Let me start with the essentials of life here. Sunday is for football. Sunday has been for football since before I could walk. And this season we have the advent of Sunday Night Football. At 8PM. So what in the bloody blue blazes is The Amazing Race doing on on Sunday night?

Not only is it on on Sunday night but I can't tell what damn time it is going to be on because all of the schedule gets shifted depending on when the football game ends. And my Comcast provided fake-Tivo will record the scheduled time, not the actual time of a show. Even if I am sitting there recording it manually. It just shuts the hell off when it thinks the show is supposed to be over.

So now we have gays and damn athiests on during The Children's Hour on a show that has long ago worn thin at an unpredictable time opposite a football game (Pittsburgh v San Diego I'll have you know) that I can't watch because I am dedicated to you, my public, who must not be forced to watch this increasingly dreadful POS yourself. I sometimes wish that I could be more like Heather

Tonight's episode, curiously enough, begins with a ticking stopwatch and an ancient curmudgeon babbling on about knowing the capitals of 48 states and some other blather that I can't bear to watch. Sorry but you're on your own here. Do you think that one day Andy Rooney will die on-air? Or that he and Charlie Daniels have a thing going and that he'll outlast us all? Creepily enough, he is followed by a

• AOL is now the bastion of safety on the internet. You need them. They have a dorky guy wearing a dreadful brown jacket, so he must be useful.
• Triaminic cough syrup which is evidently for unartfully created paper cutout wolf children on Hallowe’en. Perhaps they are werewolves and need to suppress their coughs better to approach prey. Although it says “The medicine of motherhood.” Perhaps the werewolves are trying to infiltrate our hearts by advertising their sweetness and maternal instinct.
• Scummy fake poker players, a mechanic, and geek boys for Wendy’s who has apparently decided to make a play for the unbathed male population.
• Chase has some bonus if you use their card as if you don’t pay for it.
• NCIS, Another Boring Episode.

We begin in the rice patty outside of Hanoi where we found the last pit stop. The Wins, Gay and Gayer, leave first. I can’t tell them apart but one of them is wearing a tee shirt that says “Let’s Hug It Out.” And you know I can’t make this stuff up.

They are going to Ly Tai To Gardens in Hanoi by taxi. Given that it is now 10:55 PM we strongly suspect that we will soon be witness to one of the traditional TAR devices that always seems to surprise the participants: Bunching. The camera takes us to Hanoi and through the gardens, softly lit with the red light that in the days of American warring indicated the presence of ladies who would love you long time but now reminds us all of the takeover by the Reds. Or perhaps it is just another wave of the evanescent scent of Robert McNamara.

I seem to have wandered a bit. Sorry. It is too close to election time.

No wonder I wandered. One of them is babbling about how they are Asian-Americans and have to represent well in the race because, you know, they are symbols of all Asian-Americans. It’s the one with the shirt. So they joke about going to Disneyland. Apparently they don’t realize that they have already failed miserably.

The models, who would be gay if they didn’t love themselves so much, make dong jokes in the taxi. Rob of Rob and Kimberly calls the cab driver “bro.” The Pageant Blondes are wearing pink caps. The Gimp and The Sadistic Control Freak (SCF) are next. Oh, I just can’t stand it. There’s nothing to watch except wave after wave of these dweebs getting a clue – literally of course. Nothing could cause a single one of them to get a mental clue. They get money. They get in cabs. They ride in the dark. And because there isn’t a damn thing to see we are ‘treated’ to a seemingly endless stream of confessionals. And damn, they do go on.

How many times are we going to hear about the Moms who Live For Their Children? And really, how much perky can one writer stand? Can anybody understand a word the Kentuckians are saying? Besides everybody knows that a coalminer with any ambition figures out a way to become a hockey player. How on earth did these two end up on TV? Could the producer understand a word they were saying? Wait, I think she said “couch potato” and “my foot.” Also, I know from personal experience that not every aging gay runs like a girl and cries at every opportunity.

Oh, the producers love stereotypes? Doh. But I thought Landru asked them to stop. They really ought to listen. He has Powers.

We were on the way to the gardens, weren’t we?

They get in cabs, get out of cabs, say “go go go” to cab drivers. A lot. They seem to all be wearing coal miner’s headgear with lights. Perhaps they will all turn into Kentucky before this race is over. They arrive at the gardens and are treated to an auditory clue that is half in English and half in what I presume is Vietnamese. A recording at the ghost of Robert McNamara statue tells them “Attention Racers. Take a taxi across the Red River to Ben Xe Gia Lam then Ben Xe Bai Chay then find the Hydrofoil Harbor.” At first I had a flash of an ancient John Wayne movie but then remembered that everyplace has a red river. It is the one that is full of mud. And Vietnam is no exception.

In the ensuing chaos there are pitiful failed attempts to reproduce the tone and syllabification of the recording. Why let's all make fun of our racers because they don't speak the language. The Moms and Kentucky are particularly wretched. Those who appear a bit more clueful take the taxi driver to the recording. Of course it is partially in English so that doesn't work so well. The daters -- well he is the worst drama queen I've ever seen. She keeps telling him 'Don't freak out Don't freak out." Shetucky tells the taxi driver of her love for him and practically giggles. Gaywin and Gayerwin keep representing. They're 'tailing' somebody but I don't think they mean what I might mean by 'tailing.'

And the daters are in some tragically annoying downward spiral. She yells and yells at him about not freaking out. Of course that creates such a calming atmosphere. He says -- again, I'm not making this up -- "He's just toying with us right now" while freaking out. He is sweating like a stuck pig. Why yes Dave. You've caught on to those wiley Asian taxi drivers. The get a victim in the taxi and, like a cat with a mouse, just toy away. It is all retaliation for the war that happened before the taxi driver was born.

I can't tell you how grateful I am for

• Excedrin is available someplace
• Cheerios are fruity. They look like Froot Loops.
  
• There is all this traffic in New York City colored in a golden-tinged semi- daguerreotype kind of picture. It is really quite attractive, although I think it is supposed to be a bit scary. Then the cars start floating and my head explodes. I force myself for the sake of all of you to study it. This takes a while because the floating car makes my neck snap my head in a direction not facing the television. After some experiments with mirrors (or, as that other wretched commercial says, murrrs) I find that GM now has a 100,000 mile warranty. Big whoop.
• Gold and black are clearly the colors of the evening. Golden and black colored things for Sprint and it's powerful network.
  
• A gold bouncing happy face and taped on numbers for Wal-Mart because they don't want you to think about what those low prices are actually costing you.
• Things blowing up for The Unit.
• CBS telling you how intensely they care about you by using autistic children.

The daters bail out of their taxi, find another and drag him back to hear the announcement. Whereupon he utters the single most ridiculous sentence I have ever heard on the Race, and I’ve heard many.

“I’m done talking with foreigners.”

I can’t quite bring myself to explain so I’ll just wait a minute while you think about this man in a taxi in Hanoi. Who is done talking with “foreigners.”

.

.

.

Ok, ready to proceed?

Mr. and Mrs. Coalminer say some stuff. Their taxi driver says some stuff. It is all indecipherable but they end up back at the announcement with the taxi driver. The Moms look despairing and lost, eventually ending back at the announcement with their driver.

Finally the Queens, Beauty find the Hydrofoil schedule followed closely by the other Queens inexplicably wearing matching orange shirts and Gaywin and Gayerwin. We seem to have an emerging theme. They can stop this matching clothes nonsense any time, but in my heart of hearts I suspect producer encouragement. Gimp and Perv (I could never improve on those names) arrive followed by the Moms. The Models are in there somewhere. This is one of those middle of the night things when we have no sense of time. Of course it really doesn’t matter because of the Bunching. The Daters arrive, she whining and he predicting the doom of civilization talking about the “worst taxi experience in the history of taxi driving.” He appears to be the greatest master of hyperbole in the history of hyperbole-masters. The Hillbillies get back on track and she struggles to plant a huge smooch on the taxi driver. Wiggle and squirm though he might, he can’t escape.

So they are in Full Bunch on a bus to Ha Long Bay. We are fortunate because sometime during the 100 mile bus trip the day has dawned and we are able to see what is a very beautiful country. They still need to find Hydrofoil Harbor.

Where they find a Roadblock. Y'know, Phil didn't explain what a Roadblock is. I'm so disappointed. Does he think we already know? That we hang on his every word? ? He does explains in his High Drama Voice that one team member must use mechanical ascenders to climb up the sheer face of a rock to receive their clue. First come first served for the three ascenders.

After some confusing footage of each of the teams (Bunched, remember?) grabbing clues and racing on foot along a breakwater to small boats with outboard motors. There is some bumping going down to the water’s edge. Tom and Jerry are first and Daters second at this point, although we all know that the position doesn’t matter at all. Shetucky’s leg hurts. The Queens, Beauty push ahead of the Moms who point out that the ensuing leg cut is what she deserved for cutting ahead. The boats race across the harbor, the Models whining about their crappy boat.

For all of Phil’s Danger Voice they are equipped and strapped and strapped and helmeted such that if anybody had a heart attack they’d probably just hang from their straps. Our major drama is provided by The Gimp who worriedly stares at the cliff and The Perv who keeps telling her how she will be ok. When she looks shaky he shouts that she should play her handicapped card to get the next ascender. While she is a sniveling overachiever, he really is a colossal perverted over controlling shit.

The Daters are down, heading for another boat trip a mile across the harbor to Sung Sot Cave. The clue is inside the cave. They are followed by the Hillbillies.

And we’re back to the rock face where we see helmets and hands and some photographer hoping to earn his chops so that he can find work on some Freddy movie. In spite of the high drama, most folks suck up the pain and get to the top eventually. I suspect heavy and fast editing behind the scenes. I also suspect in real life this took hours and was accented with endless boring whining. The Gimp is on her way up the hill, still sniveling about her metal appendage getting caught when we are relieved by another round of

• Brought to you by Wendy's All White Meat Chicken Sandwich
  
• Wendy's 99 cent Super Value Meal by all of those white guys who don't bathe
• Assorted floors for Lowe's
• Unattractive women backed up by a drum solo for Dove's shampoo and conditioner
• Gold Rush which seems to be a television show on CBS
• Doogie Houser and some other people that I wish didn't exist for two dreadful CBS shows
• 10 seconds of Survivor
• John Lithgow who was once a decent actor hawking wretched expensive canned soup
• Somebody with a british accent for a Mercedes. I think they are trying to be more like BMW
• Meat, meat, and more meat for Ruby Tuesday
• My Local News for My Local News

And the sniveling continues as The Perv lies back in the boat telling her she's doing a good job.

Meanwhile the frontrunners arrive at the cave and, unlike the sneakily constructed preview, have to get off of the boat and climb up a path constructed for tourists to the caves. This bay is populated with huge rock outcroppings apparently, in some cases, containing caves and this is one of those not so fascinating entities. The Daters arrive first at the clue; he can’t believe it. They find a Detour and once again Phil fails to explain what a detour is. I’m so disappointed. Btw, his breasts still look ginormous in the loose orange shirt. Wearing that silly necklace doesn’t distract the eye.

Meanwhile the Moms, the Models, the Queen, Beauty and the Gimp struggle up the cliff with coaching from their partners below. I thought male models had to work out but these two don’t seem to have a muscle between them.

The Detour consists of Over where they ride a junk to a marked buoy, then row a sampan to a supply boat, load provisions, row to a floating village – a cluster of boats on which folks work and live – and deliver the provisions to specific addresses. They then row back to the supply boat with the signed invoice which they trade for the next clue. Or Under where they ride a junk to a different marked buoy, row a sampan to a pearl farm marked with buoys lined up like curvy lane markers in a pool, choose a lane, and pull up (harvest) 30 pearl baskets into their boats, the deliver them to a pearl farmer who will give them a clue. There is no obvious advantage of one over the other at first glance.

Water, Water Everywhere

The Daters, of course, have no idea what a junk is. A JUNK IS A BOAT. Didn’t your parents read to you?

Scrambling back down from the cave they find boats. And signs that say “OVER” and “UNDER.” “Do you know how to row a boat?” “Did you ever row a boat?” “Please don’t yell at me.” Please stop your passive aggressive crap. You can’t out passive-aggressive each other so stop making us watch you try.

We are treated to seemingly endless bickering from The Daters. He hyperbolizes “We’re never getting out of this harbor.” No never. You’ll grow old there, stroking your beard and living off of fish. Don’t taunt me with the dream. You’ll only disappoint me later.

Tom and Jerry worry about having to row but settle in on deck chairs. Hetucky admits that he is ascairt of deep water, punctuated by a plumber’s asscrack. I find that over time I am able to decipher a word or two, but comprehending Spanish is easier. I got her saying “When you become my boss you can tell me what to do.” One gets the feeling that she has said that more than, say, 10,000 times. The Daters try to figure out how to row. He says things like “up, down, up, down.” He may have said that more than once. I’d like to share more of their incessant bickering but it gives me a shooting pain in the center of my skull. They have picked “Under” and eventually begin to pull up baskets of pearls.

Tom and Jerry try to figure out how to row. Hetucky manages to row with Shetucky shrieking at him. Tom and Jerry try to figure out how to row. Gaywin and Gayerwin row a bit. Gimp jabbers while Perv rows. The Moms don’t know how to row. The Queens, Beauty try to row from a standing position. Tom and Jerry have figured out how to row and went to the wrong place. I don’t know how they figured out that they were in the wrong place, but I’ll take their word for it. By the way Ha Long Bay is just beautiful with dottings of craggy rocks rising from the deep green water. I would be a lovely place to visit. But we can’t because we have snuck up to

• We are supposed to vote for the most irritating partner, from Sprint who apparently don't realize that it would be impossible to decide.
  
• More gold and black from Sprint.
• Cartoony people for the "Over The Hedge" DVD. I'm supposed to care if I am the first to own it.
• A dog gargling for Kibbles 'n Bits
• Pseudo-hip folks for playing Monopoly at McDonalds
• Some chick talking to herself about birth control pills. I can't imagine how chicks who talk to themselves need birth control pills.
• AOL annoying me again.
• CBS couldn't sell all of the advertising time so they're trying to get me to watch Cold Case Files and CSI: Miami with that horrid horrid horrid David Caruso. Just typing his name creeps me out.

Still they struggle on the water. The Daters bicker, Tom and Jerry snivel, the Models pull up pearl baskets, the Moms get to the supply boat. At least they are pleased when things work out or when they accomplish something.

The Daters get to the next clue apparently first although how can one tell? They have to row their sampans back to their junks and take their junks nine miles to Soi Sim Island where they will find Phil and the next pit stop where one of the teams “may be eliminated.” I’m guessing will be eliminated, but I wouldn’t want to spoil it for you.

Of course I’d rather tell you that than tell you about more bickering.

Gimp and Perv start pulling up pearl baskets, but he fails to notice that he is in a boat and manages tilt it over enough to flood it. Tom and Jerry, apparently having found where they belong, run their boat into the Perv who throws a temper tantrum. Gaywin and Gayerwin, Perv/Gimp, and the Models finish getting the pearl baskets; one of the indistinguishable two tells the other that “You are just a muscle man today.”

And with this single sentence I am reminded why I watch this show. No amount of fiction reading, hanging with my friends, or social science research would ever convince me that people in real life would actually say things like this. And if I happened to overhear it I would bust out laughing in one of those fits that make your eyes burn and coffee fly out of your nose.

The Daters arrive at the pit stop first. They win a jet ski each, just the thing for folks who are always over the top anyway. Phil, who apparently is trying to channel Jeffy, slyly asks them if they are being nice to each other. I cannot bear to listen to the answer.

Back to the sampans, struggle ensues all around. The Moms are struggling to row against the wind. Many teams get to the next clue. Arriving at the junk Perv jumps right up into the boat. Gimp with more than a little panic in her voice says “Peter please don’t leave me here.” This shows prescience that I didn’t realize she had. This is followed by a confessional where she finds that she isn’t always comfortable with the Perv’s temperament or his treatment toward her. You go girl! Oh, and she thinks he is a pussy.

Tom and Jerry pull up pearl baskets near the Queens, Beauty. And I am unable to resist my continuing impulse to to show you a Tom and Jerry pic. And the Models discover that their junk is moving slowly because the anchor is still down ????

¶ 10:05 PM