Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Episode Six: For Whom The Gimp Tolls
The racers participated in a star-studded salute to Steve Irwin. Peter was a major asshole even by his standards. David and Mary were last in a non-elimination leg, and for being so got slapped with a scarlet E. If they don’t finish first on the leg, they will receive a 30-minute penalty. It probably goes without saying that this could eliminate them. It probably also goes without saying that I wouldn’t mind being slapped by a Scarlett J.
Sarah and Peter, the first to arrive, are the first to depart. Whew. Glad there are some things in life you can count on. The clue is given to them in the form of a video phone message from Phil. Phil tells them to go to Kuwait and find a mystery location. Their only clue to the location is a picture of some towers. Hmm. Towers. In Kuwait. You could almost call them Kuwait Towers. Man, that will be tough to figure out. The video ends with Phil saying that if any of the racers are captured, Jerry Bruckheimer will disavow all knowledge of them. The phone then self-destructs.
In confessional, Peter admits to being a self-absorbed asshole who pushes Sarah too hard. Or is he? Maybe he’s saying that Sarah is too weak to keep up. Either way, he says he needs to ease up on her. This won’t be a problem, because they are so much better than all the other teams that they can win on their worst day. We’ll see about that. In her own confessional, Sarah tells us she is going to kill Peter in his sleep. Atta girl, Sarah!
Dustin and the spelling challenged Kandice are next out. She really should have checked with Survivor-Candice on how to spell her name. Kandice thinks they are underrated by the other teams, and that no one wants to be beaten by a couple of blond girls. I wouldn’t say no one, Kandice.
Both teams rush to get tickets for Kuwait. Peter tries to claim a medical emergency, waving Sarah’s leg in the face of the ticketing agent. This doesn’t work, but he is smart enough to show the picture of the mystery location they need to find in Kuwait, and he is rewarded by being told the name of the location, Kuwait Towers, and by being given a printout with relevant information, including address. He and Sarah book a flight with a 7:50 arrival time.
Dustin and Kandice, on the other hand, try to get good bookings by telling the agent they are Ms. California and Ms. New York, which is the same trick Tyler and James will use later. They get no special favors, instead getting the same 7:50 arrival time.
Rob and Kimberly are third out, with Rob telling us that his drama-queen nature sometimes gets them in trouble. I have to confess, I wrote Rob off early on as another in a long-line of TAR alpha males, but I think there is more to him than that. He has actually shown signs of being a decent human being at times, with sincere flashes of humor.
Speaking of humor, Erwin and Godwin are next out. Godwin is wearing a “Will Flex For Food” shirt. Not as funny as the lost Phil shirts, but not bad. They decide to wait for Karlyn and Lyn, the fifth place team, before leaving to book their flight. They start out, as do James and Tyler who
Wait. Forget it. This first segment is nothing but ticketing and airports and bunching. You don’t want to know about that. Who does? It’s the least attractive part of TAR. Here’s all you need to know: Every team, including David and Mary, who left the Pit Stop six hours after Peter and Sarah, are on the same flight. Every team, that is, except for James and Tyler, who managed to get a flight out of India three hours earlier than the other teams. This advantage was negated, however, by a layover in Mumbai, a layover that allowed the other six teams to catch up. In other words, complete and total bunching that results in everyone arriving in Kuwait at the same time.
Okay. We’re all in Kuwait. Everyone has been able to figure out the name of the clue and how to get there. It’s just a matter of who can get there fastest. Rob and Kimberly and Tyler and James are the first two teams to arrive. They have to take an elevator to the cluebox. However, the cluebox is in a portion of the tower that doesn’t open until 11:00 am. As a result, teams are required to take a number.
Dustin and Kandice are next to arrive, followed by Peter and Sarah. Peter, however, pushes past the girls to take the third number. Stay classy, Peter. Stay classy.
The Back Pack Three, Mary and David and Karlyn and Lyn and Erwin and Godwin are last to arrive. The tower hasn’t opened yet, though, so it doesn’t really matter.
The clock strikes 11:00 am, and the tower opens. It’s a Roadblock, requiring one team member to scale to the top of the tower on the outside of the building, grab a bag filled with puzzle pieces, go back to the ground, complete the puzzle, and then find the location of the next clue. There’s also a Fast Forward involving finding a clue in a fire at an oil field.
The first three teams take the Road Block, though Peter does briefly debate using the Fast Forward. Dustin and Kandice also debate using the Fast Forward, then opt for Road Block. Lyn and Karlyn and Erwin and Godwin also choose Road Block, leaving the Fast Forward for David and Mary. Those two can’t decide which to do, though it should be an easy decision. As they are debating, Kandice and Dustin change their minds and come back to the clue box for the Fast Forward. Erwin and Godwin intercept them and tell them they are already heading for the Fast Forward, causing the Beauty Queens to return to the Road Block. Erwin and Godwin then practically push David and Mary into taking the Fast Forward, and return themselves to the Road Block line, telling the others David and Mary had beaten them to the Fast Forward.
Now it’s time for teams to split up, with one person climbing and the other returning to the ground. Kimberly takes the task, and though she is nervous, she gets it done pretty quick. Tyler goes next, showing off all the way.
Peter has told Sarah to do the task, since she has demonstrated her superb climbing skills several times in the competition. What a jerk. It’s tough for her, but she manages. Everyone manages, even Erwin, who is terrified by heights. No surprise, though. They were tethered to the ladder, the ladder was covered, and though they could see around them to the outside of the building, they would have had to actively take their safety gear off to ever be in danger on the challenge.
David and Mary reach the Fast Forward, and it’s pretty easy. They are to put on flame resistant suits, and, while surrounded by firemen able to put the flames out at a moment’s notice, approach the clue box located in the middle of the flames and get the clue. They do so easily, though not before Mary notes that she should be in a Steven Seagal movie (Race Through Flames? Under Clues?) and David notes that he always wanted to be a fireman. The clue tells them to go directly to the next Pit Stop.
Back at the Road Block, everyone is now back on the ground working on their puzzles. Yes, this is television at its finest, ladies and gentlemen. Television at its finest.
The completed puzzle is in Arabic, causing teams to find people to translate for them. Most everyone finds assistance without incident. On the other hand, Karlyn and Lyn get a man to write down directions for them, and when they see Kandice and Dustin approach the same men for help, they tell him not to assist the blondes. What are they to do? What man is going to come up and help to hot blondes in need of assistance? Oh yeah. Every man. No sooner do they get rejected than someone comes up and, in front of Karlyn and Lyn, offer to take Dustin and Kandice to the location, prompting complaints from Lyn that it isn’t fair. Right. It’s fair that you got someone to translate, it’s fair that you got someone to write out directions, it’s fair that they were unwilling to help Dustin and Kandice because you asked them not to do so, but it’s unfair that Dustin and Kandice were able to get help on their own.
One by one, teams arrive at the clue box. It’s a detour, and you all know what that means:
Aww, fuck it. Sing it to yourselves.
Anyway, our choices are Manual or Automatic. In Manual, teams must fill ten 110-pound bags of camel feed. In automatic, teams go to the camel racing club to race camels with voice-controlled robot jockeys. By the way, I had a dream with voice-controlled robot jockeys racing camels one night, but attributed it to bad shellfish. Tyler and James are the first to arrive, and head off to do manual. Or do Manuel. I get confused.
Cut to Mary and David arriving at the Pit Stop. Yay, them! Hit with a brutal penalty, saved by a gimmick. Actually, saved by the Cho brothers. But whose counting. Phil welcomes them, then gives them a trip to Jamaica mon for winning the leg.
Jump back to the Detour clue box, which Rob and Kimberly find next. They try to act like they didn't find it, hiding their clue and not reading it until they are back at their car. Peter and Sarah attempt deceit as well, but the open clue in their hand tips off Erwin and Godwin. Peter and Sarah reach the car and decide on automatic. Erwin and Godwin choose manual. So do Dustin and Kandice, next to the clue box. Lyn and Karlyn are last, opting for automatic. So that's four manual, two automatic. Plan Voodoo will not be working tonight.
We're now treated to shots of racers driving around Kuwait. Dustin and Kandice find a guide, and arrive at manual shortly before Rob and Kimberly, who manage to locate it on their own. Everyone else, and I mean everyone else, has trouble finding their destinations. Now, I’ve never been to Kuwait, though I’ve been to Oklahoma. People tell me I was born there, but I really don’t…
Sorry, I was thinking of something else.
Now, I've never been to me. Sorry, wrong start again.
Now, I've never been to Kuwait, so maybe it is tough driving. Or maybe this batch of racers has some real idiots. We've had mostly cabbies for most of the race, so this is one of the first times we've really seen them drive themselves, and most are not impressing. Erwin and Godwin finally reach manual at about the time Dustin and Kandice and Rob and Kimberly are done filling their bags. Indeed, Dustin and Kandice had taken their bags to the observer, but were told they were not yet done because their bags weren't full enough. Dude. Their bags are plenty full enough, if you know what I mean and I think you do. This error allows Rob and Kimberly to finish the task first, getting the final clue directing them to the Pit Stop. Dustin and Kandice finish shortly after, also heading for the Pit Stop.
Meanwhile, Lyn and Karlyn arrive at the camel racing club. They get told what to do, prep their tiny robot jockey, then start the race. It doesn't take long before they finish the task and head off for the Pit Stop. Cut to Erwin and Godwin finishing manual and heading off to the Pit Stop.
So that makes four teams headed for the Pit Stop and two teams still hopelessly lost. We see Peter and Sarah find a yellow arrow only to get out and discover it is the already completed Fast Forward. We see Peter and Sarah return to the detour clue box and get directions again from the same man who gave them directions before. We see Peter yell at Sarah and blame her for getting them lost. Finally, we see Tyler and James arrive at automatic. It's not the task they were looking to do, but it is a task, and they do it, but not before James tells the camel that the camel sucks because they couldn't find it. Yeah, it's the damn camel's fault.
But what about the teams headed to the Pit Stop? They too are having driving troubles, such that Dustin and Kandice actually reach the Pit Stop before Rob and Kimberly and Lyn and Karlyn reach before Erwin and Godwin. But they reach, in that order. The Brothers Cho are particularly thrilled to find they are in fifth place, because they were certain they were goners. Shortly after they get there, James and Tyler arrive.
Intercut with all of the shots of people arriving at the Pit Stop are more shots of Peter and Sarah driving around Kuwait. Based on the editing, the Iraqi army didn’t spend as much time in Kuwait as Peter and Sarah, and to just about as good of an end. It’s dark when they finally find the spot where the Manual challenge takes place, but the instructions they get there tell them to head to the Pit Stop, a sure sign that the most perfect ending is going to occur – Peter and Sarah will be eliminated. And, indeed, they are, getting the bad news from Phil. Peter tells Phil that he doesn’t think they are a good couple. Sarah tells us in confessional that – well, hell. Let’s let her speak for herself:
“I learned a lot about him in these stressful situations. He is a very strong go-getter, but he isn’t a very nurturing or kind individual. I want someone that’s driven and is strong, but I’m also looking for someone who is caring and compassionate.”
In other words, she wants someone who is strong enough for a man, but made for a woman. She continues “I really got to see a lot of sides to Peter on this trip, and he’s not the person for me.”
Sarah, Peter isn’t the person for anyone other than Peter. Don’t beat yourself up over it.
You know, it’s hard to say considering how far off the grid Peter and Sarah fell, but Erwin and Godwin may have saved David and Mary. They wouldn’t have gotten the Fast Forward without the brothers, and they probably could not have finished more than 30 minutes ahead of any other team under normal conditions. Though I’m glad they did, I don’t think David and Mary are long for the show. They’re easily the worst remaining team, though Tyler and James seem to share Season Seven’s Brian and Greg’s ability to get lost. But even if they do go out next, they finished better than five teams, they won a trip to Jamaica, and they did their kids proud. That’s nothing to sneeze at.
Something else, while I’m at it. Though there’s no way of knowing, I wonder if maybe Sarah didn’t intentionally bag the race. Could she have led them in circles for hours on purpose? It’d be the TAR-equivalent of fragging the looey.
Finally, with Peter and Sarah gone, there’s no team left that you can tab as total villains. I wouldn’t want to see a yield used on any of the remaining teams. Sure, Karlyn and Lyn can be obnoxious on occasion, but they can also be decent, and realistically, there’s not much chance of them finishing higher than fourth or fifth. We could have another all decent final three, unless Kimberly really kicks things up a notch.
On the next Amazing Race: Karlyn and Lyn mix it up with Dustin and Kandice, proving everything I just said about them is wrong. ¶ 5:35 PM
