Monday, October 02, 2006
Episode Three: You Don't Have To Live Like An Amputee
Previously on The Amazing Race:
One of the former drug addicts turned male models admitted that his moment of clarity came when he was arrested for the third time for giving hand jobs for crack. A beauty queen lost her Mongol Helmet (cue Ilse laughing). Something needed a hand crank to get started. The cheerleaders were eliminated despite getting a hand with the hand cranking when they drove down the right road, decided they were going the wrong way, then turned around and drove back the other direction.
Hey! That actually was previously on The Amazing Race! SWEET!
Sun comes up, it’s Tuesday morning. (Sometimes the inside references are just for me. Sorry.)
We open in outer Mongolia. Better than opening in Baltimore, I guess. Anyway, it’s 6:54, and Peter and Sarah, the first to arrive, are the first to depart. They open the clue and find out they’re on their way to Vietnam to find the infamous Hanoi Hilton. They seem happy, and I am as well, thrilled at the prospect of jokes writing themselves. The teams are given no money and must find a travel agency to get their tickets. It would be tough to do with no new money, though I know everything I could possibly want in Vietnam is only five dolla.
And so Peter and Sarah are off, having served their purpose as our exposition source for the start of the episode. They’re followed shortly after by Tyler and James, who are thrilled to be traveling to the heart of the golden triangle. Next out are Duke and Lauren.
As they are driving, Duke sees a bunch of girls walking by the side of the road and asks Lauren if she can use her super sharp Lesbian sense to tell if the girls are gay. Okay, he didn’t phrase it that way. Instead he said
“You suppose they’re friends or…”
letting the sentence hang there. Yeah Duke. They’re lesbians. Outer Mongolia is famous for its walking daisy chains.
Duke tells us he avoided Vietnam because his draft number wasn’t called. Let’s see. Duke is 52 now. That means he was born in 1954 and turned 18, draft age, in 1972. The draft was abolished in 1973. So that leaves a year in which he would have been subject to the draft lottery. Okay, I’ll grant him this one. But just this one. What that means, though, is that today was the first time Duke had to open an envelope and find out he was going to Vietnam.
Next out, no pun intended, are Tom and Terry. Folks, let me set my summarizing hat aside for a second for some practical advice. I don’t care what your preference is – gay, lesbian, straight, transgendered, animals – don’t, and I can’t stress this strongly enough, don’t choose a partner whose name, when attached to your name, makes you sound like a cartoon cat and mouse. No Tom and Terry. No Jon and Cherie. No Bitchy and Catchy. Take that to heart and you’ll thank me later.
Tom says they have trouble making decisions together and implies that it’s due to the fact that they have only been together two years. Tom buddy, you can be with someone for, oh, say five years and still have trouble making decisions together. Time seems to have nothing to do with it – it’s who you and your partner are as people.
We cut to Peter and Sarah in their car, as Sarah Exposition reads more of the clue. Not only are they given no money to start the leg, they can’t beg or sell any possessions to raise money. They arrive at the Genghis Khaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan hotel, home of the travel agency, and find that the agency doesn’t open until 9:00 am. James and Tyler arrive shortly after.
Back at the Pit Stop, Dustin and Kandice are ready to roll. Kandice says she is learning to be better with directions, which is strange because her bio says she is a rocket scientist.
Sorry. I misread that. Her bio says she is a Rockette. Big difference.
Next to go are Rob and Kimberly, who start the leg the only way they know how. At each other’s throats. Considering how much time these two spend fighting all through each leg, the make-up sex each night must be tremendous.
We’re getting to the end of the departures. Mary and David are in seventh place. They open the clue and David starts thinking about his father. His dad served a tour of duty in Nam, and seldom spoke about it to David.
Now, I’m not usually one to open the door at the behind the scenes aspects of summary writing. But I had a great visual planned here as I watched the episode. When David started talking about his dad being in the military, the visual I got was of the country bumpkin character in the movie Stripes. I was going to find a picture of that character (played by John Diehl) and put it in the summary with the caption “David’s father during his military service.” But I couldn’t find one. So imagine that picture is here, imagine that caption, and imagine yourselves laughing at it. Not a laugh out loud, granted. More a small, satisfied chuckle.
They drive along, David reminiscing and Mary worried about the race. We cut to other teams arriving at the Khaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan, and then back to Erwin and Godwin leaving the Pit Stop. Godwin tells us he’s already won because he’s traveling the globe seeing beautiful sites with his brother. Yeah, and Billy has already won Survivor Social Experiment Island because he and the Candice who spells her name in a manner that doesn’t set spell check off found true love.
Cut back to the Khaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan, where the travel agency opens up. Four clerks, no waiting. The first three teams go in to the farthest clerks, leaving the clerk closest to the door free. Do Tom and Terry, the fourth team in line, go to this clerk? No. They move past her farther into the room. Dustin and Kandice, fifth in line, go to the free clerk, prompting what can only be described as a hissy fit from Tom and Terry. They accuse Dustin and Kandice of cutting in line, and get upset when Kandice accidentally calls Tom Terry. Or Terry Thomas. I get confused. Terry stage whispers “They are not going to win a beauty pageant of kindness.” Snap. You go girl!
Wait. Beauty pageant of kindness? What the fuck does that mean? Shouldn’t that just be a kindness pageant?
Mind you, cutting in line isn’t good, but cutting in line usually involves some sort of physical activity, like pushing someone else aside who was there. I have no doubt that Dustin and Kandice, who are both much butcher than Tom and Terry, could put them down like rabid dogs if they wanted. But they didn’t here. Tom and Terry walked right by one ticket agent, and Dustin and Kandice went to her instead. It’s not going to matter anyway – this thing has airport bunching written all over it. And the confusion thing? It’s not like you could tell Dustin and Kandice apart without DNA testing. So just chill out boys.
Last out from the Pit Stop are Lyn and Karlyn. Lyn tells us that the reace isn’t that glamorous, that it’s painful and full of hard work, just like childbirth. Now, I was there when Little E was born, and it didn’t involve traveling all around the world. Course, it was a Caesarian. Vaginal birth may be different.
Cut back to the Khaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan, where we find out that the fastest flight leaves at 1:00 pm and arrives in Vietnam at 9:00 pm. Everyone present gets booked on it, as do the teams that arrive later. All nine teams will start out on equal footing, except of course for Sarah. And with that we leave the Genghis Khaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan Hotel and that particular joke.
We take to the air and in no time arrive in Hanoi. Kandice and Dustin are first out, followed by Rob and Kimberly and Tyler and James. We see shots of people piling into cabs, Sarah being unable to keep up with Peter in the airport, Lyn and Karlyn trying to get a van for both them and David and Mary, and Duke and Lauren walking with a Hanoi resident they met on the plane who has agreed to help them. Inside their van, Lyn and Karlyn say they were being helpful, which is what Southerners do. Didn’t they drive right by someone having trouble last week, or was that my imagination? Oh well. Back at the airport, Duke and Lauren are still waiting for their newfound friend to come out of the airport. Eventually she comes out and gets in the cab with them.
Up ahead, there’s trouble on the road. A truck has turned over. For some reason, Dustin and Kandice get out of their cab to look around. As they do, other teams pass them. They finally get back in their cab and move on past the truck as do all the other teams.
Except for Duke and Lauren, who are still with their new friend. She needs to go to her brother’s place, and then her brother will guide them to their destination. Yes, this woman is taking revenge for every local who has ever been exploited by a TAR contestant. Right on! Power to the people! Stick it to the man!
Lauren, who apparently is not smart enough to see the upcoming need-to-wait-til-morning-for-it-to-open bunch, starts to panic about being eliminated. Duke is more worried about their lack of cash, especially when their Hanoi helper tells them the cab will be $10 to $20. Seems they only have $11, and after Duke makes a special purchase, they’ll only have $6.
Rob and Kim and Tyler and James are the first two teams to arrive, finding out that the prison does not open until 8:00 am. Everyone else eventually arrives, including Duke and Lauren. Duke offers the cab driver all his money, and the driver accepts. Maybe it would have been smart to keep something in reserve. Just saying, Duke.
In the morning, an attendant opens the door and hands everyone a piece of paper describing what the Hanoi Hilton was and their mission inside. Someone starts reading the message outloud, and as they do, we segue into Phil’s voiceover, reading the exact same words. A tricky little edit, and kind of cool if you think about it. The mission, we are told, is to find the flight suit worn by Senator John “I was against torture before I was for it” McCain when he was brought to the prison as a young captured pilot.
The teams start racing around the prison. Inside are exhibits of what went on, though according to online sources, the Vietnamese have whitewashed the history and do not tell of the gruesome tortures that were practiced there. So while we see a small cave-like cell where prisoners were kept (now an accepted practice under the Military Commissions Act of 2006), or another small cell where rows of prisoners were forced to sit upright for hours in cramped conditions (also now an accepted practice under the Military Commissions Act of 2006), we don’t see where the waterboarding (also now an accepted practice under the Military Commissions Act of 2006) or the Bastinado (also now an accepted practice under the Military Commissions Act of 2006) or the denailing (also now an accepted practice under the Military Commissions Act of 2006) or the sleep deprivation (also now an accepted practice under the Military Commissions Act of 2006) or the various forms of psychological torture such as forced labor (also now an accepted practice under the Military Commissions Act of 2006), mock executions (also now an accepted practice under the Military Commissions Act of 2006), or being forced to witness atrocities (also now an accepted practice under the Military Commissions Act of 2006) took place. And yes, I’m pissed as all fucking hell that my country has come to this, and if you aren’t, you’re not paying attention.
Everyone eventually finds the room with the flight suit, more or less all at the same time. Some teams are respectful towards McCain and his sacrifice, which is much more than the hypocritical mother fucker deserves. Some teams, such as Dustin and Kandice and David and Mary, thank the man passing out clues. And then there’s Peter, who not once, not twice, but three times tries to reach in and grab the clue being handed to a team in front of him in line. You stay classy, Peter.
The clue instructs the team to go to the Old Quarter, the Vietnamese version of Old Navy, and find a flower shop. There they will receive their next clue. Everyone rushes to a cab, except the cash-deprived Duke and Lauren, who are forced to walk the several kilometers to the Old Quarter.
Tom and Terry get there first, and are the first to discover a roadblock. A roadblock, as we all know, is a task only one person can perform. In this task, that person has to sell 80,000 dong worth of flowers, or, using today’s currency exchange rate, $5 worth of flowers, from a bicycle.
Oh my. Eighty thousand dong equals five dolla. My head’s going to explode. And folks, can we have more countries give their currency names that make grown men giggle like ten year olds? Thanks.
The upside of earning that much dong is that you get to keep it. The downside, of course, is that after all is said and done, you only have $5.
Tom chooses to sell the flowers, and promptly goes out and begins to scream at passerby to purchase flowers. Yeah, that’s going to work.
Erwin and Godwin are next to arrive, Erwin doing the task. He has difficulty riding the bike and difficulty selling as well. Peter and Sarah are next, and Peter starts selling flowers like mad. I think something about his features and demeanor struck a chord with the ladies milling around the flower shop. He finishes first, despite all the other teams arriving (well, all the others but Duke and Lauren) and beginning the task. Sarah tells us in confessional that she’ll have to do the next roadblock and that she’ll jump into it “with both feet, no pun intended.” For the first time I notice the yellow safety glasses she wears. As he finishes, they get the clue, instructing them to take a public bus to the village of Vac, where they will find their next clue at the local Buddhist temple.
Duke and Lauren finally arrive, and Duke takes the task because he is a salesman. Once more to the bio, where we find out that he is the owner and operator of a successful company called My Little Town, which makes New England icons in miniature porcelain. Hmm. I would have thought he was regional sales manager for Grecian Formula, dude’s hair is so dark. Regardless, he makes porcelain miniatures of famous landmarks and HE questions his daughter’s sexual preferences?
Teams start to finish the task. Erwin completes it, as does Tom. Both teams head out to find a bus. Sarah and Peter have already found a bus, and as they board Sarah hopes that no one else will board their bus and that the bus is the right one. On well. One out of two ain’t bad.
Erwin and Godwin are the first to find a bus to Vac, and they get on as the bus takes off. Tom and Terry are next, getting on a bus all by themselves. Meanwhile, Sarah and Peter have discovered they are on the wrong bus. The driver lets them off, but they seem to have lost valuable time.
By now, everyone but Duke and Lauren have finished selling. Five teams set off wandering the streets of the Old Quarter in search of the bus station. This is, of course, the title of a lost Pirandello script. Duke and Lauren finishes, and find a much more direct route to the station, such that as we reach the sidewalk across the street from the station, all remaining six teams are together. The street is busy, and cars won’t stop, and Kimberly almost gets run over by a motorbike, but, as always, almost doesn’t count. Eventually everyone gets across the street (which Tyler refers to as a live action game of Frogger) and on the next bus to Vac. As a result, we have eight teams going to Vac and one team, Peter and Sarah, standing around trying to find a bus to Vac. And with that Dweeze bows his head and prays.
“Dear God, I know the Foley emails and IMs were a great gift, as was the Cards backing into the playoffs and tomorrow night’s Packer win, but please, if you could, let Peter and Sarah be eliminated tonight. Thanks.”
As we travel, David looks out at the Vietnamese countryside and gets wistful thinking of his father. We cut to Erwin and Godwin arriving in Vac. They are offered a ride on a motorcycle, but turn it down. Phil explains in voiceover that the clue told them that for safety reasons, they could not ride on a motorcycle in Vietnam. They aren’t allowed to get bogged down in a land war in Vietnam either, but that rule doesn’t come into play. They walk to the temple, finding it easily. They also find the clue box, which is surrounded by people holding one of those giant paper dragons. Finally, they find a detour. Everyone sing!
A detour is a choice between two tasks
Between two tasks
Between two tasks
A detour is a choice between two tasks
Each with its own pros and cons.
The choices here are Fuel or Fowl. In Fuel, teams must use wet, muddy Vietnamese coal to make 30 bricks. In Fowl, teams must use traditional tools, materials, and methods to make a Vietnamese birdcage. Erwin and Godwin choose Fuel and find someone to help take them there.
Cut back to Tom and Terry getting off the bus. They too are offered rides on motorcycles, and they too turn them… Wait. They accept. Can you say upcoming penalty time? Sure you can. Tom and Terry find the cluebox and choose forming coal bricks over making a birdcage, and I’m just going to let you make your own damn La Cage Aux Folles joke. Go ahead. I’ll wait.
Erwin and Godwin get instructions on how to make coal bricks and begin the task. Tom and Terry arrive shortly after and do the same. Erwin and Godwin finish, but are told their bricks are too small. That has to hurt. Of course, it’s never happened to me. Tom and Terry are doing something wrong with their brickmaking, much to the amusement of the gathered crowd.
Meanwhile, the third bus has arrived, disgorging six teams. All six find the clue and choose Fuel. The teams set out in vastly different directions, none of them smart enough to ask for assistance in getting there. Mary and David pause, however, and Mary remarks that the dancing dragon is just like something you would see on TV. This pause will prove to be crucial for them. Back at the task, Erwin and Godwin finish, getting a clue with instructions on finding the Pit Stop. It’s located in a rice paddy called Canh Dong Dia, and my chuckles at typing the word dong again are replaced by wonderment at the fact that rice paddies have names.
Meanwhile, Sarah and Peter have found the right bus and are arriving in Vac. Someone fell asleep at captioning, because the caption lists them as being in first when they are actually last. I’m certain this was inadvertent, cause if you were going to intentionally miscaption, you would say “Sarah and Peter, Gimp and Jerk”. At least I would.
Rob and Kimberly, Tyler and James, Dustin and Kandice, Karlyn and Lyn, and Duke and Lauren are all searching high and low through Vac for the task. Duke and Lauren get separated, see the birdcage task, and decide to do it. Mary and David, who got separated back at the cluebox, find the task and dig in. David complains that it’s not real coal like we have back home. In confessional he tells us he has been distracted all day, thinking of his father and how the Vietnamese feel about having a group of Americans swarm their town and not about the race, and he’s so damn sweet about it I’m glad I couldn’t find the Stripes picture.
Cut to Erwin and Godwin arriving at the Pit Stop, finding out that they each win a home entertainment system for taking first place.
Back at Fuel, everyone is working as hard as they can. Dustin and Kandice are actually working quite well. Peter and Sarah finally arrive, beginning to make bricks. Tom and Terry finish and head to the Pit Stop, where they are told they must take a thirty minute penalty for riding the motorcycles. But Phil! They just wanted something large, hard, and throbbing between their legs! Is that such a crime? Apparently so, because they are forced to step off the mat and wait and watch.
Cuts back to the tasks, as Duke and Lauren make a birdcage and everyone else makes bricks. Tyler and James finish, heading off to the Pit Stop. Next are Kandice and Dustin. David and Mary finish, but David leaves his fanny pack behind. They stop as he goes back to get it. As he does, Rob and Kimberly and Peter and Sarah finish and head out, passing David and Mary. As David retrieves the fanny pack, Lyn and Karlyn finish.
Back at the Pit Stop, Tyler and James check in. Rob and Kimberly have caught up to Dustin and Kandice and check in third. Dustin and Kandice take fourth. We are then treated to a very disturbing image. The path to the Pit Stop is narrow, with rice paddy on either side. We see the path in side view. Peter is running about ten paces ahead of Sarah, who is bent over, literally dragging her bad leg. Mother fucking son of a bitch couldn’t even be bothered to help her. Again, stay classy Peter. Stay classy. After they check in, Phil turns to Tom and Terry and says “This really must suck, huh guys?” Nice Phil. Ten seasons of treating all these folks politely starting to boil up within you?
We see Duke and Lauren finish the birdcage and start off. Cut to Lyn and Karlyn catching up to David and Mary as they make their way to the Pit Stop. Lyn and Karlyn offer to stay and walk with them, but David and Mary tell them to go on ahead and finish. They check in at sixth and seventh place respectively.
Lyn and Karlyn tell Phil they are upset that they had to pass Mary and David, but Mary tells them not to worry about it. Mary stands and waits for Tom and Terry to check in, telling them that someone has to walk with her to the resting area. In confessional Mary tells us that Lyn and Karlyn, Erwin and Godwin, and Tom and Terry form the back of the pack pack with them. She says all four of them hang out together during Pit Stops and try to help each other. Yes, the black females, the poor white folks, the Asians, and the gay guys hang out together. Throw in Sarah and you have a Democratic Party ad. The handicapped girl should be there, but Peter has more than enough Aryan in him for the two of them.
We see Duke and Lauren running for the Pit Stop, and we see Phil do his patented look to see if another team is coming, but you never get the feeling there is any danger for Tom and Terry. Phil finally motions them in, and they are long gone when Duke and Lauren arrive.
Duke and Lauren finally arrive, and though she is crying, he’s calm. He tells us in confessional that the race is something every parent should go through with their child. While they seemed like decent people, and are certainly more likable than several of the teams remaining, they made too many mistakes in this leg, and eventually paid the price. Or should I say Duke made too many mistakes. Which leads us to only one sad, perhaps inevitable, conclusion.
Duke sucks. ¶ 5:33 PM
Comments:
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Ba dum bump.
Stoopid me, I didn't see that coming. Now you've gotten me in trouble. Too much laughing to be working.
Stoopid me, I didn't see that coming. Now you've gotten me in trouble. Too much laughing to be working.
I pitied Sarah, until I saw her "organ grinder's monkey" routine in China.
I hated Sarah,until I saw her gimping along in the rice paddy.
Now I'm just conflicted.
Can we set both her and Peter on fire?
And dood? this rocked.
I hated Sarah,until I saw her gimping along in the rice paddy.
Now I'm just conflicted.
Can we set both her and Peter on fire?
And dood? this rocked.
I must say, I'm shocked and amazed if Estee really had to think about that. I though she was the goddess of all pop cultural references. She's my own personal Wiki for that stuff.
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