Tuesday, November 28, 2006
Episode Ten: The One That's Vaguely Reminiscent
Previously on The Amazing Race: The Cho Brothers were eliminated in an episode that can only be described as unsummarizable.
We start tonight with four teams and three episodes left, a set-up that screams non-elimination. Tyler and James, the first team to arrive, are, predictably enough, the first to leave. The clue says they are going to Morocco. Once there, they need to find an antique shop, where they will get a clue and a trinket. They tell us in confessional that they hope Dustin and Kandice, who are the next to leave, are the next eliminated, as they are the toughest competition.
Dustin and Kandice, as they leave, tell us that they are being driven by the spirit of competition. Dustin adds that she wrote a paper on Morocco in college. Take that, doubters of Beauty Queen Intelligence!
Next out are Rob and Kimberly. Kimberly says Rob is learning how to calm down, learning that he can’t control everything, and that he shouldn’t freak out when something happens he can’t control. They proceed to have car trouble again, and Rob shows us the new him by calmly restarting the car.
Cut to the airport, where Dustin and Kandice have managed to arrive before James and Tyler. The blondes get tickets on a flight through Italy. The flight goes to Rome, then to Casablanca, where they have to catch a connecting flight. Tyler and James, when they arrive, are unable to get the same tickets, settling on a more direct flight, but one that also goes through Casablanca. In fact, not only does it go through Casablanca, they will be on the same connecting flight as the blondes from Casablanca on, which many of you will find reminiscent of my porn debut, Connecting Directly Into Her Flight Plan.
Cut back to the Pit Stop, as Lyn and Karlyn leave. She says she is proud that they are the last remaining team from the Six Pack. She adds that they started the race by themselves, and they will finish it by themselves.
Rob and Kimberly arrive at the airport, getting the same tickets as Tyler and James. They at first tell Dustin and Kandice they will arrive in Casablanca before them, then confess that they are only kidding. Those wacky funsters! Rob tells us that Dustin and Kandice are arrogant.
Lyn and Karlyn arrive and get the same tickets. Well, no, they don’t. They get the same final flight, however, but with a three hour layover in Paris instead of a layover in Casablanca. They use the time to buy and study a map.
Eventually all four teams end up in Casablanca, making the connecting flight to their final destination, which is unpronounceable by Americans. The teams get there, and we have the usual post-flight taxi scramble. Lyn and Karlyn are the first to reach the antique shop, proving that studying maps pays off. How were they able to find it first? Easy. Rob and Kimberly and Tyler and James all decided to follow Dustin and Kandice, and Dustin and Kandice ended up stopping several times to find directions. This allowed Lyn and Karlyn to pass them all.
Lyn and Karlyn get their clue and their trinket. It’s a small necklace, and much easier to carry than a Travelocity gnome, which many of you will find reminiscent of my porn writing debut, She Wore A Gnome's Pearl Necklace. The clue directs them to nearby Atlas Studios, where another clue, and a Yield, awaits them. They stop and ask a local for directions, then insist that he get in the vehicle and ride with them. The terrified young man reluctantly agrees.
Back with the other three teams, Dustin and Kandice have attracted a group of young men bent on re-enacting the rape scene from Two Women. Rob and Kimberly and James and Tyler choose this moment to leave the blondes behind. Great work, guys. The blondes get away, however, and are able to grab a passerby to act as their guide.
Rob and Kimberly and Tyler and James arrive at the antique shop at the same time. They discover one clue gone, and assume that somehow Dustin and Kandice beat them there. If that isn’t an indication of how they feel about their abilities to use a map, nothing is. I mean, they just left them behind and somehow they got ahead of them? And to discount the possibility that Lyn and Karlyn, who passed them, got the clue first? Idiots. Morons. Imbeciles.
Meanwhile, Lyn and Karlyn have arrived at Atlas Studios. They have decided to yield Kandice and Dustin, and are disappointed to discover that the studios are closed til morning. The decision to yield the blondes is a good one; they are certainly the best of the other three teams. Tyler and James and Rob and Kimberly arrive, shocked to discover they have been beaten by Lyn and Karlyn. Eventually Dustin and Kandice arrive, and we are all bunched til morning.
The studios open, and Tyler and James, the best remaining athletes, win the footrace to the Cluebox and the Yield Stand. They opt not to yield anyone. So do Rob and Kimberly. Dustin and Kandice, the third team to arrive, choose to yield Lyn and Karlyn. Hmm. The third place team yields the last place team. Can’t fault that strategy.
The Roadblock involves one team member riding in a chariot race and trying to grab two colored flags (sorry, two flags of color) from a wire above the track. Tyler takes the task, as does Rob. Rob tells us he decided to do the Roadblock because Kimberly doesn’t like horses and adds that he thinks horses don’t like her. This is in voiceover to grainy black and white footage, which many of you will find reminiscent of my porn editng debut, Horse Play 4. Sorry. My bad. The footage is actually the previous challenge where a horse bucked her, not footage of some cheap movie where a horse... Ahem.
By the way, had Peter and Sarah still been in the race, Peter would have made Sarah do the task. Naked. Without her prosthetic leg. Sick bastard.
Dustin also chooses to do the task, and Kandice tells her to choose a fast horse. Like they are marked, “Fast,” “Slow,” “Average.” Anyway, the three teams take off on the race as Lyn and Karlyn wait for the yield to end. They bitch considerably to the camera about being yielded by the blondes, despite the fact that they themselves were planning to yield the blondes. Karlyn tells us that she and Lyn have character and the blondes don’t, and that she and Lyn can sleep at night. I’m betting the blondes don’t have any trouble getting to sleep either, Karlyn.
As the race goes on, a chariot loses a wheel. It would be appropriate if it were Rob’s chariot, considering the vehicle trouble they have had, but it isn’t. Instead, it is just a non-TAR racer’s chariot. Rob is able to finish the task first, followed by Dustin. It takes James longer to finish. Probably because of the drugs still in his system.
As Dustin and Kandice leave, Karlyn flips them off. So wait. You yielding them would have been a good thing. They yielding you is a horrible thing. Guess where you stand does really depend on where you sit.
Rob and Kimberly are leaving at the same time. The clue sends them to a café. The two teams decide to team up to find it, and drive off with Rob and Kimberly in the lead. As they drive along, Rob tells us that Dustin and Kandice using the yield was a crappy move. And believe me, Rob knows crappy. They stop to ask directions, and Dustin and Kandice notice that Rob and Kimberly have a flat tire. However, they decide not to tell them anything. Now that’s a crappy move. It’s only after they start driving again, and Rob notices the car is driving roughly, do the blonds pull alongside, roll down their window, and yell at Rob that they have a flat tire, making it the third time Rob and Kimberly have had major vehicle trouble during the race.
Meanwhile, James has finished the task and he and Tyler have set off. The yield has ended, and Lyn and Karlyn move onto the Roadblock, with Karlyn doing the task. Lyn tells us that they were yielded because they were a threat, then says that Dustin and Kandice should not have yielded them because the blonds should want a slow team that can’t run in the final three. First, Lyn, doesn’t that imply that you aren’t a threat? Second, please explain how Dustin and Kandice were supposed to yield a team that was in front of them. No matter; Karlyn finishes the task quickly and she and Lyn are off to the café.
We’re now treated to some hot driving action. Well, in the case of Rob and Kimberly, some hot tire changing action. Except Rob can’t find the jack. Indeed, he insists there isn’t a jack, all the while we are given a shot of the jack in the back of the vehicle. Apparently it’s easier for a cameraman to find a jack than a racer.
Dustin and Kandice have already passed by, getting to the café and finding the next clue. Tyler and James have made up time on the road and arrive at the café closely after them. Lyn and Karlyn are not far behind either, not stopping for directions like the other three teams. They see Rob and Kimberly at the side of the road, but choose not to stop to help.
The clue at the café begets a Detour. Let’s sing, shall we? Or shall we not? Makes no difference to me.
A detour is a choice between two tasks
Between two tasks
Between two tasks
A detour is a choice between two tasks
Each with its own pros and cons
Our two tasks are Throw It and Grind It, which many of you will find reminiscent of the title of my porn directing debut, Throw Her and Grind Her. In Throw It, teams must find a pottery shop and throw two “properly made” pots. In Grint It, teams find an olive farm and, using a horse and an olive mill, must grind seventy-seven pounds of olives and fill pressing sleeves with them. There are only three stations at each task, making them semi-first come, first-served. I suppose technically they would be first three come, first three served, which many of you will find reminiscent of the title of my porn comeback, First Three Served, First Three Cum.
Tyler and James decide to do Throw It, reasoning, and I use that term loosely, that the pottery shop is nearby. Dustin and Kandice use the same logic for choosing Grind It, believing that the clue instructs them to go back to the town they just left. They get in their car and set off. Tyler and James are about to do the same, when they realize, and I swear to God that I am not making this up, that the task does not actually throwing pottery, the task involves making pottery. Seriously.
They then take off for Grind It, but not before they see Lyn and Karlyn arrive at the café. Either Lyn and Karlyn made the greatest recovery in the history of the race, or James and Tyler are the worst direction followers in the… Oh yeah. They are. Lyn and Karlyn choose Grind It – Karlyn was an art major in college, and tells Lyn that throwing too perfect pots will take too much time.
All three teams eventually drive by Rob and Kimberly. Rob has either found the jack, or the cameraman pointed it out to him, and Rob is changing the tire. He curses Dustin and Kandice, receives information (though not assistance) from James and Tyler, and says nothing about Lyn and Karlyn. He finishes and they rush ahead to get the clue, choosing Grind It.
More hot, sweaty driving action. Dustin and Kandice have missed road to the olive farm and are lost. This allows Tyler and James and Lyn and Karlyn to get to the olive farm and begin the task. Rob and Kimberly are also able to get to the olive farm before the blond, making all three grinding stations are full when Dustin and Kandice finally get there.
Believe me, if you thought the hot, sweaty, glistening driving action was thrilling, wait til you see olive grinding footage. It should be rated XXXXXXXXXX for eXXXXXtremely
(wait for it)
boring.
I’m not going to recap all the olive grinding twists and turns, just tell you that Tyler and James finish first, followed shortly by Lyn and Karlyn. The clue they receive for finishing the task instructs them to go to the next Pit Stop at a Nomadic Barber Shop, marked on the road by a boulder with a race flag painted on it. It might have been a Nomadic Berber Camp. I get confused. No matter; the two teams head off for the Pit Stop at roughly the same time, with Tyler and James holding a slight lead. They stretch the lead a little, get to the Pit Stop, park their vehicle, and head off down the trail for Phil, then draw to a halt, remembering that they forgot the trinket (remember it) they got at the start of the race. They start back to their car.
Meanwhile, Lyn and Karlyn have arrived and also take off, grabbing the trinket. They get out of the car, look around, and Lyn says she hates looking for Phil, that Phil should be in places where people can find him, which many of you will find reminiscent of the title of my AVN award-winning movie, Filling You In Places Where People Can Find Us. They meet James and Tyler running back, and yet James and Tyler are still able to reach the car, get the trinket, and beat Lyn and Karlyn to the mat. It’s a close finish, with no time for them to spare, but they are able to do it. Can you say “let’s make sure they reach the final three so we can eliminate one team from winning before the leg even begins”? Of course you can.
Phil welcomes Tyler and James as winners, then asks to see the trinket. It matches the one worn by the greeter, and they win the leg prize, fancy-schmancy cell phones. Whoop dee doo! Lyn and Karlyn are second, and they get nothing and they’ll like it!
Back at Grind It, Rob and Kimberly have finished and head off to the Pit Stop. Dustin and Kandice have made up good ground and appear to be right behind them. At the very least, that’s how it is edited. Rob and Kimberly reach the mat first, are happy to be third, and then a few minutes of screen time later Dustin and Kimberly walk somberly to the mat. Let’s go to the actual dialogue.
Phil: Dustin and Kandice, I’m sorry to tell you that you are the last team to arrive. However, because you are hot white chicks, with breasteses marginally bigger than mine, we decided to make this a non-elimination leg.
Dustin: Really?
Phil: No, not really.
Kandice: So we’re eliminated?
Phil: Oh no, it’s a non-elimination leg. It’s just that it was a planned non-elimination leg, not a non-elimination leg because you’re hot white chicks with breasteses marginally bigger than mine. I bet summary writers across the net called it as a non-elimination leg at the start of their summaries. Whoever finished last, even Lyn and Karlyn, would be spared. The fact that you are hot white chicks with breasteses marginally bigger than mine is just gravy. And everyone likes gravy.
On the next Amazing Race: The blondes are still in the race, which is just like getting more gravy. Which many of you will find reminiscent of my farewell to porn White-Gravy Coated Blondes. ¶ 12:19 PM
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I'm assuming all of those porn titles of yours (which you conveniently have never told me about) are all available for purchase or rental on Amazon or NetFlix.
'Cuz I really needed some way to fill those empty weekend nights. And freaky ferret porn sounds like just the ticket.
Again, I congratulate you on your demiurgic and fecund output.
And, yes, I hope that sounded like I'm talking dirty.
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'Cuz I really needed some way to fill those empty weekend nights. And freaky ferret porn sounds like just the ticket.
Again, I congratulate you on your demiurgic and fecund output.
And, yes, I hope that sounded like I'm talking dirty.
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