TAR 9 Episode 5 - Karma's Chameleons Wear Orange Pants By Buggy

Before on the Amazing Race, there was some bunching in Moscow, a non elimination, some lost women, a found gnome and people named Wanda and Deserie were sent home from Germany at the 3rd Pitstop.
Wheezy wrote a lovely summary, all the details, all the highs all the lows, all the funny. (In German! )

I have to confess that I haven’t seen any episodes of The Race yet this season , til this one.
It starts at 9 o clock and that is just too late, I’m old and I get tired at darktime. I rarely see any show that doesn’t end by 9 Central.

So, I don’t know any of these people. I don’t know who is likeable, I don’t know who has been an ass. I don’t know who is funny. ( ha ha or weird)
I am sure we have some married people, and some dating couples, some buddy types, some lovable old folks, some siblings , and someone who will try to hug Phil ( Oh, I hope it happens this week, because that always cracks me up).
Anywho , I just ask that you bear with me as I try to figure out who these folks are, and which "type" they are playing.

PitStop

The episode begins in Somewhere, Germany, Europe.
This is the 4th Pitstop. There are 8 teams left.

First to leave, because they were first to arrive, is Eric and Jeremy. They pick up their clue that tells them to fly to Palermo Italy , and find a 100 year old Opera House.
Eric and Jeremy seem nice.
They tell us that they are just being idiots, competing and looking for chicks , like normal. ( My money says they are really the Gay Couple, these guys are way too well-groomed to be straight)

Next to leave the Pitstop is BJ & Tyler.
They have long hair and big smiles, and they tell us that they believe in good Karma , and that they use humor to get people to help them. We see them asking for directions to the Airport, we see them rewarding the directional samaritans with a funny little dance. Goodness begets goodness, kindness is it’s own reward, the circle of Karma is complete. OhhhMMMm.

(I think these young men are what was once known as " Hippys" , but I am pretty sure they are time travelers, because as everyone knows, Hippys don’t exist anymore. Hippy’s became extinct about the time the last VW Bus was sent to the junkyard. Besides, that BJ had to grow up in a commune, no way would he have survived public school with a name like that.
I would maybe buy that they were real Hippys if they were in their 50's or 60's, but they appear to be early 30's. Definitely time travelers.
I’m guessing that they are also well- liked by the fans, it’s a Karma thing.)

After getting directions to the Airport, our Dippys wait for the next pair of Racers, Lake and Michelle.
Lake and Michele are married parents, Lake and Michelle are southern, Lake and Michelle are Tim McGraw and Faith Hill! Only not as good-looking, or nice, or famous , or talented. ( But I’d bet ya a pack a gum, that the boy owns a cowboy hat.)
Lake tells us that Michelle has gotten them lost, and she needs to grow. He tells us that he is, "The Leader" of their team. He has a stupid name.

Munich Airport

The first team to arrive at the airport is Eric and Jeremy, who flirt up the ticket chicks. Flirty Flirty.! I guess the Airport is closed because there is no one else there in the middle of the night.
BJ and Tyler arrive looking for Air Italia and calling out, " Frat Boys! Frat Boys!" as they enter the terminal.
( Ah HA! I guess they are frat brothers and not a couple afterall. I still maintain they look awfully clean for straight boys, but I’m willing to believe the time travel hippy boys.)
Hippys find the Frat Boys playing Special Olympics. They race and crash in wheelchairs. They even fall on their heads. It’s amusing.
( But I did NOT laugh, oh no, no I did not. I would never laugh at people in wheelchairs, even when they are duffus fraternity boys who can walk perfectly well, and probably even fall down all by themselves without the help of wheelchairs. Nope, not laughing, not me.)
The TimeTravelingHippyDippysFromThePast (TTHDFTP) decide to waste some time playing in the wheelchairs too. Because that is what the chairs are there for, right? I mean it’s probably good Karma.

Lake and his woman arrive and decide they don’t have time for silly shenanigans and wheelchair races, they must get tickets. For some reason they fail to see the Airport as a fun place to play and think the main goal, is to catch a flight to Italy.
Geeze! What’s the big hurry?
So Lake and Michelle use the computer thingys to book a flight. Or, try to use them, because all the words are in German!

GASP!
It’s like they are in Germany or someplace!!!!
What will they do ? How will they manage? They need a Wheezy to translate! They got no Wheezy! How will they get tickets when they no can speaka the Deutsche! Oh woe and misery for the Lady and the Lake

Time Travelers wander in, flushed and exhilarated from their wheelchair games. They pick a computer terminal, they click on a little button that says " English" and they book a 6:35 flight that will arrive in Italy at 10:15 a.m. That’s it. That’s all. Done! That? is what you call " Good Karma" boys and girls.

(Does anyone else remember the Hudson Brothers show from the ‘70's? You know? They did that Razzle Dazzle song and wore the bad flashy psychedelic jumpsuits? You remember, right? The dark haired Hippy looks kinda like the Hudson that was nailing Goldie Hawn . Seriously, just like him. Remember that?)
By the time Michelle figures it out, the flight is full.

PitStop


Back at the Pitstop the next 3 teams are getting their clues and preparing to race to the Airport.

OLD PEOPLE!
Yes! I knew it!
Loveable old people, Fran and Barry, have been married 40 years.
( I assume to each other, because it’s not that big a deal if they married a whole bunch of other people before they met each other. I also assume that the female half of this team is the Fran, and the old guy is Barry, but you never know with old folks. I mean old people sometimes got the weird names, and there are guys named "Fran". Like that guy from That’s Incredible. Remember that show?

(You know what is freaky? That Fran guy was on That’s Incredible from 1980 to 1984, and The Hudson Brothers Show was on from 1974 to 1974. Spooky)

Granny Franny tells us that they are learning to play the game. Barry says they are trying hard to climb that ladder. They are just full of piss and vinegar these two!

Next to leave the pit is Dave and Lori.
Dave and Lori are dating and DEEPLY in LOVE. In fact, the way they are running this Race is solid proof that they are DEEPLY in LOVE. They are taking it One Leg at A Time, and racing smooth. Like Buttah.

( *Pssssst* Hey Lori, listen to me. I am sure Dave is a terrific guy and he seems to be DEEPLY in LOVE, with you and all that, and I am sure that you aren’t all shallow and superficial about his looks because you are DEEPLY in LOVE with him. But that man needs to shave and comb his hair. I’m not dissing him, he seems great, but once you are married? that whole scruffy unkempt look? Not so charming anymore. Really. Trust me, if he doesn’t shavenow, he will never pick up his socks later. I’d cut him a little slack with the whole " racing around the world" thing, if he didn’t just have a 12 hour break. Please tell me that Dave the BoyToy had a shower at some point in that 12 hours. )

Dave and Lori grab their clue and off they run.
Lori- "Going to Italy!"
Dave- " Rock solid!"
Lori - "Kickass!"

Next to leave is Joseph and Monica, another dating couple. Monica is steering the wheel, making the decisions, reading the clues.
Monica - "We are going to Pal ER Moe, Italy"
She tells us that she is proud to be making the decisions and calling the shots for her team. She says that some people look at her like a "dumb blond" , but she can use that to her advantage.
Monica - " Joseph! I can’t believe we are going to PAL ELMO ! YAY!"

Airport


It must be morning because our racers back at the airport are talking about actually getting some tickets for some flights. The Airport stuff always confuses me, I never firgure out who has tickets and what time, and which connection is better. But I will try to sort this out for me, so I can sort it out for you.

The Time Traveling Karmainiacs got like the last seats on a fully booked flight to Rome. They got them over the internet, earlier, when the clean college boys were playing and Michelle was trying to read in German. Turns out no one else was worried about getting tickets to Palermo, til now.
Lake and Lake’s Woman run to the Lufthansa window and see what they have got going on in the way of flights to Italy. They are able to get a 9:30 departure on a flight to Rome.

Frannie and Bare use Lufthansa for a tickets too, and easy peasy they also get a 9:30 to Rome, but the kicker is that there is an earlier connection to Pal Elmo than the one that Lake and Lake’s Wife got. Francie is all a giggle over putting one over on those meddling kids.

Lake sees Fran and the Old guy at the window and is worried that someone else might figure out that the German airline may have some flights leaving Germany ( go figure), he doesn’t want anyone else getting tickets on the Lufthansa flight , and other racers will probably be arriving at the Airport soon, so he approaches Frannie .

Lake - " Fran? Did anyone see you getting tickets?"
Fran - " Back up! Back AWAY!! Please, just back a way."
Lake- " It’s okay, we already have our tickets, did anyone else see you..."
Fran- " Back away! Back AWAY! GO AWAY!!!"

Hey! Wait a minute!
Those aren’t cute loveable old people!
Those are crotchety old A-Holes!!

Lake clearly isn’t aware and doesn’t understand what is going on because he tries to talk to her again.

Lake - " We didn’t do anything to ya’ll"
Frannie - " GET OFF MY LAWN YOU STINKIN’ KIDS!!!"


In the meantime Eric & Jeremy lucked out somehow and scored some seats on the first flight out with the Karma Kids ( on the flight that was full already). Lori and Dave arrive and get tickets on the second flight ( Lufthansa ! It’s like everybody knows about it already.)

PitStop

The 7th team to leave to pitstop is Ray and Yolanda. They are another dating couple , and finally we have some people of color on this episode. Ray says that being with Yolanda on the race has made him see what she is really made of. She is strong minded and he respects her. I don’t know if I like them yet, but she has pretty hair. They make their way to the Airport.

Airport


Joseph and Monica are now with the Airport crowd and in need of tickets. Unfortunately they aren’t real clear on where they need to go.
Joe tells the Lufthansa guy, " We need tickets to Palomino."
Monica corrects him, " No Joseph, it’s PAlamo "
And bless their hearts, I’m afraid they are going to end up in Texas.

PitStop


The 8th and final team to leave the pits is the Dani Team. One is named Danielle, and one is named Dani.. How cute! They look exactly alike! How cute! They are BFF! How absolutely adorable! Dan tells us that they promised each other they wouldn’t stress out, and "slow and steady " will get them through the race. ( Ummm, sure, like THAT ever works!)
Sooooo CUTE!

Fly Fly Away


They all get on planes and fly off to Rome, ( 3 planes) where the various teams will make various connecting flights and arrive at various times in Palermo.
To Rome
Flight 1 - BJ &Tyler, and Eric & Jeremy
Flight 2 - Lake & Michelle, Fran & Barry, Joseph & Monica and Lori & Dave
Flight 3 - Ray & Yolanda , and Dani and Dani
To Palermo
Flight 1 - BJ & Tyler
Flight 2 - Eric & Jeremy
Flight 3 - Fran & Barry, Joseph & Monica and Lori & Dave
Flight 4 - Lake & Michelle with Ray and Yolanda and Dani’s
Somehow, poor misunderstood Lake and his Lady got screwed on the connecting flight and ended up with the tailies. He’s pretty frustrated about it, as he should be. They left the Pit 3rd and get on the last plane , 3rd from last. It sucks, and he’s upset, and who can blame him. I decide I really like Michelle when she stays calm and gives him a pep talk.


Palermo


It’s a beautiful day in Palermo! The sun is shining, the Karma Hippy guys are using funny accented voices and collecting the clue. ( you come and go, you come and go)
Get in the marked car and drive yourselves 42 miles to Castle De Marrra De Golfo , a seaside town named for a fort . ( Really? A Fort? Okay, whatever you say Phil, you the Man!)

(You know who the blond TTHDFTP looks like? That guy from thirtysomething. You remember that show? The guy with with the long hair. Not Elliot, he was the red-headed guy who was kind of a jerk to his wife til she got cancer, (or maybe he was a jerk after she got the cancer), anyway, not Elliot , that other guy , the tall one who wore the jacket with the patches on the elbows, he was a teacher of some find. Gary! His name was Gary! The Blonde Hippy boy reminds me of him, Gary was supposed to be the "cool guy" on the show, but looking back on it, he dressed like kind of a stiff. You remember that, right? It was a good show, they used to show the reruns on Lifetime in the afternoon.)

Everyone arrives in Palermo, and everyone is ahead of Lake ( even those who can’t even SAY Palermo get there before the Lakes).
Our Hipster friends have opened the clue for the Detour ,which is a choice between 2 tasks.
This detour is Foundry or Laundry. For Foundry they have to go to a metal works shop and get a 110 pound bell , transport it to a church and then carry the bell up the church steps, where a priest will give them their next clue. For Laundry the racers have to locate an intersection where there are lines and lines of clothes drying between the balconies. They must search the 2400 pieces of laundry for one of the 16 items that is marked with a special tag.

The Karma Hippy buddies choose Laundry and dance about in a hilarious manner.
Who knew that wearing orange pants could make people so happy? ( Yes, I am going to get me some orange pants, why do you ask?)

There are scenes of all the teams picking up clues and racing about.
Barry the offensive and smelly, drives like an old guy, and tries to run down some people on motorbikes , while calling out " Driving like an Italian! Man, I LOVE it! " Frannie is so proud.

Lori and Dave are in traffic, Joseph can drive, Ray and Yolanda are still in it, but one of the Dani’s can’t drive a stick, allowing the Lake and Michelle to pass .
WooHoo for the Lakes, they aren’t in last anymore. They are second to last, but it’s better than last.

BJ & Tyler ( clearly the Heros of the episode) work the Laundry and very quickly find a shirt with the special tag. ( I think they found the tag so quickly because the shirt was blinding hot pink, and I think our Happy Hippy friends are attracted to bright colors.)

They collect their next clue from the laundry woman calling " Bella Bella" and pretty much spreading joy throughout the whole country, while dancing about in those fabulous orange pants.

The clue tells them to drive 13 miles to the ancient town of Segrestra . Caution, there is a Yield .

The Frat Boy Friends ( in 2nd place) choose the laundry task and make lame jokes about finding Phil’s turtlenecks hanging on the line. ( They are cute, totally growing on me, and not in the fungus kinda way either.)
" Look! It's Phil's shirt!"
They complete the task pretty quickly , grab their clue, wonder if they will be yielded by the happy shaggy haired heros, and dash off.

Joseph and Monica ( in 3rd) decide the foundry task is for them, since moving a big heavy bell up some steep steps sounds faster. I don’t blame them, I avoid laundry whenever I can too.

Our Time Traveling heros arrive at the Yield box first, pretend to think about yielding other teams, and do not yield anyone. The clue contains a Roadblock ( a task that only one member of the team can perform, while the other member sits back and either gripes or heckles depending on how far behind they are)

The task is to put together a classical ( meaning " nearly naked") Greek statue, and then have an archaeologist check your work and give you a clue . It’s like a puzzle, but there is a trick. Two extra pieces have been added to the pile of puzzle pieces. Two pieces that don’t go anywhere at all. This is sure to create hi-jinx and hilarity with our race teams.

By the way, there is no way to begin to describe how beautiful the countryside is. The hills, the ancient ruins, it’s all just amazingly stunning.

So the blond hippyman gets to do the statue task, his teammate cheering him on, the task goes quickly and they finish with a flourish of excited and random Italian words. The 2 extra pieces didn’t stump them a bit.

Since we know that the TTHDFTF are going to come in first, I’m going to pick up the pace on this here summary story, because really, does anyone care about the other teams? ( oh sure I’ll let you know who got eliminated and stuff, no worries, but I may have to skip a few of the more boring segments.)

Monica bitches at Joey as he finishes the Bell task pretty much on his own.

Fran and Barry walk back and forth past the clue box for what seems like 40 minutes ( it’s actually only about 5 minutes) it’s funny.
They decide to do the laundry challenge and finish without trouble. (Somebodies laundry is totally gonna smell like old people.)

Dave and Lori are working well together , encouraging and DEEPLY in LOVE, as the laundry challenge kicks their ass. It is taking them way too long, and other teams are gonna catch up.

Michelle and Lake pick laundry and cheer each other on as they try to find the alley of the clotheslines. They are nice to each other, I think I like them.

Dani Deux are lost, are last, are listless and laundry is their task.

Ray and Yolanda choose the Bell and as he powers it up the stairs, muscles bulging, she swoons. He is THE MAN! They are starry eyed on each other, and really quite cute.

Lori and Dave are getting frustrated as the other two teams show up for the laundry task, now all are searching
( I would like to mention that Lake is wearing a pair of black knee length leggings under his baggy khaki shorts, I don’t know why, but it does look stupid as hell)

Lori and Dave find it first ( finally) with Team Lake and Double Dan to follow.

( And seriously, the Laundry task? about as much fun to watch as folding a load of socks. Totally BORING!)

Eric and Jeremy are in 2nd place and arriving at the Yield box when they see The Hippy Heros running down a path to the pit stop.

The Pitstop which is one mile downhill from the task, is in beautiful ruins from the 5th Century B.C. CBS spares no expense, and lets them pit at the most awesome ruins of awesomely amazing ruins, ever, like anywhere. ( It’s really pretty, a perfect spot for a drum circle)

Our Happy Karma Hippys arrive at the mat first and great Phil. The act surprised to be first, they play being shocked that they get prizes. " WOW! A Digital media center! Wow! A Camera! WOW we get to stand next to Phil!" These guys are the perfect race contestants, fun, funny, quirky. I love them.

E & J start the statue task ( well one of them does and I can’t tell them apart) the other talks about how ripped Greek guys are, and how hot the statue is, and he poses and struts and offers himself for inspiration.
Despite the distractions they get it done without the extra pieces causing them any trouble, way too easy, and off they trek to the pitstop of awesomeness.

They know that they are the second team to arrive and they are disappointed . Phil looks a little terbed that the Fratties aren’t leaping for joy ( and therefore bad TV). Frats tell Phil they made some mistakes, and they vow to beat those darn Hippys if it’s the last thing they do!


The Blond, but Definitely not dumb, Monica builds the statue and notices some pieces don’t seem to fit ( finally, that trick is going to stump someone). The not dumb and ever helpful Joseph yells, " Don’t get frustrated!!!!"

Bare and Fransome show up. Fran will build the neekid man, Barry tells her to relax and take her time, the view from the mountain is beautiful and he wants to take a nap. Barry is a cocky old fool.
( Yes, I said "cock" and "Barry" in the same sentence. Yes, I am grossed out too.)

Monica and Joey are 3rd at the Phil mat.
Lori and Dave are still lost
Ray and Yolanda are still lost
Lake and Michelle finally find the laundry tag , and though they aren’t lost yet, will be soon.
Dani and Dani are " Hanging on by a thread"
And this has become the most boring thing I have ever watched , and writing about it is worse.
I can hardly stay awake
Barry and Frantic are 4th at the mat.
Lake and Lake’s Woman use the yield on the Dani’s. I think it’s a good move, because chances are that they will mess up or get lost, or walk back and forth up and down mountains for no reason, Karma has not been kind to them and they need an edge..

And then..........
Oops!
Oh No!
Oh Shit!
Darn that Karma!
I spilled a non-alcoholic, decaf beverage on my notes.
Darn, that really sucks too, because the episode got so damned interesting after the first teams finished hours before all the lame ass filler racers. I was having such a good time telling you all about who was the most lost.
Oh well.

The Dani’s got eliminated, no one was sad.
The End


Next Week Ilse will tell you about the Amazing Race!  ¶ 6:26 PM