Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Episode Five: At Least It Wasn't Stingrays
Previously on The Amazing Race:
Tom (or was it Terry?) uttered the phrase “Pick up your Vietnamese dong” and I was giggling like a third grade boy when one of his friends farts. We had a rock-climbing roadblock, and Sarah – who did such a magnificent job the first time she had to scale something using just a rope, her arm, and her prosthesis – chose to do this rope-climbing endeavor as well, with the same results as last time, and dear Lord Sarah, if you can’t remember how painfully you struggled doing the exact same challenge not more than five days ago in real time, you deserve the Aryan control freak who is your race partner. Finally, proving what I said in the last summary I wrote, when push came to shove Dustin and Kandice were much better equipped to perform a grueling physical task than Tom and Terry, resulting in Tom and Terry’s elimination.
Who’ll be eliminated tonight? Actually, more likely who won’t be eliminated tonight? I mean, we’re down to seven teams with presumably eight episodes left. You need three for the final, four for the next to final. That means three non-eliminations need to be worked in here someplace, making tonight the most likely place for them to start. Whether it will be an old style non-elimination (which I hate) or an extended leg (which I love) is yet to be seen.
See the thing is, as I write this, I don’t know the outcome of the episode. This intro bit? I’m writing this on Tuesday, well before the show even airs. I already know what happened previously on The Amazing Race, cause it just happened. I don’t give a (corpse) fuck what CBS tells us happened previously when they tell us next Sunday night. I know what I want to mention, and the hell with CBS. Course, I can’t write anything else until the show airs, but at least I have my opening.
Oh, wait. I can write something else, and I need to do so because Tom and Terry are gone. Is it me, or has the obligatory gay couple gotten more flaming as TAR seasons pass? I mean, Team Guido were far from the butchest pair of guys ever to cross a TV screen, but they were Clint Eastwood and Bruce Willis compared to Tom and Terry. At this rate, by the time we get to TAR 15, the obligatory gay couple will be dressed like Guy Pearce and Terence Stamp in Priscilla, Queen of the Desert. (Or, for those of you who are Australian movie challenged, like John Leguizamo and Patrick Swayze in To Wong Foo Thanks For Everything, Julie Newmar.)
But I digress.
Rob and Kimberly are the first to leave. Their clue tells them they will be flying to Chennai, India where they will be welcomed as liberators until they shoot someone in the face. They need to first take a train to Hanoi, then, due to Vietnamese laws which require tickets to be sold only in travel agencies, find a travel agency to buy tickets. In confessional Rob tells us that the race is an interview for him and Kimberly to see if they want a life together. Personally, I’d give them life separately, with no possibility of parole, but that’s probably just me. He adds that the two of them need to learn how to chill. The sad truth is that they will never learn how to chill, they will get married, they will breed, and their child will be the kid who always has to win at whatever he does. I hate that child already.
Next out are Peter and Sarah. Sarah tells us she no longer holds Peter on a pedestal. As much as I’d like to congratulate her for that, my main impulse is to ask why the hell she ever put him on one in the first place. I would hate to think that it’s simply a matter of, when you’re an amputee, you’re happy for any attention. But maybe it is. I don’t know. I do know that asshole is Peter’s default mode, and it shouldn’t have taken the race to show Sarah that fact.
Next out are Tyler and James. One of them – and does it really matter which one? – says that one of the keys to the race is being able to deal with things beyond one’s control, and adds that, due to their former addictions, they are used to dealing with things beyond their control.
After the models are Erwin and Godwin. They’ve got cool shirts with the word LOST on them. There also appears to be a picture of Phil on the shirts and a reward for finding him. As they turn, we see that the back of the shirts say “Vote 4 Cho.” You know, I would vote for Margaret Cho for anything. They tell us that they are in the race for the adventure, not the money.
Not so for David and Mary, the next team out. David tells us he wants to win so he can quit working in a coal mine, going down down. Working in a coal mine, whoops about to get down. He adds that if they win, he can take the kids to Disneyland.
Two teams left, the two all female teams. Lyn tells us that she and Karlyn have never continuously spent this much time together, even in college. They both joke that they need some alone time.
Dustin and Kandice lament the fact that they are in last place, and add that they need to be more aggressive. Aggressive beauty queens. I can get behind that.
Rob and Kimberly reach the train station first, which means they are the first to realize we’re bunching. Everyone makes this train to Hanoi, and the train leaves. We see a shot of Tyler and James looking out, seeing people shooting up by the train tracks. This prompts much wistful longing for the old days.
Cut to Erwin and Godwin, talking about how well they are getting along with David and Mary and Lyn and Karlyn. The boys wonder if any of the others are sharing information. The three teams then review their maps, trying to figure out which travel agency is the closest. As they review their maps, Peter gets up and walks past them, offering to share information with them. Before they can say anything, he walks past to the next car.
In the next car, he tells Kandice and Dustin that other teams are sharing information. He tells them they need to work together. The girls halfheartedly agree, then, after he leaves, Dustin asks Kandice why he is being nice. Kandice says it’s because he likes her, which seems as good as any reason to me. I figure the other teams have already made known their unwillingness to work with him. They say that working with Peter will occur on a case-by-case basis. That Peter. No one likes him.
On his way back to Sarah, he again asks the Misfit Alliance if they want to share information. Lyn says sure, but Peter says nothing. Lyn tells us that she knows Peter was just trying to play them. Staying there, Erwin and Godwin pull out a fake cell phone and pretend to call a travel agency. Peter overhears them, and immediately rushes back to Kandice and Dustin. The people they are sitting with have a phone, and Peter uses it to call an agency. They book tickets and tell the agent they are on their way.
We jump forward to the train reaching Hanoi and teams disembarking. We’re almost a quarter of the way through the episode and we haven’t reached an airport yet. The teams scramble to find a travel agency. In fact, we spend the next fifteen minutes or so with teams booking flights, getting to the airport, scrambling to change flights, scrambling to make flights, and one team, David and Mary, missing a flight. Seriously. We spend about fifteen minutes on this. We reach the second break and no one has even landed in Chennai yet. If you like fast-paced airport action, this episode of TAR is for you. The only thing – truly, the only thing – breaking this up is Peter being a jerk. As he and Sarah and Dustin and Kandice sit in a café, he does an imitation of David and Mary. If the editing is to be believed, David and Mary were sitting within listening distance. When all is said and done, Kandice and Dustin and Sarah and Peter, who were on the last flight to leave Hanoi, are on the first flight to arrive in Chennai.
The clue tells teams to find an arts and crafts place in Mamallapuram. I had to take Mamallapuram when I was in the hospital to get my kidney stones removed. Peter starts off the ugly American scenes when he tells Sarah they are going from one polluted city to another. You know, Hanoi and Chennai weren’t polluted before Peter got there. Just sayin’. Dustin and Kandice are the first to Mamallapuram, where they find they have to wait, though not long enough to consider it bunching, for the place to open.
Rob and Kimberly complain about the smell, and then Karlyn says – wait. Karlyn says something nice. Well, maybe it’s nice. She says it’s good to be in a place where people have more substance on their bodies than in Vietnam. That’s a nice thing to say, right?
Anyway, Mamalluram opens and guess what? It’s detour time, and you know what that means – the detour song! Sing along, boys and girls
A detour is a choice between two tasks,
Between two tasks
Between two tasks
A detour is a choice between two tasks
Each with its own pros and cons
Our choices today are Wild Things or Wild Rice. In Wild Things, teams much watch the entire Denise Richards-Neve Campbell-Matt Dillon sex scenes without getting aroused. If a team member gets aroused, they have to start over.
Sorry. That’s how I would make a Wild Things challenge. In reality, the Wild Things challenge involves helping some crocodile wranglers move a crocodile from one crocodile pit to another without making a single stingray comment. And, by the way, because I love it so much, here’s this:
In Wild Rice, teams must use colored rice and a picture to paint an elaborate pattern on the ground. So, apparently, the pros and cons of these two tasks are as follows:
Wild Things Pro: Can complete it quickly.
Wild Things Con: Possibly eaten by crocodile (though, depending on who was eaten, I might be inclined to put this in the pro column), the task is first-come, first served.
Wild Rice Pro: No possibility of being eaten by crocodile, unless of course you give up and decide to go wrangle crocodiles anyway because the task takes fucking forever.
Wild Rice Con: The tasks takes fucking forever.
Kandice and Dustin and Sarah and Peter all choose to do Wild Things, and the possibility of someone (Peter) being eaten by a crocodile has never filled me with such glee. The two teams run back to their cabs to take off for Crocodile Village, but Kandice and Dustin find their cab has a flat tire. Peter finds a great deal of pleasure in this, and race past them. They get to the task and find that it consists of putting bands around the snout of a crocodile that wranglers are holding still. They then have to put the croc on a wooden stretcher and carry it to its new home. To do so they need to climb over a short wall. As they do so, Peter says “Come on, sister” to Sarah, adding incest to the paraplegic fetish we already knew he had. While they are transporting their crocodile, Kandice and Dustin start banding theirs.
Sarah and Peter finish, getting their next clue. It tells them to take a bus back to Chennai and find a driving school. They rush to get to the bus, but miss it. Peter gets on Sarah’s case for being too slow. Nice guy, Peter. Then, when she tells him she can’t go faster, he tells her he isn’t telling her to go faster. Dude. It’s right there on tape. He then goes passive-aggressive on her, telling her that if she wants him to do so, he’ll quit trying so hard to win. Dickweed. That’s really the only thing you can say about Peter. He’s a dickweed. But it doesn’t end there. He says he just wants her to have fun. That’s all he really wants. To have fun. She tells him she isn’t having any fun, and I realize I much prefer a Kimberly and Rob’s open warfare with each other to the underhanded sniping of these two.
Dustin and Kandice finish up moving their crocodile, which sounds like something the euphemism generator would come up with, and catch up with Peter and Sarah at the bus stop. Meanwhile, Karlyn and Lyn and Erwin and Godwin have found the detour. They both opt for Wild Rice, despite the fact that they need to put costumes on and take their shoes and socks off. They start in on the task, standing on hot concrete.
Kimberly and Rob are next to arrive, picking Wild Things. During the cab ride there Kimberly spots a roaming cow, asking Rob if the cow is homeless. Not as funny as my ox is broken, but not bad. They start in on the task as Karlyn and Lyn and Erwin and Godwin, and really, that’s a lot of “in” sounds, decide to switch tasks. As they are leaving James and Tyler arrive and choose Wild Rice. Apparently wrangling crocodiles is too much like the fevered-drug-induced dreams they used to have.
Rob and Kimberly arrive, quickly completing the task, and go to the bus stop. While there, Karlyn and Erwin and Lyn and Godwin all arrive, complete the task, and make it to the bus stop before the next bus leaves. Meanwhile, David and Mary arrive and also choose Wild Rice. Mary asks David why he thinks she would want to wrestle a crocodile. Of course she wouldn’t – she’s probably never been near anything with all of its teeth.
Now here's the thing. I'm sure wrestling a crocodile sounds dangerous as hell. But it isn't. At least, it isn't in Amazing Race land. See, the producers are going to make sure that, if you do the task properly, the way the people at the task tell you to do it, you won't get hurt. You won't even have a risk of getting hurt. The only way you can get hurt doing a task, no matter how dangerous it sounds, is if you fuck it up. Sure, you might get some scrapes rock-climbing, or have some sore muscles. But no matter how high you climb or zipline or parachute, the safety of the task has been tested over and over and over again. The last thing the TAR producers want are headlines screaming "Contestant Dies While Trying To Wrestle Crocodile". So that's why it's crocodile wrestling and not stingray catching.
The first two teams get separated, and Peter and Sarah are the first to arrive at the driving school, home of a roadblock. One person has to take driving lessons, then pass a driving test. Peter, of course, chooses to perform the task. He is quickly taught how to drive, and passes his test. The clue he gets tells them to drive the cab to the next pit stop. They do so, winning the leg. As if anyone cares.
Cut back to Tyler and James and David and Mary using the rice to color the pattern. It’s an impossibly long task, especially compared to how quickly everyone handled the crocodiles.
Cut back to Dustin and Kandice finishing up the road block. They set off to the pit stop, arriving shortly after Sarah and Peter. Phil asks if they will be the first all female team to win the race, probably hoping for some hot Probst-on-contestant action. As they finish, Erwin and Karlyn and Godwin and Lyn arrive and do the task.
Back at the roadblock, Rob is performing the task. Somehow, as the show progresses, he is becoming a more decent human being. Maybe it’s the scruffy growth he’s keeping on his face.
Tyler and James finish the detour and head off to the driving school. In short order Rob and Kimberly, Erwin and Godwin, and Lyn and Karlyn arrive at the mat. Phil chides Erwin and Godwin for picking a bad picture of him for their shirts.
We’re zipping through this roadblock. In fact, it probably takes less time to watch than it does to read. That’s what happens when you spend half a show in airports. Tyler and James do the roadblock, reach the pit stop, and tell Phil that a low finish was a good thing, cause it will humble them. That leaves all the teams but one.
It’s dark, and David and Mary finally arrive at the driving school, which is still open. If we needed another sign that this was a non-elimination episode – and did we? I don’t think so – the fact that the school is still open gives it to us. I mean, everyone else completed the task during daylight. David and Mary are so far behind it’s dark, yet they have to do the task anyway. If it were an elimination, they would get moved right to the mat. Indeed, Phil doesn’t even attempt to fool them into thinking they’ve been eliminated. Instead, he goes with a pretty straightforward “last to arrive, happy to tell you non-elim, but you need to give up your money and belongings and”
The hell? He just told them they get to keep their stuff. Wow. They got rid of the penalty for finishing last in a non-elim…
The hell???? Now they’re being told they are marked for elimination. If they don’t finish first the next leg, they will be assessed a 30-minute penalty when they do finish.
Wow. That’s pretty fucking vicious. That’s first prize is a Cadillac, second prize is steak knives, third prize is you’re fired vicious. That’s first prize is two tickets to see Gallagher, second prize is four tickets to see Gallagher vicious. Bravo, TAR producers. Bravo. You recognized that taking people’s money and belongings was not causing them any impediment and devised a penalty that could result in elimination. Have David and Mary finished ahead of any non-last place team by more than 30 minutes in any leg of the race? Other than last week, of course? I wouldn’t be surprised, however, to see a Fast Forward on the next leg. That might be the only thing that could save David and Mary. We’ll see.
Next on The Amazing Race. Lyn and Karlyn get into a fight with Dustin and Kandice over a man and we’re treated to some sort of robot camel racing. Well, not robot camels, but robots on camels. And believe me, you really need to look far and wide to get any sort of hot robot on camel tapes. ¶ 9:45 AM
Comments:
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I'm disappointed there wasn't a third-grade humor comment about Dustin and Kantspell's line: "We like to be on top in everything."
Otherwise, nice.
Otherwise, nice.
You get behind the beauty queens; I'm gonna get behind the models.
FTR, I'll dress like Guy Pearce in "Priscilla" if it gets me on The Race.
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FTR, I'll dress like Guy Pearce in "Priscilla" if it gets me on The Race.
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