Monday, December 18, 2006
Finale: Every Time I Think I’m Done, They Pull Me Back In
Previously on The Amazing Race:
The only team worth rooting for (as opposed to rooting against) was eliminated, leaving us struggling to find someone to cheer on. Our candidates, and their credentials:
Rob and Kimberly – Con: Rob alternates between wanting to marry Kimberly and wanting to throw her under the nearest form of public transportation; Kimberly gives screeching harpies a bad name. Pro: Rob has displayed occasional flashes of humanity over the course of the season and you only need a minimal amount of alcohol to consider Kimberly doable, provided she has no means of contacting you afterward.
Lyn and Karlyn – Con: They rank pretty high on the hypocrisy scale, constantly decrying behavior they themselves engage in. Pro: Could genuinely use the money, and have sincerely appreciated the opportunity to travel around the world.
Tyler and James – Con: Would blow the million dollars on crack, forcing them to return to being homeless on the streets giving handjobs for cash. Pro: Would blow the million dollars on crack, forcing them to return to being homeless on the streets giving handjobs for cash.
Speaking of
Sorry about the sound quality on that one. That’s You Tube for ya.
Anyway, we’re in Spain. Barcelona. Cue music.
Okay, lousy picture quality on that one. Oh well. I don’t really care all that much. I mean, if CBS could only be bothered to schedule an hour for the finale, why should I be bothered to do much for the summary. Anyway, two clips is two more than the most recent Survivor summary got. So let’s proceed, and quickly.
Barcelona. Find a church that’s been under construction for 124 years. Search park behind said church for next clue.
Rob and Kimberly are amazed to still be in the race, probably because they both figured Kimberly would be dead and Rob would be in jail for her murder by now.
Lyn and Karlyn want to win because the money will change their lives.
Tyler and James believe they are both too sexy for the race, which is of course a cue for me.
All teams find the clue with varying degrees of difficulty. The clue sends them off to Paris and the Eiffel Tower.
Airport waiting. Flights can’t be booked until 4:00 am. James wants to find an Internet connection and try to find tickets that way, Tyler tells him no. James breaks down, gives a wino a handjob in the bathroom for change for the vending machines.
Ticket offices open, Rob and Kimberly get first flight to DeGaulle. Lyn and Karlyn get seats on later flight coming into Orly. Tyler and James, after some fake suspense, get stand-by seats on flight with Rob and Kimberly.
Rob and Kimberly and Tyler and James land and are off, but since DeGaulle is farther from Eiffel Tower than Orly, Lyn and Karlyn get there first. Clue sends them to airport in city of Caen. Hey, didn’t Springsteen sing a song called “Adam Raised A Cain”? Sure did. Sure did.
Teams get to the Caen airport. Roadblock! One person will skydive over the beaches at Normandy, then have to dodge German fire. The other person will ride in the plane, which will do surprise nosedive. Kinda like ARod.
Tyler, Karlyn, and Kimberly do the task. Tyler and Kimberly claim to be choices to do the task because their partner has done more roadblocks, but we have never heard any discussion of this during the course of the season. Rob is pissed that he isn’t skydiving, because he has always wanted to go skydiving and it was the one thing he really wanted to do on the race. Rob will continue to bitch about not getting to skydive for the rest of the episode. Rob, can we talk? Lean in close, okay? That’s it.
SMACK
Listen, idiot, you don’t need to go on The Amazing Race to skydive. Hell, I’ve gone skydiving, and none of this pussy tandem shit. Real skydiving, by myself, just me and a chute. It was great, up until the point when I landed and broke my foot. Hell, it was still great, even though I broke my foot. I don’t know if I would do it again – you feel a lot less invulnerable at age 47 than you do at age 20 – but I’m glad I did do it. And you can do it too, Rob. There are United States Parachute Association-certified schools in every state. You can find one here, if you are so inclined.
Okay, everyone completes their jump, gets their clue, and are instructed to head back to Paris. There is a brief fakeout that Rob and Kimberly will miss the train, but alas. We all get to Paris at the same time, and find the next clue box and roughly the same time. The next clue is a detour, and, because this is the last time for this season, here’s the song:
A detour is a choice between two tasks
Between two tasks
Between two tasks
A detour is a choice between two tasks
Each with its own pros and cons.
Okay, our choices are Art or Fashion. In Art, teams carry a panting from a gallery to a painter. Quick, easy, relatively effortless. In Fashion, teams build an outfit on a tailor’s model using clothe and patterns. Teams need the approval of the Audrey, Nazi-Collaborator Seamstress. Difficult, lengthy, and effort heavy. All three teams choose Fashion, of course.
Tyler and James, as models, finish first. Lyn and Karlyn, as mothers, finish second. Rob and Kimberly, as assholes, finish third. The clue tells them to go to New York City and find the globe in the Daily News building. Tyler and James and Rob and Kimberly head back to DeGaulle; Lyn and Karlyn head to Orly, where they discover that they need to go to DeGaulle to get an international flight. This doesn’t prove to be as fatal as it could be.
What does prove to be fatal for them is that Rob and Kimberly and Tyler and James are able to get on the first flight to New York, although it comes down to Tyler and James getting pulled off the stand-by list and Lyn and Karlyn not getting pulled off the stand-by list. As a result, Lyn and Karlyn are doomed to finish third.
The first flight lands in New York City, and Tyler and James and Rob and Kimberly are off. Tyler and James are familiar with the city, and direct their cabbie to lose the cab following them. The cabbie can’t. What the cabbie can do, however, is produce an EZPass, allowing him to bypass the tolls, the tolls that stop Rob and Kimberly’s cab. This will prove the difference.
Tyler and James arrive at the Daily News building, see the globe, get the clue, and get instructions to find woman by a sculpture in Union Square. They find the woman and get the last clue, directing them to the Pit Stop about an hour north of the city. Rob and Kimberly are edited to be closely behind them, but there is no race to the finish. Tyler and James walk to their win, Rob and Kimberly finish second, Lyn and Karlyn third, and the season is over. So goodbye until next spring, when the All-Star edition pops up. Thanks for reading, both of you. ¶ 4:21 PM
