Thursday, April 20, 2006
Episode Eight: The One With The Easily Telegraphed Non-Elimination
Previously on The Amazing Race: Wilbur is taken to the Zuckerman farm, where he will eventually be eaten. Charlotte the spider decides to help poor Wilbur by acting as if he can spell. Wilbur then saves the day by guiding the sheep through an award-winning performance at the border collie trials.
Wait. I may have mixed up some details there. And that certainly wasn’t The Amazing Race.
Previously on The Amazing Race: Eric and Jeremy went forward fast, BJ and Tyler went forward wrong, and Lake and Michelle went forward into the past. Or out of the race. Or both. Five teams are left – who will be eliminated next?
I can answer that one with relative certainty – no one, at least not tonight. We are seven episodes in, six teams are gone, and we have had no non-eliminations. An extended leg, yes. But a non-elim? No. We’ve got one coming tonight, I’d bet my, uhm, first season DVD set, on it.
Yes it’s predictable week here at Circle Of Industries, at least as far as the shows go. TAR is obviously a non-elim. The ending of this week’s Survivor has already been telegraphed in the promos. However, behind the scenes here at the Circle Of Compound, it’s been unpredictable. I wasn’t scheduled for any summaries this week, and now I am writing two. Yes, it’s double-dose of Dweeze week. Enjoy.
We open at the Fortress of Rion. She rings like a bell in the night, don’t you know. Eric and Jeremy are the first to leave, getting the clue that sends them to Muscat, Oman. You remember Muscat, don’t you? The Captain and Tenille sang about it.
Muscat Aziza, Muscat Faud
Do the Khaleegy down in Muscat land
And they shimmy
And Aziza’s so skinny
And they whirl and they twirl and raqs sharqi
Singing and playing rababa
Floating like the heavens above
Looks like Muscat love
But I digress. Everyone’s off to Oman, there to find a giant incense burner. The task is to find a giant stick of incense, place it in the burner, light it, and then smoke a giant doob while staring at a giant black light poster of the Keep On Trucking guy.
The clue also instructs our racers to go to a visitor’s center to sign up for one of two charter buses, either 9:00 am or 10:00 am. The frat boys get there first, and being the smart guys they are, sign up for the 9:00 am bus. In short order MoJo, RaYo, and FrBa arrive, also signing up for the first bus. Tyler and BJ are running way behind, however, and get to the visitors center as the first bus leaves. Though they yell at it to stop, it doesn’t. Kind of like with me and the Weasel Stepson. And with that, they are consigned to the
SECOND BUS OF DOOM!!!!!!!!!
The first bus arrives at the airport, and Fran and Barry are fist in line to get tickets. They get a flight to Oman that lands at 10:50 pm. Can you play spot the bunching? Can you say “giant incense burner” (or else store that sells giant incense stick) closed until 6:00/7:00/8:00 am? If you can’t, you haven’t been watching the show very much, have you?
The other teams arrive at the counter, and quickly book the same flight even though Fran and Barry made a point of not giving them any information.
Hello? I understand the Kimmah point of view that you shouldn’t be helping, but is it really such an advantage not to tell the people who are behind you in the queue at the ticket counter the time of the earliest flight? Is the ticket counter person not going to give them the exact same information in a minute? What are you achieving here?
We cut to the
SECOND BUS OF DOOM
where Tyler and BJ and the Bear are pretending that their fallen comrades are riding with them, once again displaying their vast knowledge of reality tv. If only they could throw their fallen comrades torches into the ocean! Oh well. They mock Lake and Michelle, say nice things about Dave and Lori, and insinuating that Dani and Danielle were dumb. Hard to believe, huh? They apparently have no words for the other three teams that fell, but who can blame them? I don’t remember them either.
BJ and the Bear and Tyler show up at the airport, going to the same counter as the other four teams. Although they ask what time the flight they are on gets in, the other four teams claim to not know. They then ask the booking agent, who tells them the earliest flight gets in at 10:50 but that it is full. The hippies then turn to the other four teams and say “Well, we found out what time your flight gets in – it’s 10:50.” The two are forced to take the
SECOND PLANE OF DOOM
which will not get in until 11:45 pm. Oh! The horrors!
So the flights take off, we get airplanes moving across a map, and we finally get teams arriving in Oman. Everyone comments on how pretty and clean it is, the cleanest place they have been. Take that you third world nations without mountainous oil revenues! The teams drive by a McDonald’s that looks like a temple, which seems strangely appropriate. And, as predicted, when they finally arrive at the giant incense burner, it is closed until morning. The teams all arrive and wait for morning.
Morning comes, the park opens, and everyone starts running. You know, I haven’t seen this many people running for an incense burner since that one time my Senior year in college when the cops knocked on the door. The teams get their next clue, which instructs them to go to Sur, with love, and find the ferry. They are given strict instructions, however, not to pay the ferry man. Indeed, they aren’t supposed to even fix a price until he gets them to the other side.
It’s a long and winding road to Sur, with love, and one that takes them through several flooded areas. Along the way the lead changes hands several times, mostly due to the fact that the people in front didn’t want to be in front. In other words, after the lack of information sharing in the airport, everyone decides to be polite. Or just to follow someone else. This behavior continues through the flooded areas, as teams allow others to go first in the hope that they will get stuck.
We get to the cluebox at the ferry. Tyler and the Bear and BJ, Fran and Barry, and MoJo get there at about the same time. The clue tells them that they are at tonight’s detour. Sing along with me, boys and girls!
A detour is a choice between two tasks
Between two tasks
Between two tasks
A detour is a choice between two tasks
Each with its own pros and cons!
Our detour choices are Camel or Watchtower. In Camel, teams have to smoke an entire carton of Camels in under fifteen minutes. If they are unable to do so, they have to start over. In Watchtower, teams are required to distribute Jehovah’s Witness literature for an hour.
Wait.
I’m thinking of something else.
In Camel, teams are required to lift a camel, place it in the back of a pick-up, and drive it to a Bedouin camp. In Watchtower, teams are required to sing the Dylan classic, I mean, search three nearby watchtowers until the find a scroll that will give them mystical powers. Or at least that they can trade with a man in a shop for a clue.
Now, everyone knows the first rule of detours is, when given a choice between carrying and finding, always choose carrying. And that was my first inclination here. However, there are some mitigating factors. First, the watchtowers are nearby, the camel loaders are a short walk away. Second, when you are finished with the watchtowers, you are still near the ferry. The camel tasks requires you to drive a distance away to deliver the camel. Finally, you can only cross back to your car when the ferry returns. This might be the rare exception where find makes more sense than carry.
The Bear, Tyler, and BJ, along with Fran and Barry and MoJo, cross the water on the ferry and then set off for the watchtowers. MoJo go to the first watchtower, the other two teams head towards the second. Meanwhile, Eric and Jeremy have crossed and headed off to raise the camel.
No, that’s not code.
There is no scroll in the first watchtower. Tyler and BJ and the Bear find one in the second, then tell Fran and Barry that there is another one inside. They also tell MoJo that there were only two scrolls in the second watchtower, meaning the remaining scrolls must be in the watchtower that seems about a mile away. BJ, the Bear, and Tyler, along with Fran and Barry, head back to the ferry stop.
MoJo stop to contemplate abandoning the watchtower task and doing the camel task.
Now, let’s think about this. At this point, they are about halfway between the watchtower and the ferry stop. There is, without a doubt, a scroll in the next watchtower. The distance to that watchtower is less than the distance back to the ferry stop plus the distance to the camel task. Given that, the logical thing to do would be to continue on to the watchtower, eschewing the camel task. At that point and at that distance, they are pot-committed to the watchtower task.
MoJo of course decide to give up watchtower and go to camel.
Meanwhile, back at the camel task, Eric and Jeremy have succeeding in lifting the camel and placing it in the truck.
No, that’s not code.
They set off looking for the Bedouin camp, not noticing as they drive right past their turn.
The first two teams have gotten to the ferry stop, crossed back over, and are heading to the shop to drop off the scroll. As they are driving, BJ shows a sketch he did of a camel. They get to the shop, turn in the scroll, and get a clue telling them to drive 80 miles to the village of Al Howareya.
MoJo are doing the camel task; well, Jo is doing the camel task. Mo is standing around cooing sweet nothings to the camel. As they drive off, they begin bickering again about whether or not they are lost. Mo things they are, Jo things they aren’t, a viewpoint proven correct when he finds the camp. Mo tells the camel they found it’s home, like there was no way the camel was getting there without them. As they drive back to the ferry with their clue, they see Eric and Jeremy off-roading in the distance. We go to commercial with the frat boys bemoaning the fact that they will probably end up dehydrated and dead in the desert. If the prospect of that doesn’t bring viewers back from commercial, I don’t know what will.
Commercial time, many national, a local one for Junge Motors. Now, as many of you know, I’ve gotten out of the summarizing commercials gig. Quite frankly, there are others who do it much better. I’m only mentioning Junge Motors because the bastards and I have a history.
It was late-2002. I got a call from a contact on the inside. Junge was looking to do some commercials for their used car dealership, and was I interested? Of course I said, what’s the part? Well, my contact explained, they are going for humor. Over the top humor. They want a sleazy used car salesman and a goofy mechanic. Sounds good, I said – I can play goofy. No, my contact explained. They had Mateo lined up for the goofy mechanic. We were thinking of you as the sleazy salesman. I paused, thinking. Well, sleazy is a stretch, but I can see it. I can see it. Good, my contact said, and proceeded to give me time and place details.
Well, we shot the commercials. Five of them, all with different themes. I’ve got the tape, and they are great. Hilarious. Peabody-award winning stuff. They ran a couple of times, and I got a lot of feedback from people who saw them.
And then they got pulled.
Pulled!
Mr. Junge himself finally saw one, and he thought they were stupid, not funny. Everyone tried to argue otherwise with him, but he was the owner and the commercials were yanked.
Bastards.
(I later shot a couple of commercials for Royal Flush Plumbing that ran for a good long time. But that’s a story for another day.)
Back from break, we find Eric and Jeremy discovering the Bedouin camp and delivering the camel. As they make their way back to the ferry, they see Ray and Yolanda (remember them? they were in the episode when it started) crossing the ferry and making their way to the camel. They quickly finish the task, get their clue, and head off. At this point everyone is going to Al Howareya.
The BJ and Tyler and Bear, along with Fran and Barry, reach the next clue stand first. It’s roadblock time! The clue asks who is willing to dig for food. There are 117 sand mounds, six of which contain a shuwa, which is lamb wrapped in palm leaves and placed in an underground oven pit.
Shuwa it is.
Anyway, the task is to dig up a shuwa, take it to the man standing beside the sand mounds, and get their next clue. They are to keep the shuwa with them, because it is supper.
It was Chekov (Anton, not Ensign) who said that if you see a gun in the first act, you have to make sure it fires in the third act. Similarly, if you say in the third segment that you need to carry your shuwa because it is your supper, you expect that something happens involving the shuwa, or some team forgetting the shuwa, in the fourth segment. You would expect that, but you would be wrong. Maybe next week we’ll open with the teams eating their shuwas. Maybe, but I doubt it.
BJ and the Barry head out to find a shuwa. These two teams are quickly joined by MoJo, who are shocked that they aren’t first at the task.
Yeah, when you last saw them they had completed their detour task and were heading back across the water. When you got back across the water, their vehicles were gone. I can see why you would be surprised they beat you there.
Mo heads out to dig, quickly getting dirty and starting to complain. Jo tells her to just dig. As the opinion of Mo everywhere starts to head south, let me remind you of this:
Eric and Jeremy arrive, and Eric takes to the sand mounds. Barry is the first to find a shuwa, but he has trouble digging it out. I was going to say he had trouble getting it up, but that seemed like a cheap joke even by my standards. Mo also finds a shuwa, and is able to dig it out quicker than Barry. I was going to say her vast experience in using her hands to get things up gave her an advantage over Barry, but figured if I didn’t make the first cheap joke, I shouldn’t make that one.
Meanwhile, Jeremy is standing by a camel cheering Eric on. The camel lets out a long, low moan, to which Jeremy replies “I don’t need any of your lip.” These guys can be funny when they try.
Mo takes her shuwa to the clue man, who hands her a clue. She reads that they need to make their way to the next pit stop at Jabreen Castle. It is a 150 mile trip, and the last team to arrive may be eliminated.
Like there’s a chance that will happen.
Barry gets his shuwa on, and he and Fran get their clue. So does Eric. Tyler, meanwhile, is getting frustrated. Tyler tries to encourage him, but BJ simply mutters about how Tyker got to do all the cool roadblocks and he’s had to do the tough roadblocks. I would agree with him, but one of the tough roadblocks he cites was the looking under gnomes roadblock. Dude. That was the simplest roadblock of all time. You didn’t have to dig, and you could tell where the other teams had looked because there was a gnome lying on the ground. In the shuwa roadblock, there might still be some lamb under a mound someone else dug at, they just didn’t dig deep enough.
Cut to Ray and Yolanda (remember them? they are in the show) in the car, coming to the roadblock. They are still bickering about something that started the day before. Ray denies being stressed, denies swearing at Yolanda. She asks why he is quiet and he says he is just driving Miss Daisy. They get to the roadblock, which Yolanda does, probably because of the “each team member must perform x number of roadblocks” rule, otherwise known as the Chip and Kim rule. As she enters the field of battle, Ray tells her get a pattern going. Yolanda mutters under her breath, in words so soft the editors caption them, “Your momma got a pattern going.”
That’s the great thing about “Your momma” jokes. They don’t have to have any sense or meaning to them.
Anyway, Yolanda quickly finds a shuwa, and we go to commercial with the feeling that BJ, the Bear, and Tyler may go Lena and Kristy on us.
Pardon me while I rant.
The best thing about TAR is that, alone among the major reality contest shows, the winner of TAR is determined by first and foremost ability. Sure, luck plays a role, but as Einstein once said, chance favors the prepared mind. You have to be in position to take advantage of lucky breaks. Sure, there is a team every year that makes it to final five or four purely by taking advantage of the miscues of others (I’m looking at you, Meredith and Gretchen), but the team that races the best throughout the race is almost always among the top three teams and the team that wins is almost always among the best teams in the race. There is no tribal council, no voting by phone, no CEO making choices deciding who goes home.
Which is why roadblocks like this suck so much. They are entirely dependent on luck, on hitting the right spot, and not at all dependent on skill. They certainly shouldn’t be used in elimination legs, and probably not used at all. Less than 5% of the mounds have a shuwa in them – the odds of hitting one quickly are astronomical. So why penalize a team who doesn’t hit the lottery?
But, again, I digress.
After commercial, BJ quickly finds a shuwa. They get their clue and take off. Meanwhile, MoJo and Fran and Barry find the town where the castle is located. MoJo pull off to get quick directions, while Fran and Barry drive straight ahead, resulting in them taking first place, much to their delight. MoJo come to the mat shortly after them, with a look that, well. If you didn’t have the sound up, and had just tuned in, you would have thought that Phil told them they were eliminated. Hell, I don’t think they could have looked more pissed if they HAD been eliminated.
We cut back to Eric and Jeremy, deciding to take a short cut to the castle. They then proceed to get hopelessly lost. As they struggle, Ray and Yolanda arrive at the castle and come in third. In confessional afterwards, Yolanda said her main goal entering the race was to have fun. She complains that she is not having fun. Hey! You got a Yo’ Momma joke on network television! What else do you want?
We have a bad attempt at ratcheting up the tension and making it seem that BJ and the Tyler and Bear can catch Eric and Jeremy, but they don’t. The frat boys take fourth, and get lectured by Phil about being overconfident. At least that’s how I took it. When the BJ and Bear and Tyler come to the mat, they are doing the obligatory put-all-clothes-on-in-case-of-non-elimination-round, and Phil doesn’t disappoint them. He tells them they are last (loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnggggggggggggggg pppppppppppppaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuusssssssssssssssseeeeeeee) but he is happy to say they are still in the race. They hand over their money and the possessions they don’t have on, but remain in good spirits. They say that without their possessions holding them back they will surprise the other teams. And with that, we fade out into the Oman night, ready to race again next week.
Next on The Amazing Race: The teams go to Australia, do some tasks, and then get stranded when their Oceanic flight out of Sydney crashes. I look forward to it! ¶ 3:55 PM
Comments:
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I can't see you playing sleazy.
well, mostly because of the bifocal thing. That, and the fact that the commercials never aired. And I don't live where they would have, anyway.
Oh. Nice job. Wish I could perform so well so quickly. Well, in some things, that is.
well, mostly because of the bifocal thing. That, and the fact that the commercials never aired. And I don't live where they would have, anyway.
Oh. Nice job. Wish I could perform so well so quickly. Well, in some things, that is.
Oh they aired, for a couple of weeks. They got great response to them too. The owner just thought they were too undignified.
As if anything I was associated with could be undignified.
As if anything I was associated with could be undignified.
I thought you would like to know that I sing your Detour song every episode. It is burned into my memory. Thanks for that.
And thanks for the summary!
And thanks for the summary!
I haven't read one of these in a long time. It was great! Lots and lots of funny parts. Gee, I sound like a 6th grader.
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