They look exactly alike! How cute! They are BFF! How absolutely adorable! Dan tells us that they promised each other they wouldn’t stress out, and "slow and steady " will get them through the race. ( Ummm, sure, like THAT ever works!)
Sooooo CUTE!
Fly Fly Away
They all get on planes and fly off to Rome, ( 3 planes) where the various teams will make various connecting flights and arrive at various times in Palermo.
To Rome
Flight 1 - BJ &Tyler, and Eric & Jeremy
Flight 2 - Lake & Michelle, Fran & Barry, Joseph & Monica and Lori & Dave
Flight 3 - Ray & Yolanda , and Dani and Dani
To Palermo
Flight 1 - BJ & Tyler
Flight 2 - Eric & Jeremy
Flight 3 - Fran & Barry, Joseph & Monica and Lori & Dave
Flight 4 - Lake & Michelle with Ray and Yolanda and Dani’s
Somehow, poor misunderstood Lake and his Lady got screwed on the connecting flight and ended up with the tailies. He’s pretty frustrated about it, as he should be. They left the Pit 3rd and get on the last plane , 3rd from last. It sucks, and he’s upset, and who can blame him. I decide I really like Michelle when she stays calm and gives him a pep talk.
Palermo
It’s a beautiful day in Palermo! The sun is shining, the Karma Hippy guys are using funny accented voices and collecting the clue. ( you come and go, you come and go)
Get in the marked car and drive yourselves 42 miles to Castle De Marrra De Golfo , a seaside town named for a fort . ( Really? A Fort? Okay, whatever you say Phil, you the Man!)
(You know who the blond TTHDFTP looks like? That guy from thirtysomething. You remember that show? The guy with with the long hair. Not Elliot, he was the red-headed guy who was kind of a jerk to his wife til she got cancer, (or maybe he was a jerk after she got the cancer), anyway, not Elliot , that other guy , the tall one who wore the jacket with the patches on the elbows, he was a teacher of some find. Gary! His name was Gary! The Blonde Hippy boy reminds me of him, Gary was supposed to be the "cool guy" on the show, but looking back on it, he dressed like kind of a stiff. You remember that, right? It was a good show, they used to show the reruns on Lifetime in the afternoon.)
Everyone arrives in Palermo, and everyone is ahead of Lake ( even those who can’t even SAY Palermo get there before the Lakes).
Our Hipster friends have opened the clue for the Detour ,which is a choice between 2 tasks.
This detour is Foundry or Laundry. For Foundry they have to go to a metal works shop and get a 110 pound bell , transport it to a church and then carry the bell up the church steps, where a priest will give them their next clue. For Laundry the racers have to locate an intersection where there are lines and lines of clothes drying between the balconies. They must search the 2400 pieces of laundry for one of the 16 items that is marked with a special tag.
The Karma Hippy buddies choose Laundry and dance about in a hilarious manner.
Who knew that wearing orange pants could make people so happy? ( Yes, I am going to get me some orange pants, why do you ask?)
There are scenes of all the teams picking up clues and racing about.
Barry the offensive and smelly, drives like an old guy, and tries to run down some people on motorbikes , while calling out " Driving like an Italian! Man, I LOVE it! " Frannie is so proud.
Lori and Dave are in traffic, Joseph can drive, Ray and Yolanda are still in it, but one of the Dani’s can’t drive a stick, allowing the Lake and Michelle to pass .
WooHoo for the Lakes, they aren’t in last anymore. They are second to last, but it’s better than last.
BJ & Tyler ( clearly the Heros of the episode) work the Laundry and very quickly find a shirt with the special tag. ( I think they found the tag so quickly because the shirt was blinding hot pink, and I think our Happy Hippy friends are attracted to bright colors.)
They collect their next clue from the laundry woman calling " Bella Bella" and pretty much spreading joy throughout the whole country, while dancing about in those fabulous orange pants.
The clue tells them to drive 13 miles to the ancient town of Segrestra . Caution, there is a Yield .
The Frat Boy Friends ( in 2nd place) choose the laundry task and make lame jokes about finding Phil’s turtlenecks hanging on the line. ( They are cute, totally growing on me, and not in the fungus kinda way either.)
" Look! It's Phil's shirt!"
They complete the task pretty quickly , grab their clue, wonder if they will be yielded by the happy shaggy haired heros, and dash off.
Joseph and Monica ( in 3rd) decide the foundry task is for them, since moving a big heavy bell up some steep steps sounds faster. I don’t blame them, I avoid laundry whenever I can too.
Our Time Traveling heros arrive at the Yield box first, pretend to think about yielding other teams, and do not yield anyone. The clue contains a Roadblock ( a task that only one member of the team can perform, while the other member sits back and either gripes or heckles depending on how far behind they are)
The task is to put together a classical ( meaning " nearly naked") Greek statue, and then have an archaeologist check your work and give you a clue . It’s like a puzzle, but there is a trick. Two extra pieces have been added to the pile of puzzle pieces. Two pieces that don’t go anywhere at all. This is sure to create hi-jinx and hilarity with our race teams.
By the way, there is no way to begin to describe how beautiful the countryside is. The hills, the ancient ruins, it’s all just amazingly stunning.
So the blond hippyman gets to do the statue task, his teammate cheering him on, the task goes quickly and they finish with a flourish of excited and random Italian words. The 2 extra pieces didn’t stump them a bit.
Since we know that the TTHDFTF are going to come in first, I’m going to pick up the pace on this here summary story, because really, does anyone care about the other teams? ( oh sure I’ll let you know who got eliminated and stuff, no worries, but I may have to skip a few of the more boring segments.)
Monica bitches at Joey as he finishes the Bell task pretty much on his own.
Fran and Barry walk back and forth past the clue box for what seems like 40 minutes ( it’s actually only about 5 minutes) it’s funny.
They decide to do the laundry challenge and finish without trouble. (Somebodies laundry is totally gonna smell like old people.)
Dave and Lori are working well together , encouraging and DEEPLY in LOVE, as the laundry challenge kicks their ass. It is taking them way too long, and other teams are gonna catch up.
Michelle and Lake pick laundry and cheer each other on as they try to find the alley of the clotheslines. They are nice to each other, I think I like them.
Dani Deux are lost, are last, are listless and laundry is their task.
Ray and Yolanda choose the Bell and as he powers it up the stairs, muscles bulging, she swoons. He is THE MAN! They are starry eyed on each other, and really quite cute.
Lori and Dave are getting frustrated as the other two teams show up for the laundry task, now all are searching
( I would like to mention that Lake is wearing a pair of black knee length leggings under his baggy khaki shorts, I don’t know why, but it does look stupid as hell)
Lori and Dave find it first ( finally) with Team Lake and Double Dan to follow.
( And seriously, the Laundry task? about as much fun to watch as folding a load of socks. Totally BORING!)
Eric and Jeremy are in 2nd place and arriving at the Yield box when they see The Hippy Heros running down a path to the pit stop.
The Pitstop which is one mile downhill from the task, is in beautiful ruins from the 5th Century B.C. CBS spares no expense, and lets them pit at the most awesome ruins of awesomely amazing ruins, ever, like anywhere. ( It’s really pretty, a perfect spot for a drum circle)
Our Happy Karma Hippys arrive at the mat first and great Phil. The act surprised to be first, they play being shocked that they get prizes. " WOW! A Digital media center! Wow! A Camera! WOW we get to stand next to Phil!" These guys are the perfect race contestants, fun, funny, quirky. I love them.
E & J start the statue task ( well one of them does and I can’t tell them apart) the other talks about how ripped Greek guys are, and how hot the statue is, and he poses and struts and offers himself for inspiration.
Despite the distractions they get it done without the extra pieces causing them any trouble, way too easy, and off they trek to the pitstop of awesomeness.
They know that they are the second team to arrive and they are disappointed . Phil looks a little terbed that the Fratties aren’t leaping for joy ( and therefore bad TV). Frats tell Phil they made some mistakes, and they vow to beat those darn Hippys if it’s the last thing they do!
The Blond, but Definitely not dumb, Monica builds the statue and notices some pieces don’t seem to fit ( finally, that trick is going to stump someone). The not dumb and ever helpful Joseph yells, " Don’t get frustrated!!!!"
Bare and Fransome show up. Fran will build the neekid man, Barry tells her to relax and take her time, the view from the mountain is beautiful and he wants to take a nap. Barry is a cocky old fool.
( Yes, I said "cock" and "Barry" in the same sentence. Yes, I am grossed out too.)
Monica and Joey are 3rd at the Phil mat.
Lori and Dave are still lost
Ray and Yolanda are still lost
Lake and Michelle finally find the laundry tag , and though they aren’t lost yet, will be soon.
Dani and Dani are " Hanging on by a thread"
And this has become the most boring thing I have ever watched , and writing about it is worse.
I can hardly stay awake
Barry and Frantic are 4th at the mat.
Lake and Lake’s Woman use the yield on the Dani’s. I think it’s a good move, because chances are that they will mess up or get lost, or walk back and forth up and down mountains for no reason, Karma has not been kind to them and they need an edge..
And then..........
Oops!
Oh No!
Oh Shit!
Darn that Karma!
I spilled a non-alcoholic, decaf beverage on my notes.
Darn, that really sucks too, because the episode got so damned interesting after the first teams finished hours before all the lame ass filler racers. I was having such a good time telling you all about who was the most lost.
Oh well.
The Dani’s got eliminated, no one was sad.
The End
Next Week Ilse will tell you about the Amazing Race! ¶ 6:26 PM 4 Comments
Before on the Amazing Race, there was some bunching in Moscow, a non elimination, some lost women, a found gnome and people named Wanda and Deserie were sent home from Germany at the 3rd Pitstop.
Wheezy wrote a lovely summary, all the details, all the highs all the lows, all the funny. (In German! )
I have to confess that I haven’t seen any episodes of The Race yet this season , til this one.
It starts at 9 o clock and that is just too late, I’m old and I get tired at darktime. I rarely see any show that doesn’t end by 9 Central.
So, I don’t know any of these people. I don’t know who is likeable, I don’t know who has been an ass. I don’t know who is funny. ( ha ha or weird)
I am sure we have some married people, and some dating couples, some buddy types, some lovable old folks, some siblings , and someone who will try to hug Phil ( Oh, I hope it happens this week, because that always cracks me up).
Anywho , I just ask that you bear with me as I try to figure out who these folks are, and which "type" they are playing.
PitStop
The episode begins in Somewhere, Germany, Europe.
This is the 4th Pitstop. There are 8 teams left.
First to leave, because they were first to arrive, is Eric and Jeremy. They pick up their clue that tells them to fly to Palermo Italy , and find a 100 year old Opera House.
Eric and Jeremy seem nice.
They tell us that they are just being idiots, competing and looking for chicks , like normal. ( My money says they are really the Gay Couple, these guys are way too well-groomed to be straight)
Next to leave the Pitstop is BJ & Tyler.
They have long hair and big smiles, and they tell us that they believe in good Karma , and that they use humor to get people to help them. We see them asking for directions to the Airport, we see them rewarding the directional samaritans with a funny little dance. Goodness begets goodness, kindness is it’s own reward, the circle of Karma is complete. OhhhMMMm.
(I think these young men are what was once known as " Hippys" , but I am pretty sure they are time travelers, because as everyone knows, Hippys don’t exist anymore. Hippy’s became extinct about the time the last VW Bus was sent to the junkyard. Besides, that BJ had to grow up in a commune, no way would he have survived public school with a name like that.
I would maybe buy that they were real Hippys if they were in their 50's or 60's, but they appear to be early 30's. Definitely time travelers.
I’m guessing that they are also well- liked by the fans, it’s a Karma thing.)
After getting directions to the Airport, our Dippys wait for the next pair of Racers, Lake and Michelle.
Lake and Michele are married parents, Lake and Michelle are southern, Lake and Michelle are Tim McGraw and Faith Hill! Only not as good-looking, or nice, or famous , or talented. ( But I’d bet ya a pack a gum, that the boy owns a cowboy hat.)
Lake tells us that Michelle has gotten them lost, and she needs to grow. He tells us that he is, "The Leader" of their team. He has a stupid name.
Munich Airport
The first team to arrive at the airport is Eric and Jeremy, who flirt up the ticket chicks. Flirty Flirty.! I guess the Airport is closed because there is no one else there in the middle of the night.
BJ and Tyler arrive looking for Air Italia and calling out, " Frat Boys! Frat Boys!" as they enter the terminal.
( Ah HA! I guess they are frat brothers and not a couple afterall. I still maintain they look awfully clean for straight boys, but I’m willing to believe the time travel hippy boys.)
Hippys find the Frat Boys playing Special Olympics. They race and crash in wheelchairs. They even fall on their heads. It’s amusing.
( But I did NOT laugh, oh no, no I did not. I would never laugh at people in wheelchairs, even when they are duffus fraternity boys who can walk perfectly well, and probably even fall down all by themselves without the help of wheelchairs. Nope, not laughing, not me.)
The TimeTravelingHippyDippysFromThePast (TTHDFTP) decide to waste some time playing in the wheelchairs too. Because that is what the chairs are there for, right? I mean it’s probably good Karma.
Lake and his woman arrive and decide they don’t have time for silly shenanigans and wheelchair races, they must get tickets. For some reason they fail to see the Airport as a fun place to play and think the main goal, is to catch a flight to Italy.
Geeze! What’s the big hurry?
So Lake and Michelle use the computer thingys to book a flight. Or, try to use them, because all the words are in German!
GASP!
It’s like they are in Germany or someplace!!!!
What will they do ? How will they manage? They need a Wheezy to translate! They got no Wheezy! How will they get tickets when they no can speaka the Deutsche! Oh woe and misery for the Lady and the Lake
Time Travelers wander in, flushed and exhilarated from their wheelchair games. They pick a computer terminal, they click on a little button that says " English" and they book a 6:35 flight that will arrive in Italy at 10:15 a.m. That’s it. That’s all. Done! That? is what you call " Good Karma" boys and girls.
(Does anyone else remember the Hudson Brothers show from the ‘70's? You know? They did that Razzle Dazzle song and wore the bad flashy psychedelic jumpsuits? You remember, right? The dark haired Hippy looks kinda like the Hudson that was nailing Goldie Hawn . Seriously, just like him. Remember that?)
By the time Michelle figures it out, the flight is full.
PitStop
Back at the Pitstop the next 3 teams are getting their clues and preparing to race to the Airport.
OLD PEOPLE!
Yes! I knew it!
Loveable old people, Fran and Barry, have been married 40 years.
( I assume to each other, because it’s not that big a deal if they married a whole bunch of other people before they met each other. I also assume that the female half of this team is the Fran, and the old guy is Barry, but you never know with old folks. I mean old people sometimes got the weird names, and there are guys named "Fran". Like that guy from That’s Incredible. Remember that show?
(You know what is freaky? That Fran guy was on That’s Incredible from 1980 to 1984, and The Hudson Brothers Show was on from 1974 to 1974. Spooky)
Granny Franny tells us that they are learning to play the game. Barry says they are trying hard to climb that ladder. They are just full of piss and vinegar these two!
Next to leave the pit is Dave and Lori.
Dave and Lori are dating and DEEPLY in LOVE. In fact, the way they are running this Race is solid proof that they are DEEPLY in LOVE. They are taking it One Leg at A Time, and racing smooth. Like Buttah.
( *Pssssst* Hey Lori, listen to me. I am sure Dave is a terrific guy and he seems to be DEEPLY in LOVE, with you and all that, and I am sure that you aren’t all shallow and superficial about his looks because you are DEEPLY in LOVE with him. But that man needs to shave and comb his hair. I’m not dissing him, he seems great, but once you are married? that whole scruffy unkempt look? Not so charming anymore. Really. Trust me, if he doesn’t shavenow, he will never pick up his socks later. I’d cut him a little slack with the whole " racing around the world" thing, if he didn’t just have a 12 hour break. Please tell me that Dave the BoyToy had a shower at some point in that 12 hours. )
Dave and Lori grab their clue and off they run.
Lori- "Going to Italy!"
Dave- " Rock solid!"
Lori - "Kickass!"
Next to leave is Joseph and Monica, another dating couple. Monica is steering the wheel, making the decisions, reading the clues.
Monica - "We are going to Pal ER Moe, Italy"
She tells us that she is proud to be making the decisions and calling the shots for her team. She says that some people look at her like a "dumb blond" , but she can use that to her advantage.
Monica - " Joseph! I can’t believe we are going to PAL ELMO ! YAY!"
Airport
It must be morning because our racers back at the airport are talking about actually getting some tickets for some flights. The Airport stuff always confuses me, I never firgure out who has tickets and what time, and which connection is better. But I will try to sort this out for me, so I can sort it out for you.
The Time Traveling Karmainiacs got like the last seats on a fully booked flight to Rome. They got them over the internet, earlier, when the clean college boys were playing and Michelle was trying to read in German. Turns out no one else was worried about getting tickets to Palermo, til now.
Lake and Lake’s Woman run to the Lufthansa window and see what they have got going on in the way of flights to Italy. They are able to get a 9:30 departure on a flight to Rome.
Frannie and Bare use Lufthansa for a tickets too, and easy peasy they also get a 9:30 to Rome, but the kicker is that there is an earlier connection to Pal Elmo than the one that Lake and Lake’s Wife got. Francie is all a giggle over putting one over on those meddling kids.
Lake sees Fran and the Old guy at the window and is worried that someone else might figure out that the German airline may have some flights leaving Germany ( go figure), he doesn’t want anyone else getting tickets on the Lufthansa flight , and other racers will probably be arriving at the Airport soon, so he approaches Frannie .
Lake - " Fran? Did anyone see you getting tickets?"
Fran - " Back up! Back AWAY!! Please, just back a way."
Lake- " It’s okay, we already have our tickets, did anyone else see you..."
Fran- " Back away! Back AWAY! GO AWAY!!!"
Hey! Wait a minute!
Those aren’t cute loveable old people!
Those are crotchety old A-Holes!!
Lake clearly isn’t aware and doesn’t understand what is going on because he tries to talk to her again.
Lake - " We didn’t do anything to ya’ll"
Frannie - " GET OFF MY LAWN YOU STINKIN’ KIDS!!!"
In the meantime Eric & Jeremy lucked out somehow and scored some seats on the first flight out with the Karma Kids ( on the flight that was full already). Lori and Dave arrive and get tickets on the second flight ( Lufthansa ! It’s like everybody knows about it already.)
PitStop
The 7th team to leave to pitstop is Ray and Yolanda. They are another dating couple , and finally we have some people of color on this episode. Ray says that being with Yolanda on the race has made him see what she is really made of. She is strong minded and he respects her. I don’t know if I like them yet, but she has pretty hair. They make their way to the Airport.
Airport
Joseph and Monica are now with the Airport crowd and in need of tickets. Unfortunately they aren’t real clear on where they need to go.
Joe tells the Lufthansa guy, " We need tickets to Palomino."
Monica corrects him, " No Joseph, it’s PAlamo "
And bless their hearts, I’m afraid they are going to end up in Texas.
PitStop
The 8th and final team to leave the pits is the Dani Team. One is named Danielle, and one is named Dani.. How cute! They look exactly alike! How cute! They are BFF! How absolutely adorable! Dan tells us that they promised each other they wouldn’t stress out, and "slow and steady " will get them through the race. ( Ummm, sure, like THAT ever works!)
Sooooo CUTE!
Fly Fly Away
They all get on planes and fly off to Rome, ( 3 planes) where the various teams will make various connecting flights and arrive at various times in Palermo.
To Rome
Flight 1 - BJ &Tyler, and Eric & Jeremy
Flight 2 - Lake & Michelle, Fran & Barry, Joseph & Monica and Lori & Dave
Flight 3 - Ray & Yolanda , and Dani and Dani
To Palermo
Flight 1 - BJ & Tyler
Flight 2 - Eric & Jeremy
Flight 3 - Fran & Barry, Joseph & Monica and Lori & Dave
Flight 4 - Lake & Michelle with Ray and Yolanda and Dani’s
Somehow, poor misunderstood Lake and his Lady got screwed on the connecting flight and ended up with the tailies. He’s pretty frustrated about it, as he should be. They left the Pit 3rd and get on the last plane , 3rd from last. It sucks, and he’s upset, and who can blame him. I decide I really like Michelle when she stays calm and gives him a pep talk.
Palermo
It’s a beautiful day in Palermo! The sun is shining, the Karma Hippy guys are using funny accented voices and collecting the clue. ( you come and go, you come and go)
Get in the marked car and drive yourselves 42 miles to Castle De Marrra De Golfo , a seaside town named for a fort . ( Really? A Fort? Okay, whatever you say Phil, you the Man!)
(You know who the blond TTHDFTP looks like? That guy from thirtysomething. You remember that show? The guy with with the long hair. Not Elliot, he was the red-headed guy who was kind of a jerk to his wife til she got cancer, (or maybe he was a jerk after she got the cancer), anyway, not Elliot , that other guy , the tall one who wore the jacket with the patches on the elbows, he was a teacher of some find. Gary! His name was Gary! The Blonde Hippy boy reminds me of him, Gary was supposed to be the "cool guy" on the show, but looking back on it, he dressed like kind of a stiff. You remember that, right? It was a good show, they used to show the reruns on Lifetime in the afternoon.)
Everyone arrives in Palermo, and everyone is ahead of Lake ( even those who can’t even SAY Palermo get there before the Lakes).
Our Hipster friends have opened the clue for the Detour ,which is a choice between 2 tasks.
This detour is Foundry or Laundry. For Foundry they have to go to a metal works shop and get a 110 pound bell , transport it to a church and then carry the bell up the church steps, where a priest will give them their next clue. For Laundry the racers have to locate an intersection where there are lines and lines of clothes drying between the balconies. They must search the 2400 pieces of laundry for one of the 16 items that is marked with a special tag.
The Karma Hippy buddies choose Laundry and dance about in a hilarious manner.
Who knew that wearing orange pants could make people so happy? ( Yes, I am going to get me some orange pants, why do you ask?)
There are scenes of all the teams picking up clues and racing about.
Barry the offensive and smelly, drives like an old guy, and tries to run down some people on motorbikes , while calling out " Driving like an Italian! Man, I LOVE it! " Frannie is so proud.
Lori and Dave are in traffic, Joseph can drive, Ray and Yolanda are still in it, but one of the Dani’s can’t drive a stick, allowing the Lake and Michelle to pass .
WooHoo for the Lakes, they aren’t in last anymore. They are second to last, but it’s better than last.
BJ & Tyler ( clearly the Heros of the episode) work the Laundry and very quickly find a shirt with the special tag. ( I think they found the tag so quickly because the shirt was blinding hot pink, and I think our Happy Hippy friends are attracted to bright colors.)
They collect their next clue from the laundry woman calling " Bella Bella" and pretty much spreading joy throughout the whole country, while dancing about in those fabulous orange pants.
The clue tells them to drive 13 miles to the ancient town of Segrestra . Caution, there is a Yield .
The Frat Boy Friends ( in 2nd place) choose the laundry task and make lame jokes about finding Phil’s turtlenecks hanging on the line. ( They are cute, totally growing on me, and not in the fungus kinda way either.)
" Look! It's Phil's shirt!"
They complete the task pretty quickly , grab their clue, wonder if they will be yielded by the happy shaggy haired heros, and dash off.
Joseph and Monica ( in 3rd) decide the foundry task is for them, since moving a big heavy bell up some steep steps sounds faster. I don’t blame them, I avoid laundry whenever I can too.
Our Time Traveling heros arrive at the Yield box first, pretend to think about yielding other teams, and do not yield anyone. The clue contains a Roadblock ( a task that only one member of the team can perform, while the other member sits back and either gripes or heckles depending on how far behind they are)
The task is to put together a classical ( meaning " nearly naked") Greek statue, and then have an archaeologist check your work and give you a clue . It’s like a puzzle, but there is a trick. Two extra pieces have been added to the pile of puzzle pieces. Two pieces that don’t go anywhere at all. This is sure to create hi-jinx and hilarity with our race teams.
By the way, there is no way to begin to describe how beautiful the countryside is. The hills, the ancient ruins, it’s all just amazingly stunning.
So the blond hippyman gets to do the statue task, his teammate cheering him on, the task goes quickly and they finish with a flourish of excited and random Italian words. The 2 extra pieces didn’t stump them a bit.
Since we know that the TTHDFTF are going to come in first, I’m going to pick up the pace on this here summary story, because really, does anyone care about the other teams? ( oh sure I’ll let you know who got eliminated and stuff, no worries, but I may have to skip a few of the more boring segments.)
Monica bitches at Joey as he finishes the Bell task pretty much on his own.
Fran and Barry walk back and forth past the clue box for what seems like 40 minutes ( it’s actually only about 5 minutes) it’s funny.
They decide to do the laundry challenge and finish without trouble. (Somebodies laundry is totally gonna smell like old people.)
Dave and Lori are working well together , encouraging and DEEPLY in LOVE, as the laundry challenge kicks their ass. It is taking them way too long, and other teams are gonna catch up.
Michelle and Lake pick laundry and cheer each other on as they try to find the alley of the clotheslines. They are nice to each other, I think I like them.
Dani Deux are lost, are last, are listless and laundry is their task.
Ray and Yolanda choose the Bell and as he powers it up the stairs, muscles bulging, she swoons. He is THE MAN! They are starry eyed on each other, and really quite cute.
Lori and Dave are getting frustrated as the other two teams show up for the laundry task, now all are searching
( I would like to mention that Lake is wearing a pair of black knee length leggings under his baggy khaki shorts, I don’t know why, but it does look stupid as hell)
Lori and Dave find it first ( finally) with Team Lake and Double Dan to follow.
( And seriously, the Laundry task? about as much fun to watch as folding a load of socks. Totally BORING!)
Eric and Jeremy are in 2nd place and arriving at the Yield box when they see The Hippy Heros running down a path to the pit stop.
The Pitstop which is one mile downhill from the task, is in beautiful ruins from the 5th Century B.C. CBS spares no expense, and lets them pit at the most awesome ruins of awesomely amazing ruins, ever, like anywhere. ( It’s really pretty, a perfect spot for a drum circle)
Our Happy Karma Hippys arrive at the mat first and great Phil. The act surprised to be first, they play being shocked that they get prizes. " WOW! A Digital media center! Wow! A Camera! WOW we get to stand next to Phil!" These guys are the perfect race contestants, fun, funny, quirky. I love them.
E & J start the statue task ( well one of them does and I can’t tell them apart) the other talks about how ripped Greek guys are, and how hot the statue is, and he poses and struts and offers himself for inspiration.
Despite the distractions they get it done without the extra pieces causing them any trouble, way too easy, and off they trek to the pitstop of awesomeness.
They know that they are the second team to arrive and they are disappointed . Phil looks a little terbed that the Fratties aren’t leaping for joy ( and therefore bad TV). Frats tell Phil they made some mistakes, and they vow to beat those darn Hippys if it’s the last thing they do!
The Blond, but Definitely not dumb, Monica builds the statue and notices some pieces don’t seem to fit ( finally, that trick is going to stump someone). The not dumb and ever helpful Joseph yells, " Don’t get frustrated!!!!"
Bare and Fransome show up. Fran will build the neekid man, Barry tells her to relax and take her time, the view from the mountain is beautiful and he wants to take a nap. Barry is a cocky old fool.
( Yes, I said "cock" and "Barry" in the same sentence. Yes, I am grossed out too.)
Monica and Joey are 3rd at the Phil mat.
Lori and Dave are still lost
Ray and Yolanda are still lost
Lake and Michelle finally find the laundry tag , and though they aren’t lost yet, will be soon.
Dani and Dani are " Hanging on by a thread"
And this has become the most boring thing I have ever watched , and writing about it is worse.
I can hardly stay awake
Barry and Frantic are 4th at the mat.
Lake and Lake’s Woman use the yield on the Dani’s. I think it’s a good move, because chances are that they will mess up or get lost, or walk back and forth up and down mountains for no reason, Karma has not been kind to them and they need an edge..
And then..........
Oops!
Oh No!
Oh Shit!
Darn that Karma!
I spilled a non-alcoholic, decaf beverage on my notes.
Darn, that really sucks too, because the episode got so damned interesting after the first teams finished hours before all the lame ass filler racers. I was having such a good time telling you all about who was the most lost.
Oh well.
The Dani’s got eliminated, no one was sad.
The End
Next Week Ilse will tell you about the Amazing Race! ¶ 6:26 PM 4 Comments
