The Amazing Race 10, Episode 9 Requiem For A Coalminer (And Wife)

By Diamond

Okay, so before I get into things here, I just want you all to know how much adversity I had to overcome just to bring you this summary. You see, my fake crap-ass sorry excuse for a Tivo from DirecTV does not want me to watch reality TV. I’m not kidding. For some reason, it refuses to record both Survivor and The Amazing Race, even though it has no problem recording anything else. And I can’t write a summary unless I record the show and watch it several times first (and you wondered why it takes me so damn long to write these things). With Survivor, it shows the little record icon on the show, but just doesn’t record. It likes to taunt me with that icon. With this show, it just likes to lose the record icon a few days before the show, even though I know I set it. Like I said, it doesn’t do anything like this with any other show I watch, only these two. It’s truly bizarre. So anyway, it took a monumental effort to make sure this episode was recorded in some form. Not only did I recheck the settings on my fake crap-ass non-Tivo a thousand times, but I also set up the VCR to tape it as well. Because that’s just how dedicated I am. You’re welcome.

Anyway, so if this is a summary, I suppose I should, like, summarize some sort of shit or something? Yeah, let’s do that.

Previously on the Amazing Race: Six teams raced from Mauritius to Madagascar, and were shocked - SHOCKED! - to discover a new twist, the Intersection, which sounds much kinkier than it actually was. And if I may editorialize for a moment, I really think this Intersection thing would have been a lot more interesting if they’d done it when there were more teams around, and the Fast Forward wasn’t also an option, because it meant there were way too few groups. But anyway, the daters and the models/drug addicts teamed up to do the Fast Forward, which involved the eating of cow lips, an alleged “delicacy,” which I’m not sure I believe. I suspect it’s more of a “in a poor country you eat every last part of the animal because you can’t afford to waste anything,” but that’s just me. That was not the only thing deceptive about the Fast Forward, the other being the “fast” and the “forward” parts, as the beauty queens ended up coming in first place. David and Mary, coalminer and wife, despite coming in second-to-last place, were eliminated because they got the 30-minute marked-for-elimination penalty. What we didn’t see was that immediately after their elimination, they were summarily executed by the production staff. Well, maybe. The details are a little fuzzy, but I think that’s what happened. In any case, it happened not a moment too soon, because hell if I wanted to try summarizing the garbled mishmash of words that pass for English coming out of their mouths.

Opening credits. Wait, who the hell are all these people? They were on the show? Are they sure?

Commercials. I still haven’t decided if this wacky Russian dude who suddenly seems to be everywhere is funny or creepy. I just noticed that the CSI: Maimi promo has overpowering orange overtones. Do you think they do that to complement David Caruso’s orangeness, or to try to distract from it?

Now onto the show. We rejoin our teams at the pit stop in Madagascar. You know what I miss? The eating, drinking, and mingling with the teams. They never show that anymore. Although maybe they realized that these teams are so deadly dull that there would really be no point.

Dustin and Kandice, the blond and kind-of-annoying-but-not-enough-to-be-interesting-in-a-villainous-
sort-of-way beauty queens, are the first to depart at 2:56 am. They’re told to fly to Helsinki, Finland, where they must find a coffee shop for some crass, product-placed shilling for AOL. And wait, isn’t AOL free now? How do they make the money required to pay for this? And really, does anyone still use AOL? Phil says that due to poor production planning limited availability of tickets out of the country, teams have been given tickets to Paris, France, where they will have to make their own arrangements to get to Finland. But they don’t actually have to use the tickets if they can find something better.

One of the queens (no idea which one) says people are mistaken if they think the queens get handed everything. No! They work hard! They sweat, they cry, they fight to win! If you cut a beauty queen, does she not bleed?? (Sorry. I’m not sure that makes sense here, but it kept popping into my head every time I watched this.) The queens tell us the Paris flight doesn’t leave till 9:40 at night and wonder if people in Finland wear wooden shoes. I guess all that hard work they were talking about was in places other than school.

Tyler and James, the models/actors/drug/addicts/whatevers (henceforth known as the whatevers) are next to leave at 3:08 am. One of them says something boring and pointless.

Next off are Rob and Kimberly, the generic fighting daters, at 3:14 am. Rob says they have a bond with the whatevers, not so much with the queens. No one cares.

Fourth to leave are Erwin and Godwin at 3:24 am. Out of all the teams left, they are probably the ones I would root for, given how worthless everyone else is, and the brothers seem like the ones who might be the least offensive to hang out with in real life. But the things is, they’re playing this race (key word here: “race”) so stupidly that self-respect does not allow me to cheer for them. It’s very disappointing.

Anyway, one brother - again, no idea which one; all I know is one has short hair and the other has a ridiculous ponytail (and for the rest of my life, whenever I see a guy with hair like that, I will hear in my head, “He is NOT Mr. Sensitive Ponytail Man”; and yes I know they have medication to treat that) - says they miss Dave and Mary will run this leg in memory of them. Because they’re dead, you see.

Ponytail: (laughing) That makes it sound like they’re under the grave.

Well, at least there’s some evidence that he has some shred of self-awareness, however miniscule. But still, give me a break. I expect this sort of nonsense from the nitwits that play Survivor. The Amazing Race is supposed to the classy operation in the reality TV stable. Get it together, people.

The queens arrive at the airport and tell the ticket agent they need tickets to Helinski (yeah, not a typo), Finland. The whatevers show up and tell us how they and the blonds are in a relationship of mutual using. It’s not interesting. Nor is the physical interaction between these two teams. You’d think there’s be at least a little flirting, because that’s what attractive people do, but there’s nothing. (As has been pointed out before, it’s probably because they’re too in love with themselves to notice anyone else.) God this is dull.

Rob and Kimberly show up. Everyone learns that there’s a flight to Johannesburg at 5:00 am, and they should be able to get flights to Helsinki from there. All three teams get tickets.

Finally, Lyn and Karlyn pull up the rear at 3:55 am. Of the them says she has Dave’s hat and still feels them there in spirt. Because they’re dead, remember? Also, wearing his hat? Which is probably disgustingly dirty by now? Gross.

At the airport, the first three teams make their way to the Johannesburg flight. The Chos show up and get tickets, and then when Lyn and Karlyn (henceforth known as the whiners, for lack of a better name, and because I need something short to type) show up, they inexplicably tell them about the Johannesburg flight. And okay, I know it’s not inexplicable. It can be explained by the fact that the Chos are Unclear On The Concept of “race.” Dude. There are five teams left. Here’s an idea: self-preservation. Learn it, love it, live it. When you are consistently coming in near the back of the pack, it’s really not in your best interest to be helping other people, because you are going to get your ass eliminated, and then where will you be? (Answer: dead, apparently.) This isn’t about friendship. You can play a game against your friends and still try to beat them, and it’s okay. Like, when I play fantasy football with my friends, I don’t say, hey, I guess I’ll bench LaDainian Tomlinson this week, because it just isn’t nice to score so many points against my friends. You know why I don’t do that? Because it’s fucking stupid, is why. Jesus.

Anyway, there’s some doubt about whether the whiners can get on the flight, but they whine and cajole and eventually guilt trip the ticket agents into letting them on. Everyone flies to Johannesburg, then on to Addis Ababa, Ethiopia, Frankfurt, Germany, and finally, Helsinki. That is one long-ass trip.

Everyone arrives in Helsinki and gets in cabs. The daters bicker. Snore. The whiners say they’re still aligned with the Chos, but it’s down to five teams, and they’ll do what they have to do to win. Wow, it’s like they think this is a race or something! They also bitch about the queens being pretty. Snore some more.

The queens and the whatevers find the coffeeshop and log into AOL to find video messages from their families. I’d make fun of them if I had the energy to care. After completing this “task,” they get their clue, which tells them to take a train to a school. The other three teams get their messages and clues. There is weeping. Everyone makes it to the train station, and there is bunching.

On the train, one of the whatevers educates us on the benefits of moisturizer. Fascinating.

Upon arriving at the train station, the queens and the whatevers find taxis, but the rest of the teams quickly discover they you can only get taxis in a special taxi line, which now happens to be full of Finns. The daters beg the people to let them cut in line, and the people, not realizing that the daters are not the only ones who’ll be doing this, let them. The brothers get in line, while the whiners decide to just cut in front of everyone, despite the protestations of a mild-mannered Finnish gentleman. Damn, it would have been nice to see some violence. Those Finns are just too polite. And also, where, may I ask, was the taxi driver in all this? He shouldn’t have allowed that shit. Let’s see what happens when these whiny assholes try to pull this stunt in a place like LaGuardia. The Chos lament their last-place fate due to being polite themselves.

Commercials. This Cheez-Its commercial, with the cheese wheel rolling around San Francisco, makes no sense. Also, the scary bottle of death on Survivor? Stupid.

The queens and whatevers make it to the school, where they find the Detour. Today, it’s Swamp This or Swamp That, ostensibly activities winter athletes use to stay in shape during the summer. In Swamp This, they have to cross-country ski a mile across a muddy field. In Swamp That, they have to go through a muddy obstacle course. Phil explains both tasks waist-deep in mud, with his waders barely covering the man-boobs.

The queens take the skiing. The whatevers take the obstacle course.

Rob and Kimberly find the school. Or do they?

The whiners arrive and take the skiing. Rob and Kimberly figure out they are actually at the wrong school. The queens and whiners get their skis on and take off. The whatevers…what’s the verb here? I need a word that describes going through the obstacle course, but I don’t think there is one. Bah. Anyway, they get dirty. Partway through the skiing, the queens discover they have to climb over a obstacle-wall thing and jump down, and wait, that doesn’t seem fair. Isn’t the point of this Detour that one option has obstacles and one doesn’t? I mean, if you were looking at these two options, and you knew you were going to have to get all muddy either way, then you might as well do the obstacle course, since it certainly looks more fun. I don’t know.

One of the whatevers sinks waist-deep into the mud and almost seems unable to get out. That doesn’t seem sanitary. Also, it reminds me of the Swamps of Sadness in The Neverending Story, so it gets my hopes up at least some of these people will be in foul enough moods that they’ll get sucked down into the swamp forever. As always, I suspect I will be disappointed. And indeed, the whatever is pulled out by the other whatever and they move on.

The daters finally arrive at the right place and choose the obstacle course.

More skiing. More…obtacling, I guess. The whatevers have to go piggyback style, prompting the one riding to slap the other one on the ass. Cute. (By which I mean, stupid.) The Chos seem to have shown up and some point, and have chosen obstacle. More obstacling, more skiing.

The whatevers and queens finish up and get the next clue, which tells them to take the train to Turku, then drive to a town called Lohja, where they have to find a limestone mine (the Tityrin Mine, which, the way Phil pronounces it, makes me giggle like a 12 year-old idiot; you know, because Phil knows from tits - mantits, that is; I’ll stop now).

As they get back to their cabs, the queens pass the whatevers because the whatevers decided to take the time to change. While the queens are happy about this, I’m not sure their cab driver is. His cab is going to reek like Jerry’s car in that one Seinfeld episode. You know which one I’m talking about.

Back at the Detour, the daters have caught up and finished ahead of the Chos and the whiners. At the train station, the queens and the whatevers make it onto a train that’s just about to leave, but the daters just barely miss it, and are pissed.

Commercials. Is Ron Livingston that hard-up for work that he had to become the Spring pitchman? I mean, I know Standoff sucks and will probably be cancelled eventually (not that it has stopped me from watching it - he is just so very, very pretty), but come on. This is just kind of sad. If I was stuck in a snowed-in airport waiting for a flight that might never take off, and someone whipped out a schlocky Hallmark musical Christmas toy, I think I might actually murder someone. Over-under on the number of episodes before this show 3 Lbs. gets cancelled? I’m putting my money on three.

The daters learn the next train is an hour behind. Rob wants to have his moment. Kimberly lets him, and shows him the hand. The Chos and the whiners show up.

On the first train, the whatevers get directions to the mine. The last three teams get on their train, where the Chos ask a guy for directions who turns out to work for a mining company (unclear if it is “the” mining company, or just “a”, but it doesn’t seem to matter). The Chos think this is fantastic, and proceed to worship him. No, really, they do. An onlooking Finnish woman is all, wow, these boys are weird.

The whatevers and the queens arrive and find Mercedes (Mercedeses?) waiting for them. A whatever calls the queens “crafty little girls.” Ew.

On the second train, Kimberly asks for directions to La Jolla. Wait, what? Apparently I must have blacked out and woken up weeks later during the finale, because the daters are headed for Southern California. Oh wait, no, she’s just a moron. Nevermind. After getting their directions, the daters make their way through the car the other two teams are in, not answering when one of the whiners asks if there’s a bathroom back there. Rob says they bug him. The whiners announce to the “party train” that the daters are not their friends, as if any of the other people there actually give a shit. What is this, third grade?

The whatevers and the queens locate the general area of mine, but the queens miss it and have to ask someone, so the whatevers get to it first. Because there’s only one tram down into the mine, the queens have to wait a few minutes for it to come back. They are annoyed, but only to the point where they exclaim, “darn it!” Come on, put more emotion into it than that! You’re beauty queens - you’re supposed to throw tantrums!

The daters arrive at the station and get their car, followed by the whiners and then the Chos. And the Chos are not happy that the whiners didn’t wait for them. Says the ponytailed brother, “Our style would have been to wait for them.” Yeah, because you are obviously participating in something called the Amazing Group Vacation. Problem is, the other teams are on something called the Amazing RACE. How have these two not been eliminated yet?

Roadblock. One team member has to ride a bike (a bike? Really? That’s how the actual miners get down into the mine?), fetch a block of limestone, haul it back, break it open, and get the clue from inside it. A whatever takes off on his bike, saying that he hasn’t had a chance to do many Roadblocks yet. So, have they gotten rid of that rule that says each person has to do certain number of them? Because I can’t remember anyone mentioning it at all this season, and that statement seems to imply that it’s not a rule anymore. Just wondering.

The tram comes back to pick up the queens, who think it’s “roller-coaster at Disneyworld awesome.” Somehow I doubt that. One of them says David would love this, because he spent all his time down in a cave. I don’t know, do you really think he would love it? I mean, I’m sure he’s proud of what he does, but at the same time, I don’t get the sense that mining is really something you’re, I don’t know, affectionate about. Like, do miners really love mines? They’re dirty and dangerous, and it seems like the kind of job you wouldn’t want if you had better options. Wow, that suddenly sounds really elitist, doesn’t it? I’m really not sure what I’m trying to say. I guess I’m just not sure Dave would be all, woohoo, a mine! By the way, when I first watched this scene, I didn’t catch the first part of what she said, so I only heard, “David spent all his time down in a cave.” Unlike all these idiots, I’d already completely forgotten about Dave and Mary, so I didn’t know who she was talking about. For a minute I actually thought she might be telling some sort of biblical story about King David. I mean, I was one of those people who also thought the prodigal son was Jesus, so…you can see how much I know about the Bible. Anyway, let’s just move on, shall we?

The bicycle-riding whatever finds the limestone, while one queen gets hers. The whatever starts back up, pushing the bike instead of riding. Wuss. Back at the cluebox, the remaining whatever and queen speculate about what the other two are doing down there, and the queen jokes that they’re probably making out. Yeah, I’m sure.

The whatever comes back and starts hammering his limestone (not code).

Whatever: It’s hammer time!

Okay, that was a little bit funny.

He orders it to break, and says it’s hammer time again. Dude, it wasn’t that funny. Once was enough. The limestone finally breaks, and they get their clue, which tells them to drive to the Olympic Stadium in Helsinki.

By the way, if you’re paying attention, they’ve finished both tasks. Usually the clue they get after the second task tells them to go to the pit stop. This one didn’t. So…I guess we’re getting a super-leg. Super.

The queen comes back with her limestone. The other one tells her to grab a pokey-thing (again, not code; however: stupid). She successfully breaks the limestone and gets their clue.

The last three teams get to the mine at the same general time, but for some reason Rob decides to drive in the wrong direction and almost manages to drive right into a mine-shaft. Good work. Eventually they make it to the right place, but have to wait, as the tram has already left with the Chos and the whiners. On the way down, in a truly bizarre scene, one of the whiners claps and yells, literally, like a four year-old. Yikes, where did that come from? It was uncomfortable to watch.

Commercials. Leaving aside the whole issue of whether or not a pizza from Domino’s could ever remotely resemble a real Brooklyn-style pizza, the thing that makes no sense about this commercial is that the guy who ordered the pizza asks the delivery guy what a Brooklyn-style pizza is. Huh? First of all, why would he order it if he didn’t know what it was? Also, if was going to ask anyone what it was, he would have asked the person on the phone, not the delivery guy. Seriously, it makes no sense.

The daters finally find the mine. The whatevers are on the road to Helsinki. The brothers and the whiners get the Roadblock, followed by the daters. As the non-ponytailed brother and a whiner bike down, the brother actually says, “Come on, Dave, help the remaining six-pack.” No, really. He just invoked the spirit of an eliminated contestant. Does that mean Dave is a saint now? I hope the Pope knows.

Limestone is collected. Rob careens recklessly down into the mine on his bike. The whatevers find the stadium but can’t seem to find the cluebox. The queens are still driving, thinking they are just ten minutes from the “pit stop.” The brother and the whiner make their way up with the limestone. Rob is hot on their tails, and actually manages to pass the whiner.

Clues are gotten. All three trailing teams end up on the tram back up together. A Cho gives a whiner a high-five, while Rob rolls his eyes. Such a pointless feud.

The whatevers still can’t find the clue box. Finally, they find it, and learn that they still have to climb up to the top of a tower and rappel down the side of it. And since there’s only a few minutes left, it’s quite obvious now that it’s a super-leg. Damn. I wanted to see someone (anyone) get eliminated.

Whatever: How long did we run around like idiots?

Only your whole lives, man, only your whole lives.

The first whatever rappels down. Face-first, by the way. The queens show up at the stadium.

Back on the road, the final three teams are trying to outmaneuver each other to get ahead. Unfortunately, no one gets run off the road (though I suppose it’s for the best - I wouldn’t want to see those pretty cars get smashed up). The Chos try to trashtalk Rob, and really, they are the worst badasses ever.

The second whatever starts his rappel, and it’s embarrassing. His technique is not what you would call skilled. But he makes it down alive anyway. Pity.

The three final teams reach the stadium and make a break for it. In yet another inexplicable bit of strategy, the Chos yell out to the whiners to let them know where the clue box is. Now, I guess I get what they are trying to do - they think it’s the pit stop, and they want their friends to get in ahead of the daters. But, the thing is, when you are so close to the other teams you are battling for last place, it’s really stupid to help anyone else, because you could very well end up in last place yourself. Self-preservation, dudes. The only thing that matters is you not being last. God, they are frustrating to watch.

Having finished the rappel, the whatevers get their clue and learn, dun, dun, dun, the leg is not over! (Cue scary, ominous music. Hey production dudes, it’s a super-leg, not a horror movie.)

On the next episode: Tanks! And the alliance between the Chos and the whiners is over. Over! Thank god.  ¶ 12:25 AM