What's So Amazing?
Thursday, May 18, 2006
The Amazing Race Season Nine Finale
Kings of Karma: A Summary Not Written by Dweeze
Previously on nearly all recent summaries, Devious Weasel bailed out his loser friends and dashed off a comedic gem of such rare brilliance that far flung planetary systems turned on their axis and said “whazzat?” Also, TeamJoisey’s hard drive was eliminated in the “bad header”challenge (catapulting him into the aforementioned pantheon of loser friends) and Andrew Savage emerged to beat the snot out of Aras Baskaballus…
Oh wait… that was previously among “circle of” productions, where stalwart chum Dweezil got stuck with long relief duty before the arrival of overpaid, egomaniacal closers. Thanks, kid. Ya done good.
“Now pitching for the New York Mets, number 13, lefthander Billy Wagner…”
Previously on The Amazing Race
Let's begin all the way back at the beginning, when Jerry Bruckenmeisterstalag and Bertram Van "Eddie" Munster hired Phil "The Sweater" Keoghan. OK, not that far back. Let's go to Denver, and the start of The Amazing Race Nine, which directly followed Amazing Race Seven, making no stop whatsoever at any Amazing Race resembling the number Eight. Personally, I'm so relieved to be free of the Weavers I can't summon enough vitriol to hate this season. Yeah, it was sucky and predictable. But last season was a disaster of Biblical proportions.
I digress. And not for the last time.
There we were in Colorado. Phil cocked his .48-caliber eyebrow, and fired. The recoil hurled nearly a dozen coupled cadavers down the hillside at the Red Rocks Ampeetheater. We we off and not-really-racing. Phil takes us along on a 12-minute recap of every episode, every country, every Philimination, every non-philimination, every non-proliferation treaty between the “he’s gay, I’m not” best friends, every moment of wife-beating glory in the previous ten episodes. Has it been 10? Do you care? Do we have summaries? (Yes, yes we do. Look to your right and be entertained.)
Along the way we’ve discarded a vast array of useless idiots, hideous harridans, and a half-dozen breast implants larger than Phil’s head.
There were the “bestest pals who aren’t gay, no way,” those weeping, screaming old harlot sisters, an illegal immigrant mother-daughter team, a pair of bubblechested blonde sluts, the loving and loveable nerds, a psychotic dentist, two geriatric sex addicts and most recently Team MoJo, Joseph & Monica. It was she who gave all the world a brief peek at her Brazilian crotch barbering. (At least those who could take their eyes off her bulging cleavage.) Good times. I think it was fitting that one of the final images of Monica is her walking the street, sobbing, holding up her two large jugs.
Along the way, Phil details each of the nine countries the race has visited thus far, even providing a helpful shot of the Italian flag, in case any viewers at home might want to store such information for use later in the episode.
We’ve seen holes dug, hoes drilled, plates smashed, cliffs climbed, laundry sniffed, bungees stretched, parachutes opened, crickets gnawed. We’ve tolerated every moment of fish slapping, doll-coring, diaper-wrasslin' monkey love. Finally, we are down to three teams.
The Hippies: BJ & Tyler. Highy educated, multilingual, well-traveled young white males who work exceptionally well as a team and stay upbeat and mutually supportive through adversity. Total dweebs. They've finished last in both non-philimination legs, and continued on despite a serious lack of pants. Aside from being drippy, flippy weirdos, they’ve done nothing offensive other than wear hideous clothing and grow copious amounts of hair. On the other hand, these people do not represent George W. Bush’s America. The NSA is currently combing through the lint in their dryer. What's the odds these guy have rolling papers stashed under the floorboards?
The Frat Boys: Eric & Jeremy. Misogynistic cretins who dropped out of college to spend more time masturbating, these two hypercompetitive slimeballs have offended our global neighbors at every opportunity. (Now that’s Amurrican!) They rarely think, except with their penises, and they lack any ability to communicate in complex sentences. They have not had a single likeable moment in the entire run of the show. In fact, it’s been clearly established that they are complete assholes, unworthy of the one million dollar prize. On The Amazing Race, teams of unworthy assholes never win the money, unless the whiny one has large tits.
Some Other Team That Has Had Absolutely No Impact On The Show Whatsoever: Ray & Yolanda. It wouldn’t be an Amazing Race without Token Blacks. We’ve seen loving black couples win twice in the last three years, but this pair does not qualify as loving. Nor intelligent, nor skillful, nor interesting. They are here by accident. I will mention them only when it becomes necessary. Trust me, that won’t happen a lot.
The real show finally opens in Bang-Cock, which Phil describes as the commercial and cultural center of Thailand. To the Frats, this means "a place where 14-year-old girls will suck you off for three dollars."
The Hippies earned a Fast Forward in the previous leg by devouring five quarts of Kentucky Fried Crickets, and thus are the first to depart. They open the clue envelope with their usual mock gusto at 11:18 p.m. This insures the three remaining teams will be bunched together before sunrise. As they depart, BJ tells us they expected to win every leg, but have been surprisingly humbled by the same moronic mistakes we saw from every other team. Only luck and the magic of non-Philimination has kept them from going home. That, and good mushrooms.
The clue-that-isn't-a-clue-but-merely-printed-instructions directs them to the Royal Kraal, an elephant farm 75 miles away, where some lavishly overdressed pachyderms are text-messaging Shane Powers with their Blackberry-esque T-Mobile Sidekicks. Like everyone and everything else in Thailand, these royal elephants are willing to tart themselves up in the middle of the night and whore themselves out for American dollars.
The Frat Boys depart more than two hours later, and count out the $388 allocated for this leg of the race. Nobody ever runs out of money, so this is useless information. The Frat Boys also tell us that “since this is the final three, we want to win.” Also useless information, but it does demonstrate an ability to count to three.
Some Other Team That Has Had Absolutely No Impact On The Show Whatsoever departs at 1:28. They are determined to catch the Hippies and the “Frat Girls,” but expound on the problems in their relationship and how simple discussions about race strategy turn into personal problems. (Uh-huh. Yeah. You’re right. I agree. OK, let’s do that. ... What do you mean my ass is big?) Listen, Some Other Team That Has Had Absolutely No Impact On The Show Whatsoever, we don’t care about your relationship, your strategy or your promises to win the money. Just let the cameraman focus on those muscular thighs and shut up.
Eventually, each team arrives at the elephant corral, which opens at 4 a.m. They wait. We wait. We ponder whether the elephant corral normally opens at 4 a.m., or if the producers have rigged the schedule. The handwritten sign in English is our first clue.
At 4 a.m. the elephants do a lap dance, the racers dodge doo-doo, the royal pachyderm prostitutes do their whorish pandering for T-Mobile. The participants all fake interest in the sponsor’s gizmo, which tells them to fly to Tokyo’s version of Times Square and watch the huge video screens for the next clue. Ray writes this down. With a crayon. BJ and Tyler rejoice at this news, and give us the first of 6 trillion reminders that Tyler speaks Japanese.
It is time for another round of Airport Tag, where teams scramble about, looking for any slight advantage, only to end up on the same exact planes. This iteration is in Thailand, and it is of no interest at all except that the oh-so-confident Hippies are denied seats on the oh-so-important United Flight 9. Feh.
COMMERCIALS
Venus feminine razors now have a built in vibrator, which does much to explain the current predeliction for nearly hairless crotches… The Roaming Gnome, not buried in a shallow hole waiting for shallow contestants… Nike attempts to warn Americans about soccer… Not a pachyderm prostitute quite yet, the rapidly thickening Catherine Zeta Jones whores for T-Mobile… an asthma medicine, whose disclaimer actually includes these words: “may increase the chance of asthma-related death” … Applebee’s shithole restaurants… Promos for CBS shows: Cold Case (of Beer); King of Queers; Julia Louis Dreyfus Used to Be Funny; Charlie Sheen Really Really Likes Little Girls; Julia Louis Dreyfus Won’t Go Away; Letterman; When I Shtupped Everybody But Your Mother.
Back to the show. We are thrilled by the vision of people boarding aircraft. The Hippies find seats on another flight 90 minutes behind the other teams. They are not concerned because, in case you were wondering, they speak Japanese. Teams must eventually find their way to the Hotel Nikko Smith, where they will acquire economical Japanese cars for the trip to Sudoku Square. The next clue is a huge sign that says simply, "Find Natalie Holloway." Well, it should have. We can't all sit around waiting for that voyeur Greta Van Susteren to do it. The sign actually says "Play Pachinko."
The Frat Boys get directions and a map from the hotel desk, which is a good thing. Japanese road signs are indecipherable, even for people who conveniently speak Japanese. It's tougher than reading a bowl of noodles. No wonder those people all squint: It's a mystery how they ever found Pearl Harbor. Needless to say, Some Other Team That Has Had Absolutely No Impact On The Show Whatsoever gets hopelessly lost. The ever-resourceful Hippies get off a plane and onto a bus, where they befriend and get directions from some Japanese-speaking native resident-type Japanese people.
In Engrish.
Once in Sudoku Square, we learn that Hachiko is the Japanese Lassie, and has been imortalized with a nearby statue where a garishly-scarved anime refugee provides the next envelope. This reveals a Detour. The choice (each with its own pros and cons) is Slut in a Box or Tiny Bicycles of Death. In the first, teams have to pick up and deliver a prepackaged courtesan to a tea garden. In the other, they must assemble bikes the size of a noseclip and deliver two small packages to nearby Toyko addresses. The first choice is for rational humans. The second choice is for idiotically optimistic teams which speak Japanese. Sadly, there are no rational humans in the game. Predictably, The Frat Boys choose to pick up sluts.
The Hippies, of course, chose silly bicycles, and pedal off shouting random Japanese phrases at confused and amused pedestrians. Some Other Team That Has Had Absolutely No Impact On The Show Whatsoever is stuck in traffic looking for Sudoku Square, confident they are still in the game.
COMMERCIALS
Tom Hanks cracks The DaVinci Code with his imperviously shellacked hair... McDonalds has a new crisp Asian salad, featuring Hachinko nuggets... Antonio Bee-deras for Nasonex... newly formulated Head & Shoulders can now be used to clean your hair... Visa reveals a key secret business practice: steal ideas... Promo for CSI:NY, with some ludicrous plot about terrorists planting bombs in Manhattan, which could never happen now that George W. Bush is Prezdent... News promo promises to reveal the neighborhood sexual predators stalking your children (welcome to sweeps month)... Saab-bots turn your car into an F-16 fighter so you can join the War On Terror, Swedish Edition... Plasticized couple Regis and Kelly for Commerce Bank... Women confess that Dove chocolates are more fun than vibrating razors.
When we return, The Frat Boys deliver the Slut in a Box and reveal the precious cargo, which Eric declares to be a naughty fantasy come true. 
Fantasy? I guess we are supposed to think he's never stuffed any tiny Asian women into a wooden crate and buried them in the garden. And did anyone notice the unaturally large lips and mouth on this woman/child? Do you think that's a coincidence or an employment requirement?
I digress. There's a clue involved here, which sends teams to the Capsule Land Hotel, which provides vending-machine sized sleeping berths passing as hotel accomodations. Naturally, it is back in Sudoku Square, inches from the statue of Pachinko the Wonder Dog. The Frats pile back into the cab for a return trip. Meanwhile, The Hippies wheel their way around Toyko and deliver their "packages" to smiling receptionists inside office buildings. The Others continue to star in their own episode of Lost.
The Frat Boys arrive at the Capsule Hotel, and make lame jokes about time capsules. The Hippies return the nano-bikes and blather on in random Japanese phrases while hunting for the hotel. Soon enough, they join up with Frat Boys. Ray and Yolanda eventually find Pachinko, mishandle and deliver the Slut in a Box, find the vending machine hotel. They have each been given starting times for the morning, but only 30 minutes separate the three teams. Bunching, sardine style. All three teams go off to play Hyperbaric Michael Jackson for the night. As an aside: You know I would never make a racially insensitive remark, but why is it Ray that makes the observation that the capsule hotel is like a prison?
When they awake and depart, they are given the next envelope. This directs them to Fujikyu Highland, an amusement park near the base of Mount Fuji, Japan's big volcanic mountain. The park's rollercoasters are among the tallest and fastest in the world. When they arrive they will find a Roadblock, which requires one team member to ride three rollercoasters and look for a man holding a monstrously large sign naming their next destination.
Everyone jumps in those economical Japanese cars, and off they go in search of Ku-chi-ku Island, and/or directions to the amusement park. As an aside: You know I would never make a racially insensitive remark, but why is it that Ray and Yolanda immediately stop at Dennys?
Jeremy spots an inordinately large volcano-like hill with a snow-capped peak, and declares it must be Mount Tokyo. Eric correctly identifies it as Mount Suribachi. Speaking of spewing detritus, The Hippies continue to revel in the smug confidence borne of their ability to speak Japanese. To them, life is a Nintendo game. Soon enough they catch up to the Frat Boys, who damn them for their language skills.
When teams arrive at One Flag over Tokyo, they open the instructions for the Roadblock, which Phil describes as “the physical strain and adrenaline rush of three consecutive thrill rides.” The Hippies see this physical strain as something less demanding than Bowl O’ Bugs.
Tyler and Jeremy ride at the same time. Tyler makes friends with two Japanese ladies. Jeremy attempts to seduce three uniformed schoolgirls, who giggle at him dismissively. On the first ride, Tyler declares he's going to regurgitate some crickets; Jeremy say snot is coming out of his nose. Oh...remember Some Other Team That Has Had Absolutely No Impact On The Show Whatsoever? They somehow lost their Turnpike ticket, and are stuck at a tollbooth.
COMMERCIALS
The Gnome… Subaru Outback … nerds for Wendy’s Frosties… contact lenses that breathe… I know some women pile on tons of makeup, but I had no idea you could buy primer for your lips… Dr. Phil… CSI: The Good One, with one cast member imperiled… Without a Trace, which promises a cast member will be imperiled in a plot twist so thrilling they can’t show it on TV. (Huh?)… Close to Home tells the tale of a young lady running an Internet webcam porn site from her bedroom in her parents’ suburban home (sadly, I did not get the site address), and YET ANOTHER cast member is imperiled… Rippling fabric makes me want to buy an Infiniti… Reality show winners should bank at Wachovia… Women who drive the Ford Fusion are promised sexual gratification (your mileage may vary)… and a news blurb on the hunt for Jimmy Hoffa in some cornfield. So much for the legend he’s buried at Giants Stadium.
We return, and things haven’t changed much. Ray and Yolanda fail to find the Turnpike ticket, and pay the maximum fare before moving along. Tyler and Jeremy ride the next two thrill rides. After a little ruse about spotting the clue on the second one, both see the enormous sign on the third ride. They retrieve the instructions, which direct them to a pit stop at Lake Yo!Monica. Once they arrive they must pedal duck-shaped boats out to the swan-shaped yacht where Phil waits.
Off they go in their economical Japanese cars, which, although smaller than the duck boats, do not require pedaling. These two teams jockey for position all the way to the lake, and then furiously duel their way across the water in the absurd little duck boats. The Hippies prevail, possibly because the Frats were stuck in the duck boat with the top hat. Waiting at mat alongside Phil is the Captain Stubing of the Waterfowl Navy, who welcomes them to the Pit Stop. Phil tells them they’ve won a T-Mobile Sidekick, elephant snot included, and three years of service. On his command, they jump for joy. 
The Frats arrive and the teams trash talk each other inanely. Hours later, Some Other Team That Has Had Absolutely No Impact On The Show Whatsoever arrives to find it is a non-elimination leg. Phil takes their money but not their pants, reminds them they lack any communication skills, and taunts them with the million dollars we all know they can’t possibly win. Both of them say they can win because they’ve had flashes of brilliance along the way. Honestly, I can’t even remember flashes of competence. I can’t even figure out which one ties Ray’s shoes in the morning.
COMMERCIALS
Product placement reminder for the T-Mobile… the idiotically named Cymbalta prescription medication for depression… Chase credit cards allow you to spy on your children while simultaneously transmitting all transaction data to the Department of Homeland Security… Red Lobster describes shrimp scampi as “decadent”… Lowes do-it-yourself home improvement centers are taking the “yourself” out of do-it-yourself… That creepy Burger King ad campaign is so effective that Quaker Oats has ripped it off… Speaking of creepy, here’s Dr. Phil… Country music awards, from Las Vegas, featuring shrieking robotic Carrie Underwear.
The final leg begins. Phil welcomes us to the show as if this is a new episode. We see the three teams sitting on the floor eating dinner aboard a big floating chicken. Phil tells us this last leg is a sprint to the finish. Uh-huh. A sprint, with four dead stop bunch points.
The Hippies depart at 12:18 a.m. and get instructions to fly to Anchorage, Alaska. As they depart, they leave money for Some Other Team That Has Had Absolutely No Impact On The Show Whatsoever. It won’t help. Tyler tells us he and BJ have been training their whole lives for this leg of the race, and they will approach it with wide-eyed enthusiasm and joy. There's something extra special about a relationship that includes the terms "BJ" and "wide-eyed enthusiasm."
The Frat Boys leave two minutes later. They admit they have no friends. As they drive toward the hotel to drop off the cars, they do the tired old “fake Japanese voiceover” schtick. More inexplicable traffic signs: the two teams take different routes back to Tokyo.
Three hours later, Some Other Team That Has Had Absolutely No Impact On The Show Whatsoever begins the last leg. They are thrilled with the $20 left by the Hippies. They stop in a local restaurant, where drunken businessmen declare Yolanda looks like Janet Jackson. They shower her with cash in hope of a quick wardrobe malfunction. She does not comply.
The Hippies arrive first at the hotel. They get directions to the Internet center, and ask the desk clerk to lie if anyone else asks for online service. As the Hippies are making Internet reservations, the Frats arrive. The desk clerk smiles and winks and tells them there is no Internet service. The Frats phone the airlines instead. They end up on different routes to Alaska, but only minutes apart. After this secret stuff, the Frats lounge in the lobby awaiting a shuttle, confident the Hippies are an hour behind. BJ and Tyler share whispers while spying from the balcony. This inconsequential, immature drama is intended to remind us these two teams have been battling each other since the first episode. The teams meet up and the Frats lament the lack of Internet service in the hotel. The lying desk clerk beams at the camera. As they board the shuttle, BJ thanks the liar, unaware that this little 15 minutes of subterfuge has no bearing on the next phase of travel or the outcome of the show. But it does bruise the karma.
That wasn’t silly enough? Now the two teams arrive at the airport, and the Frat Boys hunker behind a wall to keep the Hippies from trailing along. The clever Frat Boys sneak onto their earlier flight headed for a connection in Taipei. 
After they leave, the Hippies check around and book seats for that same connecting flight out of Taipei. Ray and Yolanda finally arrive at the airport, and sure enough, they find the same connecting Taipei flight. They fight with the ticket agent who tells them they are too late to board the flight to Taipei. Stop me if you’ve heard this one before. Hate to break this to you Ray, but you are not Rob Mariano.
COMMERCIALS
Michael has returned from the Other side of the Island and reports there are three dozen hot models dancing in Old Navy madras clothing... Claritin... Edy's slow churned ice cream inspires stalkers... The Saab wagon, for drivers with low self esteem... Gnome... Aveeno sunblock will last all summer... Dave puts Bruce Willis in a tank of water. Damn the oxygen tube... Mercedes can tow your house... Friendship cottage cheese salutes previous contestants on the Race, including losers Lori & Bolo and Rebecca & Adam. We are also reminded that the detestable winners Freddy & Kendra have more money than us... James and the Giant Peach for the Orange Savings Bank... You can fit your whole house in a Mercedes... A news promo for CSI: The University.
Ho-hum. Japanese airport counter. No tickee, no boardee. Awready crowsed. What's dat, producer-san? Okay, we open prane now. Wecome aboard, Janet Jacki-san. Yes, Some Other Team That Has Had Absolutely No Impact On The Show Whatsoever gets on the same plane with the Hippies. And yes, they both arrive in Taipei in time for the connecting flight with the Frat Boys. Welcome aboard Bunch Airlines, folks!
Phil intones, "All teams are now flying to Anchorage, Alaska." We get the cute little map with a single animated line. Teams arrive to find it is both cold and snowing in Alaska. Somehow BJ, who had no shoes and pants, Some Other Team(etc.) which had no money, and the Frats all acquire parkas and boots.
When they get to their cars they find instructions sending them to Mirror Lake. They all get the exact same directions from the exact same toll booth operator, "stay straight on this road until you get there."
One team gets lost. Twice. Can you guess which team?
The Frat Boys pass The Hippies on the highway, assuring a vital 14-second time advantage. The envelope at Mirror Lake announces a detour. Drill It or Deliver It. One involves tediously cutting holes through the ice with an auger and setting up an ice fishing shanty. The other involves flying 150 miles over scenic Alaska to deliver first aid supplies, and then flying back. Of course, the Frats choose to drill. The Hippies chose the plane, but ha-ha you hippies. We can’t fly in the snow. Go drill. And the idiot Frat Boys taunt our heroic Hippies for being copycats.
Did I mention tedious? Ten holes takes a long time. Eric and Jeremy, who’ve spent their lives drilling things cold and unresponsive, finish first. The next instructions send them to Kincaid Park, where they have to put on snowshoes and trek along a trail to the next cloobox. Hippies finish and leave just as Ray and Yolanda arrive and begin to drill. Ray, a native of Florida, complains about the cold. Through the miracle of editing, they drill their holes in seconds and race off to the next task. Ray predicts they’ll catch up at the airport. Duh. Overheard at the task: Fisherman to Yolanda, “let me check your holes.”
Frats arrive at Kincaid Park and find the snowshoes along the wall in front of the chalet. Hippies search all over for the snowshoes, nearly tripping over them twice. Silly, silly Hippies.
COMMERCIALS
X-Men: The Last Stand (unless we make money and then we’ll make more movies)… Ford will help you terrorize your daughter… Announcing birth control pills that shorten menstrual periods. Now there’s a dilemma for Rev. Wildmon… Meglomaniacal millionaire bankers sneer at common Americans here in George W. Bush's Amurrica… Promos for CSI, and for that unbelieveable show where Rob Morron is supposed to be an FBI agent. This time his genius brother calculates up some serial-sexual-thrill-killer and both Judd Hirsch (gunshot) and Rob Morron (injection in the neck) are imperiled. Welcome to sweeps, where desperate producers need to boost their Numbers.
Back to the action. The Hippies eventually find the snowshoes in front of their faces. Undeterred, they put them on and skip along the trail. Frats find the cloobox first, and the instructions send them to the final city: Denver. They must drive to Clear Creek History Park in nearby Golden, Colorado and search the place for another envelope. The Frat Boys head back to the chalet and catch a cab for the airport. The Hippies are shown wandering around the Kincaid Park trails. Eventually they find the cloobox, return the invisible snowshoes and catch a cab to the airport. (Dusk falls. Some Other Team arrives. No one cares.)
The Frat Boys book seats on a Frontier Airlines flight at 11:10 p.m. The Hippies book seats on a Frontier Airlines flight at 11:10 p.m. Both teams taunt each other in the airport. Some Other Team That Has Had Absolutely No Impact On The Show Whatsoever arrives ... and books seats on a Frontier Airlines flight at 11:10 p.m. Yawn.
All three teams scramble for cabs in Denver. The Frats arrive at the history park first and find their next instructions. This “clue” sends them back to Red Rocks Ampeetheater, where the race began, where there is one more cloobox of instructions. Hippies arrive at the history park as the Frats are leaving, and find the hidden envelope. Some Other Team That Has Had Absolutely No Impact On The Show Whatsoever arrives as the Hippies are leaving, and wander aimlessly, unable to find the hidden envelope.
It’s a series tradition: The Amazing Cab Race to The Finish Line. We see lots of intercut shots of the two leading teams peering out the window, worrying and hurling hexes.
COMMERCIALS
Gnome. Honda. Air Freshener. T-Mobile. Vibrating crotch razors. McDonald’s Asians. CSI: A Very Special Episode.
Enough with that shit. Back to the show. Frats are first to retrieve the envelope at Red Rocks. It's one final Roadblock. One team member has to run into a field full of 285 flags of various nations, collect the flags from the nine foreign countries they’ve visited on the race, and assemble them, in order, at hidden work stations. Teammates can provide advice, but no physical help. Each work station has a chart with unidentified flags, but the chart includes three incorrect flags. When they’ve completed the lineup of flags, they can run to the finish line.
Jeremy says Eric has the brains of the group. This was determined using electron microscopes. Eric sets off to collect flags. Despite all odds, he correctly places Brazil in the first slot and Japan in the last.
The Hippies draw near, and Tyler says he can smell Phil lurking in the shadows. Perhaps Phil is lactating again. The Heroic Hippies collect the clue, and agree BJ will do the task. Eric brings back a third flag, and puts it in the wrong position. Jeremy begins worrying, pointing out that Eric is a college dropout while BJ and Tyler went to Harvard and Stanford.
Sounds simple. Yet with all those brains, neither BJ or Tyler recognize the Russian flag. Note to Harvard graduates: The Soviet Union broke up. No more hammer and sickle, you pointy headed dweebs.
Meanwhile, Ray and Yolanda are.. Eh, who cares.
Eric and BJ continue to collect flags, and continue to put them in the wrong order. Eric is completely wrong about the order from early in the race. BJ actually has them all in the correct order, but jumped past Russia. Eric now has all the flags, but in the wrong order. Eric shuffles his flags, and is incorrect again. Eric shuffles his flags and is incorrect again.
Eric shuffles his flags and is incorrect again. BJ and Tyler finally identify the Russian flag on their helpful chart, and he races out to retrieve it. Eric is just one swap from completing the task. BJ begins moving the flags one slot to the left, Eric and Jeremy make one final incorrect swap. BJ finishes first and the Hippies sprint from the field, headed for the finish line. Frats kick the snow.
Cut to the finish line, where Phil waits with the cadre of previously Philiminated bozos. The Hippies come around the corner and are greeted by as much wild applause as 16 people in gloves can generate.
Phil greets them with his usual aplomb. "Five continents, nine countries, more than 59,000 miles and at least one billion Gnome commercials... BJ and Tyler you are the official winners of The Amazing Race. And not that excruciating Family abomination.
Tears, hugs, cheers, brak brak brak. Life-changing... world's a beautiful place... adventure energy... If it is this successful to be hippies, we might as well stay hippies.
The Frat Boys arrive. One of the most competitive ever... grumble grumble... We didn't know the last one would be brains, dammit. We're college dropouts and we hoped to win so we could not work our crappy jobs. Back to waiting tables.
Some Other Team That Has Had Absolutely No Impact On The Show Whatsoever arrives just before Phil's mammaries succumb to frostbite. It seems they've skipped the flag task completely. Phil greets them, the crowd applauds tepidly. Someone shouts, "Get married." Yolanda fires back sharply, "Not today." Phil says there is love. Ray says there is love. Yolanda says there is tough love. In the end, there must be something... they got engaged on The Early Show this week.
It's time for pithy final words from the Hippies:
Joy. Love. Peace.
Psst. Dood, did you pack the bong?
¶ 12:32 AM 4 Comments
Previously on nearly all recent summaries, Devious Weasel bailed out his loser friends and dashed off a comedic gem of such rare brilliance that far flung planetary systems turned on their axis and said “whazzat?” Also, TeamJoisey’s hard drive was eliminated in the “bad header”challenge (catapulting him into the aforementioned pantheon of loser friends) and Andrew Savage emerged to beat the snot out of Aras Baskaballus…
Oh wait… that was previously among “circle of” productions, where stalwart chum Dweezil got stuck with long relief duty before the arrival of overpaid, egomaniacal closers. Thanks, kid. Ya done good.
“Now pitching for the New York Mets, number 13, lefthander Billy Wagner…”
Previously on The Amazing Race
Let's begin all the way back at the beginning, when Jerry Bruckenmeisterstalag and Bertram Van "Eddie" Munster hired Phil "The Sweater" Keoghan. OK, not that far back. Let's go to Denver, and the start of The Amazing Race Nine, which directly followed Amazing Race Seven, making no stop whatsoever at any Amazing Race resembling the number Eight. Personally, I'm so relieved to be free of the Weavers I can't summon enough vitriol to hate this season. Yeah, it was sucky and predictable. But last season was a disaster of Biblical proportions.
I digress. And not for the last time.
There we were in Colorado. Phil cocked his .48-caliber eyebrow, and fired. The recoil hurled nearly a dozen coupled cadavers down the hillside at the Red Rocks Ampeetheater. We we off and not-really-racing. Phil takes us along on a 12-minute recap of every episode, every country, every Philimination, every non-philimination, every non-proliferation treaty between the “he’s gay, I’m not” best friends, every moment of wife-beating glory in the previous ten episodes. Has it been 10? Do you care? Do we have summaries? (Yes, yes we do. Look to your right and be entertained.)
Along the way we’ve discarded a vast array of useless idiots, hideous harridans, and a half-dozen breast implants larger than Phil’s head.
There were the “bestest pals who aren’t gay, no way,” those weeping, screaming old harlot sisters, an illegal immigrant mother-daughter team, a pair of bubblechested blonde sluts, the loving and loveable nerds, a psychotic dentist, two geriatric sex addicts and most recently Team MoJo, Joseph & Monica. It was she who gave all the world a brief peek at her Brazilian crotch barbering. (At least those who could take their eyes off her bulging cleavage.) Good times. I think it was fitting that one of the final images of Monica is her walking the street, sobbing, holding up her two large jugs.
Along the way, Phil details each of the nine countries the race has visited thus far, even providing a helpful shot of the Italian flag, in case any viewers at home might want to store such information for use later in the episode.We’ve seen holes dug, hoes drilled, plates smashed, cliffs climbed, laundry sniffed, bungees stretched, parachutes opened, crickets gnawed. We’ve tolerated every moment of fish slapping, doll-coring, diaper-wrasslin' monkey love. Finally, we are down to three teams.
The Hippies: BJ & Tyler. Highy educated, multilingual, well-traveled young white males who work exceptionally well as a team and stay upbeat and mutually supportive through adversity. Total dweebs. They've finished last in both non-philimination legs, and continued on despite a serious lack of pants. Aside from being drippy, flippy weirdos, they’ve done nothing offensive other than wear hideous clothing and grow copious amounts of hair. On the other hand, these people do not represent George W. Bush’s America. The NSA is currently combing through the lint in their dryer. What's the odds these guy have rolling papers stashed under the floorboards?
The Frat Boys: Eric & Jeremy. Misogynistic cretins who dropped out of college to spend more time masturbating, these two hypercompetitive slimeballs have offended our global neighbors at every opportunity. (Now that’s Amurrican!) They rarely think, except with their penises, and they lack any ability to communicate in complex sentences. They have not had a single likeable moment in the entire run of the show. In fact, it’s been clearly established that they are complete assholes, unworthy of the one million dollar prize. On The Amazing Race, teams of unworthy assholes never win the money, unless the whiny one has large tits.
Some Other Team That Has Had Absolutely No Impact On The Show Whatsoever: Ray & Yolanda. It wouldn’t be an Amazing Race without Token Blacks. We’ve seen loving black couples win twice in the last three years, but this pair does not qualify as loving. Nor intelligent, nor skillful, nor interesting. They are here by accident. I will mention them only when it becomes necessary. Trust me, that won’t happen a lot.
The real show finally opens in Bang-Cock, which Phil describes as the commercial and cultural center of Thailand. To the Frats, this means "a place where 14-year-old girls will suck you off for three dollars."
The Hippies earned a Fast Forward in the previous leg by devouring five quarts of Kentucky Fried Crickets, and thus are the first to depart. They open the clue envelope with their usual mock gusto at 11:18 p.m. This insures the three remaining teams will be bunched together before sunrise. As they depart, BJ tells us they expected to win every leg, but have been surprisingly humbled by the same moronic mistakes we saw from every other team. Only luck and the magic of non-Philimination has kept them from going home. That, and good mushrooms.
The clue-that-isn't-a-clue-but-merely-printed-instructions directs them to the Royal Kraal, an elephant farm 75 miles away, where some lavishly overdressed pachyderms are text-messaging Shane Powers with their Blackberry-esque T-Mobile Sidekicks. Like everyone and everything else in Thailand, these royal elephants are willing to tart themselves up in the middle of the night and whore themselves out for American dollars.
The Frat Boys depart more than two hours later, and count out the $388 allocated for this leg of the race. Nobody ever runs out of money, so this is useless information. The Frat Boys also tell us that “since this is the final three, we want to win.” Also useless information, but it does demonstrate an ability to count to three.
Some Other Team That Has Had Absolutely No Impact On The Show Whatsoever departs at 1:28. They are determined to catch the Hippies and the “Frat Girls,” but expound on the problems in their relationship and how simple discussions about race strategy turn into personal problems. (Uh-huh. Yeah. You’re right. I agree. OK, let’s do that. ... What do you mean my ass is big?) Listen, Some Other Team That Has Had Absolutely No Impact On The Show Whatsoever, we don’t care about your relationship, your strategy or your promises to win the money. Just let the cameraman focus on those muscular thighs and shut up.
Eventually, each team arrives at the elephant corral, which opens at 4 a.m. They wait. We wait. We ponder whether the elephant corral normally opens at 4 a.m., or if the producers have rigged the schedule. The handwritten sign in English is our first clue. At 4 a.m. the elephants do a lap dance, the racers dodge doo-doo, the royal pachyderm prostitutes do their whorish pandering for T-Mobile. The participants all fake interest in the sponsor’s gizmo, which tells them to fly to Tokyo’s version of Times Square and watch the huge video screens for the next clue. Ray writes this down. With a crayon. BJ and Tyler rejoice at this news, and give us the first of 6 trillion reminders that Tyler speaks Japanese.
It is time for another round of Airport Tag, where teams scramble about, looking for any slight advantage, only to end up on the same exact planes. This iteration is in Thailand, and it is of no interest at all except that the oh-so-confident Hippies are denied seats on the oh-so-important United Flight 9. Feh.
COMMERCIALS
Venus feminine razors now have a built in vibrator, which does much to explain the current predeliction for nearly hairless crotches… The Roaming Gnome, not buried in a shallow hole waiting for shallow contestants… Nike attempts to warn Americans about soccer… Not a pachyderm prostitute quite yet, the rapidly thickening Catherine Zeta Jones whores for T-Mobile… an asthma medicine, whose disclaimer actually includes these words: “may increase the chance of asthma-related death” … Applebee’s shithole restaurants… Promos for CBS shows: Cold Case (of Beer); King of Queers; Julia Louis Dreyfus Used to Be Funny; Charlie Sheen Really Really Likes Little Girls; Julia Louis Dreyfus Won’t Go Away; Letterman; When I Shtupped Everybody But Your Mother.
Back to the show. We are thrilled by the vision of people boarding aircraft. The Hippies find seats on another flight 90 minutes behind the other teams. They are not concerned because, in case you were wondering, they speak Japanese. Teams must eventually find their way to the Hotel Nikko Smith, where they will acquire economical Japanese cars for the trip to Sudoku Square. The next clue is a huge sign that says simply, "Find Natalie Holloway." Well, it should have. We can't all sit around waiting for that voyeur Greta Van Susteren to do it. The sign actually says "Play Pachinko."
The Frat Boys get directions and a map from the hotel desk, which is a good thing. Japanese road signs are indecipherable, even for people who conveniently speak Japanese. It's tougher than reading a bowl of noodles. No wonder those people all squint: It's a mystery how they ever found Pearl Harbor. Needless to say, Some Other Team That Has Had Absolutely No Impact On The Show Whatsoever gets hopelessly lost. The ever-resourceful Hippies get off a plane and onto a bus, where they befriend and get directions from some Japanese-speaking native resident-type Japanese people.In Engrish.
Once in Sudoku Square, we learn that Hachiko is the Japanese Lassie, and has been imortalized with a nearby statue where a garishly-scarved anime refugee provides the next envelope. This reveals a Detour. The choice (each with its own pros and cons) is Slut in a Box or Tiny Bicycles of Death. In the first, teams have to pick up and deliver a prepackaged courtesan to a tea garden. In the other, they must assemble bikes the size of a noseclip and deliver two small packages to nearby Toyko addresses. The first choice is for rational humans. The second choice is for idiotically optimistic teams which speak Japanese. Sadly, there are no rational humans in the game. Predictably, The Frat Boys choose to pick up sluts.The Hippies, of course, chose silly bicycles, and pedal off shouting random Japanese phrases at confused and amused pedestrians. Some Other Team That Has Had Absolutely No Impact On The Show Whatsoever is stuck in traffic looking for Sudoku Square, confident they are still in the game.
COMMERCIALS
Tom Hanks cracks The DaVinci Code with his imperviously shellacked hair... McDonalds has a new crisp Asian salad, featuring Hachinko nuggets... Antonio Bee-deras for Nasonex... newly formulated Head & Shoulders can now be used to clean your hair... Visa reveals a key secret business practice: steal ideas... Promo for CSI:NY, with some ludicrous plot about terrorists planting bombs in Manhattan, which could never happen now that George W. Bush is Prezdent... News promo promises to reveal the neighborhood sexual predators stalking your children (welcome to sweeps month)... Saab-bots turn your car into an F-16 fighter so you can join the War On Terror, Swedish Edition... Plasticized couple Regis and Kelly for Commerce Bank... Women confess that Dove chocolates are more fun than vibrating razors.
When we return, The Frat Boys deliver the Slut in a Box and reveal the precious cargo, which Eric declares to be a naughty fantasy come true. 
Fantasy? I guess we are supposed to think he's never stuffed any tiny Asian women into a wooden crate and buried them in the garden. And did anyone notice the unaturally large lips and mouth on this woman/child? Do you think that's a coincidence or an employment requirement? I digress. There's a clue involved here, which sends teams to the Capsule Land Hotel, which provides vending-machine sized sleeping berths passing as hotel accomodations. Naturally, it is back in Sudoku Square, inches from the statue of Pachinko the Wonder Dog. The Frats pile back into the cab for a return trip. Meanwhile, The Hippies wheel their way around Toyko and deliver their "packages" to smiling receptionists inside office buildings. The Others continue to star in their own episode of Lost.
The Frat Boys arrive at the Capsule Hotel, and make lame jokes about time capsules. The Hippies return the nano-bikes and blather on in random Japanese phrases while hunting for the hotel. Soon enough, they join up with Frat Boys. Ray and Yolanda eventually find Pachinko, mishandle and deliver the Slut in a Box, find the vending machine hotel. They have each been given starting times for the morning, but only 30 minutes separate the three teams. Bunching, sardine style. All three teams go off to play Hyperbaric Michael Jackson for the night. As an aside: You know I would never make a racially insensitive remark, but why is it Ray that makes the observation that the capsule hotel is like a prison?When they awake and depart, they are given the next envelope. This directs them to Fujikyu Highland, an amusement park near the base of Mount Fuji, Japan's big volcanic mountain. The park's rollercoasters are among the tallest and fastest in the world. When they arrive they will find a Roadblock, which requires one team member to ride three rollercoasters and look for a man holding a monstrously large sign naming their next destination.
Everyone jumps in those economical Japanese cars, and off they go in search of Ku-chi-ku Island, and/or directions to the amusement park. As an aside: You know I would never make a racially insensitive remark, but why is it that Ray and Yolanda immediately stop at Dennys?
Jeremy spots an inordinately large volcano-like hill with a snow-capped peak, and declares it must be Mount Tokyo. Eric correctly identifies it as Mount Suribachi. Speaking of spewing detritus, The Hippies continue to revel in the smug confidence borne of their ability to speak Japanese. To them, life is a Nintendo game. Soon enough they catch up to the Frat Boys, who damn them for their language skills.
When teams arrive at One Flag over Tokyo, they open the instructions for the Roadblock, which Phil describes as “the physical strain and adrenaline rush of three consecutive thrill rides.” The Hippies see this physical strain as something less demanding than Bowl O’ Bugs.
Tyler and Jeremy ride at the same time. Tyler makes friends with two Japanese ladies. Jeremy attempts to seduce three uniformed schoolgirls, who giggle at him dismissively. On the first ride, Tyler declares he's going to regurgitate some crickets; Jeremy say snot is coming out of his nose. Oh...remember Some Other Team That Has Had Absolutely No Impact On The Show Whatsoever? They somehow lost their Turnpike ticket, and are stuck at a tollbooth. COMMERCIALS
The Gnome… Subaru Outback … nerds for Wendy’s Frosties… contact lenses that breathe… I know some women pile on tons of makeup, but I had no idea you could buy primer for your lips… Dr. Phil… CSI: The Good One, with one cast member imperiled… Without a Trace, which promises a cast member will be imperiled in a plot twist so thrilling they can’t show it on TV. (Huh?)… Close to Home tells the tale of a young lady running an Internet webcam porn site from her bedroom in her parents’ suburban home (sadly, I did not get the site address), and YET ANOTHER cast member is imperiled… Rippling fabric makes me want to buy an Infiniti… Reality show winners should bank at Wachovia… Women who drive the Ford Fusion are promised sexual gratification (your mileage may vary)… and a news blurb on the hunt for Jimmy Hoffa in some cornfield. So much for the legend he’s buried at Giants Stadium.
We return, and things haven’t changed much. Ray and Yolanda fail to find the Turnpike ticket, and pay the maximum fare before moving along. Tyler and Jeremy ride the next two thrill rides. After a little ruse about spotting the clue on the second one, both see the enormous sign on the third ride. They retrieve the instructions, which direct them to a pit stop at Lake Yo!Monica. Once they arrive they must pedal duck-shaped boats out to the swan-shaped yacht where Phil waits.
Off they go in their economical Japanese cars, which, although smaller than the duck boats, do not require pedaling. These two teams jockey for position all the way to the lake, and then furiously duel their way across the water in the absurd little duck boats. The Hippies prevail, possibly because the Frats were stuck in the duck boat with the top hat. Waiting at mat alongside Phil is the Captain Stubing of the Waterfowl Navy, who welcomes them to the Pit Stop. Phil tells them they’ve won a T-Mobile Sidekick, elephant snot included, and three years of service. On his command, they jump for joy. 
The Frats arrive and the teams trash talk each other inanely. Hours later, Some Other Team That Has Had Absolutely No Impact On The Show Whatsoever arrives to find it is a non-elimination leg. Phil takes their money but not their pants, reminds them they lack any communication skills, and taunts them with the million dollars we all know they can’t possibly win. Both of them say they can win because they’ve had flashes of brilliance along the way. Honestly, I can’t even remember flashes of competence. I can’t even figure out which one ties Ray’s shoes in the morning.COMMERCIALS
Product placement reminder for the T-Mobile… the idiotically named Cymbalta prescription medication for depression… Chase credit cards allow you to spy on your children while simultaneously transmitting all transaction data to the Department of Homeland Security… Red Lobster describes shrimp scampi as “decadent”… Lowes do-it-yourself home improvement centers are taking the “yourself” out of do-it-yourself… That creepy Burger King ad campaign is so effective that Quaker Oats has ripped it off… Speaking of creepy, here’s Dr. Phil… Country music awards, from Las Vegas, featuring shrieking robotic Carrie Underwear.
The final leg begins. Phil welcomes us to the show as if this is a new episode. We see the three teams sitting on the floor eating dinner aboard a big floating chicken. Phil tells us this last leg is a sprint to the finish. Uh-huh. A sprint, with four dead stop bunch points.
The Hippies depart at 12:18 a.m. and get instructions to fly to Anchorage, Alaska. As they depart, they leave money for Some Other Team That Has Had Absolutely No Impact On The Show Whatsoever. It won’t help. Tyler tells us he and BJ have been training their whole lives for this leg of the race, and they will approach it with wide-eyed enthusiasm and joy. There's something extra special about a relationship that includes the terms "BJ" and "wide-eyed enthusiasm."
The Frat Boys leave two minutes later. They admit they have no friends. As they drive toward the hotel to drop off the cars, they do the tired old “fake Japanese voiceover” schtick. More inexplicable traffic signs: the two teams take different routes back to Tokyo.
Three hours later, Some Other Team That Has Had Absolutely No Impact On The Show Whatsoever begins the last leg. They are thrilled with the $20 left by the Hippies. They stop in a local restaurant, where drunken businessmen declare Yolanda looks like Janet Jackson. They shower her with cash in hope of a quick wardrobe malfunction. She does not comply.
The Hippies arrive first at the hotel. They get directions to the Internet center, and ask the desk clerk to lie if anyone else asks for online service. As the Hippies are making Internet reservations, the Frats arrive. The desk clerk smiles and winks and tells them there is no Internet service. The Frats phone the airlines instead. They end up on different routes to Alaska, but only minutes apart. After this secret stuff, the Frats lounge in the lobby awaiting a shuttle, confident the Hippies are an hour behind. BJ and Tyler share whispers while spying from the balcony. This inconsequential, immature drama is intended to remind us these two teams have been battling each other since the first episode. The teams meet up and the Frats lament the lack of Internet service in the hotel. The lying desk clerk beams at the camera. As they board the shuttle, BJ thanks the liar, unaware that this little 15 minutes of subterfuge has no bearing on the next phase of travel or the outcome of the show. But it does bruise the karma.
That wasn’t silly enough? Now the two teams arrive at the airport, and the Frat Boys hunker behind a wall to keep the Hippies from trailing along. The clever Frat Boys sneak onto their earlier flight headed for a connection in Taipei. 
After they leave, the Hippies check around and book seats for that same connecting flight out of Taipei. Ray and Yolanda finally arrive at the airport, and sure enough, they find the same connecting Taipei flight. They fight with the ticket agent who tells them they are too late to board the flight to Taipei. Stop me if you’ve heard this one before. Hate to break this to you Ray, but you are not Rob Mariano.COMMERCIALS
Michael has returned from the Other side of the Island and reports there are three dozen hot models dancing in Old Navy madras clothing... Claritin... Edy's slow churned ice cream inspires stalkers... The Saab wagon, for drivers with low self esteem... Gnome... Aveeno sunblock will last all summer... Dave puts Bruce Willis in a tank of water. Damn the oxygen tube... Mercedes can tow your house... Friendship cottage cheese salutes previous contestants on the Race, including losers Lori & Bolo and Rebecca & Adam. We are also reminded that the detestable winners Freddy & Kendra have more money than us... James and the Giant Peach for the Orange Savings Bank... You can fit your whole house in a Mercedes... A news promo for CSI: The University.
Ho-hum. Japanese airport counter. No tickee, no boardee. Awready crowsed. What's dat, producer-san? Okay, we open prane now. Wecome aboard, Janet Jacki-san. Yes, Some Other Team That Has Had Absolutely No Impact On The Show Whatsoever gets on the same plane with the Hippies. And yes, they both arrive in Taipei in time for the connecting flight with the Frat Boys. Welcome aboard Bunch Airlines, folks!
Phil intones, "All teams are now flying to Anchorage, Alaska." We get the cute little map with a single animated line. Teams arrive to find it is both cold and snowing in Alaska. Somehow BJ, who had no shoes and pants, Some Other Team(etc.) which had no money, and the Frats all acquire parkas and boots.
When they get to their cars they find instructions sending them to Mirror Lake. They all get the exact same directions from the exact same toll booth operator, "stay straight on this road until you get there."
One team gets lost. Twice. Can you guess which team?
The Frat Boys pass The Hippies on the highway, assuring a vital 14-second time advantage. The envelope at Mirror Lake announces a detour. Drill It or Deliver It. One involves tediously cutting holes through the ice with an auger and setting up an ice fishing shanty. The other involves flying 150 miles over scenic Alaska to deliver first aid supplies, and then flying back. Of course, the Frats choose to drill. The Hippies chose the plane, but ha-ha you hippies. We can’t fly in the snow. Go drill. And the idiot Frat Boys taunt our heroic Hippies for being copycats.
Did I mention tedious? Ten holes takes a long time. Eric and Jeremy, who’ve spent their lives drilling things cold and unresponsive, finish first. The next instructions send them to Kincaid Park, where they have to put on snowshoes and trek along a trail to the next cloobox. Hippies finish and leave just as Ray and Yolanda arrive and begin to drill. Ray, a native of Florida, complains about the cold. Through the miracle of editing, they drill their holes in seconds and race off to the next task. Ray predicts they’ll catch up at the airport. Duh. Overheard at the task: Fisherman to Yolanda, “let me check your holes.”Frats arrive at Kincaid Park and find the snowshoes along the wall in front of the chalet. Hippies search all over for the snowshoes, nearly tripping over them twice. Silly, silly Hippies.
COMMERCIALS
X-Men: The Last Stand (unless we make money and then we’ll make more movies)… Ford will help you terrorize your daughter… Announcing birth control pills that shorten menstrual periods. Now there’s a dilemma for Rev. Wildmon… Meglomaniacal millionaire bankers sneer at common Americans here in George W. Bush's Amurrica… Promos for CSI, and for that unbelieveable show where Rob Morron is supposed to be an FBI agent. This time his genius brother calculates up some serial-sexual-thrill-killer and both Judd Hirsch (gunshot) and Rob Morron (injection in the neck) are imperiled. Welcome to sweeps, where desperate producers need to boost their Numbers.
Back to the action. The Hippies eventually find the snowshoes in front of their faces. Undeterred, they put them on and skip along the trail. Frats find the cloobox first, and the instructions send them to the final city: Denver. They must drive to Clear Creek History Park in nearby Golden, Colorado and search the place for another envelope. The Frat Boys head back to the chalet and catch a cab for the airport. The Hippies are shown wandering around the Kincaid Park trails. Eventually they find the cloobox, return the invisible snowshoes and catch a cab to the airport. (Dusk falls. Some Other Team arrives. No one cares.)The Frat Boys book seats on a Frontier Airlines flight at 11:10 p.m. The Hippies book seats on a Frontier Airlines flight at 11:10 p.m. Both teams taunt each other in the airport. Some Other Team That Has Had Absolutely No Impact On The Show Whatsoever arrives ... and books seats on a Frontier Airlines flight at 11:10 p.m. Yawn.
All three teams scramble for cabs in Denver. The Frats arrive at the history park first and find their next instructions. This “clue” sends them back to Red Rocks Ampeetheater, where the race began, where there is one more cloobox of instructions. Hippies arrive at the history park as the Frats are leaving, and find the hidden envelope. Some Other Team That Has Had Absolutely No Impact On The Show Whatsoever arrives as the Hippies are leaving, and wander aimlessly, unable to find the hidden envelope.
It’s a series tradition: The Amazing Cab Race to The Finish Line. We see lots of intercut shots of the two leading teams peering out the window, worrying and hurling hexes.
COMMERCIALS
Gnome. Honda. Air Freshener. T-Mobile. Vibrating crotch razors. McDonald’s Asians. CSI: A Very Special Episode.
Enough with that shit. Back to the show. Frats are first to retrieve the envelope at Red Rocks. It's one final Roadblock. One team member has to run into a field full of 285 flags of various nations, collect the flags from the nine foreign countries they’ve visited on the race, and assemble them, in order, at hidden work stations. Teammates can provide advice, but no physical help. Each work station has a chart with unidentified flags, but the chart includes three incorrect flags. When they’ve completed the lineup of flags, they can run to the finish line.
Jeremy says Eric has the brains of the group. This was determined using electron microscopes. Eric sets off to collect flags. Despite all odds, he correctly places Brazil in the first slot and Japan in the last.
The Hippies draw near, and Tyler says he can smell Phil lurking in the shadows. Perhaps Phil is lactating again. The Heroic Hippies collect the clue, and agree BJ will do the task. Eric brings back a third flag, and puts it in the wrong position. Jeremy begins worrying, pointing out that Eric is a college dropout while BJ and Tyler went to Harvard and Stanford.
Sounds simple. Yet with all those brains, neither BJ or Tyler recognize the Russian flag. Note to Harvard graduates: The Soviet Union broke up. No more hammer and sickle, you pointy headed dweebs.Meanwhile, Ray and Yolanda are.. Eh, who cares.
Eric and BJ continue to collect flags, and continue to put them in the wrong order. Eric is completely wrong about the order from early in the race. BJ actually has them all in the correct order, but jumped past Russia. Eric now has all the flags, but in the wrong order. Eric shuffles his flags, and is incorrect again. Eric shuffles his flags and is incorrect again.
Eric shuffles his flags and is incorrect again. BJ and Tyler finally identify the Russian flag on their helpful chart, and he races out to retrieve it. Eric is just one swap from completing the task. BJ begins moving the flags one slot to the left, Eric and Jeremy make one final incorrect swap. BJ finishes first and the Hippies sprint from the field, headed for the finish line. Frats kick the snow.Cut to the finish line, where Phil waits with the cadre of previously Philiminated bozos. The Hippies come around the corner and are greeted by as much wild applause as 16 people in gloves can generate.
Phil greets them with his usual aplomb. "Five continents, nine countries, more than 59,000 miles and at least one billion Gnome commercials... BJ and Tyler you are the official winners of The Amazing Race. And not that excruciating Family abomination.
Tears, hugs, cheers, brak brak brak. Life-changing... world's a beautiful place... adventure energy... If it is this successful to be hippies, we might as well stay hippies.
The Frat Boys arrive. One of the most competitive ever... grumble grumble... We didn't know the last one would be brains, dammit. We're college dropouts and we hoped to win so we could not work our crappy jobs. Back to waiting tables.
Some Other Team That Has Had Absolutely No Impact On The Show Whatsoever arrives just before Phil's mammaries succumb to frostbite. It seems they've skipped the flag task completely. Phil greets them, the crowd applauds tepidly. Someone shouts, "Get married." Yolanda fires back sharply, "Not today." Phil says there is love. Ray says there is love. Yolanda says there is tough love. In the end, there must be something... they got engaged on The Early Show this week.
It's time for pithy final words from the Hippies: Joy. Love. Peace.
Psst. Dood, did you pack the bong?
¶ 12:32 AM 4 Comments
Monday, May 08, 2006
Episode Ten: The Other One With The Easily Telegraphed Non-Elimination
Previously on The Amazing Race:
Something happened. Then, something else happened. Finally, something else happened.
Sorry
Previously on the Amazing Race, no one gave the hippies money besides Fran and Berry and Ray and Yo. Fran and Berry made a small, tiny, comment about their sex life that was completely lacking in detail and it was still more than most of America wanted to hear. As a result, there was much rejoicing when Fran and Berry were eliminated.
At least at my house.
Anyway, who will be eliminated tonight?
I already know the answer, of course. No one. No one is going home tonight. We’re at four teams left, there are three shows left, and there has to be an elimination the week before the two-hour final. No one is leaving tonight. No one.
By the way, you may be reading this before you read last week’s summary. It will depend on several factors. But if you are, please don’t worry and please don’t fret. Last week’s summary will be up soon.
Okay, let’s get this mother started! Eric and Jeremy were the first to arrive, so they are, appropriately enough, the first to depart. The clue tells them to go to Swan Bell Tower, fifteen miles away. There they will take a rifle and start shooting students. It’s the Charles Whitman challenge!
Sorry. Bad taste.
No, at the tower they will find their next clue. The teams all take off in order. MoJo say they heard that Tyler and BJ were going to Yield them for not giving them money. Tyler and BJ say that the word on their t-shirts is their power word. They then play with their action figures for a bit. Finally, Ray and Yo say they are learning and growing.
MoJo are the first ones to the tower. It is closed until morning, and they try to find a place to stay. A local approaches and asks Joseph how much for his woman. Monica laughs but Joe doesn’t find it very amusing. They decide to stay at the tower, the same choice Eric and Jeremy make when they arrive.
BJ and Tyler then arrive, followed by Ray and Yo. The latter hang out by themselves, proving they are the smartest team left in the race. Eric says Ray is on a short leash. Joseph says he is on a short leash. Eric says he doesn’t let Jeremy out of the house. BJ and Tyler note that Eric has been flirting with Monica, and decide to try to stir up trouble to create friction between Eric and Jeremy and Monica and Joseph. Eric helps their cause by telling Monica he wants her to talk dirty to him.
Nice guy that Eric.
Ray and Yo decide to call for a taxi. Tyler and BJ and Eric and Jeremy do as well. Jeremy uses a fake name when he requests the taxi. Eric then makes separate calls back, first as Tyler and then as Ray, to cancel their cab. It’s a Marianoesque move, though coming from Eric it seems far less cool than if Rob had done it.
When the tower opens, Tyler and BJ are the first up. They get a clue which instructs them that they have to fly to a crocodile farm, wade into a pool of crocodiles to get their next clue, come back down, and find no taxi for them. They try to take MoJo’s, but Joe stops them.
Ray and Yo come down and are also taxi-less. They call for another. Eric and Jeremy hit the street and find that their cab also didn’t arrive.
Karma. Ain’t she a bitch?
Eventually everyone gets a cab and is on their way to the airport.
MoJo are first to the airport. They ask the ticket agent to not tell anyone what route they are taking. The ticket agent asks he what it is worth. She says a million dollars, he says “Not to me”. Finally. A ticket agent saying on camera what we’ve always wanted to hear one say. Monica offers a kiss, but the agent isn’t interested. Joseph offers one as well, and the agent considers it, then says no. Tyler and BJ and Ray and Yo arrive and state that someone canceled their cabs. Tyler and BJ suspect MoJo, but they deny it. Instead they confront Eric and Jeremy when they arrive.
Everyone gets on the same flight to Darwin. The plane lands, the teams scramble, and they all arrive at the park in short order just to see the “Open at 9:00) sign. Mo complains about the bugs, prompting Eric to say the bugs are attracted to her. This prompts Tyler to say “Just like Eric”. Eric says he will tie meat around Joe so that the crocodiles attack him. At least I think that’s why he wants to put meat on Joe. It may have to do with the undercurrent of homosexuality in everything Eric does. We cut to a shot of Joe telling Mo he hates the hippies. Also the blacks, the Mexicans, the gays, and those damn wimmen libbers. Mo nods and fixes him a martini.
When the park open, everyone suits up. They are told a list of rules, basically all consisting of “remember, you are in the water with crocodiles”. BJ and Tyler get their clue first and make their way out of the water. The clue sends them to an airfield in Batchelor, Australia.
Insert your own Rose Ceremony joke here.
The clue also tells them that there is a Yield ahead!
MoJo are next to complete the task, and are able to pass BJ and Tyler on the road. Nonetheless, BJ and Tyler are able to outrun Mo and Jo and get to the Yield before they do. They choose to use the Yield on MoJo.
The clue shows that the task is a roadblock. One member of each team has to tandem skydive from a plane. Which is a lot tougher than tandem skydiving from a truck. Anyway, Monica is extremely pissed about being Yielded. She calls BJ and Tyler sleazebags.
Like she wouldn’t have Yielded them if she and Joseph had won the footrace.
Meanwhile, the other two teams arrive. Monica is still complaining, though by now it would be more of a surprise if she quit complaining. Eric chooses to jump for his team, Ray for his. BJ jumps and Tyler seems to enjoy the experience as much as BJ. This prompts Yo and Jeremy to talk about how unique BJ and Tyler are. It also prompts Jeremy to tell us that if Yo were single, she would be his. Oh yes. She would be his.
Dude is almost as deluded as Shane Powers.
BJ lands and he and Tyler get the clue. The clue sends them to the Magnetic Termite Mound of Rebound in Litchfield National Park. As they leave, Mo threatens to hit them. Joe calls her a brat, and the two fight until they finally realize the hour glass ran out. Mo chooses to do the roadblock.
Eric jumps and lands, Ray jumps and lands. Actually, Ray jumps and holds the person he is jumping with tighter than anything Ray has held in his life. He holds him so close he’s behind him. Both teams get their clues and take off.
Meanwhile, BJ and Tyler arrive at the Magnetic Termite Mound’s Coconut Bar. BJ and Tyler make termite jokes while they grab the clue. The task is a detour, and we all know the song by now, right? I don’t have to repeat it?
Sigh.
Okay.
A detour is a choice between two tasks
Between two tasks
Between two tasks
A detour is a choice between two tasks
Each with its own pros and cons
Our choices are Wet and Dry. In Wet, teams drive to another park and swim down a river filled with creepy crawlers until the find the next clue box. In Dry, teams drive to rock cropping, grab a didgeridoo, find the aborigine playing a didgeridoo with an emblem matching the emblem on their didgeridoo, then play a note. Each team member must play the note before they get the clue.
BJ and Tyler decide to do Wet, reasoning that it will be easier.
Right.
Monica finally jumps. They get the clue and take off, Monica still complaining about being Yielded.. Meanwhile, Eric and Jeremy have arrived. They also choose to do Wet. Ray and Yo get their and opt for Dry since Yo can’t swim.
We see shots of Tyler and BJ and Eric and Jeremy trekking through the water. Both teams start second-guessing their decision, saying it is taking longer than they thought. MoJo arrive, get the clue, and choose Dry. Cut to Ray and Yo. They found the didgeridoo player with a didgeridoo that matches theirs. They take turns getting brief lessons, and while it doesn’t sound pretty, they complete the task and take off. They pass MoJo on the way in as they leave.
Meanwhile, all sorts of mean and nasty things are looking in on Tyler and BJ and Eric and Jeremy. They finally can see the clue box in the distance, but it is still a ways away. MoJo have found their didgeridoo player, and Joseph goes first, quickly mastering it. Monica is next and has troubles until Joseph tells her how to blow.
You know, sometimes the joke is hanging out there on a tee waiting to be hit. Those are the times it pays most to resist.
Finally Tyler and BJ and Eric and Jeremy get their clue. They have trouble finding the pitstop location on a map, and drive aimlessly for a bit.
At the same time, Ray and Yo have arrived at the stop. Phil tells them they are in first, then tells them they each get a year lease on a Mercedes identical to the one they have been driving. Ray asks if it is truly identical or if it will be the American version of the vehicle. Phil assures him the steering wheel will be on the appropriate side.
Cut to the other teams finally making it to the highway. Eventually, all three teams are lined up one after another, Eric and Jeremy first, Tyler and BJ second, MoJo third. Or, since Ray and Yo have already checked in, Eric and Jeremy second, Tyler and BJ third, MoJo fourth.
Each team realizes the need for a footrace from the parking lot to the mat. As we saw when Ray and Yo arrived, the path to the mat crosses a little footbridge. The teams park, jumping out of their cars. Eric and Jeremy take a lead, with BJ hot after them. Next is Jo, then Tyler, with Mo bringing up the rear.
Which is a switch from how things usually go with Mo.
But I digress.
At this point, all they need to do is arrive in this order and MoJo will be elim. Ahh, I can’t even kid myself. All they need to do is arrive in this order and MoJo will get the non-elimination penalty. But for some reason, when they reach the footbridge, BJ decides to skip the bridge and try to cross through the water. Maybe he thought he could pass the Eric and Jeremy, but still. This gains him no time, but instead allows Jo AND Mo to pass him. They take turns stepping on the mat, then Phil has all three teams stand in front of him like some Reunification Church ceremony. Phil pronounces their finish on a team by team basis, pausing after telling BJ and Tyler they were last before letting loose with a “I’m happy to tell you that you have not been eliminated.” They are once again forced to turn over their possessions (other than the ones they are wearing) and their money. We see that BJ has lost one shoe, and it is hard to tell if it is an ominous warning that he will have to race with only one shoe (I can see Mo saying that “He wasn’t wearing the shoe when he stepped on the mat”) or just a cool camera shot. I imagine the shoe is in the water that he tried in vain to cross in a hurry. In confessional we see BJ and Tyler say that losing their possessions helps them metamorph into something better.
Next time on The Amazing Race: Monkeys! Sweet! Everything goes better with monkeys! ¶ 4:40 PM 1 Comments
Sunday, May 07, 2006
The Amazing Race 9: Episode Nine: In Which
Well here we are once again, me writing and you reading another one of our efforts here at CircleOf. Before I begin, though, I have to comment, or disclaim if you will, on what we all know to be the highlight, or lowlight of this particular episode—a frank and bare disclosure of Frankenberry’s sex-life, or lack thereof. Evidently, being on the Amazing Race has thrown some particularly nasty interruptus into their coitus. And since it’s been a while since the episode actually aired (completely my bad; life interfered for a bit), I’ve had a time to reflect on my feelings regarding the disturbing nature of this disclosure. Or more specifically, why I’m disturbed. It’s not that I’m against old people having sex.
(Well, except for one’s parents, as you might remember from a story I once told). (And I suppose this is especially true now, considering one of my parents is a corpse, but anyway). No, I’m just against them being so non-chalant and public about it. Especially public. I don’t want to see pictures of Hugh Hefner and his harem on his 80th birthday, I don’t want to see J Howard Marshall feeling up Anna Nicole, and I certainly don’t want to see Bob Dole in erectile dysfunction commercials.
But I get ahead of myself. Back to the show itself, and we’ll start with the previouslying. (Love that verb, btw, even if my using it comes with the price of having to © Landru. Back in my formative years, I was instructed not to verb nouns—probably at the same time I was taught to never split an infinitive—but since this involves nouning (or gerunding) an adverb, I’m gonna guess that Mrs. Krunk (she was my 7th grade English teacher; everyone wave at Mrs. Krunk, who might find this if she googles her name, unless she’s dead) won’t come after me all Freddy Kruger-like if I use it, right?)
So anyway, the previouslying. The story thus far: 5 teams. Greece, heading to Oman. Team Token getting testy. (And Frankenberry? not getting testes. See, this sort of thing just works into your subconscious and sticks there, leaving you no outlet but bad puns and subliminal references.) Ray cusses and Yomamma fusses. Everyone has to wade through the wadi.
Team Jermneric are surprised that the camel they must transport isn’t Joe, then decide to do some off-roading in the desert. Team Mojo is passed by Team Mofo (i.e. Frankenberry, ‘cept the Mo’ ain’t gettin’ much Fo at the moment—see, there it is again. *sigh*) on the way to the pit stop. BJ, squatting in the sun, can’t find squat in the sun, but his team avoids elimination because they are too entertaining to boot this is one of the pre-determined and damned (oops, sorry Yomamma; TOTALLY my bad) annoying non-elim legs. Phil: “Who will be eliminated next? And will Frankenberry ever get to have sex again?” Stay tuned, and cue the airplane/cloud thingy.
Commercials: You know, fast forwarding through these suckers produces some bizarre and disturbing mixtures. I think this one was about Catherine Zeta-Jones and Tom Selleck text-messaging the grass-drinking Bartles and James clones while taking their RV to dump the Travelocity gnome in the rainforest. Or something.
What did Jabreen me?
Back. Oh man, we’re staring in Oman at Jabreen Castle. BJ and Bear, as penalty for the non-elim, must continue the race without any money or worldly possessions. Yeah, that’ll hurt. Isn’t this sort of like forcing someone to go through life without their appendix? Or to make Jermneric give up their brains? Ray, his spine? Berry, his penis?
Phil wonders if Frankenberry will be able to maintain their lead. Berry muses that the other teams see them as real competitors now. They feel they’ve proven they have what it takes to finish this thing. This, in the first 20 seconds of the show, is enough to clue us in that these folks are buttered toast. (But Berry’s biscuit? not getting buttered)
Teams head to the airport, looking for a berth to Perth. Although this isn’t a scheduled detour, teams must choose to either leave money, or pretend to leave money in BJ and Bear’s car. Frankenberry choose to leave some. MoJo doesn’t want to give money to BJ; Mo would rather get money for a BJ.
They drive to Muscat, get stuck behind parade for King (directing traffic, left). After leaving some money for the hippies, Tokens say their arguing has gone from 1 –120 kilometers (kilometers? how unUhmercan of them). I of course would have gone for the simpler transportation metaphor to describe their relationship: trainwreck. They need to find the fun again in their relationship. Or, as T-Box would say, the funny. Very important in a relationship, the funny.
Jermneric give the hippies an IOU, once they figure out how to spell it. It’s a competition, they explain: just like getting into a girl’s pants, you gotta lie, cheat, steal. Or find someone stupid enough, like the Dani. (Let us pause a minute and remember the entertainment that was the Dani.) They think that even jackasses like them (not gonna lie; them’s their exact words) should be able to find the airport.
Everyone waits for King Caractacus to pass by. And his harem. And the fascinating witches, and the boys with the powder, etc. And if you actually GOT that, you must have attended the same lame camp as I growing up. My sincere sympathies.
Meanwhile, Team thirtysomething find the dough and vow revenge on the teams that left them with D’oh! They look forward to putting a few shrimp on the barbie. (Frankenberry? not getting the shrimp in the Barbie.)
Airport. And there is much parking, and milling, and ticket buying, and bunching. Back to the Hippies, and the hitchhiker they pick up along the way: Abdul the Bedouin. From the desert, in case you may have thought he was a Bedouin from England or something. (No joke: when my students read Oliver Twist one year, one of them kept referring to “that Arab Housekeeper.” I discreetly informed her that her NAME was MRS. Bedwin, not that she WAS a Bedouin. Yeah, that one was really paying attention as she listened to the movie.)
So anyway, Abdul. When he says he’s from the desert, BJ counters with “I’m from New Jersey.” (I’ll let our Estee-med readers from New Joisey insert any obvious jokes here.) BJ notes how much he, as an “American Bedouin,” has in common with Abdul, whoponies camels up for some traditional Bedouin food, Snickers and Fango juice, as they buy traditional Bedouin gas at the traditional Bedouin Kwik-E-Mart. They eschew the Muscat Love for some “Bedouin lovin,” or nose-kisses. (Frankenberry? Not getting some lovin’ in Bed-ouin—ok, I’ll stop now.)
Cut back to the Airport. And the bunching, and the boarding, and the stowing of backpacks, and the congratulating each other on the fact that Team thirtysomething will not make this flight. Just in case your irony meters are all turned off, they repeat the congratulating. No question about it. BJ and Bear will most definitely Not, under any circumstances, so help me Dog, one nation indivisible, forever and ever, Amen. Make. This. Flight.
Ok, so they make the flight. Sorry to give that away, I know you were all peeing your pants in suspense. But first, there is the matter of the traditional Bedouin commercials, after we find out that the T-mobile Play Hard, Get More team of week was BJ & Bear (Frankenberry? Not voted the Play More, Get Hard team. Ok, so I lied before about stopping. I’m in serious need of help, you all knew that. Anyway, commercials, again on fast-forward:)
Wes Anderson directs some saccharine Disney animals as they order Denny’s supreme bowl breakfast on their cellphones while sitting on Martha Stewart garden patio furniture and stopping bullets with numb3rs. Or something.
Hostel Takeover
And we’re back. With the boarding, and the gloating, and the fuming, and the gnashing of teeth.
BJ and Bear work the cabin, begging for money and exclaiming their catchphrase, “T’Pau” or something like that. Teams land in Perth and head for the State War Memorial. Because if there’s one thing Aussies are known for, it’s their victories in war.
Jermneric arrive first and learn that they must head via ferry to Rottnest island, home of the famous Rott Ness monster. MoJo quickly follows and both retain their taxis for the ferry. Teams Token and thirtysomething decide to take a bus to the ferry, evidently not being aware that on this show, people who choose public transportation over a taxi end up getting screwed. Frankenberry, not looking to get screwed (oops, sorry), keep their taxi.
The 3 taxied teams arrive to find (what a surprise) that they’ve missed the last ferry of the day (not sure about the last fairy), so they head to a nearby hostel, where they’ll have to share rooms. “I get the bottom” exclaims one half of Jermneric (damn’d if I know which) to his hostel roommies, evidently forgetting about the lying and cheating foreplay. “Sweet!” mumbles Jo to Mo. Or maybe it was “Suite!”
Frankenberry gets the Pleasure Dome, and (not having read their Kubla Khan) wonder what that means, all the while bemoaning how much this race has ruined their sex-lives. And we all collectively bemoan how much that comment, and the images it conjures, has ruined ours. But you already know my thoughts on this matter. And I have to interject here that, having spent a part of my wayward youth backpacking across Europe, hostels are certainly NOT the place to find people inhibited about having sex. Just sayin, is all.
Barry's the one on the left, though his Stately Pleasure Dome is almost cropped out.
The bus teams find a nice discreet hotel where sex is allowed and uninhibited, and there was evening and there was morning a second day.
Ok. Ferry? boarded. Island? reached. Bikes? tandem. Destination? to the Lighthouse. Mrs. Ramsay? dead. (And that? has to be the pinnacle of obscure jokes. What can I say. I’m a bitter ex-grad student, and writing only feeds my aggression.) Various posturing by teams. Frankenberry compliment themselves on how fit they are for this task. They can feel this thing within their grasp. (Toast, I tells ya.) (And notice how I skipped the obvious joke about what ELSE has been in Berry’s grasp. My gift to you, fair readers.) After a couple of miles, Yomamma finally figures out that their bike isn’t a PushmePullu.
Detour. The real one this time. Sand? or Sea? Sand: teams get to drag some branches along a beach and slap them onto a pile. (Yes, folks, this task involves a beach slap.) Sea: Teams must retrieve two crayfish from traps, or dive trying.
Jermneric choose Sea, as do MoJo. Animosity continues between Hippies and MoJo, with the 4th reference to a possible Yield in 20 minutes. I swear, sometimes this show has all the subtlety of a jackhammer. Hippies, Frankenberry and Tokens choose Sand.
Somewhere between clue and beach, MoJo gets lost. We learn that Jo cannot drink water and listen to Mo bitch at the same time. And there is much yelling, and crying, and Jonathan’nVictorianing. Frats think they look amazing in their Speedos, despite the obvious shrinkage. Oops, my bad doods, didn’t notice you hadn’t entered the water yet.
thirtysomethings are dragging, joined by Frankenberry. Actual dialogue from this segment:
Fran: Ooooooh. It’s so hard!
Barry: Way to go, babe!
Barry: I’ll just drop my load here, while you head back.
Never thought I’d say this, but I guess these people do need to get laid. And soon.
Frats get their fish, shut their traps and head toward Freemantle prison, where, unfortunately, the only thing arrested will be their development. MoJo arrives at the beach, and our hopes rise (not code) that we’ll get to see another bikini shot of Mo. Alas, no, it’s a modest one-piecer, leaving us to merely ponder what might-have-been. Which is as good of an excuse as any to show this again:
BJ and Bear do great with brush thing (they brush with greatness?) and finish 2nd. MoJo get one fish. Unfortunately, hungry Aussie tells them they need two fish, then red fish, then blue fish. No soup for him, yet. Frankenberry finish, and Mo has an Annie Hall moment. She exercises her Dog-given Consitutional right to be scared of an underwater creepy crawlie, as we head to:
CSI, on the case to determine why Johnny Damon, after finishing his OreIda fries and whitening with Listerine, drove Jennifer Lovesher Hewitts in his Kia Sportage into a Wal-Mart, staffed by gnomes. Or something
Are you Jailin'?
And we’re back. MoJo done with fishing thing, Tokens done with brush thang, and everyone’s back on the bikes. Jermneric board thefairy ferry (ya know, Freud would have a field day with this show) back to Freemantle just before it leaves. Hippies discover next departing ferry goes to Hillarys, not Bills, er Freemantle; they decide to board and taxi from there, to get a jump on other teams. Frankenberry order taxi via phone, which ultimately will not come. (… . . . . . .). Nice shot of Mo’s legs on the tandem: you know, she might be half crazy, but she sure does look sweet on the seat of a bicycle built for two. (Now just try and get that song out of your head. Just try.) (And, for a bit of not totally unrelated trivia, I’ve actually met Doug Rain, who was the voice of HAL. I’ll give you a minute while you follow that random connection.) Last three teams all bunched on 2nd ferry to Freemantle.
Jermneric hoof it to prison. MoJo orders a taxi. thirtysomethings start riding from Hillarys, get stuck in traffic. Franknberry can’t get a ride. (again: ... . . . . . .) Faux suspense as we head to:
CSI again, this time after Ethyl and Julius, who ruin a wedding by spreading squeezable mayonnaise on Sara Evans while she eats KFC, all captured on a Duracelled penguincam. Or something.
Back to the Roadblock, which as we all know, only one team member can perform: search for cell containing a flashlight and Duracells. (The ‘Cell in the cell? You know, for product placement, even that’s pretty bad.) Then boat or hike through underground tunnels to find clue.
As the teams arrive there is much searching, and whining, and whistleassing. Jermneric (whichever one is searching) can’t find Division 4, division evidently not being his thing.
Also, not having the flashlight yet, his bulb isn’t burning that brightly, either, since it takes him a while to think of actually looking inside the prison. He finds the light, then searches for the end of the tunnel. Some choice dialogue:
Jermneric #1: Maybe this outhouse leads to the tunnel thingy. Let me just climb down into its basement and take a look.
Jermneric #2: Good thing we have a lead, because my partner is a dumbass.
Jermneric #1: None of these doors even has a key hole. You know that I can’t get entry if I can’t find the hole, right? (Again, I choose to eschew the Frankenberry joke. You’re welcome.)
He continues to struggle, maybe because he’s missing a key piece of the prison map he cryptically tattooed on his chest before his incarceration.
MoJo arrives, then BJ and Bear. Mo reminds Jo to use his finely honed reading skills on the clue. Tyler tries to cooperate with Jo, gets dissed. Jermneric finds tunnel, chooses wet route, but has so much fun paddling he misses every single clue, and returns to dry tunnels. Yomamma and Fran complete the set, so now everybody is in prison. Jermneric finds the clue, meets Jo on the way out. He tries to mislead Jo by telling him to canoe (thinking that it might be harder), but Jo foils this plan by remember to search for the clue as he paddles. Jermneric and MoJo now headed to pitstop: a breakwater rock outcropping about a mile away at the Freemantle Sailing Club. Jermneric, still in dumbass mode, decide to walk, while MoJo’s taxi is still waiting, with meter running.
Cue more faux suspense as we wonder which team will arrive first? It’s Jermneric by a couple of seconds. Phil tells them, in that horribly dubbed voiceover of his, that they’ve won a trip to some hotel and spa in Hong Kong.
There is much rejoicing; someone needs to tell them that a facial doesn’t mean what they think it means. MoJo? gets bupkis (right).
Yomamma and Fran find light, Tyler and Yomamma find tunnel, with Fran close behind. (Berry? not close to Fran’s behind. Bet you thought I’d forgotten my run-into-the-ground bit, didn’tcha.) Tyler? out. Yomamma? out. Fran? out, hoping she’s not in last place. Jackhammer, I tells ya.
More taxiing, and hurrying, and red-lighting, and T'Pauing, and man-boobing. More faux suspense. thirtysomethings greeted by Phil, then Tokens.
Fran convinces herself she’s not gonna cry, as she heads sobbing to the mat. Phil: “I’m sorry to tell you you’ve been eliminated:
But the good news is, you can now go back and have hot monkey sex to your hearts content.” Fran closes by saying that she sees old people holding hands and thinks, “that’ll be us in 30 years.” No, I actually think this will be you in 30 years.
After commercials ( Over the Hedge animals having Hot Monkey Sex with Catherine Zeta Jones, a Gorilla using Ask.com to find someone to have Hot Monkey sex with, and Cerie and Shane having Hot Monkey Sex on the next Survivor. Or something. Sorry, this Frankenberry thing has really gotten to me.) we get the “nexttimeonTARring,” but you don’t need that, since I’m egregiously late with this thing, and you can already read Dweeze's fine recap. Thanks for your patience, and as always, thanks for reading. ¶ 10:12 PM 0 Comments
Frankenberry Finally Get to Bump and Grind
by GothmogWell here we are once again, me writing and you reading another one of our efforts here at CircleOf. Before I begin, though, I have to comment, or disclaim if you will, on what we all know to be the highlight, or lowlight of this particular episode—a frank and bare disclosure of Frankenberry’s sex-life, or lack thereof. Evidently, being on the Amazing Race has thrown some particularly nasty interruptus into their coitus. And since it’s been a while since the episode actually aired (completely my bad; life interfered for a bit), I’ve had a time to reflect on my feelings regarding the disturbing nature of this disclosure. Or more specifically, why I’m disturbed. It’s not that I’m against old people having sex.
(Well, except for one’s parents, as you might remember from a story I once told). (And I suppose this is especially true now, considering one of my parents is a corpse, but anyway). No, I’m just against them being so non-chalant and public about it. Especially public. I don’t want to see pictures of Hugh Hefner and his harem on his 80th birthday, I don’t want to see J Howard Marshall feeling up Anna Nicole, and I certainly don’t want to see Bob Dole in erectile dysfunction commercials.But I get ahead of myself. Back to the show itself, and we’ll start with the previouslying. (Love that verb, btw, even if my using it comes with the price of having to © Landru. Back in my formative years, I was instructed not to verb nouns—probably at the same time I was taught to never split an infinitive—but since this involves nouning (or gerunding) an adverb, I’m gonna guess that Mrs. Krunk (she was my 7th grade English teacher; everyone wave at Mrs. Krunk, who might find this if she googles her name, unless she’s dead) won’t come after me all Freddy Kruger-like if I use it, right?)
So anyway, the previouslying. The story thus far: 5 teams. Greece, heading to Oman. Team Token getting testy. (And Frankenberry? not getting testes. See, this sort of thing just works into your subconscious and sticks there, leaving you no outlet but bad puns and subliminal references.) Ray cusses and Yomamma fusses. Everyone has to wade through the wadi.
Team Jermneric are surprised that the camel they must transport isn’t Joe, then decide to do some off-roading in the desert. Team Mojo is passed by Team Mofo (i.e. Frankenberry, ‘cept the Mo’ ain’t gettin’ much Fo at the moment—see, there it is again. *sigh*) on the way to the pit stop. BJ, squatting in the sun, can’t find squat in the sun, but his team avoids elimination because Commercials: You know, fast forwarding through these suckers produces some bizarre and disturbing mixtures. I think this one was about Catherine Zeta-Jones and Tom Selleck text-messaging the grass-drinking Bartles and James clones while taking their RV to dump the Travelocity gnome in the rainforest. Or something.
What did Jabreen me?
Back. Oh man, we’re staring in Oman at Jabreen Castle. BJ and Bear, as penalty for the non-elim, must continue the race without any money or worldly possessions. Yeah, that’ll hurt. Isn’t this sort of like forcing someone to go through life without their appendix? Or to make Jermneric give up their brains? Ray, his spine? Berry, his penis?
Phil wonders if Frankenberry will be able to maintain their lead. Berry muses that the other teams see them as real competitors now. They feel they’ve proven they have what it takes to finish this thing. This, in the first 20 seconds of the show, is enough to clue us in that these folks are buttered toast. (But Berry’s biscuit? not getting buttered)
Teams head to the airport, looking for a berth to Perth. Although this isn’t a scheduled detour, teams must choose to either leave money, or pretend to leave money in BJ and Bear’s car. Frankenberry choose to leave some. MoJo doesn’t want to give money to BJ; Mo would rather get money for a BJ.
They drive to Muscat, get stuck behind parade for King (directing traffic, left). After leaving some money for the hippies, Tokens say their arguing has gone from 1 –120 kilometers (kilometers? how unUhmercan of them). I of course would have gone for the simpler transportation metaphor to describe their relationship: trainwreck. They need to find the fun again in their relationship. Or, as T-Box would say, the funny. Very important in a relationship, the funny.
Jermneric give the hippies an IOU, once they figure out how to spell it. It’s a competition, they explain: just like getting into a girl’s pants, you gotta lie, cheat, steal. Or find someone stupid enough, like the Dani. (Let us pause a minute and remember the entertainment that was the Dani.) They think that even jackasses like them (not gonna lie; them’s their exact words) should be able to find the airport.Everyone waits for King Caractacus to pass by. And his harem. And the fascinating witches, and the boys with the powder, etc. And if you actually GOT that, you must have attended the same lame camp as I growing up. My sincere sympathies.
Meanwhile, Team thirtysomething find the dough and vow revenge on the teams that left them with D’oh! They look forward to putting a few shrimp on the barbie. (Frankenberry? not getting the shrimp in the Barbie.)Airport. And there is much parking, and milling, and ticket buying, and bunching. Back to the Hippies, and the hitchhiker they pick up along the way: Abdul the Bedouin. From the desert, in case you may have thought he was a Bedouin from England or something. (No joke: when my students read Oliver Twist one year, one of them kept referring to “that Arab Housekeeper.” I discreetly informed her that her NAME was MRS. Bedwin, not that she WAS a Bedouin. Yeah, that one was really paying attention as she listened to the movie.)
So anyway, Abdul. When he says he’s from the desert, BJ counters with “I’m from New Jersey.” (I’ll let our Estee-med readers from New Joisey insert any obvious jokes here.) BJ notes how much he, as an “American Bedouin,” has in common with Abdul, who
Cut back to the Airport. And the bunching, and the boarding, and the stowing of backpacks, and the congratulating each other on the fact that Team thirtysomething will not make this flight. Just in case your irony meters are all turned off, they repeat the congratulating. No question about it. BJ and Bear will most definitely Not, under any circumstances, so help me Dog, one nation indivisible, forever and ever, Amen. Make. This. Flight.
Ok, so they make the flight. Sorry to give that away, I know you were all peeing your pants in suspense. But first, there is the matter of the traditional Bedouin commercials, after we find out that the T-mobile Play Hard, Get More team of week was BJ & Bear (Frankenberry? Not voted the Play More, Get Hard team. Ok, so I lied before about stopping. I’m in serious need of help, you all knew that. Anyway, commercials, again on fast-forward:)
Wes Anderson directs some saccharine Disney animals as they order Denny’s supreme bowl breakfast on their cellphones while sitting on Martha Stewart garden patio furniture and stopping bullets with numb3rs. Or something.
Hostel Takeover
And we’re back. With the boarding, and the gloating, and the fuming, and the gnashing of teeth.
BJ and Bear work the cabin, begging for money and exclaiming their catchphrase, “T’Pau” or something like that. Teams land in Perth and head for the State War Memorial. Because if there’s one thing Aussies are known for, it’s their victories in war.Jermneric arrive first and learn that they must head via ferry to Rottnest island, home of the famous Rott Ness monster. MoJo quickly follows and both retain their taxis for the ferry. Teams Token and thirtysomething decide to take a bus to the ferry, evidently not being aware that on this show, people who choose public transportation over a taxi end up getting screwed. Frankenberry, not looking to get screwed (oops, sorry), keep their taxi.
The 3 taxied teams arrive to find (what a surprise) that they’ve missed the last ferry of the day (not sure about the last fairy), so they head to a nearby hostel, where they’ll have to share rooms. “I get the bottom” exclaims one half of Jermneric (damn’d if I know which) to his hostel roommies, evidently forgetting about the lying and cheating foreplay. “Sweet!” mumbles Jo to Mo. Or maybe it was “Suite!”
Frankenberry gets the Pleasure Dome, and (not having read their Kubla Khan) wonder what that means, all the while bemoaning how much this race has ruined their sex-lives. And we all collectively bemoan how much that comment, and the images it conjures, has ruined ours. But you already know my thoughts on this matter. And I have to interject here that, having spent a part of my wayward youth backpacking across Europe, hostels are certainly NOT the place to find people inhibited about having sex. Just sayin, is all.
Barry's the one on the left, though his Stately Pleasure Dome is almost cropped out.
The bus teams find a nice discreet hotel where sex is allowed and uninhibited, and there was evening and there was morning a second day.
Ok. Ferry? boarded. Island? reached. Bikes? tandem. Destination? to the Lighthouse. Mrs. Ramsay? dead. (And that? has to be the pinnacle of obscure jokes. What can I say. I’m a bitter ex-grad student, and writing only feeds my aggression.) Various posturing by teams. Frankenberry compliment themselves on how fit they are for this task. They can feel this thing within their grasp. (Toast, I tells ya.) (And notice how I skipped the obvious joke about what ELSE has been in Berry’s grasp. My gift to you, fair readers.) After a couple of miles, Yomamma finally figures out that their bike isn’t a PushmePullu.
Detour. The real one this time. Sand? or Sea? Sand: teams get to drag some branches along a beach and slap them onto a pile. (Yes, folks, this task involves a beach slap.) Sea: Teams must retrieve two crayfish from traps, or dive trying.
Jermneric choose Sea, as do MoJo. Animosity continues between Hippies and MoJo, with the 4th reference to a possible Yield in 20 minutes. I swear, sometimes this show has all the subtlety of a jackhammer. Hippies, Frankenberry and Tokens choose Sand.
Somewhere between clue and beach, MoJo gets lost. We learn that Jo cannot drink water and listen to Mo bitch at the same time. And there is much yelling, and crying, and Jonathan’nVictorianing. Frats think they look amazing in their Speedos, despite the obvious shrinkage. Oops, my bad doods, didn’t notice you hadn’t entered the water yet.
thirtysomethings are dragging, joined by Frankenberry. Actual dialogue from this segment:
Fran: Ooooooh. It’s so hard!
Barry: Way to go, babe!
Barry: I’ll just drop my load here, while you head back.
Never thought I’d say this, but I guess these people do need to get laid. And soon.
Frats get their fish, shut their traps and head toward Freemantle prison, where, unfortunately, the only thing arrested will be their development. MoJo arrives at the beach, and our hopes rise (not code) that we’ll get to see another bikini shot of Mo. Alas, no, it’s a modest one-piecer, leaving us to merely ponder what might-have-been. Which is as good of an excuse as any to show this again:
BJ and Bear do great with brush thing (they brush with greatness?) and finish 2nd. MoJo get one fish. Unfortunately, hungry Aussie tells them they need two fish, then red fish, then blue fish. No soup for him, yet. Frankenberry finish, and Mo has an Annie Hall moment. She exercises her Dog-given Consitutional right to be scared of an underwater creepy crawlie, as we head to:
CSI, on the case to determine why Johnny Damon, after finishing his OreIda fries and whitening with Listerine, drove Jennifer Lovesher Hewitts in his Kia Sportage into a Wal-Mart, staffed by gnomes. Or something
Are you Jailin'?
And we’re back. MoJo done with fishing thing, Tokens done with brush thang, and everyone’s back on the bikes. Jermneric board the
Jermneric hoof it to prison. MoJo orders a taxi. thirtysomethings start riding from Hillarys, get stuck in traffic. Franknberry can’t get a ride. (again: ... . . . . . .) Faux suspense as we head to:
CSI again, this time after Ethyl and Julius, who ruin a wedding by spreading squeezable mayonnaise on Sara Evans while she eats KFC, all captured on a Duracelled penguincam. Or something.
Back to the Roadblock, which as we all know, only one team member can perform: search for cell containing a flashlight and Duracells. (The ‘Cell in the cell? You know, for product placement, even that’s pretty bad.) Then boat or hike through underground tunnels to find clue.
As the teams arrive there is much searching, and whining, and whistleassing. Jermneric (whichever one is searching) can’t find Division 4, division evidently not being his thing.
Also, not having the flashlight yet, his bulb isn’t burning that brightly, either, since it takes him a while to think of actually looking inside the prison. He finds the light, then searches for the end of the tunnel. Some choice dialogue:
Jermneric #1: Maybe this outhouse leads to the tunnel thingy. Let me just climb down into its basement and take a look.Jermneric #2: Good thing we have a lead, because my partner is a dumbass.
Jermneric #1: None of these doors even has a key hole. You know that I can’t get entry if I can’t find the hole, right? (Again, I choose to eschew the Frankenberry joke. You’re welcome.)
He continues to struggle, maybe because he’s missing a key piece of the prison map he cryptically tattooed on his chest before his incarceration.
MoJo arrives, then BJ and Bear. Mo reminds Jo to use his finely honed reading skills on the clue. Tyler tries to cooperate with Jo, gets dissed. Jermneric finds tunnel, chooses wet route, but has so much fun paddling he misses every single clue, and returns to dry tunnels. Yomamma and Fran complete the set, so now everybody is in prison. Jermneric finds the clue, meets Jo on the way out. He tries to mislead Jo by telling him to canoe (thinking that it might be harder), but Jo foils this plan by remember to search for the clue as he paddles. Jermneric and MoJo now headed to pitstop: a breakwater rock outcropping about a mile away at the Freemantle Sailing Club. Jermneric, still in dumbass mode, decide to walk, while MoJo’s taxi is still waiting, with meter running.
Cue more faux suspense as we wonder which team will arrive first? It’s Jermneric by a couple of seconds. Phil tells them, in that horribly dubbed voiceover of his, that they’ve won a trip to some hotel and spa in Hong Kong.
There is much rejoicing; someone needs to tell them that a facial doesn’t mean what they think it means. MoJo? gets bupkis (right).Yomamma and Fran find light, Tyler and Yomamma find tunnel, with Fran close behind. (Berry? not close to Fran’s behind. Bet you thought I’d forgotten my run-into-the-ground bit, didn’tcha.) Tyler? out. Yomamma? out. Fran? out, hoping she’s not in last place. Jackhammer, I tells ya.
More taxiing, and hurrying, and red-lighting, and T'Pauing, and man-boobing. More faux suspense. thirtysomethings greeted by Phil, then Tokens.
Fran convinces herself she’s not gonna cry, as she heads sobbing to the mat. Phil: “I’m sorry to tell you you’ve been eliminated:
But the good news is, you can now go back and have hot monkey sex to your hearts content.” Fran closes by saying that she sees old people holding hands and thinks, “that’ll be us in 30 years.” No, I actually think this will be you in 30 years.After commercials ( Over the Hedge animals having Hot Monkey Sex with Catherine Zeta Jones, a Gorilla using Ask.com to find someone to have Hot Monkey sex with, and Cerie and Shane having Hot Monkey Sex on the next Survivor. Or something. Sorry, this Frankenberry thing has really gotten to me.) we get the “nexttimeonTARring,” but you don’t need that, since I’m egregiously late with this thing, and you can already read Dweeze's fine recap. Thanks for your patience, and as always, thanks for reading. ¶ 10:12 PM 0 Comments
